More serious quotes

• Be prepared for luck.
• Reality: What a concept!
• It’s cheaper to keep her.
• Comedy is acting out optimism.
• Even mistakes can be wonderful.
• Comedy is acting out of optimism.
• I feel like I’m a big human snot.
• Carpe per diem – seize the check.
• The only weapon we have is comedy.
• When in doubt, go for the dick joke.
• A place where we all go can’t be bad.
• Don’t mess with me, man, I’m a lawyer!
• Keating: Carpe Diem! Sieze the day!
• Cricket is basically baseball on valium.
• Make your life spectacular, I know I did.
• My comedy is like emotional hang-gliding.
• Go pump some neurons. Expand your craniums
• I love kids, but they are a tough audience.
• There are no rules. Just follow your heart.
• A human life is just a heartbeat in heaven.
• You have to break in half to love somebody.
• I only ever play Vegas one night at a time.
• Seize the day. Make your life extraordinary.
• Ronald Reagan is the world’s largest Muppet.
• The idea of having a steady job is appealing.
• Comedy pays the bills if I can’t find a film.
• For a while you get mad, then you get over it.
• I don’t do well with snakes, and I can’t dance.
• Being alone onstage is like legalized insanity.
• Dreams don’t deal in time. Time doesn’t count.
• I know size can be daunting but don’t be afraid.
• I’m sorry, if you were right, I’d agree with you.
• Three wishes – no substitutes, exchanges or refunds
• Death is nature’s way of saying, ‘Your table is ready.’
• The world is your oyster. Never stop trying new things.
• I was a serious method actor until I visited this site.
• Nobody takes a picture of something they want to forget.
• The things we fear the most have already happened to us.
• Imagining something is better than remembering something.
• There’s a world out there. Open a window, and it’s there.
• There’s a world out there. Open a window, and it’s there.
• Comedy can be a cathartic way to deal with personal trauma.
• What’s right is what’s left if you do everything else wrong.
• What’s right is what’s left if you do everything else wrong.
• Anything that is not funny at a certain point will be funny.
• We used to be hunter-gatherers, now we’re shopper-borrowers.
• In America, they really do mythologize people when they die.
• The truth is, if anything, I’m probably addicted to laughter.
• Oh, no. To live… to live would be an awfully big adventure.
• The truth is, if anything, I’m probably addicted to laughter.
• You’re best when you’re not in charge. The ego locks the muse.
• Do you think God gets stoned? I think so… look at the platypus.
• With a bike you go from zero to a hundred in terms of mobility.
• You’re going to the cemetery with your toothbrush. How Egyptian
• Sucking the marrow out of life doesn’t mean choking on the bone.
• I was an only child. I did have kind of like a lonely existence.
• You’re still young. Being a true loser takes years of inaptitude
• You’re only given a little spark of madness. You mustn’t lose it.
• You’re only given a little spark of madness. You mustn’t lose it.
• Good people end up in Hell because they can’t forgive themselves.
• The meek may inherit the earth, but they don’t get in to Harvard.
• Our job is improving the quality of life, not just delaying death.
• There’s no question this is where I want to live. Never has been.
• But poetry, beauty, romance, love, these are what we stay alive for.
• I used food to make myself feel better, but I felt worse when I ate.
• No matter what people tell you, words and ideas can change the world.
• Compassionate conservative, that’s like having a gun rack on a Volvo.
• What’s true in our minds is true, whether some people know it or not.
• Time is the best teacher. Unfortunately, it kills all of its students.
• You need a touch of madness, just enough that you don’t become stupid!
• All you have to do is think one happy thought, and you’ll fly like me.
• I’m history! No, I’m mythology! Nah, I don’t care what I am, I’m free!
• What some folks call impossible is just stuff they haven’t seen before.
• If we were interested in making money, we wouldn’t have become teachers.
• Stop being afraid of getting older. With age comes wisdom and confidence.
• You know what music is – a harmonic connection between all living beings.
• I think it’s great when stories are dark and strange and weirdly personal.
• I always thought the idea of education was to learn to think for yourself.
• I think it’s great when stories are dark and strange and weirdly personal.
• If heaven exists, to know that there’s laughs, that would be a great thing.
• The idea of being a character who is kind of isolated, I can relate to that.
• If heaven exists, to know that there are laughs, that would be a great thing.
• Some are born great. Some achieve greatness. Some get it as a graduation gift.
• It doesn’t matter who you are, if you’ve got the legs, you can hang with them.
• Sometimes it’s more noble to tell a small lie than to deliver a painful truth.
• Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about. Be kind. Always.
• When you have a great audience, you can just keep going and finding new things.
• Real loss is only possible when you love something more than you love yourself.
• I learned that by being entertaining you make a connection with another person.
• There’s no shame in failing. The only shame is not giving things your best shot.
• The Second Amendment says we have the right to bear arms, not to bear artillery.
• The sort of liveliness which increases with age is not far distant from madness.
• Stand-up is the place where you can do things that you could never do in public.
• There is no shame in failing. The only shame is not giving things your best shot.
• As an alcoholic, you will violate your standards quicker than you can lower them.
• You’d think all of these “atypical” somethings would add up to a typical something
• Being in the same room with people and creating something together is a good thing.
• People say satire is dead. It’s not dead; it’s alive and living in the White House.
• People would say I never censor. As Billy Crystal says, ‘I don’t have that button.’
• The world is open for play, everything and everybody is mockable in a wonderful way.
• If women ran the world, we wouldn’t have wars… just intense negotiations every 28 days.
• Politicians should wear sponsor jackets like Nascar drivers. Then we know who owns them.
• Kid, if You Need Booze or Drugs to Enjoy Your Life to the Fullest, You’re Doing It Wrong.
• Sometimes you got to specifically go out of your way to get into trouble. It’s called fun.
• Gentlemen, haven’t we learned anything from the music of John Lennon? All we need is love.
• The world is open for play, that everything and everybody is mockable, in a wonderful way.
• Crying never helped anybody do anything, okay? You have a problem, you face it like a man.
• Sometimes, you got to specifically go out of your way to get into trouble. It’s called fun.
• But only in their dreams can men be truly free. It was always thus and always thus will be.
• Explore an idea until you’ve exhausted it, really go to all the different parameters of it.
• I don’t practice anything. I spend time looking over ideas and then just get out and do it.
• Self-reliance is the key to a vigorous life. A man must look inward to find his own answers.
• You’ve got to be crazy! It’s too late to be sane, too late. You’ve got to go full-tilt bozo.
• A hungry stomach, an empty wallet, and a broken heart can teach you the best lessons of life.
• Self-reliance is the key to a vigorous life. A man must look inward to find his own answers.
• I just want to do movies, and I want to sell them. I don’t want to link up with some product.
• I stand upon my desk to remind myself that we must constantly look at things in a different way.
• I do believe in love. It’s wonderful, especially love third time around; it’s even more precious.
• My favorite thing to do is ride a bicycle. I ride road bikes. And for me, it’s mobile meditation.
• Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn’t, but when it does, it’s like open-field running.
• What’s my credibility? Why are they looking to me for advice? Isn’t there someone more qualified?
• If you don’t keep pushing the limits, you wake up one day and you’re the “center square to block.”
• When I’m riding my bicycle I feel like a Buddhist who is happy just to enjoy his mundane existence
• To be free. Such a thing would be greater than all the magic and all the treasures in all the world.
• Comedy is there to basically show us we fart, we laugh, to make us realize we still are part animal.
• A friend is someone who listens to your bullshit, tells you that it’s bullshit, and listens some more.
• If we’re going to fight a disease, let’s fight one of the most terrible diseases of all, indifference.
• Sometimes you can have a whole lifetime in a day and never notice that this is a beautiful as it gets.
• She is not perfect. You are not perfect. The question is whether or not you are perfect for each other
• See, the problem is that God gives men a brain and a penis, and only enough blood to run one at a time.
• Sometimes you can have a whole lifetime in a day and never notice that this is as beautiful as it gets.
• You will have bad times, but they will always wake you up to the stuff you weren’t paying attention to.
• You will have bad times, but they will always wake you up to the stuff you weren’t paying attention to.
• I love doing live action movies, but there’s a great job in doing animation, especially one with music.
• There is still a lot to learn and there is always great stuff out there. Even mistakes can be wonderful.
• After I quit drinking, I realized I am the same asshole I always was; I just have fewer dents in my car.
• You can start any ‘Monty Python’ routine and people finish it for you. Everyone knows it like shorthand.
• There’s a time for daring and there’s a time for caution, and a wise man understands which is called for.
• Sometimes with a comedy it’s just having the instinct of how real you play it and what level you want it.
• I want everyone out there in TV land to touch the TV. Touch the back of the TV and get a shock for Jesus.
• Please, don’t worry so much. Because in the end, none of us have very long on this Earth. Life is fleeting.
• Gradual school is where you go to school and you gradually find out you don’t want to go to school anymore.
• But if there’s love, dear… those are the ties that bind, and you’ll have a family in your heart, forever.
• On stage you’re free. You can say and do things that if you said and did any place else, you’d be arrested.
• My children give me a great sense of wonder. Just to see them develop into these extraordinary human beings.
• To make fun of an administration, to make fun of anything, Mark Twain said, is the last defense of democracy.
• I’ve always improvised, and stand-up was this great release. All of a sudden, it was just me and the audience.
• There’s this thing called freebasing. It’s not free, it costs you your home. It should be called ‘homebasing’.
• It was kind of a decompression – from straight alcohol to mixed drinks to wine to spritzers – and then you’re out.
• You have an internal critic, an internal drive that says, ‘OK, you can do more.’ Maybe that’s what keeps you going.
• You treat a disease, you win, you lose. You treat a person, I guarantee you, you’ll win, no matter what the outcome.
• It’s always great when you want scientific fact to get a really good science fiction writer to talk to you about it.
• We don’t read and write poetry because it’s cute. We read and write poetry because we are members of the human race.
• If you’re that depressed, reach out to someone. And remember, suicide is a permanent solution, to a temporary problem.
• If you want to die, don’t make a mistake and not quite kill yourself because the medical bills in America are hideous.
• I have no desire to go anywhere near drugs. People say, “Aren’t you tempted?” No, because of the ridiculousness of it.
• If there was a pill that allowed you to drink and not get drunk, an alcoholic would go “What happens if you take two?”
• Acting is different from stand-up. It gives you this ability to enter into another character, to create another person.
• I do believe in love; it’s wonderful – especially love third time around, it’s even more precious; it’s kind of amazing.
• Women are wonderful. They’re amazing creatures. You can never learn enough! They’re addicting in the most amazing sense.
• I can be trained, I can actually show you how intelligent I am, I can use a word like delicatessen and know what it means.
• The Second Amendment! It says you have the right to bear arms, or the right to arm bears, whatever the hell you want to do!
• On rides you see things that trigger ideas. And most the time it’s just not doing anything but riding … letting it all go.
• Boys, you must strive to find your own voice, because the longer you wait to begin the less likely you are to find it at all.
• In down times I do things like go for a long bike ride or run. The other thing I’m doing in that quiet time is just observing.
• If I ever asked you about love, you’d probably quote me a sonnet. But you’ve never looked a woman and been totally vulnerable.
• I’ve actually gone to the zoo and had monkeys shout to me from their cages, “I’m in here when you’re walking around like that?”
• Shooting in New York is the shiznit, if I may be so bold. It was great. New York is a character. People who live here know that.
• There are times when life’s just real quiet and simple. I sometimes get tired of people saying, “Well, what are you really like?”
• Humor is a great defense, and an offense too. Usually the recipient isn’t too happy about it, but the people around are laughing.
• Women are incredibly intuitive. If anybody on the planet is going to evolve to the next level, that telekinetic thing, women will.
• I try to make sense of things. Which is why, I guess, I believe in destiny. There must be a reason that I am as I am. There must be.
• I love to ride my bike, which is great aerobics, but also just a great time for me to think, so it’s like this terrific double bill.
• I never performed on drugs. That’d be stupid. It’s the same thing with athletes. They can’t perform when they have cocaine problems.
• The great thing about marriage is the idea of really getting to know someone. And really getting to know a woman is a life long task.
• When I find out a hotel doesn’t have a DSL, it’s like “What? There’s no toilet?” Once you get used to high speed you ain’t going back
• Friends come in all sizes, take it from me! Golly gee, size doesn’t matter, when you want some friendly patter from a pal who is true.
• Seize the day. Because, believe it or not, each and every one of us in this room is one day going to stop breathing, turn cold, and die.
• We have a president for whom English is a second language. He’s like ‘We have to get rid of dictators,’ but he’s pretty much one himself.
• Women have so many levels. There’s the physical level, which is a lot of fun. There’s this emotional level, which is extremely mercurial.
• I met Jonah Lomu. I never knew how huge he was. I felt like a peasant in a Godzilla movie. ‘Quickly! Tell the other villagers! We go now!’
• Just now when I said, “I have a crush on you,” you didn’t say, “no way loser”. I’d rather have a lobotomy by a leper. That means something
• The Chinese had accused the Tibetans of being terrorists, which is weird. A Tibetan terrorist is like an Amish hacker. It just doesn’t fit.
• My preference is live performance, because you get the feedback. There’s an energy. It’s live theater. That’s why I think actors like that.
• Don’t associate yourself with toxic people. It’s better to be alone and love yourself than surrounded by people that make you hate yourself.
• Don’t associate yourself with toxic people. It’s better to be alone and love yourself than surrounded by people that make you hate yourself.
• There’s three things in this world that you need: Respect for all kinds of life, a nice bowel movement on a regular basis, and a navy blazer.
• There are three things in this world that you need: respect for all kinds of life, a nice bowel movement on a regular basis, and a navy blazer.
• I used to think the worst thing in life was to end up alone. It’s not. The worst thing in life is to end up with people who make you feel alone.
• Politics is so personal, vicious and immediate, how are you going to get anything done? Even the local politics where I live have gotten so ugly.
• It’s that idea that you can have one drink – and no you can’t. Within a week I was drinking heavily. It was so quick that even I was like, ‘Wow.’
• A lot of celebrities golf because they want to be away. For them it’s a chance to get away and be peaceful. For me it’s peaceful to ride [cycling].
• I used to think the worst thing in life was to end up all alone. It’s not. The worst thing in life is to end up with people who make you feel all alone.
• I don’t have a college degree, and my father didn’t have a college degree, so when my son, Zachary, graduated from college, I said, “My boy’s got learnin’!”
• Change is not popular; we are creatures of habit as human beings. ‘I want it to be the way it was.’ But if you continue the way it was there will be no ‘is.’
• Change is not popular; we are creatures of habits as human beings. ‘I want it to be the way it was.’ But if you continue the way it was there will be no ‘is.’
• As intellectual as we think we are, you still trip, we still have human foibles, sexuality, all the different things to still make you aware of your humanity.
• The human spirit is more powerful than any drug, and that is what needs to be nourished: with work, play, friendship, family. These are the things that matter.
• The human spirit is more powerful than any drug – and that is what needs to be nourished: with work, play, friendship, family. These are the things that matter.
• Divorce is expensive. I used to joke they were going to call it ‘all the money,’ but they changed it to ‘alimony.’ It’s ripping your heart out through your wallet.
• Most of all, I want to thank my father, up there, the man who when I said I wanted to be an actor, he said, ‘Wonderful. Just have a backup profession like welding.’
• Most of all, I want to thank my father, up there, the man who when I said I wanted to be an actor, he said, ‘Wonderful. Just have a back-up profession like welding.’
• Terrible wars have been fought where millions have died for one idea – freedom. And it seems that something that means so much to so many people would be worth having.
• Cocaine for me was a place to hide. Most people get hyper on coke. It slowed me down. Sometimes it made me paranoid and impotent, but mostly it just made me withdrawn.
• My battles with addiction definitely shaped how I am now. They really made me deeply appreciate human contact. And the value of friends and family, how precious that is.
• It is hard to find something where you can go off as much as I do in stand-up, but I think stand-up allows me that freedom where you can really go off and have a good time.
• If you listen real close, you can hear them whisper their legacy to you. Go on, lean in. Listen, you hear it?  Carpe diem, seize the day boys, make your lives extraordinary.
• Cable is not bound because people pay for it. It’s literally a choice, that’s the operative word. If you don’t like the language, if cocksucker offends you, then turn it off.
• It’s been a tough year. . . Someone said I should send out Buddhist thank-you cards since Buddhists believe that anything that challenges you makes you pull yourself together.
• I had one or two steady girlfriends in high school, but then in college, it was three, four… I went crazy. At one point I had three separate girlfriends, running around mad.
• You know what music is? God’s little reminder that there’s something else besides us in this universe; harmonic connection between all living beings, every where, even the stars.
• I’ve never had a “hankering” to direct. I can perform, but I can’t write on that level. I tend to go off on tangents. Directing also requires a kind of specificity and I don’t have it.
• My father retired to San Francisco, and I got a chance to know him and be around him. It’s always been someplace where everything changed for the better. It’s always been a home for me.
• Age makes you more confident. When you realize that it’s time now to just do things. When there’s not the pressure to perform on some level of expectations, there’s more to just explore.
• I think the saddest people always try their hardest to make people happy because they know what it’s like to feel absolutely worthless  and they don’t want anyone else to feel like that.
• All the new people you meet, it’s pretty amazing. The vampire needs new blood. And there is still a lot to learn and there is always great stuff out there. Even mistakes can be wonderful.
• You’ve got to be crazy! It’s too late to be sane, too late. You’ve got to go full tilt bozo… ‚ÄòCause you’re only given a little spark of madness… and if you lose that, you’re nothing
• How much more can you give? Other than, literally, open-heart surgery onstage? Not much. But the only cure you have right now is the honesty of going, this is who you are. I know who I am.
• I think the saddest people always try their hardest to make people happy. Because they know what it feels like to feel absolutely worthless and they don’t want anybody else to feel like that.
• Sometimes, keeping track of people. It’s always a weird combination of worrying so much about the outside world, and not… you have to be more aware of the inner circle, the folks that matter.
• [when asked about what he was most thankful about]: Being alive. After heart surgery, you dig that part. Breath, family and friends are just amazing. Just to have a second shot is pretty great!
• We were romantics. We didn’t just read poetry. We let it drip from our tongues like honey. Spirits soared. Women swooned, and gods were created, gentlemen. Not a bad way to spend an evening, eh?
• Come on now! You kick out the gooks, the next thing you know, you have to kick out the chinks, the spicks, the spooks, the kikes and all that’s going to be left is a couple of brain-dead rednecks.
• You have this idea that you’d better keep working otherwise people will forget. And that was dangerous. And then you realize, no, actually if you take a break people might be more interested in you.
• I was once walking in an airport and a woman came up to me and said, ‘Be zany!’. That’d be like walking up to Baryshikov and going, ‘Plie! Just do a plie! Do it! Do a releve right now! Lift my wife!’
• Stand-up is the place where you can do things that you could never do in public. Once you step on stage you’re licensed to do that. It’s an understood relationship. You walk on stage – it’s your job.
• I couldn’t imagine living the way I used to live. Now people come up to me from the drug days and go, ‘Hi, remember me?’ And I’m going, ‘No, did I have sex with you? Did I take a dump in your tool box?’
• [On creating] And you get that little endorphin buzz, it’s great. Why do you think Einstein looked like that? I don’t think he was going “You know this is some dynamite weed! It’s all relative you know.”
• The dramas for me allow me to explore more behavioral, deeper psychological things. But the comedies obviously allow me to explore the idea of really working off other people. I’m having more fun doing that.
• When you really do find a new idea or you’re in and it’s all working, that’s the gift. It’s like a musician when they hit a riff, that’s when you’re like all right, it’s mellow. You back off and just ride it.
• I want to do a movie, but it has to be the right movie, whether it’s independent or a studio movie. I’m much more open to being a supporting actor. At the age of 60, I’ll be second fiddle. Fine. I’m happy to do it.
• With mountain biking, it’s always that constant thing, negotiating singletrack, which I like, but for a road ride that rhythm is really Buddhist. When you get a good pedal stoke, it’s that thing of everything works.
• My mother’s idea of natural childbirth was giving birth without makeup. She was hyper-positive – the world is a wonderful place, rainbows and unicorns. If you said anything contrary to her, you were basically exiled.
• Everyone has these two visions when they hold their child for the first time. The first is your child as an adult saying “I want to thank the Nobel Committee for this award.” The other is “You want fries with that?”.
• It’s a wonderful feeling when your father becomes not a God but a man to you — when he comes down from the mountain and you see he’s this man with weaknesses. And you love him as this whole being, not as a figurehead.
• It’s a wonderful feeling when your father becomes not a god but a man to you – when he comes down from the mountain and you see he’s this man with weaknesses. And you love him as this whole being, not as a figurehead.
• My childhood was really nice. My parents never forced me to do anything; it was always, “If you want to do that, fine.” When I told my father I was going to be an actor, he said, “Fine, but study welding just in case.”
• Cross-country running was so beautiful with all the trails and the lake regions … very physical and also a bit spiritual, where you could come over the mountain and all of a sudden you’d see a Buddhist landscape fog.
• When your spinal cord freezes up, you’re vulnerable to everything. But he [Chrestopher Reese] was tough as nails. And he kept a great, kind of dark sense of humor about it, but also was able to accomplish amazing things.
• My favorite is when you go to Afghanistan and you meet the special forces guys, and they look like these heavily armed surfers. These guys are the best. You see guys dressed as full Afghans, but then wearing a Yankees hat.
• Avoid using the word ‘very’ because it’s lazy. A man is not very tired, he is exhausted. Don’t use very sad, use morose. Language was invented for one reason boys – to woo women – and in that endeavor, laziness will not do.
• We were totally opposite – me coming from the West Coast and a junior college, and him [ Christopher Reeve] from the hard-core Ivy League. He used to be the studly studly of all studlies, and I was the little fool ferret boy.
• After my training wheels, my first real bike was a Schwinn, and my first time out, I rode down a hill, didn’t know how to stop, and ran right into a tree. So, that was a nice experience … like realizing, oh, there are brakes!
• The essential truth is that sometimes you’re worried that they’ll find out it’s a fluke, that you don’t really have it. You’ve lost the muse or — the worst dread — you never had it at all. I went through all that madness early on.
• Finding a good script is really difficult and the scariest thing of all is when they say about a script that’s not right, “we will fix it..” It’s like before you get on the Titanic and you see a big hole. In process, it’s too late.
• Bicycles are pieces of art. You get that combination of kinetic engineering, but then, besides the welds, the paint jobs, the kind of the sculpture of it all is quite beautiful. Bikes have such great lines, and all different styles.
• The little idiosyncrasies that only I know about: that’s what made her my wife. Oh she had the goods on me too, she knew all my little peccadilloes. People call these things imperfections, but they’re not. Ah, that’s the good stuff!
• There was an old, crazy dude who used to live a long time ago. His name was Lord Buckley. And he said, a long time ago, he said, ‘People–they’r e kinda like flowers, and it’s been a privilege walking in your garden.’ My love goes with you.
• I thought I was fooling people. But it’s the old thing of ‘they say vodka doesn’t smell’. No, not until you sweat. And you just lie and lie and you think ‘I can deal with this’. And then you finally go, ‘No you can’t’. And then you give up.
• Even when I did my Broadway show, I did 15 minutes no one had seen before, because that was the night that Michael Jackson protested about Al Sharpton bailing on him. I said, “Wow, if that man bails on you, this must be really a lost cause.”
• People say that I’m a tree hugger, but I do a lot more than hug trees. I like having my drinking water without faecal matter, that’s really nice. Or acceptable levels of strychnine. I’m an air breather, I’ve gotten used to that over the years.
• I started doing comedy because that was the only stage that I could find. It was the pure idea of being on stage. That was the only thing that interested me, along with learning the craft and working, and just being in productions with people.
• I stopped drinking when I had children because I wanted to be awake and aware. I did not want to be going, you know, daddy loves you and then drop my head on the table. I do not want to miss anything that they do or say. It is important to me.
• Life is fleeting. And if you’re ever distressed, cast your eyes to the summer sky when when the stars are strung across the velvety night. And when a shooting star streaks through the blackness, turning night into day… make a wish and think of me.
• To be acknowledged for who and what I am, no more, no less. Not for acclaim, not for approval, but, the simple truth of that recognition. This has been the elemental drive of my existence, and it must be achieved, if I am to live or die with dignity.
• I enjoy that, and the idea of doing small things over a period of time. I think there are certain things you can do for water control in America, because that will be our most precious resource. In America, you pay more for water than you do for gas.
• Politically, I don’t care what party you’re from, offer a point of view and let’s see what happens and really debate the issues rather than use personal attacks. Really talk about it, talk about immigration, talk about education, talk about pollution.
• We’re dealing with fundamentalists… the Amish are fundamentalists, but they don’t try and hijack a carriage at needlepoint. And, if you’re ever in Amish country and you see a man with his hand buried in a horse’s ass, that’s a mechanic. Remember that.
• Things that I see in the future. I see… it could be quite incredible if we can master a few problems, like the air and the water thing might be nice. I see governments dissolving these barriers are all falling down for economic reasons. They’re all so interbound.
• If I asked you about love, you’d probably quote me a sonnet. But you’ve never looked at a woman and been totally vulnerable. Known someone that could level you with her eyes, feeling like God put an angel on earth just for you. Who could rescue you from the depths of hell.
• I got to ninth grade and there was wrestling, and I went, ‘Wait a minute, this is fun.’ Basically, it was a chance for a small kid like me to get a chance to wail on another small kid. I went, ‘I love this.’ The discipline of it was great. Plus, I really started to be good at it.
• I can see it now: Osama bin Laden goes up to the pearly gates where George Washington comes out, starts beating him and is then joined by 70 other members of the Continental Congress. Osama will say, Hey, wait! Where are my 71 virgins? And George will reply It’s 71 Virginians, you asshole!
• For me, comedy starts as a spew, a kind of explosion, and then you sculpt it from there, if at all. It comes out of a deeper, darker side. Maybe it comes from anger, because I’m outraged by cruel absurdities, the hypocrisy that exists everywhere, even within yourself, where it’s hardest to see.
• We are surrounded by a lot of failed ecosystems; the moon being one, Mars, Venus. There¬ís evidence of water on Mars and rivers and it didn¬ít take. Also, we have planets to guard us like Jupiter and Saturn that take the hits of the comets. It is miraculous that we exist on this planet, that it took.
• I basically started performing for my mother, going, ‘Love me!’ What drives you to perform is the need for that primal connection. When I was little, my mother was funny with me, and I started to be charming and funny for her, and I learned that by being entertaining, you make a connection with another person.
• Ever since my children were born, the moment I looked at them I was crazy about them. Once I held them I was hooked. I am addicted to my children sir. I love them with all my heart and the idea of someone telling me I can’t be with them, I can’t see them everyday. Well, it’s like someone saying I can’t have air.
• I basically started performing for my mother, going, ‘Love me!’ What drives you to perform is the need for that primal connection. When I was little, my mother was funny with me, and I started to be charming and funny for her, and I learned that by being entertaining, you make a connection with another person.
• In truth I never really liked any of the heavy drugs, because normally my energy is up when I’m performing, and that’s about it. Cocaine is nothing new. It’s the pressure, I think. People use it to relieve that, and for me it is about getting numb and forgetting. I have a reverse metabolic reaction to the stuff.
• What’s wrong with death sir? What are we so mortally afraid of? Why can’t we treat death with a certain amount of humanity and dignity, and decency, and God forbid, maybe even humor. Death is not the enemy gentlemen. If we’re going to fight a disease, let’s fight one of the most terrible diseases of all, indifference.
• Directing requires great discipline, that ability to be in and out at the same time. The great ones I’ve worked with are like generals. It’s a bit like a small war on that level. The great ones have that combination of freedom and control. I’m nowhere near that. There’s still so much to do as an actor. I have enough to explore with that.
• My preference is live performance. Because you get the feedback. There’s an energy. It’s live theater. That’s why I think actors like that. You know, musicians need it, comedians definitely need it. It doesn’t matter what size and what club, whether it’s 30 people in the club or 2,000 in a hall or a theater. It’s live, it’s symbiotic, you need it.
• I did an event in Washington, and it was like we lifted a sea.Immediately after [9/11], there was a stunned shock – kind of this feeling of “What do we do now?” I started performing, and there was a catharsis in the laughing. People started to be able to laugh again. Laughter can be many things – sometimes a medicine, sometimes a weapon, depending on.
• The idea of the industrial fishing affects everyone. Those factory ships play this game of hit and run with the international fishing limits, and somebody said it’s like hunting squirrels with a bulldozer. They pull everything in and they are only looking for certain types of fish and everything else dies and they just throw it back. It’s like chumming.
• A Pentagon official once said the people who would actually push the button probably have never seen a person die. He said the only hope -and it’s a strange thought – is if they put the button to launch the nuclear war behind a man’s heart. The President, then, with a rusty knife, would have to cut out the man’s heart, kill the man, to get to the button.
• I’m fascinated by the new iPhone. I bought it and kept trying to use it in France. “Siri, what is a good restaurant?” (In a robotic voice.) “I’m sorry, Robin. I can’t give locations in France.” “Why, Siri?” “I don’t know.” It’s like she was upset with the French or something. “They seem to have an attitude I can’t understand. Should I look for Germans, Robin?”
• One day [when I relapsed] I walked into a store and saw a little bottle of Jack Daniel’s. And then that voice – I call it the ‘lower power’ – goes, ‘Hey. Just a taste. Just one.’ I drank it, and there was that brief moment of ‘Oh, I’m okay!’ But it escalated so quickly. Within a week I was buying so many bottles I sounded like a wind chime walking down the street.
• You look at the world and see how scary it can be sometimes and still try to deal with the fear. Comedy can deal with the fear and still not paralyze you or tell you that it’s going away. You say, OK, you got certain choices here, you can laugh at them and then once you’ve laughed at them and you have expunged the demon, now you can deal with them. That’s what I do when I do my act.
• My childhood was lonely. Both my parents were away a lot, working, and the maid basically raised me. And I think that’s where a lot of my comedy comes from. Not only was the maid very funny and witty, but when my mother came home I’d use humour to try and get her attention. If I made mommy laugh, then maybe everything would be all right. I think that’s where it [my comedy] all started.
• It’s just literally being afraid. And you think, oh, [the alcohol] will ease the fear. And it doesn’t. What was he afraid of? “Everything. It’s just a general all-round arggghhh. It’s fearfulness and anxiety.” He added, “For that first week you lie to yourself, and tell yourself you can stop, and then your body kicks back and says, no, stop later. And then it took about three years, and finally you do stop.”
• My children give me a great sense of wonder. Just to see them develop into these extraordinary human beings. And a favorite book as a child? Growing up, it was ‘The Lion, The Witch and The Wardrobe’ – I would read the whole C.S. Lewis series out loud to my kids. I was once reading to Zelda, and she said ‘don’t do any voices. Just read it as yourself.’ So I did, I just read it straight, and she said ‘that’s better.’
• It’s that idea that you can have one drink – and no you can’t. Within a week I was drinking heavily. It was so quick that even I was like, ‘Wow.’ Because you have that initial warm feeling going, ‘Oh, I remember this’. And your body does, too. And your body goes, ‘Yeah, so do I’.  Then the demon voice comes, ‘Yeah, so do I. You know what would be great? You know we bought a little bottle before? A full bottle would be wonderful’.

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On a lighter note

• Cricket is baseball on valium.
• When in doubt, go for the dick joke.
• Situations Burglars Furniture Homosexuals
• ..so many pedestrians, so little time…
• Decaf is like masturbating with an oven mitt!
• No man is an island; but some are peninsulas.
• Freud: If it’s not one thing, it’s your mother
• It’s hotter than a snake’s ass in a wagon rut.
• Never go to Pluto, it’s a Mickey Mouse planet.
• Why do they call it rush hour if no one moves?
• I don’t do well with snakes, and I can’t dance.
• I don’t do well with snakes, and I can’t dance.
• Spring is nature’s way of saying, ‘Let’s party!’
• Women! Can’t live with ’em, can’t live with ’em!
• I like my wine like my women – ready to pass out.
• I’m sorry, if you were right, I’d agree with you.
• Why do they call it rush hour when nothing moves?
• His golf bag does not contain a full set of irons.
• I like my wine like my women — ready to pass out.
• I thought lacrosse was what you find in la church.
• If you can remember the sixties, you weren’t there.
• Why do they call it “rush hour” when nothing moves?
• We’re not laughing at you – we’re laughing near you.
• Gentiles are people who eat mayonnaise for no reason.
• I’m looking for Miss Right, or at least Miss Right Now
• Death is nature’s way of saying, ‘Your table is ready.’
• If we bury you ass up, I’ve got a place to park my bike.
• In the dictionary under redundant it says see redundant.
• Incoming is not the thing you want to hear at Christmas.
• Mickey Mouse to a three-year-old is a six-foot-tall RAT!
• He makes a Macy’s Thanksgiving Day float look ridiculous.
• Canada is like a loft apartment over a really great party.
• Death – to blink for an exceptionally long period of time.
• My first day as a woman and I am already having hot flushes
• Clouds are like boogers hanging on the nostrils of the moon.
• Cocaine is God’s way of saying you’re making too much money.
• If it’s the Psychic Network why do they need a phone number?
• What’s right is what’s left if you do everything else wrong.
• Never fight with an ugly person, they’ve got nothing to lose.
• Running for senator in New York is like bobbing for piranhas.
• Whenever a big white man picks up a banjo, my cheeks tighten.
• You might say he was one taco short of a combination platter.
• Along with the Oscars, the Academy is giving out a green card.
• I went to rehab in wine country, just to keep my options open.
• Reality is just a crutch for people who can’t cope with drugs.
• We’ve had cloning in the South for years. It’s called cousins.
• We’ve had cloning in the South for years. It’s called cousins.
• Do you think God gets stoned? I think so… look at the platypus.
• That’s the formaldehyde. That’s why Granny’s so well-preserved.
• Sucking the marrow out of life doesn’t mean choking on the bone.
• Cocaine is God’s way of telling you you are making too much money.
• I love being backstage, or doing littler things like Blame Canada.
• I’m a very tolerant man, except when it comes to holding a grudge.
• Look at the walls of Pompeii. That’s what got the internet started.
• Do you think God gets stoned? I think so . . . look at the platypus.
• Never pick a fight with an ugly person, they’ve got nothing to lose.
• Shakespeare said, “Kill all the lawyers.” There were no agents then.
• Keith Richards is the only man who can make the Osbournes look Amish.
• Before the Web, there was just one guy running around saying ‘I KNOW!’
• Time is the best teacher. Unfortunately, it kills all of its students.
• You’ll notice that Nancy Reagan never drinks water when Ronnie speaks.
• Do you realize we’re only a heart attack away from Bush being president?
• Do you think Adam said to Eve, ‘Back up, I don’t know how big this gets.
• My religious background is that my mother is a Christian Dior Scientist.
• If I could light my own farts I could fly to the moon or at least Uranus.
• I wonder what chairs think about all day: “Oh, here comes another asshole.”
• Is it rude to Twitter during sex? To go “omg, omg, wtf, zzz”? Is that rude?
• You appreciate little things, like walks on the beach with a defibrillator.
• Ballet: men wearing pants so tight that you can tell what religion they are.
• Being a famous print journalist is like being the best-dressed woman on radio.
• I had sex with a prostitute when I was 21, I was so bad, she gave me a refund.
• Some are born great. Some achieve greatness. Some get it as a graduation gift.
• You’ve got to give the guy some slack… he’s caught between Iraq and a hard-on.
• I went to rehab [for alcoholism] in wine country, just to keep my options open.
• Golf is a game where white men can dress up as black pimps and get away with it.
• I feel like Adam when he said to Eve, “Back up, I don’t know how big this gets.”
• The Second Amendment says we have the right to bear arms, not to bear artillery.
• We had gay burglars the other night; they broke in and rearranged the furniture.
• Politics: Poli a Latin word meaning many and tics meaning bloodsucking creatures.
• When the media ask George W. Bush a question, he answers, ‘Can I use a lifeline?’
• I’m an Episcopal, which is Catholic Lite. It’s like same religion, half the guilt.
• People say satire is dead; it’s not dead; it’s alive and living in the White House.
• Divorce, from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man’s genitals through his wallet.
• Politics: Poli a Latin word meaning many; and “tics” meaning bloodsucking creatures.
• It’s five o’clock in the morning. You’ve just pissed on a dumpster. It’s Miller time.
• The Russians love Brooke Shields because her eyebrows remind them of Leonid Brezhnev.
• If women ran the world we wouldn’t have wars, just intense negotiations every 28 days.
• They say our mothers really know how to push our buttons – because they installed them
• We Americans, we’re a simple people . . . but piss us off, and we’ll bomb your cities.
• Canadian money is also called the loony. How can you take an economic crisis seriously?
• The first time I ate organic whole-grain bread I swear it tasted like roofing material.
• Politicians should wear sponsor jackets like Nascar drivers. Then we know who owns them.
• Even evangelicals realize that Pinocchio’s father was a carpenter too. That’s the old joke.
• When my friends and I played cowboys and Indians, I was always the Chinese railroad worker.
• When the Williams sisters play tennis, it gets pretty hot. When they start grunting, I’m in.
• When you create you get a little endorphin rush. Why do you think Einstein looked like that?
• Golf is one of the few sports where a white man can dress like a black pimp and not look bad.
• Compassionate conservative. I don’t know what that is, it sounds like a Volvo with a gun rack.
• I play a lot of computer games. I love computer graphics. I’ve had Pixar in me for a long time.
• The entire world will be in nuclear war, and only the Swiss will be going, ‘what’s that noise?’
• Taking Viagra after open heart surgery is like a Civil War re-enactment with live ammo. Not good.
• Ah, yes, divorce . . . from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man’s genitals through his wallet.
• I had my back waxed once by two women… and at one point they said, Do you mind if we take a break?
• My God, look at the size of this man! Quick! Tell the other villagers we’re going back to the boats!
• I think Nancy does most of his talking; you’ll notice that she never drinks water when Ronnie speaks.
• A friend is someone who listens to your bullshit, tells you that it’s bullshit, and listens some more.
• See, the problem is that God gives men a brain and a penis, and only enough blood to run one at a time.
• God gave men a penis and a brain, but unfortunately not enough blood supply to run both at the same time.
• I had to stop drinking alcohol, because I used to wake up nude in front of my car with my keys in my ass.
• You know the difference between a tornado and divorce in the south? Nothing! Someone is losing a trailer.
• It’s great that we’ve got a compassionate conservative, but to me, that sounds like a Volvo with a gun rack.
• You know, you get that tattoo of barbed wire when you’re 18, but by the time you’re 80, it’s a picket fence.
• It’s great that we’ve got a compassionate conservative, but to me, that sounds like a Volvo with a gun rack.
• The French don’t have a baseball team. And if they did, there’d only be a left field, and no one would be safe.
• You could talk about same-sex marriage, but people who have been married (say) ‘It’s the same sex all the time.’
• We were talking briefly about cocaine…yeah. Anything that makes you paranoid and impotent, give me more of that!
• If women ran the world there would be no wars. However every 28 days there would be some very intense negotiations.
• When you look at Prince Charles, don’t you think that someone in the Royal family knew someone in the Royal family?
• And if you want a linguistic adventure, go drinking with a Scotsman. Cause you can’t fucking understand them before.
• The human body was designed by a civil engineer. Who else would run a toxic waste pipeline through a recreational area ?
• What is this demilitarized zone? Whatever it is, I like it! Gets you on your toes better than a strong cup of cappuccino.
• You don’t need cocaine! There’s another way to get real high, and really mess your mind up, it’s called marathon running!
• The Second Amendment! It says you have the right to bear arms, or the right to arm bears, whatever the hell you want to do!
• Men may have wars, but women have their period. Men go off and kill each other, but women say nasty things, which is even better.
• Being a functioning alcoholic is kind of like being a paraplegic lap dancer: You can do it, just not as well as the others, really.
• I love running cross-country…You come up a hill and see two deer going, ‘What the hell is he doing?’ On a track I feel like a hamster.
• Texting and driving at the same time is like jerking off and juggling at the same time. Too many balls in the air, if you catch my drift.
• We have a president for whom English is a second language. He’s like ‘We have to get rid of dictators,’ but he’s pretty much one himself.
• There are three things in this world that you need: respect for all kinds of life, a nice bowel movement on a regular basis, and a navy blazer.
• They’re talking about partial nuclear disarmament, which is also like talking about partial circumcision – you either go all the way or forget it.
• [Imitating a Frenchman] Fuck you Americans! Uncultured, crass Americans! We hate all of you! Fu- the Germans are here! Hello Americans! We love you!
• A woman would never make a nuclear bomb. They would never make a weapon that kills, no, no. They’d make a weapon that makes you feel bad for a while.
• Now you can’t even carry a nail clipper on a plane. Are they afraid you’re going to go…”All right! Give me the plane or the b*tch loses her cuticle.” ?
• The Statue of Liberty is no longer saying, ‘Give me your poor, your tired, your huddled masses.’ She’s got a baseball bat and yelling, ‘You want a piece of me?’
• In England, if you commit a crime, the police don’t have a gun and you don’t have a gun. If you commit a crime, the police will say ‘Stop, or I’ll say stop again.’
• Okra is the closest thing to nylon I’ve ever eaten. It’s like they bred cotton with a green bean. Okra, tastes like snot. The more you cook it, the more it turns into string.
• There’ll be cold fusion. We’ll actually be able to power our cars with our own feces. That’s right. The emissions problem will be a little intense, but just light a match.
• Age makes you more confident. When you realize that it’s time now to just do things. When there’s not the pressure to perform on some level of expectations, there’s more to just explore.
• When I was growing up they used to say, “Robin, drugs can kill you.” Now that I’m 58 my doctor’s telling me, “Robin, you need drugs to live.” I realize now that my doctor is also my dealer.
• I was once on a German talk show, and this woman said to me, ‘Mr. Williams, why do you think there is not so much comedy in Germany?’ And I said, ‘Did you ever think you killed all the funny people?’
• Some people say Jesus wasn’t Jewish. Of course he was Jewish. Thirty years old, single, lives with his parents, come on. He works in his father’s business, his mom thought he was God’s gift, he’s Jewish.
• And some people say Jesus wasn’t Jewish. Of COURSE he was Jewish! 30 years old, single, lives with his parents, come on! He works in his father’s business, his mom thought he was God’s gift, he’s Jewish! Give it up!
• Look at airport security now. What started out as definite racial profiling is now where the computer picks a name. That’s why you get a seven-month-old getting a pat down. [Imitates a security officer.] “Check the diapers. They’re full.”
• A woman wouldn’t make a bomb that kills you. A woman would make a bomb that makes you feel bad for a while. That’s why there should be a woman President. There’d never be any wars, just every twenty-eight days there’d be very intense negotiations.
• I walked into my son’s room the other day, and he’s got four screens going at the same time. He’s watching a movie on one screen, playing a game on another, downloading something on this one, texting on that one, people say “He’s got ADD.” Fuck that, he’s multitasking.
• Here’s the best birth control in the whole world, if you really, if you have no pills, if you have no diaphragm, if you have no other form of contraception. Use it for ladies, if he comes at you with that little thing in his hand, just laugh at it. They can’t deal with it, OK, it’ll be gone.
• Beer commercials usually show big men, manly men, doing manly things: “You’ve just killed a small animal. It’s time for a light beer.” Why not have a realistic beer commercial, with a realistic thing about beer, where someone goes, “It’s 5:00 in the morning. You’ve just pissed on a dumpster. It’s Miller time.”
• And the French! The French have a bomb too! Maybe they have the Michelin Bomb- ah! Only destroys restaurants under four stars! They are the one of the only people that still test their bombs! Where do they do it? In the Sahara, in the total wasteland? No, fuck off! In Tahiti! In paradise. Why? Because we’re French. Oh, look, a Greenpeace boat coming to protest- fuck off, I sink you.

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Lines from movies

• Make your life spectacular. I know I did. — Jack
• To live… to live would be an awfully big adventure. — Peter Pan
• A human life is just a heartbeat in heaven. — What Dreams May Come
• We get to choose who we let into our weird little worlds. — Good Will Hunting
• Our job is improving the quality of life, not just delaying death. — Patch Adams
• Some men are born great; others have greatness thrust upon them. — Night at the Museum
• No matter what anybody tells you, words and ideas can change the world. — Dead Poets Society
• To be free. Such a thing would be greater than all the magic and all the treasures in all the world. — Aladdin
• You will have bad times, but they will always wake you up to the stuff you weren’t paying attention to. — Good Will Hunting
• You treat a disease, you win, you lose. You treat a person, I guarantee you, you’ll win, no matter what the outcome. — Patch Adams
• You must strive to find your own voice because the longer you wait to begin, the less likely you are to find it at all. — Dead Poets Society
• Well, good luck in the big city. If you can make it here, you can make it anywhere. And if you can’t make it here, welcome to the club. — Robots
• I try to make sense of things. Which is why, I guess, I believe in destiny. There must be a reason that I am as I am. There must be. — Bicentennial Man
• You know what music is? God’s little reminder that there’s something else besides us in this universe; harmonic connection between all living beings, everywhere even the stars. — August Rush
• You’re not perfect, sport. And let me save you the suspense: This girl you met, she isn’t perfect either. But the question is whether or not you’re perfect for each other. That’s the whole deal — that’s what intimacy is all about. — Good Will Hunting
• What’s wrong with death, sir? What are we so mortally afraid of? Why can’t we treat death with a certain amount of humanity and dignity, and decency, and God forbid, maybe even humor? Death is not the enemy, gentleman. If we’re going to fight a disease, let’s fight one of the most terrible diseases of all, indifference. — Patch Adams
• You know, some parents, when they’re angry, they get along much better when they don’t live together. They don’t fight all the time, and they can become better people, and much better mummies and daddies for you. And sometimes they get back together. And sometimes they don’t, dear. And if they don’t, don’t blame yourself. Just because they don’t love each other anymore doesn’t mean that they don’t love you. There are all sorts of different families. — Mrs. Doubtfire

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