• A beautiful woman is one I notice. A charming woman is one who notices me. John Erskine
• A foolish man tells a woman to stop talking, but a wise man tells her that her mouth is extremely beautiful when her lips are closed.  Helen Rowland
• A garden is a thing of beauty and a job forever. Richard Briers
• All God’s children are not beautiful; most of God’s children are in fact barely presentable. Fran Lebowitz
• Any girl can be glamorous. All you have to do is stand still and look stupid. Hedy Lamarr
• Ask a toad what is beauty and he will answer that it is a female with two great round eyes coming out of her head, a flat mouth, a yellow belly and a brown back.
• Autumn is the most beautiful time of the year to the person who has no leaves to rake.
• Beauty fades, dumb is forever.
• Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.
• Beauty is in the eye of the beholder and it may be necessary from time to time to give a stupid or misinformed beholder a black eye. Miss Piggy
• Beauty is only skin deep and the world is full of thin skinned people. Richard Armour
• Beauty is only skin deep but it is a valuable asset if you are poor or have not any sense. Frank  …Kin’ Hubbard
• Beauty is power; a smile is its sword.  Charles Reade
• Beauty may be skin deep but ugly goes clear to the bone. Dorothy Parker
• Beauty Parlour: A place where women curl up and dye. Aiken Drum
• Beauty: That power by which a woman charms a lover and terrifies a husband.  Ambrose Bierce
• Beauty’s In The Eye Of The Beer Holder Adam Harvey
• Bigamist: A man who marries a beautiful girl and a good cook.
• Black beauty – he’s a dark horse.   Tim Vine
• Brian London possesses the most unbeautiful face – it looks as if it at one time fell apart and was reassembled by a drunken mechanic.   Michael Parkinson
• Can officially confirm that the way to a man’s heart these days is not through beauty, food, sex, or alluringness of character, but merely the ability to seem not very interested in him.  Helen Fielding
• Competence like truth beauty and contact lenses is in the eye of the beholder. Laurence J. Peter
• Confucius say beauty is only a light switch away.   Confucius
• Dont stop! I dont usually get to see beauty in motion
• Genius lasts longer than Beauty. That accounts for the fact that we all take such pains to over-educate ourselves.  Oscar Wilde
• He has so much brain and so little beauty. Alice Roosevelt Longworth
• Her breath takes her beauty away
• I always say beauty is only sin deep. H. H. Munro
• I believe that sex is the most wonderful and beautiful thing that money can buy. Steve Martin
• I can preserve a child’s smile.  Make any woman feel beautiful.  Bring a grown man to tears 50 years from now.  And freeze time.  What’s your superpower?
• I guess I’ll never forget her. And maybe I don’t want to. Her spirit was wild like a wild monkey. Her beauty was like a beautiful horse being ridden by a wild monkey. I forget her other qualities. Jack Handey
• I spent seven hours in a beauty shop and that was for the estimate. Phyllis Diller
• I was in love with a beautiful blonde once dear. She drove me to drink. That’s the one thing I’m indebted to her for. C. Fields
• I’ve never had an intelligent conversation with a beautiful woman. But then, I’ve never had an intelligent conversation. Or talked to a beautiful woman. Bauvard
• I’m tired of all this nonsense about beauty being only skin-deep. That’s deep enough. What do you want, an adorable pancreas? Jean Kerr
• If a woman is upset, hold her and tell her how beautiful she is. If she starts to growl, retreat to a safe distance and throw chocolate at her.
• If brains were all that important in a beauty contest you could enter wearing a Hefty Bag. Lewis Grizzard Jr.
• If I Said You Had A Beautiful Body Would You Hold It Against Me? The Bellamy Brothers
• If you retain nothing else always remember the most important rule of beauty which is: who cares? Tina Fey
• It is better to be beautiful than to be good but it is better to be good than to be ugly. Oscar Wilde
• It is better to have an ugly wife for one’s self than a beautiful wife for others. Proverb
• It’s a good thing that beauty is only skin deep, or I’d be rotten to the core. Phyllis Diller
• It’s so beautifully arranged on the plate you know someone’s fingers have been all over it. Julia Child on nouvelle cuisine
• It’s sort of like a beauty contest; it’s very easy to pick the top one two or three girls but then the rest of them look the same. Gil Brandt
• John, do you think I’m the most beautiful girl in the world. Ugh Huh. Do you think my lips are like rose petals. Ugh huh. Do you love me with all your heart and soul. Ugh huh Oh John, you say the nicest things.
• Life is beautiful then you die.
• Living in England provincial England must be like being married to a stupid but exquisitely beautiful wife. Margaret Halsey
• Love is the delightful interval between meeting a beautiful girl and discovering that she looks like a haddock. John Barrymore
• Man is a beautiful machine that works very badly. L. Mencken
• Most people get an appointment at a beauty parlor I was committed!   Phyllis Diller
• My dream woman has a special combination of inner and outer beauty and is, most importantly, too naive to know she’s way out of my league.
• My friend said I couldn’t start a conversation with the most beautiful girl in the room. Will you help me prove he was wrong?
• My girlfriend has lovely colored eyes; I particularly like the blue one. Harry Scott
• My wife was too beautiful for words but not for arguments.   John Barrymore
• My wife went to a beauty parlor and got a mudpack; for two days she looked nice then the mud fell off. Charles ‘Chic’ Murray
• On a beautiful day like this it’s hard to believe anyone can be unhappy – but we’ll work on it.   Barr’s Comment on Domestic Tranquility
• Plain women are always jealous of their husbands. Beautiful women never are. They are always so occupied with being jealous of other women’s husbands. Oscar Wilde
• Poetry :  The rhythmical creation of beauty in words.  Edgar Allan Poe
• Psychologist :  A man who, when a beautiful woman enters the room, watches everyone else.   Bruce Patterson
• Sex between two people is a beautiful thing – between five it’s fantastic.   Woody Allen
• Sex is one of the most wholesome, beautiful and natural experiences that money can buy.  Steve Martin.
• She got her good looks from her father he’s a plastic surgeon. Groucho Marx
• She is a peacock in everything but beauty. Oscar Wilde
• She was a beauty in her youth – a fact which she alone remembers. Benjamin Constant
• She was at the beauty shop for two hours. That was only for the estimate.
• Sleep the most beautiful experience in life  – except drink.   C. Fields
• The average man is more interested in a woman that is interested in him than he is in any women – any women –    with beautiful legs. 
• The beauty of male has not yet been portrayed by the only one who can do so-the female
• The best way to turn a woman’s head is to tell her she has a beautiful profile. Sacha Guitry
• The most beautiful words in the English language are not “I love you” but “benign.  Woody Allen
• The point is that it doesn’t matter if you look like a beast before or after the hit as long as you look like a beauty at the moment of impact. Seve Ballesteros
• The same dress is indecent ten years before its time; daring one year before its time; chic in its time; dowdy five years after its time; hideous twenty years after its time; amusing thirty years after its time; romantic one hundred years after its time; beautiful one hundred and fifty years after its time. James Laver
• The two most beautiful words in the English language are: Check Enclosed. Dorothy Parker
• There is a difference between beauty and charm.  A beautiful woman is one I notice.  A charming woman is one who notices me. J. Erskine
• There is no sunrise so beautiful that it is worth waking me up to see it.  Mindy Kaling
• There is not one female comic who was beautiful as a little girl. Joan Rivers
• There is only one most beautiful child in the world and every mother has it. Stephen Leacock
• There’s a difference between beauty and charm; a beautiful woman is one I notice a charming woman is one who notices me. John Erskine
• Thou shalt not covet they neighbor’s wife unless she’s a beauty. C. Fields
• Time is a great healer, but a poor beautician. Lucille S. Harper
• Wagner has beautiful moments but awful quarter hours. Gioachino Rossini
• We have a beautiful little girl who we named after my mom; in fact Passive Aggressive Psycho turns five tomorrow. Stewart Francis
• We must respect the other fellow’s religion but only in the sense and to the extent that we respect his theory that his wife is beautiful and his children smart. L. Mencken
• What is it about a beautiful sunny afternoon with the birds singing and the wind rustling through the leaves that makes you want to get drunk? Jack Handey
• Whatever you may look like, marry a man your own age – as your beauty fades, so will his eyesight. Phyllis Diller
• When I go to the beauty parlor I always use the emergency entrance. Phyllis Diller
• When I meet a beautiful girl the first thing I say is ‘will you marry me? the second thing I say is ‘how do you do?’ Tommy Manville
• Woman: A creature whom God made beautiful that man might love her, and unreasonable that she might love man.
• Yes, having a child is surely the most beautifully irrational act that two people in love can commit.  Bill Cosby
• You’re the most beautiful woman I’ve ever seen which doesn’t say much for you. Groucho Marx
• Arguments out of a pretty mouth are unanswerable. Joseph Addison

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