George Carlin (quotes)

Always do whatever’s next.
Meow” means “woof” in cat.
Life is tough, then you die.
Religion is just mind control.
George Carlin, Brain Droppings
We are a nation of sheep, and
Religion is just mind control.
George Carlin, Brain Droppings
George Carlin, Brain Droppings
Teach them to question everything.
Is there another word for synonym?
Everyone smiles in the same language.
Teach them to question what they read.
Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
Don’t just teach your children to read…
I think I am, therefore, I am… I think.
Bullshit is truly the American soundtrack.
Bulls**t is truly the American soundtrack.”
The planet is fine. The people are fucked.
It’s never just a game when you’re winning.
Would a fly without wings be called a walk?
What if there were no hypothetical questions?
your soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck.
America, America, man sheds his waste on thee,
Electricity is really just organized lightning
One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.
Frisbeetarianism is the belief that when you die,
Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity.
Oh Beautiful for smoggy skies, insecticided grain,
I have lots of ideas. Trouble is, most of them suck.
If it requires a uniform, it’s a worthless endeavor.
If you try to fail, and succeed, what have you done?
Careful, if you think too much, they’ll take you away.
Men are from Earth, women are from Earth. Deal with it.
How can He be perfect? Everything He ever makes…dies.
Catholic, which I was until I reached the age of reason
We are a nation of sheep, and someone else owns the grass.
By and large, language is a tool for concealing the truth.
For strip-mined mountain’s majesty above the asphalt plain.
In America, anyone can become president. That’s the problem.
Scratch any cynic and you will find a disappointed idealist.
Just when I discovered the meaning of life, they changed it.
Laugh often, long and loud. Laugh until you gasp for breath.
If we could only find out who’s in charge, we could kill him.
Scratch any cynic and you will find a disappointed idealist.
Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups
Don’t sweat the petty things and don’t let the sweaty things.
Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups.
And hides the pines with billboard signs, from sea to oily sea.
The only good thing ever to come out of religion was the music.
I don’t have pet peeves – I have major psychotic fucking hatreds.
Isn’t it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do “practice”?
Religion has what is EASILY the greatest bullshit story of all time.
There are nights when the wolves are silent and only the moon howls.
If your kid needs a role model and you ain’t it, you’re both fucked.
Physical properties like position don’t exist until they’re measured.
It’s important in life if you don’t give a shit. It can help you a lot.
There’s a humorous side to every situation. The challenge is to find it.
Let a smile be your umbrella, and you’ll end up with a face full of rain.
Conservatives want live babies so they can train them to be dead soldiers.
If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhea…does that mean that 1 enjoys it?
There’s no present. There’s only the immediate future and the recent past.
The caterpillar does all the work, but the butterfly gets all the publicity.
Don’t give your money to the church. They should be giving their money to you.
A house is just a place to keep your stuff while you go out and get more stuff.
I hate Dr Phil. Dr Phil told me to express my feelings, so I’m expressing them.
Bipartisan’ usually means that a larger-than-usual deception is being carried out.
Just cause you got the monkey off your back doesn’t mean the circus has left town.
If no one knows when a person is going to die, how can we say he died prematurely?
Life gets really simple once you cut out all the bulls**t they teach you in school.
How come when it’s us, it’s an abortion, and when it’s a chicken, it’s an omelette?
The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.
People who see life as anything more than pure entertainment are missing the point.
Life gets really simple once you cut out all the bull shit they teach you in school.
Avoid teams at all cost. Keep your circle small. Never join a group that has a name.
Some people have no idea what they’re doing, and a lot of them are really good at it.
I have as much authority as the Pope. I just don’t have as many people who believe it.
Once you leave out all the bullshit they teach you in school, life gets really simple.
If you have selfish, ignorant citizens, you’re going to have selfish, ignorant leaders.
That’s why they call it the American Dream, because you have to be asleep to believe it.
Regarding the fitness craze: America has lost its soul; now it’s trying to save its body.
Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.
I stopped worrying about all this temporal bullshit a long time ago. It’s meaningless.
Most people work just hard enough not to get fired and get paid just enough money not to quit.
Life is not measured by the breathes you take, but by the moments that take your breathe away.
Isn’t making a smoking section in a restaurant like making a peeing section in a swimming pool?
Religion is like a pair of shoes: Find one that fits for you, but don’t make me wear your shoes.
I would never want to be a member of a group whose symbol was a man nailed to two pieces of wood.
Well, if crime fighters fight crime and fire fighters fight fires, what do freedom fighters fight?”
I think it’s the duty of the comedian to find out where the line is drawn and cross it deliberately.
Never argue with an idiot. They will only bring you down to their level and beat you with experience.
War is rich old men protecting their property by sending middle class and lower class men off to die.
Never argue with an idiot. They will only bring you down to their level and beat you with experience.
Weather forecast for tonight: dark. Continued dark overnight, with widely scattered light by morning.
Never let the brain idle. ‘An idle mind is the devil’s workshop.’ And the devil’s name is Alzheimer’s.
If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?
The IQ and the life expectancy of the average American recently passed each other in opposite directions.
People always tell me “Have a nice day.” Well what if I don’t want to? What if I want to have a crappy day?
I like it when a flower or a little tuft of grass grows through a crack in the concrete. It’s so f**kin’ heroic.
Don’t just teach your children to read. Teach them to question what they read. Teach them to question everything.
When someone asks you, A penny for your thoughts, and you put your two cents in, what happens to the other penny?
I am” is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language. Could it be that “I do” is the longest sentence?
Some people see the glass half full. Others see it half empty. I see a glass that’s twice as big as it needs to be.
I think people should be allowed to do what they want. We haven’t tried that for a while. Maybe this time it’ll work.
Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?
Ever wonder about those people who spend $2 apiece on those little bottles of Evian water? Try spelling Evian backward.
Trying to be happy by accumulating possessions is like trying to satisfy hunger by taping sandwiches all over your body.
The Christians gave Him Sunday, the Jews gave Him Saturday, and the Muslims gave Him Friday. God has a three-day weekend.
I think everyone should treat one another in a Christian manner. I will not, however, be responsible for the consequences.
If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn’t it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted?
If the black box flight recorder is never damaged during a plane crash, why isn’t the whole airplane made out of that stuff?
When you’re born into this world, you’re given a ticket to the freak show. If you’re born in America you get a front row seat.
People who say they don’t care what people think are usually desperate to have people think they don’t care what people think.
When you’re born into this world, you’re given a ticket to the freak show. If you’re born in America you get a front row seat.”
I wanna live. I don’t wanna die. That’s the whole meaning of life: Not dying! I figured that shit out by myself in the third grade
He – and if there is a God, I am convinced he is a he, because no woman could or would ever fuck things up this badly. George Carlin
Honesty may be the best policy, but it’s important to remember that apparently, by elimination, dishonesty is the second-best policy.
I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, ‘Where’s the self-help section?’ She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
I thought about how mothers feed their babies with tiny little spoons and forks so I wondered, what do Chinese mothers use? Toothpicks?
If it’s true that our species is alone in the universe, then I’d have to say the universe aimed rather low and settled for very little.
I do this real moron thing, and it’s called thinking. And apparently I’m not a very good American because I like to form my own opinions.
So, next time you see someone sleeping, make believe you’re in a science fiction movie. And whisper, ‘The creature is regenerating itself.
Me, I’m still waitin’ for Hurricane Ed. Old Ed wouldn’t hurt ya, would he? Sounds kinda friendly. ‘Hell no, we ain’t evacuatin’. Ed’s comin’!
Here’s all you have to know about men and women: women are crazy, men are stupid. And the main reason women are crazy is that men are stupid.”
Some national parks have long waiting lists for camping reservations. When you have to wait a year to sleep next to a tree, something is wrong.”
When fascism comes to America, it will not be in brown and black shirts. It will not be with jack-boots. It will be Nike sneakers and Smiley shirts.
I was thinking about how people seem to read the bible a lot more as they get older, and then it dawned on me—they’re cramming for their final exam.
Although I broke a lot of laws as a teenager, I straightened out immediately upon turning eighteen, when I realized the state had a legal right to execute me.
You show me a lazy p***k who’s lying in bed all day, watching TV, only occasionally getting up to p**s, and I’ll show you a guy who’s not causing any trouble.
But He loves you. He loves you, and He needs money! He always needs money! He’s all-powerful, all-perfect, all-knowing, and all-wise, somehow just can’t handle money!
I’m completely in favor of the separation of Church and State. … These two institutions screw us up enough on their own, so both of them together is certain death.
If you didn’t know what sleep was, and you had only seen it in a science fiction movie, you would think it was weird and tell all your friends about the movie you’d seen.
Some people see things that are and ask, Why? Some people dream of things that never were and ask, Why not? Some people have to go to work and don’t have time for all that.
Some people see things that are and ask, ‘Why?’ Some people dream of things that never were and ask, ‘Why not?’ Some people have to go to work and don’t have time for all that.
Tell people there’s an invisible man in the sky who created the universe, and the vast majority will believe you. Tell them the paint is wet, and they have to touch it to be sure.
Capitalism tries for a delicate balance: It attempts to work things out so that everyone gets just enough stuff to keep them from getting violent and trying to take other people’s stuff.
There are women named Faith, Hope, Joy, and Prudence. Why not Despair, Guilt, Rage, and Grief? It seems only right. ‘Tom, I’d like you to meet the girl of my dreams, Tragedy.’ These days, Trajedi.
Conservatives say if you don’t give the rich more money, they will lose their incentive to invest. As for the poor, they tell us they’ve lost all incentive because we’ve given them too much money.”
We have multiplied our possessions but reduced our values. We talk too much, love too seldom, and hate too often. We’ve learned how to make a living but not a life. We’ve added years to life, not life to years.
It was my uncle who taught me about the birds and the bees. He sat me down one day and said, ‘Remember this, George, the birds fuck the bees.’ Then he told me he once banged a girl so hard her freckles came off.
I often warn people: “Somewhere along the way, someone is going to tell you, ‘There is no “I” in team.’ What you should tell them is, ‘Maybe not. But there is an “I” in independence, individuality and integrity.
So I say, “Live and let live.” That’s my motto. “Live and let live.” And anyone who can’t go along with that, take him outside and shoot the motherfucker. It’s a simple philosophy, but it’s always worked in our family.
People love to admit they have bad handwriting or that they can’t do math. And they will readily admit to being awkward: ‘I’m such a klutz!’ But they will never admit to having a poor sense of humor or being a bad driver.
The worst thing about e-mail is that you can’t interrupt the other person. You have to read the whole thing and then e-mail them back, pointing out all their mistakes and faulty assumptions. It’s frustrating and it’s time-consuming. God bless phone calls.

Here’s a phrase that apparently the airlines simply made up: near miss. They say that if 2 planes almost collide, it’s a near miss. Bullshit, my friend. It’s a near hit! A collision is a near miss. WHAM! CRUNCH! “Look, they nearly missed!” “Yes, but not quite.”
I figured out years ago that the human species is totally fucked and has been for a long time. I also know that the sick, media-consumer culture in America continues to make this so-called problem worse. But the trick, folks, is not to give a fuck. Like me. I really don’t
Pride should be reserved for something you achieve or obtain on your own, not something that happens by accident of birth. Being Irish isn’t a skill… it’s a fucking genetic accident. You wouldn’t say I’m proud to be 5’11”; I’m proud to have a pre-disposition for colon cancer.
[On school uniforms] Don’t these schools do enough damage making all these kids think alike, now they have to make them look alike too? It’s not a new idea, either. I first saw it in old newsreels from the 1930s, but it was hard to understand because the narration was in German.
I tried to believe that there is a God, who created each of us in His own image and likeness, loves us very much, and keeps a close eye on things. I really tried to believe that, but I gotta tell you, the longer you live, the more you look around, the more you realize, something is fucked up.
People say, ‘I’m going to sleep now,’ as if it were nothing. But it’s really a bizarre activity. ‘For the next several hours, while the sun is gone, I’m going to become unconscious, temporarily losing command over everything I know and understand. When the sun returns, I will resume my life.’
No woman could or would ever fuck things up like this. So, if there is a God, I think most reasonable people might agree that he’s at least incompetent, and maybe, just maybe, doesn’t give a shit. Doesn’t give a shit, which I admire in a person, and which would explain a lot of these bad results.
Do you know why hurricanes have names instead of numbers? To keep the killing personal. No one cares about a bunch of people killed by a number. ‘200 Dead as Number Three Slams Ashore’ is not nearly as interesting a headline as ‘Charlie kills 200.’ Death is much more satisfying and entertaining if you personalize it.
No matter how you care to define it, I do not identify with the local group. Planet, species, race, nation, state, religion, party, union, club, association, neighborhood improvement committee; I have no interest in any of it. I love and treasure individuals as I meet them, I loathe and despise the groups they identify with and belong to.
The violence of the Left is symbolic, the injuries are not intended. The violence of the Right is real – directed at people, designed to cause injuries. Vietnam, nuclear weapons, police out of control are intentional forms of violence. The violence from the Right is aimed directly at people and the violence from the Left is aimed at institutions and symbols.
To my way of thinking, there is every bit as much evidence for the existence of UFOs as there is for the existence of God. Probably far more. At least in the case of UFOs there have been countless taped and filmed and, by the way, unexplained sightings from all over the world, along with documented radar evidence seen by experienced military and civilian radar operators.
It turned out I was pretty good in science. But again, because of the small budget, in science class we couldn’t afford to do experiments in order to prove theories. We just believed everything. Actually, I think that class was called Religion. Religion class was always an easy class. All you had to do was suspend the logic and reasoning you were being taught in all the other classes.
People are wonderful. I love individuals. I hate groups of people. I hate a group of people with a ‘common purpose’. ‘Cause pretty soon they have little hats. And armbands. And fight songs. And a list of people they’re going to visit at 3am. So, I dislike and despise groups of people but I love individuals. Every person you look at; you can see the universe in their eyes, if you’re really looking.
People can’t seem to get it through their heads that there is never any healing or closure. Ever. There is only a short pause before the next “horrifying” event. People forget there is such a thing as memory, and that when a wound “heals” it leaves a permanent scar that never goes away, but merely fades a little. What really ought to be said after one of these so-called tragedies is, “Let the scarring begin.
And here’s something else, another problem you might have: Suppose your prayers aren’t answered. What do you say? “Well, it’s God’s will.” “Thy Will Be Done.” Fine, but if it’s God’s will, and He’s going to do what He wants to anyway, why the fuck bother praying in the first place? Seems like a big waste of time to me! Couldn’t you just skip the praying part and go right to His Will? It’s all very confusing.
I noticed that all the prayers I used to offer to God, and all the prayers I now offer to Joe Pesci, are being answered at about the same fifty percent rate. Half the time I get what I want, half the time I don’t…Same as the four-leaf clover and the horseshoe…same as the voodoo lady who tells you your fortune by squeezing the goat’s testicles. It’s all the same…so just pick your superstition, sit back, make a wish, and enjoy yourself…
But when you’re in front of an audience and you make them laugh at a new idea, you’re guiding the whole being for the moment. No one is ever more him/herself than when they really laugh. Their defenses are down. It’s very Zen-like, that moment. They are completely open, completely themselves when that message hits the brain and the laugh begins. That’s when new ideas can be implanted. If a new idea slips in at that moment, it has a chance to grow.
Religion has actually convinced people that there’s an invisible man living in the sky who watches everything you do, every minute of every day. And the invisible man has a special list of ten things he does not want you to do. And if you do any of these ten things, he has a special place, full of fire and smoke and burning and torture and anguish, where he will send you to live and suffer and burn and choke and scream and cry forever and ever ’til the end of time!
I’ve begun worshipping the sun for a number of reasons. First of all, unlike some other gods I could mention, I can see the sun. It’s there for me every day. And the things it brings me are quite apparent all the time: heat, light, food, and a lovely day. There’s no mystery, no one asks for money, I don’t have to dress up, and there’s no boring pageantry. And interestingly enough, I have found that the prayers I offer to the sun and the prayers I formerly offered to ‘God’ are all answered at about the same 50% rate.
The decay and disintegration of this culture is astonishingly amusing if you are emotionally detached from it. I have always viewed it from a safe distance, knowing I don’t belong; it doesn’t include me, and it never has. no matter how you care to define it, I do not identify with the local group. Planet, species, race, nation, state, religion, party, union, club, association, neighborhood improvement committee; I have no interest in any of it. I love and treasure individuals as I meet them, I loathe and despise the groups they identify with and belong to.
Something is wrong here. War, disease, death, destruction, hunger, filth, poverty, torture, crime, corruption, and the Ice Capades. Something is definitely wrong. This is not good work. If this is the best God can do, I am not impressed. Results like these do not belong on the résumé of a Supreme Being. This is the kind of shit you’d expect from an office temp with a bad attitude. And just between you and me, in any decently-run universe, this guy would’ve been out on his all-powerful ass a long time ago. And by the way, I say “this guy”, because I firmly believe, looking at these results, that if there is a God, it has to be a man.
They had these people, you know? And they would walk around all day and be OK? And then, once a day, usually after dark, they would lie down on these special platforms and become unconscious. They would stop functioning almost completely, except deep in their minds they would have adventures and experiences that were completely impossible in real life. As they lay there, completely vulnerable to their enemies, their only movements were to occasionally shift from one position to another; or, if one of the ‘mind adventures’ got too real, they would sit up and scream and be glad they weren’t unconscious anymore. Then they would drink a lot of coffee.’
I don’t like ass kissers, flag wavers or team players. I like people who buck the system. Individualists. I often warn people: “Somewhere along the way, someone is going to tell you, ‘There is no “I” in team.’ What you should tell them is, ‘Maybe not. But there is an “I” in independence, individuality and integrity.'” Avoid teams at all cost. Keep your circle small. Never join a group that has a name. If they say, “We’re the So-and-Sos,” take a walk. And if, somehow, you must join, if it’s unavoidable, such as a union or a trade association, go ahead and join. But don’t participate; it will be your death. And if they tell you you’re not a team player, congratulate them on being observant.
The most unfair thing about life is the way it ends. I mean, life is tough. It takes up a lot of your time. What do you get at the end of it? A Death! What’s that, a bonus? I think the life cycle is all backwards. You should die first, get it out of the way. Then you live in an old age home. You get kicked out when you’re too young, you get a gold watch, you go to work. You work forty years until you’re young enough to enjoy your retirement. You do drugs, alcohol, you party, you get ready for high school. You go to grade school, you become a kid, you play, you have no responsibilities, you become a little baby, you go back into the womb, you spend your last nine months floating …and you finish off as an orgasm.
The planet will be here for a long, long, LONG time after we’re gone, and it will heal itself, it will cleanse itself, ’cause that’s what it does. It’s a self-correcting system. The air and the water will recover, the earth will be renewed. And if it’s true that plastic is not degradable, well, the planet will simply incorporate plastic into a new paradigm: the earth plus plastic. The earth doesn’t share our prejudice toward plastic. Plastic came out of the earth. The earth probably sees plastic as just another one of its children. Could be the only reason the earth allowed us to be spawned from it in the first place. It wanted plastic for itself. Didn’t know how to make it. Needed us. Could be the answer to our age-old egocentric philosophical question, “Why are we here?” Plastic, asshole.
Forget the politicians. The politicians are put there to give you the idea you have freedom of choice. You don’t. You have no choice. You have owners. They own you. They own everything. They own all the important land, they own and control the corporations that’ve long since bought and paid for, the senate, the congress, the state houses, the city halls, they got the judges in their back pocket, and they own all the big media companies so they control just about all of the news and the information you get to hear. They got you by the balls. They spend billions of dollars every year lobbying to get what they want. Well, we know what they want. They want more for themselves and less for everybody else. But I’ll tell you what they don’t want. They don’t want a population of citizens capable of critical thinking. They don’t want well informed, well educated people capable of critical thinking. They’re not interested in that. That doesn’t help them.
We’re so self-important. So arrogant. Everybody’s going to save something now. Save the trees, save the bees, save the whales, save the snails. And the supreme arrogance? Save the planet! Are these people kidding? Save the planet? We don’t even know how to take care of ourselves; we haven’t learned how to care for one another. We’re gonna save the fuckin’ planet? . . . And, by the way, there’s nothing wrong with the planet in the first place. The planet is fine. The people are fucked! Compared with the people, the planet is doin’ great. It’s been here over four billion years . . . The planet isn’t goin’ anywhere, folks. We are! We’re goin’ away. Pack your shit, we’re goin’ away. And we won’t leave much of a trace. Thank God for that. Nothing left. Maybe a little Styrofoam. The planet will be here, and we’ll be gone. Another failed mutation; another closed-end biological mistake. An evolutionary cul-de-sac. The planet’ll shake us off like a bad case of fleas.

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