About Byron Katie

Byron Katie (born 1942) is an American speaker and author who teaches a method of self-inquiry known as “The Work”.  Wikipedia

Connect:   Site   |   Youtube   |   Facebook   |   Amazon


Byron Katie (quotes)

The stories we tell ourselves


We torture ourselves with our stories

  • The whole world is simply our projected story
  • The whole world is simply my story, projected back to me on the screen of my own perception. All of it.
  • The world is nothing but my perception of it. I see only through myself. I hear only through the filter of my story.

Most of the time, our stories revolve around a single theme: This shouldn’t be happening!

  • A story may be about the past, the present, or the future; it may be about what things should be, what they could be, or why they are.
  • Every story is a variation on a single theme: This shouldn’t be happening. I shouldn’t have to experience this. God is unjust. Life isn’t fair.

Most of the time, our stories are untested and uninvestigated

  • Stories are the untested, uninvestigated theories that tell us what all these things mean. We don’t even realize that they’re just theories.

The stories we tell about ourselves are notoriously unreliable …

  • Perhaps the most important revelation is precisely this: that the left cerebral hemisphere of humans is prone to fabricating verbal narratives that do not necessarily accord with the truth. Antonio Damasio (neuroscientist)
  • The left brain weaves its story in order to convince itself and you that it is in full control.… What is so adaptive about having what amounts to a spin doctor in the left brain? The interpreter is really trying to keep our personal story together. To do that, we have to learn to lie to ourselves. Michael Gazzaniga (neuroscientist)

… and just about always lead to suffering

  • All the suffering that goes on inside our minds is not reality. It’s just a story we torture ourselves with.

Our stories lead us away from ourselves

  • The Work always leaves you with less of a story. Who would you be without your story? You never know until you inquire. There is no story that is you or that leads to you. Every story leads away from you. Turn it around; undo it. You are what exists before all stories. You are what remains when the story is understood.

Who would you be without your story?

  • Who would I be without my story? Pain-free, happy, and totally available if someone needs me.
  • The reality is that without a story you’re genderless-not   male, not female, not even human. You’re not anything. It is not anything, it’s more than that. It’s all-inclusive; it doesn’t even question. There are no questions in the void; there is only the experience of it. And not even that.

Without your story, love would flow naturally

  • Love is who we are without our stories.

Stop believing everything you think  


Your world is the projected image of your thoughts

  • When you do The Work, you see who you are by seeing who you think other people are. Eventually you come to see that everything outside you is a reflection of your own thinking. You are the storyteller, the projector of all stories, and the world is the projected image of your thoughts.
  • Everyone is a mirror image of yourself—your own thinking coming back at you.

To change the projected image (the world out there), you need to change the projector (your thoughts)

  • Since the beginning of time, people have been trying to change the world so that they can be happy. This hasn’t ever worked, because it approaches the problem backward. What The Work gives us is a way to change the projector—mind—rather than the projected. It’s like when there’s a piece of lint on a projector’s lens. We think there’s a flaw on the screen, and we try to change this person and that person, whomever the flaw appears on next. But it’s futile to try to change the projected images. Once we realize where the lint is, we can clear the lens itself. This is the end of suffering, and the beginning of a little joy in paradise.

The cause of your problem isn’t out there; it’s in the way you think

  • “As long as you think that the cause of your problem is “out there”—as long as you think that anyone or anything is responsible for your suffering—the situation is hopeless. It means that you are forever in the role of victim, that you’re suffering in paradise.”
  • As you inquire into issues and turn judgments around, you come to see that every perceived problem appearing ‘out there’ is really nothing more than a misperception within your own thinking.

A thought is never personal; only the meaning you attach to it is

  • One day I noticed that I  wasn’t breathing-I was being breathed. Then I also noticed, to my amazement, that I wasn’t thinking-that   I was actually being thought and that thinking isn’t personal.
  • Thoughts are friends, not enemies. They’re just what is. They appear. They’re innocent. We’re not doing them. They’re not personal. They’re like the breeze or the raindrops falling. Thoughts arise like that, and we can make friends with them. Would you argue with a raindrop? Raindrops aren’t personal, and neither are thoughts. It’s the meaning you attach to those thoughts that you think is personal.
  • In my experience, we don’t make thoughts appear, they just appear. One day, I noticed that their appearance just wasn’t personal. Noticing that really makes it simpler to inquire.

Any thought is harmless unless you believe it

  • A thought is harmless unless we believe it. It’s not our thoughts, but our attachment to our thoughts, that causes suffering. Attaching to a thought means believing that it’s true, without inquiring. A belief is a thought that we’ve been attaching to, often for years.
  • Thoughts just appear.  They come out of nothing and go back to nothing,  like clouds moving across the empty sky. They come  to pass, not to stay. There is no harm in them until  we attach to them as if they were true.
  • I don’t let go of my thoughts-I meet them  with understanding, then they let go of me.
  • You’re either attaching to your thoughts or inquiring. There’s no other choice.
  • We don’t attach to people or to things; we attach to uninvestigated concepts that we believe to tbe true in the moment.
  • I love what I think, and I’m never tempted to believe it.
  • There is nothing that isn’t true if you believe it; and nothing is true, believe it or not.

Don’t believe everything you think

  • You don’t have to believe everything your thoughts tell you. Just become familiar with the particular thoughts you use to deprive yourself of happiness. Becoming familiar with your stressful thoughts will show you the way home to everything you need.

When you believe your painful thoughts, you suffer, and when you don’t, you’re free

  • An unquestioned mind is the world of suffering.
  • I discovered that when I believed my thoughts, I suffered, but that when I didn’t believe them, I didn’t suffer, and that this is true for every human being. Freedom is as simple as that. I found that suffering is optional. I found a joy within me that has never disappeared, not for a single moment.
  • I am the perpretor of my suffering – but only all of it.
  • Trauma is nothing more than being stuck in what you believe.

A painful thought is always a sign you’re in a lie

  • It’s good that it hurts. Pain is the signal that you’re confused, that you’re in a lie.  Byron Katie
  • When a thought hurts, that’s the signal that it isn’t  true.
  • Behind every uncomfortable feeling, there’s a thought that isn’t true for us.
  • We’re usually aware of the feeling before the thought.
  • It is easy to be swept away by some overwhelming feeling, so it’s helpful to remember that any stressful feeling is like a compassionate alarm clock that says, “You’re caught in the dream.”

You get to heaven by questioning the thoughts that take you away from it …

  • So, how do you get back to heaven? To begin with, just notice the thoughts that take you away from it. You don’t have to believe everything your thoughts tell you. Just become familiar with the particular thoughts you use to deprive yourself of happiness. It may seem strange at first to get to know yourself in this way, but becoming familiar with your stressful thoughts will show you the way home to everything you need.
  • A mind that doesn’t question its judgements, makes the world very small and dangerous.
  • What we are doing with inquiry is meeting our thoughts with some simple understanding, finally. Pain, anger, and frustration will let us know when it’s time to inquire. We either believe what we think or we question it: there’s no other choice. Questioning our thoughts is the kinder way. Inquiry always leaves us as more loving human beings.

… not by looking outside yourself for distraction from the pain

  • Rather than understand the original cause—a thought—we try to change our stressful feelings by looking outside ourselves. We try to change someone else, or we reach for sex, food, alcohol, drugs, or money in order to find temporary comfort and the illusion of control.

Question your painful thoughts by doing The Work


First complete the judgement worksheet

  • I invite you to be judgmental, harsh, childish, and petty. Write with the spontaneity of a child who is sad, angry, confused, or frightened. Don’t try to be wise, spiritual, or kind.
  1. Who angers or saddens or disappoints you? What is it about them that you didn’t or still don’t like?
  2. How do you want them to change? What do you want them to do?
  3. What is it that they should or shouldn’t do, be, think, or feel?
  4. Do you need anything from them? What do they need to give you or do in order for you to be happy?
  5. What do you think of them? Make a list.
  6. What is it that you don’t ever want to experience with that person, thing, or situation again?
  • What’s the worst that could happen? When your statement is about something that you think you don’t want, read it and imagine the worst outcome that reality could hand you.  When you’ve finished writing, start at the top of your list and apply the four questions and turnaround to each “worst that could happen” statement.
  • What do you think you would have? Another way of prompting yourself is to read your original statement and ask yourself what you think you would have if reality were (in your opinion) fully cooperating with you.
  • What’s the “should”? A useful prompt is to look for a “should” or “shouldn’t” version of your original statement.
  • A powerful way of prompting yourself is to add “and it means that _____” to your original statement.
  • Where’s your proof?  Original Statement: I am saddened by Paul because he doesn’t love me. The proof that Paul doesn’t love me:

Then answer these four questions

  • 1.  Is it true?
  • 2 . Can you absolutely know that it’s true?
  • 3.   How do you react when you believe that thought?
  • 4.   Who would you be without the thought?
  • These four questions will join any program you’ve got and enhance it. Any religion you have — they’ll enhance it. If you have no religion, they will bring you joy. And they’ll burn up anything that isn’t true for you. They’ll burn through to the reality that has always been waiting.
  • Notice that I sometimes ask two subsidiary questions: “Can you see a reason to drop that thought?” and “Can you find one stress-free reason to keep the thought?”

Keep this in mind when asking, “Is it true?”

  • Is it true? Take your time. The Work is about discovering what is true from the deepest part of yourself.
  • If you had to answer honestly either yes or no, right now, and you had to live forever with your answer—your truth or your lie—what would your answer be?
  • We’re terrified to answer the simplest question honestly, because we project what that may mean in the imagined future.

Finally, turn the thoughts around by finding opposites to the statements you wrote

  • Once you’ve walked yourself through the four  questions, turn the thought around by finding opposites to the statement you wrote.
  • To do the turnaround, rewrite your statement. This time, write it as if it were written about you. Where you have written someone’s name, put yourself. Instead of “he” or “she,” put “I.” For example, “Paul should be kind to me” turns around to “I should be kind to myself” and “I should be kind to Paul.” Another type is a 180-degree turnaround to the extreme opposite: “Paul shouldn’t be kind to me.” He shouldn’t be kind, because he isn’t (in my opinion). This isn’t an issue of morality but of what’s actually true.
  • There are three ways to do the turnaround. A judgment can be turned around to yourself, to the other, and to the opposite.
  • Consider whether or not the turned-around statement is as true as or truer than your original statement.
  • The point is not to find the most turnarounds, but to find the ones that bring you the shift to self- realization, the enlightenment that sets you free from the nightmare you’re innocently attached to.
  • Turn the original statement around any way you want to until you find the turnarounds that penetrate the most.
  • How does it apply to you in your life? Own it. If that seems difficult for you, add the word “sometimes” to the turnaround.

Doing the work brings great benefits …

  • When a child gets lost, he may feel sheer terror. It can be just as frightening when you’re lost inside the mind’s chaos. But when you enter The Work, it is possible to find order and to learn the way back home.
  • Question the mind and peace happens
  • A questioned mind is not stuck. It’s free to create.
  • Invite the darkness into the light so you can see it.  And the moment it hits the light, it becomes laughable.
  • Once a painful concept is met with understanding, the next time it appears you may find it interesting. What used to be the nightmare is now just interesting. The next time it appears, you may find it funny. The next time, you may not even notice it. This is the power of loving what is.
  • This internal partnership leaves you clear and free to live as a kind, fluid, fearless, amused listener, a student of yourself, and a friend who can be trusted not to resent, criticize, or hold a grudge.
  • I discover that every single stressful thought in my head is a rope, not a snake like I originally thought.

… including clarity and love

  • The world is as you perceive it to be. For me, clarity is a word for beauty. It’s what I am. And when I’m clear, I see only beauty. Nothing else is possible.
  • Clarity moves much more efficiently than violence or stress.
  • When you investigate your stressful thinking and your mind becomes clear, love pours into you life. And there’s nothing you can do about it.

How do you know when your work is done?

  • When they attack you and you notice that you love them with all your heart, your Work is done.
  • Until you can see everything in the world as your friend, your work is not done.

Embrace reality


Argue with reality and you lose every time

  • And if you’re yelling within  you that he shouldn’t yell at you, that is where the  pain begins, not with his yelling at you. You’re arguing   with reality, and you lose.
  • If you want reality to be different than it is, you might as well try to teach a cat to bark. You can try and try, and in the end the cat will look up at you and say, “Meow.” Wanting reality to be different than it is is hopeless. You can spend the rest of your life trying to teach a cat to bark.
  • If I lose all my money, good. If I get cancer, good. If  my husband leaves me, good. If he stays, that’s good,  too. Who wouldn’t always say yes to reality if that’s  what you’re in love with? What can happen that I  wouldn’t welcome with all my heart?
  • How do I know that the wind should blow? It’s blowing! I realized that it’s insane to oppose it. When I argue with reality, I lose—but only 100% of the time.

Argue with reality and you suffer

  • The only time we suffer is when we believe a thought that argues with what is. When the mind is perfectly clear, what is is what we want.

Stop arguing with reality …

  • You don’t get to vote on what is. Have you noticed?
  • This doesn’t mean that you condone it or approve of it. It just means that you can see things without resistance and without the confusion of your inner struggle.
  • When we stop opposing reality, action becomes simple, fluid, kind, and fearless.
  • The only time we suffer is when we believe a thought that argues with what is. When the mind is perfectly clear, what is is what we want.
  • Which is more empowering?—“I wish I hadn’t lost my job” or “I lost my job; what can I do now?”

… and become a lover of what is

  • I am a lover of what is, and I don’t want  anything else.
  • The more clearly you understand yourself and your emotions, the more you become a lover of what is.  Baruch Spinoza
  • I am a lover of what is, not because I’m a spiritual person, but because it hurts when I argue with reality.

Realise that the world is perfect

  • The world is perfect. As you question your mind, this becomes more and more obvious. Mind changes, and as a result, the world changes. A clear mind heals everything that needs to be healed. It can never be fooled into believing that there is one speck out of order.

Realise that what you need is exactly what you get

  • When you know that  whatever you need is what you get, life becomes paradise. It’s the perfect setup. Everything you need,  and even more than you need, is always supplied, in  abundance.
  • How do  I know that I needed a hit on the head? Because that’s  what happened! No mistake. When you know that  whatever you need is what you get, life becomes paradise. It’s the perfect setup. Everything you need,  and even more than you need, is always supplied, in  abundance.
  • Nothing ever goes wrong in life.

Everything happens for you, not to you, at exactly the right time

  • Life is simple. Everything happens for you, not to you. Everything happens at exactly the right moment, neither too soon nor too late. You don’t have to like it… it’s just easier if you do.  Nothing comes ahead of its time, and nothing ever happened that didn’t need to happen.

What you need is what you already have

  • You’re just suffering from the belief that there’s something missing from your life. In reality, you always  have what you need.
  • All I have is all I need and all I need is all I have in this moment.

Everything is here for the sake of your self realisation and resultant freedom…

  • That’s what every uncomfortable feeling is for—that’s what pain is for, what money is for, what everything in the world is for: your self- realization.
  • There is no thought or situation that you can’t put up against inquiry. Every thought, every person, every apparent problem is here for the sake of your freedom.
  • Self-realization is not complete until it lives in action.
  • Whatever it takes for you to find your freedom, that’s what you’ve lived.
  • When you realize that every stressful moment you experience is a gift that points you to your own freedom, life becomes very kind.
  • Life happens and everything you need to enlighten yourself comes to you through life.

… especially your pain and uncomfortable feelings

  • The pain shows you what’s left to investigate.
  • When you realize that suffering and discomfort are the call to inquiry, you may actually begin to look forward to uncomfortable feelings. You may even experience them as friends coming to show you what you have not yet investigated thoroughly enough.

Drop the illusion of control

  • For people who are tired of the pain, nothing could  be worse than trying to control what can’t be controlled.   If you want real control, drop the illusion  of control; let life have you. It does anyway. You’re  just telling the story about how it doesn’t.

Your relationships point to your freedom  


Your partner is your story and you are your partner’s story

  • My love is my business; it has nothing to do with  you. You love me, and that isn’t personal. You tell the story that I am this, or I am that, and you fall in  love with your story. What do I have to do with it? I am here for your perception, as if I had a choice. I  am your story, no more and no less. You have never  met me. No one has ever met anyone.
  • You don’t  see your partner; you just see what you believe about  him.
  • You can’t love anyone; you only love your story about  them.

Your partner is your mirror and therefore, the perfect teacher …

  • Once we begin to question our thoughts, our partners-alive, dead, or divorced-are always our greatest  teachers. There’s no mistake about the person  you’re with; he or she is the perfect teacher for you, whether or not the relationship works out, and once  you enter inquiry, you come to see that clearly.
  • Your partner is your mirror. Except for the way you  perceive him, he doesn’t even exist for you.
  • Your partner will bring up every concept ever  known to humanity, in every combination, so that  you can come to know yourself.
  • The person you live with is your greatest teacher.  Everything you love in another is what you love in yourself.  Everything you do not love in another is what you do not love in yourself.  So everything you don’t love in another, turn it around and question it.
  • If I don’t like you, I’m thinking about you something that I do not accept in myself.

… for your partner’s flaws are your own

  • There’s never a mistake in the universe. So if your  partner is angry, good. If there are things about him that you consider flaws, good, because these flaws are your own, you’re projecting them, and you can write  them down, inquire, and set yourself free.
  • You don’t  see your partner; you just see what you believe about  him. So when you see him as flawed in any way, you can be sure that that’s where your own flaw is. The  flaws have to be yours, because you’re the one projecting   them.

In any relationship, you’re actually the only one there …

  • You’ve never reacted to someone else. You project  meaning onto nothing. There’s nothing separate out  there. And you react to the meaning you’ve projected.  Loneliness comes from an honest place- you’re the  only one here. There are no humans here. You’re it.  This world doesn’t even exist. When you investigate  your thoughts and stop believing your projections,  you come to realize that. It’s the end of the world.  The end of a world that never existed anyway.

… and there’s only ever one person to change

  • There’s only one person out of order in the whole world: you. That’s good news, because it leaves only one person to change. How convenient!
  • You are your only hope, because we’re not changing until you do. Our job is to keep coming at you, as hard as we can, with everything that angers, upsets, or repulses you, until you understand. We love you that much, whether we’re aware of it or not. The whole world is about you.

Your loved ones point you to your freedom every time

  • People go  to India to find a guru, but you don’t have to: you’re  living with one. Your partner will give you everything  you need for your own freedom.
  • You’re living with God disguised as your husband,  and he will show you all your unclear places; he will  give you everything you need in order to get free.  That’s love. When you see your partner as God, your  Work becomes very simple.
  • Our parents, our children, our spouses, and our friends will continue to press every button we have, until we realize what it is that we don’t want to know about ourselves, yet. They will point us to our freedom every time.

Realise you can never find your completion or happiness in another person

  • We  can never find our completion in another person. It  always comes back to us.
  • There’s only one way  I can use you to complete me, and that is if I judge  you, inquire, and turn it around.
  • Nothing outside you can ever give you what you’re  looking for.
  • People think that relationships will make them  happy, but you can’t get happiness from the other person or from anywhere outside you.
  • Romantic love is the story of how you need another  person to complete you. It’s an absolutely insane story. My experience is that I don’t need anyone to complete me. As soon as I realize that, everyone  completes me.

Hurt feelings or discomfort of any kind cannot be  caused by another person

  • Hurt feelings or discomfort of any kind cannot be  caused by another person. No one outside me can hurt me. That’s not a possibility. It’s only when I  believe a story that I get hurt. And I’m the one who’s hurting me by believing what I think. This is very  good news, because it means that I don’t have to get someone else to stop hurting me. I’m the one who  can stop hurting me. It’s within my power.

Any criticism you receive is an opportunity to look inside and see what comes up

  • If you  say one single thing that I have the urge to defend,  that thing is the very pearl waiting inside me to be  discovered.
  • This is how friends meet. It’s called integrity. I  am all things. If you see me as unkind, that is an opportunity for me to go inside and look at what appears in my life.

Blaming another leaves you powerless

  • Placing the blame or judgment on someone else leaves you powerless to change your experience; taking responsibility for your beliefs and judgments gives you the power to change them.

For another to understand you, you must understand yourself

  • The only possibility of being understood by someone  else is to understand yourself. It’s a full- time job.

Listen to your own advice

  • All the advice you ever gave your partner is for you  to hear.

Let go of your stories around sex

  • If you don’t attach beliefs to it, sex is just like breathing   or walking. It’s beauty; it’s you. But when you  go into it seeking things like satisfaction, ecstasy,  intimacy, connectedness, and romance, don’t count  on finding them.
  • We all have a story about  what sex is. You’re trying to get it to match your story  about it: Without   your story, you would have sex and love it, or not  have sex and love it. It would just be what it is.
  • The truth is that it’s God making love with God, and  there are no rules. And if you want to participate, be  fully present.

More thoughts on relationships

  • It only takes one clear person to have a good relationship.
  • It doesn’t take two people to have a happy marriage. It only takes one.
  • Nothing can cost you someone you love. The only thing that can cost you your husband is if you believe a thought. That’s how you move away from him. That’s how the marriage ends. You are one with your husband until you believe the thought that he should look a certain way, he should give you something, he should be something other than what he is. That’s how you divorce him. Right then and there you have lost your marriage.
  • The two biggest fallacies. I can manipulate you to love me. If you love me, you’ll do what I want.
  • The only way I can be angry at you is when I have thought, said, or done something that is unkind in my own opinion.
  • Until you are loyal to yourself, you can’t be loyal to  another person.
  • When you own your share in something that your  partner did to you, it’s the sweetest thing in the world.  You just feel humility, without the slightest urge to  defend yourself. It leaves you completely vulnerable. This is the kind of vulnerability you want to lick off  the pavement, it’s so delicious.
  • When  someone is hurting, why would they want you to be  hurting, too? Wouldn’t they rather have you totally  present and available?
  • How do you know that you don’t need a romantic  partner? You don’t have one. How do you know that you need one? Here he is!
  • Anytime you find yourself wanting sympathy, you’re  trying to get someone to join you in your mythology.  And it always hurts.

Mind your own business


Much of our stress comes from mentally living out of our own business

  • I can find only three kinds of business in the universe: mine, yours, and God’s. (For me, the word God means “reality.”
  • Being mentally in your business keeps me from being present in my own. I am separate from myself, wondering why my life doesn’t work.
  • To think that I know what’s best for anyone else is to be out of my business. Even in the name of love, it is pure arrogance, and the result is tension, anxiety, and fear. Do I know what’s right for me? That is my only business. Let me work with that before I try to solve problems for you.

The next time you’re feeling stress, ask yourself whose business you’re in

  • The next time you’re feeling stress or discomfort, ask yourself whose business you’re in mentally, and you may burst out laughing!

Let go of your need for external approval


When you seek approval from someone, you’re tying to make them love a facade

  • How do you react when you think you need people’s love? Do you become a slave for their approval? Do you live an inauthentic life because you can’t bear the thought that they might disapprove of you? Do you try to figure out how they would like you to be, and then try to become that, like a chameleon?
  • In fact, you never really get their love. You turn into someone you aren’t, and then when they say “I love you,” you can’t believe it, because they’re loving a facade. They’re loving someone who doesn’t even exist, the person you’re pretending to be. It’s difficult to seek other people’s love. It’s deadly. In seeking it, you lose what is genuine. This is the prison we create for ourselves as we seek what we already have.
  • If I believe I need you approval, then I begin to say the things that I think you want me to say and I begin to do the things that I think you want me to do. I turn into someone I’m not. So when you say, “I approve of you, you’re wonderful”, I can never believe you because you are approving of someone that doesn’t exist and I know that.
  • How do I react when I believe I need your approval?  I compliment you when I think I don’t mean it. I exaggerate about my life so you’ll find me attractive or interesting. I say what I think you want to hear. And I agree with you when I don’t agree. I begin to lie in fact. I pretend I’m interested when maybe my mind is 1000 miles away. I smile as though I’m very connected to you. Whatever it takes to manipulate your approval. Whatever facade it takes, I turn into that facade.

To seek love and approval assumes you aren’t whole

  • When you believe the thought that anyone should  love you, that’s where the pain begins. I often say, “If  I had a prayer, it would be: ‘God spare me from the  desire for love, approval, or appreciation. Amen.”‘  To seek people’s love and approval assumes that you aren’t whole.

When someone says they approve of you, can can never know if it’s true

  • If you say you approve of me, I can never know if it’s true.
  • I can never know if I have your approval or not, even if you tell me you approve of me.
  • Until we approve of us, we can never buy that someone approves of us.  We can agree that that’s their opinion of us, but what what they’re really experiencing, we can never know.

Seeking approval puts your happiness in another’s hands

  • Seeking approval is one of the main way people lose the awareness of it. Seeking is always stressful. It puts your happiness in other people’s hands. When you question the thoughts that cause your seeking, like “My mother doesn’t love me.” or “I should be thinner,” you begin to find your own approval. It just appears. And when you have that awareness, it’s easy to approve of other people. This is the way to be truly happy.  We are 100% responsible for our own happiness. This is very good news!
  • Wanting another’s approval makes you their hostage. It puts your happiness in their hands.  The truth is you are 100% responsible for your own happiness. When you approve of yourself, you are free. If others approve of you, isn’t that also wonderful. And if they don’t approve of you, that’s good too. It doesn’t need to effect your life. Everyone is entitled to their own opinion and how they see things. Have you noticed, people do see things the way that they see things?

Spare yourself from seeking love, approval, or appreciation from anyone …

  • I don’t want people’s approval. I want people to  think the way they think. That’s love. Manipulating and trying to change someone is like trying to  rape his mind. “You there! Stop your internal life  and focus over here, on me!
  • You  can’t control someone else’s thinking. You can’t  even control your own. There’s no one thinking anyway. It’s a house of mirrors. Seeking approval  means being stuck in the thought “I’m a this,” this little speck, this limited thing.
  • Spare yourself from seeking love, approval, or appreciation—from anyone. And watch what happens in reality, just for fun.

… except your own

  • But if I needed something from him, if I wanted his approval, that would be another  story. So I turn it around-I want my approval. And if  I sold out for approval, it wouldn’t feel honest inside  me; there would be no peace.
  • Your thinking about what she was thinking  about you was your hell. You had to puff yourself up  to match all your beliefs about what you thought she  was thinking; you had to be the Marlboro man. And  when she had sex with you, you saw that as validation   that your delusion was right.

When you stop seeking approval, you start to gain your own approval

  • When you stop seeking approval from elsewhere, you start gaining your own approval. You begin to like yourself.
  • Do I approve of me and do I approve of you?  That’s my work. Not do you approve of me?

When you stop seeking approval, you become a student

  • When you stop seeking approval, you become a student. You’re open.
  • It’s very powerful in life not to have approval because it takes me back to myself. Often when people don’t approve of me, I’ve done something that I don’t approve of either. And I’m always grateful when people wake me up to what is not kind. Any time I live out of a sense of unkindness, then I feel that. It doesn’t feel like balance.
  • Who would I be without the thought I need you approval? A listener.  A student. Open. Learning. Growing. Approving of myself. Approving of you. Doing my work.  Grateful.
  • When you act like a teacher, it’s usually because you’re afraid to be the student.

A dishonest yes is a no to yourself

  • The voice within is what I’m married to.  All marriage is a metaphor for that marriage.  My lover is the place inside me where an honest yes and no come from.  That’s my true partner.  It’s always there.  And to tell you yes when my integrity says no is to divorce that partner.

Rejection is never personal


You rejecting me has nothing to do with me

  • What is an example that will prove that you aren’t  lovable? Rejection? If someone rejects you- and  he could only do that because you don’t match his  beliefs about how he wants the world to be-it has nothing to do with you. Only an inflated ego could say that it had anything to do with you.
  • If someone rejects you- and  he could only do that because you don’t match his  beliefs about how he wants the world to be-it has nothing to do with you. Only an inflated ego could say that it had anything to do with you.

Why seek love when you are love?  


Love wants for another what they want

  • I want my husband to want  what he wants. And I also notice that I don’t have a  choice. That’s self- love. He does what he does, and I love that. That’s what I want, because when I’m at  war with reality, it hurts.
  • If I want something from my partner, I simply ask. If he says no and I have a problem with that, I need to take a look at my thinking because I already have everything.  We all do.  That’s how I can sit here so comfortably.  I don’t want anything from you that you don’t want to give.  I don’t even want your freedom if you don’t.  I don’t even want your peace.

Love says you’re fine the way you are

  • Love says, “I love you no matter what.” Love says,  “You’re fine the way you are.” And that is the only thing that can heal; that is the only way you can join.  If you think he’s supposed to be different from what  he is, you don’t love him. In that moment you love  who he’s going to be when you’re through manipulating   him. He is a throwaway until he matches your  image of him.

Love embraces everything and excludes nothing

  • Love wouldn’t deny a breath. It wouldn’t deny a  grain of sand or a speck of dust. It is totally in love with itself; and it delights in acknowledging itself  through its own presence, in every way, without limit. It embraces it all, everything from the murderer  and the rapist to the saint to the dog and cat. Love  is so vast within itself that it will burn you up. It’s so vast that there’s nothing you can do with it. All you  can do is be it.
  • To exclude anything that appears in your universe  is not love. Love joins with everything. It doesn’t exclude the monster. It doesn’t avoid the nightmare-it   looks forward to it.

Love never fears

  • If you act from fear, there’s no  way you can receive love, because you’re trapped in  a thought about what you have to do for love. Every  stressful thought separates you from people.

Love is clear

  • When you investigate your stressful thinking and your mind becomes clear, love pours into you life. And there’s nothing you can do about it.

Most of all, love seeks nothing and has no motive

  • Personalities don’t love; they want something. Love  doesn’t seek anything. It’s already complete. It doesn’t  want, doesn’t need, has no shoulds (not even for the  person’s own good). So when I hear people say that  they love someone and want to be loved in return, I  know they’re not talking about love. They’re talking  about something else.
  • You love yourself totally, and  she doesn’t have to participate, so there is no motive  in “I love you.” Without a motive, the pain disappears.
  • When you keep manipulating your partner to get her  to love you, everything you do has that motive, even  when you take her out to dinner. It’s very painful.
  • If I want love, I can’t have it. I am love, and as long as  I seek it from you, I can’t know that. To love you is to  separate. I am love, and that is as close as it can get.
  • Personalities don’t  love, they want something.
  • Love is what you are already. Love doesn’t seek anything. It is already complete. It doesn’t want. It doesn’t need. Has no shoulds. It already has everything it wants. It already is everthing is wants. Just the way it wants it.
  • If you say you want to love and be loved in return, you’re not talking about love but something else.

Seeking love is stressful

  • Thinking you need someone’s love is very stressful. When you don’t have it, you suffer. And when you do have it, you want more of it. Or you’re afraid that you’ll lose it.

Seeking love keeps you from the awareness that you are love

  • Seeking love is how you lose the awareness of love.  But you can only lose the awareness of it, not the  state. That is not an option, because love is what we  all are. That’s immovable.
  • You don’t need the love of anyone in particular because you can feel love all the time, with or without another person.  That is the awareness of love itself. You can’t lose love itself. You can only lose the awareness of it.

It’s not anyone’s job to love you but your own

  • You can’t make yourself love someone.  But when you come to love yourself, you automatically   love the other person. You can’t not.
  • It’s not your job to love me-it’s mine.
  • Love can’t come from “out there”; it  can only come from inside you.
  • Do you want to meet the love of your life? Look in  the mirror.
  • It’s not your job to like me – it’s mine.

The only thing that  keeps you from being love is a stressful thought

  • The only obstacles between me and you are the thoughts I’m believing about you. When I question those thoughts, the obstacle drops. I love you.
  • Love is not a doing.  There is nothing you have to do. And when you question our mind, you can see that the only thing that  keeps you from being love is a stressful thought.

When you become love, love begins to pour into your life

  • We are truly fulfilled when we find love itself. Becoming a loving human being is the greatest happiness on earth. The funny thing is that when we become loving human beings, love begins to pour into our lives. Love attracts love.
  • When you become a loving human being, that is to say when you become who you are, it’s easy to find the perfect partner or to recognise the one you have is the perfect one for you or to enjoy being alone.

The answer is in you and you are your own teacher

  • Anything you want to ask a teacher, ask yourself, and wait for the answer in silence.
  • The teacher you need is the person you’re living with.
  • Be still. If you really want to know the truth, the answer will rise to meet the question.

Peace starts with you and can only be found within

  • We’ve been looking outside us for our own peace. We’ve been looking in the wrong direction.
  • A teacher of fear can’t bring peace on Earth. We have been trying to do it that way for thousands of years. The person who turns inner violence around, the person who finds peace inside and lives it, is the one who teaches what true peace is. We are waiting for just one teacher. You’re the one.
  • Peace doesn’t require two people; it requires only one. It has to be you. The problem begins and ends there.

When you’re at war with your mind, you’re at war with the world

  • As long as we’re at war with our own minds, we are at war with the world and with the whole human race. Because as long as we want to get rid of our thoughts, anyone that we meet is likely to become an enemy. There is only one mind, and people are going to tell us what we haven’t dealt with yet in their own thinking. You’re fat. You’re stupid. You’re not good enough.’ If you are an enemy to your own mind, other people have to become enemies too,  sooner or later. Until you understand, until you can love the thoughts that appear  in your mind, then you can love the rest of us. You work with the projector  -the mind – not the projected world.  I can’t really love you until I question the mind that thinks it sees you outside itself . . .

Miss this moment, and you miss life

  • The miracle of love comes to you in the presence of the uninterpreted moment. If you are mentally somewhere else, you miss real life.

To commit is to follow through and to reserve the right to change your mind

  • When I commit to something,   I follow it through, and I reserve the right to  change my mind.
  • Commitment is a wonderful path. It happens one  moment at a time. I promise in one moment, and then in another moment I may change my mind. I  keep my word until I don’t. And

Death is a projection

  • Death is a projection, nothing more than the mind projecting life as death. For example, “If I die I’m going to hell.”  When we look at our lives, what is suffering but hell?  And also, “God will be displeased.”  God will be displeased, turned around, is “I am displeased.” What have I done that I’m displeased about? Let me look to that. I am the judge here that has been causing the guilt and pain. As you look at death, you’ll see it’s all about life as you’ve understood it to be.  You not only project your future as your past, you also project your death.


  1.  Is it true? 2. Can you absolutely know that it’s true? 3. How do you react when you believe that thought? 4. Who would you be without the thought?
  • Whose business are you in?
  • Who would you be without your story?

More thoughts

  • The worst loss you’ve ever experienced is the greatest  gift you can have.
  • I am always what I judge you to be in the moment.  There’s no exception. I am my own pain. I am my own happiness.
  • The thing you’re terrified of losing-you’ve already  lost it. You may not have noticed that yet, and it may take you a while to grieve, and then you may realize  that there was never anything to lose.
  • You’re going to make the trip either way. The  question is, how are you going to do it? Are you going to go kicking and screaming; or are you going to go  with dignity, generosity, and peace?
  • The difference between pleasure and joy? Ohh …  the distance is from here to the moon! From here to another galaxy! Pleasure is an attempt to fill yourself.  Joy is what you are.
  • Bodies don’t think, care, or have any problem with  themselves. They never beat themselves up or shame  themselves. They simply try to keep themselves balanced   and healthy. They’re entirely efficient, intelligent,   kind, and resourceful. Where there’s no thought,  there’s no problem. It’s the story we believe-prior to  doing inquiry-  that leaves us confused. I tell the  story of my body, and because I haven’t inquired, I  believe that my body is the problem and that if only this or that changed, I’d be happy. But my suffering  can’t be my body’s fault.
  • So there’s only transcendence in the moment. Nobody can be transcended forever. That’s why I say, “Who cares if you’re enlightened forever?”
  • The greatest stock market you can invest in is yourself. Finding this truth is better than finding a gold mine.
  • We never receive more than we can handle, and there is always just one thing to do.
  • When I walk into a room, I know that everyone in it loves me. I just don’t expect them to realize it yet.
  • When we try to be safe, we live our lives  being very, very careful; and we wind up having no lives. I like to say, “Don’t be careful; you could hurt  yourself.”
  • When you say or do anything to please, get, keep, influence, or control anyone or anything, fear is the cause and pain is the result.
  • You move totally away from reality when you believe that there is a legitimate reason to suffer.
  • You’re never given more pain than you can handle. You never, ever get more than you can take.
  • We are entering the dimension where we have control—the inside.
  • Being present means living without control and always having your needs met.
  • The mind’s job is to validate what it thinks.
  • Maybe everything we’ve ever done has been for love.
  • When we look at our lives, we can see that our past is projected as a future. There’s no way to have a future other than to project an unquestioned past.
  • With the work it’s not really people you’re dealing with but concepts. Any person, if there is some judgement, will do.
  • In what way is it truer and kinder not to need you approval? 1. You’re free to do and say anthing you want without my interruptions or interjections.  2. I don’t need to manipulate you.  3. I find my own approval and that’s really what I’ve been looking for all along and I didn’t even recognise it.
  • When life is so good that you are postive it cannot possibly get any better, the law is that is has to. And that’s the way of it.
0 replies

Leave a Reply

Want to join the discussion?
Feel free to contribute!

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *