Definitions

• Alcohol: A substance that God invented so that fat girls would get laid too.
• Amen: a special way of saying “over and out” to God.
• Black holes are where God divided by zero. Steven Wright
• Chance: The pseudonym of God when he does not want to sign.
• Capitalism: God’s way of determining who is smart and who is poor. Nick Offerman
• Chocolate is God’s apology for broccoli. Richard Paul Evans
• Church: Man’s effort to keep a roof over God’s head.
• Cocaine is God’s way of saying that you’re making too much money. Robin Williams
• Conceit: God’s gift to little men.  Bruce Barton
• Definition of a teenager? God’s punishment for enjoying sex.
• Deja Vu – When you think you’re doing something you’ve done before, it’s because God thought it was so funny, he had to rewind it for his friends.
• A sceptic is a person who would ask God for his ID card. Edgar A. Shoaff
• A teenager is God’s punishment for enjoying sex.
• Eskimos: God’s frozen people.
• God: The most popular scapegoat for our sins. Mark Twain
• Homosexuality is God’s way of ensuring that the truly gifted aren’t burdened with children. Sam Austin
• Fanatic: A man who does what God would do – if He only had the facts straight.
• Florida: God’s waiting room. Glenn le Grice
• Friends are God’s apology for relations. Hugh Kingsmill
• God – the John Doe of philosophy and religion. Elbert Hubbard
• Man: A creature made at the end of a week’s work when God was tired.  Twain Mark
• Sceptic: A person who would ask God for His ID card.     Edgar A. Shoaff
• Teenager: God’s punishment for enjoying sex
• Woman: A creature whom God made beautiful that man might love her and unreasonable that she might love man.

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God and humour

• After God created the world, He made man and woman. Then, to keep the whole thing from collapsing, He invented humor.  Bill Kelly
• Do you know why God withheld the sense of humor from women? That we may love you instead of laugh at you.   Patrick Campbell
• God always has another custard pie up His sleeve. Lynn Redgrave
• God is a comedian playing to an audience too afraid to laugh. Voltaire
• God writes a lot of comedy – the trouble is he’s stuck with so many bad actors who don’t know how to play funny. Garrison Keillor
• If there’s one thing I know, it’s God does love a good joke. Hugh Elliott
• Men reach their sexual peak at eighteen. Women reach theirs at thirty-five.  Do you get the feeling that God is playing a practical joke?  Rita Rudner
• Sex is God’s joke on human beings. Bette Davis
• The pug is living proof that God has a sense of humor. Margo Kaufman

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God and the devil

• An apology for the devil: it must be remembered that we have heard only one side of the case; God has written all the books. Samuel Butler
• And God said: ‘Let there be Satan so people don’t blame everything on Me; and let there be lawyers so people don’t blame everything on Satan.’ John Wing Jr.
• Don’t you know there ain’t no devil, it’s just god when he’s drunk. Tom Waits
• God is in my head, but the devil is in my pants. Jonathan Winters
• God sends meat and the devil sends cooks. Thomas Deloney
• Satan probably wouldn’t have talked so big if God had been his wife. J. O’Rourke
• There ain’t no devil, only God when he’s drunk. Tom Waits

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God, men and women

• I think that God in creating man somewhat overestimated his ability. Oscar Wilde
• Men don’t get cellulite. God might just be a man. Rita Rudner
• My husband and I divorced over religious differences. He thought he was God, and I didn’t.
• Sure, God created man before woman. But then you always make a rough draft before the final masterpiece.
• What did God say after creating man? I must be able to do better than that.
• When God made man, she was practicing. Rita Mae Brown
• Why did God make man before woman? You need a rough draft before you have a final copy.
• Woman: A creature whom God made beautiful that man might love her and unreasonable that she might love man.

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God and prayer

• If we could all hear one another’s prayers, God might be relieved of some of his burdens. Ashleigh Brilliant
• If you talk to God, you are praying; if God talks to you, you have schizophrenia. Thomas Szasz
• My prayer to God is a very short one: ‘Oh Lord make my enemies ridiculous;’ God has granted it. Voltaire
• Prayer of the modern American: Dear God, I pray for patience. And I want it right now!
• Why is it that when we talk to God we’re said to be praying, but when God talks to us we’re schizophrenic? Lily Tomlin
• Dear God, please send clothes to all those poor ladies on grandpa’s computer. Amen

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God and sex

• God created sex. Priests created marriage. Voltaire
• God gave men brains larger than dogs so they wouldn’t hump women’s legs at cocktail parties. Angelina Jolie
• God gave us a penis and a brain, but only enough blood to run one at a time. Robin Williams
• I thank God I was raised Catholic, so sex will always be dirty. John Waters
• It is impossible to believe that the same God who permitted His own son to die a bachelor regards celibacy as an actual sin. L. Mencken
• It’s not about who you love it’s how you love. Genitalia is just God’s way of accessorizing. Sharon Gless
• See the problem is that God gives men a brain and a penis and only enough blood to run one at a time. Robin Williams
• Sex is God’s joke on human beings. Bette Davis
• The Bible contains six admonishments to homosexuals and 362 admonishments to heterosexuals. That doesn’t mean that God doesn’t love heterosexuals.  It’s just that they need more supervision.  Lynn Lavner
• To hear many religious people talk, one would think God created the torso, head, legs and arms, but the devil slapped on the genitals. Don Schrader
• We Romans are rich. We’ve got a lot of gods. We’ve got a god for everything. The only thing we don’t have a god for is premature ejaculation, but I hear that’s coming quickly. Mel Brooks
• Life in Lubbock, Texas taught me two things: One is that God loves you and you’re going to burn in hell; the other is that sex is the most awful, filthy thing on earth, and you should save it for someone you love. Butch Hancock
• And God I promise, no more sex with anybody unless they really really need it. Rue McClanahan

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God’s creations

• God could not be everywhere and therefore he made mothers. Jewish proverb
• As the poet said, “Only God can make a tree” – probably because it’s so hard to figure out how to get the bark on. Woody Allen
• Confucius say grandchildren are God’s reward for not killing your children. Confucius
• Do not blame God for having created the tiger but thank Him for not having given it wings. Ethiopian proverb
• God created war so that Americans would learn geography.
• God didn’t create the world in seven days. He pulled an all nighter on the sixth.
• God invented football so grown men would have something to do between wars. Dan Jenkins
• God made everyone different. He got tired by the time he got to China.
• God made man, and then said I can do better than that and made woman. Adela Rogers
• God made rainy days so gardeners could get the housework done.
• God must love stupid people. He made so many.
• God wisely designed the human body so that we can neither pat our own backs nor kick ourselves too easily.
• I can never forgive God for having created the French. Peter Ustinov
• In the beginning there was nothing. And God said, ‘Let there be Light.’ And there was still nothing, but you could see it a bit better. Dave Weinstein
• In the first place God made idiots; that was for practice; then he made school boards.
• On the eighth day, God created coffee.
• On the sixth day God created man. On the seventh day, man returned the favor.
• The Bible declares that on the sixth day God created man; right then and there God should have demanded a damage deposit. Jim Hightower
• I believe our Heavenly Father invented man because he was disappointed in the monkey. Mark Twain

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God and Catholicism

• I’m saying I can’t afford to make no donations to no Catholic charities. If you need the money that bad wire the Pope he’s got more money than God. Archie Bunker
• Catholics don’t get divorced; they stay together through anger and hatred and festering misery just like God intended. Lenny Clarke
• I can’t get divorced because I’m a Catholic. Catholics don’t get divorced. They stay together through anger and hatred and festering misery, just like God intended. Lenny Clarke

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God and alcohol

• Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy.
• The Bible’s full of wine – God ain’t got nothing against a little drink to celebrate His Son’s birthday with. Archie Bunker

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Disbelief in God

• Atheism is a fervid belief in disbelief. Dr Laurence Peter
• Don’t get me wrong I believe in God; I just don’t trust anybody who works for him. Jack Coen
• God is not dead but alive and working on a much less ambitious project.
• God save us from religion. David Eddings
• Gods like to see an atheist around – gives them something to aim at. Terry Pratchett
• Good God how much reverence can you have for a Supreme Being who finds it necessary to include such phenomena as phlegm and tooth-decay in His divine system of creation? Joseph Heller
• He – and if there is a God, I am convinced he is a he, because no woman could or would ever fuck things up this badly. George Carlin
• Hobbes: Do you think there’s a God? Calvin: Well, somebody’s out to get me!  Bill Watterson
• How can I believe in God when only last week I got my tongue caught in the roller of an electric typewriter? Woody Allen
• I always like a dog so long as he isn’t spelled backward. K. Chesterton
• I believe in God; I just don’t trust anyone who works for him.
• I don’t know why it is that the religious never ascribe common sense to God. Somerset Maugham
• I know I’m God because when I pray to him, I find I’m talking to myself. Peter Barnes
• I prefer to think that God is not dead, just drunk. John Marcellus Huston
• I read the book of Job last night; I don’t think God comes out well in it. Virginia Woolf
• I simply haven’t the nerve to imagine a being, a force, a cause which keeps the planets revolving in their orbits, and then suddenly stops in order to give me a bicycle with three speeds. Quentin Crisp
• Be sure to lie to your kids about the benevolent, all-seeing Santa Claus. It will prepare them for an adulthood of believing in God. Scott Dikkers
• I’m an Atheist, thank God.   Dave Allen
• I’ve begun worshipping the sun for a number of reasons. First of all, unlike some other gods I could mention, I can see the sun. It’s there for me every day. And the things it brings me are quite apparent all the time: heat, light, food, and a lovely day. There’s no mystery, no one asks for money, I don’t have to dress up, and there’s no boring pageantry. And interestingly enough, I have found that the prayers I offer to the sun and the prayers I formerly offered to “God” are all answered at about the same 50% rate. George Carlin
• I’ve never understood how God could expect his creatures to pick the one true religion by faith — it strikes me as a sloppy way to run a universe. Robert A. Heinlein
• I’m an atheist and I thank God for it. George Bernard Shaw
• If it turns out that there is a God…the worst that you can say about him is that basically he’s an underachiever. Woody Allen
• If there really is a God who created the entire universe with all of its glories, and He decides to deliver a message to humanity, He will not use, as His messenger, a person on cable TV with a bad hairstyle. Dave Barry
• If we’re all God’s children, what’s so special about Jesus? Jimmy Carr
• It is the final proof of God’s omnipotence that he need not exist in order to save us. Peter De Vries
• Man is certainly stark mad; he cannot make a worm and yet he will be making gods by dozens. Michel de Montaigne
• Not only is there no god but try getting a plumber on weekends. Woody Allen
• Only priests and fools are fearless and I’ve never been on the best of terms with God. Patrick Rothfuss
• The important thing, I think, is not to be bitter. You know, if it turns out that there is a God, I don’t think that he’s evil. I think that the worst you can say about him is that basically he’s an underachiever. Woody Allen
• To you, I’m an atheist. To God, I’m the loyal opposition. Woody Allen
• What can you say about a society that says that God is dead and Elvis is alive? Irv Kupcinet
• What’s “God”? Well, you know, when you want something really bad and you close your eyes and you wish for it? God’s the guy that ignores you. Steve Buscemi
• When I told the people of Northern Ireland that I was an atheist, a woman in the audience stood up and said, ‘Yes, but is it the God of the Catholics or the God of the Protestants in whom you don’t believe? Quentin Crisp
• If only God would give me some clear sign! Like making a large deposit in my name at a Swiss bank.   Woody Allen
• If there is a God and with things the way they are in the world one can’t help being a tad sceptical he should rain lightning bolts down on the offices of Dark Castle Entertainment. Tor Thorsen
• It’s hard to believe that if there is a God he would want people to stand in the street and shout like maniacs. I think He would choose better qualified people. Mark Watson
• Sceptic: A person who would ask God for His ID card.     Edgar A. Shoaff

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If God had wanted …

• If God had intended us to follow recipes, He wouldn’t have given us grandmothers. Linda Henley
• If God had wanted me otherwise, He would have created me otherwise. Johann Wolfgang von Goethe
• If God is watching us, the least we can do is be entertaining.
• If God wanted us to fly, He would have given us tickets. Mel Brooks
• If God wanted us to go naked, we would have been born that way.
• If God wanted women to understand men, football would never have been created. Roger Simon

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Thinking you’re God / Being God

• We are gods with anuses. Ernest Becker
• You’re so damn arrogant. If you ever met God, the first thing you’d say is, what are you doing in my chair? Lisa Gardner
• There but for the grace of God goes God. Winston Churchill
• Part of me suspects that I’m a loser, and the other part of me thinks I’m God Almighty. John Lennon
• God’s busy; they’ll have to make do with me. John McKay
• He’s [Frank Sinatra] the kind of guy that when he dies he’s going up to heaven and give God a bad time for making him bald. Marlon Brando
• Treat everyone you meet like God in drag. Ram Dass
• If God dwells inside us like some people say I sure hope he likes enchiladas because that’s what he’s getting. Jack Handey
• My husband and I divorced over religious differences. He thought he was God, and I didn’t.
• Treat everyone you meet like God in drag. Ram Dass

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Church signs

• Are you wrinkled with burden? Come to God for a faith lift.
• Don’t Make Me Come Down There – God
• Download Your Worries – Get On Line with God
• God’s Last Name Isn’t “Damn “
• Looking For A Sign From God? – This Is It.  
• My way is the highway. – God  
• No God, No Peace. Know God, Know Peace.
• Staying In Bed Shouting Oh God! Does Not Constitute Going to Church
• If God is your co-pilot – swap seats.
• God knows all about you.
• If you’re headed in the wrong direction God allows U-turns. Church sign
• My way is the highway. – God   Church sign

God and forgiveness

• God will forgive me. It is his profession. Heinrich Heine
• God will pardon me – it is His trade. Heinrich Heine
• I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn’t work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.

God and food

• If God did not intend for us to eat animals, then why did he make them out of meat? John Cleese
• If God didn’t want us to eat animals, then why’d he make them so tasty? Homer Simpson

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Final thoughts

• All God does is watch us and kill us when we get boring. We must never, ever be boring. Chuck Palahniuk
• As long as we are lucky we attribute it to our smartness; our bad luck we give the gods credit for. Josh Billings
• Dear God, I pray for patience. And I want if RIGHT NOW!  Oren Arnold
• Do I believe in God? Let’s say we have a working relationship.   Noel Coward
• Droughts are because God didn’t pay his water bill. Rod Schmidt
• Every day people are straying away from the Church and going back to God. Lenny Bruce
• God didn’t do it all in one day. What makes me think I can?
• God heals, and the doctor takes the fee. Benjamin Franklin
• God is good but never dance in a small boat. Proverb
• God is silent. Now if only man would shut up. Woody Allen
• God shows his contempt for wealth by the kind of person he selects to receive it. Austin O’Malley
• God was left out of the Constitution but was furnished a front seat on the coins of the country. Mark Twain
• I am not the editor of a newspaper and shall always try to do right and be good so that God will not make me one. Mark Twain
• I don’t think God put me on this planet to judge others. I think he put me on this planet to gather specimens and take them back to my home planet. Jack Handey
• I have often a suspicion God is still trying to work things out and hasn’t finished. Rebecca West
• I hope God speaks English; if I get up to heaven and have to point at a menu I’m gonna be pissed. Daniel Tosh
• I know God will not give me anything I can’t handle; I just wish that He didn’t trust me so much. Mother Teresa
• I know why the sun never sets on the British Empire: God wouldn’t trust an Englishman in the dark. Duncan Spaeth
• I used to get bummed out when it rained; then I realized that it’s God’s way of washing off hippies. Demetri Martin
• If God did not exist it would be necessary to invent him. Voltaire
• If God doesn’t destroy Hollywood Boulevard he owes Sodom and Gomorrah an apology. Jay Leno
• If God dropped acid, would he see people? George Carlin
• If you call on God to improve the results of a shot while it is still in motion you are using “an outside agency ” and subject to appropriate penalties under the rules of golf. Henry Longhurst
• If you want to know what God thinks of money you only have to look at those to whom he gives it. Maurice Baring
• In ancient times cats were worshipped as gods; they have not forgotten this. Terry Pratchett
• In view of the fact that God limited the intelligence of man it seems unfair that He did not also limit his stupidity. Konrad Adenauer
• Karma is God’s girlfriend. Allan Williams
• Only one thing is impossible for God; to find any sense in any copyright law on the planet. Mark Twain
• Marrying for love may be a bit risky but it is so honest that God can’t help but smile on it. Josh Billings
• May God defend me from my friends; I can defend myself from my enemies. Voltaire
• Most people wish to serve God – but only in an advisory capacity.
• My husband says I feed him like he’s a god: every meal is a burnt offering. Rhonda Hansome
• She is so old she’s in God’s year book.
• Sleep is God. Go worship. Jim Butcher
• Some movie stars wear their sunglasses even in church. They’re afraid God might recognize them and ask for autographs. Fred A. Allen
• Sometimes you get the sense that the Creator is getting to that point of “Yeah, we might have to reboot.” Tim Allen
• Suicide is man’s way of telling God “You can’t fire me – I quit.” Bill Maher
• Thank God for the last minute. Otherwise nothing would ever get done.
• The capacity for friendship is God’s way of apologizing for our families. Jay McInerney
• The chicken came first – God would look silly sitting on an egg.
• The difference between God and the historians consists above all in the fact that God cannot alter the past. Samuel Butler
• The more you complain, the longer God makes you live.
• The only thing God didn’t do to Job was give him a computer. F. Stone
• The reality of loving God is loving him like he’s a Superhero who actually saved you from stuff rather than a Santa Claus who merely gave you some stuff. Criss Jami
• The universe is merely a fleeting idea in God’s mind – a pretty uncomfortable thought particularly if you’ve just made a down payment on a house. Woody Allen
• Those who the gods seek to destroy first learn how to play golf. Leslie Nielsen
• All God’s children are not beautiful; most of God’s children are in fact barely presentable. Fran Lebowitz
• War is God’s way of teaching us geography. Ambrose Bierce
• Wearing a T-Shirt with “Let’s talk about God” on it always guarantees me a seat to myself on the train.
• Where lipstick is concerned the important thing is not color but to accept God’s final word on where your lips end. Jerry Seinfeld
• Whom the gods wish to destroy they first call promising. Cyril Connolly
• Why did God create stock analysts? In order to make weather forecasters look good.
• God don’t make no mistakes – that’s how He got to be God. Archie Bunker
• God gives nuts to those who have no teeth. Proverb
• I read the book of Job last night; I don’t think God comes out well in it.  Virginia Woolf
• It only rains straight down God doesn’t do windows. Rod Schmidt

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