Definitions

• Apple: Nutritious lunchtime dessert which children will trade for cupcakes.
• A bagel is a doughnut with the sin removed. George Rosenbaum
• A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand.
• A converted cannibal is one who, on Friday, eats only fishermen. Emily Lotney
• A fruit is a vegetable with looks and money. Plus, if you let fruit rot, it turns into wine, something Brussels sprouts never do. P.J. O’Rourke
• A human being is primarily a bag for putting food into. George Orwell
• A pear is an apple with its girdle off.
• A well-balanced diet is a hamburger in each hand.
• Appetizers: little things you eat until you lose your appetite.
• Banquet: A fifty-cent dinner served in sufficient quantity to enable a caterer to charge twenty dollars for it.
• Caffeine: One of the four basic food groups.
• Cheese — milk’s leap toward immortality. Clifton Fadiman
• Chemicals, n: Noxious substances from which modern foods are made.
• Chocolate: The OTHER major food group.
• Compromise: The art of dividing a cake in such a way that everyone believes he has the biggest piece. Ludwig Erhard
• Custard: A detestable substance produced by a malevolent conspiracy of the hen, the cow, and the cook. Ambrose Bierce
• Diet: selection of foods for people who are thick and tired of it.
• Doughnut: Holey food.
• Dyspepsia is the remorse of a guilty stomach. A. Kerr
• Edible, adj.: Good to eat, and wholesome to digest, as a worm to a toad, a toad to a snake, a snake to a pig, a pig to a man, and a man to a worm. Ambrose Bierce
• Food: an important part of a balanced diet.
• Gourmet: A glutton who reads French.
• Gourmet: A food fetishist.
• Gourmet: A glutton festooned with credit cards.
• Hors-d’oeuvre: A ham sandwich cut into twenty pieces.
• Hospitality, n. The virtue which induces us to feed and lodge certain persons who are not in need of food and lodging. Ambrose Bierce
• Hot dog: A noble food that feeds the hand that bites it.
• Oven: Compact home incinerator used for disposing of bulky pieces of meat and poultry.
• Preheat: To turn on the heat in an oven for a period of time before cooking a dish, so that the fingers may be burned when the food is put in, in addition to when it is removed.
• Propaganda: Baloney disguised as food for thought.
• Work: the fast food in the banquet of life.
• Vegetable: A substance used to ballast a child’s plate while it’s carried to and from the table.
• Zucchini: Vegetable which can be baked boiled fried or steamed before kids refuse to eat it.

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Vegetables

• Large, naked raw carrots are acceptable as food only to those who lie in hutches eagerly awaiting Easter. Fran Lebowitz
• Life expectancy would grow by leaps and bounds if green vegetables smelled as good as bacon. Doug Larson
• Life is an onion and one cries while peeling it. French Proverb
• A golfer’s diet: Live on greens as much as possible.
• I don’t like spinach, and I’m glad I don’t, because if I liked it I’d eat it, and I just hate it. Clarence Darrow
• I eat so poorly during the stressful part of my day I need to have a vegetable orgy for dinner just to make up for it. Carrie Latet
• I have no truck with lettuce, cabbage, and similar chlorophyll. Any dietitian will tell you that a running foot of apple strudel contains four times the vitamins of a bushel of beans. S.J. Perelman
• Shipping is a terrible thing to do to vegetables. They probably get jet-lagged, just like people. Elizabeth Berry
• Welcome to the Church of the Holy Cabbage. Lettuce pray.
• Cabbage: A familiar kitchen-garden vegetable about as large and wise as a man’s head.
• The difference between bagpipes and an onion is that nobody cries when you chop up a bagpipe.

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Fruit

• There is a lot more juice in grapefruit than meets the eye.
• Apple: Nutritious lunchtime dessert which children will trade for cupcakes.
• Oh when I was a kid in show business I was so poor I used to go to orgies to eat the grapes. Rodney Dangerfield
• When one has tasted watermelon he knows what the angels eat. Mark Twain
• And, of course, the funniest food of all, kumquats. George Carlin
• A pear is an apple with its girdle off.
• Adam did not want the apple for the apple’s sake; he wanted it because it was forbidden. Mark Twain
• Caught a guy at the store comparing apples and oranges. James Leemer
• Ducking for apples – change one letter and it’s the story of my life. Dorothy Parker

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Meat

• Red meat is not bad for you. Now blue-green meat, that’s bad for you! Tommy Smothers
• They claim red meat is bad for you. But I never saw a sick-looking tiger. Chi Chi Rodriguez
• He’s so old that when he orders a three-minute egg they ask for the money up front. Milton Berle
• I hate reality but nevertheless it’s still the only place to get a good steak. Woody Allen
• I love defenceless animals – especially in good gravy. Steven Wright
• I met a guy who had an interesting job. He was a meat cutter, or a meat slicer, something like that. I probably butchered his job title. Jarod Kintz
• My favorite animal is steak. Fran Lebowitz
• Nothing makes steak as efficiently as a cow. David Gerrold
• Sacred cows make the best hamburger. Mark Twain

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Vegetarianism

• Vegetarians are cool. All I eat are vegetarians – except for the occasional mountain lion steak. Ted Nugent
• Do vegetarians eat animal crackers?
• I didn’t fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian.
• A mind of the calibre of mine cannot derive its nutriment from cows. George Bernard Shaw
• Co-existence:  What the farmer does with the turkey – until Thanksgiving. Mike Connolly
• Do vegetarians eat animal crackers?
• Eat pussy, not animals.
• Even as a junkie I stayed true to vegetarianism – ‘I shall have heroin, but I shan’t have a hamburger.’ What a sexy little paradox.” Russell Brand
• How can you eat anything with eyes? Will Kellogg
• I am not a vegetarian because I love animals; I am a vegetarian because I hate plants. A. Whitney Brown
• I bought a book for my girlfriend called cheap and easy cooking for vegetarians which is ideal for her because she is a vegetarian and …
• I did not become a vegetarian for my health, I did it for the health of the chickens. Isaac Bashevis Singer
• I didn’t fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian.
• I was eating a steak at a local restaurant last night, when a random woman said: “Y’know, you’d be much better off being a vegetarian.” “Are you crazy?” I said, “The cow was a vegetarian and look what happened to it!” Quentin R. Bufogle
• I won’t eat anything that has intelligent life, but I’d gladly eat a network executive or a politician. Marty Feldman
• I wouldn’t touch a hot dog unless you put a condom on it! You realize that the job of a hot dog is to use parts of the animal that the Chinese can’t figure out how to make into a belt? Bill Maher
• I’m not a vegetarian! I’m a dessertarian! Bill Watterson, Calvin and Hobbes
• If vegetarians eat vegetables, what do humanitarians eat?
• If we aren’t supposed to eat animals, then why are they made out of meat? Jo’ Brand
• It was actually easier for me to become a vegetarian – you know quitting meat – because your friends never show up at your house with a sack of meat.  Brian Posehn
• Nothing spoils lunch any quicker than a rogue meatball rampaging through your spaghetti. Jim Davis
• People eat meat and think they will become as strong as an ox, forgetting that the ox eats grass. Pino Caruso
• The cucumber and the tomato are both fruit; the avocado is a nut. To assist with the dietary requirements of vegetarians, on the first Tuesday of the month a chicken is officially a vegetable. Jasper Fforde
• The thought of two thousand people crunching celery at the same time horrified me. George Bernard Shaw
• This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club, but I’d never met herbivore.
• To expect life to treat you good is foolish as hoping a bull won’t hit you because you are a vegetarian. Roseanne Barr
• Vegetables are a must on a diet. I suggest carrot cake, zucchini bread, and pumpkin pie. Jim Davis
• I was a vegetarian until I found myself starting to lean toward the sunlight. Rita Rudner
• Vegetarian – that’s an old Indian word meaning “lousy hunter.” Andy Rooney
• Vegetarian: Native American definition for “lousy hunter”.
• Vegetarians are cool. All I eat are vegetarians – except for the occasional mountain lion steak. Ted Nugent
• Vegetarians taste better.
• You put a baby in a crib with an apple and a rabbit. If it eats the rabbit and plays with the apple, I’ll buy you a new car. Harvey Diamond
• A vegetarian is a person who won’t eat anything that can have children. David Brenner
• German food is so bad even Hitler was a vegetarian. Dylan Moran
• Man is the only animal that can remain on friendly terms with the victims he intends to eat until he eats them. Samuel Butler
• Sprouts: Innocent green plants snatched in their infancy and devoured alive by ravenous vegetarians.

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Sea food

• Give a man a fish and he has food for a day; teach him how to fish and you can get rid of him of the entire weekend. Zenna Schaffer
• Fish is the only food that is considered spoiled once it smells like what it is. J. O’Rourke
• He was a very valiant man who first adventured on eating oysters. James I
• Give a man a fish, and you’ll feed him for a day. Teach a man to fish, and he’ll buy a funny hat. Talk to a hungry man about fish, and you’re a consultant. Scott Adams
• Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant? I’m halfway through my fish-burger and I realize, Oh my God. I could be eating a slow learner. Lynda Montgomery
• Yeah, where I come from, we eat our sushi cooked—medium rare. And it’s made out of a cow. John Henson
• I prefer my oysters fried; That way I know my oysters died. Roy G. Blount, Jr.
• I will not eat oysters. I want my food dead — not sick, not wounded — dead. Woody Allen
• In Mexico we have a word for sushi: bait. Jose Simon
• The only kind of seafood I trust is the fish stick – a totally featureless fish that doesn’t have eyeballs or fins. Dave Barry

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Dairy

• Cheese — milk’s leap toward immortality. Clifton Fadiman
• Poets have been mysteriously silent on the subject of cheese. G. K. Chesterson
• The cow is of the bovine ilk: One end is moo, the other milk. Ogden Nash
• When cheese gets it’s picture taken what does it say? George Carlin

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Garlic

• What garlic is to food, insanity is to art.
• You are what you eat. For example, if you eat garlic you’re apt to be a hermit. Franklin P. Jones
• A nickel will get you on the subway, but garlic will get you a seat. Old New York Proverb

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Pizza

• You better cut the pizza in four pieces because I’m not hungry enough to eat six. Yogi Berra
• Sex is like death, only after death you don’t feel like a pizza. Woody Allen
• There’s no better feeling in the world than a warm pizza box on your lap. Kevin James
• We live in an age when pizza gets to your home before the police. Jeff Marder
• You ever go shopping for a really cute little sexy black dress – and you come home with an extra-large pepperoni pizza?   Vanessa Hollingshead

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Dessert

• Apple: Nutritious lunchtime dessert which children will trade for cupcakes.
• Custard: A detestable substance produced by a malevolent conspiracy of the hen, the cow, and the cook. Ambrose Bierce
• Dessert doesn’t count if you eat under an assumed identity. Valerie Harper
• Dessert is probably the most important stage of the meal, since it will be the last thing your guests remember before they pass out all over the table. William Powell
• I’m not a vegetarian! I’m a dessertarian! Bill Watterson, Calvin and Hobbes
• I’m not fat. I’m pregnant with ice-cream’s baby!
• Life is uncertain – eat dessert first. Ernestine Ulmer
• Plump lady to the waitress: I’d like Death by Chocolate for dessert, but only enough to put me in critical condition.
• STRESSED is just DESSERTS spelled backward.
• Unless your name ends in Baskin or Robbins, I really can’t fit you into my schedule right now. Uniek Swain
• Vegetables are a must on a diet. I suggest carrot cake, zucchini bread and pumpkin pie. Jim Davis
• Wearing a condom is like eating an ice-cream cone with a sock on your tongue. Mark Gungor
• What do ghosts serve for dessert? I Scream.
• I’m not fat. I’m pregnant with ice-cream’s baby!
• Unless your name ends in Baskin or Robbins, I really can’t fit you into my schedule right now. Uniek Swain
• Waffle: A pancake with a non-skid tread.
• A waffle is like a pancake with a syrup trap. Mitch Hedberg

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Cookies

• A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand.
• Cookie: A standard method for converting sugar floor and butter into body fat.
• Q: How do you know when a complete moron has been making chocolate chip cookies? A: You find M&M shells all over the kitchen floor.

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Chocolate

• Chocolate: The OTHER major food group.
• Easter: a national celebration of chocolate.  Mike Barfield
• If a woman is upset, hold her and tell her how beautiful she is. If she starts to growl, retreat to a safe distance and throw chocolate at her.
• If I could store any character quality in a cookie jar, I’d store patience. Chocolate-chip patience cookies. And I’d eat them all at one sitting. Jarod Kintz
• If there’s no chocolate in Heaven, I’m not going. Jane Seabrook
• “The End is Nigh!” the man shouted. “Is there still time for hot chocolate?” Riley asked. The-End-is-Nigh guy blinked. “Ah, maybe, I don’t know.” Jana Oliver, Forbidden
• Life has a way of kicking you in the ass… or smearing chocolate on your bum. Dominic Monaghan
• Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways, chocolate in one hand, margarita in the other, body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming WOO HOO what a ride!
• My therapist told me the way to achieve true inner peace is to finish what I start. So far I’ve finished two bags of M&Ms and a chocolate cake. I feel better already.
• A quarter-ounce of chocolate = four pounds of fat. Slick’s Second Law of the Universe
• My wife can’t cook at all. She made chocolate mousse; an antler got stuck in my throat. Rodney Dangerfield
• Men are like chocolate bars: sweet, smooth, and heading straight for your hips.
• Just Hand Over the Chocolate and Nobody Gets Hurt. Bumper sticker
• The 12-step chocolate program: NEVER BE MORE THAN 12 STEPS AWAY FROM CHOCOLATE! Terry Moore
• I’m pretty sure that eating chocolate keeps wrinkles away because I have never seen a 10 year old with a Hershey bar and crows feet. Amy Neftzger
• Remember the days when you let your child have some chocolate if he finished his cereal? Now, chocolate is one of the cereals. Robert Orben
• When I die,’ I said to my friend, ‘I’m not going to be embalmed. I’m going to be dipped.’ Milk chocolate or bittersweet was the immediate concern. Adrianne Marcus
• A new British survey has revealed that 9 out of 10 people like Chocolate. The tenth lies. Robert Paul
• Research tells us fourteen out of any ten individuals likes chocolate. Sandra Boynton
• You know you’re a chocoholic if, when the leaves change in the fall, you start gathering Almond Joy candy bars for the coming winter.
• Chocolate is an antidepressant, which is especially useful as you start to gain weight. Jason Love
• Nuts just take up space where chocolate ought to be.
• Life is like a box of chocolates – full of nuts!
• Chocolate is the answer. Who cares what the question is.
• Chocolate makes everyone smile-even bankers. Ben Strohecker
• Anything tastes better dipped in chocolate.
• Man cannot live on chocolate alone, but woman sure can.
• If chocolate is the answer, the question is irrelevant.
• Eat a square meal a day – a box of chocolate.
• Dip it in chocolate; it’ll be fine.
• If you’ve got melted chocolate all over your hands, you’re eating it too slowly.
• EMERGENCY ALERT: If wearer of this shirt is found vacant, listless, or depressed, ADMINISTER CHOCOLATE IMMEDIATELY.
• Money talks. Chocolate sings.
• Simply put… everyone has a price, mine is chocolate!
• Save the Earth! (It’s the only planet with chocolate.)
• There’s more to life than chocolate, but not right now.
• The problem: How to get 2 pounds of chocolate home from the store in a hot car. The solution: Eat it in the parking lot.
• Given enough chocolate and coffee, I could rule the world.
• Chocolate is God’s apology for broccoli. Richard Paul Evans
• A chocolate in the mouth is worth two on the plate.
• Put the chocolate in the bag and nobody gets hurt.
• When life gives you lemons, throw them back and demand chocolate.
• Researchers have discovered that chocolate produces some of the same reactions in the brain as marijuana. The researchers also discovered other similarities between the two but can’t remember what they are. Matt Lauer
• What use are cartridges in battle? I always carry chocolate instead. George Bernard Shaw
• Put “eat chocolate” at the top of your list of things to do today. That way, at least you’ll get one thing done.
• A young girl was at the dentist for a check up. With much tutting, the dentist examined all her teeth. Finally he announced crossly “Young lady, you’ve been eating far too many sweet things, several of your teeth need filling.” “Oh goody!” she replied happily. “Can I have chocolate filling please?”
• I’d give up chocolate, but I’m no quitter!

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Sweets

• Caramel: A substance for extracting children’s teeth.
• I don’t want someone shoving his views down my throat unless they’re covered in a crunchy candy shell. Stephen Colbert
• I had a piece of Carefree Sugarless gum and I was still worried; it never kicked in. Mitch Hedberg

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More foods we like and dislike

• Anyhow, the hole in the doughnut is at least digestible. H. L. Mencken
• Anyone who thinks they’re too grown up or too sophisticated to eat caramel corn, is not invited to my house for dinner. Ruth Reichl
• Blood may be thicker than water, but it’s certainly not as thick as ketchup. Nor does it go as well with French fries. Jarod Kintz
• Condensed milk is wonderful. I don’t see how they can get a cow to sit down on those little cans. Fred Allen
• Avoid fruit and nuts. You are what you eat. Jim Davis
• Hey yogurt, if you’re so cultured, how come I never see you at the opera? Stephen Colbert
• I don’t eat snails. I prefer fast food. Strange de Jim
• New Orleans food is as delicious as the less criminal forms of sin. Mark Twain
• I’m not sure what makes pepperoni so good — if it’s the pepper or the oni. S.A. Sachs
• The bagel, an unsweetened doughnut with rigor mortis. Beatrice & Ira Freeman

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Crackers

• The inventor of soda crackers has a place in hell. Martin H. Fischer
• I think animal crackers make people think that all animals taste the same. Mitch Hedberg

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Italian food

• No man is lonely while eating spaghetti; it requires so much attention. Robert Morley
• All you see, I owe to spaghetti. Sophia Loren, actress
• If you ate pasta and antipasto, would you still be hungry?
• If you put pasta shells to your ear can you hear the soup? Danny Chrastina
• Nothing spoils lunch any quicker than a rogue meatball rampaging through your spaghetti. Jim Davis
• His legs turned to spaghetti and I was all over him like the sauce. Vinnie Pazienza

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French food

• The French are sawed-off sissies who eat snails and slugs and cheese that smells like people’s feet. J. O’Rourke

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Soup

• No, I don’t take soup. You can’t build a meal on a lake. Elsie de Wolfe
• Soup is just a way of screwing you out of a meal. Jay Leno
• A clean tie attracts the soup of the day. Diner’s Dilemma
• An idealist is one who on noticing that roses smell better than a cabbage concludes that it will also make better soup. L. Mencken
• Ever wonder if illiterate people get the full effect of alphabet soup? John Mendoza
• Chef: A man with a big enough vocabulary to give the soup a different name every day.
• Etiquette: The noise you don’t make while eating soup.
• Good manners:  The noise you don’t make when you’re eating soup.
• He’s the only man I ever knew who had rubber pockets so he could steal soup. Wilson Mizner
• I think that women just have a primeval instinct to make soup which they will try to foist on anybody who looks like a likely candidate. Dylan Moran
• I’m sick of ‘soup of the day’ it’s time we made a decision. Mitch Hedberg
• If it was raining soup he’d be out in the yard with a fork.
• It was so cold I chipped a tooth on my soup.
• Soup is just a way of screwing you out of a meal. Jay Leno
• Souprano :  someone who slurps soup noisily 
• The soup is never hot enough if the waiter can keep his thumb in it. William Collier
• The sea was angry that day my friends like an old man trying to send back soup in a deli.   Jason Alexander

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Mexican food

• Tofu tacos are not Mexican. I think putting tofu on anything and calling it Mexican is an insult to my people. Simone Elkeles
• Burritos are like sleeping bags for ground beef.
• I’ve never been in a rotating restaurant but one time I took my girlfriend to a merry-go-round I put her on it and I gave her a burrito. Mitch Hedberg
• You don’t eat Mexican food – you just rent it.   Alexei Sayle
• You know how I feel about tacos. It’s the only food shaped like a smile. A beef smile. Danielle Sanchez-Witzel

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Pet food

• Buy Woof, the pet food dogs ask for by name
• How are you supposed to be able to tell when cat food has gone bad? Bridget Keller

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Food, sex and love

• As life’s pleasures go, food is second only to sex. Except for salami and eggs. Now that’s better than sex, but only if the salami is thickly sliced. Alan King
• All men hear is blah, blah, blah, blah, SEX, blah, blah, blah, FOOD, blah, blah, blah, BEER. Denis Leary
• Can officially confirm that the way to a man’s heart these days is not through beauty, food, sex, or alluringness of character, but merely the ability to seem not very interested in him. Helen Fielding
• Food has replaced sex in my life, now I can’t even get into my own pants.
• Forget love – I’d rather fall in chocolate! Sandra J. Dykes
• I know a man who gave up smoking, drinking, sex, and rich food. He was healthy right up to the day he killed himself. Johnny Carson
• I love you like a fat kid loves cake! Scott Adams
• If only it was as easy to banish hunger by rubbing the belly as it is to masturbate. Diogenes the Cynic
• If you are what you eat, I’m fast, cheap and easy.
• I’m at the age where food has taken the place of sex in my life. In fact, I’ve just had a mirror put over my kitchen table. Rodney Dangerfield
• It’s been said that men think only about sex and food. And some men, like my uncle Lester, think about sex with food. Needless to say, the church has ordered him to cease bringing his own food to the potlucks. Jarod Kintz
• No, no food. I want sex. Bring me some sex. Elliott Gould
• Now that food has replaced sex in my life, I can’t even get into my own pants.
• Practice safe eating — always use condiments.
• Sex is good, but not as good as fresh, sweet corn. Garrison Keillor
• When you don’t have any money, the problem is food. When you have money, it’s sex. When you have both, it’s health. If everything is simply jake, then you’re frightened of death. Marilyn Monroe
• It’s absolutely unfair for women to say that guys only want one thing: sex. We also want food. Jarod Kintz
• Eating an artichoke is like getting to know someone really well. Willi Hastings
• Sex can be fun after eighty after ninety and after lunch! George Burns
• If a man prepares dinner for you and the salad contains three or more types of lettuce he is serious. Rita Rudner

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Food and children

• A food is not necessarily essential just because your child hates it. Katharine Whitehorn
• A three-year-old gave this reaction to her Christmas dinner: “I don’t like the turkey, but I like the bread he ate.”
• As a child my family’s menu consisted of two choices: take it or leave it. Buddy Hackett
• The highlight of my childhood was making my brother laugh so hard that food came out of his nose. Garrison Keillor
• I’ve noticed that lately when I call my kids for dinner they run to the car. Julie Kidd
• Madam there’s no such thing as a tough child – if you parboil them first for seven hours they always come out tender.   C. Fields
• There are three reasons for breastfeeding: the milk is always at the right temperature; it comes in attractive containers; and the cat can’t get it. Irena Chalmers
• Zucchini: Vegetable which can be baked boiled fried or steamed before kids refuse to eat it.
• My mother was the worst cook ever; in school, when we traded lunches, I had to throw in an article of clothing. Rita Rudner
• We were so poor we had to eat dough for breakfast and sit out in the sun for lunch!

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Food and families

• Mothers, food, love, and career: the four major guilt groups. Cathy Guisewite
• I come from a home where gravy is a beverage. Erma Bombeck
• Most turkeys taste better the day after, my mother’s tasted better the day before. Rita Rudner
• When the food runs out, the family reunion is over. It’s cool that out of all my relatives, I’m the only cannibal. Jarod Kintz

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Food and men

• Anybody who believes that the way to a man’s heart is through his stomach flunked geography. Robert Byrne
• It’s absolutely unfair for women to say that guys only want one thing: sex. We also want food.  Jarod Kintz
• The way to a man’s stomach is through his mouth. Proverb

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Food and women

• There are only three things women need in life: food, water, and compliments. Chris Rock
• When women are depressed, they eat or go shopping. Man invade another country. It’s a whole different way of thinking. Elayne Boolser

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Advice around healthy food and healthy eating

• Don’t eat anything your great-great grandmother wouldn’t recognize as food. Michael Pollan
• Don’t eat it if you can’t pronounce the ingredients.
• Eat right, exercise regularly, die anyway.
• As for butter versus margarine, I trust cows more than chemists. Joan Gussow
• I personally stay away from all health foods. At my age I need all the preservatives I can get! George Burns
• I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes.
• It would be nice if the Food and Drug Administration stopped issuing warnings about toxic substances and just gave me the names of one or two things still safe to eat. Robert Fuoss
• Part of the secret of success in life is to eat what you like and let the food fight it out inside. Mark Twain
• Your body is a temple, not a drive-through.
• Statistics show that of those who contract the habit of eating, very few survive. George Bernard Shaw
• The only time to eat diet food is while you’re waiting for the steak to cook. Julia Child
• Your body is not a temple, it’s an amusement park. Enjoy the ride. Anthony Bourdain
• The most dangerous food is wedding cake. American Proverb
• What you eat in private, you will wear in public.
• Health food may be good for the conscience, but Oreos taste a hell of a lot better. Robert Redford
• It is a scientific fact that your body will not absorb cholesterol if you take it from another person’s plate. Dave Barry
• Never eat anything you can’t pronounce. Erma Bombeck

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Nutrition

• Food is an important part of a balanced diet. Fran Lebowitz
• Well-balanced diet:  a hamburger in each hand. 
• After all the trouble you go to, you get about as much actual “food” out of eating an artichoke as you would from licking 30 or 40 postage stamps. Miss Piggy
• Only Irish coffee provides in a single glass all four essential food groups: alcohol, caffeine, sugar and fat. Alex Levin
• Dorito Syndrome: Feelings of emptiness and dissatisfaction triggered by addictive substances that lack nutritional content.
• Eating rice cakes is like chewing on a foam coffee cup only less filling. Dave Barry
• Nutrition makes me puke. Jimmy Piersall

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Edible and not edible

• Anything is edible if it is chopped finely enough. Weiler’s Law
• Anything that you have to acquire a taste for was not meant to be eaten. Eddie Murphy
• The food here is terrible, and the portions are too small. Woody Allen
• The food is terrible here. I’d like to see the manager. Sorry, he’s gone out for lunch

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Food and alcohol

• I cook with wine, sometimes I even add it to the food. W.C. Fields
• During one of my treks through Afghanistan, we lost our corkscrew. We were compelled to live on food and water for several days. W.C. Fields
• I just learned you’re supposed to pair wine with food. And here I am just pairing it with another bottle.
• Once, during Prohibition, I was forced to live for days on nothing but food and water. C. Fields
• Somebody forgot the corkscrew and for several days we had to live on nothing but food and water. C. Field
• We lived for days on nothing but food and water. C. Fields
• I always cook with wine. Sometimes I even add it to the food.
• Champagne is appropriate for breakfast, lunch or dinner. Madeline Puckette
• Some weasel took the cork out of my lunch. C. Fields

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Junk food

• I went into a McDonald’s yesterday and said, “I’d like some fries.” The girl at the counter said, “Would you like some fries with that?”
• It’s not food if it arrived through the window of your car. Michael Pollan
• My body is a temple where junk food goes to worship.
• A hot dog at the ballpark beats roast beef at the Ritz. Humphrey Bogart
• Americans can eat garbage provided you sprinkle it liberally with ketchup mustard chili sauce Tabasco sauce cayenne pepper or any other condiment which destroys the original flavor of the dish. Henry Miller
• I went into a McDonald’s yesterday and said, “I’d like some fries.” The girl at the counter said, “Would you like some fries with that?”

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Breakfast

• I don’t eat breakfast. I hate to eat on an empty stomach
• I went to a restaurant that serves “breakfast anytime.” So I ordered French toast during the Renaissance. Steven Wright
• Do you know what breakfast cereal is made of? It’s made of all those little curly wooden shavings you find in pencil sharpeners! Roald Dahl
• Popcorn for breakfast! Why not? It’s a grain. It’s like, like, grits, but with high self-esteem. James Patterson
• If you want to eat well in England, eat three breakfasts. Somerset Maugham
• My wife and I tried to breakfast together, but we had to stop or our marriage would have been wrecked. Winston Churchill
• There is a vast difference between the savage and the civilized man but it is never apparent to their wives until after breakfast. Helen Rowland
• Waiter: Would you like to have anything before lunch? Chico: Yes breakfast. …Chico’ Marx

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Loving food – sometimes too much

• I hate people who are not serious about meals. It is so shallow of them. Oscar Wilde
• Ask not what you can do for your country. Ask what’s for lunch. Orson Welles
• Food for thought is no substitute for the real thing. Walt Kelly
• I never met a meal I didn’t like. Miss Piggy
• I’m going on an eating strike and will refuse to stop eating until my demands are met.
• Is she fat? Her favorite food is seconds. Joan Rivers
• I am not a glutton – I am an explorer of food. Erma Bombeck
• A gourmet who thinks of calories is like a tart who looks at her watch. James Beard
• There is no sincerer love than the love of food. George Bernard Shaw

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Moderation or lack thereof

• In the Middle Ages, they had guillotines, stretch racks, whips and chains. Nowadays, we have a much more effective torture device called the bathroom scale. Stephen Phillips
• My doctor told me to stop having intimate dinners for four. Unless there are three other people. Orson Welles
• I’ve decided that perhaps I’m bulimic and just keep forgetting to purge. Paula Poundstone
• Never eat more than you can lift. Miss Piggy
• Never order food in excess of your body weight. Erma Bombeck
• Sleep ’til you’re hungry, eat ’til you’re sleepy.
• The biggest seller is cookbooks and the second is diet books – how not to eat what you’ve just learned how to cook. Andy Rooney
• The most dangerous thing about American food? The portions. Jay Leno
• The trouble with eating Italian food is that five or six days later you’re hungry again. George Miller
• Calorie: Basic measure of the amount of rationalization offered by the average individual prior to taking a second helping of a particular food.
• He goes through groceries like an earth remover. Archie Bunker
• I’m a light eater. As soon as it’s light I start to eat. Art Donovan
• If my body is a temple then eating pancakes is a form of prayer.

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Dieting

• Diet: selection of foods for people who are thick and tired of it.
• Diet: Something you keep putting off while you keep putting on.
• Diet: What helps a person gain weight more slowly.
• Dieting: The penalty for exceeding the feed limit.
• A diet is when you watch what you eat and wish you could eat what you watch. Hermione Gingold
• Diet: A brief period of starvation followed by a gain of five pounds.
• I’m on a seafood diet I see food I eat it.   Dolly Parton
• I’ve been on a diet for two weeks and all I’ve lost is two weeks. Totie Fields
• The only time to eat diet food is while you’re waiting for the steak to cook.   Julia Child
• We’re the country that has more food to eat than any other country in the world, and with more diets to keep us from eating it.
• America is a country where half the money is spent buying food and the other half is spent trying to lose weight.
• Another good reducing exercise consists in placing both hands against the table edge and pushing back. Robert Quillen
• If you stop eating donuts you will live three years longer; it’s just three more years that you want a donut. Lewis Black
• There is only one occasion in my life when I put myself on a strict diet … and it was the most miserable afternoon I’ve spent.
• We’re the country that has more food to eat than any other country in the world, and with more diets to keep us from eating it.

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Hunger

• A hungry stomach seldom scorns plain food. Horace
• An empty belly is the best cook. Estonian Proverb
• Hunger is the best sauce.
• I’m so hungry I could eat a horse and chase the rider.
• Never argue at the dinner table, for the one who is not hungry always gets the best of the argument.  Richard Whately

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Preparing food

• It’s so beautifully arranged on the plate — you know someone’s fingers have been all over it. Julia Child
• When it comes to Chinese food I have always operated under the policy that the less known about the preparation the better. Calvin Trillin

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Novice cooks

• I use a smoke alarm as a timer. Joan Rivers
• She did not so much cook food as assassinate food. Storm Jameson
• Her cooking is the missionary position of cooking – that is how everybody starts. Egon Ronay
• I don’t even butter my bread. I consider that cooking.   Katherine Cebrian
• I’m no cook; when I want lemon on chicken I spray it with Pledge. Joan Rivers
• I’m not going to say my wife can’t cook but should toast have bones? Rodney Dangerfield
• Men are very strange.; when they wake up in the morning they want things like toast. I don’t have those recipes Elayne Boosler
• My husband says I feed him like he’s a god: every meal is a burnt offering. Rhonda Hansome
• My wife has to be the worst cook; her specialty is indigestion. Rodney Dangerfield
• My wife’s such a bad cook the dog begs for Alka-Seltzer. Rodney Dangerfield
• One night she told me to put out the garbage; I told her “you cooked it you take it out.” Rodney Dangerfield
• She was a good cook as cooks go; and as cooks go she went. …Saki’ H.H. Munro
• This recipe is certainly silly; it says to separate two eggs but it doesn’t say how far to separate them. Gracie Allen
• What my mother believed about cooking is that if you worked hard and prospered, someone else would do it for you. Nora Ephron
• Why her cooking is so bad that the flies pitched in to fix the screen door. Rodney Dangerfield
• I’m one of those modern cooks. My favourite recipe is heat and eat.
• I’m going on an eating strike and will refuse to stop eating until my demands are met.
• My wife’s a bad cook; the other night, she fixed alphabet soup – it spelled out “Help!” Rodney Dangerfield
• Laurie got offended that I used the word “puke” … but to me, that’s what her dinner tasted like. Jack Handey

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Leftovers

• The most remarkable thing about my mother is that for thirty years she served the family nothing but leftovers. The original meal has never been found. Calvin Trillin
• My wife does wonderful things with leftovers. She throws them out.
• Leftovers: Repast history.

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Thought provoking questions

• If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it? Steven Wright
• If you ate pasta and antipasto, would you still be hungry?
• How come when you mix water and flour together you get glue and then you add eggs and sugar and you get cake? where does the glue go?   Rita Rudner
• Is a vegetarian permitted to eat animal crackers? George Carlin
• Is it true that cannibals don’t eat clowns because they taste funny? George Carlin

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Food shopping

• The odds of going to the store for a loaf of bread and coming out with only a loaf of bread are three billion to one. Erma Bombeck
• The woman just ahead of you at the supermarket checkout has all the delectable groceries you didn’t even know they carried. Mignon McLaughlin

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Being an item on the menu

• Mosquitoes remind us that we are not as high up on the food chain as we think. Tom Wilson
• A man thinks he amounts to a great deal but to a flea or a mosquito a human being is merely something good to eat. Don Marquis

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Food metaphors

• You don’t get ulcers from what you eat; you get them from what’s eating you. Vicki Baum
• About adultery: Don’t go looking for pancakes when you have flapjacks at home. Jarod Kintz
• For me the cinema is not a slice of life but a piece of cake. Alfred Hitchcock
• He looked about as inconspicuous as a tarantula on a slice of angel food. Raymond Chandler
• Memory is a crazy woman that hoards colored rags and throws away food. Austin O’Malley
• What is food to one man may be fierce poison to others. Lucretius
• You can tell a lot about a fellow’s character by his way of eating jellybeans. Ronald Reagan
• Life is a banquet, and most poor suckers are starving. Rosalind Russell
• Life is too short to stuff a mushroom. Shirley Conran
• In order to make an apple pie from scratch you must first create the universe. Carl Sagan
• An idealist is one who on noticing that roses smell better than a cabbage concludes that it will also make better soup. L. Mencken
• His mind was like a soup dish wide and shallow; it could hold a small amount of nearly anything but the slightest jarring spilled the soup into somebody’s lap. Irving Stone
• When life gives you lemons, forget the lemonade. Make a a rich lemon cheesecake.  Blame life for the extra pounds. 
• Democracy is two wolves and a lamb voting on what to have for lunch. Benjamin Franklin
• Marriage is a feast where the grace is sometimes better than the dinner. Charles Caleb Colton
• Life is an onion and one cries while peeling it. French Proverb
• Life is like an onion; you peel off one layer at a time and sometimes you weep. Carl Sandburg

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Eating out

• The best number for a dinner party is two – myself and a damn good head waiter.   Nubar Gulbenkian
• Best way to get rid of kitchen odors – eat out.   Phyllis Diller
• The quality of food in restaurants is in inverse proportion to the number of signed celebrity photographs on the walls. Miller’s Law
• Night Club: A place where they take the rest out of restaurant and put the din in dinner.
• Nowadays an after-dinner mint is what you need to pay the restaurant check. Alfred E. Neuman
• Some people ask the secret of our long marriage.  We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week.  A little candlelight dinner, soft music and dancing.  She goes Tuesday, I go Fridays.
• You sleep with a guy once and before you know it he wants to take you to dinner. Myers Yori

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Final thoughts

• He who eats alone chokes alone. Proverb
• I’ll wait until your mouth is full of food before I ask you a question. That’s just the kind of gentleman I am. Jarod Kintz
• Studies find top 3 most stressful moments in people’s lives: death, divorce, and properly pronouncing “Worcestershire sauce.” Tony Hsieh
• Why does man kill? He kills for food. And not only food: Frequently there must be a beverage. Woody Allen
• WTF (Where’s the food?)
• You can tell how long a couple has been married by whether they are on their first, second or third bottle of Tabasco. Bruce Bye
• You don’t sew with a fork, so I see no reason to eat with knitting needles. Miss Piggy, on eating Chinese Food
• You might be a redneck if… you think “fast food” is hitting a possum at 65 miles an hour. Jeff Foxworthy
• I don’t care where I sit as long as I get fed. Calvin Trillin
• I’m not crazy about reality but it’s still the only place to get a decent meal. Groucho Marx
• In all recorded history there has not been one economist who has had to worry about where the next meal would come from. Peter Drucker
• Music with dinner is an insult both to the cook and the violinist. K. Chesterton
• The difference between a chef and a cook is the difference between a wife and a prostitute; cooks do meals for people they know and love chefs do it anonymously for anyone who’s got the price. A. Gill
• Where there’s smoke, there’s toast.
• You are always complimented on the item that took the least effort to prepare. Example: If you make roast turkey you will be complimented on the baked potato. Third Law of Kitchen Confusion
• If I had my life to live over I’d live it over a deli.
• Executive: A person who can take two hours for lunch without anybody missing him.
• It was so cold we had lunch at the “Greasy Spoon”  – just for the heartburn.
• Thanksgiving dinners take eighteen hours to prepare. They are consumed in twelve minutes. Half-times take twelve minutes. This is not coincidence. Erma Bombeck
• Who bothers to cook TV dinners? I suck them frozen. Woody Allen

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