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Assertiveness is the quality of being self-assured and confident without being aggressive

• Assertive: Confident and direct in claiming one’s rights or putting forward one’s views. Dictionary.com
• Assertive:  Someone who is assertive behaves confidently and is not frightened to say what they want or believe.  Cambridge Dictionary
• Assertiveness is an attitude: That of defending your rights without hurting those of others.
• Self-confidence,  Communication,  Personal effectiveness,  Conflict management,  Self-doubt,  Shyness

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Assertiveness is saying what you mean and asking for what you want

• Assertiveness is saying what you mean and asking for what you want, in a clear, factual and straightforward manner and without apology. It’s a neutral way to communicate a positive or negative message without being hurtful to the other person and without letting another person walk all over you. Assertiveness requires respect, honesty, personal responsibility, active listening and often, compromise. Lisa Braithwaite
• Being assertive means communicating with others in a direct and honest manner without intentionally hurting anyone’s feelings.
• Assertiveness involves advocating for yourself in a way that is positive and proactive. It also means being clear, direct and honest. Joyce Marter
• Ask for what you want

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Assertiveness is based on respect for both yourself and the other person

• Individuals behaving assertively will express themselves in ways that respect the other person. They assume the best about people, respect themselves, and think “win-win” and try to compromise. Elizabeth Scott, M.S.
• Being assertive shows that you respect yourself, because you’re willing to stand up for your interests and express your thoughts and feelings. It also demonstrates that you’re aware of the rights of others and are willing to work on resolving conflicts. Mayo Clinic
• The basic difference between being assertive and being aggressive is how our words and behaviour affect the rights and well-being of others. Sharon Anthony Bower
• Respect,  Self-respect

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Assertiveness is about honesty and authenticity

• To practice self-assertiveness is to live authentically, to speak and act from my innermost convictions and feelings — as a way of life, as a rule. Nathaniel Branden
• Honesty,  Being yourself,  Integrity

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Assertiveness is about valuing authenticity and uniqueness in ourselves and others

• Through assertiveness we develop contact with ourselves and with others. We become real human beings with real ideas, real differences…and real flaws. And we admit all of these things. We don’t try to become someone else’s mirror. We don’t try to suppress someone else’s uniqueness. We don’t try to pretend that we’re perfect. We become ourselves. We allow ourselves to be there. Randy Paterson
• Uniqueness,  Acceptance,  Self-acceptance,  Love

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Having the courage to be sincere, open and honest opens the door to deeper communication

• Being vulnerable doesn’t have to be threatening. Just have the courage to be sincere, open and honest. This opens the door to deeper communication all around. It creates self- empowerment and the kind of connections with others we all want in life. Speaking from the heart frees us from the secrets that burden us. These secrets are what make us sick or fearful. Speaking truth helps you get clarity on your real heart directives. Sara Paddison
• Courage,  Open-mindedness,  Openness,  Honesty

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You get treated in life the way you teach people to treat you

• I teach people how to treat me by what I will allow. Stephen Covey
• You get treated in life the way you teach people to treat you. Wayne Dyer

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Know what you stand for and what you won’t stand for

• It’s important the people should know what you stand for. It’s equally important that they know what you won’t stand for. Mary H. Waldrip
• Self-respect,  Self-worth,  Self-esteem

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Know when to set barriers and say “enough.”

• When we find ourselves in an aggressive relationship, we need to set clear boundaries. The kindest thing we can do for everyone concerned is to know when to say ‘enough.’ Many people use Buddhist ideals to justify self- debasement. In the name of not shutting our heart, we let people walk all over us. It is said that in order not to break our vow of compassion we have to learn when to stop aggression and draw the line. There are times when the only way to bring down the barriers is to set barriers. Pema Chodron
• Be humble and polite, but don’t let anyone push you around. H. Jackson Brown, Jr.

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Be open about how you feel and what you want

• I have found that it is the willingness to say what I feel and want that makes me feel whole. Shakti Gawain
• Emotional intelligence,  Know what you want

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Learn to say “no.”

• Unless someone truly has the power to say no, they never truly have the power to say yes. Dan Millman
• Learn to say no. People worry that saying no is selfish. It’s not. Rather, setting healthy limits is important to having healthy relationships. Margarita Tartakovsky
• You have the right to say no, without feeling guilty. Manuel J. Smith
• Learn to say no

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Start small

• At first, practice your new assertiveness skills in situations that are low risk. For instance, try out your assertiveness on a partner or friend before tackling a difficult situation at work. Evaluate yourself afterward and tweak your approach as necessary. Mayo Clinic
• Start small,  The power of small steps

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Be clear within yourself what you want to say

• Think before you speak. The first step is to be clear within yourself as to what you want to say. Barbara Small

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Rehearse what you want to say

• Rehearse what you want to say. If it’s challenging to say what you want or think, practice typical scenarios you encounter. Say what you want to say out loud. It may help to write it out first, too, so you can practice from a script. Consider role playing with a friend or colleague and ask for blunt feedback. Mayo Clinic
• Preparation

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Think carefully about the best time and place to bring things up

• Timing is important. Use your judgement to maximise receptivity and impact.  Lee Hopkins
• How, where and when you choose to comment is just as important as what you say. Lee Hopkins

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Use “I” statements

• Using “I” statements lets others know what you’re thinking without sounding accusatory. For instance, say, “I disagree,” rather than, “You’re wrong.” Mayo Clinic
• Own your opinion, feelings and wants by using “I” statements. Avoid using “you” and “we”. Otherwise, others may feel like you are talking for them or accusing them, such as “You made me angry”. Barbara Small
• Use “I Messages”. Simply put, if you start a sentence off with “You”, it comes off as more of a judgment or attack, and puts people on the defensive. If you start with “I”, the focus is more on how you are feeling and how you are affected by their behavior. Also, it shows more ownership of your reactions, and less blame.  Elizabeth Scott, M.S.

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Use effective body language and eye contact

• Communication isn’t just verbal. Act confident even if you aren’t feeling it. Keep an upright posture, but lean forward a bit. Make regular eye contact. Maintain a neutral or positive facial expression. Don’t wring your hands or use dramatic gestures. Practice assertive body language in front of a mirror or with a friend or colleague. Mayo Clinic
• Make sure your words and body language match. If you’re upset about something, don’t smile; it’s confusing to the other person what you really mean. Lisa Braithwaite
• Make sure your body reflects confidence: stand up straight, look people in the eye, and relax. Elizabeth Scott, M.S.
• When you look at people as you are talking with them, they know you are confident about what you are saying and that it is important. Barbara Small
• Make eye contact, keep your voice calm and your posture relaxed and confident. Lisa Braithwaite
• Assertive body language is calm and strong, whereas aggressive body language is tense and intimidating and passive body language is weak. Keeping good eye contact and limiting loud gestures are great ways to maintain that middle ground. Heather Shuttleworth
• Body language

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Keep your emotions in check

• Conflict is hard for most people. Maybe you get angry or frustrated, or maybe you feel like crying. Although these feelings are normal, they can get in the way of resolving conflict. If you feel too emotional going into a situation, wait a bit if possible. Then work on remaining calm. Breathe slowly. Keep your voice even and firm. Mayo Clinic
• Emotions,  Emotional intelligence

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Be clear and concise

• Speak clearly and concisely. Remember “less is more”. When we keep on talking we often start to make excuses, contradict ourselves and give others lots of ammunition for arguing us out of our opinion if they want. Barbara Small
• Clarity,  Eloquence,  Brevity

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Describe behaviour without labelling or judging it

• When approaching someone about behaviour you’d like to see changed, stick to factual descriptions of what they’ve done that’s upset you, rather than labels or judgments. The same should be done if describing the effects of their behaviour. Don’t exaggerate, label or judge; just describe.  Elizabeth Scott, M.S.
• Let go of the need to judge

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Express your feelings respectfully without labelling or justifying them

• Express your feelings without judgment or justification. Your feelings are always valid whether others agree with them or not. They simply need to be expressed in an appropriate and respectful manner. Barbara Small

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Stick to your point and the facts without making judgements

• Stick to your point and don’t be led astray by arguments that are not relevant. Lisa Braithwaite
• Stick to the facts of the situation, rather than personal judgments about the other person. Lisa Braithwaite

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Listen to the other person

• Listen without interrupting. Let the other person have their say, and really hear what they’re saying. Lisa Braithwaite
• State your needs and wants clearly and with respect. Don’t apologize for anything. Be honest and fair. Lisa Braithwaite
• When in a discussion, don’t forget to listen and ask questions! It’s important to understand the other person’s point of view as well. Elizabeth Scott, M.S.
• Attention,  Listening

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Always look for win-win outcomes

• Always look for the win-win. How can you and the other person both come away with something you want?  Lisa Braithwaite
• Try to think win-win: see if you can find a compromise or a way for you both get your needs met. Elizabeth Scott, M.S.
• Thinking win-win,  Cooperation

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Try these formulas

• Here’s a great formula that works well. “When you [their behavior], I feel [your feelings].” When used with factual statements, rather than judgments or labels, this formula provides a direct, non- attacking, more responsible way of letting people know how their behavior affects you. For example:  “When you yell, I feel attacked.”  Elizabeth Scott, M.S.
• Use this formula: When I hear/see X, I feel Y, because I need Z…and I request… Clinton Power

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Tips for assertive communication in relationships

• When it comes to relationships, consider the code or values that you believe in or feel strongly about. Practicing unilateral virtue is then about the simplicity of living that code, even in the face of provocation. It’s unilateral, because you alone take responsibility for living by the values that you find meaningful and virtuous. Clinton Power
• Lose battles to win wars means consider letting go of your need to be right in favour of your bigger picture. Your big picture may include wanting a harmonious relationship, supporting your partner’s desires or creating a compassionate, warm and loving relationship. Clinton Power
• Empathy, compassion and love bring a whole new dimension to your relationships when you hold these intentions in the background of your communication. They help you ‘tune- in’ to the other, feel the person behind the eyes and relate with openness. Clinton Power
• When you communicate with assertiveness, it’s a two-way process. Your partner receiving the message will respond, and this gives you an opportunity to listen in a different way. As you listen to the response, go beyond the content you are hearing and listen for the deepest wants and desires that are embedded in the message. Don’t get caught up in the details, but go deeper into the message and pick up what’s not being said.  Clinton Power
• Once you have communicated with assertiveness, step back and look at the big picture of what outcomes you can both agree to. Make these agreements clear and simple, so there are no doubts between you. Clinton Power
• Many couples fall into the trap of moving to solutions too quickly, and negate the important steps of listening, understanding and validating. Make sure you engage in these practices before negotiating possible solutions, to facilitate resolution of the issue.  Clinton Power
• Principles for healthy relationships,  Communication,  Conflict management

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Being assertive is very different from being passive or aggressive

• Being assertive is starkly different from being passive or aggressive. In the passive style, all the world is allowed on stage but for you — your role is to be the audience and supporter for everyone else. In the aggressive style, you’re allowed on stage but you spend most of your time shoving the others off, like in a lifelong sumo match. With the assertive style, everyone is welcome onstage. You are entitled to be a full person, including your uniqueness, and so are others.  Randy Paterson

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Avoid being overly passive

• If your style is passive, you may seem to be shy or overly easy-going. You tend to avoid conflict. Why is that a problem? Because the message you’re sending is that your thoughts and feelings aren’t as important as those of other people. In essence, when you’re too passive, you give others the license to disregard your wants and needs. The internal conflict that can be created by passive behaviour can lead to stress, resentment, seething anger and feelings of victimization.  Mayo Clinic
• Passive communication is when you bend over backwards not to hurt the other person, beat around the bush, avoid honesty, avoid eye contact, apologize for your feelings, ideas or behaviour, whine or complain. Passive communication is based on fear of hurting another or fear of rejection, and it’s hard to get what you want when your message is unclear and you spend your life avoiding possible conflict.  Lisa Braithwaite

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Avoid being aggressive

• Aggressive communication is when all you care about is your own needs, doing whatever it takes to get what you want at the expense of the other person. It might involve blaming, judging, humiliation, name-calling or threats. There is a clear lack of respect for the other person’s rights, and the aggressor does not take responsibility for her or his own feelings and behaviours. This style of communication is also based on emotion, not facts, and it undermines any trust or respect others may have for you.  Lisa Braithwaite
• Individuals behaving aggressively will tend to employ tactics that are disrespectful, manipulative, demeaning, or abusive. They make negative assumptions about the motives of others and think in retaliatory terms, or they don’t think of the other person’s point of view at all. They win at the expense of others, and create unnecessary conflict. Elizabeth Scott, M.S.
• You may think that being aggressive gets you what you want. However, it comes at a cost. Aggression undercuts trust and mutual respect. Others may come to resent you, leading them to avoid or oppose you. Mayo Clinic

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Avoid being passive-aggressive

• Passive-aggressive communication may involve manipulation, dishonesty, sarcasm, sabotage, body language that’s incongruent with words, and outright avoidance of real issues. It’s a way of attempting to make up for feelings of powerlessness over someone else without exhibiting outright aggression. This communication style results in a lack of trust and respect from your peers and colleagues. Lisa Braithwaite
• What are the drawbacks of a passive-aggressive communication style? Over time, passive- aggressive behaviour damages relationships and undercuts mutual respect, making it difficult for you to get your goals and needs met. Mayo Clinic

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A bill of assertive rights

• You have the right to judge your own behaviour, thoughts, and emotions, and to take the responsibility for their initiation and consequences upon yourself. You have the right to offer no reasons or excuses for justifying your behavior. You have the right to judge if you are responsible for finding solutions to other people’s problems. You have the right to change your mind. You have the right to make mistakes—and be responsible for them. You have the right to say, “I don’t know.” You have the right to be independent of the goodwill of others before coping with them. You have the right to be illogical in making decisions. You have the right to say, “I don’t understand.” You have the right to say, “I don’t care.” Source: Manuel J. Smith

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