Love is …

• Love is the delightful interval between meeting a beautiful girl and discovering that she looks like a haddock.  John Barrymore
• Love is a gross exaggeration of the difference between one person and everybody else.  George Bernard Shaw
• Love is a wildly misunderstood although highly desirable malfunction of the heart which weakens the brain, causes eyes to sparkle, cheeks to glow, blood pressure to rise and the lips to pucker.
• Love is an emotion experienced by the many and enjoyed by the few.  George Jean Nathan
• Love is an irresistible desire to be irresistibly desired.  Robert Frost
• Love is an ocean of emotions entirely surrounded by expenses.  Arthur (Lord) Dewar
• Love is like war: easy to begin but very hard to stop.  L. Mencken
• Love is much nicer to be in than an automobile accident a tight girdle a higher tax bracket or a holding pattern over Philadelphia.  Judith Viorst
• Love is not the dying moan of a distant violin – it’s the triumphant twang of a bedspring. J. Perelman
• Love is often nothing but a favorable exchange between two people who get the most of what they can expect, considering their value on the personality market. Erich Fromm
• Love is so confusing – you tell a girl she looks great and what’s the first thing you do? turn out the lights!   Robert Orben
• Love is staying up all night with a sick child or a healthy adult.  David Frost
• Love is the delightful interval between meeting a beautiful girl and discovering that she looks like a haddock.  John Barrymore
• Love is the delusion that one woman differs from another.  Mencken H.L.
• Love is the only industry which can’t operate on a five-day week.  Mae West
• Love is the triumph of imagination over intelligence.  L.Mencken
• Love is what happens to a man and woman who don’t know each other.   Somerset Maugham
• Love is what you make it; unfortunately, I can’t make it today as I have a doctor’s appointment.  Jarod Kintz
• Love: A form of self-government under a two-party system.
• Love: The triumph of imagination over intelligence.
• Love: Two minds without a single thought.  Philip Barry

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Falling in love

• Before I met my husband, I’d never fallen in love. I’d stepped in it a few times. Rita Rudner
• Falling in love consists merely in uncorking the imagination and bottling the common sense.  Helen Rowland
• Forget love – I’d rather fall in chocolate!  Sandra J. Dykes
• Gravitation can not be held responsible for people falling in love.  Albert Einstein
• He that falls in love with himself will have no rivals. Benjamin Franklin
• I’d rather have an accident than fall in love – that’s how much I love motor racing.   Lella Lombardi
• In my spare time I like to read, write, and fall in love with unavailable people.
• Love: Woman’s eternal spring and man’s eternal fall.  Helen Rowland
• Many a man has fallen in love with a girl in a light so dim he would not have chosen a suit by it.  Maurice Chevalier
• Many a man who falls in love with a dimple make the mistake of marrying the whole girl.  Evan Esar
• No woman ever falls in love with a man unless she has a better opinion of him than he deserves.  Edgar Watson Howe
• Trying to fall out of love is like trying to climb a mountain. Blindfolded, on crutches, naked in a hail storm. Louise Caiola

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Love and marriage

• If love means never having to say you’re sorry then marriage means always having to say everything twice.  Estelle Getty
• If you want to read about love and marriage you’ve got to buy two separate books.  Alan King
• Inertia accounts for two-thirds of marriages but love accounts for the other third.  Woody Allen
• Love: A temporary insanity, curable by marriage.  Ambrose Bierce
• Love and marriage go together like angel cake and anthrax.  Julie Burchill
• Love is a temporary insanity, curable by marriage. Ambrose Bierce
• Love is an obsessive delusion that is cured by marriage.  Karl M. Bowman MD
• Love may be a dream but marriage is a nightmare.  Joan Collins
• Love may be blind, but marriage is a real eye opener.
• Love the quest; marriage the conquest; divorce the inquest.  Helen Rowland
• Love: A temporary insanity, curable by marriage.   Ambrose Bierce
• They say love is blind…and marriage is an institution. Well, I’m not ready for an institution for the blind just yet. Mae West
• To keep your marriage brimming, With love in the loving cup, Whenever you’re wrong admit it; Whenever you’re right shut up. Ogden Nash
• A man in love is incomplete until he has married. Then he’s finished.
• Getting divorced just because you don’t love a man is almost as silly as getting married just because you do.  Zsa Zsa Gabor
• I don’t think my wife likes me very much when I had a heart attack she wrote for an ambulance.  Frank Carson
• I recently read that love is entirely a matter of chemistry. That must be why my wife treats me like toxic waste.
• A husband is what is left of the lover after the nerve has been extracted.  Helen Rowland
• Husbands are chiefly good lovers when they are betraying their wives.  Marilyn Monroe
• Last night sitting on the couch with my husband, I said “I love you.” He asked. “Is that you or the wine talking?”  I said, “It’s me talking to the wine.”
• Marrying for love may be a bit risky but it is so honest that God can’t help but smile on it.  Josh Billings
• Real happiness is when you marry a girl for love and find out later she has money.  Bob Monkhouse
• Tennis is like marrying for money; …love’ means nothing.  Phyllis Diller
• The honeymoon is over when love and kisses no longer rhyme with Mr. and Mrs. Jack Warwick

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Love and sex

• Don’t knock masturbation. It’s sex with someone you love. Woody Allen
• I need sex for a clear complexion, but I’d rather do it for love. Joan Crawford
• Infatuation is when you think he’s as sexy as Robert Redford, as smart as Henry Kissinger, as noble as Ralph Nader, as funny as Woody Allen, and as athletic as Jimmy Conners. Love is when you realize that he’s as sexy as Woody Allen, as smart as Jimmy Connors, as funny as Ralph Nader, as athletic as Henry Kissinger and nothing like Robert Redford – but you’ll take him anyway.   Judith Viorst
• Love is a matter of chemistry; sex is a matter of physics.  Mark’s Mark
• Love is just a system for getting someone to call you Darling after sex. Julian Barnes
• Love is the answer, but while you are waiting for the answer, sex raises some pretty good questions. Woody Allen
• Love is the self-delusion we manufacture to justify the trouble we take to have sex. Dan Greenburg
• Love is the word used to label the sexual excitement of the young, the habituation of the middle- aged, and the mutual dependence of the old.  John Ciardi
• Sex alleviates tension; love causes it.  Woody Allen
• Sex without love is an empty experience but as empty experiences go, it’s a pretty good empty experience. Woody Allen
• Sex without love is merely healthy exercise.  Robert Heinlein
• The difference between sex and love is that sex relieves tension and love causes it. Woody Allen
• Lust is what keeps you wanting to do it even when you have no desire to be with each other; love is what makes you want to be with each other even when you have no desire to do it. Judith Viorst
• Love will find a lay.  Robert Byrne

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Love is blind

• I’m glad that love is blind. It’s fun having to feel your way around.
• If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?
• Love is blind, which is why it has such a keen sense of touch. Jane Mansfield
• Love is said to be blind but I know some fellows in love who can see twice as much in their sweethearts as I do.  Josh Billings
• The look of love wears a blindfold and smells like the trunk of my car.  Jarod Kintz

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Love at first sight

• A dog is the only thing on earth that loves you more than he loves himself.  Josh Billings
• Great Timesaver: Love at first sight.
• He fell in love with himself at first sight and it is a passion to which he has always remained faithful. Anthony Powell
• It was love at first sight. Then I took a second look!!
• Love at first sight is easy to understand; it’s when two people have looking at each other for a lifetime that it becomes a miracle.  Amy Bloom

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Women in love

• A woman has got to love a bad man once or twice in her life to be thankful for a good one.  Mae West
• A woman in love can’t be reasonable – or she probably wouldn’t be in love.  Mae West
• Brains are an asset to the woman in love who’s smart enough to hide ’em.  Mae West
• No matter how love-sick a woman is she shouldn’t take the first pill that comes along.  Joyce Brothers
• Once a woman has given you her heart you can never get rid of the rest of her body.  John Vanbrugh
• A girl must marry for love and keep on marrying until she finds it.  Zsa Zsa Gabor
• A lady’s imagination is very rapid; it jumps from admiration to love, from love to matrimony in a moment. Jane Austen
• Don’t come crawlin’ to a man for love; he likes to get a run for his money.  Mae West

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Men in love

• A man can be happy with any woman as long as he doesn’t love her.
• A man is already halfway in love with any woman who listens to him.   Brendan Francis Behan
• If you cannot inspire a woman with love of you, fill her above the brim with love of herself ~ all that runs over will be yours. Charles Caleb Colton
• If you have the woman you love what more do you need?   Well besides an alibi for the time of her husband’s murder.   Jarod Kintz
• To be happy with a woman you must love her a lot and not try to understand her at all.   Helen Rowland
• What I really need is a woman who loves me for my money but doesn’t understand math.   Mike Birbiglia
• The heaviest object in the world is the body of the woman you have ceased to love.   Luc de Clapiers
• A man always remembers his first love with special tenderness but after that he begins to bunch them.   H. L. Mencken
• A man should have two wives: one to love and one to sew on his buttons.  Gabriel Garcia Marquez
• Every man is thoroughly happy twice in his life: just after he has met his first love and just after he has left his last one.   H. L. Mencken
• I love her so much, I worship the ground her father found oil on.
• I was nauseous and tingly all over  I was either in love or I had smallpox.   Woody Allen
• I’ll love you, dear, I’ll love you till China and Africa meet and the river jumps over the mountain and the salmon sing in the street. W. H. Auden
• I’m in love with a philosophy major and she doesn’t even know I exist  – and worse  she can prove it.   Arj Barker
• Many a man in love with a dimple makes the mistake of marrying the whole girl.  Stephen Leacock

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Men verse women

• All love is probationary, a fact which frightens women and exhilarates men. Mignon McLaughlin
• Men always want to be a woman’s first love; women like to be a man’s last romance.  Oscar Wilde

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Love is not easy

• I occasionally get love sick; well they call it chlamydia. Jimmy Carr
• If loving someone is putting them in a straitjacket and kicking them down a flight of stairs then yes, I have loved a few people.  Jarod Kintz
• Four be the things I’d been better without: Love, curiosity, freckles and doubt. Dorothy Parker
• In the race for love I was scratched.  Joan Davie
• Happiness is the China shop; love is the bull.  L. Mencken
• If love is the answer, could you please rephrase the question? Lily Tomlin
• If love was easy there would be almost no music.  Jake Johannsen
• It is better to be on penicillin than never to have loved at all.
• Love can be sordid only if you work at it.  Brooke McEldowney
• Adultery is the application of democracy to love.  L. Mencken
• Love helps to kill time. And time helps to kill love.
• Love never dies of starvation but often of indigestion.  Ninon de L’Enclos
• Love will make you move all the way across the country and sell all your shit just to get away from that person.  Tom Rhodes
• Of course, it’s possible to love a human being if you don’t know them too well.  Charles Bukowski
• Trying to forget someone you love is like trying to remember someone you never knew.

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Low on love

• My love life is like a fairy tale – it’s grim.  Wendy Liebman
• My love life is like a piece of Swiss cheese; most of it’s missing and what’s there stinks.  Joan Rivers
• I’m such a good lover because I practice a lot on my own.  Woody Allen
• I’ve learned that you cannot make someone love you. All you can do is stalk them and hope they panic and give in.
• How is your love life…still holding your own?
• If love were oil I’d be about a quart low.  Lewis Grizzard Jr.
• Nothing spoils the taste of peanut butter like unrequited love.  Charley Brown
• The voice of love seemed to call me but it was a wrong number.   G. Wodehouse

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It is better to have loved …

• It is better to have loved and lost than never to have lost at all.  Samuel Butler
• It’s better to have loved a short man than never to have loved a tall.
• It’s better to have loved and lost than do forty pounds of laundry a week.  Salvador Dali
• It’s better to have loved and lost then have to live with that bitch for the rest of my life.  Steve McGrew

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Love is everything – or is it?

• Love conquers all things except poverty and toothache.  Mae West
• Love means nothing in tennis, but it’s everything in life.
• Love doesn’t make the world go round; love is what makes the ride worthwhile.  Franklin Jones
• In the arithmetic of love one plus one equals everything and two minus one equals nothing.  Mignon McLaughlin
• True love is the greatest thing, in the world-except for a nice MLT — mutton, lettuce and tomato sandwich, where the mutton is nice and lean and the tomato is ripe. The Princess Bride
• All you need is love. But a little chocolate now and then doesn’t hurt. Charles M. Schulz
• Those who have some means think that the most important thing in the world is love; the poor know that it is money.  Gerald Brenan

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Self-love

• We had a lot in common; I loved him and he loved him.  Shelley Winters
• Narcissism is walking down Lover’s Lane and holding your own hand.  Fred Allen
• Some of the greatest love affairs I’ve known have involved one actor – unassisted.   Wilson Mizner
• The last time I saw him he was walking down lover’s lane holding his own hand. Fred A. Allen

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Putting a price on love

• You can’t put a price tag on love but you can on all its accessories.  Melanie Clark (Pullen)
• If you love someone set them free. If they come back they’re probably broke.
• The only difference in the game of love over the last few thousand years is that they’ve changed trumps from clubs to diamonds.
• What’s the point of having children if you can’t buy their love?  Homer Simpson

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Love of children

• You don’t know what love is ’til you become a parent and fish a turd out of the bathtub for someone then have to act positive about it.  Margaret Smith
• There is no reciprocity; men love women, women love children, children love hamsters.  Alice Thomas Ellis

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More humorous thoughts about love

• A dog is the only thing on earth that loves you more than he loves himself.  Josh Billings
• A good speech has a beginning, a middle and an end, the best example being, “I love you.” Robert Brault
• All discarded lovers should be given a second chance but with somebody else.  Mae West
• Food, love, career and mothers: the four major guilt groups.  Cathy Guisewite
• Great love affairs start with champagne and end with tisane. Honoré de Balzac
• Hay smells different to lovers and horses.  Stanisäaw Lec
• Here’s to Love, the only fire against which there is no insurance.
• I can tell if two people are in love by how they hold each other’s hands and how thick their sanitation gloves are.  Jarod Kintz
• I know that there are people who do not love their fellow man and I hate people like that!  Tom Lehrer
• I love mankind, it’s people I can’t stand. Charles M. Schulz
• I love you like a fat kid loves cake! Scott Adams
• If a kiss was a raindrop, I would send you a shower, if a hug was a second, I would send you an hour, if a smile was water, I would send you the sea, if you need love, I would send you me…
• In real love, you want the other person’s good; in romantic love you want the other person.  Margaret Caroline Anderson
• John, do you think I’m the most beautiful girl in the world. Ugh Huh. Do you think my lips are like rose petals? Ugh huh. Do you love me with all your heart and soul? Ugh huh. Oh John, you say the nicest things.
• Life is one fool thing after another whereas love is two fool things after each other. Oscar Wilde
• Love and eggs are best when they are fresh.  Russian proverb
• Love looks through a telescope, envy through a microscope.  Josh Billings
• Love thy neighbor… and if he happens to be tall, debonair and devastating, it will be that much easier. Mae West
• Love your enemies. It makes them so damned mad.
• Love your enemy – it will drive him nuts. Elanor Doan
• Platonic love is love from the neck up. Thyra Smater Winsolow
• Saving love doesn’t bring any interest.  Mae West
• Send two dozen roses to Room 424 and put Emily I love you on the back of the bill. Groucho Marx
• The important thing is not the object of love, but the emotion itself. Gore Vidal
• The most beautiful words in the English language are not “I love you” but “benign.”  Woody Allen
• The one you love and the one who loves you are never ever the same person.  Chuck Palahniuk
• The only difference between friends and lovers is about four minutes.  Scott Roeben
• The perfect lover is one who turns into a pizza at 4:00 a.m.  Charles Pierce
• Then she kissed me and I knew it was puppy love. Her nose was cold.
• There are all types of love in this world but never the same love twice.
• To find out if she really loved me I hooked her up to a lie detector; and just as I suspected my machine was broken.  Jarod Kintz
• To know him was to like him; not to know him was to love him.  Bert Kalmar
• What the world really needs is more love and less paper work. Pearl Bailey
• When you’re in love it’s the most glorious two and a half days of your life.  Richard Lewis
• You and I have a love so secret that not even you know about it; but first let me introduce myself.  Jarod Kintz
• You can do what you want but saving love doesn’t bring any interest.  Mae West
• You know you’re in love when you reach out to hold your woman’s hand without remembering that her hands are full because you insisted she carry all the groceries out to the car.  Jarod Kintz
• You must fan the flames of love with the bellows of indifference.  Groucho Marx
• Young love is two hearts with only one thing in mind.
• Your picture’s in my wallet and I’m sitting on it – if that isn’t love I don’t know what is.  Larry Linville

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