Christmas is a time when…

• Christmas is a time when everybody wants his past forgotten and his present remembered. Phyllis Diller
• Christmas is when people get emotional over family ties – especially if they have to wear them.
• Christmas is a time when kids tell Santa what they want and adults pay for it. Deficits are when adults tell the government what they want and their kids pay for it. Richard Lamm
• Christmas is a time when people of all religions come together to worship Jesus Christ. Bart Simpson
• Christmas: A warm cheery two-month festival that celebrates the joy of retail merchandise.
• Once again we find ourselves enmeshed in the Holiday Season, that very special time of year when we join with our loved ones in sharing centuries-old traditions such as trying to find a parking space at the mall. We traditionally do this in my family by driving around the parking lot until we see a shopper emerge from the mall, then we follow her, in very much the same spirit as the Three Wise Men, who 2,000 years ago followed a star, week after week, until it led them to a parking space.  Dave Barry

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The spirit of Christmas

• A Merry Christmas to all my friends except two. C. Fields
• A lovely thing about Christmas is that it’s compulsory, like a thunderstorm, and we all go through it together. Garrison Keillor
• Next to a circus there ain’t nothing that packs up and tears out faster than the Christmas spirit. Frank  …Kin’ Hubbard
• Oh joy Christmas Eve. By this time tomorrow millions of Americans knee-deep in tinsel and wrapping paper will utter those heartfelt words …Is this all I got?’   Kelsey Grammer
• That’s the true spirit of Christmas; people being helped by people other than me. Jerry Seinfeld
• There is a remarkable breakdown of taste and intelligence at Christmastime. Mature, responsible grown men wear neckties made of holly leaves and drink alcoholic beverages with raw egg yolks and cottage cheese in them.  J. O’Rourke

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Christmas cards

• After you’ve mailed your last card, you will receive a card from someone you overlooked. Milstead’s Christmas Card Rule
• Money’s scarce / Times are hard / Here’s your fucking / Xmas card. Phyllis Diller

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Christmas and children

• There is something about Christmas that requires a rug rat. Little kids make Christmas fun. I wonder if could rent one for the holidays. Laurie Halse Anderson

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The commercial nature of Christmas

• Three phrases that sum up Christmas are: Peace on Earth, Goodwill to Men, and Batteries not Included.
• From a commercial point of view if Christmas did not exist it would be necessary to invent it. Katharine Whitehorn

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Christmas presents

• A severed foot is the ultimate stocking stuffer. Mitch Hedberg
• The worst gift I was given is when I got out of rehab that Christmas; a bottle of wine. It was delicious. Craig Ferguson
• Last Christmas I got no respect. In my stocking I got an odor eater. Rodney Dangerfield
• Mail your packages early so the post office can lose them in time for Christmas. Johnny Carson
• My kid wanted a BB gun for Christmas I got him the BB gun and he gave me a sweater with a bull’s eye on it. Rodney Dangerfield
• The worst gift is a fruitcake. There is only one fruitcake in the entire world, and people keep sending it to each other. Johnny Carson

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Being mean with the presents

• I once bought my kids a set of batteries for Christmas with a note on it saying, toys not included. Bernard Manning
• Nothing’s as mean as giving a little child something useful for Christmas. Frank  …Kin’ Hubbard
• My parents always said that knowledge was the best gift they could give me, probably because they were too cheap to buy me Christmas or Birthday presents. Jarod Kintz
• I didn’t feel like buying him the jacket he asked for Christmas, so I just got him a coat hanger with a sticky note attached that read, “Here’s something for you to hang your dreams on, pal. Jarod Kintz

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Christmas and sex

• I was going to post you something hot and sexy for Christmas … but the postman told me to take the stamps off my ass and get the hell out of the post-box!
• Why are women’s breasts like a train set a kid gets at Christmas time ? A: Because they were originally  made for children but the father wants to play with them.
• The one thing women don’t want to find in their stockings on Christmas morning is their husband. Joan Rivers

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Christmas dinner

• Why do Canadians find turkey so popular at Christmas? Ans: Because the weather warmer there.
• Who doesn’t eat on Christmas? A turkey because it is always stuffed.
• What’s the most popular Christmas wine? Ans: ‘I don’t like Brussels sprouts!’

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Belief in Santa

• I never believed in Santa Claus because I knew no white dude would come into my neighborhood after dark. Dick Gregory
• Christmas always sucked when I was a kid because I believed in Santa Claus and unfortunately so did my parents. Charlie Viracola

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Groan-worthy Santa lines

• A boy writes to Santa asking for a brother and receives a reply back from Santa: send me your mother!
• Christmas has been cancelled! Santa died laughing when I told him you’d been good this year!
• Control yourself. I don’t want water on my knee.
• For Christmas I want Santa’s list of naughty girls.
• Guess what I had for breakfast this morning. Mistle Toast!
• Guess where I stay on holiday. At a ho-ho tel!
• Have you been a good girl – or do you need a spanking.
• Heh baby, when was the last time you did it in a sleigh?
• How many chimneys did I do down today? Stacks!
• Hurry up, I have another Xmas I need to get to next year.
• I come down chimneys because it soots me.
• I know you’ve been bad, so let’s dispense with the small talk, little lady.
• I’ve got something very special in my sack for you.
• Know why I’m so jolly? Cause I know where all the bad girls live.
• Sorry I’m late, I got my sack caught in the chimney.
• Wanna be my elf for the night?
• Wanna come with me on the sleigh and join the mile high club?
• Wanna see my 12 inch elf?
• Wanna see my North Pole?
• What do you get when you cross me with a duck. A Xmas Quacker!
• What does one ho plus two ho make? Answer, a jolly Santa
• You scared of me? Are you Claus-trophobic?
• Aren’t we forgetting the true meaning of Christmas; you know the birth of Santa. Bart Simpson
• I’m lonely up in the North Pole. To be honest, I need someone really bad. Are you really bad?”

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Groan-worthy Santa jokes

• What is the best evidence that Microsoft has a monopoly? A: Santa Claus had to switch from Chimneys to Windows.
• The 4 stages of life: 1. You believe in Santa Claus 2. You don’t believe in Santa Claus 3. You dress up as Santa Claus 4. You look like Santa Claus
• The awkward moment when Santa Claus has the same wrapping paper as your parents.
• What do the female reindeer do when Santa takes the male reindeer out on Christmas Eve ? A: They go into town, and blow a few bucks.
• What do you call a kid who doesn’t believe in Santa? A rebel without a Claus.
• What do you call people who are afraid of Santa Claus? A: Claustrophobic.
• What do you call Santa’s helpers? A: Subordinate clauses
• What does Santa bring naughty boys and girls on Christmas Eve? A: A pack of batteries which at the bottom says “toy not included”
• What goes “oh oh oh”? A: Santa walking backwards
• What nationality is Santa Claus? A: North Polish.
• Who delivers Christmas presents to dogs? A: Santa paws!
• Why doesn’t Santa have any children ? A: Because he only comes once a year, and when he does, it’s down the chimney.
• Why is Christmas just like your job? A: You do all the work and the fat guy with the suit gets all the credit.
• Why is Santa’s sack so full? Because he only comes once a year.
• Why was Santa’s little helper depressed? A: Because he had low elf esteem.
• Woman: Santa please stay and keep me warm, it is so cold. Santa: Ho, Ho, Ho Santa’s gotta go. Gotta bring the toys to the kids you know. Woman: Oh please Santa, even just for a little bit? Santa: Ho, Ho, Ho Santas gotta go. Gotta bring the toys to the kids you know. (Woman takes off her robe and reveals that she is wearing nothing else and has a perfect body) Woman: Are you sure Santa? Santa: Ho, Ho, Ho Santas gotta stay. Can’t get up the chimney with my cock this way.
• Why is Father Xmas always so jolly? Cause he knows where all the bad girls live.
• Santa is very jolly because he knows where all the bad girls live. Dennis Miller

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More groan-worthy one-liners

• What do you call an elf that sings? ELFIS
• What’s the difference between snowmen and snowladies ? A: Snowballs.

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Final thoughts

• I’ve learned that you can tell a lot about a person by the way he/she handles these three things: a rainy day, lost luggage, and tangled Christmas tree lights. Maya Angelou
• If “ifs” and “buts” were candy and nuts, wouldn’t it be a Merry Christmas? Don Meredith
• The outdoor lights that tested perfectly indoors develop burn-outs as soon as they are strung on the house. Law of Christmas Decorating
• The Supreme Court has ruled that they cannot have a nativity scene in Washington, D.C. This wasn’t for any religious reasons. They couldn’t find three wise men and a virgin.  Jay Leno
• What does Christmas mean if we can’t encourage small children to sit on a stranger’s lap? Ian O’Doherty
• What I don’t like about office Christmas parties is looking for a new job the next day.
• Xmas : Popular festival made to sound like a skin disease.

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