Alcohol (funny quotes) - Wisdom Trove

Human animals

The male is a domestic animal which, if treated with firmness and kindness, can be trained to do most things. Jilly Cooper
Humans are the only animals that have children on purpose with the exception of guppies, who like to eat theirs. J. O’Rourke
Drinking without being thirsty and making love at any time, Madame, are the only things that distinguish us from other animals. Pierre-Augustin Caron de Beaumarchais
I think what sets us apart from other animals is that we aren’t afraid of vacuum cleaners. Jeff Stilson
Of all the animals, the boy is the most unmanageable. Plato
Man is rated the highest animal, at least among all animals who returned the questionnaire. Robert Brault
I finally know what distinguishes man from the other beasts: financial worries. Jules Renard
If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes? Kathleen Madigan
It’s weird people say they’re not like apes; now how do you explain football then? Mitch Hedberg
Man is the only animal that blushes or needs to. Mark Twain
Man is the only kind of varmint who sets his own trap baits it then steps on it. John Steinbeck
Man is the only animal that plays poker. Don Herold
Of all the animals the boy is the most unmanageable. Plato

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Eating animals

If we are not supposed to eat animals, then why are they made of meat?
My favorite animal is steak. Fran Lebowitz
Always remember the distinction between contribution and commitment. Take the matter of bacon and eggs. The chicken makes a contribution. The pig makes a commitment. John Mack Carter
Chickens: the only animals you eat before they are born and after they are dead.
Chicken: An egg’s way of making more eggs.
Ham and Eggs: A day’s work for a chicken, a lifetime commitment for a pig.
If God did not intend for us to eat animals, then why did he make them out of meat? John Cleese
I am not a vegetarian because I love animals; I am a vegetarian because I hate plants. A. Whitney Brown
My favorite animal is steak. Fran Lebowitz
If God didn’t want us to eat animals, then why’d he make them so tasty? Homer Simpson
I love defenceless animals – especially in good gravy. Steven Wright
I think animal crackers make people think that all animals taste the same. Mitch Hedberg
I’m not a vegetarian but I eat animals who are. Groucho Marx
My favorite kind of wild animal is on a plate. Homer Simpson
Nothing makes steak as efficiently as a cow. David Gerrold
Porkchops and bacon my two favorite animals. Homer Simpson
You’re supposed to eat the cows; they’re great big lumbering stupid things – they’d be everywhere if we didn’t eat them. Dylan Moran

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Zoos

Zoo: An excellent place to study the habits of human beings.
Zoo: A place devised for animals to study the habits of human beings. Oliver Herford
Zoo: A place of refuge where wild animals are protected from people.
Zoo: A place where humans go and animals are barred.
My parents used to take me to the pet department and tell me it was a zoo. Billy Connolly
Zebra: A horse behind bars.

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Vets

If you’re a doctor, it’s not so terrible to sleep with your patients. Unless you’re a vet.
As she lay there dozing next to me one voice inside my head kept saying “Relax you are not the first doctor to sleep with one of his patients ” but another kept reminding me “Howard you are a veterinarian.” Dick Wilson

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Pets

You enter into a certain amount of madness when you marry a person with pets. Nora Ephron
Ever consider what pets must think of us? I mean, here we come back from a grocery store with the most amazing haul — chicken, pork, half a cow. They must think we’re the greatest hunters on earth! Anne Tyler
I never married because there was no need: I have three pets at home which answer the same purpose as a husband – I have a dog which growls every morning a parrot which swears all afternoon and a cat that comes home late at night. Marie Corelli
I worked in a pet store and people kept asking how big I’d get. Rodney Dangerfield
No animal should ever jump up on the dining-room furniture unless absolutely certain that he can hold his own in the conversation. Fran Lebowitz

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Dogs

A boy can learn a lot from a dog: obedience, loyalty, and the importance of turning around three times before lying down. Robert Benchley
A dog is the only thing on earth that loves you more than he loves himself. Josh Billings
A dog thinks you are the greatest, coolest, smartest, most successful person in the world. Get a dog and work hard to live up to its expectations. Brian Johnson
A dog thinks: Hey, these people I live with feed me, love me, provide me with a nice warm, dry house, pet me, and take good care of me… They must be Gods! A cat thinks: Hey, these people I live with feed me, love me, provide me with a nice warm, dry house, pet me, and take good care of me… I must be a God!
A door is what a dog is perpetually on the wrong side of. Ogden Nash
A house without a dog or a cat is the house of a scoundrel. Portuguese proverb
A man running for office puts me in mind of a dog that’s lost – he smells everybody he meets, and wags himself all over. Josh Billings
A professor must have a theory as a dog must have fleas. L. Mencken
A young woman stepped forward from the throng and asked, ‘O’ great prophet, tell us how we might find love that is unconditional, unwavering, and unending.’ The prophet did not answer right away. He looked off into the distance, gathering his thoughts. Silence descended upon the crowd. Then he turned his gaze upon the young woman and said, ‘Get a dog.’ The Prophet by Kahlil Gibran (1st draft)
All bachelors love dogs and we would love children just as much if they could be taught to retrieve. J. O’Rourke
Amount of time it takes for a dog to “do its business” is directly proportional to outside temperature plus the suitability of owner’s outerwear. Betsy Cañas Garmon
Any dog under fifty pounds is a cat and cats are useless. Nick Offerman
Any man who hates dogs and babies can’t be all bad. Leo Rosten
Anybody who doesn’t know what soap tastes like never washed a dog. Franklin P. Jones
As ugly as a bulldog chewing a wasp.
Asking a working writer what he thinks about critics is like asking a lamppost how it feels about dogs. Christopher Hampton
Buy Woof, the pet food dogs ask for by name
By and large, people who enjoy teaching animals to roll over will find themselves happier with a dog. Barbara Holland
Cats are the ultimate narcissists. You can tell this because of all the time they spend on personal grooming. Dogs aren’t like this. A dog’s idea of personal grooming is to roll on a dead fish.
Dachshund: An animal half a dog high by a dog and a half long. H. L. Mencken
Dachshunds are ideal dogs for small children, as they are already stretched and pulled to such a length that a child cannot do much harm one way or another. Robert Benchley
Did you hear about the dyslexic agnostic insomniac who stays up all night wondering if there really is a Dog?
Diplomacy: the art of saying “nice doggie” till you can find a rock. Wyn Catlin
Dog Kennel: A barking lot.
Dog: An intelligent four footed animal who walks around with some dope on the end of a leash.
Dog: The only friend you can buy for money.
Dog’s philosophy: If you can’t shag it or eat it, then piss on it.
Dogs are forever in the push-up position. Mitch Hedberg
Dogs are like penises I enjoy my own but I don’t want to be touched by anyone else’s. Scott Dunn
Dogs are the leaders of the planet. If you see two life forms, one of them’s making a poop, the other one’s carrying it for him, who would you assume is in charge. Jerry Seinfeld
Dogs come when they’re called; cats take a message and get back to you later. Mary Bly
Dogs eat. Cats dine. Ann Taylor
Dogs have masters. Cats have staff.
Dogs verse cats
Don’t accept your dog’s admiration as conclusive evidence that you are wonderful. Ann Landers
Don’t make the mistake of treating your dogs like humans, or they’ll treat you like dogs. Martha Scott
Ever wonder where you’d end up if you took your dog for a walk and never once pulled back on the leash?
Happiness is a warm puppy. Lucy van Pelt
He has all the characteristics of a dog except loyalty. Sam Houston
He that lies down with dogs, shall rise up with fleas. Benjamin Franklin
Heaven goes by favor; for if it went by merit, you would stay out and your dog would go in. Mark Twain
Hot Dog: The only animal that feeds the hand that bites it.
How come dogs hate it if you blow in their faces; but when they get in the car they stick their heads out the window. Elayne Boosler
I am not your dog, but if every time you saw me, you gave me a backrub, I would run to greet you, too. Robert Brault
I have nothing against dogs; I just hate rugs that go squish-squish. Phyllis Diller
I loathe people who keep dogs; they are cowards who haven’t got the guts to bite people themselves. August Strindberg
I looked up my family tree and found three dogs using it. Rodney Dangerfield
I poured Spot remover on my dog. Now he’s gone.
I want to be the person my dog thinks I am.
I wonder if other dogs think poodles are members of a weird religious cult. Rita Rudner
I wonder what goes through his mind when he sees us peeing in his water bowl. Penny Ward Moser
I’ve been on so many blind dates I should get a free dog. Wendy Liebman
If aliens saw us walking our dogs and picking up their poop, who would they think is in charge?
If dogs could talk it would take a lot of the fun out of owning one. Andy Rooney’
If there are no dogs in Heaven, then when I die I want to go where they went. Will Rogers
If you can look at a dog and not feel vicarious excitement and affection, you must be a cat.
If you pick up a starving dog and make him prosperous, he will not bite you; this is the principal difference between dog and man. Mark Twain
If you think dogs can’t count, try putting three dog biscuits in your pocket and then giving Fido only two of them. Phil Pastoret
If you want to cure your dog’s bad breath, just pour a little Lavoris in the toilet. Jay Leno
If you’re being chased by a police dog try not to go through a tunnel then on to a little seesaw then jump through a hoop of fire; they’re trained for that! Milton Jones
If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first? The dog, of course. He’ll shut up once you let him in.
In order to keep a true perspective of one’s importance, everyone should have a dog that will worship him and a cat that will ignore him.
It was raining cats and dogs, and I fell in a poodle. Charles ‘Chic’ Murray
It’s just the most amazing thing to love a dog, isn’t it? It makes our relationships with people seem as boring as a bowl of oatmeal. John Grogan
It’s tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet she won’t drink from my glass. Rodney Dangerfield
Just give me a comfortable couch, a dog, a good book, and a woman. Then if you can get the dog to go somewhere and read the book, I might have a little fun. Groucho Marx
Life is like a dogsled team; if you ain’t the lead dog, the scenery never changes. Lewis Grizzard Jr.
Money will buy a pretty good dog, but it won’t buy the wag of his tail. Josh Billings
My dog can lick anyone!
My dog was my soul mate; we both took naps, we both skipped lunch, we both hated the vacuum. Elayne Boosler
My dog’s favorite bone is in my arm! Rodney Dangerfield
My housemate gave my dog flees.
My husband and I are either going to buy a dog or have a child; we can’t decide whether to ruin our carpet or ruin our lives. Rita Rudner
My mom took me to a dog show and I won!! Rodney Dangerfield
My parents had to tie a pork chop around my neck so the dog would play with me. Rodney Dangerfield
My wife kisses the dog on the lips yet she won’t drink from my glass. Rodney Dangerfield
Never say anything uncomplimentary about another person’s dog. Jackson Brown Jr.
No one appreciates the very special genius of your conversation as the dog does. Christopher Morley
Not only is life a bitch, it has puppies. Adrienne Gusoff
Oh lord, please make me into the man my dog thinks I am.
Outside a dog, a book is a man’s best friend. Inside of a dog, it’s too dark to read. Groucho Marx
Scratch a dog and you’ll find a permanent job. Samuel Johnson
She has a face like a saint – a St. Bernard! Rodney Dangerfield
Sometimes you’re sure dogs have some secret, superior intelligence, and other times you know they’re only their simple, goofy selves. Deb Caletti
The average dog is a nicer person than the average person. Andy Rooney
The great pleasure of a dog is that you may make a fool of yourself with him and not only will he not scold you, but he will make a fool of himself too. Samuel Butler
The man who gets bit twice by the same dog is better adapted for that kind of business than any other. Josh Billings
The measure of a bird dog’s intelligence can be determined by the length of time it takes to resign yourself to his way of thinking.
The more one gets to know of men, the more one values dogs. A. Toussenel
The most affectionate creature in the world is a wet dog. Ambrose Bierce
The other day, I was walking my dog around my building… on the ledge. Steven Wright
The pug is living proof that God has a sense of humor. Margo Kaufman
The vet says the dog will not lick the salve because the salve tastes bad to the dog… hello?… he’s already licking his ass. Jake Johannsen
They say a reasonable number of fleas is good for a dog – keeps him from brooding over being a dog. Edward Nogs Westcroft
To err is human—to forgive, canine.
To his dog every man is Napoleon; hence the constant popularity of dogs. Aldous Huxley
Watching a baby being born is a little like watching a wet St. Bernard coming in through the cat door. Jeff Foxworthy
We’ve begun to long for the pitter-patter of little feet – so we bought a dog; well it’s cheaper and you get more feet. Rita Rudner
What do dogs do on their day off? Can’t lie around – that’s their job! George Carlin
What has four legs and an arm? A happy pit bull.
What’s black and white and brown and looks good on a lawyer? a Doberman. Mordecai Richler
When your children are teenagers, it’s important to have a dog so that someone in the house is happy to see you. Nora Ephron
Why do dogs lick their balls? Because they can.
Yesterday I was a dog… today I’m a dog… tomorrow I’ll probably still be a dog. Sigh! There’s so little hope for advancement. Snoopy
You always sympathize with the underdog, except when the other dog is yours.
You can say any foolish thing to a dog, and the dog will give you a look that says, ‘My God, you’re right! I never would’ve thought of that! Dave Barry

Dogs verse cats

Dogs come when they’re called; cats take a message and get back to you later.
Dogs have masters. Cats have staff.
Cats are the ultimate narcissists. You can tell this because of all the time they spend on personal grooming. Dogs aren’t like this. A dog’s idea of personal grooming is to roll on a dead fish.
By and large, people who enjoy teaching animals to roll over will find themselves happier with a dog. Barbara Holland
Cats are smarter than dogs. You can’t get eight cats to pull a sled through snow. Jeff Valdez
Dogs come when they’re called; cats take a message and get back to you later. Mary Bly
Dogs eat. Cats dine. Ann Taylor
Dogs have masters. Cats have staff.
Any dog under fifty pounds is a cat and cats are useless. Nick Offerman
My sister wanted a cat for a pet… I wanted a dog, so they bought a cat and taught it to bark. Charles ‘Chic’ Murray

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Cats

A cat walking into a room containing twelve seated people will jump into the lap of the person who hates cats the most. Feline Law
A man who carries a cat by the tail learns something he can learn in no other way. Mark Twain
As anyone who has ever been around a cat for any length of time well knows, cats have enormous patience with the limitations of the human kind. Cleveland Amory
As every cat owner knows, nobody owns a cat. Ellen Perry Berkeley
Cat: A lap warmer with a built-in buzzer.
Cat: A pygmy lion who loathes mice hates dogs and patronizes human beings. Oliver Herford
Cat: A soft, indestructible automaton provided by nature to be kicked when things go wrong in the domestic circle.
Cats are the ultimate narcissists. You can tell this because of all the time they spend on personal grooming. Dogs aren’t like this. A dog’s idea of personal grooming is to roll on a dead fish. James Gorman
Cats can work out mathematically the exact place to sit that will cause most inconvenience. Pam Brown
Cats have a scam going – you buy the food, they eat the food, they go away; that’s the deal. Eddie Izzard
Cats have an infallible understanding of total concentration – and get between you and it. Arthur Bridges
Cats seem to go on the principle that it never does any harm to ask for what you want. Joseph Wood Krutch
Cats were put into the world to disprove the dogma that all things were created to serve man. Paul Gray
Curiosity killed the cat, but for a while I was a suspect. Steven Wright
Everything I know I learned from my cat: When you’re hungry, eat. When you’re tired, nap in a sunbeam. When you go to the vet’s, pee on your owner. Gary Smith
Fiddle: An instrument to tickle human ears by friction of a horse’s tail on the entrails of a cat. Ambrose Bierce
For a man to truly understand rejection, he must first be ignored by a cat.
How are you supposed to be able to tell when cat food has gone bad? Bridget Keller
I love cats…they taste just like chicken.
I love Wagner, but the music I prefer is that of a cat hung up by its tail outside a window and trying to stick to the panes of glass with its claws. Charles Baudelaire
If cats could talk, they wouldn’t. Nan Porter
If purring could be encapsulated, it’d be the most powerful anti-depressant on the pharmaceutical market. Alexis F. Hope
If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what would happen if you strapped toast on the back of a cat and drop it? Steven Wright
In ancient times cats were worshipped as gods; they have not forgotten this. Terry Pratchett
A child is a person who can’t understand why someone would give away a perfectly good kitten. Doug Larson
In order to keep a true perspective of one’s importance, everyone should have a dog that will worship him and a cat that will ignore him. Dereke Bruce
It’s really the cat’s house – we just pay the mortgage.
Kittens play with yarn, they bat it around. What they’re really doing is saying, “I can’t knit, get this away from me!” Mitch Hedberg
Last night he went on the paper four times… three of those times I was reading it. Rodney Dangerfield
My husband said it was him or the cat… I miss him sometimes.
No matter how much the cats fight, there always seem to be plenty of kittens. Abraham Lincoln
People that hate cats will come back as mice in their next life. Faith Resnick
The best way to get a puppy is to beg for a baby brother… they’ll settle for a puppy every time. Winston Pendelton
The cat could very well be man’s best friend but would never stoop to admitting it. Doug Larson Howe
The cat could very well be man’s best friend but would never stoop to admitting it. Doug Larson
The trouble with a kitten is that it eventually beomes a cat. Ogden Nash
There is no snooze button on a cat who wants breakfast.
To err is human; to purr, feline. Robert Byrne
When I played in the sandbox, the cat kept covering me up. Rodney Dangerfield
When Jack Benny plays the violin, it sounds as if the strings are back in the cat. Fred Allen
You know your cat is getting old when she quits hunting in the back yard. Now she hunts at your dinner table. Denny Lyon
A countryman between two lawyers is like a fish between two cats. Benjamin Franklin
An ordinary kitten will ask more questions than any five-year-old boy. Carl Van Vechten
Cat bathing is a martial art
Cats: A standing rebuke to behavioural scientist.
Cats are intended to teach us that not everything in nature has a function. Garrison Keillor
Cats have nine lives which makes them ideal for experimentation. Jimmy Carr
I am not a cat man but a dog man and all felines can tell this at a glance. James Thurber
If man could be crossed with the cat it would improve man but deteriorate the cat. Mark Twain
It was so cold today that I saw a dog chasing a cat and the dog was walking. Mickey Rivers
Lettin’ the cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier’n puttin’ it back. Mark Twain
Nature abhors a vacuum but not as much as cats do. Lee Entrekin
Never wear anything that panics the cat. J. O’Rourke
No matter which side of door the cat or dog is on it’s the wrong side. Pet Principle
The problem with cats is that they get the exact same look whether they’ve seen a moth or an ax murder. Paula Poundstone
There are no seeing eye cats of course because the sole function of cats in the Great Chain of Life is to cause harm to human beings. Dave Barry
We’ve a cat called Ben Hur; we called it Ben till it had kittens. Sally Poplin
When I took office only high energy physicists had ever heard of what is called the Worldwide Web . Now even my cat has its own page.
When your cat has fallen asleep on your lap and looks utterly content and adorable you will suddenly have to go to the bathroom. Rule of Feline Frustration
Women and cats will do as they please and men and dogs should relax and get used to the idea. Robert Heinlein
You’ve never seen a cat have sex nobody has; the Discovery Channel hasn’t caught that. Tom Papa

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Chickens

The chicken came first – God would look silly sitting on an egg.
Corn can’t expect justice from a court composed of chickens. African Proverb
I dream of a better tomorrow, where chickens can cross the road and not be questioned about their motives.
A hen is an egg’s way of making another egg.

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Birds

A bird in the hand is usually dead. Proverb
Fall is my favorite season in Los Angeles, watching the birds change color and fall from the trees. David Letterman
I’m a bird watcher and I’m looking for a Big Breasted Bed Thrasher: have you seen one?
If it looks like a duck, and quacks like a duck, we have at least to consider the possibility that we have a small aquatic bird of the family anatidae on our hands. Douglas Adams
It was my uncle who taught me about the birds and the bees. He sat me down one day and said, ‘Remember this, George, the birds fuck the bees.’ Then he told me he once banged a girl so hard her freckles came off.” George Carlin
Kinky sex involves the use of duck feathers; perverted sex involves the whole duck. Lewis Grizzard Jr.
Life’s like a bird, it’s pretty cute until it shits on your head.
My father told me all about the birds and the bees, the liar – I went steady with a woodpecker till I was twenty-one. Bob Hope
Nature: a place where birds fly around uncooked. Oscar Wilde
Smart as a tree full of owls. Country expression
The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese. Willie Nelson
The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese. Proverb
The Love Bird is 100% faithful to his mate, as long as they are locked together in the same cage. Will Cuppy
The mosquito is the state bird of New Jersey.
The only bird that gives the poor a real tumble is the stork. Wilson Mizner
What a kid I got, I told him about the birds and the bees and he told me about the butcher and my wife. Rodney Dangerfield
When birds burp, it must taste like bugs. Bill Watterson
When turkeys mate they think of swans. Johnny Carson
Women and birds are able to see without turning their heads, and that is indeed a necessary provision for they are both surrounded by enemies. James Stephens
Eagles may soar, but weasels don’t get sucked into jet engines. John Benfield
One time I saw two geese fighting and I thought, this is a pillow fight, ahead of time. Demetri Martin
The only difference between a pigeon and the American farmer today is that a pigeon can still make a deposit on a John Deere. Jim Hightower
A bird in the hand makes blowing your nose difficult. Solomon Short
I can levitate birds – no one cares. Steven Wright
I find that a duck’s opinion of me is heavily influenced by whether or not I have bread. Mitch Hedberg
It’s a good thing we have gravity or else when birds died they’d just stay right up there; hunters would be all confused. Steven Wright
Live in such a way that you would not be ashamed to sell your parrot to the town gossip. Will Rogers
We’ve got stained glass windows in our house; it’s those damned pigeons. Charles ‘Chic’ Murray
When a man’s best friend is his dog that dog has a problem. Edward Abbey

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Horses

A camel is a horse designed by a committee. Alec Issigonis
A horse is dangerous at both ends and uncomfortable in the middle. Ian Fleming
A horse walks into a bar. The bartender says “Hello, why the long face?”
Alimony is like buying oats for a dead horse. Arthur Baer
Betting: putting money on a horse to prevent it winning (Frank Richardson)
Camel: A horse designed by a committee.
Fiddle: An instrument to tickle human ears by friction of a horse’s tail on the entrails of a cat. Ambrose Bierce
He was so learned that he could name a horse in nine languages; so ignorant that he bought a cow to ride on. Benjamin Franklin
Horse sense is the thing a horse has which keeps it from betting on people. W.C. Fields
In the corporate world, if you have analysts, due diligence, and no horse sense, you’ve just described hell. Charlie Munger
It doesn’t matter what you do in the bedroom as long as you don’t do it in the street and frighten the horses. Daphne Fielding
Men love mirrors. They look at themselves doing the deed and they see Rex the Wonder Horse. Women look at themselves and think they need to renew their membership at the gym. Janet Evanovich
My horse was so late getting home, he tiptoed into the stable. Henny Youngman
Never join with your friend when he abuses his horse or his wife unless the one is to be sold, and the other to be buried. Charles Caleb Colton
The best way to stop a runaway horse is to bet on it.
The great thing about racehorses is you don’t need to take them for walks. Albert Finney
The horse I bet on was so slow, the jockey kept a diary of the trip. Henny Youngman
Whoa!: A brake for horses.
You can lead a horse to water, but you can’t make him participate in synchronized diving. Cuthbert Soup
You can take a horse to water, but a pencil must be led. Stan Laurel
Horse: An oatsmobile.
One way to stop a runaway horse is to bet on him. Jeffrey Bernard
Paying alimony is like feeding hay to a dead horse. Groucho Marx
People on horses look better than they are; people in cars look worse than they are. Marya Mannes
Riding: The art of keeping a horse between yourself and the ground.
There are more horses’ asses in this world than there are horses. Costello’s Conclusion
Whoa!: A brake for horses.

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Cows and bulls

All the good ideas I ever had came to me while I was milking a cow. Grant Wood
As for butter versus margarine, I trust cows more than chemists. Joan Gussow
He was so learned that he could name a horse in nine languages; so ignorant that he bought a cow to ride on. Benjamin Franklin
Scientists tell us that the fastest animal on earth, with a top speed of 120 ft/sec, is a cow that has been dropped out of a helicopter. Dave Barry
The best way to control cows and sheep is to give them a big grazing field. Shunryu Suzuki
They call it “pms” because “mad cow disease” was already taken.
Who was the first to see a cow and think “I wonder what will happen if I squeeze these dangly things and drink whatever comes out?”
A cow is an animal that owes all it has to udders.
Who was the first to see a cow and think “I wonder what will happen if I squeeze these dangly things and drink whatever comes out?”
They call it “pms” because “mad cow disease” was already taken.
The cow is of the bovine ilk: One end is moo, the other, milk. Ogden Nash
Opie, you haven’t finished your milk. We can’t put it back in the cow, you know. Aunt Bee Taylor
Never kick a cow chip on a hot day. Will Rogers
You’re supposed to eat the cows; they’re great big lumbering stupid things – they’d be everywhere if we didn’t eat them. Dylan Moran

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Rats

It hit me how resentful it must make rats knowing that they’re just a bushy tail away from being hand fed in the park. Jeff Stilson

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Bulls

Useless as tits on on bull. Proverb
Don’t take the bull by the horns take him by the tail; then you can let go when you want to. Josh Billings

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Moose

A moose is an animal with horns on the front of its head and a hunting lodge wall on the back of it. Groucho Marx

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Dolphins

Did you know that dolphins are so smart that within a few weeks of captivity, they can train people to stand on the very edge of the pool and throw them fish?

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Sharks

We heard the sea is infatuated with sharks.
I could tell by their audible gasps that people on the beach where jealous of me when I found six shark’s teeth; locating them wasn’t really the problem but pulling them out of my leg was. Jarod Kintz
I’m afraid of sharks – but only in a water situation. Demetri Martin

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Snakes

Even snakes are afraid of snakes. Steven Wright
I always keep a supply of stimulant handy in case I see a snake – which I also keep handy. C. Fields

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Camels

I distrust camels and anyone else who can go a week without a drink. Joe E. Lewis

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Elephants

I have a memory like an elephant; in fact, elephants often consult me. Noel Coward
When you have got an elephant by the hind leg and he is trying to run away it’s best to let him run. Abraham Lincoln

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Crabs

I wanna buy a bunch of hermit crabs and make them live together. Demetri Martin

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Pigs

I learned long ago, never to wrestle with a pig; you get dirty, and besides, the pig likes it. George Bernard Shaw
Never try to teach a pig to sing; it wastes your time and annoys the pig. Proverb
All dogs look up to you; all cats look down to you only the pig looks at you as an equal. Winston Churchill
If a pig loses its voice is it disgruntled? George Carlin

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Gorilla

He’s as big as a gorilla and as strong as a gorilla; if he was as smart as a gorilla he’d be fine. Sam Bailey
Watching your daughter being collected by her date feels like handing over a million dollar Stradivarius to a gorilla. Jim Bishop

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Sheep

If you can’t sleep, count sheep. Don’t count endangered animals. You will run out. Mitch Hedberg
Geographically Ireland is a medium-sized rural island that is slowly but steadily being consumed by sheep. Dave Barry
It is a known fact that the sheep that give us steel wool have no natural enemies. Gary Larson
The lion and the calf shall lie down together but the calf won’t get much sleep.
The Lord may be smilin’ on the sheeps but they still wind up as lamb chops. Archie Bunker

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Rabbits

Large naked raw carrots are acceptable as food only to those who lie in hutches eagerly awaiting Easter. Fran Lebowitz
The other day when I was walking through the woods I saw a rabbit standing in front of a candle making shadows of people on a tree. Steven Wright

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Bears

The right to bear arms is slightly less ludicrous than the right to arm bears. Chris Addison
This bear was six foot seven in his stocking feet and had shoes on. Groucho Marx

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Hippopotamus

Is a hippopotamus a hippopotamus, or just a really cool Opotamus? Mitch Hedberg

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Squirrels

Squirrels: Nature’s speed bumps.

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Deer

How do they get the deer to cross at that yellow road sign? George Carlin

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Zebra

How fast does a zebra have to run before it looks grey? Demetri Martin

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Turtles

I wanna put stickers on turtles. I don’t know why. Demetri Martin

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Wolves

Democracy is two wolves and a lamb voting on what to have for lunch. Benjamin Franklin

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Hedgehogs

Hedgehog: The cactus of the animal Kingdom Ambrose Bierce

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Goats

You can put a coat and tie on a goat, and it’s still a goat. Proverb

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Elephant

Elephant: A mouse built to government specifications. Robert Heinlein

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Monkeys

Culture is roughly anything we do and the monkeys don’t. Lord Raglan
I believe our Heavenly Father invented man because he was disappointed in the monkey. Mark Twain
I can make more generals but horses cost money. Abraham Lincoln
It is hard for the ape to believe that he has descended from man. L. Mencken
You know what evolution is a myth; why aren’t monkeys still evolving into humans? Christine O’Donnell

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Skunks

If criticism had any power to harm the skunk would be extinct by now. Fred Allen

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Whales

The whale is endangered, while the ant continues to do just fine. Bill Vaughn

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Mice

The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese. Willie Nelson
You’re a mouse studying to be a rat. Wilson Mizner
Whoever coined the phrase “Quiet as a mouse” has never stepped on one.

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Hedgehogs

A hedgehog is the cactus of the animal Kingdom.

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Fish

All men are equal before fish. Herbert Hoover
Anglers think they are divining some primeval natural force by outwitting a fish a creature that never even got out of the evolutionary starting gate. Rich Hall
Fishing is boring unless you catch an actual fish and then it is disgusting. Dave Barry
Fish and visitors smell in three days. Benjamin Franklin
Fish are always eating other fish; if fish could scream the ocean would be loud as shit. Mitch Hedberg
Fish: An animal that grows fastest between the time it is caught and the time a fisherman describes it to his friends.
I don’t like grouper fish. Well they’re okay. They hang around star fish. Because they’re grouper fish. Mitch Hedberg
I got a waterbed but my husband stocked it with trout. Joan Rivers
If you give a person a fish they’ll fish for a day; but if you train a person to fish they’ll fish for a lifetime.
If you’re a fish and you want to be a fish stick you must have very good posture. Mitch Hedberg
They should call fishing what it really is – tricking and killing! Demetri Martin

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Possums

You might be a redneck if… you think “fast food” is hitting a possum at 65 miles an hour. Jeff Foxworthy

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Lions

A barking dog is often more useful than a sleeping lion. Washington Irving

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Squirrels

Squirrels: Nature’s speed bumps.

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Insects

I’m convinced my cockroaches have military training, I set off a roach bomb – they diffused it. Jay London
An optimist is a fellow who believes a housefly is looking for a way to get out. George Jean Nathan
Ant: A small insect that though always at work still finds time to go to picnics.
Bugs: Small living things that small living boys throw on small living girls.
Caterpillar: An upholstered worm.
Gnats mosquitoes and other flying pests are more likely to go for the ears eyes nose and throat when both hands are in use.
I was sleeping the other night alone thanks to the exterminator. Emo Phillips
I’m convinced my cockroaches have military training I set off a roach bomb – they diffused it. Jay London
I’ve seen insects walking around with kneepads. Dylan Moran
If it’s so great outside why are all the bugs trying to get inside my house? Jim Gaffigan
It’s only when you look at an ant through a magnifying glass on a sunny day that you realize how often they burst into flames. Harry Hill
Man should stop fighting among themselves and start fighting insects. Luther Burbank
When insects take over the world we hope they will remember with gratitude how we took them along on all our picnics. Bill Vaughn
Would a fly without wings be called a walk? George Carlin
You scratch my back and I’ll suck blood out of yours’ – that is the insect motto. Dave Barry

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Frogs

Analyzing humor is like dissecting a frog; few people are interested and the frog dies of it. E.B. White

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Giraffe

I’d hate to be a giraffe with a sore throat. Mitch Hedberg
Giraffe: The highest form of animal life.

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Bears

The right to bear arms is slightly less ludicrous than the right to arm bears. Chris Addison
Support your right to arm bears. Cleveland Amory

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Final thoughts

A family is a unit composed not only of children but of men, women, an occasional animal, and the common cold. Ogden Nash
I think animal testing is a terrible idea; they get all nervous and give the wrong answers.
You’re a good example of why some animals eat their young. Jim Samuels
You might be a redneck if… you think “fast food” is hitting a possum at 65 miles an hour. Jeff Foxworthy
Biologically speaking if something bites you it’s more likely to be female. Desmond Morris
I never said all actors are cattle; what I said was all actors should be treated like cattle. Alfred Hitchcock
Circus: A place where horses ponies and elephants are permitted to see men women and children acting the fool. Ambrose Bierce
For animals the entire universe has been neatly divided into things to (a) mate with (b) eat (c) run away from and (d) rocks. Terry Pratchett
I think Bigfoot is blurry that’s the problem; there’s a large out-of-focus monster roaming the countryside. Mitch Hedberg
Taxidermist: A man who mounts animals.
When they were naming the animals somebody got lazy whats he doing? Eating ants. DONE! Demetri Martin

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