Definitions related to death

• Cemetery: A place people are dying to get into.
• Conservative : Someone who admires radicals a century after they are dead.
• Courage is the art of being the only one who knows you’re scared to death. Harold Wilson
• Death: A breath-taking experience.
• Death: Life’s way of telling you you’ve been fired.
• Death: To stop sinning suddenly.
• Death : Nature’s way of telling you to slow down.
• Death – to blink for an exceptionally long period of time. Robin Williams 
• Diet: A system of starving yourself to death so you can live a little longer.
• Eulogy: Praise of a person who has either the advantages of wealth and power or the consideration to be dead. Ambrose Bierce
• Epitaph: An inscription which hopes that virtues acquired by death will have a retroactive effect. Ambrose Bierce
• Funeral: A pageant whereby we attest our respect for the dead by enriching the undertaker, and strengthen our grief by an expenditure that deepens our groans and doubles our tears.
• Grave: A place in which the dead are laid to await the coming of the medical student.  Ambrose Bierce
• Immortality – a fate worse than death.   Edgar A. Shoaff
• Life: A continuous series of disasters which result in one’s death. Mamie Van Doren
• Martyr: One who moves along the line of least reluctance to a desired death. Ambrose Bierce
• Saint : A dead sinner revised and edited.  Ambrose Bierce
• Will: A dead giveaway.
• Violin: the revenge extracted by the intestines of a dead cat.

.

Death and taxes

• Born free, taxed to death.
• I’m spending a year dead for tax reasons. Douglas Adams
• In this world nothing is certain but death and taxes. Benjamin Franklin
• It used to be only death and taxes were inevitable. Now, of course, there’s shipping and handling, too.
• The only difference between death and taxes is that death doesn’t get worse every time Congress meets. Will Rogers
• The wages of sin are death but by the time taxes are taken out it’s just sort of a tired feeling. Paula Poundstone
• There is always death and taxes; however, death doesn’t get worse every year.
• You’re born free, then you’re taxed to death.

.

Death and marriage

• All tragedies are finished by a death; all comedies by a marriage. George (Lord) Byron
• I’d marry again if I found a man who had 15 million and would sign over half of it to me before the marriage and guarantee he’d be dead within a year. Bette Davis
• Life after death is as improbable as sex after marriage. Madeline Kahn
• Marriage can be viewed as the waiting room for death. Mike Myers
• Marriage is the death of hope. Woody Allen
• Marriage: A legal or religious ceremony by which two persons of the opposite sex solemnly agree to harass and spy on each other for ninety-nine years or until death do them join. Elbert Hubbard
• An elderly man lay dying in his bed. In death’s agony, he suddenly smelled the aroma of his favorite chocolate chip cookies wafting up the stairs. Gathering his remaining strength, he lifted himself from the bed. He slowly made his way out of the bedroom, and, with even greater effort, forced himself down the stairs, gripping the railing with both hands. With labored breath, he leaned against the door, gazing into the kitchen. Were it not for death’s agony, he would have thought himself already in heaven: there, spread out on the kitchen table, were hundreds of his favorite chocolate chip cookies. Mustering one final effort, he threw himself toward the table. His aged and withered hand painstakingly made its way toward a cookie when it was suddenly smacked by a spatula. “Stay out of those,” said his wife, “they’re for the funeral.” 
• I was married twice; my first wife died and my second one wouldn’t. Ross Bennett
• The poor wish to be rich, the rich wish to be happy the single wish to be married and the married wish to be dead. Ann Landers
• You have two choices in life: You can stay single and be miserable, or get married and wish you were dead.
• On behalf of Barbara Rutledge and her family our sincere thanks to all those sending cards and flowers and contributing to the death of her husband. Church Bulletin
• I’d marry again if I found a man who had 15 million and would sign over half of it to me before the marriage and guarantee he’d be dead within a year. Bette Davis
• I know a couple who get on like a house on fire; they both feel trapped and are slowly suffocating to death. Jimmy Carr

.

Death and sex

• Sex and death; two things that come once in a lifetime only after death you’re not so nauseous.   Woody Allen
• Sex is kicking death in the ass while singing. Charles Bukowski
• Sex is like death; only after death you don’t feel like a pizza.   Woody Allen
• The difference between sex and death is that with death you can do it alone and no one is going to make fun of you. Woody Allen  
• When you don’t have any money, the problem is food. When you have money, it’s sex. When you have both, it’s health. If everything is simply jake, then you’re frightened of death. J. P. Donleavy

.

Life and death

• Chocolate is not a matter of life and death – it’s more important than that!
• Don’t take life too seriously because you’ll never get out of it alive. Elbert Hubbard 
• I know I can’t cheat death, but I can cheat old age, and I’ve lived my life that way. Darwin Deason 
• If I was on death row and given one last meal I would ask for a fortune cookie; “Come on ‘long prosperous life!’” Mitch Hedberg 
• If life was fair Elvis would be alive and all the impersonators would be dead. Johnny Carson
• If you’re a battery you’re either working or you’re dead; it’s a shit life.   Demetri Martin
• If you’re going to make every game a matter of life or death you’re going to have a lot of problems; for one thing you’ll be dead a lot.   Dean Smith
• Life does not cease to be funny when people die any more than it ceases to be serious when people laugh. George Bernard Shaw 
• Life is better than death, I believe, if only because it is less boring, and because it has fresh peaches in it. Alice Walker 
• Life is like a very short visit to a toy shop between birth and death. Desmond Morris
• Life is not separate from death; it only looks that way. Native American proverb
• Life is pleasant. Death is peaceful. It’s the transition that’s troublesome. Matthew Arnold 
• No one escapes from life alive. Michael Crichton 
• Some people think football is a matter of life and death. I can assure them it is much more serious than that.   Bill Shankly
• Someone dying asks if there is life after death. Yes, comes the answer, only not yours. E. L. Doctorow
• When your are playing for the national championship it’s not a matter of life or death it’s more important than that.  Duffy’ Daugherty
• You have to treat death like any other part of life. Tom Sneva

.

Death – the benefits

• A statesman is a successful politician who is dead. Thomas Brackett Reed
• Death has this much to be said for it. You don’t have to get out of bed for it. Kingsley Amis 
• Death should not be seen as the end, but as a very effective way to cut down expenses. Woody Allen 
• Death will be a great relief. No more interviews. Katharine Hepburn 
• Don’t think of it as dying; just think of it as leaving early to avoid the rush. Terry Pratchett 
• Every man of genius is considerably helped by being dead. Robert Staughton Lynd
• Every society honors its live conformists and its dead troublemakers. Mignon McLaughlin
• There is no doubt that the first requirement for a composer is to be dead. Arthur Honegger
• They say even death can’t cure an idiot. Tite Kubo 
• Those who welcome death have only tried it from the ears up. Wilson Mizner 
• Truman Capote’s death was a good career move. Gore Vidal
• If people thought you were dying, they gave you their full attention. Chuck Palahniuk 
• Being dead is one way to experience nothing; another is to attend some classes at my school. Ashleigh Brilliant
• For three days after death, hair and fingernails continue to grow but phone calls taper off. Johnny Carson 
• I made my money the old fashioned way; I was very nice to a wealthy relative right before he died. Malcolm Forbes
• If I could drop dead right now I’d be the happiest man alive. Samuel Goldwyn
• On the plus side death is one of the few things that can be done just as easily lying down. Woody Allen
• The great thing about the dead, they make space. John Updike
• The key here, I think, is to not think of death as an end. But … but … think of it more as a very effective way of cutting down on your expenses. Woody Allen
• The only completely consistent people are the dead. Aldous Huxley
• The only cure for a real hangover is death. Robert Benchley 

.

Death is …

• Death is a very dull, dreary affair, and my advice to you is to have nothing whatever to do with it. Somerset Maugham 
• Death is a wonderful way of cutting down on your expenses. Woody Allen 
• Death is an acquired trait. Woody Allen
• Death is caused by swallowing small amounts of saliva over a long period of time. George Carlin 
• Death is contagious; it is contracted the moment we are conceived. Madeleine L’Engle 
• Death is God’s way of telling you not to be such a wise guy. Grenville Kleiser 
• Death is like an old whore in a bar–I’ll buy her a drink but I won’t go upstairs with her. Ernest Hemingway 
• Death is nature’s way of saying “Howdy. “
• Death is nature’s way of saying, Your table’s ready. Robin Williams 
• Death is nature’s way of telling you to slow down.
• Death is not the end; there remains the litigation over the estate. Ambrose Bierce 
• Death is one of the few things that can be done as easily lying down. Woody Allen 

.

Immortality

• Give me immortality or death. Nick de Jongh
• I don’t want to achieve immortality through my work…I want to achieve it through not dying. Woody Allen 
• If all else fails, immortality can always be assured by spectacular error. John Kenneth Galbraith
• Millions long for immortality who do not know what to do with themselves on a rainy Sunday afternoon. Susan Ertz 
• Some pirates achieved immortality by great deeds of cruelty or derring-do. Some achieved immortality by amassing great wealth. But the captain had long ago decided that he would, on the whole, prefer to achieve immortality by not dying. Terry Pratchett

.

Death happens to all of us regardless

• Eat right. Stay fit. Die anyway.
• Death takes no bribes. Benjamin Franklin
• Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.
• Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing. Redd Foxx 
• Dying is like getting audited by the IRS–something that only happens to other people … until it happens to you. Jerome P. Crabb 
• Early to rise and early to bed makes a male healthy and wealthy and dead. James Thurber
• No one here gets out alive. Jim Morrison 
• The harsh truth is that the cause of death is birth. David Hockney
• We are all part of the ultimate statistic – ten out of ten die.
• If Shaw and Einstein couldn’t beat death what chance have I got? Mel Brooks
• I get all my exercise from acting as a pallbearer to my friends who exercise. Chauncey Depew
• The only exercise I take is acting as pall-bearer to my friends who have indulged in strenuous exercise! Royal S. Copeland

.

Not wanting to die

• I’m going to live forever – or die in the attempt. Joseph Heller 
• I’m not afraid of death; I just don’t want to be there when it happens. Woody Allen
• Delaying death is one of my favorite hobbies. Rick Riordan 
• I don’t think I will ever die doing what I love… because what I love is not dying. Chris Bennett 
• If I was dead, I wouldn’t know I was dead. That’s the only thing I have against death. I want to enjoy my death. Samuel Beckett 
• Longevity: Uncommon extension of the fear of death. Ambrose Bierce
• One day I’ll have my appointment with death, and every day I call out to God to see if I can reschedule for a later date. Jarod Kintz, 
• It is impossible to experience one’s death objectively and still carry a tune. Woody Allen 
• With the newspaper strike on, I wouldn’t consider dying. Bette Davis

.

Last words    

• Why should I talk to you?… I’ve just been talking to your boss. Wilson Mizner, On his deathbed to a priest
• The prettier. Now fight for it. Henry Jones (1851 – 1929) English dramatist & playwright, On his deathbed his nurse and his niece asked him whom he would prefer to have at his side during the evening. This was his reply. 
• Now, now my good man, this is no time to be making enemies. (Voltaire on his deathbed in response to a priest asking him that he renounce Satan.)  Voltaire
• If this is dying, I don’t think much of it. Lytton Strachey 
• I’m not unwell, I’m f**king dying. Jeffrey Bernard
• Now, now my good man, this is no time to be making enemies. (Voltaire on his deathbed in response to a priest asking him that he renounce Satan.) Voltaire
• Why should I talk to you?… I’ve just been talking to your boss. Wilson Mizner, On his deathbed to a priest

.

Death and religion

• I was thinking about how people seem to read the bible a lot more as they get older, and then it dawned on me—they’re cramming for their final exam. George Carlin 
• I prefer to think that God is not dead, just drunk. John Marcellus Huston
• A dead atheist is someone who is all dressed up with no place to go. James Duffecy 
• I am ready to meet my Maker. Whether my Maker is prepared for the great ordeal of meeting me is another matter. Winston Churchill
• What can you say about a society that says that God is dead and Elvis is alive? Irv Kupcinet

.

Death and old age

• Being an old maid is like death by drowning; a really delightful sensation after you cease to struggle. Edna Ferber
• He is so old… I told him to act his own age, and he died.
• It’s a good thing to be old because that means you haven’t died yet right? Penelope Cruz
• You know you’re getting old when all the celebrities you fancied as a teenager start dropping dead.

.

Ways to die

• California is the only state in the union where you can fall asleep under a rose bush in full bloom and freeze to death. C. Fields
• America is the first culture in jeopardy of amusing itself to death. John Piper
• Beware! To touch these wires is instant death. Anyone found doing so will be prosecuted. Sign
• Dad always thought laughter was the best medicine which I guess is why several of us died of tuberculosis. Jack Handey
• Did you hear about the guy who died of a Viagra overdose? They couldn’t close his casket.
• Give a man a fish, and you’ll feed him for a day; give him a religion, and he’ll starve to death while praying for a fish.
• He’d been wrong, there was a light at the end of the tunnel, and it was a flamethrower. Terry Pratchett
• I have lost friends, some by death… others through sheer inability to cross the street. Virginia Woolf 
• I wish to live to 150 years old, but the day I die, I wish it to be with a cigarette in one hand and a glass of whiskey in the other. Ava Gardner 
• My father died dancing on the end of a rope.   Curly Howard
• No one ever choked to death swallowing his pride.
• Plump lady to the waitress: I’d like Death by Chocolate for dessert, but only enough to put me in critical condition.
• Raising kids is like being pecked to death by a chicken.
• One night I was playing poker with tarot cards; I got a full house and four people died. Steven Wright
• Smoking is a slow death! But we’re not in a hurry…
• Suicide is a long term solution to a short term problem.
• Sure there have been injuries and deaths in boxing – but none of them serious.   Alan Minter
• The leading cause of death among fashion models is falling through street grates. Dave Barry 
• I know I’m drinking myself to a slow death, but then I’m in no hurry. Robert Benchley 
• Some sad news from Australia… the inventor of the boomerang grenade died today. Johnny Carson

.

The death penalty

• I believe that people would be alive today if there were a death penalty. Nancy Reagan
• Anyone who believes in the death-penalty should be hanged.
• Stupidity isn’t punishable by death. If it was, there would be a hell of a population drop. Laurell K. Hamilton
• Death to all fanatics!
• I was court-martialled in my absence and sentenced to death in my absence so I said they could shoot me in my absence. Brendan Francis Behan
• Why do they use sterilized needles for death by lethal injection?

.

Insults

• She was never really charming until she died. Terence
• I didn’t know he was dead; I thought he was British. Woody Allen
• If flowers were boogers, I’d pick a few big ones and flick them on your grave. Jarod Kintz 
• If you can’t live without me why aren’t you dead already? Cynthia Heimel
• The news of any politician’s death should be listed under “Public Improvements.”    Frank Dane
• I believe in respect for the dead; in fact, I could only respect you if you WERE dead.
• Not all men are annoying. Some are dead.
• Waldo is one of those people who would be enormously improved by death. ‘Saki’ H.H. Munro 

.

Fear of death

• What happens if you get scared half to death twice? Steven Wright 
• Whatever happened to the good old days when kids was scared to death of their parents? Archie Bunker 
• Fear was absolutely necessary; without it I would have been scared to death. Floyd Patterson

.

Work and death

• I think that if I died and went straight to hell it would take me at least a week to realize I wasn’t at work anymore.
• I’m not really a cab driver. I’m just waiting for something better to come along. You know like death. Judd Hirsch
• I’ve used up all my sick days so I’m calling in dead.
• The easiest job in the world has to be coroner. Surgery on dead people. What’s the worst thing that could happen? If everything went wrong, maybe you’d get a pulse.
• The wheel is turning but the hamster is dead.
• We think he’s dead, but we’re afraid to ask. Anonymous committee member, Death Of the 79-year-old chairman

.

Advice

• Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died. Erma Bombeck
• At a formal dinner party, the person nearest death should always be seated closest to the bathroom. George Carlin
• Even very young children need to be informed about dying. Explain the concept of death very carefully to your child. This will make threatening him with it much more effective. P J O’Rourke 
• I don’t think anyone should write their autobiography until after they’re dead. Samuel Goldwyn
• I would like to live in Manchester England; the transition between Manchester and death would be unnoticeable. Mark Twain
• If you die in an elevator, be sure to push the up button. Sam Levenson 
• The cardinal rule of politics: never get caught in bed with a live man or a dead woman. Larry Hagman

.

Funerals

• A funeral eulogy is a belated plea for the defense delivered after the evidence is all in. Irvin Cobb
• Always go to other people’s funerals, or they won’t go to yours.
• Amanda: Why are you dressed like that? Like you’re going to a funeral. Why are you dressed like somebody died? Christina Ricci
• An elderly man lay dying in his bed. In death’s agony, he suddenly smelled the aroma of his favorite chocolate chip cookies wafting up the stairs. Gathering his remaining strength, he lifted himself from the bed. He slowly made his way out of the bedroom, and, with even greater effort, forced himself down the stairs, gripping the railing with both hands. With labored breath, he leaned against the door, gazing into the kitchen. Were it not for death’s agony, he would have thought himself already in heaven: there, spread out on the kitchen table, were hundreds of his favorite chocolate chip cookies. Mustering one final effort, he threw himself toward the table. His aged and withered hand painstakingly made its way toward a cookie when it was suddenly smacked by a spatula. “Stay out of those,” said his wife, “they’re for the funeral.”
• At my funeral I want Meryl Streep crying in five different accents. Joan Rivers
• At the funeral, everyone said, ‘What a shame, he died penniless;’ I don’t know — to me that sounds like perfect timing on a hell of a budget. Al Clethen Jr.
• Funeral :  A coming out party for a ghost. L.L Levinson
• Funeral: A pageant whereby we attest our respect for the dead by enriching the undertaker, and strengthen our grief by an expenditure that deepens our groans and doubles our tears.
• Given the unlikely options of attending a funeral or a sex orgy a true Irishman will always opt for the funeral. John Brendan Keane
• He wants to be the bride at every wedding, the corpse at every funeral and the baby at every Christening. Alice Roosevelt Longworth
• I hope you go before me because I don’t want you singing at my funeral. Spike Milligan
• I went to a funeral recently and they handed out Kleenex before the funeral – which I thought was cocky. Mike Birbiglia
• I’m worried.  Yesterday I caught the bouquet at a funeral.
• If anyone cries at my funeral, I will never speak to him again. Stan Laurel
• In the city, a funeral is just an interruption of traffic; in the country it is a form of popular entertainment. Joseph Addison
• Inheritance taxes are so high that the happiest mourner at a rich man’s funeral is usually Uncle Sam. Olin Miller
• Jolson’s funeral was widely attended by those who wanted to make sure. George Jessel
• My uncle was crushed by a piano; his funeral was very low key. Stewart Francis
• No matter how rich you become, how famous or powerful, when you die the size of your funeral will still pretty much depend on the weather. Michael Pritchard
• She’ll be late to her own funeral. Country expression
• Success is a public affair; failure is a private funeral. Rosalind Russell
• Surveys show that the #1 fear of Americans is public speaking. #2 is death. Death is #2. That means that at a funeral the average American would rather be in the casket than doing the eulogy. Jerry Seinfeld
• The Johnson family will attend the funeral of Susie’s former husband who died in Flint Michigan tomorrow. Church Bulletin
• The problem with killing a mosquito is that 40,000 then come to the funeral.
• They say such nice things about people at their funerals that it makes me sad to realize that I’m going to miss mine by just a few days. Garrison Keillor
• You might be a redneck if you’ve been to a funeral and there were more pick-ups than cars. Jeff Foxworthy
• You might be a redneck if you’ve ever worn a tube-top to a funeral home. Jeff Foxworthy
• You might be a redneck if your aunt and your grandmother went to the funeral and had a fight over who gets to be the widow. Jeff Foxworthy
• According to most studies, people’s number one fear is public speaking. Number two is death. Death is number two. Does that sound right? This means to the average person, if you go to a funeral, you’re better off in the casket than doing the eulogy. Jerry Seinfeld 
• Everything has its drawbacks as the man said when his mother-in-law died and they came down upon him for the funeral expenses. Jerome K. Jerome
• I didn’t attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it. Mark Twain 
• I want to write my own eulogy, and I want to write it in Latin. It seems only fitting to read a dead language at my funeral. Jarod Kintz 
• I’m glad he died before me because I didn’t want him to sing at my funeral. Spike Milligan
• The reason so many people turned up at his funeral was to make sure he was dead. Samuel Goldwyn

.

Final thoughts

• “No sight so sad as that of a naughty child,” he began, “especially a naughty little girl. Do you know where the wicked go after death?” “They go to hell,” was my ready and orthodox answer. “And what is hell? Can you tell me that?” “A pit full of fire.” “And should you like to fall into that pit, and to be burning there for ever?” “No, sir.” “What must you do to avoid it?”  I deliberated a moment: my answer, when it did come was objectionable: “I must keep in good health and not die.”  Charlotte Brontë, Jane Eyre
• A zealous locksmith died of late, and did not enter Heaven’s gate. But stood without and would not knock , because he meant to pick the lock. Epitaph
• After I’m dead I’d rather have people ask why I have no monument than why I have one. Cato the Elder
• An old friend will help you move; a good friend will help you move a dead body. Jim Hayes
• Best friends: Ready to die for each other, but will fight to the death over the last slice of pizza.
• My luck is so bad that if I bought a cemetery, people would stop dying. Rodney Dangerfield 
• Dying is the most embarrassing thing that can ever happen to you, because someone’s got to take care of all your details. Andy Warhol 
• Either this man is dead or my watch has stopped. Groucho Marx
• He always regarded death as highly overrated and could never understand why anybody made such a fuss about it. Michael Palin 
• He was a simple man who died of complications. Epitaph
• ‘Hey Death – is that a sickle in your hand or are you just glad to see me?’   Anita Wise
• History is a pack of lies we play on the dead. Voltaire
• I have a gold watch my father sold to me on his deathbed; I wrote him a check for it… post-dated of course. Charles ‘Chic’ Murray 
• I prefer my oysters fried; That way I know my oysters died. Roy G. Blount, Jr.
• I want to be so famous that drag queens will dress like me in parades when I’m dead. Laura Kightlinger
• I want to scream sometimes, because I hate when people refer to a dead person as the “late” so and so. I’m sorry to break that bad news, but that person isn’t just late—they’re not even coming! Jarod Kintz 
• I’m very proud of my gold pocket watch. My grandfather, on his deathbed, sold me this watch. Woody Allen 
• I’d rather die while I’m living than live while I’m dead. Jimmy Buffett
• If my dead father was alive to hear that it would kill him. Archie Bunker
• If there are no dogs in Heaven, then when I die I want to go where they went. Will Rogers 
• It is a sobering thought that when Mozart was my age he had been dead for two years. Tom Lehrer
• Love is like war, except without all the blood and death and stuff. Jarod Kintz 
• May ye be in heaven an hour before the devil knows you’re dead Epitaph
• My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them. Mitch Hedberg
• Obituaries would be a lot more interesting if they told you how the person died. Mackey Miller 
• One can survive everything nowadays, except death, and live down anything, except a good reputation. Oscar Wilde 
• One never knows the ending. One has to die to know exactly what happens after death… although Catholics have their hopes. Alfred Hitchcock 
• Only dead fish go with the flow.
• Our rabbi is so poor that if he didn’t fast every Monday and Thursday he’d starve to death. Jewish saying
• Proof that we don’t understand death is that we give dead people a pillow. Jerry Seinfeld
• Remember a dead fish can float downstream but it takes a live one to swim upstream. C. Fields
• Sleep is death without the responsibility. Fran Lebowitz
• Some people wake up drowsy. Some people wake up energized. I wake up dead. John Marsden
• Studies find top 3 most stressful moments in people’s lives: death, divorce, and properly pronouncing “Worcestershire sauce.” Tony Hsieh 
• The English find ill-health not only interesting but respectable and often experience death in the effort to avoid a fuss. Pamela Frankau
• The only way I can lose this election is if I’m caught in bed with a dead girl or a live boy. Edwin Edwards
• The reports of my death are greatly exaggerated. Mark Twain 
• The wages of sin is death – but the working conditions are good.   Proverb
• There are only two kinds of men; the dead and the deadly. Helen Rowland
• There must be some unwritten law that says about fifty people have to move into your house when somebody dies. If it weren’t for the smell of death clinging to the walls, you might think it was your family’s turn to host the month neighborhood potluck supper. Adam Rapp 
• There’s really nothing quite like someone’s wanting you dead to make you want to go on living. Roger Zelazny 
• They say that after a brush with death the world looks different and that was true for me but by the time I caught my breath I realized that it was because I had lost my glasses. Michael Dorris
• They’ve great respect for the dead in Hollywood but none for the living. Errol Flynn
• We have the power to bore people long after we are dead. Sinclair Lewis
• What I look forward to is continued immaturity followed by death. Dave Barry
• When I did this three years ago it was like death. When I did it last year it was like near death. This year it was just really hard. John Howie
• When you are dead, you don’t know that you are dead. It is difficult only for the others.  It is the same when you are stupid.
• Why name hurricanes lame names, like Sandy? Name that shit Hurricane Death Megatron 300 and I guarantee people be evacuating like they need to.
• Your birth certificate says you were born. Your death certificate says you died. Your photographs say you lived.

.

.