Marriage (funny quotes)

Marriage can be a wonderful thing …

By all means marry; if you get a good wife, you’ll become happy; if you get a bad one, you’ll become a philosopher. Socrates
Marriage teaches you loyalty, forbearance, self-restraint, meekness, and a great many other things you wouldn’t need if you had stayed single. Jimmy Townsend
Wedlock is the deep, deep peace of the double bed after the hurly burly of the chaise lounge. Mrs Patrick Campbell
Marriage is a mistake every man should make. George Jessel
I love being married. It’s so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life. Rita Rudner

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… but by no means always

Relationships give us a reason to live. Revenge. Ronny Shakes
A wedding is just like a funeral except that you get to smell your own flowers. Grace Hansen
After a few years of marriage, a man can look right at a woman without seeing her – and a woman can see right through a man without looking at him. Helen Rowland
All marriages are happy. It’s the living together afterward that causes all the trouble. Raymond Hull
Bigamy is having one husband or wife too many. Monogamy is the same. Oscar Wilde
All tragedies are finished by a death, all comedies by a marriage. Lord Byron
For two people in a marriage to live together day after day is unquestionably the one miracle the Vatican has overlooked. Bill Cosby
Getting married is a lot like getting into a tub of hot water. After you get used to it, it ain’t so hot. Minnie Pearl
If variety is the spice of life, marriage is the big can of leftover Spam.
In olden times sacrifices were made at the altar – a practice which is still continued. Helen Rowland
It destroys one’s nerves to be amiable every day to the same human being. Benjamin Disraeli
Marriage is like a bank account. You put it in, you take it out, you lose interest. Irwin Corey
Marriage is like a deck of cards. All you need in the beginning is two hearts and a diamond. After 10 years you need a club and spade.
Marriage: A legal or religious ceremony by which two persons of the opposite sex solemnly agree to harass and spy on each other for ninety-nine years, or until death do them join. Elbert Hubbard
Three rings of marriage are the engagement ring, the wedding ring, and the suffering.

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Marriage and love don’t always cuddle up to each other

If you want to read about love and marriage, you’ve got to buy two separate books. Alan King
I have great hopes that we shall love each other all our lives as much as if we had never married at all. Lord Byron
Marriage is a romance in which the hero dies in the first chapter.
Love is blind, but marriage restores its sight. George Lichtenberg
Love may be blind, but marriage is a real eye opener.
Love: A temporary insanity curable by marriage. Ambrose Bierce
What we love about love is the fever, which marriage puts to bed and cures. Mignon McLaughlin
They say love is blind…and marriage is an institution. Well, I’m not ready for an institution for the blind just yet. Mae West

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Marriage and sex aren’t always on talking terms either

A man marries to have a home, but also because he doesn’t want to be bothered with sex and all that sort of thing. Somerset Maugham
Getting married for sex is like buying a 747 for the free peanuts. Jeff Foxworthy
God created sex. Priests created marriage. Voltaire
I know nothing about sex because I was always married. Zsa Zsa Gabor
I spent a couple of hours defrosting the fridge last night, or as she likes to call it, “foreplay.”
Sex drive—a physical craving that begins in adolescence and ends at marriage. Robert Byrne
Marriage changes passion. Suddenly you’re in bed with a relative.
Marriage is the price men pay for sex, sex is the price women pay for marriage.
My mother once told me that if a married couple puts a penny in a pot for every time they make love in the first year, and takes a penny out every time after that, they’ll never get all the pennies out of the pot. Armistead Maupin
Playboy is coming out with a new magazine for married men – every month the centerfold is the same woman.
Sex in marriage is like medicine. Three times a day for the first week. Then once a day for another week. Then once every three or four days till the condition clears up. Peter De Vries
The big difference between sex for money and sex for free is that sex for money usually costs a lot less. Brendan Behan
The other night I said to my wife Ruth, ‘Do you feel that the sex and excitement has gone out of our marriage?’ Ruth said, ‘I’ll discuss it with you during the next commercial.’
What do I know about sex? I’m a married man.

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Marriage isn’t necessarily a path to bliss

My wife and I were happy for 20 years… then we met. Rodney Dangerfield
A man doesn’t know what happiness is until he’s married. By then it’s too late.
The only really happy people are married women and single men.
The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret. Henny Youngman
Marriage: A word which should be pronounced “mirage”. Herbert Spencer
I never knew what real happiness was until I got married. And by then it was too late. Max Kauffmann

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In fact, marriage can be a reality cheque

A journey is like marriage. The certain way to be wrong is to think you control it. John Steinbeck
Marriage is a book of which the first chapter is written in poetry and the remaining chapters in prose. Beverly Nichols
Marriage has no guarantees. If that’s what you’re looking for, go live with a car battery. Erma Bombeck
Marriage is not just spiritual communion; it is also remembering to take out the trash. Joyce Brothers

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Marriage can feel like a sentence

Marriage, n. A community consisting of a master, a mistress, and two slaves, making in all two. Ambrose Bierce
Marriage: sometime soulmates, sometimes cellmates. Rory Elder
The longest sentence you can form with two words is: I do. H. L. Mencken
Wedding rings: the world’s smallest handcuffs.

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Marriage can be armed conflict

Marriage is an alliance entered into by a man who can’t sleep with the window shut, and a woman who can’t sleep with the window open. George Bernard Shaw
Marriage is an adventure, like going to war. G. K. Chesterton
Marriage is the only war in which you sleep with the enemy. Duc de La Rochefoucauld François
The concept of two people living together for 25 years without a serious dispute suggests a lack of spirit only to be admired in sheep. A. P. Herbert
The Wedding March always reminds me of the music played when soldiers go into battle. Heinrich Heine
In the early years, you fight because you don’t understand each other. In the later years, you fight because you do. Joan Didion
Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight. Phyllis Diller
Marriage: Natures way of keeping people from fighting with strangers.
When you see a married couple walking down the street, the one that’s a few steps ahead is the one that’s mad. Helen Rowland
If it weren’t for marriage, men and women would have to fight with total strangers. Dave Barry
Now, it’s true I married my wife for her looks… but not the ones she’s been givin’ me lately. Jeff Foxworthy

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Husbands don’t always talk well of their wives

I haven’t spoken to my wife in years. I didn’t want to interrupt her. Rodney Dangerfield
I married Miss Right. I just didn’t know her first name was Always.
My wife has a slight impediment in her speech. Every now and then she stops to breathe. Jimmy Durante
She suffers in silence louder than anyone I know.
Sometimes I wake up grumpy; other times I let her sleep.
My wife has only two complaints – nothing to wear and not enough closet space.
My wife is immature. Whenever I take a bath, she sinks my boats.
My wife keeps complaining I never listen to her (or something like that).

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Wives don’t always talk well of their husbands

I don’t know if my husband dreams in color, but he snores in Dolby. Melanie White
My husband and I divorced over religious differences. He thought he was God, and I didn’t.
Some mornings I wake up grouchy. And some mornings I just let him sleep.

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Pity the poor husband

A man is incomplete until he is married. After that, he is finished. Zsa Zsa Gabor
A husband is what is left of the lover after the nerve is extracted. Helen Rowland
A man may be a fool and not know it, but not if he is married. H. L. Mencken
All men make mistakes, but married men find out about them sooner. Red Skelton
A psychiatrist asks a lot of expensive questions your wife asks for nothing. Joey Adams
Any married man should forget his mistakes – no use two people remembering the same thing. Duane Dewel
Anybody who claims that marriage is a 50-50 proposition doesn’t know the first thing about women or fractions.
Do you know what it means to come home at night to a woman who’ll give you a little love, a little affection, a little tenderness? It means you’re in the wrong house, that’s what it means. Henny Youngman
I think men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage. They’ve experienced pain and bought jewelry. Rita Rudner
Marriage is a process by which a man finds out what sort of husband his wife thinks she should have had.
Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right and the other is the husband!
Men have a much better time of it than women. For one thing, they marry later; for another thing, they die earlier. H. L. Mencken
My wife has a terrible memory. She doesn’t forget anything.
Now, it’s true I married my wife for her looks . . . but not the ones she’s been givin’ me lately. Jeff Foxworthy
Pedestrian : A fellow who ignores his wife when she says they need two cars.
She came to me on hands and knees. What did she say? Come out from under that bed, you coward.
The majority of husbands remind me of an orangutan trying to play the violin. Honore de Balzac
When you meet the right woman she will sink into your arms, then your arms in her sink. P. Hopper
When some things go wrong at home, I always give my wife a good listening to.

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Pity the poor wife

Before marriage, a girl has to make love to a man to hold him. After marriage, she has to hold him to make love to him. Marilyn Monroe
Before marriage, a man declares that he would lay down his life to serve you; after marriage, he won’t even lay down his newspaper to talk to you. Helen Rowland
Bride: A woman with a fine prospect of happiness behind her. Ambrose Bierce
I came from a big family. As a matter of fact, I never got to sleep alone until I was married. Lewis Grizzard
If you want to sacrifice the admiration of many men for the criticism of one, go ahead… get married. Katharine Hepburn
When a girl marries she exchanges the attention of many men for the inattention of one. Helen Rowland
Marriage is a bribe to make the housekeeper think she’s a householder. Thornton Wilder

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Before you get married, give it some thought

Many a man in love with a dimple makes the mistake of marrying the whole girl. Stephen Leacock
Whenever you want to marry someone, go have lunch with his ex-wife. Shelley Winters
Whenever you can afford to get married, buy yourself a sports car.

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Here’s what to look for in a partner

An archaeologist is the best husband a woman can have: the older she gets, the more interested he is in her. Agatha Christie
I require only three things of a man. He must be handsome, ruthless and stupid. Dorothy Parker
Whatever you may look like, marry a man your own age – as your beauty fades, so will his eyesight. Phyllis Diller
I’d marry again if I found a man who had fifteen million dollars, would sign over half to me, and guarantee that he’d be dead within a year. Bette Davis
Only choose in marriage a man whom you would choose as a friend if he were a woman. Joseph Joubert
Lust fades, so you’d better be with someone who can stand you.

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Here’s advice for a good marriage

The secret to a good marriage, as far as I am concerned, is a joke I make: Keep the fights clean and the sex dirty.
Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing… she goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays. Henry Youngman
For marriage to be a success, every woman and every man should have her and his own bathroom. The end. Catherine Zeta- Jones
Husbands are like fires. They go out when unattended. Zsa Zsa Gabor
I have learned that only two things are necessary to keep one’s wife happy. First, let her think she’s having her own way. And second, let her have it. President Lyndon B. Johnson
Keep your eyes wide open before marriage, half shut afterwards. Benjamin Franklin
The four most important words in any marriage…”I’ll do the dishes.”
To keep your marriage brimming, With love in the loving cup, Whenever you’re wrong admit it; Whenever you’re right shut up. Ogden Nash
You have two options in a marriage. You can either be happy or you can be right.
Honesty is the key to a relationship. If you can fake that, you’re in.
Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight. Phyllis Diller
If a woman is upset, hold her and tell her how beautiful she is. If she starts to growl, retreat to a safe distance and throw chocolate at her.

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Husbands, accept your wife will be in charge

A husband controls his wife like a barometer controls the weather.
Let us now set forth one of the fundamental truths about marriage: the wife is in charge. Bill Cosby
My husband chased me until I caught him. Pia Zadora

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Husbands, accept your wife will spend money

A little boy asked his father, “Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?” Father replied, “I don’t know son, I’m still paying.
A husband’s last words should always be, “OK buy it.”
Extravagance: Anything that you buy that is of no use to your spouse.
Before we got married, I caught her in my arms. Now I catch her in my pockets.
New marriage vow: for better or worse, for richer or poorer, until debt do us part.
Someone stole all my credit cards, but I won’t be reporting it. The thief spends less than my wife did.
There’s a way of transferring funds that is even faster than electronic banking. It’s called marriage. James Holt McGavran
We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops. Henny Youngman

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Husbands, accept you’ll rarely win an argument and when you do, beware!

Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight. Phyllis Diller
The first thing you should do after winning an argument with your wife is aplogise.
A good wife always forgives her husband when she’s wrong. Milton Berle
Every woman is wrong until she cries, and then she is right, instantly. Thomas C. Haliburton
There are two theories to arguing with a woman. Neither works. Will Rogers
The way to fight a woman is with your hat. Grab it and run. John Barrymore
Rule one: in any dispute between mates, the male is always to blame, even when he is clearly blameless. Rule two, whenever in doubt, refer to rule one.
Arguments out of a pretty mouth are unanswerable.
No sensible man ever engages, unprepared, in a fencing match of words with a woman. Wilkie Collins

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Husbands, don’t forget those important dates

The best way to remember your wife’s birthday is to forget it once. V. Prochnow
Any man who forgets his wedding anniversary just wasn’t listening. Wesley S. Izzard
Memory is what tells a man his wedding anniversary was yesterday. Franklin P. Jones
Husband: “Why of course I know it’s our anniversary–I just wanted you to mention it first to prove that YOU remembered.” Ace Pursuiter

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Wives, accept you won’t change your husband

Why does a woman work ten years to change a man’s habits and then complain that he’s not the man she married? Barbra Streisand
Women hope men will change after marriage but they don’t; men hope women won’t change but they do. Bettina Arndt
Women marry men hoping they will change. Men marry women hoping they will not. Albert Einstein
It can be said that a bride’s attitude towards her betrothed can be summed up by three words associated with weddings: Aisle, altar, hymn.

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First the wedding

Every bride has to learn it’s not her wedding, but her mother’s.
What a wonderful wedding. The bride looked stunning and the groom looked stunned!
It has been said that many a bride’s attitude towards her betrothed can be summed up in three words: Altar. Hymn
A wedding is a public confession of a private intention.
Bride: A woman with a fine prospect of happiness behind her. Ambrose Bierce
What a wonderful wedding. The bride looked stunning and the groom looked stunned!
The most dangerous food is wedding cake. American Proverb

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Then the honeymoon …

The honeymoon is over when he phones that he’ll be late for supper – and she has already left a note that it’s in the refrigerator.
The honeymoon is over when the bridegroom stops helping with the dishes and does them himself.
When carrying your bride across the threshold, remember to do it sideways unless a concussion and two broken ankles turns you on.
One of the first things you learn on your honeymoon is, when you’re carrying your bride over the threshold, always go in sideways, unless of course two broken ankles and a concussion turn you on

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… which can end quite soon

The honeymoon is definitely over when she starts calling him “Listen” instead of “Honey. Herm Albright
The honeymoon is over when he gives up the pleasure of your company for the company of his pleasure. Bill Copeland
The honeymoon is over when she’d rather keep you waiting than keep you company. Bill Copeland
The honeymoon is over when the Mrs. stops dropping her eyes and starts pulling her rank.
The honeymoon is over when “I Do” changes to “No You Don’t!” Red O’Donnell
The honeymoon is over when love and kisses no longer rhyme with Mr. and Mrs. Jack Warwick
The honeymoon is over when your ideal becomes an ordeal. Wood Wind
The honeymoon is over when he finds it might be best to lie to her about a few things.
The honeymoon is over when the inlaws become outlaws.
The honeymoon is over when he stops to play with the dog before coming in the house.
The honeymoon is over when she refuses to help you with the dishes. Horatio Fuller
The honeymoon is over when he and she stop pitching woo and start throwing fits. Purser Hewitt
The honeymoon is over when the bride stops worrying about why he doesn’t make more love to her and beings worrying about why he doesn’t make more money. Helen Rowland
The honeymoon is over when the bride no longer sits in the kitchen talking with the groom while he does the dishes. G. Norman Collie
Positive proof that the honeymoon is over is when all the baby talk around the house is done by the baby.
The honeymoon’s over when you realize that everything she says or cooks disagrees with you.
The honeymoon is really over when he phones to say he’ll be late for dinner–and she’s already left a note saying his TV dinner is in the freezer. Jack Benny
The honeymoon is over when those bushels of kisses are reduced to small pecks.

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Then the wedding anniversaries, one after the other

Office grouch calls his 25th wedding anniversary the rest period between rounds.
Husband: “Why of course I know it’s our anniversary–I just wanted you to mention it first to prove that YOU remembered.” Ace Pursuiter
Golden anniversary: Fifty years united in holy deadlock. Ted Cook
A Golden Anniversary is when you wonder who those two people are in your wedding picture. Robert Orben
When a married pair celebrates their wedding anniversary, these days it is not so much to show what they have achieved as to show what they have SURVIVED. Helen Rowland
A most impressive evidence of tolerance is a golden wedding anniversary. Purser Hewitt
Memory is what tells a man his wedding anniversary was yesterday. Franklin P. Jones
A 20th wedding anniversary is difficult to celebrate. It’s too soon to brag and too late to complain.
Any man who forgets his wedding anniversary just wasn’t listening. Wesley S. Izzard
The best way to surprise your husband on your anniversary is to mention it.
There’s nothing like a 40th wedding anniversary to make a fellow wonder what’s going on. And on, and on and on. Harold Coffin
A man should get an annual physical checkup on his birthday, and have his head examined on his wedding anniversary.

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Adultery

About adultery: Don’t go looking for pancakes when you have flapjacks at home. Jarod Kintz
Adultery: Two wrong people doing the right thing.
Behind every successful man is a woman. Behind her is his wife. Groucho Marx
CNN found that Hillary Clinton is the most admired woman in America. Women admire her because she’s strong and successful. Men admire her because she allows her husband to cheat and get away with it. Jay Leno
Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery? Murray Banks
Do you think babies enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
Don’t expect your girl to play her role, when you have other girls auditioning for her part.
Earthquakes just happen. Tornadoes just happen. Your tongue does not just happen to fall into some other girls mouth! Gemma Halliday
Eighty percent of married men cheat in America. The rest cheat in Europe. James Holt Mcgavran
Fidelity is unadulterated boredom.
Fidelity : Unadulterated boredom. Playboy
Fish in another man’s pond and you will catch crabs. Habeeb Akande
He and I had an office so tiny that an inch smaller and it would have been adultery. Dorothy Parker
Here’s to our sweethearts and wives – may they never meet. Groucho Marx
Husbands are chiefly good lovers when they are betraying their wives. Marilyn Monroe
I always say, keep a diary, and some day it’ll keep you. Mae West
I discovered my wife in bed with another man, and I was crushed. So I said, ‘Get off me, you two!’ Emo Philips
I found love in the arms of another woman. Who needs two legs, a torso, or talking? Jarod Kintz
I have good looking kids. Thank goodness my wife cheats on me. Rodney Dangerfield
I told my wife the truth. I told her I was seeing a psychiatrist. Then she told me the truth: that she was seeing a psychiatrist, two plumbers, and a bartender. Rodney Dangerfield
I used to date the lead singer of The Cranberries, but she cheated on me. Turns out she had some turkey on the side. Jarod Kintz
I was thrown out of NYU for cheating-with the deans wife. Woody Allen
Infants have their infancy; adults, adultery. David P. Barash
Marriages are like diets–they can be ruined by having a little dish on the side. Croft M. Pentz
Men cheat for the same reason that dogs lick their balls… because they can. Kim Cattrall
My wife tells me she doesn’t care what I do when I’m away, as long as I’m not enjoying it.
Some people claim that marriage interferes with romance. There’s no doubt about it. Anytime you have a romance, your wife is bound to interfere. Groucho Marx
Someone told me the delightful story of the crusader who put a chastity belt on his wife and gave the key to his best friend for safekeeping, in case of his death. He had ridden only a few miles away when his friend, riding hard, caught up with him, saying ‘You gave me the wrong key! Anaïs Nin
The Love Bird is 100% faithful to his mate, as long as they are locked together in the same cage. Will Cuppy
To our sweethearts and wives – may they never meet.
What a kid I got, I told him about the birds and the bees and he told me about the butcher and my wife. Rodney Dangerfield
What’s the three words you never want to hear while making love? ‘Honey, I’m home!” Ken Hammond
Women react differently: a French woman who sees herself betrayed by her husband will kill his mistress; an Italian will kill her husband; a Spaniard will kill both; and a German will kill herself. Bernard Le Bovier Fontenelle
You can tell a lot about a person’s character by how they do life’s menial tasks. For example, I saw my neighbor washing dishes, and I could immediately tell that he was an adulterer by the way my wife’s naked body glistened through his kitchen window. Jarod Kintz
So heavy is the chain of wedlock that it needs two to carry it, and sometimes three. Alexandre Dumas
To our sweethearts and wives – may they never meet.

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Divorce

Alimony is like buying oats for a dead horse. Arthur Baer
Getting divorced just because you don’t love a man is almost as silly as getting married just because you do. Zsa Zsa Gabor
My husband and I have never considered divorce… murder sometimes, but never divorce. Joyce Brothers

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Mother in Laws

I haven’t spoken to my mother- in-law for eighteen months – I don’t like to interrupt her. Ken Dodd
I keep telling my wife that I like her mother-in-law more than I like mine.
The difference between in-laws and outlaws? Outlaws are wanted.
Mixed emotions: you see your Jaguar being driven off a cliff by your mother in law.
Give up all hope of peace so long as your mother-in-law is alive. Juvenal
Mother-in-law: a woman who destroys her son-in-law’s peace of mind by giving him a piece of hers.
Two mothers-in-law. Lord John Russell, on being asked what he would consider a proper punishment for bigamy

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Marriage and cooking

Dear, don’t expect the first meals to be good. It takes time to find the right
Its bad manners to talk with your mouth full, unless you’re praising your wife’s cooking.
My wife dresses to kill. She cooks the same way. Henny Youngman
There is one thing more exasperating than a wife who can cook and won’t, and that’s a wife who can’t cook and will. Robert Frost

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A good marriage

A good marriage is one where each partner secretly suspects they got the better deal.
A good marriage would be between a blind wife and a deaf husband. Samuel Taylor Coleridge

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Failed relationships

I had an amicable divorce. When I changed my relationship status to “divorced” on Facebook, my ex-wife was the first to click like.
Faithful husband (modern definition) : One whose alimony cheque arrives on time.
I should’ve known it wasn’t going to work out between my ex-wife and me. After all, I’m a Libra and she’s a bitch.
I feel so miserable without you, it’s almost like having you here. Stephen Bishop
Failed relationships can be described as so much wasted make-up. Marian Keyes

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Bachelors

I stay clear of women with bride ideas.
Advice for bachelors: Never chase a women you can’t outrun.
Men who don’t understand women fall into two groups – bachelors and husbands.
A bachelor is a man who never chases a woman he cant outrun.
A bachelor is a guy who never made the same mistake once. Phyllis Diller
Bachelors know more about women than married men; if they didn’t they’d be married too. L. Mencken
Why do married men gain weight while bachelors don’t? Bachelors go to the refrigerator, see nothing they want, then go to bed. Married guys go to the bed, see nothing they want, then go to the refrigerator.
A bachelor can only chase a girl until she catches him. Draper’s Law
A bachelor is a man who comes to work each morning from a different direction. Sholom Aleichem

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Final thoughts

Eventually, if you’re lucky in life, you find someone with the same chemical imbalance you have. Robert Brault
I want a 100% kind of relationship, and I’m willing to give it 50%. Jarod Kintz
One good turn gets most of the blanket.
We have a strange and wonderful relationship – he’s strange and I’m wonderful. Mike Ditka
In Hollywood a marriage is a success if it outlasts milk. Rita Rudner
More belongs to marriage than four legs in a bed. Rainer Maria Rilke
Get a new car for your spouse; it’ll be a great trade!
I’m trying to get a new car for my wife, but no one will swop.
It’s tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet she won’t drink from my glass. Rodney Dangerfield
I finally got married, and I have fun introducing my bride as “my first wife.” For some reason she doesn’t think that’s funny. David Roth
A wife is someone who can look in a drawer and find a pair of socks that aren’t there.
Before I met my husband, I’d never fallen in love. I’d stepped in it a few times. Rita Rudner
Oh darling, you gave me just what I needed to exchange for what I wanted.
We have a strange and wonderful relationship. He’s strange and I’m wonderful.
It’s better to have loved a short man than never to have loved a tall.
I was going to post you something hot and sexy for Christmas … but the postman told me to take the stamps off my ass and get the hell out of the postbox!
I have a tattoo of a mouse on my thigh. Oh dear, my pussies eaten it.
I got up feeling like a teenager. But I couldn’t find one.
My husband and I are either going to buy a dog or have a child. We can’t decide whether to ruin our carpet or ruin our lives. Rita Rudner
A dog is much like a married man, obeying his master’s voice for the sake of his master’s touch. Robert Brault
A dress that zips up the back will bring a husband and wife together. James H. Boren
A fellow ought to save a few of the long evenings he spends with his girl till after they’re married. Kin Hubbard
A first-rate marriage is like a first-rate hotel: expensive, but worth it. Mignon McLaughlin
A man should have two wives: one to love and one to sew on his buttons. Gabriel Garcia Marquez
A man without a wife is like a vase without flowers. African Proverb
A man’s wife has more power over him than the state has. Ralph Waldo Emerson
A woman ought to look up to her husband, if only a half-inch. Mignon McLaughlin
Basically my wife was immature. I’d be at home in the bath and she’d come in and sink my boats. Woody Allen
He was doubtless an understanding Fellow that said, there was no happy Marriage but betwixt a blind Wife and a deaf Husband. Michel de Montaigne
Home cooking: where many a man thinks his wife is.
Hubert Humphrey talks so fast that listening to him is like trying to read Playboy magazine with your wife turning the pages. Barry Goldwater
I’ve been married to one Marxist and one Fascist, and neither one would take the garbage out. Lee Grant
If marriage were outlawed, only outlaws would have in-laws.
If you haven’t seen your wife smile at a traffic cop, you haven’t seen her smile her prettiest. Kin Hubbard
It was Mrs. Campbell, for instance, who, on a celebrated occasion, threw her companion into a flurry by describing her recent marriage as “the deep, deep peace of the double-bed after the hurly-burly of the chaise-longue.” Alexander Woollcott,
Like good wine, marriage gets better with age — once you learn to keep a cork in it. Gene Perret
Marriage halves our griefs, doubles our joys, and quadruples our expenses. English Proverb
Marriage is a fine institution, but I’m not ready for an institution. Mae West
Marriage is a ghastly public confession of a strictly private intention. Ian Hay
Marriage is the alliance of two people, one of whom never remembers birthdays and the other never forgets them. Ogden Nash
Mistress: something between a mister and a mattress.
Most wives think of their husbands as bumbling braggarts with whom they happen to be in love. Jackie Gleason
My mother said it was simple to keep a man, you must be a maid in the living room, a cook in the kitchen and a whore in the bedroom. I said I’d hire the other two and take care of the bedroom bit. Jerry Hall
My wife says I never listen to her. At least I think that’s what she said.
Never feel remorse for what you have thought about your wife; she has thought much worse things about you. Jean Rostand
Never get married in the morning, because you never know who you’ll meet that night. Paul Hornung
One man’s folly is another man’s wife. Helen Rowland
One of the best things about marriage is that it gets young people to bed at a decent hour. M. Musselman
Our marriage has always been a 50-50 proposition — with the possible exception of closet space. Gene Perret
Politics doesn’t make strange bedfellows — marriage does. Groucho Marx
The reason they’re called the opposite sex is because every time you think you have your wife fooled — it’s just the opposite! Walter Winchell
Valentine’s Day is when a lot of married men are reminded what a poor shot Cupid really is.
We were happily married for eight months. Unfortunately, we were married for four and a half years. Nick Faldo
When women hold off from marrying men, we call it independence. When men hold off from marrying women, we call it fear of commitment. Warren Farrell
Women seem to be all right on bargains till it comes to picking out a husband. Kin Hubbard

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