Drinking to excess

• Acute Alcoholic: An attractive drunk.
• An alcoholic has been lightly defined as a man who drinks more than his own doctor. Dr. Alvan L. Barach
• An alcoholic is a person who drinks more than his own physician. Barach’s Rule
• An alcoholic is anyone you don’t like who drinks more than you do. Dylan Thomas.
• If drinking is interfering with your work, you’re probably a heavy drinker. If work is interfering with your drinking, you’re probably an alcoholic.
• My dad has a weird hobby; he collects empty bottles… which sounds so much better than “alcoholic.” Stewart Francis
• Russian roulette at Alcoholics anonymous: They pass 6 glasses of tomato juice around and one is a Bloody Mary
• You know you’re an alcoholic when you misplace things … like a decade. Paul Williams
• AAA-AA: A club for people who are being driven to drink.
• Alcoholism is a disease but it’s the only disease that you can get yelled at for having. Mitch Hedberg
• I don’t have a drinking problem except when I can’t get a drink. Tom Waits
• I drink too much way too much; my doctor drew blood – he ran a tab! Rodney Dangerfield
• I drink too much. Last time I gave a urine sample there was an olive in it. Rodney Dangerfield
• I once donated a pint of my finest red corpuscles to the great American Red Cross and the doctor opined my blood was very helpful; contained so much alcohol they could use it to sterilize their instruments. C. Fields
• I only drink to steady my nerves – sometimes I’m so steady I don’t move for months. C. Fields
• I seldom took a drink on the set before 9 a.m. C. Fields
• My father drank beer in the morning; later in the day he drank anything.
• My mom’s Jewish and my dad’s Irish Catholic alcoholic so I whine on the inside. Margaret Smith
• My uncle was the town drunk and we lived in Chicago. George Gobel
• One drink is just right; two is too many; three are too few. Spanish proverb
• One martini is alright two is too many three is not enough. James Thurber
• Sam: You drinking again? Rebecca: Certainly not. I never stopped. Kirstie Alley
• Some weasel took the cork out of my lunch. C. Fields
• Somebody’s been putting pineapple juice in my pineapple juice! C. Fields
• Someone asked, “Mr. Fields I read in the paper where you consumed two quarts of liquor a day. What would your father think about that? Fields’ reply: He’d think I was a sissy. C. Fields
• The last mosquito that bit me had to book in to the Betty Ford clinic. Joanna Lumley
• You know you have a drinking problem when the bartender knows your name and you’ve never been to that bar before. Zach Galifianakis

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Let’s drink up!

• A man’s got to believe in something… and I believe I’ll have another drink. W.C. Fields
• Always carry a flagon of whiskey in case of snakebite and furthermore always carry a small snake.
• Everybody should believe in something; I believe I’ll have another drink.
• I admit to spending a fortune on women, booze and gambling… the rest I spend foolishly. Charles ‘Chic’ Murray
• I always keep a stimulant handy in case I see a snake, which I also keep handy. C Fields
• I always wake up at the crack of ice. Joe E. Lewis
• I don’t believe in dining on an empty stomach. W.C. Fields
• I don’t have a drinking problem, except when I can’t get a drink. Tom Waits
• I exercise strong self-control. I never drink anything stronger than gin before breakfast. WC Fields
• I hate to advocate drugs, alcohol, violence, or insanity to anyone, but they’ve always worked for me. Hunter S. Thompson
• I know I should give up drinking; but I am not a quitter.
• I know I’m drinking myself to a slow death, but then I’m in no hurry. Robert Benchley
• I think that I would be a good father… especially if my baby liked to go out drinking. Eugene Mirman
• I’m not a heavy drinker, I can sometimes go for hours without touching a drop. Noel Coward
• I’ve been drinking to your birthday with every Tom, Dick and Harry. Now I’m looking for a John.
• I’d like to help you, but you don’t drink. Bob Lemon
• If I had to live my life over… I’d live over a saloon. W.C. Fields
• In 1969 I gave up women and alcohol… it was the worst 20 minutes of my life. George Best
• It’s quite true I’m not drinking anymore; however, I’m not drinking any less either. W.C. Fields
• Life’s a waste of time, time’s a waste of life so let’s all get wasted and have the time of our life.
• Meet me down in the bar! We’ll drink breakfast together. W.C. Fields
• The problem with the world is that everyone is a few drinks behind. Humprey Bogart
• The trouble with jogging is that the ice falls out of your glass. Martin Mull
• Time is never wasted when you’re wasted all the time. Catherine Zandonella.
• When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading. Henny Youngman
• A man shouldn’t fool with booze until he’s fifty; then he’s a damn fool if he doesn’t. William Faulkner
• I always keep a supply of stimulant handy in case I see a snake – which I also keep handy.   C. Fields
• I certainly do not drink all the time, I have to sleep you know. C. Fields
• I drink when I have occasion and sometimes when I have no occasion. Miguel de Cervantes
• Now I’m what you’d call a …social drinker’ which means if someone says they’ll have a drink I say  …So shall I.’   Gene Pompa
• There are two reasons for drinking: one is when you are thirsty: to cure it; the other when you are not thirsty: to prevent it. Thomas Love Peacock

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Drinking and driving

• If you drink, don’t drive. Don’t even putt.  Dean Martin
• If you must drink and drive, drink Pepsi
• The last time I drank I drove into a ditch which doesn’t sound like that big of a deal but I stopped at the ditch looked left and right then drove into the ditch. Jimmy Pardo
• The reason there are two senators for each state is so that one can be the designated driver. Jay Leno

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Getting and being drunk

• A drunk man’s words are a sober man’s thoughts. Steve Fergosi
• Always do sober what you said you’d do drunk; that will teach you to keep your mouth shut. Ernest Hemingway
• An intelligent man is sometimes forced to be drunk to spend time with his fools. Ernest Hemingway
• Drunk: Feeling sophisticated but being unable to pronounce it.
• Here’s how you know that you’re really drunk: when you get into a taxi cab and you think the fare is the time. Dane Cook
• I am not so think as you drunk I am. J.C. Squire
• I feel like a drunken man who doesn’t have a drink. David Pleat
• I got so drunk one night I woke up in a chalk outline. Tim Northern
• I had the right to remain silent, but I had lost the ability to. Ron White
• I have made an important discovery… that alcohol, taken in sufficient quantities, produces all the effect of intoxication. Oscar Wilde
• I prefer to think that God is not dead, just drunk. John Marcellus Huston
• I’m not as think as you drunk I am.
• I’ve never been drunk, but often I’ve been overserved. George Gobel
• If you can laugh at yourself loud and hard every time you fall, people will think you’re drunk. Conan O’Brien
• If you drink like a fish, don’t drive… swim. Joe E. Lewis
• It takes one drink to get me drunk. Its normally about the 8th or 9th.
• It takes only one drink to get me drunk. The trouble is, I can’t remember if it’s the thirteenth or the fourteenth. George Burns
• My dad was the town drunk. Most of the time that’s not so bad; but New York City? Henny Youngman
• Talking to a drunk person was like talking to an extremely happy, severely brain-damaged three- year- old. John Green
• The problem with some people is that when they aren’t drunk they’re sober. William Butler Yeats
• Where-ever I go, there I am.  Rita E. Torres
• Yeah, I know, some people are against drunk driving, and I call those people “the cops.” Dave Attell
• You’re not drunk if you can lie on the floor without holding on. Joe E Lewis
• A drunkard is like a whiskey-bottle – all neck and belly and no head.
• Actually, it only takes one drink to get me loaded; trouble is I can’t remember if it’s the thirteenth or fourteenth. George Burns
• Drunkenness does not create vice; it merely brings it into view. Seneca the Elder
• You are not drunk if you can lie on the floor without holding on. Dean Martin
• What the sober man thinks the drunkard tells. French proverb
• Drunkenness is nothing but voluntary madness. Seneca the Elder
• Harry Payne Bosterly: You’re drunk! Harold: And you’re crazy. But I’ll be sober tomorrow and you’ll be crazy for the rest of your life. C. Fields
• He is not drunk who from the floor can rise and stand and shout for more. Ogden Nash
• He’s so full of alcohol if you put a lighted wick in his mouth, he’d burn for three days. Groucho Marx
• I was so drunk last night I fell down and missed the floor. Dean Martin
• It’s useless to hold a person to anything he says while he’s in love, drunk or running for office. Shirley MacLaine
• No animal ever invented anything so bad as drunkenness – or so good as drink. K. Chesterton
• The best audience is intelligent well-educated and a little drunk. Alben W. Barkley

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Alcohol and the Irish

• An Irishman is not drunk as long as he still has a blade of grass to hang onto.
• An Irishman is the only man in the world who will step over the bodies of a dozen naked women to get to a bottle of stout.
• God created alcohol just to stop the Irish from ruling the world. Patrick Murray
• Only Irish coffee provides in a single glass all four essential food groups: alcohol, caffeine, sugar and fat.   Alex Levin

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Hangovers

• Hangover: The moaning after the night before.
• I feel like a midget with muddy feet had been walking over my tongue all night. W.C. Fields
• Hangover: The wrath of grapes. Dorothy Parker
• The only cure for a real hangover is death. Robert Benchley

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In praise of alcohol

• A woman drove me to drink and I never even had the courtesy to thank her. C. Fields
• Always remember that I have taken more out of alcohol than alcohol has taken out of me. Sir Winston Churchill
• I spent a lot of my money on booze, birds, and fast cars. The rest I just squandered. George Best
• Never cry over spilt milk. It could’ve been whiskey.  Pappy” Maverick
• What whiskey will not cure, there is no cure for. Irish proverb
• Alcohol enables Parliament to do things at eleven at night that no sane person would do at eleven in the morning. George Bernard Shaw
• Alcohol is a misunderstood vitamin. G. Wodehouse
• Alcohol is the anaesthesia by which we endure the operation of life.
• Conversation, like certain portions of the anatomy, always runs more smoothly when lubricated.  Marquis de Sade
• Golfing excellence goes hand in hand with alcohol as many an Open and Amateur champion has shown. Henry Longhurst
• I have taken more good from alcohol than alcohol has taken from me. Winston Churchill
• I was in love with a beautiful blonde once dear. She drove me to drink. That’s the one thing I’m indebted to her for. C. Fields
• I’d like to help you but you don’t drink. Bob Lemon
• Quickly bring me a beaker of wine so that I may wet my mind and say something clever. Aristophanes
• Reality is an illusion that occurs due to the lack of alcohol. C. Fields
• Sleep: the most beautiful experience in life – except drink.   C. Fields
• Twas a woman who drove me to drink and I never had the courtesy to thank her for it. C. Fields
• When life hands you lemons, make whisky sours. C. Fields
• Whoever takes just plain ginger ale soon gets drowned out of the conversation.  Kin Hubbard

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Reasons to drink

• Booze may not be the answer, but it helps you to forget the question.
• I drink to forget I drink. Joe E. Lewis
• I drink to make other people interesting. George Jean Nathan
• I envy people who drink—at least they know what to blame everything on. Oscar Levant
• I feel sorry for people who don’t drink. When they wake up in the morning, that’s as good as they’re going to feel all day.  Frank Sinatra

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Alcohol and seduction

• Alcohol: Liquid ego
• Alcohol: A substance that God invented so that fat girls would get laid too.
• Alcohol: Liquid panty remover
• Candy is dandy but liquor is quicker. Ogden Nash
• I can’t think of anything worse after a night of drinking than waking up next to someone and not being able to remember their name, or how you met, or why they’re dead. Laura Kightlinger
• I must get out of these wet clothes and into a dry Martini. Robert Benchley
• One more drink and I’d be under the host. Dorothy Parker
• There wasn’t a man alive who could drink me into bed! Helen Lawrenson
• Why don’t you slip out of those wet clothes and into a dry Martini? Robert Benchley
• A man loses his sense of direction after four drinks; a woman loses hers after four kisses. L. Mencken
• A study shows breast implants can cause nausea and dizziness from all the free drinks.   Craig Kilborn
• I went out with a guy who once told me I didn’t need to drink to make myself more fun to be around and I told him I’m drinking so that you’re more fun to be around. Chelsea Handler
• It was an arranged marriage put together by drugs and alcohol. Tom Papa
• Sex with me when I’m really drunk is like being at the dentist you can tell something’s going on but you don’t exactly know what it is.   Chris Rock

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Alcohol verse water

• I never drink water; I’m afraid it will become habit-forming. W.C. Fields
• I never drink water; that’s the stuff that rusts pipes. W.C. Fields
• In wine there is wisdom, in beer there is strength, in water there is bacteria. David Auerbach
• Say anything that you like about me except that I drink water. W.C. Fields
• Water, taken in moderation, cannot hurt anybody. Mark Twain
• During one of my treks through Afghanistan we lost our corkscrew. We were compelled to live on food and water for several days. C. Fields
• I never drink water. Fish f**k in it.   C. Fields

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Bars

• Zig zag:  the shortest distance between two bars
• Thou shalt not covet they neighbours’ house… unless they have a well-stocked bar. W.C. Fields
• I never said all Democrats were saloonkeepers; what I said was that all saloonkeepers are Democrats. Ambrose Bierce
• I used to be a bartender at the Betty Ford Clinic. Steven Wright
• The church is near but the road is icy; the bar is far away but I will walk carefully. Russian proverb
• We thought it was a bad idea you guys got married but we didn’t feel like we could say anything because it was open bar. Megan Anne Mooney

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Beware of alcohol

• Alcohol is a good preservative for everything but brains. Mary Pettibone Poole
• Alcohol: A liquid good for preserving everything except secrets.
• Be wary of strong drink. It can make you shoot at tax collectors… and miss.  Robert Heinlein
• I can’t die until the government finds a safe place to bury my liver. Phil Harris
• If you are young and you drink a great deal it will spoil your health, slow your mind, make you fat – in other words, turn you into an adult. J. O’Rourke
• Never accept a drink from a urologist. Erma Bombeck
• The first thing in the human personality that dissolves in alcohol is dignity.
• Alcohol killed my first wife. I got home drunk one night and shot her. …Jethro’ Geoffrey Rowe
• Alcohol is a perfect solvent: It dissolves marriages, families and careers.
• Drinking makes such fools of people and people are such fools to begin with, it’s just compounding the felony.   Robert Benchley
• I distrust camels and anyone else who can go a week without a drink. Joe E. Lewis

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Drinking in moderation

• Drink the first. Sip the second slowly.  Skip the third.  Knute Rockne
• Tea-totaller: someone who practices moderation to excess.
• There’s nothing wrong with sobriety in moderation. John Ciandi
• I don’t drink. I’m a totalitarian. Jane Sherwood Ace

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Trying to give up

• How long have you been on the wagon. In 29 days time, it will be a month.
• I say no to alcohol, it just doesn’t listen.
• Now don’t say you can’t swear off drinking; it’s easy, I’ve done it a thousand times. W.C. Fields

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Abstaining

• I don’t do alcohol anymore – I get the same effect just standing up fast.
• Abstainer: The kind of man you wouldn’t want to drink with even if he did. George Jean Nathan
• Prohibition makes you want to cry into your beer and denies you the beer to cry into. Don Marquis
• Of course, now I touch nothing stronger than buttermilk: 90-proof buttermilk. C. Fields
• One reason I don’t drink is that I want to know when I am having a good time. Nancy Astor
• If you resolve to give up smoking, drinking and loving, you don’t actually live longer; it just seems longer. Clement Freud

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Being sober

• It looks different when you’re sober; I thought I had twice as much furniture. Neil Simon
• Rehab Was a… Sobering Experience.
• Ed: I see you’re out drinking again. What’s the occasion? Byrne: I was sober. Ed Byrne
• Always do sober what you said you’d do drunk; that will teach you to keep your mouth shut. Ernest Hemingway

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Alcohol and work

• Work is the curse of the drinking class. Oscar Wilde
• Oh, you hate your job? Why didn’t you say so? There’s a support group for that. It’s called EVERYBODY, and they meet at the bar. Drew Carrey

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Alcohol and health

• Health – what my friends are always drinking to before they fall down.  Phyllis Diller
• I remember when I swallowed a bottle of sleeping pills – my doctor told me to have a few drinks and get some rest. Rodney Dangerfield

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Beer

• All men hear is blah, blah, blah, blah, SEX, blah, blah, blah, FOOD, blah, blah, blah, BEER. Denis Leary
• Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.
• Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy. Benjamin Franklin
• Beer is the cause and solution to all of life’s problems. Homer Simpson
• Beer is the reason I get out of bed every afternoon.
• Beer makes you feel the way you ought to feel without beer.
• Beer with no alcohol — what a waste; that is like a nun with a D-cup. Brett Butler
• Beer won’t solve your problems but then again, neither does milk.
• Communist: A fellow who will gladly divide his hunger and thirst with you if you’ll divide your beer and salami with him.
• Confucius say… sex on beach is like American beer… very near water.
• I don’t have a beer gut, I have a protective covering for my rock hard abs.
• I never drank anything stronger than beer before I was twelve. W.C. Fields
• In wine there is wisdom, in beer there is Freedom, in water there is bacteria. Benjamin Franklin
• Milk is for babies. When you grow up you have to drink beer. Arnold Schwarzenegger
• Not all chemicals are bad; without chemicals such as hydrogen and oxygen, for example, there would be no way to make water, a vital ingredient in beer. Dave Barry
• Not one man in a beer commercial has a beer belly. Rita Rudner
• Sometimes when I reflect back on all the beer, I drink I feel ashamed. Then I look into the glass and think about the workers in the brewery and all of their hopes and dreams.  If I didn’t drink this beer, they might be out of work and their dreams would be shattered. Then I say to myself, it is better that I drink this beer and let their dreams come true than be selfish and worry about my liver. Jack Handey
• The best way to die is to sit under a tree, eats lots of bologna and salami, drink a case of beer and blow up. Art Donovan
• What’s the difference between a dog and a fox? About 5 beers
• Without question, the greatest invention in the history of mankind is beer. Oh, I grant you that the wheel was also a fine invention, but the wheel does not go nearly as well with pizza.  Dave Barry
• Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.
• 24 hours in a day 24 beers in a case; coincidence?
• As soon as they get married they all get these big old guts on them; that’s not from drinking beer – that’s from swallowing pride.   Louis Katz

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Whisky and brandy

• Love makes the world go ‘round? Not at all; whiskey makes it go ‘round twice as fast. Compton MacKenzie
• There are two rules for drinking whisky: first, never take whisky without water, and second, never take water without whisky. Charles ‘Chic’ Murray
• There’s no such thing as a large whiskey. Rev. Mahaffy’s Observation
• How well I remember my first encounter with The Devil’s Brew; I happened to stumble across a case of bourbon and went right on stumbling for several days thereafter.   C. Fields
• No married man is genuinely happy if he has to drink worse whisky than he used to drink when he was single. L. Mencken
• Whiskey is by far the most popular of all remedies that won’t cure a cold. Jerry Vale
• Whiskey: The best thing to take for a headache – the night before.  

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Rum

• Rum: Generically fiery liquors that produce madness in total abstainers. Ambrose Bierce

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Wine

• A balanced meal is a glass of wine in each hand.
• A good man can make you feel sexy, strong and able to take on the whole world. Oh wait, sorry … that’s wine, wine does that.
• A good friend knows when to pour a glass of wine and talk it out. A great friend knows when to shut up and hand over the bottle.
• A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
• Age is just a number. It’s totally irrelevant unless, of course, you happen to be a bottle of wine
• Champagne is appropriate for breakfast, lunch or dinner. Madeline Puckette
• Coffee keeps me busy until it’s time to drink wine.
• Either give me more wine or leave me alone. Rumi
• Fish, to taste right, must swim three times -in water, in butter and in wine. Polish Proverb
• He has a profound respect for old age, especially when it’s bottled. Gene Fowler
• Give me coffee to change the things I can and wine to accept the things I can’t.
• Great wine porn. Michael Steinberger
• Help yourself to a bottle of wine. They’re all empty. Jarod Kintz
• Home is where the wine is.
• I always cook with wine. Sometimes I even add it to the food.
• I can certainly see that you know your wine. Most of the guests who stay here wouldn’t know the difference between Bordeaux and Claret. Basil Fawlty, “Fawlty Towers”
• I cook with wine, sometimes I even add it to the food. W.C. Fields
• I don’t need an app that tells me how many calories I have burned. I need an app that tells me how many glasses of wine I have earned.
• I enjoy a glass of wine each night for its health benefits. The other glasses are for my witty comebacks and flawless dance moves.
• I imagine hell like this: Italian punctuality, German humour and English wine. Peter Ustinov
• He talked with more claret than clarity.  Susan Ertz
• I just learned you’re supposed to pair wine with food. And here I am just pairing it with another bottle.
• I made wine out of raisins so I wouldn’t have to wait for it to age. Steven Wright
• I saw this wino, he was eating grapes, and I was like, “Dude, you have to wait.” Mitch Hedberg
• I tried cooking with wine. After 3 glasses, I forgot why I was in the kitchen.
• I would pour you a glass of wine, but wouldn’t it be more romantic if you sipped it out of my armpit? Jarod Kintz
• If I ever go missing, I want my picture on a wine bottle instead of a milk carton. This way my friends will know I’m missing.
• In victory, you deserve Champagne. In defeat you need it. Napoleon Bonaparte
• In wine there is wisdom, in beer there is Freedom, in water there is bacteria. Benjamin Franklin
• It is is better for pearls to pass through the lips of swine than good wine to pass through the lips of the indifferent. Mark Luedtke
• It is well to remember that there are five reasons for drinking: the arrival of a friend; one’s present or future thirst; the excellence of the wine; or any other reason. Latin saying
• It takes a lot of good beer to make great wine. Brian O’Donnell
• It’s a naive wine without any breeding, but I think you’ll be amused by its presumption. James Thurber
• It’s no longer “box wine.” The classy term is cardboardeaux
• It’s not sipping wine. It’s a mourning wine. You drain it. Like this. Neil Gaiman, Anansi Boys
• Last night sitting on the couch with my husband, I said “I love you.” He asked. “Is that you or the wine talking?”  I said, “It’s me talking to the wine.”
• Life is too short to drink bad wine.
• My book club reads only wine labels.
• My books are like water; those of the great geniuses are wine. Fortunately everybody drinks water. Mark Twain
• My only regret in life is that I didn’t drink enough Champagne. Robert Noecker
• Only the first bottle is expensive. French proverb (After that, who cares?)
• Shopping list: milk, wine, eggs, wine, bread, wine …
• Sorry for all those word posts last night. Apparently, wine hacked my account.
• Souls wouldn’t wear suits and ties, they’d wear blue jeans and sit cross-legged with a glass of red wine.
• Start your day with coffee, end your day with wine.
• The best use of bad wine is to drive away poor relations. French proverb
• The discovery of a wine is of greater moment than the discovery of a constellation. The universe is too full of stars. Benjamin Franklin, circa 1700s
• There’s a new wine I want to try. I heard about it through the grapevine. Jarod Kintz
• They say one glass of wine is good for you. They never said how many times to fill it.
• This is one of the disadvantages of wine: it makes a man mistake words for thought.  Samuel Johnson
• Three be the things I shall never attain: envy, content and sufficient champagne. Dorothy Parker
• To me, drink responsibly means don’t spill the wine.
• What is man, when you come to think upon him, but a minutely set, ingenious machine for turning with infinite artfulness, the red wine of Shiraz into urine? Isak Dinesen
• What wine goes with Captain Crunch? George Carlin
• Which would you rather give up, wine or women? It depends on the vintage.
• Wine a little. It’ll make you feel better.
• Wine and wenches empty men’s purses. English Proverb
• Wine does not make you fat, it makes you lean … (against tables, floors, walls and ugly people.)
• Wine improves with age. The older I get, the better I like it.
• Wine is how classy people get wasted.
• Wine we need for health, and the health we need to drink vodka. Viktor Chernomyrdin
• You can tell German wine from vinegar by the label. Mark Twain
• You had me at Merlot.
• Wine makes a man better pleased with himself; I do not say that it makes him more pleasing to others. Samuel Johnson

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Martinis

• One martini is all right. Two are too many, and three are not enough.  James Thurber
• Zen martini: A martini with no vermouth at all.  And no gin, either.  J. O’Rourke

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Champagne

• I don’t think I’ve ever drunk champagne before breakfast before. With breakfast on several occasions, but never before before.  From the movie Breakfast at Tiffany’s
• Champagne, if you are seeking the truth, is better than a lie detector.  It encourages a man to be expansive, even reckless, while lie detectors are only a challenge to tell lies successfully.  Graham Greene
• His brain is a half-inch layer of champagne poured over a bucket of Methodist near-beer. Benjamin de Casseres
• The quality of a champagne is judged by the amount of noise the cork makes when it is popped.

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Tequila

• I always take life with a grain of salt, …plus a slice of lemon, …and a shot of tequila.
• I believe that if life gives you lemons, you should make lemonade… And try to find somebody whose life has given them vodka, and have a party.
• If life gives you lemons, you should make lemonade. And try to find somebody who’s life is giving them vodka, and have a party. Ron White
• If life hands you lemons, break out the tequila!
• Take life with a grain of salt, a slice of lime, and a shot of tequila.
• When life gives you lemons, forget the lemonade. Make a a rich lemon cheesecake. Blame life for the extra pounds.  
• When life hands you lemons, calmly cut one in half, turn around and squirt juice in life’s eye.
• When life hands you lemons, make whisky sours. W.C. Fields
• When life throws you a lemon, ask for some tequila and salt, then invite me over.
• One tequila two tequila three tequila floor. George Carlin

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Final thoughts

• A telephone survey says that 51 percent of college students drink until they pass out at least once a month – the other 49 percent didn’t answer the phone. Craig Kilborn
• A well-balanced person has a drink in each hand.  Billy Connolly
• Always drink upstream from the herd. Will Rogers
• Before I met her I drank and swore without reason – now I have a reason. Benny Hill
• Friend: That drink is slow poison. Benchley’s reply: So who’s in a hurry? Robert Benchley
• I never turned to drink. It seemed to turn to me. Brendan Behan
• I used to jog but the ice cubes kept falling out of my glass. David Lee Roth
• More people are driven insane through religious hysteria than by drinking alcohol. C. Fields
• My grandmother is over eighty and still doesn’t need glasses.  Drinks right out of the bottle.  Henny Youngman
• Pour him out of here! Mae West
• She looked as if she had been poured into her clothes and had forgotten to say “when.” P.G. Wodehouse
• Show me a voice crying in the wilderness and I’ll show you a camper who forgot the booze.
• The cost of living has gone up another dollar a quart. C. Fields
• The telephone is a good way to talk to people without having to offer them a drink. Fran Lebowitz
• There can be nothing more frequent than an occasional drink. Oscar Wilde
• When you stop drinking you have to deal with this marvellous personality that started you drinking in the first place. Jimmy Breslin

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