About comedy

• Success is the enemy of comedy.
• The Four Levels of Comedy: Make your friends laugh, Make strangers laugh, Get paid to make strangers laugh, and Make people talk like you because it’s so much fun.
• The whole object of comedy is to be yourself and the closer you get to that, the funnier you will be.
• The hardest thing in comedy is to have the biggest laugh at the end, and it’s the most satisfying thing.
• Comedy is just complaining in an entertaining way, Enterplaining.
• Well, all comedy starts with anger. You get angry, and its never for a good reason, right? You know its not a good reason. And then you try and work it from there.
• The greatest thing about being a comedian is knowing other comedians. And you get to talk to them. Its the most fun.
• You know, crankiness is at the essence of all comedy.

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On a lighter note

• The best revenge is living well.
• I am speechless: I have no speech
• Yes, freckles’ ugly cousin.
• Economy is essential to all good art.
• I love advertising because I love lying.
• I love the day date. No wine, no shower.
• Maybe if we lie down our brains will work.
• All I ever wanted to do is make people laugh.
• You know why fish are so thin? They eat fish.
• You’ll fold faster than Superman on laundry day
• If someone’s lying, are their pants really on fire
• People who read the tabloids deserve to be lied to.
• There is no such thing as fun for the whole family.
• I had a dream last night that a hamburger was eating me.
• People on dates shouldn’t even be allowed out in public.
• Boy, I miss the days they made toys that could kill a kid.
• Sex to save the friendship? Well if we have to we have to.
• I can’t eat chicken and look at strippers at the same time.
• In my world, the wronger something feels, the righter it is.
• I don’t return fruit. Fruit’s a gamble. I know that going in.
• I prefer the old theaters because the audience is… trapped.
• Folks who go through the tabloids ought to have to be lied to.
• Men don’t care what’s on TV. They only care what else is on TV.
• She said I wasn’t sponge-worthy. Wouldn’t waste a sponge on me.
• Sometimes the road less traveled is less traveled for a reason.
• Comedy is just complaining in an entertaining way, Enterplaining.
• That’s why breakups take two or three times- to build up immunity.
• The IRS! They’re like the Mafia, they can take anything they want!
• When you look annoyed all the time, people think that you’re busy.
• I think it’s funny to be delicate with subjects that are explosive.
• I wonder if illiterate people get the full effect of alphabet soup?
• If I want a long, boring story with no point to it, I have my life.
• Work is the least important thing and family is the most important.
• People have an infinite attention span if you are entertaining them.
• After you get a job and before you have to do it. Nothing beats that.
• I love how you just make coffee and then somehow something gets done.
• I wonder is illiterate people know the full meaning of alphabet soup?
• Cry when you get a Golden Globe. Then you can get an Oscar nomination.
• People don’t turn down money! It’s what separates us from the animals.
• There’s more to life than making shallow, fairly obvious observations.
• When you interrupt, you’ve stopped listening. People need to be heard.
• Writer’s block is a phony, made up, BS excuse for not doing your work.
• Having fun is a very particular skill. And not everyone has that skill.
• Men like a ref decision because they just want to get back to the game.
• Do you think it’s effeminate for a man to put clothes in a gentle cycle?
• People don’t just bump into each other and have sex. This isn’t Cinemax.
• I admire the hell out of her. You can’t have sex with someone you admire.
• If people would only look to the cookie, all our problems would be solved.
• Fatherhood makes you cute. Women find bumbling fathers cute and attractive.
• Your blessing in life is when you find the torture you’re comfortable with.
• A really hard laugh is like sex-one of the ultimate diversions of existence.
• Having a 2 year old is like having a blender that you don’t have the top for.
• I’m in the unfortunate position of having to consider other people’s feelings
• I don’t want to hear the specials. If they’re so special, put ’em on the menu.
• If every instinct you have is wrong, then the opposite would have to be right.
• Make no mistake about why these babies are here – they are here to replace us.
• What’s the deal with lampshades? I mean if it’s a lamp, why do you want shade?
• There’s a tremendous power and energy in sharing your life with another person.
• A chef who doesn’t wash his hands is like a cop who steals. It’s a cry for help.
• A two-year-old is kind of like having a blender, but you don’t have a top for it.
• That’s the true spirit of Christmas; people being helped by people other than me.
• There is nothing more rewarding than completing a goal you have set for yourself.
• To me, if life boils down to one thing, it’s movement. To live is to keep moving.
• I was the best man at the wedding… If I’m the best man, why is she marrying him?
• If you go to a bad movie, it’s two hours. If you’re in a bad movie, it’s two years.
• Did you know that the original title for War and Peace was War, What Is It Good For?
• My parents didn’t want to move to Florida, but they turned sixty and that’s the law.
• Most people, you do a TV series, it ends three, four, five years later; it’s a relic.
• On the side of box of my superman costume it actually said – ‘Do not attempt to fly!’
• There’s no way that moving in with your parents is a sign that your life is on track.
• Ever noticed that no matter what happens in one day, it exactly fits in the newspaper?
• I have a nice bookshelf in my office, but not my house. I’m crass, but not that crass.
• I love a good nap. Sometimes it’s the only thing getting me out of bed in the morning.
• What’s the point of dating without games? How do you know if you’re winning or losing?
• When someone does a small task beautifully, their whole environment is affected by it.
• No encounter, mouth open up … that is how the drug businesses see the general public.
• Pay attention; don’t let life go by you. Fall in love with the back of your cereal box.
• Who goes on vacation without a job? What do you need a break from getting up at eleven?
• A bookstore is one of the only pieces of evidence we have that people are still thinking.
• And that’s when I realized, when you’re a kid you don’t need a costume, you ARE superman.
• Introducing ‘Lite’: the new way to spell ‘Light’; but with twenty per cent fewer letters.
• I can’t go to a bad movie by myself. What, am I gonna make sarcastic remarks to strangers?
• Everybody lies about sex. People lie during sex. If it weren’t for lies, there’d be no sex.
• I like to try anything… You have to do the experiments to find out what the formulas are.
• I’ll tell you one thing, since I’m married, single people look absolutely ridiculous to me.
• If you’ve got a bloodstain on your T-shirt, maybe dirty laundry isn’t your biggest problem.
• I like any cereal. I like the idea of just eating and drinking with one hand without looking.
• Once you start doing only what you’ve already proven you can do, you’re on the road to death.
• It’s hard to do nothing because you tend to do something and then you have to drop everything.
• Sex, that’s meaningless, I can understand that, but dinner; that’s heavy. That’s like an hour.
• Twitter is good. Why say a lot to a few people when you can say virtually nothing to everyone?
• Well, sometimes we do actually have to get up early, but a man will always trade sleep for sex.
• Of course, everyone wants to be healthy. The amusing thing is no one’s really sure how to do it.
• I’ve compiled a book from the Internet. It’s a book of quotations attributed to the wrong people.
• How long do you have to wait for a guy to come out of a coma before you ask his ex-girlfriend out?
• Sometimes I think more creativity is put into muffin recipes than into the rest of society combined.
• Hey! What’s the deal with decaf? How do they get the caffeine out of there and then where does it go?
• I always did well on the essay questions. Just put everything you know on there, maybe you’ll hit it.
• I’ve been car crazy my whole life, since I was nine years old. It’s just something I’m very aware of.
• You know how your charger for your phone? It’s like if you had a charger for your whole body and mind
• Just what is the handicapped parking situation at the Special Olympics? Is it still just the two spaces?
• Why do I always have the feeling that everybody’s doing something better than me on Saturday afternoons?
• Nothing in life is fun for the whole family. There are no massage parlors with ice cream and free jewelry.
• Why is it illegal to park in a handicapped parking space but okay to go the bathroom in a handicapped stall?
• There’s no downside to fame and people who whine about it make me sick. It’s the greatest thing in the world.
• The big advantage of a book is that it’s very easy to rewind. Close it and you’re right back at the beginning.
• I have no plants in my house. They won’t live for me. Some of them don’t even wait to die, they commit suicide.
• I like staying in hotels. I like their tiny soap. I like to pretend it’s regular-sized and my muscles are huge.
• If airline seat cushions are such great flotation devices, why don’t you ever see anyone take one to the beach?
• It’s amazing that the amount of news that happens in the world every day always just exactly fits the newspaper.
• The padded outfits, the bad scripts, the phony-looking sets… he dealt with it all. He had to. He was Superman.
• You know you’re getting old when you get that one candle on the cake. It’s like, ‘See if you can blow this out.’
• The less you know about a field, the better your odds. Dumb boldness is the best way to approach a new challenge.
• The peak of being a fan is a hotdog and a beer and a seat at the game. There’s nothing above that. Nothing above it.
• What could possess anyone to throw a party? I mean, to have a bunch of strangers treat your house like a hotel room.
• Where lipstick is concerned, the important thing is not color, but to accept God’s final word on where your lips end.
• Women go after doctors like men go after models. They want someone with knowledge of the body. We just want the body.
• I mean, she’s giving and caring and genuinely concerned about the welfare of others. I can’t be with someone like that.
• Celebrity is no different from any other energy. It’s a force for good or evil. It’s no different from money. It’s power.
• Being a good husband is like being a good stand-up comic – you need ten years before you can even call yourself a beginner.
• You can tell what was the best year of your father’s life, because they seem to freeze that clothing style and ride it out.
• I won’t do something unless I can get at least two or three good laughs out of it. If I can’t, it’s not gonna make the team.
• Magazines are another medium I love, because 95% is simply based on ‘How the hell are we going to fill all this blank space?
• We got the hot fudge on the bottom…. that allows you to control the fudge distribution while you’re eating your ice cream.
• What’s the deal with Ovaltine? It comes in a round container, you put it in a round glass, why don’t they call it Roundtine?
• Men want the same thing from their underwear that they want from women: a little bit of support, and a little bit of freedom.
• When men are growing up and they’re reading about Batman, Spiderman, Superman … those are not fantasies … they’re options.
• Why would you want to work for a living if you could just joke around? Being a celebrity expands your commercial possibilities.
• The first real thought that I had of something that I might do was to write for car magazines, because I always had a car thing.
• I think that you think that a certain something is not all that it could be, when, in fact, it is all that it should be, and more!
• Looking at cleavage is like looking into the sun. You don’t stare at it. It’s too risky. You get a sense of it, then you look away.
• The advice I would give [the younger me]—or any young person—would be “Keep your head up in failure and your head down in success.”
• Looking at cleavage is like looking at the sun. You don’t stare at it, it’s too risky. You get a sense of it and then you look away.
• The only way a show works is you find people who you think are qualified and talented and you give them a chance to do what they do.
• The greatest Jewish tradition is to laugh. The cornerstone of Jewish survival has always been to find humor in life and in ourselves.
• If you want to make a person feel better after they sneeze, you shouldn’t say ‘God bless you.’ You should say, ‘You’re so good looking!
• What is it about sleep that makes you so thirsty? Do dreams require liquid? It’s not like I’m running a marathon, I’m just lying there.
• Why does McDonald’s have to count every burger that they sell? What is their ultimate goal? Do they want cows to surrender voluntarily?
• I will never understand the bathrooms in this country. Why is it that the doors on the stalls do not come all the way down to the floor?
• The truth is, I had always wanted to be a comedian, but I really didn’t have that kind of personality, and it’s a terrifying thing to say.
• I’ll tell you what the big advantage of homosexuality is: if you’re going out with someone your size, right there you double your wardrobe.
• Hey! So what’s the deal with brunch? I mean that if it’s a combination of breakfast and lunch, how comes there’s no ‘lupper’ or no ‘linner’?
• Our good time is sitting in a coffee shop with a newspaper, writing a line on the back of a napkin. That is the most fun comedians ever have
• Hey, how come people don’t have dip for dinner? Why is it only a snack, why can’t it be a meal, you know? I don’t understand stuff like that.
• There is no more embarrassing thing in my life than the fact that I have actually uttered the phrase, ‘I would like to order the Ginsu Knife.’
• What is this obsession people have with books? They put them in their houses like they’re trophies. What do you need it for after you read it?
• What is this obsession people have with books? They put them in their houses—like they’re trophies. What do you need it for after you read it?
• Anyone who would laugh at a recital is probably some sort of lunatic anyway. I mean, only a sick, twisted mind could be that rude and ignorant.
• Dogs have no money. Isn’t that amazing? They’re broke their entire lives. But they get through. You know why dogs have no money? .. No Pockets.
• I feel like humor is the answer to everything. If you have a little bit of humor in the shaker and you can sprinkle that on, that’s your answer.
• I can walk through a hotel lobby and watch people at the desk and see what they’re doing. People don’t look at me. They don’t even know I’m there.
• I think vacations are mostly completely stupid. Going to have coffee with a friend, you’re probably going to have more fun than if you go to Aruba.
• See, the thing of it is, there’s a lot of ugly people out there walking around but they don’t know they’re ugly because nobody actually tells them.
• There are more social skills required to talk one-on-one [than to an audience]. You don’t have to be socially fluid to talk to two thousand people.
• We sold ‘Seinfeld’ all over the world but it was a very specific kind of show. In some countries it went down really well, in others they hated it.
• Breaking up is like knocking over a Coke machine. You can’t do it in one push; you got to rock it back and forth a few times, and then it goes over.
• Men, as an organization, are getting more women than any other group working anywhere in the world. Wherever women are, we have men looking into it.
• We’re all trying to get to the same island — whether you swim, fly, surf, or skydive, it doesn’t matter. What matters is when the red light goes on.
• Pain is usually represented by lightning attacking the guy. Glowing redness is also popular. Sometimes parts of the guy would just burst into flames.
• What’s with this weird hotel custom of leaving a piece of chocolate on the pillow? I awoke thinking my brain had hemorrhaged some sort of fecal matter.
• Marriage is like a game of chess except the board is flowing water, the pieces are made of smoke and no move you make will have any effect on the outcome.
• Actually, the only memory I have of being a Cub Scout was trying to get my hat back. That was all I did. Run back and forth at my bus stop going “Quit it.”
• The Beatles created something that never trailed off. What a gift that was to their fans. If you’re into the Beatles, you loved them from beginning to end.
• What I don’t understand is how women can pour hot wax on their bodies, let it dry, then rip out every single hair by its root and still be scared of spiders.
• I’d like to do one of those jumps they do in the movies; in a car, over a bridge, in the air with a huge explosion. It would be a final moment of entertainment.
• You don’t even really need a place. But you feel like you’re doing something. That is what coffee is. And that is one of the geniuses of the new coffee culture.
• It’s like having… you know, your phone has a charger, right? It’s like having a charger for your whole body and mind. That’s what Transcendental Meditation is!
• I have a problem with that silver medal. It’s like, ‘Congratulation s, you almost won. Of all the losers, you’re the number one loser. No one lost ahead of you.’
• It’s like having… you know, your phone has a charger, right? It’s like having a charger for your whole body and mind. That’s what Transcendental Meditation is!
• That’s the most comfortable place for me. In the beginning, yes, I was nervous going on stage. I was not a natural performer. I really had to acquire that skill.
• I wrote an article on a new Porsche for ‘Automobile Magazine.’ I knew the editor, and she asked me to write this article. So I’m more proud of that than anything.
• The Four Levels of Comedy: Make your friends laugh, Make strangers laugh, Get paid to make strangers laugh, and Make people talk like you because it’s so much fun.
• If professional wrestling did not exist, could you come up with this idea? Could you envision the popularity of huge men in tiny bathing suits, pretending to fight?
• A movie is kind of like being the captain of a ship, which is nice, but when I perform by myself it’s just surfing on the water and nobody really knows what happens.
• For people on my side of the cubicle, the goal is always creativity. Spending your time overcoming corporate resistance to creativity – I just don’t want to do that.
• So let me get this straight. You find yourself in the kitchen. You see an éclair in the receptacle… and you think to yourself: “What the hell, I’ll just eat some trash.”
• I’ll tell you what I like about Chinese people: they’re hanging in there with the chop sticks, aren’t they? You know they’ve seen the fork. They’re staying with the sticks.
• I’d rather be dating the blind. You know you could let the house go. You could let yourself go. A good-looking blind woman doesn’t even know you’re not good enough for her.
• The truth is, the family is much more creatively nourishing because you’re playing on a full keyboard. Whereas when you’re single, you’re just playing the upbeat jazzy tunes.
• I do not know why anyone would host an awards show. No matter how unbelievably well you do at it, the only thing that can happen is you get asked again to host an awards show.
• Artists are always looking for new things and fresh ground and fresh air. If it feels new to me, there’s a chance it’ll feel new to the audience and we’ll have found something.
• Yeah, like Bizarro Superman, Superman’s exact opposite, who lives in the backwards Bizarro world. Up is down, down is up, he says hello when he leaves, goodbye when he arrives.
• I am so busy doing nothing… that the idea of doing anything – which as you know, always leads to something – cuts into the nothing and then forces me to have to drop everything.
• My wife is funny. And I dabble in it. So being funny is big around our house. But what’s surprised me is my daughter can do an English accent. I don’t know how she learned this.
• Surveys show that the #1 fear of Americans is public speaking. #2 is death. That means that at a funeral, the average American would rather be in the casket than doing the eulogy.
• I see TV ads about detergents that can get blood stains out of your cloths. I say if you have blood stains on your cloths you should be thinking about something other than laundry.
• We want to do a lot of stuff; we’re not in great shape, we didn’t get a good night’s sleep, we’re a little depressed. Coffee solves all these problems in one delightful little cup.
• Have you ever seen that guy who has the record for fattest man in the world? Bob Hughes, the fattest man in the world… 1400 pounds. Ladies and gentlemen, the man has let himself go.
• I have a problem with the strip that runs along the bottom of the news programs. Don’t these idiots who run the news programs know we don’t want to read? That’s why we’re watching TV.
• This is one of my big things of creative pursuits. You have your idea you want to do, but then you got to figure out what does this thing want to be? You got to let it lead you a little.
• Timmy: You dipped the chip. You took a bite. And you dipped again. That’s like putting your whole mouth right in the dip! From now on, when you take a chip — just take one dip and end it. 
• I wish I was a phone machine. I wish if I saw somebody on the street I didn’t want to talk to I could just go, “Excuse me, I’m not here right now, If you just leave a message, I can walk away.”
• See, you know how to take the reservation, you just don’t know how to hold the reservation and that’s really the most important part of the reservation, the holding. Anybody can just take them.
• You know the message you’re sending out to the world with sweatpants? You’re telling the world: ‘I give up. I can’t compete in normal society. I’m miserable, so I might as well be comfortable.’
• Everybody in New York City knows there’s way more cars than parking spaces. You see cars driving in New York all hours of the night. Its like musical chairs except everybody sat down around 1964.
• Why is it when you turn on the TV you see ads for telephone companies, and when you turn on the radio you hear ads for TV shows, and when you get put on hold on the phone you hear a radio station?
• There’s very little advice in men’s magazines, because men don’t think there’s a lot they don’t know. Women do. Women want to learn. Men think, ‘I know what I’m doing, just show me somebody naked.’
• There’s very little advice in men’s magazines, because men don’t think there’s a lot they don’t know. Women do. Women want to learn. Men think, “I know what I’m doing, just show me somebody naked.”
• When you’ve been in the business 5-years, as a person, it’s like you’re 5-years old – like a child. 10-years and you’re 10-years old, 20… Etcetera. That’s how I measure maturity in this industry.
• Why do people give each other flowers? To celebrate various important occasions, they’re killing living creatures? Why restrict it to plants? ‘Sweetheart, let’s make up. Have this deceased squirrel.
• You know the message you’re sending out to the world with these sweatpants? You’re telling the world, ‘I give up. I can’t compete in normal society. I’m miserable, so I might as well be comfortable.
• TV commercials now show you how detergents take out bloodstains, a pretty violent image there. I think if you’ve got a T-shirt with a bloodstain all over it, maybe laundry isn’t your biggest problem.
• Let’s face it: a date is a job-interview, that lasts all night. The only difference between a date and a job interview is: not many job-interviews is there a chance you’ll end up naked at the end of it.
• What evidence is there that cats are so smart, anyway? Huh? What do they do? Because they’re clean? I am sorry. My Uncle Pete showers four times a day and he can’t count to ten. So don’t give me hygiene.
• You know why dogs have no money? No pockets. ‘Cause they see change on the street all the time and it’s driving them crazy. When you’re walking them, he is always looking up at you. “There’s a quarter….”
• Isn’t it weird that we drink milk, stuff designed to nourish baby cows? How did THAT happen? Did some cattleman once say, “Oh, man, I can’t wait till them calves are done so I can get ME a hit of that stuff.”
• Have you ever noticed how they keep improving your laundry detergent, but they still can’t get those blue flakes out? Why do we trust them to get our clothes clean? These guys can’t even get the DETERGENT white!
• I don’t even care about cops. I wanna see more garbage men. It’s much more important. All I wanna see are garbage trucks, garbage cans and garbage men. You’re never gonna stop crime, we should at least be clean.
• Golf is the ultimate avoidance activity for the dysfunctional dad. A game so nonsensically difficult, so pointless, so irrationally time consuming, the word golf itself can only stand for ‘Get Out, Leave Family.’
• I will never understand why they cook on TV. I can’t smell it. Can’t eat it. Can’t taste it. The end of the show they hold it up to the camera, ‘Well, here it is. You can’t have any. Thanks for watching. Goodbye.’
• Fear of success is one of the new fears I’ve heard about lately. And I think its definitely a sign that we’re running out of fears. A person suffering from fear of success is scraping the bottom of the fear barrel.
• I hate the waiting room. Because it’s called the waiting room, there’s no chance of not waiting. It’s built, designed, and intended for waiting. Why would they take you right away when they’ve got this room all set up?
• I love advertising because I love lying. I think spending your life trying to dupe innocent people out of hard-won earnings to buy useless, low-quality, misrepresented items and services is an excellent use of your energy.
• There [are] just two things I’d need to find out everything I want to know about everyone: 1) Let me see them drive; 2) let me hear them talk about marriage … That’s going to tell me exactly your relationship to the world.
• All of a sudden it hit me, I realised what the problem is: I can’t be with someone like me. I hate myself! If anything, I need to get the exact opposite of me. It’s too much. It’s too much, I can’t take it. I can’t take it…
• You know I have been issued a public urination pass by the city because of my condition. Unfortunately, my little brother ran out of the house with it this morning. Him and his friends are probably peeing all over the city.
• People don’t think of their office as a workplace anymore. They think of it as a stationary store with Danish. You want to get your pastry, your envelopes, your supplies, your toilet paper, six cups of coffee, and you go home.
• There is no such thing as an attention span. There is only the quality of what you are viewing. This whole idea of an attention span is, I think, a misnomer. People have an infinite attention span if you are entertaining them.
• Having done quite a bit with studios and networks, I thought if I’m going to do something new and unformed, it would be fun to do it in a completely new space and place. The space being the Internet and the place being Crackle.
• The toughest nights when I was a young, unknown comedian were opening for these real old-time Italian singers. I’m like Grace Jones to them. “This guy is nuts-talking about socks. Where’s the wife jokes, where’s the fat jokes?”
• It reminds me of like this pathetic friend that everybody had when they were a little kid who would let you borrow any of his stuff if you would just be his friend. That’s what the library is. A government funded pathetic friend.
• People should get married because they have finally seen the folly of being single: “Oh, this is all just kind of a bad magic trick. I just keep bending over to reach for this wallet on a string. How much longer am I gonna do that?”
• The blessing in life is when you find the torture you are comfortable with. That’s marriage, it’s kids, it’s work, it’s exercise. Find the torture you’re comfortable with and you’ll do well. You’ve mastered that, you’ve mastered life.
• If aliens are watching us through telescopes, they’re going to think the dogs are the leaders of the planet. If you see two life forms, one of them’s making a poop, the other one’s carrying it for him, who would you assume is in charge?
• The worst thing about television is that everybody you see on television is doing something better than what you’re doing. You never see anybody on TV just sliding off the front of the sofa, with potato chip crumbs all over their shirt.
• I read that the number one fear of the average person is [public] speaking … Number two was death. To me, that means that, to the average person, if you were going to be at a funeral, you would rather be in the casket than doing the eulogy.

• Now they show you how detergents take out bloodstains, a pretty violent image there. I think if you’ve got a T-shirt with a bloodstain all over it, maybe laundry isn’t your biggest problem.Maybe you should get rid of the body before you do the wash.
• Sometimes they’ll make little Play-Doh animals, and when they go to sleep, I’ll break the heads off the animals and put them at the foot of their beds for them to discover in the morning. Nothing wrong with sending your kids a little Sicilian message.
• I was in the drug store the other day trying to get a cold medication…Not easy. There’s an entire wall of products you need. You stand there going,”Well, this one is quick acting but this is long lasting…Which is more important, the present or the future?”
• What would the world be like if people said whatever they were thinking, all the time, whenever it came to them? How long would a blind date last? About 13 seconds, I think. Oh, sorry, your rear end is too big. That’s ok, your breath stinks anyway. See you later.
• Dogs want to be people. That’s what their lives are about. They don’t like being a dog. They’re with people all the time, they want to graduate. My dog would sit there all day, he would watch me walk by, he would think to himself, “I could do that! He’s not that good.
• To me a lawyer is basically the person that knows the rules of the country. We’re all throwing the dice, playing the game, moving our pieces around the board, but if there’s a problem, the lawyer is the only person that has actually read the inside of the top of the box.
• I once had a leather jacket that got ruined in the rain. Why does moisture ruin leather? Aren’t cows outside a lot of the time? When it’s raining, do cows go up to the farmhouse, “Let us in! We’re all wearing leather! Open the door! We’re going to ruin the whole outfit here!”
• And I’ll tell ya, I’m really enjoying this marriage thing. You think about each other. You care about each other. It’s wonderful! Plus, I love saying ‘my wife.’ Once I started saying it, I couldn’t stop – ‘my wife’ this, ‘my wife’ that…it’s an amazing way to begin a sentence.
• This is really a crazy idea, you know. It probably won’t work, but that will be interesting, too. You have to motivate yourself with challenges. That’s how you know you’re still alive. Once you start doing only what you’ve already proven you can do, you’re on the road to death.
• So the first time you hear the concept of Halloween when you’re a kid your brain can’t even process the information. You’re like: “What is this? What did you say?” “What did you say about giving out candy? Who’s giving out candy?” “Everyone that we know is just giving out candy!”
• They seal the subway change-booth guy up inside this thing with bullet-proof glass, closed in on all sides, it’s like some kind of Houdini torture tank of doom. How do you breathe in there? It looks like if you put your hand over the change slot, you could suffocate him in thirty seconds.
• Have you ever noticed that the waiter who takes your order is not the one who brings your food anymore? What is THAT about? And which waiter are you tipping, anyway? I think next time I go to a restaurant I’ll just say, “Oh, sorry, I only eat the food. The guy who pays the bill will be along shortly.”
• A recent survey stated that the average person’s greatest fear is having to give a speech in public. Somehow this ranked even higher than death which was third on the list. So, you’re telling me that at a funeral, most people would rather be the guy in the coffin than have to stand up and give a eulogy.
• Seems to me the basic conflict between men and women, sexually, is that men are like firemen. To men, sex is an emergency, and no matter what we’re doing we can be ready in two minutes. Women, on the other hand, are like fire. They’re very exciting, but the conditions have to be exactly right for it to occur.
• Sometimes you can do certain things on stage, or even in a TV series, and people see the look on your face and they know what you mean, so you can get away with certain things. But if you can’t create that look on an animated character, which is essentially a puppet, the line will hit the audience in a very bad way.
• Why does that pharmacist have to be two and a half feet higher than everybody else? Who the hell is this guy? “Clear out, everybody. I’m working with pills up here. I’m taking them from this big bottle and then I’m gonna put them in the little bottle. That’s my whole job. I can’t be down on the floor with you people.”
• What’s the worst movie you ever saw in the theater? by Caitlin PenzeyMoog, William Hughes, Laura Adamczyk, Alex McLevy, Clayton Purdom, Sam Barsanti, Gwen Ihnat, Sean O’Neal, Esther Zuckerman, Katie Rife, Erik Adams, A.A. Dowd, Josh Modell, Danette Chavez, Kevin Pang, and Nick Wanserski, www.avclub.com. April 14, 2017.
• I’ll tell you one of the great activities is skateboarding. To learn to do a skateboard trick, how many times do you gotta get something wrong til you get it right? …And you hurt yourself, and you learn to do that trick, now you got a life lesson. Every time I see those skateboard kids, I think ‘those kids’ll be alright.’
• Did you ever notice, when you are sitting at a red light, that when the person in front of you pulls up a couple of inches, you are compelled to move up too? Do we really think we are making progress toward our destination? “Whew, I thought we would be late, but now that I am nine inches closer, I can stop for coffee and a danish!”
• Then, finally, the third year, begging the parents, I got the Superman Halloween costume. Cardboard box, self-made top, mask included. Remember the rubber band on the back of that mask? That was a quality item there, wasn’t it? That was good for about 10 seconds before it snapped out of that cheap little staple they put it in there with.
• Cremation has become the most popular form of burial in the United States… People used to want a big, thick granite stone, their names carved into with a chisel. “I was here dammit!” Cremation is like you’re trying to cover up a crime. “Burn the body. Scatter the ashes around. As far as anyone’s concerned this whole thing never happened.”
• Kids don’t say, “Wait.” They say, “Wait up, hey wait up!” Because when you’re little, your life is up. The future is up. Everything you want is up. “Hold up. Shut up! Mum, I’ll clean up. Let me stay up!” Parents, of course, are just the opposite. Everything is down. “Just calm down. Slow down. Come down here! Sit down. Put… that… down.”
• Let’s face it, the human body is like a condominium apartment. The thing that keeps you really enjoying it is the maintenance. There’s a tremendous amount of daily, weekly, monthly and yearly work that has to be done. From showering to open heart surgery, we’re always doing something to ourselves. If your body was a used car, you wouldn’t buy it.
• The best piece of advice I received before I got married was, “Be careful what you say when you’re in a fight, because it could stick in someone’s head.” I don’t think I’ve ever said anything I really regretted. I’m very sympathetic to women. I’ve really studied wife-ology, and I know you’ve got to figure out the feelings. Deal with the feelings.
• What is the story with the airport sinks, that they will not give us a twist-on twist-off human faucet. “Is it that too risky for the human population? We have to do the one-handed pain-in-the-ass Alcatraz-style faucets. “What is it they think we will do? Turn ’em all on full, run out into the parking lot, laughing, pushing each other into the bushes?
• They have the greeting cards with the couples on the front. They photograph them. These hazy focus people. They’re always having picnics. There’s always a tree, a pond… who are these people? I don’t know them. I don’t want them on my card either. What am I going to write inside there anyway? “Here’s another couple having a better relationship than us.”
• I had a parakeet that used to fly around the house and crash into these huge mirrors my mother put in. Ever heard of this interior design principle, that a mirror makes it seem like you have an entire other room? What kind of jerk walks up to a mirror and goes, Hey look, there’s a whole other room in there. There’s a guy that looks just like me in there.
• You know what I never get with the limo? The tinted windows. Is that so people don’t see you? Yeah, what a better way not to have people notice you than taking a thirty foot Cadillac with a TV antenna and a uniformed driver. How discreet. Nobody cares who’s in the limo. You see a limo go by, you know it’s either some rich jerk or fifty prom kids with $1.75 each.
• One day I was watching these construction workers go back to work. I was watching them kind of trudging down the street. It was like a revelation to me. I realized these guys don’t want to go back to work after lunch. But they’re going. That’s their job. If they can exhibit that level of dedication for that job I should be able to do the same. Trudge your ass in.
• The Swiss have an interesting army. Five hundred years without a war. Pretty impressive. Also pretty lucky for them. Ever see that little Swiss Army knife they have to fight with? Not much of a weapon there. Corkscrews, Bottle openers. ‘Come on, buddy, let’s go. You get past me, the guy in back of me, he’s got a spoon. Back off. I’ve got the toe clippers right here.
• I have a friend who’s collecting unemployment insurance. This guy has never worked so hard in his life as he has to keep this thing going. He’s down there every week, waiting on the lines and getting interviewed and making up all these lies about looking for jobs. If they had any idea of the effort and energy that he is expending to avoid work, I’m sure they’d give him a raise.
• Well, birthdays are merely symbolic of how another year has gone by and how little we’ve grown. No matter how desperate we are that someday a better self will emerge, with each flicker of the candles on the cake, we know it’s not to be, that for the rest of our sad, wretched pathetic lives, this is who we are to the bitter end. Inevitably, irrevocably; happy birthday? No such thing.
• The Olympics is my favourite sporting event. Although I have a problem with that silver medal. When you think about it, you win the gold – you feel good, you win the bronze – you think, ‘Well at least I got something’. But when you win silver, it’s like, ‘Congratulations, you ‘almost’ won. Of all the losers, you came in first of that group. You’re the number one ‘loser.’ No one lost ahead of you.
• There are many things you can point to as proof that the human is not smart. But my personal favorite would have to be that we needed to invent the helmet. What was happening, apparently, was that we were involved in a lot of activities that were cracking our heads. We chose not to avoid doing those activities but, instead, to come up with some sort of device to help us enjoy our head-cracking lifestyles.
• Any day you had gym class was a weird school day. It started off normal. You had English, Social Studies, Geometry, then suddenly your in Lord of the Flies for 40 minutes. Your hanging from a rope, you have hardly any clothes on, teachers are yelling at you, kids are throwing dodge balls at you and snapping towels – you’re trying to survive. And then it’s Science,Language, and History. Now that is a weird day.
• The idea behind the tuxedo is the woman’s point of view that men are all the same; so we might as well dress them that way. That’s why a wedding is like the joining together of a beautiful, glowing bride and some guy. The tuxedo is a wedding safety device, created by women because they know that men are undependable. So in case the groom chickens out, everybody just takes one step over, and she marries the next guy.
• The luge is the only Olympic event where you could have people competing in it against their will, and it would look exactly the same. Take people off the street, ‘Hey, hey, hey, what is this?! I don’t wanna be in the luge!’ Once you put that helmet on them, ‘You’re in the luge, buddy!’ ‘aaaAAAaaaAAAaaaAAA… aaaAAAAA…’ World record. Didn’t even wanna do it. I’d like to see that next Olympics, the Involuntary Luge.
• I think the answer is we all need a little help, and the coffee’s a little help with everything — social, energy, don’t know what to do next, don’t know how to start my day, don’t know how to get through this afternoon, don’t know how to stay alert. We want to do a lot of stuff; we’re not in great shape. We didn’t get a good night’s sleep. We’re a little depressed. Coffee solves all these problems in one delightful little cup.
• I was in front of an ambulance the other day, and I noticed that the word ambulance was spelled in reverse print on the hood of the ambulance. And I thought, Well, isn’t that clever. I look in the rear-view mirror; I can read the word ambulance behind me. Of course while you’re reading, you don’t see where you’re going, you crash. You need an ambulance. I think they’re trying to drum up some business on the way back from lunch.
• A dog will stay stupid. That’s why we love them so much. The entire time we know them, they’re idiots. Think of your dog. Every time you come home, he thinks it’s amazing. He has no idea how you accomplish this every day. You walk in the door; the joy of this experience overwhelms him. He looks at you, He’s back. It’s that guy, that same guy. He can’t believe it. Everything is amazing to your dog. Another can of food? I don’t believe it.
• Life is truly a ride. We’re all strapped in and no one can stop it. When the doctor slaps your behind, he’s ripping your ticket and away you go. As you make each passage from youth to adulthood to maturity, sometimes you put your arms up and scream, sometimes you just hang on to that bar in front of you. But the ride is the thing. I think the most you can hope for at the end of life is that your hair’s messed, you’re out of breath, and you didn’t throw up.
• Why is commitment such a big problem for a man? I think that for some reason when a man is driving down that freeway of love, the woman he’s with is like an exit, but he doesn’t want to get off there. He wants to keep driving. And the woman is like, “Look, gas, food, lodging, that’s our exit, that’s everything we need to be happy… Get off here, now!” But the man is focusing on the sign underneath that says, “Next exit 27 miles,” and he thinks, “I can make it.”
• We know the product is going to stink. We know that because we live in the world, and we know that everything stinks. We all believe, Hey, maybe this one wont stink. We are a hopeful species. Stupid but hopeful. But were happy in that moment between the commercial and the purchase. And I think spending your life trying to dupe innocent people out of hard-won earnings to buy useless, low-quality, misrepresented items and services is an excellent use of your energy.
• Why is McDonalds still counting? How insecure is this company? 40 million, 80 billion million jillion killion tillion… who cares? Is anyone really impressed by that any more? Ooh, 89 billion sold? All right, I’ll have one! I’m satisfied! I’d like to tell the CEO of McDonalds, “Look. We all get it, okay? You’ve sold a lot of hamburgers. Whatever the number is, just put up a sign, ‘McDonalds: We’re Doing Very Well.’ We are tired of hearing about every goddamn one of them.”
• Some of the events in the Olympics don’t make sense to me. I don’t understand the connection to any reality… Like in the Winter Olympics they have that biathlon that combines cross-country skiing with shooting a gun. How many alpine snipers are into this? Ski, shoot a gun… ski, bang, bang, bang… It’s like combining swimming and strangling a guy. Why don’t we have that? That makes absolutely as much sense to me. Just put people in the pool at the end of each lane for the swimmers.
• With any kind of physical test, I don’t know what it is, I always seem to get competitive. Remember when you were in school and they’d do those hearing tests? And you’d really be listening hard, you know? I wanted to do unbelievable on the hearing test. I wanted them to come over to me after and go, ‘We think you may have something close to super-hearing. What you heard was a cotton ball touching a piece of felt. We’re sending the results to Washington, we’d like you to meet the President.’
• What causes homophobia? What is it that makes the heterosexual man worry about this? I think it’s because deep down all men know that we have weak sales resistance. We’re constantly buying shoes that hurt us, pants that don’t fit right. Men think, ‘Obviously I can be talked into anything. What if I accidentally wander into some sort of homosexual store thinking it’s a shoe store and the salesmen says, ‘Just hold this guy’s hand, walk around a little bit, see how it feels. No obligation, no pressure, just try it.’

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Quotes from The Seinfeld show

• Elaine: Can you die from an odour? I mean, like if you were locked in a vomitorium for two weeks, could you actually die from the odour?
• Elaine: What evidence is there that cats are so smart, anyway? Huh? What do they do? Because they’re clean? I am sorry. My Uncle Pete showers four times a day and he can’t count to ten. So don’t give me hygiene. Seinfeld TV show
• Elaine: Ugh, I hate people. Jerry: Yeah, they’re the worst. Seinfeld TV show
• George on the benefits of mental institutions: “I should be in a place like this. You get to wear slippers all day. Friends visit. They pity you. Pity is very underrated. I like it, it’s good. Plus, they give you those word association tests. I love those. Seinfeld TV show
• George, on women wanting ‘bad boys’: “Why is nice bad? What kind of a sick society are we living in when nice is bad?” Seinfeld TV show
• George: Divorce is very difficult. Especially on a kid. Of course, I’m the result of my parents having stayed together, so you never know. Seinfeld TV show
• George: Don’t insult me, my friend. Remember who you’re talking to. No one’s a bigger idiot than me. Seinfeld TV show
• George: Hey believe me, baldness will catch on. When the aliens come, who do you think they’re gonna relate to? Who do you think is going to be the first ones getting a tour of the ship? Seinfeld TV show
• George: I can’t die with dignity. I have no dignity. I want to be the one person who doesn’t die with dignity. I live my whole life in shame. Why should I die with dignity? Seinfeld TV show
• George: I can’t stand kids. Adults think it’s so wonderful how honest kids are. I don’t need that kind of honesty. I’ll take a deceptive adult over an honest kid any day. Seinfeld TV show
• George: I can’t carry a pen. I’m afraid I’ll puncture my scrotum. Seinfeld TV show
• George: I love a good nap. Sometimes it’s the only thing getting me out of bed in the morning. Seinfeld TV show
• George: I think if one’s going to kill oneself, the least you could do is leave a note—it’s common courtesy. I don’t know, that’s just the way I was brought up. Seinfeld TV show
• George: I will never understand the bathrooms in this country. Why is it that the doors on the stalls do not come all the way down to the floor? Seinfeld TV show
• George: I’d rather be dating the . You know you could let the house go. You could let yourself go. A good-looking blind woman doesn’t even know you’re not good enough for her. Seinfeld TV show
• George: I’m much more comfortable criticizing people behind their backs. Seinfeld TV show
• George: This woman hates me so much, I’m starting to like her. Seinfeld TV show
• George: What am I scared of? I’m scared of the same thing that you are, everything. Seinfeld TV show
• George: Yeah, I’m a great quitter. It’s one of the few things I do well. I come from a long line of quitters. My father was a quitter, my grandfather was a quitter. I was raised to give up. Seinfeld TV show
• George: “I gotta call Elaine.”Jerry: “She’s out.”George: “Oh, yeah. The blind date.”Jerry: “They call it a ‘setup’, now. I guess the blind people don’t like being associated with all those losers.” Seinfeld TV show
• George: “She calls me up at my office. She says, ‘We have to talk.’”Jerry: “Ugh. The four worst words in the English language.”George: “That or ‘Whose bra is this?’”Jerry: “That’s worse.” Seinfeld TV show
• George: “You’re gonna over-dry your laundry.”Jerry: “You can’t over-dry.”George: “Why not?”Jerry: “Same reason you can’t over-wet.” Seinfeld TV show
• George: “Why do they make the condom packets so hard to open?” Jerry: “Probably to give the woman a chance to change her mind.” Seinfeld TV show
• George: I’ve never assisted in a birth before. It’s really quite disgusting. Seinfeld TV show
• Jerry, on bad food choices: “Salad! What was I thinking? Women don’t respect salad eaters.” Seinfeld TV show
• Jerry, on public displays of affection: “People on dates shouldn’t even be allowed out in public.” Seinfeld TV show
• Jerry: “This isn’t a good time.”Telemarketer: “When would be a good time to call back, sir?”Jerry: “I have an idea, why don’t you give me your home number and I’ll call you back later?”Telemarketer: “Umm, we’re not allowed to do that.”Jerry: “Oh, I guess because you don’t want strangers calling you at home. Well, now you know how I feel.” Seinfeld TV show
• Jerry: “You’re on a desert island, you can bring five books. Which five do you take?” George: “I gotta read five books?” Seinfeld TV show
• Kramer, on cultural differences: “See, here, you’re just another apple, but in Japan, you’re an exotic fruit. Like an orange. Which is rare there. Seinfeld TV show
• Kramer, on male self-pleasure: “We have to do it. It’s part of our lifestyle. It’s like, uh… shaving.” Seinfeld TV show
• Kramer: Moles — freckles’ ugly cousin. Seinfeld TV show
• Kramer: Oh, understudies are a very shifty bunch. The substitute teachers of the theatre world. Seinfeld TV show
• Kramer: They don’t have a decent piece of fruit at the supermarket. The apples are mealy, the oranges are dry. I don’t know what’s going on with the papayas! Seinfeld TV show
• Kramer: You know what would make a great coffee table book? A coffee table book about coffee tables! Seinfeld TV show
• Kramer: “You’re wasting your life.”George: “I am not. What you call wasting, I call living. I’m living my life.”Kramer: “OK, like what? No, tell me. Do you have a job?”George: “No.”Kramer: “You got money?”George: “No.”Kramer: “Do you have any action at all?”George: “No.”Kramer: “Do you have any conceivable reason for even getting up in the morning?”George: “I like to get the Daily News.” Seinfeld TV show
• Kramer: “You wouldn’t last a day in the army!” Jerry: “Well how long did you last?” Kramer: “Well, that’s classified.” Seinfeld TV show
• Kramer: Boxers! How do you wear these things!! They’re baggin’ up, they’re rising in! And there’s nothing holding me in place! I’m flippin’! I’m floppin’! Seinfeld TV show
• Kramer: You know, I got a great idea for a cologne. ‘The Beach’. You spray it on and you smell like you just came home from the beach. Seinfeld TV show