The quotes for this author need curating
We’d love for you to do it. If you’re not yet registered as a curator, you’ll first need to do so.
Mitch Hedberg (quotes)
- Why are there no “during” pictures?
- I can read minds, but I’m illiterate.
- Dogs are forever in the pushup position.
- I remixed a remix, it was back to normal.
- A sleeping bag is a tortilla for a human.
- A snake bite emergency kit is a body bag.
- Waffles are like pancakes with syrup traps
- It’s hard to fight when you’re in a gazebo.
- A burrito is a sleeping bag for ground beef.
- I’d hate to be a giraffe with a sore throat.
- I think pickles are cucumbers that sold out.
- Bologna is a deli meat for people with eyes.
- A burrito is a sleeping bag for ground beef!
- A waffle is like a pancake with a syrup trap.
- Well, that’s a ‘fresher’. I’m going on break.
- Every picture of you is when you were younger.
- I’m an ice sculptor. Last night I made a cube.
- No, I was just good at holding ice cream cones.
- A severed foot is the ultimate stocking stuffer.
- My girlfriend works at Hooters. In the kitchen.
- I can’t eat spaghetti. There’s too many of them.
- I got an ant farm; them fellas didn’t grow sh*t.
- A snake bite emergency repair kit is a body bag.
- I think Big Foot is blurry, that’s the problem.
- I tried to throw a yo-yo away. It was impossible.
- Live album: Mitch All Together””. December 9, 2003.
- I have no problem not listening to the Temptations.
- I used to do drugs. I still do, but I used to, too.
- Every book is a children’s book if the kid can read!
- Fettucini alfredo is macaroni and cheese for adults.
- I like Kit-Kat, unless I’m with four or more people.
- If carrots got you drunk, rabbits would be messed-up.
- A lollipop is a cross between hard candy and garbage.
- Why is Cloud 9 so amazing? What is wrong with Cloud 8?
- I got binoculars ’cause I don’t want to go that close.
- All these jokes have been pre-approved as funny by me.
- I’m against picketing, but I don’t know how to show it.
- Onions make me sad. A lot of people don’t realize that.
- I drank some boiling water because I wanted to whistle.
- Snake eyes is a gambling term, and an animal term, too.
- I type 101 words a minute, but it’s in my own language.
- An escalator can never break: it can only become stairs.
- Escalator temporarily stairs. Sorry for the convenience.
- This jacket is dry clean only… which means it’s dirty.
- I used to do drugs. I still do drugs. But I used to, too.
- This shirt is “dry-clean only”… Which means it’s dirty.
- I type a 101 words a minute. But it’s in my own language.
- I drank some boiling water… because I wanted to whistle.
- If 13 is unlucky, then 12 and 14 are guilty by association.
- I wear a necklace, cause I wanna know when I’m upside down.
- If you want to talk to me after the show, I’d be surprised.
- Live album: Strategic Grill Locations””. September 7, 1999.
- My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.
- I used to be a hot-tar roofer. Yeah, I remember that… day.
- I am wearing a vest. If I had no arms, it would be a jacket.
- I can read minds. But it’s pointless because I’m illiterate.
- I haven’t slept for ten days, because that would be too long.
- I think foosball is a combination of soccer and shish kabobs.
- Mitch”, but then reattach it and call it “Mitch-all-together.
- I don’t wear a watch because I want my arms to weigh the same.
- I can whistle with my fingers, especially if I have a whistle.
- I had a chicken finger that was so big, it was a chicken hand.
- Hey, you know what keeps me from acting? Fuckin’… auditions.
- I haven’t slept for 10 days… because that would be too long.
- If I had nine of my fingers missing I wouldn’t type any slower.
- I ate one anchovy, and that is why I did not eat two anchovies.
- People on the 14th floor, you know what floor you’re really on.
- Is a hippopotamus a hippopotamus or just a really cool opotamus?
- Last time I called shotgun we had rented a limo, so I messed up!
- I gotta idea for sweat shops… air conditioning! Problem solved.
- I like rice. Rice is great if you want to eat 2,000 of something.
- I like vending machines, because snacks are better when they fall.
- I want to ride in a cold air balloon. “This isn’t going anywhere!”
- I tried to freshen up a room, so I held a Certs in front of a fan.
- I went to a tent store. “What kind of tent do you need?” “Circus.”
- If I had nine of my fingers missing… I wouldn’t type any slower.
- I know people who believe in ghosts but don’t believe in themselves.
- I wish I could play little league now. I’d be way better than before.
- If you are flammable and have legs, you are not blocking a fire exit.
- Alcoholism is the only disease that you can get yelled at for having.
- Because of acid, I now know that butter is way better than margarine.
- I wear a necklace now… because I like to know when I’m upside down.
- Sometimes I get really lonely. Especially when I’m throwing a Frisbee.
- Swiss Cheese is a rip-off It’s the only cheese I can bite into and miss
- I like wearing necklaces, because it lets me know when I’m upside down.
- When you put Listerine in your mouth, it hurts. Germs do not go quietly.
- I put fruit on top of my waffles, because I want something to brush off.
- Here’s a thought for sweat shop owners: Air Conditioning. Problem solved.
- I think animal crackers make people think that all animals taste the same.
- I had the cab driver drive me here backwards, and the dude owed me $27.50.
- I bought myself a parrot, but it did not say “I’m hungry”, and so it died.
- If my kid couldn’t draw I’d make sure that my kitchen magnets didn’t work.
- I’d like to get four people who do cart wheels very good, and make a cart.
- I saw this wino, he was eating grapes. It’s like, “Dude, you have to wait.”
- I saw this wino, he was eating grapes. I was like, “Dude, you have to wait”.
- Pibb is a poor imitation of Dr. Pepper. Dude didn’t even get his degree.
- I’m not into sports. I mean…I like Gatorade, but that’s as far as it goes.
- I like to take a toothpick and throw it in the forest and say “You’re home!”
- I would imagine the inside of a bottle of cleaning fluid… is fuckin’ clean.
- I once saw a forklift lift a crate of forks. And it was way to literal for me.
- I’m gonna fix that last joke by taking out all the words and adding new ones.
- Well, I was lost but now I live here! I have severely improved my predicament!
- I saw a human pyramid once. It was very unnecessary. It did not need to exist.
- I cannot tell you what hotel I’m staying at, but there are two trees involved.
- That would be cool if you lived with a monster… you would never get hiccups!
- I like the Fed Ex driver because he’s a drug dealer and he don’t even know it.
- I’m a hard act to follow, because when I’m done, I take the microphone with me.
- I’m a heroine addict… I need to have sex with women who saved someone’s life.
- Rice is great if you’re really hungry and want to eat two thousand of something.
- I wanted to buy a candle holder, but the store didn’t have one. So I got a cake.
- When I was a boy, I laid in my twin-sized bed and wondered where my brother was.
- I was going to get my teeth whitened, but I said, “I’ll just get a tan instead.”
- One time I was forced to go to the doctors because of a sports accident. Herpes.
- If you have to release bad news to the public, it would help if you are not ugly.
- If you can’t sleep, count sheep. Don’t count endangered animals. You will run out.
- I’m a heroine addict. I need to have sex with women who have saved someone’s life.
- When someone hands you a flyer, it’s like they’re saying here you throw this away.
- I got two stools, in case I want to sit down and sit down again on something else.
- I don’t have a microwave oven, but I do have a clock that occasionally cooks shit.
- I don’t have a microwave oven, but I do have a clock that occasionally cooks stuff.
- I’m into carpooling, because sometimes my car gets hot and needs to refresh itself.
- What am I drinking? NyQuil on the rocks, for when you’re feeling sick but sociable.
- I would like it if four people did a cartwheel all at once… so I can make a cart.
- I don’t have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who’d be mad at me for saying that.
- S. – This is what part of the alphabet would look like if Q and R were eliminated.
- I bought a seven-dollar pen because I always lose pens and I got sick of not caring.
- I had my palm read. I wrote something on it first to see if she would read that too.
- I met this girl, she was an actress, and she gave me her number. It started with 555.
- If you’re a fish and you want to be a fish-stick, you have to have very good posture.
- It’s weird… people say they’re not like apes. Now how do you explain football then?
- I find a duck’s opinion of me is very much influenced by whether or not I have bread.
- I got my hair highlighted because I felt some strands were more important than others.
- If I had a dollar for every time I said that, I’d be making money in a very weird way.
- I want to be a rebellious McDonald’s owner. Cheeseburgers… NOPE… we got spaghetti!
- A fly was very close to being called a land, because that’s what it does half the time.
- I got a smoke alarm at home, but really it’s more like a 9-volt-battery-slowly-drainer.
- I want to make a vending machine that sells vending machines. It’d have to be real big.
- Cavities are made by sugar. So if you need to dig a hole, then lay down some candy bars!
- A fly was very close to being called a “land” because that’s what it does half the time.
- I ran some Evian water through a filter… the shit disappeared! It was so fuckin’ pure.
- 2-in-1 is a stupid term, because 1 is not big enough to hold 2. That’s why 2 was created.
- If you have dentures, do not use artificial sweeteners because you will get a fake cavity.
- If you’re a fish, and you want to become a fish stick, you have to have very good posture.
- Making Maps, Second Edition by John Krygier, Denis Wood, The Guilford Press, (p. 58), 2011.
- I bought myself a parrot, the parrot talked, but it did not say “I’m hungry”… so it died.
- I would imagine that if you could understand Morse code, a tap dancer would drive you crazy.
- I saw a seagull hanging out by a lake, but I said, “Don’t worry, Dude. I won’t say anything.”
- I had a paper route when I was a kid. I was supposed to go to 2,000 houses. Or two dumpsters.
- I love blackjack. But I’m not addicted to gambling. I’m addicted to sitting in a semi circle.
- I was gonna have my teeth whitened, but then I said, “Fuck that, I’ll just get a tan instead.
- I played golf… I did not get a hole in one, but I did hit a guy. That’s way more satisfying.
- I played in a death-metal band. People either loved us or hated us. Or they thought we were OK.
- I’ve got a wallet, it’s orange. In case I wanna buy a deer. That doesn’t make any sense at all.
- If you find yourself lost in the woods, build a house. “Well, I was lost, but now I live here!”
- I wanted to get a tape recorder, but I got a parrot instead. I think I did that joke backwards.
- I don’t have a girlfriend. I just know a girl who would get really mad if she heard me say that.
- Yeah, I’m not into sports. If someone told me I had athlete’s foot, I’d say that’s not my foot!
- I love my fed-ex guy cause he’s a drug dealer and he don’t even know it…and he’s always on time.
- I got some tartar-control toothpaste a while back. I’ve still got tartar, but it’s under control.
- I got a king-sized bed. I don’t know any kings, but if one came over, I guess he’d be comfortable.
- Live album: “Mitch All Together”. Track 3 “Not Track Five, Not Chainsaw Juggler”, December 9, 2003.
- I have a few cavities. I don’t like to call ’em cavities. I like to call ’em “places to put stuff.”
- The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how good I get, I’ll never be as good as a wall.
- It’s hard to dance if you just lost your wallet. Whoa Where’s my wallet But, hey this song is funky.
- I like to play blackjack. I’m not addicting to gambling… I’m addicting to sitting in a semicircle.
- I hate flossing, I wish I just had one long curvy tooth. They didn’t have to make separations for me.
- I got a king size bed. I don’t know any kings, but if one came over, I guess he would be comfortable.
- I want to get non-aerosol mace, you just rub it in. “Dude who is attacking me – come a little closer!”
- I think pickles are cucumbers that sold out. They sold their soul to the devil, and the devil is dill.
- I played in a death metal band. People either loved us or they hated us… or they thought we were OK.
- I went to a record store, they said they specialized in hard-to-find records. Nothing was alphabetized!
- I can’t wait to get off the stage, because I’ve got some LifeSavers in my pocket and pineapple is next!
- I recently took up ice sculpting. Last night I made an ice cube. This morning I made 12, I was prolific.
- I don’t like grouper fish. Well, they’re okay. They hang around star fish. Because they’re grouper fish.
- I’m sick of Soup Of The Day, man. It’s time we make a decision. I need to know what Soup From Now On is.
- I’ve always wanted to have a suitcase handcuffed to my wrist. That’s not a full joke there! It’s filler.
- Y’know, you can’t please all the people all the time… and last night, all those people were at my show.
- My friend asked me if I wanted a frozen banana. I said ‘No, but I want a regular banana later, so… yeah.’
- They say the recipe for Sprite is lemon and lime. I tried to make it at home. There’s more to it than that.
- I saw on HBO they were advertising a boxing match “It’s a fight to the finish”. That’s a good place to end.
- The commercial for Diet Dr. Pepper says it tastes just like regular Dr. Pepper. Well, then they screwed up!
- Sometimes I fall asleep at night with my clothes on. I’m going to have all my clothes made out of blankets.
- I saw a guy juggling chain saws, it was cool, unless something needed to be sawed down, then it’s annoying.
- I know a lot about cars, man. I can look at any car’s headlights and tell you exactly which way it’s coming.
- I’m sick of following my dreams. I’m just going to ask them where they’re goin’, and hook up with them later.
- I wish they made fajita cologne, because that stuff smells good. What’s that you’re wearing? That’s sizzlin’!
- The thing that’s depressing about tennis is that no matter how good I get, I will never be as good as a wall.
- You should never tell someone they have a nice dimple, because maybe they were shot in the face with a BB gun.
- If you drink O’Douls, you don’t drink; but if you drink 20 O’Douls in a half hour, then you’re a non-alcoholic.
- My manager said, “Don’t use liquor as a crutch!” I can’t use liquor as a crutch, because a crutch helps me walk.
- I went to a restaurant with my friend, and he said, “Pass the salt.” I said, “Screw you! Sit closer to the salt.”
- I had a paper route when I was a kid. I was a paperboy. I was supposed to go to 2,000 houses… or two dumpsters.
- I like rice. Rice is great if you’re hungry and want 2000 of something picketing, but I don’t know how to show it.
- You know, I’m sick of following my dreams, man. I’m just gonna ask where they’re going and hook up with ’em later.
- I tried to walk into Target, but I missed. I think the entrance to Target should have people splattered all around.
- XM radio doesn’t have commercials, so after about thirty minutes of listening to it, I’m like, “What should I buy?”
- Every time I go and shave, I assume there’s someone else on the planet shaving. So I say, ‘I’m gonna go shave, too.’
- I would like to go fishing and catch a fish stick. That would be convenient. I could easily get a job at Mrs. Paul’s.
- I had to take a physical to do this show. They had a lot of weird questions like, “Have you ever tried sugar or PCP?”
- I spilled some vodka on the carpet, and I vacuumed it up, and the vacuum got drunk. I had to take the Hoover to detox.
- If Spiderman was real, and I was a criminal, and he shot me with his web, I would say, “Dude, thanks for the hammock.”
- It’s very dangerous to wave to people you don’t know because what if they don’t have hands? They’ll think you’re cocky.
- Kittens play with yarn, they bat it around. What they’re really doing is saying, “I can’t knit, get this away from me!”
- I would imagine the inside of a bottle of cleaning fluid is really clean. I would imagine a vodka bottle is really drunk.
- I like to smoke a pipe, because it’s the punch line indicator. Whenever I take a hit of the pipe, you should be laughing.
- When you open the elevator on the top floor of a building and the other guy doesn’t get out, something is seriously wrong.
- I went to the store and bought eight apples; the clerk said, “Do you want these in a bag?” I said, “Oh, no, man, I juggle.”
- I didn’t go to college, but if I did, I would’ve taken all my tests at a restaurant, ’cause ‘The customer is always right’.
- I went to a cigar store, the man behind the counter asked me, “What kind of cigars do you like?” I answered, “It’s a Boys.”
- When I was on acid, I would see things like beams of light and I would hear sounds that sounded an awful lot like car horns.
- I’d like to see a forklift lift a crate of forks. It’d be so damn literal! You are using that machine to it’s exact purpose!
- Comedy clubs have brick walls behind the performer. Bricks make you funny. When I’m in front of a fireplace, I’m hilarious.
- I was in a convenience store, reading a magazine. The clerk told me, “this is not a library!” “OK! I will talk louder, then!”
- If I was a mechanic and someone called me and said their car would not start, I would say, “Hey – maybe a killer is after you!”
- I miss the $2 bill, ’cause I can break a two. $20, no. $10, no. $5, maybe, $2? Oh yeah. What do you need, a one and another one?
- Why is Cloud 9 so amazing? What is wrong with Cloud 8? That joke came off the top of my head, and the top of my head ain’t funny!
- I like to hold the microphone cord like this, I pinch it together, then I let it go, then you hear a whole bunch of jokes at once.
- I went to the airport, I put my bag in the x-ray machine, I found out my bag has cancer. It only has six more months to hold stuff.
- I rented a car. I didn’t really need one, I just wanted to make one less available. I wanted one businessman on the bus with no car.
- My belt holds my pants up, but the belt loops hold my belt up. I don’t really know what’s happening down there. Who is the real hero?
- I read that MTV’s Real World got 40,000 applications. That’s amazing, such an even number. You would have thought it would be 40,008.
- I sometimes close my eyes during a show because I have drawn a picture of an audience enjoying the show more on the back of my eyelids.
- One time a guy handed me a picture, he said “Here’s a picture of me when I was younger.” Every picture of you is when you were younger.
- I want to rob a bank with a BB gun. “Give me all your money or I will give you a dimple! I will be rich, you will be cute. We both win.”
- If you had a friend who was a tightrope walker, and you were walking down a sidewalk, and he fell, that would be completely unacceptable.
- People who smoke cigarettes, they say “You don’t know how hard it is to quit smoking.” Yes I do. It’s as hard as it is to start flossing.
- Do you think I am standing here, making this up as I go? I am sorry to disillusion you. I am not Robin Williams. I am the king of the pen.
- I have an idea for sweatshops: air conditioning! That’s simple. 14 year old boys working twelve hour days? “Yeah, but they’re comfortable!”
- My lucky number is four billion. That doesn’t come in real handy when you’re gambling. “Come on, four billion. Fuck. Seven. Not even close.
- My hotel doesn’t have a 13th floor because of superstition. But, c’mon man, people on the 14th floor, you know what floor you’re really on.
- I got an ant farm. Them fellas didn’t grow anything. Hey, how about some celery? Plus, if I tore your legs off, you would look like snowmen.
- I hate arrows. They try to tell me which direction to go. It’s like “I ain’t going that way, line with two thirds of a triangle on the end!”
- I want to get a job naming kitchen appliances. That seems easy; refrigerator, toaster, blender. You just say what the thing does and add “er”.
- I’ve never been to a hotel with a rotating restaurant on top, but one time I took my girlfriend to a merry-go-round, and I gave her a burrito.
- We’re gonna have to sweeten some of these jokes for the CD. You know what sweeten means, right? Sweeten is a show-biz term for “add sugar to”.
- I have a roommate, and I signed a year lease. I screwed up! That’s like I wrote a joke that didn’t work, but now I have to tell it for a year.
- The Kit Kat candy bar has the name Kit Kat imprinted into the chocolate. That robs you of chocolate! That’s a clever chocolate-saving technique.
- I used to drink wine. This girl asked me, “Doesn’t wine give you a headache?” “Yeah, eventually, but the first and the middle part are amazing!”
- I want to get a vending machine, with fun sized candy bars, and the glass in front is a magnifying glass. You’ll be mad, but it will be too late.
- I did a radio interview; the DJ’s first question was “Who are you?” I had to think. Is this guy really deep, or did I drive to the wrong station?
- People teach their dogs to sit; it’s a trick. I’ve been sitting my whole life, and a dog has never looked at me as though he thought I was tricky.
- I got into an argument with a girlfriend inside of a tent. That’s a bad place for an argument. Because then I tried to walk out and slam the flap.
- I got in an argument with a girlfriend inside of a tent. That’s a bad place for an argument, because I tried to walk out, and had to slam the flap.
- People ask me for my autograph after a show. I’m not famous, I think they’re messing with me. I think they’re trying to make me late for something.
- If a drink was ice cold, it would be impossible to drink. Because it would be solid. Here’s a drink, Mitch – it’s ice cold. I guess I could lick it.
- When you go to a bar that has a black light, everybody looks cool. Except for me, because I was under the impression that the mustard stain came out.
- I wrote my friend a letter using a highlighting pen. But he could not read it, he thought I was trying to show him certain parts of a piece of paper.
- I don’t want to have my face on the cover of a Wheaties box. I wanna have my face on the cover of a Rice Krispies box. “Snap, Krackle, Mitch and Pop”!
- I was in a park and I saw a kid flying a kite and he was so excited that his kite was in the sky. I don’t know why, that’s what they’re supposed to do.
- I hate dreaming because when you want to sleep, you want to sleep. Dreaming is work. Next thing you know, I have to build a go-cart with my ex-landlord.
- I tried to have a cookie, and this girl said, “I’m mailing those cookies to my friend.” So I couldn’t have one. You shouldn’t make cookies untouchable.
- I have a “Do Not Disturb” sign on my hotel door. It’s time to go to “Don’t Disturb”. It’s been “Do Not” for too long. We should embrace the contraction.
- If you’re watching a parade, don’t follow it. It never changes. If the parade is boring, run in the opposite direction. You will fast-forward the parade.
- I have an underwater camera just in case I crash my car into a river, and at the last minute I see a photo opportunity of a fish that I have never seen.
- I have a Sharpie. I love Sharpies. You know what they say on them? Not for letter writing. That sucks. Now I have to communicate with my dad using numbers.
- .. I can’t eat spaghetti, there’s too many of them. No matter how hungry I am, 1,000 of something is too many. I’ll have 1,000 pieces of noodles.
- That would be cool if the earth’s crust was made out of graham cracker. It would disappear just like the ozone layer, but for completely different reasons.
- I heard a guy tell me he liked cherries. I waited to hear if he was going to say “tomatoes”, then I realized he like cherries just. That joke is ridiculous.
- My roommate says, “I’m going to take a shower and shave. Does anyone need to use the bathroom?” It’s like some weird quiz where he reveals the answer first.
- I got a hotel room at New York New York in Las Vegas and I was very happy. They’ve got that rollercoaster encircling the entire premises, just like Manhattan.
- I don’t have any children, but if I had a baby, I would have to name it, so I would get a baby-naming book. Or I would invite somebody over who had a cast on.
- My lucky number is four billion. That doesn’t come in real handy when you’re gambling. “Come on, four billion! Darn! Seven. Not even close. I need more dice.”
- Wearing a turtleneck is like being strangled by a really weak guy, all day. Wearing a backpack and a turtleneck is like a weak midget trying to bring you down.
- I thought my teeth were white until I washed my face with Noxzema. My teeth are off-white. I’m not even white. I’m off-white. It’s a new race; we will prevail!
- My sister wanted to be an actress, but she never made it. She does live in a trailer. She got halfway. She’s an actress, she just never gets called to the set.
- I had a Velcro wallet in a casino. That sound annoyed the hell out of me. Whenever I lost money, and I opened the wallet, it was like the sound of my addiction.
- Knock on wood is a saying for good luck. I think that started when someone went to someone’s door to see if someone was home. “I hope Joe’s home, knock on wood!”
- I was booked into the Riviera Hotel in Las Vegas with three other comedians. We all were using the Riviera in-house shampoo, so we all had equal shine and bounce.
- The only way I could get my old CD into stores is if I took one in and leave it. “Sir, you forgot this.” “No, I did not. That is for sale. Please alphabetize it.”
- I met the girl who works at the Doubletree front desk, she gave me her number. It’s ZERO. I tried to call from here, some other woman answered. “You sound older!”
- You know when they have a fishing show on TV? They catch the fish and then let it go. They don’t want to eat the fish, they just want to make it late for something.
- One time I stayed at a haunted motel. When I checked into my room, there was a sheet on the floor, and I thought it was a ghost that had passed out, so I kicked it.
- If I’m out to dinner with a group of friends, and somebody offers to pay for the check, I immediately reach for my wallet. Inside is a note that says, “Say thanks!”
- I like to wear a “Do Not Disturb” sign around my neck so that little kids can’t tell me knock-knock jokes. “Hey, how ya doin’? Knock-knock.” “Read the sign, punk!”
- I like refried beans. That’s why I wanna try fried beans, because maybe they’re just as good and we’re just wasting time. You don’t have to fry them again after all.
- So, I sit at the hotel at night and I think of something that’s funny. Or, If the pen is too far away, I have to convince myself that what I thought of wasn’t funny.
- I was going to stay overnight at my friend’s house – he said, “you’ll have to sleep on the floor.” Damn gravity! You don’t know how bad I wanted to sleep on the wall.
- I bought a scratch off lottery ticket, but then I accidentally spilled calamine lotion on it, so it did not need to be scratched. Shoot! I will not know if I have won!
- I would not want to be a mobile home repo man. Those would be hard to sneak away – “Knock knock – Hi, would you go cut your grass and look that way for a half an hour?”
- My friend said to me, You know what I like? Mashed potatoes. I was like, Dude, you have to give me time to guess. If you’re going to quiz me you have to insert a pause.
- Acid was my favorite drug. Acid opened up my mind, it expanded my mind. Because of acid, I now know that butter is way better than margarine. I saw through the bullshit.
- I make myself a bowl of instant oatmeal, and then I don’t do anything for an hour. Why do I need the instant oatmeal? I could get the regular oatmeal and feel productive.
- Look at the limes in this drink, how they float. That’s good news. Next time I’m on a boat, and it capsizes, I will reach for a lime. I’m saved by the buoyancy of citrus.
- Chicago is known as the Windy City, and Montana is called the Big Sky State, so I think that we should somehow combine the two to create the ultimate kite-flying experience.
- Magicians disappear all the time, but as soon as a regular person does it, everyone is all scared. “Tom’s gone!” “Is he a magician?” “No.” “Then let’s print up some flyers!”
- They could take sesame seeds off the market and I wouldn’t even care. I can’t imagine 5 years from now saying, “Remember sesame seeds? What happened? All the buns are blank!”
- I use the word totally too much. I need to change it up and use a word that is different but has the same meaning. Mitch do you like submarine sandwiches? All-encompassingly.
- I wish my name was Brian because maybe sometimes people would misspell my name and call me Brain. That’s like a free compliment and you don’t even gotta be smart to notice it.
- I used to buy a lot of M&Ms; they’re a delicious candy. But then I switched to aspirin. I find if you hand your friend two aspirin, he doesn’t look at you like you’re selfish.
- I like vending machines, because snacks are better when they fall. If I buy a candy bar at the store, oftentimes I will drop it so that is achieves its maximum flavor potential.
- I had a stick of CareFree gum, but it didn’t work. I felt pretty good while I was blowing that bubble, but as soon as the gum lost its flavor, I was back to pondering my mortality.
- I’ve never stayed at a bed and breakfast. If I did, I figure you would start to get hungry! “Is that all you got around here? Well, maybe you can direct me to a chair lunch dinner.”
- I play the guitar. I taught myself how to play the guitar, which was a bad decision… because I didn’t know how to play it, so I was a shitty teacher. I would never have went to me.
- An escalator can never break: it can only become stairs. You should never see an Escalator Temporarily Out Of Order sign, just Escalator Temporarily Stairs. Sorry for the convenience.
- I like the public hot-tub at the hotels. I like when a guy is already in there, I say, “Hey, do you mind if I join you?” Then I go turn the heat up, and I add some carrots and onions.
- I wrote a script, and I gave it to a guy who reads scripts, and he read it, and he liked it, but he said he thinks I ought to re-write it. I said, “Fuck that – I’ll just make a copy!”
- When it comes to racism, you hear people say, “I don’t care if people are white, black, purple or green.” Hold on, now, purple or green? Come on now, you gotta draw the line somewhere.
- If I was a locksmith, I’d be pimping that out man. I’ll trade you a free key duplication for. That joke made me laugh before I could finish it, which is good, because it had no ending.
- I don’t get the regular AIDS test anymore. I get the roundabout AIDS test. I ask my friend Brian, “Do you know anybody who has AIDS?”. He says, “No”. I say, “Cool, because you know me.”
- I called the hotel operator and she said, “How can I direct your call?” I said, “Well, you could say ‘Action!’, and I’ll begin to dial. And when I say ‘Goodbye’, then you can yell ‘Cut!'”
- I don’t know how to fix a car. If my car breaks down and the gas tank does not say “E”, I’m fucked… But if the gas tank says “E” I get all cocky. “I got this one, don’t worry about it.”
- I like cottage cheese. That’s why I want to try other dwelling cheeses, too. How about studio apartment cheese? Tent cheese? Mobile home cheese? Do not eat mobile home cheese in a tornado.
- I have a few cavities. I don’t like to call them cavities, though – I like to call them ‘places to put stuff’. ‘Do you know where I can store a pea’ ‘Yes, I have some locations available.’
- I know people who believe in ghosts but don’t believe in themselves. It’s kind of sad. Okay you don’t think you’ll ever make it as a musician, but last night you saw a translucent caveman.
- I travel with a boom box. When I get on a plane, I stuff the power cord for the boom box into the battery compartment. From an outsider’s point of view, it looks like I’ve got it all wrong.
- Foosball screwed up my perception of soccer. I though you had to kick the ball and then spin around and around. I can’t do a back flip, much less several simultaneously with two other guys.
- How does a sesame seed stick to a bun? That’s magical. There must be some sesame seed glue out there. Either that or they’re adhesive on one side. Peel off the backing, place it on the bun.
- And then raised. And then beheaded. And then plucked. And then cut up. And then put on a grill. And then put on a bun. Damn, it’s gonna take a while. I don’t have time. Scrambled!
- If you’re watching a parade, make sure you stand in one spot. Don’t follow it. It never changes. And if the parade is boring, run in the opposite direction. You will fast forward the parade.
- If you boat a lot, you’re known as a boating enthusiast. I like to boat, but I just don’t want to ever be referred to as a ‘boating enthusiast’. I hope they call me ‘a guy who likes to boat’.
- Alcoholism is a disease, but it’s the only one you can get yelled at for having. Goddamn it Otto, you are an alcoholic. Goddamn it Otto, you have Lupus… one of those two doesn’t sound right.
- I don’t own a cell phone or a pager. I just hang around everyone I know, all the time. If someone wants to get a hold of me, they just say ‘Mitch,’ and I say ‘what?’ and turn my head slightly.
- When you start out in comedy, or probably in a lot of things, you want it to happen fast. You don’t want to see yourself having to do this for seven years before you start to get some feedback.
- I think we should only get 3 honks a month on the car horn. Then, someone cuts you off, you press the horn, and nothing happens. You’re like, “Crap! I wish I hadn’t seen Ricky on the sidewalk!”
- I had a job interview at an insurance company once, and the lady said ‘Where do you see yourself in five years?’ I said, ‘Celebrating the fifth year anniversary of you asking me this question!’
- This one commercial said, “Forget everything you know about slipcovers.” So I did, and it was a load off of my mind. Then the commercial tried to sell slipcovers, but I didn’t know what they were!
- Imagine if you were a drummer, and you accidentally picked up two magic wands instead of sticks. There you are, keeping the beat, the next thing you know, your bass player turns into a can of soup.
- I have some speakers up here, thank God, because last night I didn’t have them and I was telling jokes and I had no idea which joke I was telling. So I told jokes twice. I even told that one twice.
- A friend said to me, “I think the weather is trippy.” I said, “No, man, it’s not the weather that’s trippy, perhaps it’s the way we perceive it.” And then I realized I just should have said, “Yeah.”
- I went to the Home Depot, which was unnecessary. I need to go to the Apartment Depot. Which is just a big warehouse with a whole lot of people standing around saying “We don’t have to fix anything.”
- Imagine if the headless horseman had a headless horse. That would be chaos. I would think that if you were the headless horseman’s horse, you would be very confused. “I don’t think this dude can see.”
- You know crazy straws – they go all over the place? These straws are sane. They never lost their mind. They say, “we’re going straight to the mouth. That guy who takes a while to get there? He’s crazy.”
- I like those blow-up beds. “This becomes a full size bed in three minutes!” Well, a mattress kicks your ass. Zero seconds. “Yeah, but you can store this thing.” You can store a bed, too – in the bedroom.
- Advil has a candy coating. It’s delicious. Then it says on the bottle, do not have more than two. Then why do they have a candy coating? I cannot help myself. Let me have ten Advil, I have a sweet tooth.
- I like cinnamon rolls, but I don’t always have time to make a pan. That’s why I wish they would sell cinnamon roll incense. After all I’d rather light a stick and have my roommate wake up with false hopes.
- A lot of bands have intense names, like “Rigor Mortis” or “Mortuary”. We weren’t that intense, we called ourselves “Injured”. Later on we changed it to “Acapella” when we were walking out of the pawn shop.
- I want to hang a map of the world in my house. Then I’m gonna put pins into all the locations I’ve traveled to, but first I’m gonna have to travel to the top two corners of the map, so it won’t fall down.
- Onions make me sad, a lot of people don’t realize that. When I’m cutting onions, I’m sad. Because the plight of onions, it’s sad. But people don’t realize I’m actually crying – they think I’m just reacting.
- I wanna hang a map of the world in my house. Then I’m gonna put pins into all the locations that I’ve traveled to. But first, I’m gonna have to travel to the top two corners of the map so it won’t fall down.
- Pepperidge Farm bread. That’s fancy bread. You can tell it’s fancy because it’s wrapped twice. You open it, and it still isn’t open. That’s why I don’t buy it. I don’t need another step between me and toast.
- At my hotel room, my friend came over and asked to use the phone. I said Certainly. He said Do I need to dial 9 I say Yeah. Especially if it’s in the number. You can try four and five back to back real quick.
- On a traffic light green means ‘go’ and yellow means ‘yield’, but on a banana it’s just the opposite. Green means ‘hold on,’ yellow means ‘go ahead,’ and red means, ‘where the hell did you get that banana at?’
- I have a friend who is a juggler. If I’m at his house, I don’t like to take food from him, if it’s in threes. He has three apples left, I guess I can’t have one. I wouldn’t want to screw up his practice routine.
- As a comedian, you have to start the show strong and you have to end the show strong. Those are the two key elements. You can’t be like pancakes. You’re all happy at first, but then by the end, you’re sick of ’em.
- I was walking down the street with my friend and he said ‘I hear music,’ as though there’s any other way to take it in. ‘You’re not special. That’s how I receive it too… I tried to taste it, but it did not work’.
- I went to a restaurant, and I saw a guy wearing a leather jacket, eating a hamburger, drinking a glass of milk. I said, “Dude, you are a cow. The metamorphosis is complete. Don’t fall asleep or I will tip you over!”
- I like escalators, because an escalator can never break; it can only become stairs. There would never be an “Escalator Temporarily Out of Order” sign. Only an “Escalator Temporarily Stairs… Sorry for the Convenience.
- I went to the park and saw this kid flying a kite. The kid was really excited. I don’t know why, that’s what they’re supposed to do. Now if he had had a chair on the other end of that string, I would have been impressed.
- I hate sandwiches at New York delis. Too much meat on the sandwich. It’s like a cow with a cracker on either side. “Would you like anything else with the pastrami sandwich?” “Yeah, a loaf of bread and some other people!”
- I don’t know how to fix a car. If the car breaks down, and the gas tank does not say “E”, I’m screwed. But if the gas tank says “E”, I get all cocky – “I’ve got this one, don’t worry.” So I get out the toolbox AKA wallet.
- Sometimes I wake up and I think I should start wearing a beret, but I don’t do it. One day I’m gonna, though. You bet your ass, I will have a beret on. That’s ridiculous, but it’s true. I always fight with wearing a beret.
- I want to be a race car passenger: just a guy who bugs the driver. Say man, can I turn on the radio? You should slow down. Why do we gotta keep going in circles? Can I put my feet out the window? Man, you really like Tide.
- I like baked potatoes. I don’t have a microwave oven, and it takes forever to bake a potato in a conventional oven. Sometimes I’ll just throw one in there, even if I don’t want one, because by the time it’s done, who knows?
- I’m a mumbler. If I’m walking with a friend, and I say something, he says, “What?” So I say it again, and he says, “What?” Really, it’s just some insignificant stuff I’m saying, but now I’m yelling, “That tree is far away!”
- I think Pringles initial intention was to make tennis balls. But on the day that the rubber was supposed to show up, a big truckload of potatoes arrived. But Pringles is a laid back company. They said, “Screw it. Cut ’em up!”
- I think Bigfoot is blurry, that’s the problem. It’s not the photographer’s fault. Bigfoot is blurry, and that’s extra scary to me. There’s a large, out-of-focus monster roaming the countryside. Run, he’s fuzzy, get out of here.
- I hate turkeys. If you stand in the meat section at the grocery store long enough, you start to get mad at turkeys. There’s turkey ham, turkey bologna, turkey pastrami. Some one needs to tell the turkey, ‘man, just be yourself.’
- Mitch’s Pizzaria… this week’s coupon: unlimited free pizza. Special Note: coupon not good at any of the Mitch’s Pizza locations. Free pizza oven with purchase of a small Coke. Two-for Tuesday: buy one pizza, get one franchise free.
- I write jokes for a living, man. See I sit in my hotel at night, I think of something that’s funny and then I go get a pen and I write it down. Or if the pen’s too far away, I have to convince myself that what I thought of ain’t funny.
- The next time I move I hope I get a real easy phone number, something like 2222222. People will ask, “Mitch, how do I get a hold of you?” I’ll say, “Just press two for a while, when I answer, you’ll know that you’ve pressed two enough.”
- Every McDonald’s commercial ends the same way: Prices and participation may vary. I wanna open a McDonald’s and not participate in anything. I wanna be a stubborn McDonald’s owner. “Cheeseburgers?” “Nope! We got spaghetti, and blankets.”
- I have a cheese-shredder at home, which is its positive name. They don’t call it by its negative name, which is sponge-ruiner. Because I wanted to clean it, but now I have little bits of sponge that would melt easily over tortilla chips.
- There’s a guy in the audience with a distinctive laugh. I hope that guy is miked. The only problem with having a distinctive laugh is I know exactly when that guy isn’t laughing. “Oh, distinctive laugh doesn’t think that joke was funny!”
- I like it when people come to see me again, but you end up playing to that person only. You know there’s other people out there, but you also know that the person who came to see you again is there. You’re like, “I hope he’s happy again.”
- I like it when you buy something and pay with a credit card, they put your credit card on the receipt, but only the last four numbers. Aha! I’m really good at guessing twelve numbers. I can’t guess 16 numbers, so thanks for the assistance!
- Xylophone is spelled with an X. That’s wrong. It should be a Z up front. Next time you spell xylophone, use a Z. If someone says, “That’s wrong!”, you say, “No, it ain’t.” If you think that’s wrong, then you need to have your head Z-rayed.
- I hate dreaming. Because when you wanna sleep, you wanna sleep. Dreaming is work, you know? Like, there I am, laying in my comfortable bed in my hotel room. It’s beautiful. Next thing you know, I have to build a go-kart with my ex landlord.
- I went to a pizzeria. The guy gave me the smallest slice possible. If the pizza was a pie chart with what would you do if you found a million dollars, he gave me the “Donate it to charity” slice. “I’d like to exchange this for the ‘Keep it!'”
- My apartment is infested with koala bars. It’s the cutest infestation ever. Way better than cockroaches. When I turn on the light, a bunch of koala bears scatter. And I don’t want ’em to. I’m like, “Hey, hold on fellas. Let me hold one of you.”
- You got to always take advantage of getting your room cleaned. You may think it’s nice not to have anybody in your room, like your privacy’s not being invaded. But there’s nothing like walking back into a clean room. You’ve got to remember that.
- I don’t wear a watch because I want my arms to weigh the same. So if somebody asks me what time it is, I have to tell them something that is going on. “What time is it, Mitch?” “Uh, that guy is eating a hamburger.” “Shi*, I had to be somewhere…”
- I got some tartar control toothpaste. I still have tartar, but that stuff’s under control. I got so much tartar, I don’t have to dip my fish sticks in anything. That’s actually kind of gross. After that joke, I have to clarify that I’m just joking.
- I bought a house, it’s a two bedroom house, but I think it’s up to me to decide how many bedrooms there are. This bedroom has an oven in it. This bedroom has a lot of people sitting around watching TV. This bedroom is over in that other guy’s house.
- My girlfriend is named Lynn. She spells her name “Lynn”. My old girlfriend’s name is Lyn, too, but she spells it “Lyn”. Every now and then I screw up, I call my new girlfriend by my old girlfriend’s name, and she can tell because I don’t say “n” as long.
- Swiss cheese is the only cheese you can draw and people can identify. You can draw American cheese, but someone will think it’s cheddar. It’s the only cheese you can bite and miss. “Hey Mitch – does that sandwich have cheese on it?” “Every now and then!”
- I get the Reese’s candy bar. You look at that, there’s an apostrophe-s there. That means the candy bar is his. I didn’t know that. Next time you’re eating a Reese’s candy bar, and a guy named Reese comes by and says, “Gimme that”, you better hand it over.
- I like Kinko’s, because they’re open 24 hours. If it’s 5 am and I decide I need two of something, I’m covered! Sometimes I wake up in the middle of the night in a cold sweat, and then I think, “Oh, yeah. Kinko’s. No problem. That will not remain singular.”
- I`ve not really been angling to be a comedian. I knew comics and I loved them and I loved being funny, but I didn’t understand the whole concept of becoming one. My first couple of times on stage, I was like, “This is what I’m doing for sure.” I was so excited.
- I was at this casino minding my own business, and this guy came up to me and said, ‘You’re gonna have to move, you’re blocking a fire exit.’ As though if there was a fire, I wasn’t gonna run. If you’re flammible and have legs, you are never blocking a fire exit.
- One time a guy handed me a picture. He said, ‘Here’s a picture of me when I was younger.’ Every picture is of you when you were younger. ‘Here’s a picture of me when I’m older.’ ‘You son of bit, how’d you pull that off Let me see that camera. What’s it look like’
- I saw soda pop for $1.20 a six pack. That price messes with your head. You start thinking you’re gonna sell soda pop. Suddenly I’ve got packs of pop with me. “Looking to buy some pop? 50 cents a can. It’s not refrigerated because this is a half-assed commitment!”
- You know when you see an advertisement for a casino, and they have a picture of a guy winning money? That’s false advertising, because that happens the least. That’s like if you’re advertising a hamburger, they could show a guy choking. “This is what happened once.”
- I mumble a lot when im off stage, so a lot of times when im with a friend i’ll say something and he’ll be like what, and i’ll say it again and he’ll be like what, and i’ll say it again and he’ll still be like what, so now he’s got me yellin. Man that tree is far away
- When I get a cold sore, I put Carmex on it, because Carmex is supposed to alleviate cold sores. I don’t know if it does help, but it will make them more shiny and noticeable. It’s like cold-sore-highlighter. Maybe they could come up with an arrow that heals cold sores.
- I don’t think stand-up is being appreciated as much as it could be and I don’t think it has for a long time. There’s some great stand-up comics who come to a town and if they’re not a name, they don’t attract a crowd but in reality there are brilliant people out there.
- A dog came to my door, so I gave him a bone, the dog took the bone into the back yard and buried it. I’m going to go plant a tree there, with bones on it, then the dog will come back and say, “Shoot! It worked! I must distribute these bones equally for I have a green paw!”
- Every time I walk by a spy shop, I think that I need to put some surveillance on somebody. Rick’s been acting fishy! I need to buy a safe that looks like a Spray ‘N Wash can. “Hey, Mitch, can I use the Spray ‘N Wash?” “Yeah, if you want to spray your shirt with documents!”
- My apartment is infested with koala bears. It’s the cutest infestation ever. Way better than cockroaches. When I turn on the light a bunch of koala bears scatter. But I don’t want ’em to, you know, I’m like “Hey, hold on, fellas. Let me hold one of you. And feed you a leaf.”
- People think I’m into sports because I’m a man. But I’m not into sports. I like Gatorade, but that’s about as far as it goes. By the way, you don’t have to be sweaty and play basketball to enjoy Gatorade. You can just be a thirsty dude. Gatorade forgets about this demographic!
- I thought I’d go to a craft fair, and there would be a jar of jellybeans there – “Guess how many jellybeans are in this jar, and win a prize”. Aw, come on, man, let just me have some. I’ll tell you what, guess how many jellybeans I want! If you guessed a handful, you are right.
- I had a bag of Fritos, they were Texas grilled Fritos. These Fritos had grill marks on them. They remind me of summer, when we used to fire up the barbeque and throw down some Fritos. I can still see my dad with the apron on. Better flip that Frito, dad, you know how I like it.
- If you don’t know a light bulb is a three-way light bulb, it messes with your head. You reach to turn it off, and it just gets brighter! That’s the exact opposite of what I wanted you to do! So you turn the switch again, and it gets brighter once more! I will break you, light bulb!
- A friend gave me a drug for attention deficit disorder, because he’s afflicted, but I’m not. So what happened to me is I suddenly had an extra-long attention span. People would tell me a story, and it would end, and I’d get all mad. “Come on, man, there has to be more to that story.”
- I like when they say a movie is inspired by a true story. That’s kind of silly. “Hey, Mitch, did you hear that story about that lady who drove her car into the lake with her kids and they all drowned?” “Yeah, I did, and you know what – that inspires me to write a movie about a gorilla!”
- There was a product on late night TV that you could attach to your garden hose – “You can water your hard-to-reach plants with this.” Who would make their plants hard to reach? That seems so very mean. I know you need water, but I’m going to make you hard to reach. “Think like a cactus!”
- As an adult, I’m not supposed to go down slides. So if I’m at the top of a slide, I have to pretend that I got there accidentally. “How the hell did I get up here? I guess I have to slide down. Whee!” That’s what you say when you’re having fun. You refer to yourself and some other people.
- When you’re in Hollywood and you’re a comedian, everybody wants you to do other things. All right, you’re a stand-up comedian, can you write us a script? That’s not fair. That’s like if I worked hard to become a cook, and I’m a really good cook, they’d say, “OK, you’re a cook. Can you farm?”
- I never joined the army because at ease was never that easy to me. Seemed rather uptight still. I don’t relax by parting my legs slightly and putting my hands behind my back. That does not equal ease. At ease was not being in the military. I am at ease, bro, because I am not in the military.
- I made $3,000 opening for the Neville Brothers, and they paid me in cash. That was a bad situation, because I bought ridiculous stuff. I bought a snake bite emergency kit. Then I said to my friends, “Don’t even worry about snakes anymore”. My friend stepped on a worm, and I said, “Lay down!”
- Earlier I`ve done hatever I could get my hands on to do for a living. I tried a couple of different things, but kitchen work was the best for me, because I took to a nomadic lifestyle before I started doing comedy. If you travel and get to a town and need a job, restaurants are always there.
- I like it when you reach into a vending machine to grab your candy bar, and that flap goes up to block you from reaching up? That’s a good invention. Before that, it was hard times for the vending machine owners. “Yeah, what candy bar are you getting?” “That one, and every one on the bottom row!”
- I had a box of Ritz crackers, and on the back of the box, they had all these suggestions for what to put on top of the Ritz. Try it with cheese. Try it with peanut butter. Come on, man, they’re crackers, that’s why I got them. I like crackers! I didn’t buy them because they’re little edible plates!
- When you’re doing a show on stage, and they show you a red light, that means you have 5 minutes left. At some clubs, they hold a candle up in the back. That’s the worst method. You’re up here, and then you see a floating candle. “Oh, no! This place is haunted!” I can’t be funny when I’m frightened.
- When we were on acid, we would go into the woods, because there was less chance that you would run into an authority figure. But we ran into a bear. My friend Duane was there, raising his right hand, swearing to help prevent forest fires. He told me, “Mitchell, Smokey is way more intense in person!”
- I have found when I look at an audience that the expressions on the peoples’ faces aren’t always up to par with the sounds that they’re making. A crowd can sound like they’re having a good time when your eyes are closed but if you open your eyes, the looks on some of those faces don’t equal the sound.
- You know they call corn-on-the-cob, “corn-on-the-cob”, but that’s how it comes out of the ground. They should just call it corn, and every other type of corn, corn-off-the-cob. It’s not like if someone cut off my arm they would call it “Mitch”, but then re-attached it, and call it “Mitch-all-together”.
- That would be cool if you could eat a good food with a bad food and the good food would cover for the bad food when it got to your stomach. Like you could eat a carrot with an onion ring and they would travel down to your stomach, then they would get there, and the carrot would say, It’s cool, he’s with me.
- I walked by a dry cleaner at 3 am, and there was a sign: “Sorry, we’re closed” You don’t have to be sorry, it’s 3 am, and you’re a dry cleaner! It would be ridiculous for me to expect you to be open! I’m not gonna walk in at 10 am and say “I walked by here at 3 and you were closed – somebody owes me an apology!”
- You know when a company wants to use letters in their phone number, but often they’ll use too many letters? “Call 1-800-I-Really-Enjoy-Brand-New-Carpeting.” Too many letters, man, must I dial them all? “Hello? Hold on, man, I’m only on ‘Enjoy.’ How did you know I was calling? You’re good, I can see why they hired you!”
- A minibar is a machine that makes everything expensive. When I take something out of the minibar, I always fathom that I’ll go and replace it before they check it off, but they make that stuff impossible to replace. I go to the store and ask, ‘Do you have coke in a glass harmonica …Do you have individually wrapped cashews’
- I went to a heavy metal concert. The singer yelled out, “How many of you people feel like human beings tonight?” And then he said, “How many of you feel like animals?” The thing is, everyone cheered after the animals part, but I cheered after the human beings part because I did not know there was a second part to the question.
- I think a rotisserie is like a really morbid ferris wheel for chickens. It’s a strange piece of machinery . . . We will take the chicken, kill it, impale it, and then rotate it. And I’ll be damned if I’m not hungry! Because spinning chicken carcasses make my mouth water! I like dizzy chicken. With a side of potatoes of some sort.
- I have an oscillating fan at my house. It goes back and forth. It looks like the fan is saying “no.” So I like to ask it questions that a fan would say “no” to! Do you keep my hair in place? Do you keep my documents in order? Do you have 3 settings? LIAR! My fan lied to me. Now I will pull the pin up. Now you’re not saying ANYTHING!
- I wrote a letter to my Dad – I wrote, “I really enjoy being here,” but I accidentally wrote rarely instead of really. But I still wanted to use it, so I wrote, “I rarely drive steamboats, Dad – there’s a lot of stuff you don’t know about me. Quit trying to act like I’m a steamboat operator.” This letter took a harsh turn right away.
- I like when they say that a movie was “inspired by a true story” because that’s weird. It means the movie is not true, it was just inspired by a true story. “Hey Mitch, did you hear that story about that lady who drove her children into the river and they all drown?” “Yes I did. And that inspired me to write a movie about a gorilla.
- Some comics get drunk before a show. I don’t. When I get drunk, I don’t want to stand in front of a bunch of people that I don’t know. That does not sound comfortable. Why have all these people gathered? And why am I elevated and not facing the same way as everyone else? And what is this electric stick in my hand? I want a chair too!
- Has anyone seen me on Letterman? Two million people watch that show and I don’t know where they are. You might have seen this next comedian on the Late Show, but I think more people have seen me at the store. That should be my introduction. “You might have seen this next comedian at the store,” and people would say “Hell yes I have!”
- I saw a commercial for an above-ground pool, it was 30 seconds long. Because that’s the maximum amount of time you can picture yourself having fun in an above-ground pool. If it was 31 seconds, the actor would say “The water is only up to here? What do I do now? Throw the ball back to Jimmy? Or put some goggles on and look at his feet?”
- I was at a restaurant, and I ordered a chicken sandwich, but I don’t think the waitress understood me. She asked me, “How would you like your eggs?” I thought I would answer her anyway and said, “Incubated! And then raised, plucked, beheaded, cut up, put onto a grill, and then put onto a bun. Damn! I don’t have that much time! Scrambled!”
- I opened-up a yogurt, underneath the lid it said, “Please try again.” because they were having a contest that I was unaware of. I thought maybe I opened the yogurt wrong. …Or maybe Yoplait was trying to inspire me… “Come on Mitchell, don’t give up!” An inspirational message from your friends at Yoplait, fruit on the bottom, hope on top.
- My sister Wendy has a husband and two children, and they have a family photo on top of the VCR, where they’re all looking slightly to the left. As though something is going on over there! I guess something happened over to the left that made everybody happy! Except my sister is cross-eyed, so she can’t quite pull it off. One eye is right-on.
- That’s always disappointed me, to see a guy in the crowd who doesn’t look like he’s having fun but in general if you just listen to the crowd it sounds like they’re having fun. So I don’t want to focus on the one guy who’s not having fun. And by closing my eyes and just listening, I can’t hear that he’s not laughing but I can see that he’s not laughing.
- I had an apartment and I had a neighbor, and whenever he would knock on my wall I knew he wanted me to turn my music down and that made me angry ’cause I like loud music… so when he knocked on the wall, I’d mess with his head. I’d say Go around I cannot open the wall I dunno if you have a door on your side but over here there’s nothin’. It’s just flat.
- I guess the one-liner kind of comic sounds like a guy who can talk and talk and whatever the subject is, he can pull out a one-liner, but I couldn’t do that. I didn’t like the association. I mean, I love Steven Wright, but so many people started saying “Steven Wright” to me, and I would get mad, because I never wanted to be thought of as copying anybody.
- I hate turkeys. If you go to the grocery store, you start to get mad at turkeys. You see turkey ham, turkey bologna, turkey pastrami. Somebody just needs to tell the turkeys, “Man, just be yourselves!” I already like you, little fella. I used to draw you. If you had a couple of fingers missing, you would draw a really messed-up turkey. That turkey was in an accident!
- I saw a lady on TV, she was born without arms. That’s sad, but then they said, “Lola does not know the meaning of the word ‘can’t’.” That, to me, is even worse in a way. Not only is she missing arms, but she doesn’t understand simple contractions. It’s easy, Lola – you just take two words, put them together, take out the middle letters, put in a comma, and you raise it up!
- I was at a bar, and this guy bumped into me, and he did not apologize, and he said, “Move!” I thought that was rude, so I said, “Go to hell!” Then I started to run. He caught up to me. He had a mustache, a goatee, a pair of earrings, sunglasses, a ponytail and he was wearing a hat. He said, “Hey, you got a lot of nerve!” I said, “Hey, you got a lot of… cranium accessories!”
- I’m always on the road, and I drive rental cars. Sometimes I don’t know what’s going on with the car, and I’ll drive for ten miles with the emergency brake on. That doesn’t say a lot for me, but it doesn’t say a lot for the emergency brake. What kind of emergency is this? I need to not stop now. It’s not really an emergency brake, it’s an emergency make-the-car-smell-funny lever.
- This product that was on TV was available for four easy payments of $19.95. I would like a product that was available for three easy payments and one complicated payment. We can’t tell you which payment it is, but one of these payments is going to be hard. The mailman will get shot, the envelope will not seal, the stamp will be in the wrong denomination. The final payment must be made in wampum.
- Stand-up is an art but since it’s humor and it’s funny – a lot of guys that don’t think it’s art are probably coming from the angle that they don’t want to take it so seriously. I’ve always looked at it as an art but I don’t look at it as a pretentious art. I understand it has to be taken lightly because it is just comedy in the end, but the good stand-up comics are someone with something to say.
- I ordered a club sandwich, but I’m not even a member. “I like my sandwiches with three pieces of bread.” “Well, so do I!” “Then let’s form a club.” “OK, but we need some more stipulations. Instead of cutting the sandwich once, let’s cut it again. Yes, four triangles, arranged in a circle, and in the middle we will dump chips.” “How do you feel about frilly toothpicks?” “I’m for ’em!” “Well, this club is formed.”
- I don’t need a receipt for a doughnut. I’ll just give you the money, and you give me the doughnut. End of transaction! We don’t need to bring ink and paper into this! I can’t imagine a scenario where I’d have to prove that I bought a doughnut. Some skeptical friend…’Don’t even act like I didn’t buy that doughnut! I’ve got the documentation right here! Oh, wait, it’s back home, in the file. Under d…for doughnut.’
- Say, I was on The Craig Kilbourne Show and the next day I flew to Minneapolis. I was at the airport and a guy came up. He said, ‘Dude, I saw you on TV last night.’ But he did not say whether or not he thought I was good, he just confirmed that I was on television. So I turned my head away from him for about a minute, then I turned it back. I said, ‘Dude, I saw you at the airport about a minute ago. And you were good.’
- People associate long hair with drug use. I wish people associated long hair with something other than drug use, like an extreme longing for cake. And then strangers would see a long haired guy and say, “That guy eats cake!” “He is on bundt cake!” Mothers saying to their daughters, “Don’t bring the cake eater over here anymore. He smells like flour. Did you see how excited he got when he found out your birthday was fast approaching?”
- I find that a duck’s opinion of me is influenced by whether or not I have bread. A duck loves bread, but he does not have the capability to buy a loaf. That’s the biggest joke on the duck ever. If I worked at a convenience store, and a duck came in and stole a loaf of bread, I would let him go. I’d say, “Come back tomorrow, bring your friends!” When I think of a duck’s friends, I think of other ducks. But he could have, say, a beaver in tow.
- I was on a bus once, it was in the middle of the night, and I had a box of crackers and a can of Easy Cheese. It was dark, and it was a surprise how much cheese I had applied on each cracker. That’s why they should have a glow-in-the-dark version of Easy Cheese. It’s not like the product has any integrity to begin with. If you buy a room-temperature cheese that you squeeze out of a can, you probably won’t get mad because it glows in the dark too.
- You know when you go into a restaurant, and it gets busy and they start a waiting list, and they start calling out names, “DuFresnes, party of two.” They say again, “DuFresnes, party of two.” But then if no one answers, they’ll just go to the next name, “Bush, party of three.” Yeah, but what happened to the DuFresnes? No one seems to care. Who can eat at a time like this? People are missing! And they’re hungry! That’s a double whammy! “Bush, search party of three!” You can eat once you find the DuFresnes!
- I went to England to tell jokes, and I wanted to tell my Smokey the Bear joke, but I had to ask the English people if they knew who Smokey the Bear is. But they don’t. In England, Smokey the Bear is not the forest-fire-prevention representative. They have Smackie the Frog. It’s a lot like a bear, but it’s a frog. And that’s a better system, I think we should adopt it. Because bears can be mean, but frogs are always cool. Never has there been a frog hopping toward me and I thought, “Man, I better play dead!”
- Once I saw a duck walking down the street so I went into Subway and ordered two pieces of bread, and they informed me that they could not do that, like there was some speical rule at Subway that two pieces of bread weren’t allowed to touch. So the woman asked me what I wanted on the sandwich and I said I do not care, it is for a duck, and she was like oh then it’s free. I was not aware that ducks eat for free at Subway. It’s like give me a chicken fajita sub, but don’t worry about ringing it up, it is for a duck.
- You know when you go to a restaurant on the weekends, it’s busy, so they start a waiting list? They start calling out names, they say “Dufrane, party of two. Table ready for Dufrane, party of two.” And if no one answers, they’ll say their name again. “Dufrane, party of two.” But then if no one answers they’ll just go right on to the next name. “Bush, party of three.” Yeah, but what happened to the Dufranes? No one seems to care. Who can eat at a time like this? People are missing. You people are selfish. The Dufranes are in someone’s trunk right now, with duct tape over their mouths. And they’re hungry – that’s a double whammy. We need help. “Bush, SEARCH party of three! You can eat once you find the Dufranes.”
