Marriage (quotes)


The ideal of marriage


A happy marriage can bring wonderful rewards 

  • A good marriage is good for you. That isn’t just a platitude. Mounting research shows that it is the literal truth. When your marriage is healthy, your body and mind are healthier. Cliff Isaacson
  • Marriage has some thorns, but celibacy has no roses. Vernon McLellan
  • Happy marriage is the greatest wealth a man can possess, and one that a peasant can have as easily as a king. Douglas Carlton Abrams
  • It is a mistake to think that marriage is unique to the human species. While, of course, some of the specific accoutrements of human marriage–such as the wedding ceremony– is unique to humans, the institution of marriage itself– the predictable and regulated patterns of mating between a male and a female– is shared by many other species, particularly birds.  Alan S. Miller
  • Marriage can give one the deepest, happiest moments of life. And that’s one of the reasons God created it. It was part of God’s “Happiness Plan.” David Michael Thomas
  • One of the best wedding gifts God gave you was a full-length mirror called your spouse. Had there been a card attached, it would have said, “Here’s to helping you discover what you’re really like!” Gary and Betsy Ricucci
  • In that family where the husband is pleased with his wife, and the wife with her husband, happiness will assuredly be lasting. Brahma
  • People are meant to go through life two by two. ’Tain’t natural to be lonesome. Thornton Wilder
  • I wish you knew how I value you; and what an inexpressible blessing it is to have one whom one can always trust, one always the same, always ready to give comfort, sympathy and the best advice. God bless you, my dear, you are too good for me. Charles Darwin to Emma Darwin, 1859
  • The value of marriage is not that adults produce children, but that children produce adults. Peter De Vries
  • There is no more lovely, friendly and charming relationship, communion or company than a good marriage. Martin Luther
  • Happy is the man who finds a true friend, and far happier is he who finds that true friend in his wife. Franz Schubert
  • When a marriage works, nothing on earth can take its place. Helen Gahagan
  • HappinessLove

A happy and loving marriage represents the very ideal of human relationship 

  • Marriage is those two thousand indistinguishable conversations, chatted over two thousand indistuinguishable breakfasts, where intimacy turns like a slow wheel. How do you measure the worth of becoming that familiar to somebody—so utterly well known and so thoroughly ever-present that you become an almost invisible necessity, like air? Elizabeth Gilbert
  • There is nothing more admirable than when two people who see eye to eye keep house as man and wife, confounding their enemies and delighting their friends. Homer
  • A happy marriage perhaps represents the ideal of human relationship–a setting in which each partner, while acknowledging the need of the other, feels free to be what he or she by nature is; a relationship in which instinct as well as intellect can find expression; in which giving and taking are equal; in which each accepts the other, and I confronts Thou. Anthony Stork
  • Chains do not hold a marriage together. It is threads, hundreds of tiny threads which sew people together through the years. That is what makes a marriage last–more than passion or even sex. Simone Signoret
  • What greater thing is there for two human souls than to feel that they are joined for life–to strengthen each other in all labour, to rest on each other in all sorrow, to minister to each other in all pain, to be one with each other in silent unspeakable memories at the moment of the last parting? George Eliot
  • We only attain the true idea of marriage when we consider it as a spiritual union–a union of immortal affections, of undying faculties, of an imperishable destiny. H. Chapin
  • In a time when nothing is more certain than change, the commitment of two people to one another has become difficult and rare. Yet, by its scarcity, the beauty and value of this exchange have only been enhanced. Robert Sexton
  • You know what you are to me? … You are the most important thing in my life. You are my friend… my lover… my family… the one I trust, the one I fight with, the one I laugh with, the one I trust to enter my body the one I can fall back against with my eyes closed. You are simply part of me. That’s what I mean, Anthony, when I say I love you. Leslie Esdaile
  • Make my happiness–I will make yours. Charlotte Brontë
  • Love seems the swiftest, but it is the slowest of all growths. No man or woman really knows what perfect love is until they have been married a quarter of a century. Mark Twain
  • Maybe being married is talking to oneself with one’s other self listening. Ruth Rendell
  • Marriage is not a ritual or an end. It is a long, intricate, intimate dance together and nothing matters more than your own sense of balance and your choice of partner. Amy Bloom
  • The sexes were made for each other, and only in the wise and loving union of the two is the fullness of health and duty and happiness to be expected. William Hall
  • Come, let’s be a comfortable couple and take care of each other! How glad we shall be, that we have somebody we are fond of always, to talk to and sit with. Charles Dickens
  • In the opinion of the world, marriage ends all, as it does in a comedy. The truth is precisely the opposite: it begins all. Anne Sophie Swetchine
  • Love is a flower which turns into fruit at marriage. Finnish Proverb
  • Marriage: that I call the will of two to create the one who is more than those who created it. Friedrich Nietzsche
  • Marrying for love may be a bit risky, but it is so honest that God can’t help but smile on it. Josh Billings
  • That quiet mutual gaze of a trusting husband and wife is like the first moment of rest or refuge from a great weariness or a great danger. George Eliot
  • The highest happiness on earth is marriage. William Lyon Phelps
  • There is no substitute for the comfort supplied by the utterly taken-for granted relationship. Iris Murdoch
  • There is no such cozy combination as man and wife. Menander
  • What a happy and holy fashion it is that those who love one another should rest on the same pillow. Nathaniel Hawthorne
  • When the one man loves the one woman and the one woman loves the one man, the very angels desert heaven and come and sit in that house and sing for joy. The Brahma Sutras
  • When you realize you want to spend the rest of your life with somebody, you want the rest of your life to start as soon as possible. Nora Ephron, When Harry Met Sally
  • Principles for healthy relationships

The ideal of marriage is growing old together while being still in love 

  • When you have been with your partner for so many years, they become the glove compartment map that you’ve worn dog- eared and white-creased, the trail you recogonize so well you could draw it by heart and for this very reason keep it with you on journeys at all times. And yet, when you least expect it, one day you open your eyes and there is an unfamiliar turnoff, a vantage point that wasn’t there before, and you have to stop and wonder if maybe this landmark isn’t new at all, but rather something you have missed all along. Jodi Picoult
  • I want to try with someone who loves me enough to try with me. I want to grow old looking at the same face every morning. I want to grow old looking at the same face every night at the dinner table. I want to be one of those old couples you see still holding hands and laughing after fifty years of marriage. That’s what I want. I want to be someone’s forever. Rachel Gibson
  • Grow old with me, the best is yet to be. Robert Browning
  • Just as Amy and Jay had for decades slept nude together, inhaling each other’s odors, her hands familiar with the man’s body hair. Even her face creams and his night grunts would have entered into it. And shared cakes of soap and clothes closets and dinners — such a complex of intimacies. Saul Bellow
  • One advantage of marriage is that, when you fall out of love with him or he falls out of love with you, it keeps you together until you fall in again. Judith Viorst
  • People do not marry people, not real ones anyway; they marry what they think the person is; they marry illusions and images. The exciting adventure of marriage is finding out who the partner really is. James L. Framo
  • The bonds of matrimony are like any other bonds — they mature slowly. Peter De Vries
  • Getting older

Being realistic about marriage


For a marriage’s ideals to be realised, we must go into it with a realistic frame of mind… 

  • People who have found everything disappointing are surprised and pained when marriage proves no exception. Most of the complaints about … matrimony arise not because it is worse than the rest of life, but because it is not incomparably better. John Levy
  • Marriage is, in actual fact, just a way of living. Before marriage, we don’t expect life to be all sunshine and roses, but we seem to expect marriage to be that way. Leslie L. Parrott
  • The expectations you bring to your partnership can make or break your marriage. Don’t miss out on the sterling moments of marriage because your ideals are out of sync with your partner’s. Don’t believe the myth that you and your partner automatically come with the same expectations for marriage. Instead, remember that the more openly you discuss your differing expectations, the more likely you are to create a vision of marriage that you agree on– and that is unique to the two of you. Leslie L. Parrott
  • Nearly all marriages, even happy ones, are mistakes: in the sense that almost certainly (in a more perfect world, or even with a little more care in this very imperfect one) both partners might be found more suitable mates. But the real soul- mate is the one you are actually married to. R. R. Tolkien
  • Romance is a great “salt” to sprinkle on the hard work of sharing a life with another human being, but the main ingredient of a happy marriage can never be romance. Mark Gungor
  • Love is an ideal thing, marriage a real thing. Johann Wolfgang von Goethe
  • They dream in courtship, but in wedlock wake. Alexander Pope

… for marriage is not easy and it requires a great deal of hard work 

  • Unfortunately, a marriage license doesn’t come with a job description or a set of instructions. There is definitely “some assembly required.” In fact, putting together a modern-day marriage can be likened to assembling an airplane in flight. Patricia Love
  • Marriage is not something that can be accomplished all at once; it has to be constantly reaccomplished. A couple must never indulge in idle tranquility with the remark: “The game is won; let’s relax.” The game is never won. The chances of life are such that anything is possible. Remember what the dangers are for both sexes in middle age. A successful marriage is an edifice that must be rebuilt every day. Andre Maurois
  • Marriage must fight constantly against a monster which devours everything: routine. Honoré de Balzac
  • Marriage isn’t a love affair. It isn’t even a honeymoon. It’s a job. A long hard job, at which both partners have to work, harder than they’ve worked at anything in their lives before. If it’s a good marriage, it changes, it evolves, but it does on getting better. But a bad marriage can dissolve in a welter of resentment and acrimony.  And it’s never one person’s fault. It’s the sum total of a thousand little irritations, disagreements, idiotic details that in a sound alliance would simply be disregarded or forgotten in the healing act of making love. Divorce isn’t a cure, it’s a surgical operation, even if there are no children to consider.  Rosamunde Pilcher
  • The most difficult years of marriage are those following the wedding. Gary Smalley
  • The difficulty with marriage is that we fall in love with a personality but must live with a character. Peter De Vries
  • The problem with marriage is that it ends every night after making love, and it must be rebuilt every morning before breakfast. Gabriel Garcia Marquez
  • Love requires a willingness to die; marriage, a willingness to live. Mignon McLaughlin
  • Hard workEffort

The truth is that marriage can be a heaven or a hell 

  • Marriage is the comfort of the considerate and prudent; but the torment of the inconsiderate and self- willed. William Scott
  • Well-married, a man is winged–ill-matched, he is shackled. Henry Ward Beecher
  • Never marry who doesn’t love you, If you do it, your ordeal will turn into hell. Miguel Ángel Sáez Gutiérrez 
  • Marriage may be the closest thing to Heaven or Hell any of us will know on this earth. Edwin Louis Cole
  • One was never married, and that’s his hell; another is, and that’s his plague. Robert Burton
  • Some marriages are made in heaven, but they all have to be maintained on earth. Debbie Macomber
  • The marriage state, with or without the affection suitable to it, is the completest image of Heaven and Hell we are capable of receiving in this life. Richard Steele
  • HeavenHell

Marriage is an ebb and a flow with different seasons 

  • Marriages are always moving from one season to another. Sometimes we find ourselves in winter– discouraged, detached, and dissatisfied; other times we experience springtime, with its openness, hope, and anticipation. On still other occasions we bask in the warmth of summer–comfortable, relaxed, enjoying life. And then comes fall with its uncertainty, negligence, and apprehension. The cycle repeats itself many times throughout the life of a marriage, just as the seasons repeat themselves in nature. Gary D. Chapman
  • Life is filled with rhythms-day and night, hot and cold, summer and winter, spring and fall, cloudy and clear. Likewise in a relationship, men and women have their own rhythms and cycles. John Gray
  • The seasons,   Life is an ebb and flow

Here are some ingredients for a good marriage…


1.  Love and forgiveness 

  • In marriage, each partner is to be a forgiver rather than a collector of hurts. Norman Wright
  • In marriage, everyday you love, and everyday you forgive.It is an ongoing sacrament, love and forgiveness. Bill Moyers
  • Never forget the nine most important words of any family. I love you. You are beautiful. Please forgive me.  Jackson Brown Jr.
  • It was finally becoming clear to her that love wasn’t about finding someone perfect to marry. Love was about seeing through to the truth of a person and accepting all their shades of light and dark. Love was an ability. Lisa Kleypas
  • Love is more about being the right person than finding the right person. Barbara Bartlei
  • In a word, live together in the forgiveness of your sins, for without it no human fellowship, least of all a marriage, can survive. Don’t insist on your rights, don’t blame each other, don’t judge or condemn each other, don’t find fault with each other, but accept each other as you are, and forgive each other every day from the bottom of your hearts… Dietrich Bonhoeffer
  • There must be a stronger foundation than mere friendship or sexual attraction. Unconditional love, agape love, will not be swayed by time or circumstances. Stephen Kendrick
  • Who loves a lot, forgives a lot. Amado Nervo
  • A happy marriage is the union of two good forgivers. Ruth Bell Graham
  • A perfect marriage is one in which “I’m sorry” is said just often enough. Mignon McLaughlin
  • Marriage is three parts love and seven parts forgiveness of sins. Langdon Mitchell
  • Once a woman has forgiven her man, she must not reheat his sins for breakfast. Marlene Dietrich
  • LoveRomantic loveForgiveness

2.  Accepting each other as you are including mistakes, flaws and differences 

  • Marriage can be made to work if both the partners can see beyond themselves and understand the limitations, needs and abilities of the other person and are willing to embrace the positive and negative aspects of each other in their understanding. Chitralekha Paul
  • Were the husband as blind to the faults of the wife, as the lover to the faults of the maiden, few unhappy marriages would follow happy courtships. Ivan Panin
  • Patience gives your spouse permission to be human. It understands that everyone fails. When a mistake is made, it chooses to give them more time that they deserve to correct it. It gives you the ability to hold on during the rough times in your relationship rather than bailing out under the pressure. Stephen Kendrick
  • Maybe you expected marriage to be perfect – I guess that’s where you and I are different. See, I thought it would be all about making mistakes, but doing it with someone who’s there to remind you what you learned along the way. Jodi Picoult
  • And everyone is always saying that marriage is really hard and takes a lot of work. But the thing is, when you know that you love someone, those things don’t matter. You have to push all the everyday things and the outside world away, and just enjoy knowing that this is the man who has the chest your head is meant to lie on. Erin McCarthy
  • Keep your eyes wide open before marriage, half shut afterwards. Benjamin Franklin
  • Not only is love blind, it’s a little hard of hearing. Brian P. Cleary
  • A good marriage is good because one or both of them have learned to overlook the other’s faults, to love the other as they are and to not attempt to change them or bring them to repentance. Debi Pearl
  • A great marriage is not when the ‘perfect couple’ comes together. It is when an imperfect couple learns to enjoy their differences. Dave Meurer
  • It’s the things in common that make relationships enjoyable, but it’s the little differences that make them interesting. Todd Ruthman
  • Love is not blind – it sees more, not less. But because it sees more, it is willing to see less.  Julins Gordon
  • Acceptance

3.  Respect and caring 

  • Two people can only live as one when each is prepared to give and receive trust and understanding. Above that lies respect. Without respect for how the other feels, no marriage is worthwhile. Helen Hollick
  • Remember that children, marriages, and flower gardens reflect the kind of care they get. Jackson Brown Jr.
  • RespectCaring

4.  Giving and investing into the relationship 

  • The curse which lies upon marriage is that too often the individuals are joined in their weakness rather than in their strength, each asking from the other instead of finding pleasure in giving. Simone de Beauvoir
  • There is a connection between what you are putting into your marriage and what you are getting out of it. Mark Gungor
  • When you give each other everything, it becomes an even trade. Each wins all. Lois McMaster Bujold
  • Mutual caring relationships require kindness and patience, tolerance, optimism, joy in the other’s achievements, confidence in oneself, and the ability to give without undue thought of gain. Fred Rogers
  • Giving

5.  Affirmation and encouragement 

  • Express admiration, appreciation and affection. One of the key conclusions of two decades of research on marriage is that happy relationships are characterised by a ratio of positive to negative affect of five to one. This means that for every negative statement or behaviour, there are at least five positive ones.  Sonja Lyubomirsky
  • In marriage, each partner is to be an encourager rather than a critic; a forgiver rather than a collector of hurts; an enabler rather than a reformer. Norman Wright
  • Encouragement requires empathy and seeing the world from your spouse’s perspective. We must first learn what is important to our spouse. Only then can we give encouragement. With verbal encouragement, we are trying to communicate, “I know. I care. I am with you. How can I help?” We are trying to show that we believe in him and in his abilities. We are giving credit and praise. Gary Chapman
  • I believe that it is impossible for two individuals not committed to their own and each other’s well-being to sustain a healthy and enduring relationship. Bell Hooks
  • In the most flourishing relationships, partners evoke the best in each other, helping them to come closer in reaching their ideal selves. Sonja Lyubomirsky
  • AffirmationEncouragement

6.  Constant renewal 

  • A successful marriage requires falling in love many times, always with the same person. Germaine Greer
  • Each coming together of man and wife, even if they have been mated for many years, should be a fresh adventure; each winning should necessitate a fresh wooing. Marie Carmichael Stopes
  • To keep a lamp burning we have to keep putting oil in it. Mother Theresa
  • Love doesn’t just sit there, like a stone. It has to be made, like bread; re-made all the time, made new. Ursula LeGuin
  • A successful marriage is an edifice that must be rebuilt every day. Andre Maurois

7.  Regular biting of the tongue 

  • Often the difference between a successful marriage and a mediocre one consists of leaving about three or four things a day unsaid. Harlan Miller
  • You can measure the happiness of a marriage by the number of scars that each partner carries on their tongues, earned from years of biting back angry words. Elizabeth Gilbert
  • The husband who wants a happy marriage should learn to keep his mouth shut and his checkbook open. Groucho Marx
  • Married life teaches one invaluable lesson: to think of things far enough ahead not to say them. Jefferson Machamer

8.  Providing each other with breathing space 

  • A summer breeze can be very refreshing; but if we try to put it in a tin can so we can have it entirely to ourselves, the breeze will die. Our beloved is the same. He is like a breeze, a cloud, a flower. If you imprison him in a tin can, he will die. Yet many people do just that. They rob their loved one of his liberty, until he can no longer be himself. They live to satisfy themselves and use their loved one to help them fulfill that. That is not loving; it is destroying. Thich Nhat Hanh
  • My new found meaning of Marriage is a place where you can be yourself and has breathing space to grow personally and spiritually as and when I want without having to consult my partner about my changes. It is a beautiful place without suffocation, a place where you can learn and teach each other, a place where you do not feel prohibited and a place where you do not have to log in and log out. Jeanette de Jonk
  • Don’t smother each other. No one can grow in shade. Leo Buscaglia
  • It takes a loose rein to keep a marriage tight. John Stevenson
  • To keep the fire burning brightly there’s one easy rule: Keep the two logs together, near enough to keep each other warm and far enough apart — about a finger’s breadth — for breathing room. Good fire, good marriage, same rule. Marnie Reed Crowell

9.  Not rushing into it 

  • Those marriages generally abound most with love and constancy that are preceded by a long courtship. Joseph Addison
  • Marry’d in haste, we oft repent at leisure. Benjamin Franklin
  • Marriage is more than just finding a man that you like the looks of or that you don’t mind being touched by. Marriage is for a mighty long time and unless you figure it that way, there’s no sense in going into it to begin with. Marriage calls for a lot of thought. Cheyenne Bodie
  • Be careful whom you choose to love. This decision will impact your future life and happiness in ways you cannot yet imagine. Toni Coleman
  • HasteSlowing down

10.  Laughing together 

  • We cannot really love anybody with whom we never laugh. Agnes Repplier
  • Sexiness wears thin after a while and beauty fades, but to be married to a man who makes you laugh every day, ah, now that’s a real treat. Joanne Woodward
  • Laughter

11.  Participation, not possession 

  • It takes a lifetime to learn another person…When love is not possession, but participation, then it is part of that co- creation which is our human calling, and which implies such risk that it is often rejected. Madeleine L’Engle
  • Anyone who tries to imprison love will cut off the spring that feeds it, and the trapped water will grow stagnant and rank. Paulo Coelho
  • A woman is not property, and husbands who think otherwise are living in a dreamworld. Robert A. Heinlein

12. To make a union, there must be two strong and healthy individuals

  • I don’t want to be your other half. I believe that one and one make two. Alanis Morissette
  • In any relationship in which two people become one, the end result is two half people. Wayne Dyer
  • Marriage is like a well-built porch. If one of the two posts leans too much, the porch collapses. So each must be strong enough to stand on its own. Deb Caletti
  • Marriage, n. The state or condition of a community consisting of a master, a mistress and two slaves, making in all, two. Ambrose Bierce
  • When a man marries a woman, they become one–the trouble starts when they try to decide which one. Croft M. Pentz
  • No, there are three people in a marriage, there’s the woman, there’s the man, and there’s what I call the third person, the most important, the person who is composed of the man and woman together. Jose Saramago
  • A long marriage is two people trying to dance a duet and two solos at the same time. Anne Taylor Fleming
  • Marriage was not the combination of two entities into one; it was instead the creation of a third entity whose sole purpose was to sooth and inspire the two individuals. Christian Cantrell
  • To make one, there must be two. H. Auden
  • Most marriages don’t add two people together. They subtract one from the other. Ian Fleming
  • Every marriage tends to consist of an aristocrat and a peasant. Of a teacher and a learner. John Updike

13.  Yet more ingredients for a good marriage 

  • It is not lack of love, but a lack of friendship that makes unhappy marriages. Friedrich Nietzsche
  • But in marriage do thou be wise; prefer the Person before Money, Virtue before Beauty, the Mind before the Body: Then thou hast a Wife, a Friend, a Companion, a Second Self; one that bears an equal Share with thee in all thy toils and troubles. William Penn
  • The great secret of successful marriage is to treat all disasters as incidents and none of the incidents as disasters. Harold Nicholson
  • If there is such a thing as a good marriage, it is because it resembles friendship rather than love. Michel de Montaigne
  • I think of how each person in a marriage owes it to the other to find individual happiness, even in a shared life. That this is the only way to grow together, instead of apart. Emily Giffin
  • The essential matrimonial facts: that to be happy you have to find variety in repetition; that to go forward you have to come back to where you begin. Jeffrey Eugenides
  • Marriage is like a well-built porch. If one of the two posts leans too much, the porch collapses. So each must be strong enough to stand on its own. Deb Caletti
  • A journey is like marriage. The certain way to be wrong is to think you control it. John Steinbeck
  • One of the mot common problems in marriage occurs when she wants empathy and he’s trying to fix things. Tell your partner what kind of listening you want. Treat your mate as if he wants to make you happy but doesn’t know how. You love him, after all. You picked him. Help him out. Terrence Real
  • Possibilities for the success of a marriage are endless. But you have to be willing to search for them. Jason R. Redmond
  • Success in marriage does not come merely through finding the right mate but through being the right mate. Barnett R. Brickner
  • A good marriage is one which allows for change and growth in the individuals and in the way they express their love. Pearl S. Buck
  • Relationships are never static. They have to evolve over time as the individuals in them change. Sherryl Woods
  • A good marriage is where both people feel like they’re getting the better end of the deal. Anne Lamott
  • In the true married relationship, the independence of husband and wife will be equal, their dependence mutual, and their obligations reciprocal. Lucretia Mott
  • Every healthy marriage is composed of walls and windows. The windows are the aspects of your relationship that are open to the world—that is, the necessary gaps through which you interact with family and friends; the walls are the barriers of trust behind which you guard the most intimatesecrets of your marriage. Elizabeth Gilbert
  • Remember that a successful marriage depends on two things: (1) finding the right person and (2) being the right person. Jackson Brown Jr.
  • As a man, I’ve learned that there is nothing easier in married life than pleasing your wife with your cooking. Robert Brault
  • In every marriage more than a week old, there are grounds for divorce. The trick is to find, and continue to find, grounds for marriage. Robert Anderson
  • Men should keep their eyes wide open before marriage, and half-shut afterwards. Madeleine de Scudery
  • More marriages might survive if the partners realized that sometimes the better comes after the worse. Doug Larson
  • Most marriages can survive “better or worse.” The tester is all the years of “exactly the same.” Robert Brault
  • The way to hold a husband is to keep him a little jealous; the way to lose him is to keep him a little more jealous. L. Mencken
  • What counts in making a happy marriage is not so much how compatible you are, but how you deal with incompatibility. George Levinger
  • You can never be happily married to another until you get a divorce from yourself. Successful marriage demands a certain death to self. Jerry McCant
  • You have to treat your wife like you treated her when you first met her and were trying to get her in bed. Alice Cooper

Criticism can be very damaging in relationships 

  • A woman’s flattery may inflate a man’s head a little; but her criticism goes straight to his heart, and contracts it so that it can never again hold quite as much love for her. Helen Rowland
  • Never criticize your spouse’s faults; if it weren’t for them, your mate might have found someone better than you. Jay Trachman
  • People tend to criticize their spouses most loudly in the area where they themselves have the deepest emotional need. Gary Chapman
  • CriticismNegativity

Cynical thoughts on marriage


There are those who are deeply cynical about marriage… 

  • Marriage is a book of which the first chapter is written in poetry and the remaining chapters in prose. Beverly Nichols 
  • My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met. Rodney Dangerfield
  • “I am” is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language. Could it be that “I do” is the longest sentence? George Carlin
  • Bigamy is having one wife too many. Monogamy is the same. Oscar Wilde
  • …it seemed marriage by its very design was meant to seek out love and destroy it. Kelly O’Connor McNees
  • They dream in courtship, but in wedlock wake. Alexander Pope
  • Marriage is the only adventure open to the cowardly. Voltaire
  • Getting married is like permanently grafting your hand to the cookie jar. No matter how sweet those cookies may taste, you can’t help but wonder what would have happened if you’d chosen some other dessert– brownies, for instance … or frozen yogurt … or maybe chocolate strudel. Jerome P. Crabb
  • If variety is the spice of life, marriage is the big can of leftover Spam. Johnny Carson
  • Sometimes I wonder if men and women really suit each other. Perhaps they should live next door and just visit now and then. Katharine Hepburn
  • It starts when you sink in his arms and ends with your arms in his sink.
  • Do you know what it means to come home at night to a woman who’ll give you a little love, a little affection, a little tenderness? It means you’re in the wrong house, that’s what it means. Henny Youngman
  • Marriage does not unite two people; it entangles them. Abraham Miller
  • Marriage is a three-ring circus–engagement ring, wedding ring and suffering. David Minkoff
  • Marriage is the flimsiest weapon against desire. You may as well take a pop-gun to a python. Jeanette Winterson
  • As my old pappy always said, marriage is the only game of chance he knows of where both sides can lose. Bret Maverick
  • Marrying means to halve one’s rights and double one’s duties. Arthur Schopenhauer
  • Why should love require a contract? Why put yourself into the clutches of the state and give it power over you? Why invite lawyers to fuck around with your assets? Marriage is for the immature and the insecure and the ignorant. We who see through such institutions should be content to live together without legal coercion. Robert Silverberg
  • Marriage is a wonderful institution, but who would want to live in an institution? L. Mencken
  • Faithful husband (modern definition): one whose alimony cheque arrives on time. 
  • Marriage and its entourage of possession and jealousy enslave the spirit. Irvin D. Yalom
  • The big difference between sex for money and sex for free is that sex for money usually costs a lot less. Brendan Behan
  • Men have a much better time of it than women. For one thing, they marry later; for another thing, they die earlier. H. L. Mencken
  • Marriage happens as with cages: the birds without despair to get in, and those within despair of getting out. Michel de Montaigne
  • If you are afraid of loneliness, don’t marry. K. Chesterton
  • Marriage is a lottery, but you can’t tear up your ticket if you lose. Stephen Leacock
  • A good marriage would be between a blind wife and a deaf husband. Ogden Nash
  • Personally, I know nothing about sex, because I have always been married. Zsa Zsa Gabor
  • A wedding is just like a funeral except that you get to smell your own flowers. Grace Hansen
  • After a few years of marriage, a man can look right at a woman without seeing her — and a woman can see right through a man without looking at him. Helen Rowland
  • An object in possession seldom retains the same charm that it had in pursuit. Pliny the Younger
  • Courtship to marriage is as a very witty prologue to a very dull play. William Congreve, 1693
  • Getting married is a lot like getting into a tub of hot water. After you get used to it, it ain’t so hot. Minnie Pearl
  • God created sex. Priests created marriage. Voltaire
  • I am is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language. Could it be that “I do” is the longest sentence?
  • I figure that the degree of difficulty in combining two lives ranks somewhere between rerouting a hurricane and finding a parking place in downtown Manhattan. Claire Cloninger
  • I never knew what real happiness was until I got married. And by then it was too late. Max Kauffman
  • I never married because there was no need. I have three pets at home which answer the same purpose as a husband. I have a dog which growls every morning, a parrot which swears all afternoon, and a cat that comes home late at night. Marie Corelli
  • I’d marry again if I found a man who had fifteen million dollars and would sign over half of it to me before the marriage, and guarantee he’d be dead within the year. Bette Davis
  • I’ve sometimes thought of marrying, and then I’ve thought again. Noel Coward
  • If I ever marry, it will be on a sudden impulse — as a man shoots himself. L. Mencken
  • In olden times sacrifices were made at the altar, a custom which is still continued. Helen Rowland
  • In the early years, you fight because you don’t understand each other. In the later years, you fight because you do. Joan Didion
  • It destroys one’s nerves to be amiable every day to the same human being. Benjamin Disraeli
  • Marriage is a feast where the grace is sometimes better than the dinner. Charles Caleb Colton
  • Marriage is a great institution, but I’m not ready for an institution. Mae West
  • Marriage is a lottery in which men stake their liberty and women their happiness. Virginie des Rieux, Epigrams
  • Marriage is a meal where the soup is better than the dessert. Austin O’Malley
  • Marriage is a wonderful invention: then again, so is a bicycle repair kit. Billy Connolly
  • Marriage is good for those who are afraid to sleep alone at night. Jerome, Attack on Jovinian
  • Marriage is like a bank account. You put it in, you take it out, you lose interest. Irwin Corey
  • Marriage is like a phone call in the night: first the ring, and then you wake up. Evelyn Hendrickson
  • Marriage is like pleading guilty to an indefinite sentence. Without parole. John Mortimer
  • Marriage is not a word — it is a sentence.
  • Marriage, a market which has nothing free but the entrance. Michel de Montaigne
  • Marriage: A legal or religious ceremony by which two persons of the opposite sex solemnly agree to harass and spy on each other for ninety-nine years, or until death do them join. Elbert Hubbard
  • Marriage: A word which should be pronounced “mirage.” Herbert Spencer
  • Never get married in college; it’s hard to get a start if a prospective employer finds you’ve already made one mistake. Elbert Hubbard
  • Originally marriage meant the sale of a woman by one man to another; now most women sell themselves though they have no intention of delivering the goods listed in the bill of sale. Robert Graves
  • So heavy is the chain of wedlock that it needs two to carry it, and sometimes three. Alexandre Dumas
  • Some marriages break up, and some do not, and in our world you can usually explain the former better than the latter. Mignon McLaughlin
  • The most dangerous food is wedding cake. American Proverb
  • Though women are angels, yet wedlock’s the devil. Lord Byron
  • Three rings of marriage are the engagement ring, the wedding ring, and the suffering.
  • Wedlock is a padlock. John Ray, English Proverbs
  • Why get married? For human beings, marriage is such an unnatural state. If you want monogamy, it has been said, you should marry a swan. Quentin Crisp

… who believe that true love dies with marriage 

  • One should always be in love. That’s the reason one should never marry. Oscar Wilde
  • Love, n. A temporary insanity curable by marriage. Ambrose Bierce
  • Love is one long sweet dream, and marriage is the alarm clock. David Minkoff
  • The true love is unconditional. Marriage is a conditional bond.  Toba Beta
  • Love, the strongest and deepest element in all life, the harbinger of hope, of joy, of ecstasy; love, the defier of all laws, of all conventions; love, the freest, the most powerful molder of human destiny; how can such an all- compelling force be synonymous with that poor little State- and Church-begotten weed, marriage? Emma Goldman
  • When you hitch love up to marriage, it loses something. Lydia Darrow
  • I have great hopes that we shall love each other all our lives as much as if we had never married at all. Lord Byron
  • If you want to read about love and marriage, you’ve got to buy two separate books. Alan King
  • Love is blind, but marriage restores its sight. Samuel Lichtenberg
  • Love-matches are made by people who are content, for a month of honey, to condemn themselves to a life of vinegar. Countess of Blessington
  • Marriage changes passion — suddenly you’re in bed with a relative.
  • On rare occasions one does hear of a miraculous case of a married couple falling in love after marriage, but on close examination it will be found that it is a mere adjustment to the inevitable. Emma Goldman 
  • What we love about love is the fever, which marriage puts to bed and cures. Mignon McLaughlin
  • When two people are under the influence of the most violent, most insane, most delusive, and most transient of passions, they are required to swear that they will remain in that excited, abnormal, and exhausting condition continuously until death do them part. B. Shaw
  • Women hope men will change after marriage but they don’t; men hope women won’t change but they do. Bettina Arndt

There are those who don’t believe marriage is necessarily the best thing for a man… 

  • A man in love is incomplete until he has married. Then he’s finished. Zsa Zsa Gabor
  • A man may be a fool and not know it, but not if he is married. L. Mencken
  • I think men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage. They’ve experienced pain and bought jewelry. Rita Rudner
  • It has been said that many a bride’s attitude towards her betrothed can be summed up in three words:   Altar.  Hymn Frank Muir
  • The only really happy people are married women and single men. L. Mencken
  • Many a man in love with a dimple makes the mistake of marrying the whole girl. Stephen Leacock
  • Marriage is a process by which a man finds out what sort of husband his wife thinks she should have had.
  • Yawn: The only time when some married men ever get to open their mouth.
  • A man doesn’t know what happiness is until he’s married. By then it’s too late. Frank Sinatra
  • Marriage: A ceremony in which rings are put on the finger of the lady and through the nose of the gentleman. Gloria Steinem
  • The male is a domestic animal which, if treated with firmness, can be trained to do most things. Clifton Fadiman
  • Bachelors know more about women than married men; if they didn’t they’d be married too. L. Mencken
  • It is easier to be a lover than a husband for the simple reason that it is more difficult to be witty every day than to say pretty things from time to time. Balzac
  • It isn’t tying himself to one woman that a man dreads when he thinks of marrying; it’s separating himself from all the others. Helen Rowland
  • It’s a funny thing that when a man hasn’t anything on earth to worry about, he goes off and gets married. Robert Frost
  • Men never know how tired they are till their wives sit them down for a nice long talk. Mignon McLaughlin
  • Men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage — they’ve experienced pain and bought jewelry. Rita Rudner
  • Spouse: someone who’ll stand by you through all the trouble you wouldn’t have had if you’d stayed single.
  • Why do married men gain weight while bachelors don’t? Bachelors go to the refrigerator, see nothing they want, then go to bed. Married guys go to the bed, see nothing they want, then go to the refrigerator.

… and neither for a woman 

  • It should be a very happy marriage – they are both so much in love with him. Irene Thomas
  • When a girl marries, she exchanges the attentions of many men for the inattention of one. Helen Rowland
  • Getting married is like trading in the adoration of many for the sarcasm of one. Mae West
  • The trouble with some women is that they get all excited about nothing – and then marry him. Cher
  • If you want to sacrifice the admiration of many men for the criticism of one, go ahead, get married. Katharine Hepburn
  • Married women are far more depressed than married men — in unhappy marriages, three times more; and — interestingly — in happy marriages, five times more. In truth, it is men who are thriving in marriage, now as always, and who show symptoms of psychological and physical distress outside it. Not only their emotional well-being but their very lives, some studies say, depend on being married! Dalma Heyn
  • Any intelligent woman who reads the marriage contract, and then goes into it, deserves all the consequences. Isadora Duncan
  • Before marriage, a girl has to make love to a man to hold him. After marriage, she has to hold him to make love to him. Marilyn Monroe
  • Before marriage, a man declares that he would lay down his life to serve you; after marriage, he won’t even lay down his newspaper to talk to you. Helen Rowland
  • Bigamy is having one husband too many. Monogamy is the same.
  • Bride, n. A woman with a fine prospect behind her. Ambrose Bierce 
  • In the long run wives are to be paid in a peculiar coin — consideration for their feelings. As it usually turns out this is an enormous, unthinkable inflation few men will remit, or if they will, only with a sense of being overcharged. Elizabeth Hardwick
  • Many marriages are simply working partnerships between businessmen and housekeepers. Mignon McLaughlin
  • Marriage is a bribe to make the housekeeper think she’s a householder. Thornton Wilder
  • Marriage is nature’s way of ensuring that a woman picks up some mothering experience before she has her first child. Robert Brault
  • Matrimony is a process by which a grocer acquired an account the florist had. Francis Rodman
  • No man expects a great deal from marriage. He is quite satisfied if his wife is a good cook, a good valet, an attentive audience, and a patient nurse.
  • Someone once asked me why women don’t gamble as much as men do, and I gave the common-sensical reply that we don’t have as much money. That was a true but incomplete answer. In fact, women’s total instinct for gambling is satisfied by marriage. Gloria Steinem
  • The surest way to be alone is to get married. Gloria Steinem
  • The trouble with some women is that they get all excited about nothing — and then marry him. Cher
  • What’s for dinner? is the only question many husbands ask their wives, and the only one to which they care about the answer. Mignon McLaughlin
  • Wives are young men’s mistresses; companions for middle age; and old men’s nurses. Francis Bacon

Happily ever after


Thoughts on how to know he or she is the right one to marry 

  • Choose your life’s mate carefully. From this one decision will come 90 percent of all your happiness or misery. Jackson Brown, Jr.  
  • When you find somebody you love, all the way through, and she loves you—even with your weaknesses, your flaws, everything starts to click into place. And if you can talk to her, and she listens, if she makes you laugh, and makes you think, makes you want, makes you see who you really are, and who you are is better, just better with her, you’d be crazy not to want to spend the rest of your life with her. Nora Roberts
  • Sexiness wears thin after awhile and beauty fades, but to be married to a man who makes you laugh every day, ah, now that is a treat. Joanne Woodward
  • Find a woman who makes you feel more alive. She won’t make life perfect but she’ll make it infinitely more interesting. And then love her with all that’s in you. Gayle G. Roper
  • I know enough to know that no woman should ever marry a man who hated his mother. Martha Gellhorn
  • You shouldn’t marry anyone you have to try hard for. Rachael Ray
  • In the choice of a wife, we ought to make use of our ears, and not our eyes. Wellins Calcott
  • The problem is simply finding the right person. Ask Plato. Just make sure she finishes your thoughts and you finish hers. That’s all you need. Elizabeth Kostova
  • You know someone’s right for you when the things they don’t have to say are even more important than the things they do. Jodi Picoult
  • We cannot really love anybody with whom we never laugh. Agnes Repplier
  • Don’t marry the person you think you can live with; marry only the individual you think you can’t live without. James C. Dobson 
  • When marrying, ask yourself this question: Do you believe that you will be able to converse well with this person into your old age? Everything else in marriage is transitory. Friedrich Nietzsche
  • Only choose in marriage a man whom you would choose as a friend if he were a woman. Joseph Joubert
  • Don’t marry someone you would not be friends with if there was no sex between you. William Glasser
  • As a general guideline, never marry anyone that you can’t picture helping you go to the bathroom. Robert Brault

Thoughts on “living happily ever after” 

  • Every fairy tale, it seems, concludes with the bland phrase “happily ever after.” Yet every couple I have ever known would agree that nothing about marriage is forever happy. There are moments of bliss, to be sure, and lengthy spans of satisfied companionship. Yet these come at no small effort, and the girl who reads such fiction dreaming her troubles will end ere she departs the altar is well advised to seek at once a rational women to set her straight. Catherine Gilbert Murdock
  • All my life I thought that the story was over when the hero and heroine were safely engaged — after all, what’s good enough for Jane Austen ought to be good enough for anyone. But it’s a lie. The story is about to begin, and every day will be a new piece of the plot. Mary Ann Shaffer

Infidelity, arguing and divorce


Thoughts on infidelity 

  • Someone told me the delightful story of the crusader who put a chastity belt on his wife and gave the key to his best friend for safekeeping, in case of his death. He had ridden only a few miles away when his friend, riding hard, caught up with him, saying ‘You gave me the wrong key! Anaïs Nin
  • Some people claim that marriage interferes with romance. There’s no doubt about it. Anytime you have a romance, your wife is bound to interfere. Groucho Marx
  • Marriages are like diets–they can be ruined by having a little dish on the side. Croft M. Pentz
  • If love be not thy chiefest motive, thou wilt soon grow weary of a married state, and stray from thy promise, to search out thy pleasures in forbidden places. William Penn
  • When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her. Sacha Guitry
  • Where there is marriage without love, there will be love without marriage. French Saying
  • Eighty percent of married men cheat in America. The rest cheat in Europe. James Holt Mcgavran
  • Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery? Murray Banks
  • If people could enjoy staying together as much as they fantasize about having sex with someone outside of their relationship, then couples would keep from falling apart. Martin Dansky
  • I always say, keep a diary, and some day it’ll keep you. Mae West
  • Men cheat for the same reason that dogs lick their balls… because they can. Kim Cattrall
  • Adultery is the application of democracy to love. Henry Louis Mencken
  • Affairs are just as disillusioning as marriage, and much less restful. Mignon McLaughlin
  • My wife tells me she doesn’t care what I do when I’m away, as long as I’m not enjoying it. Lee Trevino
  • The concern that some women show at the absence of their husbands, does not arise from their not seeing them and being with them, but from their apprehension that their husbands are enjoying pleasures in which they do not participate, and which, from their being at a distance, they have not the power of interrupting. Michel de Montaigne
  • The husband who doesn’t tell his wife everything probably reasons that what she doesn’t know won’t hurt him. Leo J. Burke
  • To avoid mistakes and regrets, always consult your wife before engaging in a flirtation. W. Howe
  • Infidelity

Thoughts on fighting and arguing 

  • Every couple needs to argue now and then. Just to prove that the relationship is strong enough to survive. Long- term relationships, the ones that matter, are all about weathering the peaks and the valleys. Nicholas Sparks
  • He held up his index finger. “Rule one: in any dispute between mates, the male is always to blame, even when he is clearly blameless. Rule two”—his middle finger joined the first—”whenever in doubt, refer to rule one.” L. Wilson
  • The moment we decide to throw more energy into fighting for our mate than with him, the crack of a fist on the enemy’s jaw splits the ears of angels. Beth Moore
  • Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight. Phyllis Diller
  • Marriage is nature’s way of keeping people from fighting with strangers.
  • The first thing you should do after winning an argument with your wife is aplogise.
  • The secret to a good marriage, as far as I am concerned, is a joke I make: Keep the fights clean and the sex dirty. Michael J. Fox
  • To keep your marriage brimming, with love in the wedding cup, whenever you’re wrong, admit it; whenever you’re right, shut up. Ogden Nash
  • Marriage is like life in this – that it is a field of battle, and not a bed of roses. Robert Louis Stevenson
  • Marriage is the only war where one sleeps with the enemy. Mexican Proverb
  • Marriage is one long conversation, chequered by disputes. Robert Louis Stevenson
  • A good wife always forgives her husband when she’s wrong. Milton Berle
  • Married life had taught him the futility of arguing with a female in a dark-brown mood. Isaac Asimov
  • The ultimate test of a relationship is to disagree but to hold hands. Alexandra Penney
  • Every woman is wrong until she cries, and then she is right, instantly. Thomas C. Haliburton
  • Man forgives women anything save the wit to outwit him. Minna Antrim
  • If it weren’t for marriage, men and women would have to fight with total strangers. Dave Barry
  • There are two theories to arguing with a woman. Neither works. Will Rogers
  • I have to go. I have a finite amount of life left and I don’t want to spend it arguing with you. Jennifer Armintrout
  • When you and your wife have a disagreement, regardless of who’s wrong, apologize.Say, “I’m sorry I upset you. Would you forgive me?” These are healing, magical words. H. Jackson Brown, Jr.
  • In the early years, you fight because you don’t understand each other. In the later years, you fight because you do. Joan Didion
  • The concept of two people living together for 25 years without a serious dispute suggests a lack of spirit only to be admired in sheep. P. Herbert

Thoughts on divorce 

  • Getting divorced just because you don’t love a man is almost as silly as getting married just because you do. Zsa Zsa Gabor
  • The remedy for most marital stress is not in divorce. It is in repentance and forgiveness, in sincere expressions of charity and service. It is not in separation. It is in simple integrity that leads a man and a woman to square up their shoulders and meet their obligations. It is found in the Golden Rule, a time- honored principle that should first and foremost find expression in marriage. Gordon B. Hinckley
  • Your relationship may be “Breaking Up,” but you won’t be “Breaking Down.” If anything, your correcting a mistake that was hurting four people, you and the person your with, not to mention the two people who you were destined to meet. Ivan Young
  • Watching you walk out of my life does not make me bitter or cynical about love. But rather makes me realize that if I wanted so much to be with the wrong person how beautiful it will be when the right one comes along.
  • How you end something as profound and important as a marriage is a reflection of how you live your life– financially, emotionally, and spiritually. Suze Orman
  • I never even believed in divorce until after I got married. Diane Ford
  • Sometimes I think marriage licenses should be like driver’s licenses. They expire after a number of years, and in order to keep going you have to renew. Wouldn’t that be kind of genius? It would force you both to look at the relationship, and if it’s not working, the marriage would expire so you could go on your merry way, or on the positive side of it, you could look at each other and say we really want to renew. What a way to keep it fresh!! Jenny McCarthy
  • Marriages don’t last. When I meet a guy, the first question I ask myself is: “Is this the man I want my children to spend their weekends with?” Rita Rudner
  • One hundred percent of divorces start with a marriage. Mark Gungor
  • There is a rhythm to the ending of a marriage just like the rhythm of a courtship–only backward. You try to start again but get into blaming over and over. Finally, you are both worn out, exhausted, hopeless. Then lawyers are called in to pick clean the corpses. The death has occurred much earlier. Erica Jong
  • More marriages might survive if the partners realized that sometimes the better comes after the worse. Doug Larson
  • Women leave their marriages when they can’t take any more. Men leave when they find someone new. Courtney Sullivan
  • They ought to do away with divorce settlements. Instead, both parties should flip a coin. The winner gets to stay where he or she is and keep everything. The loser goes to Paraguay. That´s it. Suzanne Finnamore
  • If you made a list of reasons why any couple got married, and another list of the reasons for their divorce, you’d have a hell of a lot of overlapping. Mignon McLaughlin
  • Litigation takes the place of sex at middle age. Gore Vidal
  • When two people decide to get a divorce, it isn’t a sign that they “don’t understand” one another, but a sign that they have, at last, begun to. Helen Rowland
  • Divorce: The past tense of marriage.
  • Being divorced is like being hit by a Mack truck. If you live through it, you start looking very carefully to the right and to the left. Jean Kerr
  • It’s a nasty divorce when they can’t agree on how to divvy up the His and Hers towels. Robert Brault
  • Love is grand; divorce a hundred grand.
  • Marriage isn’t all that it’s cracked up to be. Let me tell you, honestly. Marriage is probably the chief cause of divorce. Larry Gelbart 
  • My husband and I divorced over religious differences. He thought he was God, and I didn’t.
  • People make mistakes, — that’s why God invented divorce. Rina Mimoun
  • She cried, and the judge wiped her tears with my checkbook. Tommy Manville
  • Divorce

Final thoughts


Thoughts on trying to change each other 

  • Why does a woman work ten years to change a man, then complain he’s not the man she married? Barbra Streisand
  • Men marry women with the hope they will never change. Women marry men with the hope they will change. Invariably they are both disappointed. Albert Einstein
  • The only time a woman really succeeds in changing a man is when he’s a baby. Natalie Wood
  • A woman may be able to change the world, but she will never be able to change a man. Amy Snowden
  • A woman in love will do almost anything for a man, except give up the desire to improve him. Nathaniel Branden

Thoughts on who is in charge 

  • The man may be the head of the household. But the woman is the neck, and she can turn the head whichever way she pleases. Nia Vardalos
  • Man is the head of the family, woman the neck that turns the head. Chinese Proverb
  • My wife and I have a simple relationship. I rule the roost; she rules the rooster.
  • Let us now set forth one of the fundamental truths about marriage: the wife is in charge. Bill Cosby
  • Man has his will – but woman has her way. O.W.Holmes
  • In my house I’m the boss, my wife is just the decision maker. Woody Allen

Thoughts on remarriage 

  • Marriage is like the army–many complain, but you’d be surprised how many reenlist. Vernon K. McLellan
  • Remarriage is the triumph of hope over experience. Samuel Johnson
  • By taking a second wife he pays the highest compliment to the first, by showing that she made him so happy as a married man, that he wishes to be so a second time. Samuel Johnson
  • A bride at her second marriage does not wear a veil. She wants to see what she is getting. Helen Rowland

Tongue in cheek (but sometimes apt) advice on marriage 

  • I have learned only two things are necessary to keep one’s wife happy. First, let her think she is having her own way. Second, let her have it. Lord Snowdon
  • Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week.  A little candlelight dinner, soft music and dancing.  She goes Tuesday, I go Fridays.  Henry Youngman
  • We sleep in separate rooms, we have dinner apart, we take separate vacations – we’re doing everything we can to keep our marriage together. Rodney Dangerfield
  • The critical period of matrimony is breakfast time. A.P. Herbert
  • My wife and I tried to breakfast together, but we had to stop or our marriage would have been wrecked. Winston Churchill
  • Often the difference between a successful marriage and a mediocre one consists of leaving about three or four things a day unsaid. Harlan Miller
  • For marriage to be a success, every woman and every man should have her and his own bathroom. The end. Catherine Zeta- Jones   
  • There’s only one way to have a happy marriage and as soon as I learn what it is I’ll get married again. Clint Eastwood  
  • The key to a successful marriage is accepting that you’re not going to change the other person. And the words “Yes, dear. Whatever you want.” Patrick Dempsey

You know the honeymoon is over when… 

  • The honeymoon is over when he phones that he’ll be late for supper – and she has already left a note that it’s in the refrigerator. Bill Lawrence
  • The honeymoon is over when the bridegroom stops helping with the dishes and does them himself. R.Wagner
  • Marriage is a book of which the first chapter is written in poetry and the remaining chapters in prose. Beverly Nichols
  • The other night I said to my wife Ruth, ‘Do you feel that the sex and excitement has gone out of our marriage?’ Ruth said, ‘I’ll discuss it with you during the next commercial.’  Milton Berle

More deep thoughts on marriage 

  • If you get bored with the person you married for love, there’s something wrong with you – not with that person. Shahrukh Khan
  • Marriage has no guarantees. If that’s what you’re looking for, go live with a car battery. Erma Bombeck
  • It may be that same-sex couples will save the institution of marriage. Elizabeth Gilbert
  • No marriage stays in the same pattern forever. It is both the best feature of marriage and the worst, that it inevitably changes. Lisa Kleypas
  • Marriage without struggle is like an unfired clay pot. It is easily made, but it will not stand the test of time.  Allan Wolf
  • It isn’t tying himself to one woman that a man dreads when he thinks of marrying; it’s separating himself from all the others. Helen Rowland  
  • Marriage is a gamble, let’s be honest. Yoko Ono
  • Marriage is a mistake every man should make. George Jessel
  • Husbands are like fires. They go out if unattended. Sacha Guitry
  • If you want to know about a man you can find out an awful lot by looking at who he married. Kirk Douglas
  • If you want to have a happy marriage, be the kind of person who generates positive energy and sidesteps negative energy rather than empowering it. Stephen Covey
  • The key to long-term relationships is letting someone be different today than they were yesterday. I think one of the main reasons for divorce is that couples don’t always create the emotional space between them to allow for constant and continuous change.  When people say, “We grew apart,” it’s often a sign that when they entered the marriage, their emotional contract didn’t include this clause:  “I’ll let you grow.  You’ll let me grow.  We’ll learn from each other, and we can grow together.  Marianne Williamson
  • I think of how each person in a marriage owes it to the other to find individual happiness, even in a shared life. That this is the only way to grow together, instead of apart. Emily Giffin
  • People always fall in love with the most perfect aspects of each other’s personalities. Who wouldn’t? Anybody can love the most wonderful parts of another person. But that’s not the clever trick. The really clever trick is this: Can you accept the flaws? Can you look at your partner’s faults honestly and say, ‘I can work around that. I can make something out of it.’? Because the good stuff is always going to be there, and it’s always going to pretty and sparkly, but the crap underneath can ruin you. Elizabeth Gilbert
  • Real, sane, mature love—the kind that pays the mortgage year after year and picks up the kids after school—is not based on infatuation but on affection and respect. Elizabeth Gilbert
  • Marriage becomes hard work once you have poured the entirety of your life’s expectations for happiness into the hands of one mere person. Keeping that going is hard work. Elizabeth Gilbert
  • You don’t need to be on the same wavelength to succeed in marriage. You just need to be able to ride each other’s waves. Toni Sciarra Poynter
  • Chains do not hold a marriage together. It is threads, hundreds of tiny threads which sew people together through the years. Simone Signoret
  • A happy marriage is a long conversation which always seems too short. Andre Maurois
  • What counts in creating a pleased marriage is not so considerably how compatible you are, but how you deal with incompatibility. George Levinger
  • A successful marriage requires falling in love many times, always with the same person. Mignon McLaughlin
  • A wedding anniversary is the celebration of love, trust, partnership, tolerance and tenacity. The order varies for any given year. Paul Sweeney
  • Almost no one is foolish enough to imagine that he automatically deserves great success in any field of activity; yet almost everyone believes that he automatically deserves success in marriage. Sydney J. Harris
  • Only choose in marriage a man whom you would choose as a friend if he were a woman. Joseph Joubert
  • The bonds of matrimony are like any other bonds – they mature slowly. Peter De Vries
  • The concept of two people living together for 25 years without a serious dispute suggests a lack of spirit only to be admired in sheep. A. P. Herbert
  • The difficulty with marriage is that we fall in love with a personality but must live with a character. Peter De Vries
  • A great poet has seldom sung of lawfully wedded happiness, but of free and secret love; and in this respect, too the time is coming when there will no longer be one standard of morality for poetry and another for life. To anyone tender of conscience, the ties formed by a free connection are stronger than the legal ones. Ellen Key, quoted by Sprading in Liberty and the Great Libertarians
  • A love that lasts for twenty years may be better than love, but it isn’t love. Mignon McLaughlin
  • A single man has not nearly the value he would have in a state of union. He is an incomplete animal. He resembles the odd half of a pair of scissors. Benjamin Franklin
  • After the chills and fever of love, how nice is the 98.6º of marriage! Mignon McLaughlin
  • And when will there be an end of marrying? I suppose, when there is an end of living! Tertullian
  • As to marriage or celibacy, let a man take which course he will, he will be sure to repent. Socrates
  • Between a man and his wife nothing ought to rule but love. William Penn
  • Is not marriage an open question, when it is alleged, from the beginning of the world, that such as are in the institution wish to get out, and such as are out wish to get in? Ralph Waldo Emerson,
  • It is easy to mistake being ready for a wedding with being ready for marriage. Robert Brault
  • It is not marriage that fails; it is people that fail. All that marriage does is to show people up. Harry Emerson Fosdick
  • Like my vodka, my marriage is on the rocks. Craig D. Slovak
  • Marriage ceremony: an incredible metaphysical sham of watching God and the law being dragged into the affairs of your family. C. Ogilvie
  • Marriage is more than four bare legs in a bed. Hoshang N. Akhtar
  • Never strike your wife — even with a flower. Hindu Proverb
  • One should never know too precisely whom one has married. Friedrich Nietzsche
  • One thing you learn in a long marriage is how many sneezes to wait before saying, “Bless you.” Robert Brault
  • Pity all newlyweds. She cooks something nice for him, and he brings her flowers, and they kiss and think: How easy marriage is. Mignon McLaughlin
  • Strange to say what delight we married people have to see these poor fools decoyed into our condition. Samuel Pepys
  • Strike an average between what a woman thinks of her husband a month before she marries him and what she thinks of him a year afterward, and you will have the truth about him. L. Mencken
  • The difficulty with marriage is that we fall in love with a personality but must live with a character. Peter Devries
  • The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret. Henny Youngman
  • The sum which two married people owe to one another defies calculation. It is an infinite debt, which can only be discharged through eternity. Johann Wolfgang von Goethe
  • Though marriage makes man and wife one flesh, it leaves ’em still two fools. William Congreve
  • Two things are owed to truthfulness — lasting marriages and short friendships. Robert Brault
  • Wasn’t marriage, like life, unstimulating and unprofitable and somewhat empty when too well ordered and protected and guarded. Wasn’t it finer, more splendid, more nourishing, when it was, like life itself, a mixture of the sordid and the magnificent; of mud and stars; of earth and flowers; of love and hate and laughter and tears and ugliness and beauty and hurt. Edna Ferber
  • We have the greatest pre-nuptial agreement in the world. It’s called love. Gene Perret
  • Woke up in bed with a gorgeous woman, who I’m going to have lunch and the rest of my life with. Jason Barmer

On a lighter note

  • My husband chased me until I caught him. Pia Zadora
  • To our sweethearts and wives – may they never meet. Lewis C. Henry
  • For marriage to be a success, every woman and every man should have her and his own bathroom. The end. Catherine Zeta-Jones
  • A wedding is a public confession of a private intention. Ian Hay
  • Wedlock is the deep, deep peace of the double bed after the hurly burly of the chaise lounge. Mrs Patrick Campbell
  • By all means marry; if you get a good wife, you’ll become happy; if you get a bad one, you’ll become a philosopher. Socrates
  • There is one thing more exasperating than a wife who can cook and won’t, and that’s a wife who can’t cook and will. Robert Frost
  • Marriage is a fine institution, but I’m not ready for an institution. Mae West
  • An archaeologist is the best husband a woman can have. The older she gets, the more interested he is in her. Agatha Christie
  • Whatever you may look like, marry a man your own age — as your beauty fades, so will his eyesight. Phyllis Diller
  • A bachelor is a guy who never made the same mistake once. Phyllis Diller
  • I love being married. It’s so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life. Rita Rudner
  • A man should have two wives: one to love and one to sew on his buttons. Gabriel Garcia Marquez
  • When women hold off from marrying men, we call it independence. When men hold off from marrying women, we call it fear of commitment. Warren Farrell
  • All men make mistakes, but married men find out about them sooner. Red Skelton 
  • Basically my wife was immature. I’d be at home in the bath and she’d come in and sink my boats. Woody Allen
  • All marriages are happy. It’s the living together afterward that causes all the trouble. Raymond Hull
  • Marriage teaches you loyalty, forbearance, self-restraint, meekness, and a great many other things you wouldn’t need if you had stayed single. Jimmy Townsend
  • Before I met my husband, I’d never fallen in love. I’d stepped in it a few times.  Rita Rudner
  • It’s tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet she won’t drink from my glass. Rodney Dangerfield
  • My mother once told me that if a married couple puts a penny in a pot for every time they make love in the first year, and takes a penny out every time after that, they’ll never get all the pennies out of the pot. Armistead Maupin, Tales of the City, 1978
  • A dog is much like a married man, obeying his master’s voice for the sake of his master’s touch. Robert Brault
  • A dress that zips up the back will bring a husband and wife together. James H. Boren
  • A first-rate marriage is like a first-rate hotel: expensive, but worth it. Mignon McLaughlin
  • A husband is what is left of the lover after the nerve has been extracted. Helen Rowland
  • A man marries to have a home, but also because he doesn’t want to be bothered with sex and all that sort of thing. Somerset Maugham
  • A man without a wife is like a vase without flowers. African Proverb
  • A man’s wife has more power over him than the state has. Ralph Waldo Emerson
  • A psychiatrist asks a lot of expensive questions your wife asks for nothing. Joey Adams
  • A woman ought to look up to her husband, if only a half-inch. Mignon McLaughlin
  • Any married man should forget his mistakes — no use two people remembering the same thing. Duane Dewel
  • For two people in a marriage to live together day after day is unquestionably the one miracle the Vatican has overlooked. Bill Cosby
  • Give up all hope of peace so long as your mother-in-law is alive. Juvenal, Satires
  • He was doubtless an understanding Fellow that said, there was no happy Marriage but betwixt a blind Wife and a deaf Husband. Michel de Montaigne
  • He’s the kind of man a woman would have to marry to get rid of. Mae West
  • Home cooking: where many a man thinks his wife is.
  • I came from a big family. As a matter of fact, I never got to sleep alone until I was married. Lewis Grizzard
  • I’ve been married to one Marxist and one Fascist, and neither one would take the garbage out. Lee Grant
  • If marriage were outlawed, only outlaws would have in-laws.
  • If you haven’t seen your wife smile at a traffic cop, you haven’t seen her smile her prettiest. Kin Hubbard
  • It was Mrs. Campbell, for instance, who, on a celebrated occasion, threw her companion into a flurry by describing her recent marriage as “the deep, deep peace of the double-bed after the hurly-burly of the chaise-longue.” Alexander Woollcott,
  • Like good wine, marriage gets better with age — once you learn to keep a cork in it. Gene Perret
  • Marriage halves our griefs, doubles our joys, and quadruples our expenses. English Proverb
  • Marriage is a ghastly public confession of a strictly private intention. Ian Hay
  • Marriage is the alliance of two people, one of whom never remembers birthdays and the other never forgets them. Ogden Nash
  • Mistress: something between a mister and a mattress.
  • Most wives think of their husbands as bumbling braggarts with whom they happen to be in love. Jackie Gleason
  • Mother-in-law: a woman who destroys her son-in-law’s peace of mind by giving him a piece of hers.
  • My mother said it was simple to keep a man, you must be a maid in the living room, a cook in the kitchen and a whore in the bedroom. I said I’d hire the other two and take care of the bedroom bit. Jerry Hall
  • My wife says I never listen to her. At least I think that’s what she said.
  • Never feel remorse for what you have thought about your wife; she has thought much worse things about you. Jean Rostand
  • Never get married in the morning, because you never know who you’ll meet that night. Paul Hornung
  • One man’s folly is another man’s wife. Helen Rowland
  • One of the best things about marriage is that it gets young people to bed at a decent hour. M. Musselman
  • Our marriage has always been a 50-50 proposition — with the possible exception of closet space. Gene Perret
  • Politics doesn’t make strange bedfellows — marriage does. Groucho Marx
  • The best way to remember your wife’s birthday is to forget it once. V. Prochnow
  • The majority of husbands remind me of an orangutan trying to play the violin. Honoré de Balzac
  • The reason they’re called the opposite sex is because every time you think you have your wife fooled — it’s just the opposite! Walter Winchell
  • Two mothers-in-law. Lord John Russell, on being asked what he would consider a proper punishment for bigamy
  • Valentine’s Day is when a lot of married men are reminded what a poor shot Cupid really is.
  • We were happily married for eight months. Unfortunately, we were married for four and a half years. Nick Faldo
  • Women seem to be all right on bargains till it comes to picking out a husband. Kin Hubbard
  • Marriage (funny quotes)