• A bad cold wouldn’t be so annoying if it weren’t for the advice of our friends. Kin Hubbard
• A couple of New Jersey hunters are out in the woods when one of them falls to the ground. He doesn’t seem to be breathing, his eyes are rolled back in his head. The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps to the operator: My friend is dead! What can I do?” The operator, in a calm soothing voice says: “Just take it easy. I can help. First, let’s make sure he’s dead.” There is a silence, then a shot is heard. The guy’s voice comes back on the line. He says: “OK, now what?”
• A fool and his money is a friend indeed.
• A friend in need is a pest. George Cole
• A friend is one who has the same enemies as you have. Abraham Lincoln
• A friend is someone who will help you move. A GOOD friend is someone who will help you move a dead body.
• A friend who is near and dear may in time become as useless as a relative. Joseph Addison
• A good friend is like a good bra, hard to find, supportive, comfortable and always close to your heart.
• A good friend knows when to pour a glass of wine and talk it out. A great friend knows when to shut up and hand over the bottle.
• A good friend shops with you for scrap supplies. A true friend helps you hide your stash when you get home.
• A good friend will always stab you in the front. Oscar Wilde
• A lifelong friend is one you haven’t borrowed money from yet. Dylan Thomas
• A Merry Christmas to all my friends except two. C. Fields
• A real friend is someone who takes a winter vacation on a sun-drenched beach and does not send a card.
• A snowball in the face is surely the perfect beginning to a lasting friendship. Markus Zusak
• A true friend is one who overlooks your failures and tolerates your success! Doug Larson
• Acquaintance: A degree of friendship called ‘slight’ when its object is poor and ‘intimate’ when he is rich or famous.
• All I need is room enough to lay a hat and a few friends. Dorothy Parker
• An overmastering desire to be vilified by enemies while living and made ridiculous by friends when dead. Ambrose Bierce
• An enemy can partly ruin a man but it takes a good-natured injudicious friend to complete the thing and make it perfect. Mark Twain
• An old friend will help you move; a good friend will help you move a dead body. Jim Hayes
• Animals may be our friends; but they won’t pick you up at the airport. Bobcat’ Goldthwait
• Antipathy: The sentiment inspired by one’s friend’s friend.
• Anybody can sympathize with the sufferings of a friend but it requires a very fine nature to sympathize with a friend’s success. Oscar Wilde
• Apart from health, family, friends, possessions, memories, rights and reputation, what do you have to lose. Ashleigh Brilliant
• Ask anybody over 30 – if they tell you they have more than 10 friends you know they’re counting co-workers. Tom Papa
• Before borrowing from a friend, decide which you need most. Proverb
• Being soaked alone is cold. Being soaked with your best friend is an adventure. Emily Wing Smith
• Bette Davis and I are good friends; there’s nothing I wouldn’t say to her face – both of them.   Tallulah Bankhead
• Beware my friend… you are skating on hot water.
• Books are a poor substitute for female companionship, but they are easier to find. Patrick Rothfuss
• Boys are capital fellows in their own way among their mates but they are unwholesome companions for grown people. Charles Lamb
• Champagne for my real friends and real pain for my sham friends. Tom Waits
• Chat up line: My friend said I couldn’t start a conversation with the most beautiful girl in the room. Will you help me prove he was wrong?
• Confucius say friend is someone who thinks you’re a good egg even though you’re slightly cracked.   Confucius
• Dog: The only friend you can buy for money.
• Even when I was a kid my imaginary friend would play with the kid across the street. Daniel Tosh
• Every time I paint a portrait I lose a friend. John Singer Sargent
• Everyone has a friend who laughs funnier than he jokes.
• Few things in life are more embarrassing than the necessity of having to inform an old friend that you have just got engaged to his fiancee. C. Fields
• Fish: An animal that grows fastest between the time it is caught and the time a fisherman describes it to his friends.
• For three years everything was going great and then she just upped and left me to find a guy who wouldn’t hit her. Jim Norton Jr.
• Friend : someone who hears the song in my heart and sings it to me when my memory fails.
• Friend: A good friend is like a good bra, hard to find, supportive, comfortable and always close to your heart.  
• Friend: A person who listens attentively while you say nothing.
• Friend: One who has the same enemies as you have.
• Friend: Someone who thinks you’re a good egg even though you’re slightly cracked.
• Friends are forever. Until they get in a relationship.
• Friends are God’s apology for relations. Hugh Kingsmill
• Friends are like condoms: They protect you when things get hard.
• Friends are like fiddle-strings and they must not be screwed too tightly. Irish proverb
• Friends are the bacon bits in the salad bowl of life.
• Friends come and go but enemies accumulate. Jone’s Motto
• Friends help you move. Real friends help you move bodies.
• Friends may come and go but enemies accumulate. Thomas Jones
• Friends: There are two kinds of friends – those who are around when you need them, and those who are around when they need you.
• Friendship is not possible between two women, one of whom is very well dressed. Laurie Colwin
• Future: That period of time in which our affairs prosper our friends are true and our happiness is assured. Ambrose Bierce
• Garlic diet : you don’t actually lose weight but your friends think you  look thinner  at a distance. 
• George Bernard Shaw to Winston Churchill: Am reserving two tickets for you for my premiere. Come and bring a friend – if you have one. Churchill’s reply: Impossible to be present for the first performance; will attend second  – if there is one.   Winston Churchill
• Going to war over religion is basically just killing people in an argument over who has the better imaginary friend. Richard Jeni
• Greater love hath no man than this to lay down his friends for his life. Jeremy Thorpe
• Guys I’ve been meeting have the worst pickup lines like: “Hey what’s your friend’s name? ”  Melanie Reno
• Harry: Because no man can be friends with a woman that he finds attractive. He always wants to have sex with her. Sally: So you’re saying that a man can be friends with a woman he finds unattractive? Harry: No. You pretty much want to nail …em too.   Billy Crystal
• He [Bernard Shaw] hasn’t an enemy in the world and none of his friends like him. Oscar Wilde
• He has no enemies but is intensely disliked by his friends. Oscar Wilde
• He hasn’t an enemy in the world – but all his friends hate him.   Eddie Cantor
• He would stab his best friend for the sake of writing an epigram on his tombstone. Oscar Wilde
• He’s a fine friend; he stabs you in the front. Leonard L. Levinson
• Health – what my friends are always drinking to before they fall down. Phyllis Diller
• His faults are buried with him beneath this stone. His virtues (if he had any) are remembered by his friends.  Epitaph
• Honest criticism is hard to take particularly from a relative a friend an acquaintance or a stranger. Franklin Jones
• Hospital Room: A place where friends of the patient go to talk to other friends of the patient.
• Hug your friends tight, but your enemies tighter – hug ’em so tight they can’t wiggle. Lyndon B. Johnson
• I always like to know everything about my new friends and nothing about my old ones. Oscar Wilde
• I am a success today because I had a friend who believed in me and I didn’t have the heart to let him down. Abraham Lincoln
• I am so against [gay marriage] because all my gay friends are out and if they get married it will cost a fortune in gifts. Joan Rivers
• I choose my friends for their good looks, my acquaintances for their good characters, and my enemies for their good intellects. Oscar Wilde
• I don’t want to lose weight; my tongue and my taste buds are the only friends I got.  Joey Kola
• I drifted into photography like one drifts into prostitution. First I did it to please myself, then I did it to please my friends, and eventually I did it for the money. Philippe Halsman
• I get all my exercise from acting as a pallbearer to my friends who exercise. Chauncey Depew
• I got a lotta best friends.; some o’ them I don’t even hardly know. Archie Bunker
• I have lost friends, some by death… others through sheer inability to cross the street. Virginia Woolf
• I have to go now. I’m having an old friend for dinner. Anthony Hopkins (as Hannibal)
• I have two friends, Steve and Martin. But I’d happily replace both for the friendship of Steve Martin. Jarod Kintz
• I honestly believe there is absolutely nothing like going to bed with a good book or a friend who’s read one.   Oscar Levant
• I lent a friend of mine $10000 for plastic surgery and now I don’t know what he looks like. Emo Phillips
• I was playing chess with my friend and he said …Let’s make this more interesting’   so we stopped playing chess.   Matt Kirshen
• I was such a nerd in high school I didn’t even have imaginary friends; I had imaginary bullies.  Brian Posehn
• I was the kid next door’s imaginary friend. Emo Phillips
• I went to a restaurant with my friend and he said “Pass the salt” I said  “Screw you! Sit closer to the salt.”   Mitch Hedberg
• I’m a controversial figure: my friends either dislike me or hate me. Oscar Levant
• I’m a Mog: half man half dog. I’m my own best friend. John Candy
• I’m even in denial about the fact that I’m in therapy; I’ve just convinced myself there’s a friend that I see once a week and then I lend her $90 and she never pays me back. Caroline Rhea
• I’m forty years old. I’m done with faking friendships and orgasms.
• I’m good friends with 25 letters of the alphabet I don’t know why.   Chris Turner
• I’ve always said that in politics your enemies can’t hurt you but your friends will kill you. Ann Richards
• If Barbie is so popular why do you have to buy her friends? Steven Wright
• If I ever go missing, I want my picture on a wine bottle instead of a milk carton. This way my friends will know I’m missing.
• If I had known the difference between the words ‘antidote’ and ‘anecdote,’ one of my good friends would still be living. John McDowell
• If you help a friend in need he is sure to remember you the next time he’s in need.   Chiet’s Lament
• In the language of flowers the yellow rose means friendship, the red rose means love, and the orchid means business. C.McKenzie
• In times of prosperity friends will be plenty, in times of adversity not one in twenty. English proverb
• It is important to our friends to believe that we are unreservedly frank with them and important to friendship that we are not. Mignon McLaughlin
• It is not necessary to have enemies if you go out of your way to make friends hate you. Frank Dane
• It is well to remember that there are five reasons for drinking: the arrival of a friend; one’s present or future thirst; the excellence of the wine; or any other reason. Latin saying
• It was tough growing up in Florida because all my friends were retired. Wayne Federman
• It’s easier to find a traveling companion than to get rid of one. Art Buchwald
• It’s wonderful to meet so many friends that I didn’t used to like. Casey Stengel
• It’s easier to find a traveling companion than to get rid of one. Art Buchwald
• Last week I helped my friend stay put – it’s a lot easier than helping someone move  – I just went over to his house and made sure that he did not start to load shit into a truck.   Mitch Hedberg
• Lord if I can’t be skinny please let all my friends be fat. Dave Allen
• Man is the only animal that can remain on friendly terms with the victims he intends to eat until he eats them. Samuel Butler
• Many a man’s lost his best friend by marrying her. Buddy Ebsen
• Marriage: A friendship recognized by the police. Robert Louis Stevenson
• May God defend me from my friends; I can defend myself from my enemies. Voltaire
• Money can’t buy friends but it can get you a better class of enemy. Spike Milligan
• My friend has difficulty sleeping but I can do it with my eyes closed. Shmuel Breban
• My friend said I couldn’t start a conversation with the most beautiful girl in the room. Will you help me prove he was wrong?
• My friends tell me I have an intimacy problem. But they don’t really know me. Garry Shandling
• My friends would copulate with anything that moved but I never saw reason to limit myself. Emo Philips
• My mother never breast fed me, she told me she only liked me as a friend.  Rodney Dangerfield
• My wife ran off with my best friend last week. I miss him! Wayne Carter
• Never exaggerate your faults. Your friends will attend to that.
• Never forget a friend – especially if he owes you.  Fortune cookie
• Never join with your friend when he abuses his horse or his wife unless the one is to be sold, and the other to be buried. Charles Caleb Colton
• Never wave to a friend at an auction.
• No one is completely unhappy at the failure of his best friend. Groucho Marx
• One good reason to only maintain a small circle of friends is that three out of four murders are committed by people who know the victim. George Carlin
• Only choose in marriage a man whom you would choose as a friend if he were a woman. Joseph Joubert
• Optimist: The sort of man who marries his sister’s best friend. L. Mencken
• Outside a dog, a book is a man’s best friend. Inside of a dog, it’s too dark to read.  Groucho Marx
• Platonic friendship : The interval between the introduction and the first kiss.
• Senescence begins and middle age ends the day your descendants outnumber your friends. Ogden Nash
• Sense Of Humor: Being able to laugh at your friends’ misfortunes.
• Sewing Circle: A group of women who needle each other.
• Sewing Circle: Where friendship hangs by a thread.
• Sex again Peg? we’ve been married seventeen years now; can’t we just be friends?   Ed O’Neill
• She is such a good friend that she would throw all her acquaintances into the water for the pleasure of fishing them out again. Charles de Talleyrand-P’©rigord
• She’s so fat, she’s my two best friends. Joan Rivers
• Staying married may have long-term benefits. You can elicit much more sympathy from friends over a bad marriage than you ever can from a good divorce. J. O’Rourke
• Sympathy: What one usually gives to a friend or relative when he doesn’t want to lend him money.
• The best accessory a girl can have is her best friend. Paris Hilton
• The capacity for friendship is God’s way of apologizing for our families. Jay McInerney
• The cat could very well be man’s best friend but would never stoop to admitting it. Doug Larson Howe
• The full potentialities of human fury cannot be reached until a friend of both parties tactfully intervenes. K. Chesterton
• The future is that period of time in which our affairs prosper, our friends are true, and our happiness is assured. Ambrose Bierce
• The only difference between friends and lovers is about four minutes. Scott Roeben
• The only exercise I get is walking behind the coffins of friends who took exercise. Peter O’Toole
• The only exercise I take is acting as pall-bearer to my friends who have indulged in strenuous exercise! Royal S. Copeland
• The reason a dog has so many friends is that he wags his tail instead of his tongue.
• The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four people is suffering from a mental illness. Look at your 3 best friends. If they’re ok, then it’s you. Rita Mae Brown
• The two most important things in life are good friends and a strong bullpen. Bob Lemon
• The usual drawback to success is that it annoys one’s friends so. G. Wodehouse
• There are a good many fools who call me a friend and also a good many friends who call me a fool. Winston Churchill
• There are only three things in life that matter – good friends, good chocolate and, oh dear, what was that other one?
• There are three faithful friends, an old wife an old dog and ready money.  Benjamin Franklin
• There are two kinds of friends – those who are around when you need them and those who are around when they need you.
• There is nothing better than a friend, unless it is a friend with chocolate. Linda Grayson
• Those of us who are already married truly love a wedding in the same way that someone who has jumped into an unheated swimming pool is delighted when a friend falls for the old come on in the water’s fine gag.
• To a friend, who asked him how to find out a girl’s faults, he gave the sage advice to praise her to her girl friends. Edwin Lillie Miller
• To find a friend one must close one eye; to keep him – two.   Norman Douglas
• To find out a girl’s faults praise her to her girl friends. Benjamin Franklin
• Truce: Friendship. Ambrose Bierce
• True friends stab you in the front. Oscar Wilde
• Try the garlic diet. You don’t actually lose weight but your friends think you  look thinner  at a distance.
• We cherish our friends not for their ability to amuse us but for our to amuse them. Evelyn Waugh
• We cherish our friends not for their ability to amuse us, but for our ability to amuse them. Evelyn Waugh
• When a man’s best friend is his dog that dog has a problem. Edward Abbey
• When I told my friends I was going to be a comedian they laughed at me. …Carrot Top’
• When I was a kid I had two friends and they were imaginary and they would only play with each other. Rita Rudner
• When you are down and out something always turns up – and it is usually the noses of your friends.   Orson Welles
• When you’re in jail a good friend will be trying to bail you out. a best friend will be in the cell next to you saying…”Damn that was fun.”  Groucho Marx
• You are such a good friend that if we were on a sinking ship together and there was only one life jacket… I’d miss you heaps and think of you often.
• You ever get a new cell phone and you’re too lazy to transfer all the numbers over so you just stop being friends with a bunch of people?  Jordan Rubin
• You leave eager to tell your friends about the unprecedented awfulness you’ve witnessed. Edward Porter
• You may laugh at a friend’s roof; don’t laugh at his sleeping accomodation. Kenyan proverb
• You see my friend over there? [Point to friend who sheepishly waves from afar] He wants to know if YOU think I’M cute.
• You want a friend in Washington? get a dog.   Harry Truman
• You want to know how your girl will treat you after marriage just listen to her talking to her little brother. Sam Levenson
• You’re basically killing each other to see who’s got the better imaginary friend. Richard Jeni
• Young men: If you attend this crap with friends who admire it tactfully inform them they are idiots. Young women: If your date likes this movie tell him you’ve been thinking it over and you think you should consider spending some time apart. Roger Ebert
• Your best friends are those who speak well of you behind your back. Sam Ewing
• Your friends are God’s way of apologizing for your relatives. Wayne Dyer
• Your secrets are safe with me and all my friends.

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