Groucho Marx (quotes)

Time wounds all heels.
All geniuses die young.
He thinks I look alike!
Hello, I must be going.
Always examine the dice.
Humor is reason gone mad.
Do you mind if I don’t smoke?
Blood’s not thicker than money.
Whatever it is, I’m against it.
Any place I hang my head is home.
But what makes wage slaves? Wages!
Women should be obscene, not heard.
Go, and never darken my towels again
I hate London when it’s not raining.
I hope they bury me near a strait man
I would horsewhip you if I had a horse
You bet I’m shy. I’m a shyster lawyer.
I wish you’d keep my hands to yourself.
Marriage is the chief cause of divorce.
I intend to live forever, or die trying.
Budget: a way of going broke methodically
Why, I’d horse-whip you if I had a horse.
You get a canoe later and I’ll paddle you
A man’s only as old as the woman he feels.
The only real laughter comes from despair.
You are going Uruguay, and I’m going my way
You’re only as young as the woman you feel.
Africa is God’s country, and He can have it.
Come on in girls, and leave all hope behind.
Don’t be silly. I’ll write you twice a week.
How would you like to feel the way she looks
I cannot say that I do not disagree with you
Anybody who doesn’t like this book is healthy
Don’t point that beard at me, it might go off
I’ve had a wonderful time, but this wasn’t it
Only if the computers really love each other.
I love to read. My education is self-inflicted
What have future generations ever done for us?
I must confess, I was born at a very early age.
Die, my dear? Why that’s the last thing I’ll do!
I’m not a vegetarian, but I eat animals who are.
That’s nothing. My alarm clock is set for eight.
Sir, are you trying to offer me a bribe? How much
A woman can smell mink through six inches of lead.
Before I speak, I have something important to say.
Love flies out the door when money comes innuendo.
Military intelligence is a contradiction in terms.
Next time I see you, remind me not to talk to you.
Paying alimony is like feeding hay to a dead horse
Who are you going to believe, me or your own eyes?
Wives are people who feel they don’t dance enough.
I worked myself up from nothing to extreme poverty.
Time flies like an arrow; fruit flies like a banana
And stop pointing that beard at me, it might go off!
If it gets any hotter in here I could use a big fan.
Patience is the art of finding something else to do.
A clown is like aspirin, only he works twice as fast.
If the garbage man calls, tell him we don’t want any.
Whoever named it necking was a poor judge of anatomy.
I shall drink no wine before it’s time! OK, it’s time.
A hospital bed is a parked taxi with the meter running.
Do you suppose I could buy back my introduction to you?
Don’t let the fear of the thorn keep you from the rose.
If you’re not having fun, you’re doing something wrong.
That’s bad luck: three on a midget. From “At The Circus
I don’t have change I’d have to give you nine more books
If you are not having fun you are doing something wrong.
Blessed are the cracked, for they shall let in the light.
I refuse to join any club that would have me as a member.
I remember the first time I had sex – I kept the receipt.
I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.
If he’s been married for 31 years, he’s not the same man.
Politics doesn’t make strange bedfellows – marriage does.
Anyone who says he can see through women is missing a lot.
Here’s to our wives and girlfriends…may they never meet!
Ice Water? Get some Onions – that’ll make your eyes water!
She got her looks from her father. He’s a plastic surgeon.
You know I could rent you out as a decoy for duck hunters?
I have nothing but respect for you — and not much of that.
I’ve had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn’t it.
Jail is no place for a young fellow. There’s no advancement
Making love to your wife is like shooting at sitting ducks.
No man goes before his time – unless the boss leaves early.
Celebrate the cracks, because that’s how the light comes in.
Heifer cow is better than none, but this is no time for puns
I have just one day, today, and I’m going to be happy in it.
I’ll never forget my wedding day… they threw vitamin pills
All people are born alike – except Republicans and Democrats.
I have had a perfectly wonderful evening, but this wasn’t it.
I have nothing but confidence in you, and very little of that
If I held you any closer I would be on the other side of you.
Life is a whim of several billion cells to be you for a while
I worked my way up from nothing to a state of extreme poverty.
Why don’t you bore a hole in yourself and let the sap run out?
Afraid? Me? A man who’s licked his weight in wild caterpillars?
Behind every successful man is a woman, behind her is his wife.
It’s hard to get ivory in Africa, but in Alabama the Tuscaloosa
Military justice is to justice what military music is to music.
No one is completely unhappy at the failure of his best friend.
She got her good looks from her father. He’s a plastic surgeon.
There is no sweeter sound than the crumbling of your fellow man
There’s one thing I always wanted to do before I quit…retire!
A woman is an occasional pleasure but a cigar is always a smoke.
I have a mind to join a club and beat you over the head with it.
In Hollywood, brides keep the bouquets and throw away the groom.
Be open minded, but not so open minded that your brains fall out.
How do you feel about women’s rights? I like either side of them.
Money will not make you happy, and happy will not make you money.
One of the best hearing aids a man can have is an attentive wife.
There is no sweeter sound than the crumbling of one’s fellow man.
You can leave in a huff. Or you can leave in a minute and a huff.
Every time someone turns on a TV, I go in the other room and read.
I won’t belong to any organization that would have me as a member.
If you want to see a comic strip, you should see me in the shower.
No, Groucho is not my real name. I am breaking it in for a friend.
Believe me, you have to get up early if you want to get out of bed.
I love my cigar too, but I take it out of my mouth once in a while.
I made a killing on Wall Street a few years ago…I shot my broker.
I’ve been around so long, I knew Doris Day before she was a virgin.
If we had some eggs we could have eggs and ham, if we had some ham.
Before you speak, make certain you have something worthwhile to say.
Poverty makes people sub-human Excess of wealth makes people inhuman
And I want to thank you for all the enjoyment you’ve taken out of it.
I don’t care to join and club that’s prepared to have me as a member.
I’ve been looking for a girl like you – not you, but a girl like you.
My plans are still in embryo, a town on the edge of wishful thinking.
She’s afraid that if she leaves, she’ll become the life of the party.
Well, art is art, isn’t it? Still, on the other hand, water is water!
Why should I care about posterity? What’s posterity ever done for me?
With a little study you’ll go a long ways, and I wish you’d start now
You’re heading for a breakdown. Why don’t you pull yourself to pieces
An ounce of prevention is worth a pound of bandages and adhesive tape.
I am a man and you are a woman. I can’t think of a better arrangement.
I eat like a vulture. Unfortunately the resemblance doesn’t end there.
I met my wife on a ferry boat, and when we landed she gave me the slip
I came here for a party and what do I get? Nothing. Not even Ice cream.
The only game I like to play is “Old Maid”, providing she’s not too old
Hey, when I said work fast, I didn’t mean your friend, I meant the maid.
How much would you want to stand at the wrong end of a shooting gallery?
I don’t care to belong to a club that accepts people like me as members.
I’ve met a lot of pin-up girls, but I’ve never been able to pin one down
Now there’s a man with an open mind – you can feel the breeze from here!
This would be a better place for children if parents had to eat spinach.
I never go to movies where the hero’s tits are bigger than the heroine’s.
Man does not control his own fate. The women in his life do that for him.
There’s a man outside with a big black moustache. – Tell him I’ve got one.
I never forget a face, but in your case I’ll be glad to make an exception.
Look at me. I worked my way up from nothing to a state of extreme poverty.
Don’t look now, but there’s one too many in this room and I think it’s you.
I’m not going to pay good money to join a club that lets in people like me.
It isn’t necessary to have relatives in Kansas City in order to be unhappy.
My mother loved children – she would have given anything if I had been one.
Those are my principles, and if you don’t like them… well, I have others.
Will you marry me? Do you have any money? Answer the second question first.
A black cat crossing your path signifies that the animal is going somewhere.
I was so long writing my review that I never got around to reading the book.
I’ve got the brain of a four year old. I’ll bet he was glad to be rid of it.
If you find it hard to laugh at yourself, I would be happy to do it for you.
Only one man in a thousand is a leader of men — the other 999 follow women.
Practically everybody in New York has half a mind to write a book, and does.
Thirteen at a table is unlucky only, when the hostess has only twelve chops.
A child of five would understand this. Send someone to fetch a child of five.
I’ll teach you to kick me…’ You don’t need to teach me–I already know how!
Marriage is a wonderful institution, but who wants to live in an institution?
My experience is that people are most likely to listen to reason when in bed.
I would never belong to a group that would accept someone like me as a member.
I don’t want to join the kind of a club that accepts people like me as members.
I think you’ve got something there, but I’ll wait outside until you clean it up
You’ve got a goal in life. I’ve got a goal. Now all we need is a football team.
I can see you in the kitchen bending over a hot stove, and I can’t see the stove
I write by ear. I tried writing with the typewriter, but I found it too unwieldy
I’m not crazy about reality, but it’s still the only place to get a decent meal.
Remember, the grass is always greener where you don’t happen to be the neighbor.
These Twins Were Named ‘Most Beautiful in the World,’ Wait Till You See Them Now
I’d like to meet the person who invented sex and see what they’re working on now.
I’m leaving because the weather is too good. I hate London when it’s not raining.
Since my daughter is only half-Jewish, could she go in the water up to her knees?
Gerald Ford was unknown throughout America. Now he’s unknown throughout the world.
You’re the most beautiful woman I’ve ever seen, and that’s not saying much for you
I would never join a country club with standards so low as to allow me as a member.
In any relationship, the woman has control, the clever ones don’t let the men know.
You’ve got the brain of a four-year-old boy, and I bet he was glad to get rid of it
Here lies Groucho Marx and Lies and Lies and Lies P.S. He never kissed an ugly girl.
Hey you! I told you to slow that nag down! Because of you, I almost heard the opera!
If you’ve heard this story before, don’t stop me, because I’d like to hear it again.
You call this a party? The beer is warm, the women cold and I’m hot under the collar
It is impossible to design anything that is foolproof because fools are so ingenious.
My brother thinks he’s a chicken-We don’t talk him out of it because we need the eggs
Send two dozen roses to Room 424 and put “Emily, I love you” on the back of the bill.
I’m gonna put extra blankets, free, in all your rooms, and there’ll be no cover charge
I’m not feeling very well – I need a doctor immediately. Ring the nearest golf course.
She’s so in love with me, she doesn’t know anything. That’s why she’s in love with me.
While money can’t buy happiness, it certainly lets you choose your own form of misery.
If women dressed for men, the stores wouldn’t sell much – just an occasional sun visor.
Outside of a dog, a book is a man’s best friend. Inside of a dog it’s too dark to read.
The foods that are recommended today are as palatable as a steady diet of wet blotters.
I didn’t like the play, but then I saw it under adverse conditions – the curtain was up.
I don’t have a photograph, but you can have my footprints. They’re upstairs in my socks.
I know a member of one of New York’s first families (first as you drive up Tenth Avenue)
Laugh and the world laughs with you, cry and you’re probably watching the wrong channel.
Let there be dancing in the streets, drinking in the saloons, and necking in the parlor.
He’s so full of alcohol, if you put a lighted wick in his mouth he’d burn for three days.
One morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas. How he got into my pajamas I’ll never know.
The secret of life is honesty and fair dealing. If you can fake that, you’ve got it made.
I was going to thrash them within an inch of their lives, but I didn’t have a tape measure.
Most young women do not welcome promiscuous advances. (Either that, or my luck’s terrible.)
Why was I with her? She reminds me of you. In fact, she reminds me more of you than you do!
As soon as I get through with you, you’ll have a clear case for divorce and so will my wife.
It isn’t so much that hard times are coming; the change observed is mostly soft times going.
Oh, are you from Wales? Do you know a fella named Jonah-He used to live in whales for a while
Remember men, we’re fighting for this woman’s honor; which is probably more than she ever did.
I married your mother because I wanted children, imagine my disappointment when you came along.
Please accept my resignation. I don’t care to belong to any club that will have me as a member.
There is one way to find out if a man is honest; ask him! If he says yes you know he’s crooked.
Yes, darling, let me cover your face with kisses-On second thought, just let me cover your face
I was born at a very early age. Before I had time to regret it, I was four and a half years old.
Remember, we’re fighting for this woman’s honor, which is probably far more than she’s ever done!
Television is where you watch people in your living room that you would not want near your house.
When discovered by his wife, kissing the maid, Groucho said, “I was just whispering in her mouth”
Ever since they found out that Lassie was a boy, the public has believed the worst about Hollywood
I can’t understand why you don’t get any mail from me. Perhaps it’s because I haven’t been writing
The husband who wants a happy marriage should learn to keep his mouth shut and his checkbook open.
When I invite a woman to dinner, I expect her to look at my face. That’s the price she has to pay.
A moose is an animal with horns on the front of its head and a hunting lodge wall on the back of it
Madam, you’re making history, in fact, you’re making me, and I wish you’d keep my hands to yourself
Three years ago I came to Florida without a nickel in my pocket. Now I’ve got a nickel in my pocket
Why would I want to join an organization that would encourage people like myself to become members.
He may look like an idiot and talk like an idiot but don’t let that fool you. He really is an idiot.
I wish to be cremated. One tenth of my ashes shall be given to my agent, as written in our contract.
There’s one way to find out if a man is honest – ask him. If he says, ‘Yes,’ you know he is a crook.
We took pictures of the native girls, but they weren’t developed. . . But we’re going back next week.
I have an agreement with the houseflies. The flies don’t practice law and I don’t walk on the ceiling.
The Alps are a simple folk, living on a diet of old shoes. And the Lord Alps those who alp themselves.
Money frees you from doing things you dislike. Since I dislike doing nearly everything, money is handy.
There was no need to inform us of the protocol involved. We were from Chicago and knew all about cement.
Did I ever tell you how I shot a wild elephant in my pyjamas? How he got into my pyjamas I’ll never know.
Age is not a particularly interesting subject. Anyone can get old. All you have to do is live long enough.
I’ve known and respected your husband for many years, and what’s good enough for him is good enough for me
If you take cranberries and stew them like apple sauce, it tastes much more like prunes than rhubarb does.
To write an autobiography of Groucho Marx would be as asinine as to read an autobiography of Groucho Marx.
I started smoking as soon as I went on the stage. I’d make cigars out of the Morning World when I was a kid.
Comedians are a much rarer and far more valuable commodity than all the gold and precious stones in the world.
My favourite poem is the one that starts ‘Thirty days hath September’ because it actually tells you something.
The Two Most Important Words In The World Are Honesty And Sincerity, If You Can Fake These You’ve Got It Made.
Money cannot buy you happiness, and happiness cannot buy you money. That might be a wise crack, but I doubt it.
There’s only two things you can start without a plan: a riot and a family, for everything else you need a plan.
I find television very educating. Every time somebody turns on the set, I go into the other room and read a book.
We in the industry know that behind every successful screenwriter stands a woman. And behind her stands his wife.
Each morning when I open my eyes I say to myself: I, not events, have the power to make me happy or unhappy today.
I find television very educational. Every time someone switches it on I go into another room and read a good book.
[Mrs. Teasdale]: He’s had a change of heart. [Groucho]: A lot of good that’ll do him. He’s still got the same face.
A man who says he can see through a woman is missing a lot.-Groucho Marx A man’s only as old as the woman he feels.
In America you can go on the air and kid the politicians, and the politicians can go on the air and kid the people.
The admission fee was a viper’s tongue and a half-concealed stiletto. It was a sort of intellectual slaughterhouse.
With the possible exception of clothes, beauty salons and Frank Sinatra, there are few subjects all women agree upon.
From the moment I picked your book up until I laid it down, I convulsed with laughter. Someday I intend on reading it.
I could dance with you until the cows come home. On second thought I’d rather dance with the cows until you come home.
From the moment I picked your book up until I laid it down, I was convulsed with laughter. Someday I intend reading it.
Policeman: “A hermit eh? Then why’s your table set for four?” Groucho: “That’s nothing. My alarm clock is set for eight.
Bel Air, I am convinced, was laid out by some diabolic sadist who deliberately decided not to use a compass or a surveyor.
I chased a woman for almost two years only to discover her tastes were exactly like mine – we were both crazy about girls.
Hello, I must be going, I cannot stay, I came to say, I must be going. I’m glad I came, but just the same, I must be going.
Dig trenches? With our men being killed off like flies? There isn’t time to dig trenches. We’ll have to buy them ready made.
Would you mind getting off that fly paper and giving the flies a chance?” “Ahhh, you can’t trick me! Flies don’t read papers!
Today’s Father Day and we’re giving you a tie, it’s not much you know, it’s just our way of showing you, you’re a regular guy.
I think that the Peeps or Peppies or Pipes diaries would be much more popular had there been a universal pronuncation of his name.
You’re a great brother. You give us a heart attack worrying about your heart attack, which you didn’t even have the decency to have!
Oh, why can’t we break away from all this, just you and I, and lodge with my fleas in the hills? I mean flee to my lodge in the hills
One woman and one man might have been OK in your grandmother’s day, but who wants to marry your grandmother? Not even your grandfather!
Why a four-year-old child could understand this report. Run out and find me a four-year-old child. I can’t make head nor tail out of it.
Q: What do you get when you cross an insomniac, an agnostic, and a dyslexic?A: Someone who stays up all night wondering if there is a Dog.
Take two turkeys, one goose, four cabbages, but no duck, and mix them together. After one taste, you’ll duck soup for the rest of your life
Why don’t you go home to your wife? Better yet, I’ll go home to your wife, and outside of the improvement, she won’t notice any difference.
If they’d lower the taxes and get rid of the smog and clean up the traffic mess, I really believe I’d settle here until the next earthquake.
Well I thought my razor was dull until I heard his speech, and that reminds me of a story that’s so dirty I’m ashamed to think of it myself.
Two women at a resort discussed dinner: “The food here is lousy,” the first noted. “You’re right! And such small portions!!” the second added
I could dance with you till the cows come home. Better still, I’ll dance with the cows and you come home. dialogue of the 1933 film Duck Soup:
Many years ago I chased a woman for almost two years, only to discover that her tastes were exactly like mine: we both were crazy about girls.
When you’re in jail, a good friend will be trying to bail you out. A best friend will be in the cell next to you saying, ‘Damn, that was fun.’
Some people claim that marriage interferes with romance. There’s no doubt about it. Anytime you have a romance, your wife is bound to interfere.
The difference between a politician and a snail is that the snail leaves its slime behind. Whoever named it necking was a poor judge of anatomy.
Do they allow tipping on the boat? – Yes, sir. Have you got two fives? – Oh, yes, sir. Then you won’t need the ten cents I was going to give you.
If income tax is the price you have to pay to keep the government on its feet, alimony is the price we have to pay for sweeping a woman off hers.
Chico: “Here’s the book, it’s a dollar” Groucho: “Here’s a ten, and shoot the change.” Chico: “I don’t have change I’d have to give you nine more books.
I did toy with the idea of doing a cook-book. . . . I think a lot of people who hate literature but love fried eggs would buy it if the price was right.
Blank’s reputation as a card shark had preceded him. No one accused him of being dishonest, but on the other hand no one accused him of being honest.
Just give me a comfortable couch, a dog, a good book, and a woman. Then if you can get the dog to go somewhere and read the book, I might have a little fun.
I know, I know – you’re a woman who’s had a lot of tough breaks. Well, we can clean and tighten those brakes, but you’ll have to stay in the garage all night.
Middle age is when you go to bed at night and hope you feel better in the morning. Old age is when you go to bed at night and hope you wake up in the morning.
This isn’t a particularly novel observation, but the world is full of people who think they can manipulate the lives of others merely by getting a law passed.
Even the intellectual crowd will have none of me. Physically, I look like one of them. Graying at the temples, I walk with a slight limp and wear thick glasses.
Obviously there was no point in being a bachelor if his houseman was going to filch his booze. If he was going to get robbed, he might just as well get married.
The months before my son was born, I used to yell from night to morn, ‘Whatever it is, I’m against it! No matter what it is or who commenced it, I’m against it!’
You’ve forgotten those June nights at the Riviera…the night I drank Champagne from your slipper – two quarts. It would have been more but you were wearing inner soles.
I’d have liked to have gone to bed with Jean Harlow. She was a beautiful broad. The fellow who married her was impotent and he killed himself. I would have done the same thing.
I don’t know. When I was born there was a nurse taking care of me.” “What’s the matter? Couldn’t the nurse take care of herself?” “Sure she could. I just found that out too late.
This book was written in those long hours I spent waiting for my wife to get dressed to go out. And if she had never gotten dressed at all this book would never have been written.
Love had forged ahead so swiftly that in no time it had displaced agriculture as the leading industry of the period. To anyone who has tried both, this wont come as much of a surprise.
I’m going to Iowa for an award. Then I’m appearing at Carnegie Hall, it’s sold out. Then I’m sailing to France to be honored by the French government – I’d give it all up for one erection.
The Arab and the camel are inseparable. It’s been said that and Arab would give up his wife rather than give up his camel. Personally, I haven’t got a camel, but I think it’s a great idea.
Years ago, I tried to top everybody, but I don’t anymore. I realized it was killing conversation. When you’re always trying for a topper you aren’t really listening. It ruins communication
I think women are sexy when they got some clothes on. And if later they take them off then you’ve triumphed. Somebody once said it’s what you dont see you’re interested in, and this is true.
Teasdale calls for rescue and Firefly delivers the famous line to his cohorts as they rescue her: “Remember, you’re fighting for this woman’s honor, which is probably more than she ever did.”
I read in the newspapers they are going to have 30 minutes of intellectual stuff on television every Monday from 7:30 to 8. to educate America. They couldn’t educate America if they started at 6:30.
Some day there will have to be some new rules established about name-calling. I don’t mean the routine cursing that goes on between husband and wife, but the naming of defenseless, unsuspecting babies.
I, not events, have the power to make me happy or unhappy today. I can choose which it shall be. Yesterday is dead, tomorrow hasn’t arrived yet. I have just one day, today, and I’m going to be happy in it.
If you were a man, you’d go into business for yourself. I know a fellow who started out last year with just a canoe. Now he’s got more women than you can shake a stick at, if that’s your idea of a good time.
Don’t ever underestimate the importance of money. I know it’s often been said that money won’t make you happy and this is undeniably true, but everything else being equal, it’s a lovely thing to have around the house.
The first part of the party of the first part shall be known in this contract as the first part of the party of the first part shall be known in this contract– Look, why should we quarrel about a thing like this? We’ll take it right out, eh?
The first thing which I can record concerning myself is, that I was born. These are wonderful words. This life, to which neither time nor eternity can bring diminution – this everlasting living soul, began. My mind loses itself in these depths.
Well, Art is Art, isn’t it? Still, on the other hand, water is water. And east is east and west is west and if you take cranberries and stew them like applesauce they taste much more like prunes than rhubarb does. Now you tell me what you know.
He [Groucho’s father] had absolutely no training, and if you had ever seen one of his suits, you’d realize what an accurate statement that is. You see, Pop never used a tape measure. He didn’t believe in it. He said he could just look at a man and tell hi.
Firefly: Now that you’re Secretary of War, what kind of an army do you think we oughta have? Chicolini: Well, I tell you what I think. I think we should have a standing army. Firefly: Why should we have a standing army? Chicolini: Because then we save money on chairs.
I was so long writing my review that I never got around to reading the book. From the moment I picked up your book until I laid it down I was convulsed with laughter. Someday I intend reading it. Practically everybody in New York has half a mind to write a book -and does.
A cigar makers organization once said that I was the most famous cigar smoker in the world. I dont know if thats true, but once while visiting Havana, I went to a cigar factory. There were four hundred people there rolling cigars, and when they saw me, they all stood up and applauded.
Teasdale congratulates him on his coronation and sovereignty: “The eyes of the world are upon you. Notables from every country are gathered here in your honor. This is a gala day for you.” Firefly replies: “Well, a gal a day is enough for me. I don’t think I could handle any more.”
Firefly: Where is your husband? Mrs. Teasdale: Why, he’s dead. Firefly: I’ll bet he’s just using that as an excuse. Mrs. Teasdale: I was with him to the very end. Firefly: Hmmph. No wonder he passed away. Mrs. Teasdale: I held him in my arms and kissed him. Firefly: Oh I see. Then, it was murder.
John you say you met in an elevator. Was the elevator going up at the time, or down? This is very important, for going down in an elevator one always has that sinking feeling and for all I know you may have this confused with love. If you were going up, it is clearly a case of love at first sight…
The trouble with writing a book about yourself is that you can’t fool around. If you write about someone else, you can stretch the truth from here to Finland. If you write about yourself the slightest deviation makes you realize instantly that there may be honor among thieves, but you are just a dirty liar.
A thing that has always baffled me about women is that they will saturate themselves with a pint of perfume, a pound of sachet powder, an evil-smelling lip rouge, a peculiar-smelling hair ointment and a half-dozen varieties of body oils, and then have the effrontery to complain of the aroma of a fine dollar cigar.
Gentlemen, Chicolini here may talk like an idiot, and look like an idiot, but don’t let that fool you: he really is an idiot. I implore you, send him back to his father and brothers, who are waiting for him with open arms in the penitentiary. I suggest that we give him ten years in Leavenworth, or eleven years in Twelveworth.
In France, for example, it is not unusual for a husband to have a wife and a mistress. However, if in addition to these two he’s also having a fling with a fringe tootsie, both the wife and the mistress are outraged and the combination lover, husband, and cheat may well wind up with a large French bread knife between his ribs.
Julius Henry Marx, known professionally as Groucho Marx, was an American comedian and film and television star. He was known as a master of quick wit and is widely considered one of the best comedians of the modern era. His rapid-fire, often impromptu delivery of innuendo-laden patter earned him many admirers and imitators… (wikipedia)
Anyone buying this book is going to be out a tidy sum if he is sucked in by the title. I wish I could write a real sexy book that would be barred from the mails. Apparently nothing whets a reader’s appetite for literature more than the news that the author has been thrown into a federal pokey for disturbing the libido of millions of Americans.
I did toy with the idea of doing a cook-book. The recipes were to be the routine ones: how to make dry toast, instant coffee, hearts of lettuce and brownies. But as an added attraction, at no extra charge, my idea was to put a fried egg on the cover. I think a lot of people who hate literature but love fried eggs would buy it if the price was right.
I must say I find television very educational. The minute somebody turns it on, I go to the library and read a good book. ANOTHER VERSION I find television very educating. Every time somebody turns on the set, I go into the other room and read a book. ANOTHER VERSION I find television very educational. Every time someone turns it on, I go in the other room and read a book.
Wages? You want to be wage slaves? Answer me that! Of course not. What is it that makes wage slaves? Wages! I want you to be free. Strike off your chains! Strike up the band! Strike three you’re out! Remember, there’s nothing like Liberty, except Colliers and The Saturday Evening Post. Be free, now and forever. One and individual. One for all and all for me, and tea for two and six for a quarter….
No, Groucho is not my real name. I am breaking it in for a friend. I never forget a face, but in your case I’ll be glad to make an exception. I find television very educating. Every time somebody turns on the set, I go into the other room and read a book. I have had a perfectly wonderful evening, but this wasn’t it. I didn’t like the play, but then I saw it under adverse conditions – the curtain was up.
Well, that covers a lot of ground. Say, you cover a lot of ground yourself. You better beat it – I hear they’re going to tear you down and put up an office building where you’re standing. You can leave in a taxi. If you can’t get a taxi, you can leave in a huff. If that’s too soon, you can leave in a minute and a huff. You know, you haven’t stopped talking since I came here? You must have been vaccinated with a phonograph needle.
I’m not much of a correspondent. My letters are not only uninteresting but sparse. I’m glad I don?t have to write for a living. It?s arduous work and the money is very uncertain. On those rare occasions when I wander into a bookstore it amazes me to see the avalanche of literature and semi-literature that is turned out weekly in this country. The people who write these things are either desperate for money or love starved. Why should anyone on a nice balmy day lock oneself in an office and hit a typewriter for hours on end. I think one of the greatest pleasures in the world is not writing…

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