About Steven Wright



Steven Alexander Wright (born 1955) is an American stand-up comedian, actor, writer, and film producer. He is known for his distinctly lethargic voice and slow, deadpan delivery of ironic, philosophical and sometimes nonsensical jokes, paraprosdokians, non sequiturs, anti-humor, and one-liners with contrived situations. Wikipedia

  

Quotes by Steven Wright

Steven Wright (quotes)

/in , /by
  • I washed mud off of mud.
  • I just lost a buttonhole.
  • Sometimes I… No, I don’t.
  • I’m a peripheral visionary.
  • I had amnesia once or twice.
  • A metaphor is like a simile.
  • I had my coat hangers spayed.
  • I was skydiving horizontally.
  • Hermits have no peer pressure.
  • Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow.
  • Do fish get cramps after eating?
  • OK, so what’s the speed of dark?
  • I was an only child, eventually.
  • I can’t stop thinking like this.
  • I’d kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.
  • What a nice night for an evening.
  • Tinsel is really snakes’ mirrors.
  • Even snakes are afraid of snakes.
  • How young can you die of old age?
  • What’s another word for Thesaurus?
  • How can there be self-help groups?
  • Do you have any toy train schedules?
  • Yesterday, Eyeglasses, Prescriptions
  • How do you get off a non-stop flight?
  • Is it possible to be totally partial?
  • It’s a fine night to have an evening.
  • Country, Phones, Questions And Answers
  • Is it weird in here, or is it just me?
  • I used to be a narrator for bad mimes.
  • I was arrested for lip-syncing karaoke.
  • I invented the cordless extension cord.
  • Do Lipton employees take coffee breaks?
  • A fool and his money are soon partying.
  • Imagination, My Friends, My Imagination
  • I eat Swiss cheese from the inside out.
  • Four years ago… no, it was yesterday.
  • 99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
  • Thinking, Trying Something New, Creating
  • I have a fax machine with “fax waiting”.
  • I thought I would be a guy on the radio.
  • How come abbreviated is such a long word?
  • If God dropped acid, would he see people?
  • I was once arrested for resisting arrest.
  • Last week I forgot how to ride a bicycle.
  • I intend to live forever. So far, so good.
  • Smoking cures weight problems, eventually.
  • I’m writing an unauthorized autobiography.
  • My father was a small claims court jester.
  • At one point he decided enough was enough.
  • Because I don’t believe everything I read.
  • Inferiority, Very Good, Inferiority Complex
  • Half the people you know are below average.
  • Do Roman paramedics refer to IV’s as ‘4’s’?
  • If I ever had twins, I’d use one for parts.
  • I’m so hyper. (said with a very dull voice>
  • The speed of time is one second per second.
  • Always try to be modest, and be proud of it!
  • Why are there interstate highways in Hawaii?
  • Why is a carrot more orange than an orange?
  • The other day I … no wait, that wasn’t me.
  • Yesterday, my eyeglass prescription ran out.
  • Why isn’t the number 11 pronounced onety one?
  • No one is listening until you make a mistake.
  • I like to reminisce with people I don’t know.
  • Laughing stock: cattle with a sense of humor.
  • If its tourist season, why cant we shoot them
  • Do radioactive cats have eighteen half-lives?
  • If you saw a heat wave, would you wave back?
  • I Xeroxed my watch. Now I have time to spare.
  • The doctor says he has to amputate all of me.
  • I like to skate on the other side of the ice.
  • Consciousness: That annoying time between naps
  • Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
  • Whatever happened to preparations A through G?
  • I saw a man with a wooden leg and a real foot.
  • My socks DO match. They’re the same thickness.
  • On the other hand, you have different fingers.
  • Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?
  • If a cow laughed, would milk come out her nose?
  • I poured spot remover on my dog. Now he’s gone.
  • Can you buy an entire chess set in a pawn shop?
  • I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.
  • Why do we wait until a pig is dead to “cure” it?
  • I’m not afraid of heights. I’m afraid of widths.
  • Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7 of your life.
  • Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark.
  • How do you tell when you’re out of invisible ink?
  • I wrote a few children’s books… not on purpose.
  • Why don’t they just make mouse-flavored cat food?
  • I went to San Francisco. I found someone’s heart.
  • You can’t have everything. Where would you put it?
  • If I melt dry ice, can I swim without getting wet?
  • .. can’t live with ’em…… can’t shoot ’em
  • My theory of evolution is that Darwin was adopted.
  • always remember your unique, just like everone else
  • If you are killing time, are you damaging eternity?
  • What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
  • If heat rises, then heaven must be hotter than hell
  • The sky is falling. No, I’m tipping over backwards.
  • I’m writing a book. I’ve got the page numbers done.
  • When I die, I’m leaving my body to science fiction.
  • If you shoot a Mime, do you need to use a silencer?
  • I bought a million lottery tickets. I won a dollar.
  • Five out of four people have trouble with fractions.
  • Why do they sterilize needles for lethal injections?
  • When I erase a word with a pencil, where does it go?
  • I put hardwood floors on top of wall-to-wall carpet.
  • When the Leaves Blow Away. Documentary, Comedy, 2006.
  • Isn’t Disney World a people trap operated by a mouse?
  • I was trying to daydream, but my mind kept wandering.
  • Is boneless chicken considered to be an invertebrate?
  • I saw a tree fall in the woods, and I didn’t hear it.
  • Why isn’t the word “phonetically” spelled with an “f”?
  • I am writing a book. So far I have the pages numbered.
  • The severity of the itch is proportional to the reach.
  • Did you sleep well?” “No, I made a couple of mistakes.
  • I got a garage door opener. It can’t close. Just open.
  • If you can’t hear me, it’s because I’m in parentheses.
  • Why is the third hand on a watch called a second hand?
  • Snakes have no arms. That’s why they don’t wear vests.
  • My secret to staying young… Having no sense of time.
  • I Xeroxed a mirror. Now I have an extra Xerox machine.
  • A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
  • I took a lie detector test the other day. No, I didn’t.
  • All those who believe in psychokinesis – raise my hand.
  • Why, in a country of free speech, are there phone bills?
  • I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.
  • Why are there five syllables in the word “monosyllabic”?
  • 7 per cent of all statistics are made up on the spot.
  • I haven’t changed at all. I’m the same as when I was 11.
  • My neighbor has a circular driveway… he can’t get out.
  • If vegetarians eat vegetables, what do humanitarians eat
  • You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.
  • I got this powdered water – now I don’t know what to add.
  • Imagine Oshkosh straitjackets for little insane children.
  • I’m moving to Mars next week, so if you have any boxes…
  • I couldn’t find the remote control to the remote control.
  • I couldn’t repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.
  • Curiosity killed the cat, but for a while I was a suspect.
  • Black holes result from God dividing the universe by zero.
  • I got food poisoning today. I don’t know when I’ll use it.
  • I’ve never seen electricity, that’s why I don’t pay for it
  • It’s like the Wild West, the Internet. There are no rules.
  • How many people does it take to change a searchlight bulb?
  • Everywhere is within walking distance if you have the time.
  • I have not lost my mind – it’s backed up on disk somewhere.
  • I’m a psychic amnesiac. I know in advance what I’ll forget.
  • Why buy a product that it takes 2000 flushes to get rid of?
  • I used to have an open mind but my brains kept falling out.
  • I bought some powdered water, but I don’t know what to add.
  • I have an inferiority complex, but it’s not a very good one.
  • If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
  • When everything’s coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane.
  • Isn’t the best way to save face to keep the lower part shut?
  • If you were going to shoot a mime, would you use a silencer?
  • It’s a small world, but I wouldn’t want to have to paint it.
  • Support bacteria – they’re the only culture some people have.
  • Cross country skiing is great if you live in a small country.
  • What do little birdies see when they get knocked unconscious?
  • Why do we wash bath towels? Aren’t we clean when we use them?
  • I wear my heart on my sleeve. I wear my liver on my pant leg.
  • Whenever I think of the past, it brings back so many memories.
  • Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?
  • What would a chair look like if your knees bent the other way?
  • Everyone has a photographic Memory, some just don’t have film.
  • Drugs may lead to nowhere, but at least it’s the scenic route.
  • I have a paper cut from writing my suicide note. It’s a start.
  • I don’t have to walk my dog anymore. I walked him all at once.
  • For my sister’s 50th birthday, I sent her a singing mammogram.
  • I’m addicted to placebos. I could quit, but it wouldn’t matter.
  • If a word in the dictionary were misspelled, how would we know?
  • Should you trust a stockbroker who’s married to a travel agent?
  • I tried to hang myself with a bungee cord. I kept almost dying.
  • Eagles may soar, but weasels don’t get sucked into jet engines.
  • I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.
  • I saw a subliminal advertising executive, but only for a second.
  • Do the people in Australia call the rest of the world ‘Up Over’?
  • I had to stop driving my car for a while… the tires got dizzy.
  • Why don’t they make the whole plane out of that black box stuff.
  • Why doesn’t the fattest man in the world become a hockey goalie?
  • If you melt dry ice in a pool and go swimming, will you get wet?
  • Everything is within walking distance, as long as you have time.
  • I’m so tired… I was up all night trying to round off infinity.
  • How much deeper would the ocean be if sponges didn’t live there?
  • Whose cruel idea was it for the word “lisp” to have an “s” in it?
  • I think it’s wrong that only one company makes the game Monopoly.
  • If a mute kid swears, should his mother wash his hands with soap?
  • The sign said “eight items or less”. So I changed my name to Les.
  • The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese
  • If you are sending someone some Styrofoam, what do you pack it in?
  • Yesterday I told a chicken to cross the road. It said, “What for?”
  • Why do scientists call it research when looking for something new?
  • Why are they called a-part-ments, when they’re all stuck together?
  • A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
  • CNN Live Today with Daryn Kagan, edition.cnn.com. April 19, 2006.
  • I spent all my money on a FAX machine. Now I can only FAX collect.
  • If at first you don’t succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
  • Experience is something you don’t get until just after you need it.
  • I broke my arm trying to fold a bed. It wasn’t the kind that folds.
  • If you had a million Shakespeares, could they write like a monkey?
  • I brought a mirror to Lovers’ Lane. I told everybody I’m Narcissus.
  • Is it true that cannibals don’t eat clowns because they taste funny?
  • A lot of people are afraid of heights. Not me, I’m afraid of widths.
  • Why do we put suits in a garment bag and put garments in a suitcase?
  • I bought a cheap piece of land… It was on someone else’s property.
  • If you tell a joke in the forest, but nobody laughs, was it a joke?
  • I named my dog Stay, so I can say, ‘Come here, Stay! Come here, Stay!
  • I have an existential map. It has ‘You are here’ written all over it.
  • Ever wonder what the speed of lightning would be if it didn’t zigzag?
  • I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time.
  • They say the universe is expanding. That should help with the traffic.
  • If one synchronised swimmer drowns, do all the rest have to drown too?
  • I eat swiss cheese. But I only nibble on it. I make the holes bigger.
  • I have a quantum car. Every time I look at the speedometer I get lost.
  • If at first you don’t succeed, then skydiving definitely isn’t for you.
  • I look like a casual, laid-back guy, but it’s like a circus in my head.
  • I was reading the dictionary. I thought it was a poem about everything.
  • I went to a garage sale. ‘How much for the garage’ ‘It’s not for sale.’
  • I just got this new camera. It’s very advanced – you don’t even need it.
  • You know the old joke, I went to the fights and a hockey game broke out.
  • I have all the emotions that everyone has; it just appears that I don’t.
  • Ever notice how irons have a setting for permanent press? I don’t get it.
  • I stayed in a really old hotel last night. They sent me a wake-up letter.
  • The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.
  • I went to a general store but they wouldn’t let me buy anything specific.
  • I think God’s going to come down and pull civilization over for speeding.
  • I bought some instant water one time but I didn’t know what to add to it.
  • The Stones, I love the Stones. I watch them whenever I can. Fred, Barney.
  • I bought a house on a one-way dead-end road. I don’t know how I got there.
  • I saw a bank that said ’24 Hour Banking,’ but I don’t have that much time.
  • Your honor, why would anyone in their right mind park in the passing lane?
  • The colder the X-ray table, the more of your body is required to be on it.
  • If your car could travel at the speed of light, would your headlights work?
  • I finally got around to reading the dictionary. Turns out the Zebra did it.
  • I planted some bird seed. A bird came up. Now I don’t know what to feed it.
  • If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?
  • I just have a relationship with my imagination. It’s like my friend, almost.
  • My friend Sam has one leg. I went to his house. I couldn’t go up the stairs.
  • Last night I played a blank tape at full blast. The mime next door went nuts.
  • Why do you press harder on a remote-control when you know the battery’s dead?
  • Imagine how weird phones would look if your mouth was nowhere near your ears.
  • To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.
  • They say you’re not supposed to put metal in a microwave oven. They’re right.
  • Do married people live longer than single people or does it just SEEM longer?
  • If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you’ve never tried before.
  • I washed a sock. Then I put it in the dryer. When I took it out, it was gone.
  • I took a course in speed waiting. Now I can wait an hour in only ten minutes.
  • My school colors were clear. We used to say, ‘I’m not naked, I’m in the band.
  • It doesn’t matter what temperature the room is, it’s always room temperature.
  • I live at the end of a dead end one way street. I don’t know how I got there.
  • If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.
  • I forgot and left the lighthouse on all night. Next day the sun wouldn’t rise.
  • I had just received my degree in Calcium Anthropology… the study of milkmen.
  • I rented a lottery ticket. I won a million dollars. But I had to give it back.
  • My act is an exaggeration of a part of me. I’m much more expressive off stage.
  • I was thinking that women should put pictures of missing husbands on beer cans.
  • Be nice to your children. After all, they are going to choose your nursing home.
  • I bought an ant farm. I don’t know where I am going to get a tractor that small!
  • Don’t you hate when your hand falls asleep and you know it will be up all night.
  • I live on a one-way street that’s also a dead end. I’m not sure how I got there.
  • There’s a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.
  • The Secret of All Art by James Altucher, www.huffingtonpost.com. August 3, 2015.
  • I had a dream that all the babies prevented by the pill showed up. They were mad.
  • After eating, do amphibians need to wait an hour before getting out of the water?
  • I don’t get up, get dressed, go out, and think, ‘Okay, I gotta find eight jokes.’
  • Why is it, when a door is open it’s ajar, but when a jar is open, it’s not a door?
  • What do you do when you see an endangered animal that eats only endangered plants?
  • When I was ten, my pa told me never to talk to strangers. We haven’t spoken since.
  • I saw a vegetarian wearing a furry coat. so I looked closer. it was made of grass.
  • My roommate got a pet elephant. Then it got lost. It’s in the apartment somewhere.
  • Babies don’t need a vacation. But I still see them at the beach. It pisses me off.
  • One day a guy tried to rob me on the street, and I had no money. So I charged him.
  • I installed a skylight in my apartment… the people who live above me are furious!
  • I was a peripheral visionary. I could see the future, but only way off to the side.
  • They say we’re 98% water. We’re that close to drowning. I like to live on the edge.
  • If people from Poland are called Poles, why aren’t people from Holland called Holes?
  • Why doesn’t Tarzan have a beard? Why doesn’t glue stick to the inside of the bottle?
  • Happy Birthday to You by Don Meyer, Ph.D., www.huffingtonpost.com. October 1, 2013.
  • I went to a 7-11 and asked for a 2×4 and a box of 3×5’s. The clerk said, “ten-four.”
  • I used to work in a fire hydrant factory. You couldn’t park anywhere near the place.
  • I just got out of the hospital. I was in a speed-reading accident. I hit a bookmark.
  • If a man says something in the woods and there are no women there, is he still wrong?
  • Day 1 — Still tired from the move. Day 2 — Everybody talks to me like I’m an idiot.
  • I hate it when my leg falls asleep. I know that means it’s going to be up all night.
  • I once locked my keys out of my car. I had to break out of my car with a coat hanger.
  • I parked in the tow-away zone, and when I got back, the entire neighborhood was gone.
  • The Simpsons, TV Series (1989– ). “The Last Temptation of Krust”, www.imdb.com. 1998.
  • Like other kids wanted to become firemen or astronauts, I wanted to make people laugh.
  • To me, comedy is just twisting reality. It’s commenting or observing or twisting life.
  • Only one in four jokes ever works, and I still can’t predict what people will laugh at.
  • If all those psychics know the winning lottery numbers, why are they all still working?
  • I busted a mirror and got seven years bad luck. But my lawyer thinks he can get me five.
  • I saw a sign: “Rest Area 25 Miles”. That’s pretty big. Some people must be really tired.
  • I went to the hardware store and bought some used paint. It was in the shape of a house.
  • The Things I Wish They’d Told Me. As I Was Growing Up. Book by David Rankin, p. 97, 2010.
  • I got a new shadow. I had to get rid of the other one – it wasn’t doing what I was doing.
  • George is a radio announcer, and when he walks under a bridge… you can’t hear him talk.
  • Last night I fell asleep in a satellite dish. My dreams were broadcast all over the world.
  • I used to work at a health food store. I got fired for drinking straight Bosco on the job.
  • I had some eyeglasses. I was walking down the street when suddenly the prescription ran out.
  • I remember when the candle shop burned down. Everyone stood around singing ‘Happy Birthday.’
  • Officer, I know I was going faster than 55MPH, but I wasn’t going to be on the road an hour.
  • The sun got confused about daylight savings time. It rose twice. Everything had two shadows.
  • Yesterday I parked my car in a tow-away zone…when I came back the entire area was missing.
  • How come you don’t ever hear about gruntled employees? And who has been dis-ing them anyhow?
  • If you take an Oriental person and spin him around several times, does he become disoriented?
  • Why are they called buildings when they’re already finished? Shouldn’t they be called builts?
  • I had a friend who was a clown. When he died, all his friends went to the funeral in one car.
  • I woke up one morning, and all of my stuff had been stolen and replaced by exact duplicates”.
  • I was always making my friends laugh but I never wanted the attention of the whole classroom.
  • Right now I’m having amnesia and déjà vu at the same time. I think I’ve forgotten this before.
  • If Dracula can’t see his reflection in a mirror, how come his hair is always so neatly combed?
  • Why do they call it the Department of Interior when they are in charge of everything outdoors?
  • My friend Winnie is a procrastinator. He didn’t get his birth mark til he was eight years old.
  • Do you think that when they asked George Washington for ID that he just whipped out a quarter?
  • When I was a kid, I went to the store and asked the guy, Do you have any toy train schedules?
  • I plugged my phone in where the blender used to be. I called someone. They went “Aaaaahhhh…”
  • Why do banks charge you a “non-sufficient funds fee” on money they already know you don’t have?
  • The Bermuda Triangle got tired of warm weather. It moved to Alaska. Now Santa Claus is missing.
  • I like to go to art museums and name the untitled paintings… Boy With Pail… Kitten On Fire.
  • I have a map of the united states …. it’s original size … it says one mile equals one mile.
  • If a tree falls in the forest and no one is around to see it, do the other trees make fun of it?
  • Winny would spend all of his time practicing limbo. He got pretty good. He could go under a rug.
  • I replaced the headlights in my car with strobe lights, so it looks like I’m the only one moving.
  • My friend has a baby. I’m recording all the noises he makes so later I can ask him what he meant.
  • I was hitchhiking the other day and a hearse stopped. I said, ‘No thanks, I’m not going that far.
  • I used to own an ant farm but had to give it up. I couldn’t find tractors small enough to fit it.
  • I was in the first submarine. Instead of a periscope, they had a kaleidoscope. “We’re surrounded.”
  • I put tape on the mirrors in my house so I don’t accidentally walk through into another dimension.
  • Sometimes I talk to myself in languages I’m unfamiliar with… just to screw with my subconscious.
  • In my house on the ceilings I have paintings of the rooms above… so I never have to go upstairs.
  • Yesterday I saw a chicken crossing the road. I asked it why. It told me it was none of my business.
  • I got a chain letter by fax. It’s very simple. You just fax a dollar bill to everybody on the list.
  • Last night I stayed up late playing poker with Tarot cards. I got a full house and four people died.
  • Last year I went fishing with Salvador Dali. He was using a dotted line. He caught every other fish.
  • It usually helps me write by reading – somehow the reading gear in your head turns the writing gear.
  • I didn’t want to be selling insurance at 40, wondering what would it have been like to do stand-up.
  • I told her I knew when I was going to die because my birth certificate had an expiration date on it.
  • When I was a little kid we had a sand box. It was a quicksand box. I was an only child… eventually.
  • Imagine if birds were tickled by feathers. You’d see a flock of birds come by, laughing hysterically!
  • I was once walking through the forest alone. A tree fell right in front of me – and I didn’t hear it.
  • [Referring to a glass of water:] I mixed this myself. Two parts H, one part O. I don’t trust anybody!
  • I watched the Indy 500, and I was thinking that if they left earlier they wouldn’t have to go so fast.
  • I went for a walk last night and she asked me how long I was going to be gone. I said, ‘The whole time.
  • How come Superman could stop bullets with his chest, but always ducked when someone threw a gun at him?
  • I kept a diary right after I was born. Day 1: Tired from the move. Day 2: Everyone thinks I’m an idiot.
  • There was a power outage at a department store yesterday. Twenty people were trapped on the escalators.
  • The sun never sets on the British Empire. But it rises every morning. The sky must get awfully crowded.
  • The other night I was lying in bed, looking up at the stars, and I wondered, ‘Where the hell is my roof?
  • Someone asked me, if I were stranded on a desert island what book would I bring… ‘How to Build a Boat.’
  • Why is it lemon juice contains mostly artificial ingredients but dishwashing liquid contains real lemons?
  • I met this wonderful girl at Macy’s. She was buying clothes and I was putting Slinkies on the escalator.
  • I took my dog for a walk… all the way from New York to Florida… I said to him “There now you’re done.”
  • I went to the hardware store to buy some batteries, but they weren’t included, so I had to buy them again.
  • All of the people in my building are insane. The guy above me designs synthetic hairballs for ceramic cats.
  • I saw a want ad. “light housekeeping.” They said “Here, change this bulb.” I said “I’ll need some friends.”
  • If the universe is everything, and scientists say that the universe is expanding, what is it expanding into?
  • I went to a restaurant that serves ‘breakfast at any time’. So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance.
  • I got a new dog. He’s a paranoid retriever. He brings back everything because he’s not sure what I threw him.
  • If you got into a taxi and the driver started driving backward, would the taxi driver end up owing you money?
  • I have an answering machine in my car. It says, I’m home now. But leave a message and I’ll call when I’m out.
  • When I woke up this morning my girlfriend asked me, ‘Did you sleep good?’ I said ‘No, I made a few mistakes.’
  • If it’s zero degrees outside today and it’s supposed to be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold is it going to be?
  • I like to fill my tub up with water, then turn the shower on and act like I’m in a submarine that’s been hit .
  • In school, every period ends with a bell. Every sentence ends with a period. Every crime ends with a sentence.
  • I went to the museum where they had all the heads and arms from the statues that are in all the other museums.
  • In hindsight, I realized I could see into the future. Which is kind of like having premonitions of flashbacks.
  • My aunt gave me a walkie-talkie for my birthday. She says if I’m good, she’ll give me the other one next year.
  • .. my mind was wandering… one time it went all the way to Venus and ordered a meal I couldn’t pay for.
  • Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist but a person who drives a racing car not called a racist?
  • I don’t like politicians, and I don’t like politics. I definitely don’t want to be associated with any of them.
  • I was sad because I had no shoes, until I met a man who had no feet. So I said, “Got any shoes you’re not using?
  • For my birthday I got a humidifier and a de-humidifier… I put them in the same room and let them fight it out.
  • I have a large sea shell collection which I keep scattered on beaches all over the world. Maybe you’ve seen it.
  • I worked in a health food store once. A guy asked me, ‘If I melt dry ice, can I take a bath without getting wet?
  • I play the harmonica. The only way I can play is if I get my car going really fast, and stick it out the window.
  • If it’s a penny for your thoughts and you put in your two cents worth, then someone, somewhere is making a penny.
  • Sponges grow in the ocean. That just kills me. I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be if that didn’t happen.
  • All the plants in my house are dead – I shot them last night. I was teasing them by watering them with ice cubes.
  • I hooked up my accelerator pedal in my car to my brake lights. I hit the gas, people behind me stop, and I’m gone.
  • My girlfriend does her nails with white-out. When she’s asleep, I go over there and write misspelled words on them.
  • In Vegas, I got into a long argument with the man at the roulette wheel over what I considered to be an odd number.
  • The older you get, the more you learn to see what you’ve been taught to see. When you’re a kid, you see what’s there.
  • When I was in boy scouts, I slipped on the ice and hurt my ankle. A little old lady had to help me across the street.
  • I went to the bank and asked to borrow a cup of money. They said, ‘What for?’ I said, ‘I’m going to buy some sugar.’
  • You know what scares me? When you have to be nice to some paranoid schizophrenic, just because she lives in your head.
  • It was the first time I was ever in love, and I learned a lot. Before that I’d never even thought about killing myself.
  • When I was crossing the border into Canada, they asked if I had any firearms with me. I said, ‘Well, what do you need?’
  • Doing stand-up is like running across a frozen pond with the ice breaking behind you. I love it because it’s dangerous.
  • I feel lucky that I can have people laugh solidly for a whole hour by just saying what I think and getting paid for it.
  • If you are in a spaceship that is traveling at the speed of light, and you turn on the headlights, does anything happen?
  • Tell a man that there are 400 billion stars and he’ll believe you. Tell him a bench has wet paint and he has to touch it.
  • Some friends of mine got me a sweater for my birthday. I’d have preferred a moaner or a screamer, but the sweater was OK.
  • I have the world’s largest collection of seashells. I keep it on all the beaches of the world… perhaps you’ve seen it.
  • The other day I went to a tourist information booth and asked, ‘Tell me about some of the people who were here last year.
  • It’s a good thing we have gravity or else when birds died they’d just stay right up there. Hunters would be all confused.
  • I laugh all the time – at things, people, stuff, whatever. But, I don’t laugh onstage because then it’s serious business.
  • You know, the New Testament is pretty old. I think they should call them the Old Testament and the Most Recent Testament.
  • Believe the hype: Yankees catcher Gary Sanchez might be the real deal by DJ Gallo, www.theguardian.com. September 1, 2016.
  • I got a dog and named him ‘Stay’. Now, I go ‘Come here, Stay!’ After a while, the dog went insane and wouldn’t move at all.
  • Real life? Well, I just hope mine isn’t investigated. They might find that I don’t really exist – that I’m just a hologram.
  • I took a course in speed reading. Then I got Reader’s Digest on microfilm. By the time I got the machine set up, I was done.
  • When I was in school the teachers told me practice makes perfect; then they told me nobody’s perfect so I stopped practicing.
  • There’s a pizza place near where I live that sells only slices. In the back, you can see a guy tossing a triangle in the air.
  • I was in the supermarket the other day, and I met a lady in the aisle where they keep the generic brands. Her name was ‘woman.
  • My friend Sally is a nudist. I went to her house. The closets have no doors. The walls are covered with see-through wallpaper.
  • Very rarely do I talk off the top of my head on stage. I’m not an improv guy. I’m a writer-guy who presents what he’s written.
  • I moved into an all-electric house. I forgot and left the porch light on all day. When I got home the front door wouldn’t open.
  • My doctor told me I shouldn’t work out until I’m in better shape. I told him, ‘All right; don’t send me a bill until I pay you.’
  • I was born by Caesarian section . . . but not so you’d notice. It’s just that when I leave a house, I go out through the window.
  • When I was a kid I had a friend who worked in a radio station. Whenever we walked under a bridge, you couldn’t hear what he said.
  • I need one of those baby monitors from my subconscious to my consciousness so I can know what the hell I’m really thinking about.
  • Last year we drove across the country…We had one cassette tape to listen to on the entire trip… I don’t remember what it was.
  • I like George Carlin’s jokes. I like his humor. He’s one of my heroes, and I like what he did with talking about everyday things.
  • I put contact lenses in my dog’s eyes. They had little pictures of cats on them. Then I took one out and he ran around in circles.
  • When I was 16… I worked in a pet store. And they fired me because… they had three snakes in there, and one day I braided them.
  • I put a new engine in my car, but forgot to take the old one out. Now my car goes 500 miles per hour. The harmonica sounds amazing.
  • The other day when I was walking through the woods, I saw a rabbit standing in front of a candle making shadows of people on a tree.
  • It seems like we wake up and it’s a race until you get to bed. It gets to you after a while and you think, ‘What the hell am I doing?’
  • Good jokes are gems. A good idea is hard to come by. I couldn’t give them to someone else, even for money. It just wouldn’t seem right.
  • I was in a grocery store. I saw a sign that said ‘pet supplies.’ So I did. Then I went outside and saw a sign that said, ‘Compact cars.
  • My nephew has HDADHD. High Definition Attention Deficit Disorder. He can barely pay attention, but when he does it’s unbelievably clear.
  • The best kind of friend is the kind you sit with, never say a word and walk away feeling like it was the best conversation you ever had.
  • A beautiful woman moved in next door. So I went over and returned a cup of sugar. She said, “You didn’t borrow this.” I said, ” I will!”
  • What I like about the jokes, to me it’s a lot of logic, no matter how crazy they are. It has to make absolute sense, or it won’t be funny.
  • I’m kinda tired. I was up all night trying to round off infinity. Then I got bored and went out and painted passing lines on curved roads.
  • Having sex with her is incredible. It’s just like a concert. We throw Frisbees around the room. And when she wants more she lights a match.
  • The other day, I was walking my dog around my building . . . on the ledge. Some people are afraid of heights. Not me, I’m afraid of widths.
  • I got an answering machine for my phone. . . . Now, when I’m not home and somebody calls me up . . . they hear a recording of a busy signal.
  • If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?
  • I saw a small bottle of cologne and asked if it was for sale. She said, “It’s free with purchase.” I asked her if anyone bought anything toda
  • I was born. When I was 23 I started telling jokes. Then I started going on television and doing films. That’s still what I am doing. The end.
  • When I turned two I was really anxious, because I’d doubled my age in a year. I thought, if this keeps up, by the time I’m six I’ll be ninety.
  • When I get real bored, I like to drive downtown and get a great parking spot, then sit in my car and count how many people ask if I’m leaving.
  • You know how it is when you’re walking up the stairs, and you get to the top, and you think there’s one more step? I’m like that all the time.
  • I like to talk about lint and coasters, the expansion of the universe and maybe McDonald’s. I’m completely turned off by the idea of politics.
  • A friend of mine once sent me a post card with a picture of the entire planet Earth taken from space. On the back it said, ‘Wish you were here.
  • I changed my headlights the other day. I put in strobe lights instead! Now when I drive at night, it looks like everyone else is standing still.
  • I went camping and borrowed a circus tent by mistake. I didn’t notice until I got it set up. People complained because they couldn’t see the lake.
  • So I got off the plane and I forget to take off my seat-belt and I’m dragging the plane through the terminal… The wings are knocking people over.
  • I used to be an airline pilot. I got fired because I kept locking the keys in the plane. They caught me on an 80 foot stepladder with a coat hanger.
  • A friend of mine is into Voodoo Acupuncture. You don’t have to go. You’ll just be walking down the street and . . . ooooohhhhhh, that’s much better.
  • I’d like to sing you a song now about my old girlfriend. It’s called “They’ll Find Her When the Leaves Blow Away ‘Cause I’m Not Raking ‘Til Spring.”
  • One time a cop pulled me over for running a stop sign. He said, “Didn’t you see the stop sign?” I said, “Yeah, but I don’t believe everything I read”
  • I’m seeing the world partially through the eyes of a kid. Not all the time. There’s no black and white to it. But sometimes I’m seeing it like I’m 4.
  • I got pulled over by a cop, and he said, ‘do you know the speed limit here is 55 miles per hour?’. So I said, ‘oh, that’s OK, I’m not going that far.’
  • I bought a self learning record to learn Spanish. I turned it on and went to sleep; the record got stuck. The next day I could only stutter in Spanish.
  • When I was a fetus, I used to sneak out at night when my mother was sleeping. I figured I should start stealing stuff while I still had no fingerprints.
  • I heard that in relativity theory, space and time are the same thing. Einstein discovered this when he kept showing up three miles late for his meetings.
  • When I was a kid, I never did funny things to get attention. I was never a funny person. I was never, like, ‘Oh, wow. I could say this some day on stage.’
  • Last night somebody broke into my apartment and replaced everything with exact duplicates… When I pointed it out to my roommate, he said, “Do I know you?
  • People think my friend George is weird because he wears sideburns…behind his ears. I think he’s weird because he wears false teeth…with braces on them.
  • I collect rare photographs… I have two… One of Houdini locking his keys in his car… the other is a rare picture of Norman Rockwell beating up a child.
  • Nobody can really compare a relationship in which the victim is 15 years old to one where she’s 6. While both criminal, they’re very different circumstances.
  • For a while I didn’t have a car . . . I had a helicopter . . . no place to park it, so I just tied it to a lamp post and left it running. [slow glance upward]
  • My grandfather gave me a watch. It doesn’t have any hands or numbers. He says it’s very accurate. I asked him what time it was. You can guess what he told me.
  • I have two pairs of reading glasses. One pair is for reading fiction, the other for non-fiction. I’ve read the Bible twice wearing each pair, and it’s the same.
  • When I was five years old I was on a merry go round. There was a gunshot nearby. The horses stampeded. There I was running down the street on a purple wooden horse.
  • My girlfriend’s weird. One day she asked me, ‘If you could know how and when you were going to die, would you want to know?’ I said, ‘No.’ She said, ‘Okay, forget it.
  • While I was gone, somebody rearranged on the furniture in my bedroom. They put it in exactly the same place it was. When I told my roommate, he said: “Do I know you?”
  • I always thought Johnny Carson was just brilliant, and I used to watch him and all the comics that would be on the show every night – and I’d dream about it being me.
  • My house is made out of balsa wood, so when I want to scare the neighborhood kids I lift it over my head and tell them to get out of my yard or I’ll throw it at them.
  • I wrote a song, but I can’t read music so I don’t know what it is. Every once in a while I’ll be listening to the radio and I say, “I think I might have written that.”
  • I turned my air conditioner the other way around and it got cold out. The weatherman said ‘I don’t understand it. It was supposed to be 80 degrees out today.’ I said, oops
  • Childhood was very nice. The only thing wrong was that I was so introverted, everything became a big deal… ‘Oh, no, here comes the bus. Where am I gonna sit on the bus?’
  • You know how it is when you’re reading a book and falling asleep, you’re reading, reading… and all of a sudden you notice your eyes are closed? I’m like that all the time.
  • I bought a dog the other day. . . . I named him Stay. It’s fun to call him. . . . “Come here, Stay! Come here, Stay!” He went insane. Now he just ignores me and keeps typing.
  • I made a chocolate cake with white chocolate. Then I took it to a potluck. I stood in line for some cake. They said, “Do you want white cake or chocolate cake?” I said, “yes.”
  • Comedians are sociologists. We’re pointing out stuff that the general public doesn’t even stop to think about, looking at life in slow-motion and questioning everything we see.
  • The lady across the hall tried to rob a department store . . . with a pricing gun. She said, “Give me all of the money in the vault, or I’m marking down everything in the store.”
  • You know how it is when you go to be the subject of a psychology experiment and nobody else shows up and you think maybe that’s part of the experiment? I’m like that all the time.
  • I bought my brother some gift-wrap for Christmas. I took it to the gift wrap department and told them to wrap it, but in a different print so he would know when to stop unwrapping.
  • My favorite book is anything by Kurt Vonnegut – he’s my literary hero. I got to meet him several times, which was a great thrill for me. I don’t really remember what we talked about.
  • My dental hygienist is cute. Every time I visit, I eat a whole package of Oreo cookies while waiting in the lobby. Sometimes she has to cancel the rest of the afternoon’s appointments.
  • I recently went to the hardware store and I bought some used paint… it was in a shape of a house. I also bought some batteries, but they weren’t included. So I had to buy them again.
  • I went down the street to the 24-hour grocery. When I got there, the guy was locking the front door. I said, ‘Hey, the sign says you’re open 24 hours.’ He said, ‘Yes, but not in a row.’
  • You know those things that you throw the twigs into and it spits them out? That’s what I do. The branches are like life, and I throw them into my head and some of it comes out as humor.
  • I have a map of the United States… Actual size. It says, ‘Scale: 1 mile = 1 mile.’ I spent last summer folding it. I hardly ever unroll it. People ask me where I live, and I say, ‘E6.
  • I’m used to seeing it, but it’s weird having an Academy Award. You usually only see one of them on the TV show when they give them out, so it’s kind of surreal to have one in your house.
  • I wear a hat on stage so that people won’t be blinded by the reflection from my head. Also, if I don’t wear a hat, there’s no way that the hat can be at that level by itself on the stage.
  • Babies don’t need a vacation, but I still see them at the beach… it pisses me off! I’ll go over to a little baby and say ‘What are you doing here? You haven’t worked a day in your life!’
  • I didn’t tell any of my friends that I wanted to be a comedian, because I was superstitious. I thought if I told people, it wouldn’t happen. So I kept it all in my head for years and years.
  • I love eating chocolate cake and ice cream after a show. I almost justify it in my mind as, ‘You were a good boy onstage and you did your show, so now you can have some cake and ice cream.’
  • I paint; I draw and paint – I’ve been doing that since I was in third grade, drawing realistically and then changing to abstract art. That was my first creative thing before guitar or comedy.
  • In my house there’s this light switch that doesn’t do anything. Every so often, I would flick it on and off just to check. Yesterday, I got a call from a woman in Germany. She said ‘cut it out’
  • Today I dialed a wrong number… The other person said, “Hello?” and I said, “Hello, could I speak to Joey?”… They said, “Uh… I don’t think so… he’s only 2 months old.” I said, “I’ll wait.”
  • Winny and I lived in a house that ran on static electricity. If you wanted to run the blender, you had to rub balloons on your head. If you wanted to cook, you had to pull off a sweater real quick
  • I went to this restaurant last night that was set up like a big buffet in the shape of an Ouija board. You’d think about what kind of food you want, and the table would move across the floor to it.
  • I got my driver’s license photo taken out of focus on purpose. Now when I get pulled over, the cop looks at it [moving it nearer and farther, trying to see it clearly], and says, “Here, you can go”
  • When I have a kid, I want to buy one of those strollers for twins. Then put the kid in and run around, looking frantic. When he gets older, I’d tell him he used to have a brother, but he didn’t obey.
  • Doing a little work around the house. I put fake brick wallpaper over a real brick wall, just so I’d be the only one who knew. People come over and I’m gonna say, “Go ahead, touch it… it feels real.”
  • To the audience, it’s like I’m changing the subject every five seconds, but to me, my show’s almost like a 90-minute song that I know exactly. I wrote every note, and I know exactly where everything is.
  • You know when you’re sitting on a chair and you lean back so you’re just on two legs and you lean too far so you almost fall over but at the last second you catch yourself? I feel like that all the time.
  • I don’t go off and sit down and try to write material, because then it’s contrived and forced. I just live my life, and I see things in a word or a situation or a concept, and it will create a joke for me.
  • If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn’t it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked, and dry cleaners depressed?
  • People may think I’m trying something new by telling stories, but they’re just jokes connected to give the illusion of stories. But really, I just continue using my imagination and creating. That’s what I do.
  • I saw a sign at a gas station. It said ‘help wanted’. There was another sign below it that said ‘self service’. So I hired myself. Then I made myself the boss. I gave myself a raise. I paid myself. Then I quit.
  • One time the power went out in my house and I had to use the flash on my camera to see my way around. I made a sandwich and took fifty pictures of my face. The neighbors thought there was lightning in my house.
  • Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are we supposed to do, write to them? Why don’t they just put their pictures on the postage stamps so the postmen can look for them while they deliver the mail?
  • I was watching the Superbowl with my 92 year old grandfather. The team scored a touchdown. They showed the instant replay. He thought they scored another one. I was gonna tell him, but I figured the game HE was watching was better.
  • I’ve been doing comedy longer than I haven’t been doing comedy, as I was performing for three years before I even got on ‘The Tonight Show.’ There’s truly nothing like it; it’s intense and exhilarating, even though it looks so casual.
  • I feel very lucky to make a living from my imagination; I’m very grateful for that. I like that what I do is create. I’m feeling very lucky to have had the career I had. It’s gone much longer and bigger than I ever thought it would be.
  • The other night I came home late, and tried to unlock my house with my car keys. I started the house up. So, I drove it around for a while. I was speeding, and a cop pulled me over. He asked where I lived. I said, “Right here, officer.”
  • I’m standing behind a wall of jokes. You don’t know about my personal life, my girlfriends, or what I do when I’m not on the road. There’s this guy, this comedian, and this is how he thinks, but people really don’t know anything about me.
  • In a lot of ways, success is much harder than I thought it would be. I figured that you’d get here and then everything would be happily ever after. But, it’s hard work, almost harder once you’re successful because you’ve got to maintain it.
  • I once tried to commit suicide by jumping off a building…I changed my mind at the last minute, so I just flipped over and landed on my feet. Two little kittens nearby saw what happened and one turns to the other and says, “See, that’s how it’s done.”
  • George Carlin’s album, ‘Class Clown,’ came out when I was in high school. I memorized a lot of that album. I’d come home from school, put it on, and listen over and over. I started memorizing it. I don’t even know why. I loved it so much I memorized it.
  • Honestly, I just go to restaurants to eat so I won’t die. If there was a pill I could take in January and then I wouldn’t have to eat again for the rest of the year, I would take it. Of course, I wouldn’t want to sacrifice my chocolate cake and ice cream.

 

  • I don’t feel that I’m explaining the world or teaching people anything. And I’m not trying to be a mirror, showing them what’s really going on the world. All I’m trying to do is think of stuff that’s funny, just like when I’m kidding around with my friends.
  • I never even thought of myself as deadpan until someone wrote an article about me about a year after I was doing comedy. There was a paper called the ‘Boston Phoenix,’ and someone wrote a description of what I was doing and that’s where I first saw ‘deadpan.’
  • I saw a close friend of mine the other day. . . . He said, “Stephen, why haven’t you called me?” I said, “I can’t call everyone I want. My new phone has no five on it.” He said, “How long have you had it?” I said, “I don’t know . . . my calendar has no sevens on it.”
  • I don’t like the sound of my phone ringing so I put my phone inside my fish tank. I can’t hear it, but every time I get a call I see the fish go like this <<<>>><<>><<<<. I go down to the pet store and said, “Give me another ten guppies, I got a lot of calls yesterday.”
  • My mother is from another time – the funniest person to her is Lucille Ball; that’s what she loves. A lot of times she tells me she doesn’t know what I’m talking about. I know if I wasn’t her son and she was flipping through the TV and saw me, she would just keep going.
  • It’s very interesting, the joke comes first and then the wording comes within five seconds, maybe ten seconds. My thing is to get the joke across in as few words as possible. However, sometimes a word that’s not really needed does help the rhythm of it. It’s a gut feeling.
  • The things I talk about and explain couldn’t happen – yet, they don’t seem impossible – you could say I talk about the world in an abstract perspective. But then, the world is basically insane – and it’s trying to pass itself off as being a sane place. I show it for what it is.
  • There’s something about being in front of a live audience that’s fun. It’s a really interesting, very electric, very alive, and intense experience, and you can’t get it anywhere else. And I’ve been doing it since I was 23, so it’s part of my being – it’s part of my fabric as a person.
  • A cop stopped me for speeding/ He said, ‘Why were you going so fast?’ I said, ‘See this thing my foot is on? It’s called an accelerator. When you push down on it, it sends more gas to the engine. The whole car just takes right off. And see this thing [mimes steering wheel]? This steers it’
  • When I was on TV in the ’80s, I wasn’t thinking, ‘There’s a 10-year-old kid watching this and in 15 years, he’s gonna be doing stuff that was influenced by me.’ I was trying to get my five minutes together. So now that those people are comedians and they’re influenced by me – it’s bizarre.
  • I was in a job interview and I opened a book and started reading. Then I said to the guy ‘Let me ask you a question. If you are in a spaceship that is traveling at the speed of light, and you turn on the headlights, does anything happen?’ He said ‘I don’t know’. I said ‘I don’t want your job’.
  • I’ve been thinking of humorous things since I was… I can’t remember when. All the way through elementary school, all the way through junior high, all the way through high school, through college and after college, I was thinking of the same kinds of things that I say in front of an audience now.
  • When I’m on stage, it’s really intense. My mind is going a million miles an hour, trying to remember my act, trying to say it all the right way. It’s funny how different it looks and how it’s happening. There are three Fellini circuses in my head, and outwardly it looks like I’m going to get a bagel.
  • I liked school, but I used to dread those moments when the teacher would call me up to give an oral report. I forced myself to deal with it and not dwell on the class in front of me – to keep a straight face, give the report and concentrate on getting it right. That’s normally how I perform. That’s how I am.
  • It’s very intense to be in front of a live audience. It’s just an amazing experience. It’s dangerous. Everything out there is heightened. The bad stuff is extra-worse. The silences are extra-silent. The good stuff is amazing. It’s electric when you walk out there. For 90 minutes, you’re on this other planet.
  • Two babies were born on the same day at the same hospital. They lay there and looked at each other. Their families came and took them away. Eighty years later, by a bizarre coincidence, they lay in the same hospital, on their deathbeds, next to each other. One of them looked at the other and said, ‘So, what did you think?
  • I’ve always had to conquer fear when I’m on stage. Basically, I was and still am a very shy person. It’s absolutely in conflict with what I do. But once I deliver the first joke I’m okay. It’s like I’m out there all by myself just delivering my lines to nobody in particular without ever trying to notice the audience in front of me.
  • One day, when I came home from work, I accidentally put my car key in the door of my apartment building. I turned it, and the whole building started up. So I drove it around. A policeman stopped me for going too fast. He said, “Where do you live?” I said, “Right here!” Then I drove my building onto the middle of a highway, and I ran outside, and told all of the cars to get the hell out of my driveway.

 

 

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