Steve Martin (quotes)

Quotes about life and comedy

  • Comedy is not pretty.
  • I am a wild and crazy guy!
  • Be so good they can’t ignore you.
  • It’s pain that changes our lives.
  • Be so good they can’t ignore you.
  • So, I can hurt now, or hurt later.
  • No art comes from the conscious mind.
  • Nothing I do is done by popular demand.
  • There are few takers for the quiet heart.
  • Love is a promise delivered already broken.
  • Comedy may be big business but it isn’t pretty.
  • Always make room for the unexpected in yourself.
  • Relationships end, but they don’t end your life.
  • A joke that works is complete knowledge in a nanosecond.
  • Thankfully, persistence is a great substitute for talent.
  • You can’t really conduct your life by one or two phrases.
  • When you’re reaching for a star, there’s a long way to fall.
  • Writing is extremely personal, and that’s the joy of it for me.
  • It was essential that I never show doubt about what I was doing.
  • If I screw up raising my kids, nothing I achieve will matter much.
  • I was seeking comic originality, and fame fell on me as a byproduct.
  • Introductions are hard to come by when your natural state is shyness
  • I’ve heard lots of people lie to themselves but they never fool anyone.
  • You want to be a bit compulsive in your art or craft or whatever you do.
  • The conscious mind is the editor, and the subconscious mind is the writer.
  • Chaos in the midst of chaos isn’t funny, but chaos in the midst of order is.
  • What is comedy? Comedy is the art of making people laugh without making them puke.
  • With comedy, you have no place to go but more comedy, so you’re never off the hook.
  • The presence of excessive wealth puts an unnatural spin on the appreciation of art.
  • The banjo is truly an American instrument, and it captures something about our past.
  • Lots of women are getting involved. They’re not satisfied just being passengers anymore.
  • Comedy makes you humble. Because there are so many opportunities to miss, and strike out.
  • Comedy is a distortion of what is happening, and there will always be something happening.
  • I have found that– just as in real life–imagination sometimes has to stand in for experience.
  • She tried to get even with him through psychological warfare but couldn’t, because he didn’t care.
  • My problem is that I don’t get the same exhiliration from success as I get depression from failure.
  • If you feel tired midway through, give Neil Patrick Harris a Red Bull and throw some sheet music at him.
  • I really enjoy finding the right word, creating a good, flowing sentence. I enjoy the rhythm of the words.
  • There’s no better way to learn something than to learn it in front of an audience. Your terror drives you.
  • I was very vulnerable to criticism for many years. I could read a bad review and remember it my whole life.
  • I believe entertainment can aspire to be art, and can become art, but if you set out to make art you’re an idiot.
  • Romance takes place when you first fall in love. It stirs all emotions and you can manipulate and be manipulated.
  • I was always very shy but as I get older I think, What am I being shy for? You just grow weary of your own hang-ups.
  • I was not naturally talented. I didn’t sing, dance or act, though working around that minor detail made me inventive.
  • College totally changed my life. It changed what I believe and what I think about everything. I majored in philosophy.
  • I just believe that the interesting time in a career is pre-success, what shaped things, how did you get to this point.
  • You cannot make your opportunities concur with the opportunities of people whose incomes are ten times greater than yours.
  • Awards mean nothing to comedians. What matters is the audience, how you’re doing – artistically, for the most part – at that moment.
  • I’m always looking for something to engage my imagination and take me on a little mental voyage. I just want a new topic in my life.
  • To me, torture would be, “I can’t think what to write in the next sentence. I’m stuck.” Torture would be if you didn’t have the next idea.
  • You know when you’re telling these little stories? Here’s a good idea: have a point. It makes it so much more interesting for the listener!
  • I don’t really manage my time. I really just wait until I’m inspired to do something. And when I’m inspired to do something, it just happens.
  • Acting is collaborative because you are working with another actor, and it’s almost like a two-man juggling team. You have to really be in sync.
  • Whether I’m involved in creating something or not, it’s a personal issue of do I respect it. But you can only know that five or ten years later.
  • The course was more plodding than heroic: I did not strive valiantly against doubters but took incremental steps studded with a few intuitive leaps.
  • You can’t make something beautiful by trying to make something beautiful. Something becomes beautiful in the process of trying to be something else.
  • You have to get comfortable [with your work], you really have to know what you’re doing, and it has to be almost boring to you to be able to do it well.
  • It’s funny that some ideas start with a little “What if?” and then suddenly you’re spending a million dollars to shoot the scene and hoping that it works.
  • Relationships end, but they don’t end your life. But people do often spending more time finding out about failed relationships than finding successful ones.
  • Always do business as if the person you’re doing business with is trying to screw you, because he probably is. And if he’s not, you can be pleasantly surprised.
  • You know, there’s a moment when you’re famous when it’s unbearable to go out because you’re too famous. And then there’s a moment when you’re famous just right.
  • …it is not the big events that hurt the most but rather the smallest questionable shift in tone at the end of a spoken word that can plow most deeply into the heart.
  • It [live performance] is just very difficult. Doing an hour, hour and a half of live standup is an endurance test. You almost have to do it every day to stay up on it.
  • What means the most to me changes through the years. There was a time when movies meant the most. But when I’m concentrating on a project, that’s what means the most to me.
  • Writing is something I took up rather than anything I had an inclination toward. I like acting -delivering someone else’s message – but writing is more of an accomplishment.
  • I don’t think comic timing is the same as music timing, but I definitely find that I’ve learned from just writing in general that songs can be narrative without having a story.
  • I cringe at backstory. Because it never quite explains or gets into some psychological thing that is never quite right and never quite the truth and who knows why someone is someway.
  • If you’re studying Geology, which is all facts, as soon as you get out of school you forget it all, but Philosophy you remember just enough to screw you up for the rest of your life.
  • The real joy is in constructing a sentence. But I see myself as an actor first because writing is what you do when you are ready and acting is what you do when someone else is ready.
  • Reviews for someone like me come in three packages. One is justifiable praise, the second is justifiable criticism, and the third is, “This is only published because he’s a celebrity.”
  • Home to me is when someone comes up to me and says, “Can I get a selfie?” No. It’s where your wife and your family are. It’s the emotional place where you feel like you’re not away from it.
  • I’m enamored with the art world. Anytime you look at anything that’s considered artistic, there’s a commercial world around it: the ballet, opera, any kind of music. It can’t exist without it.
  • Acting keeps me alert to people, and life. I don’t know, there’s something about going to work early in the morning, and having to stay alert and concentrated. Maybe that keeps your mind alive.
  • I try not to think about legacy because it is all folly. If you study history, even recent history, you’ll find many people who were quite significant in their time but are completely forgotten.
  • With comedy, you never know until you put it in front of an audience. You shoot it and a year later you have no idea if it’s going to work. And then you get the response. It’s great when it’s good.
  • I just wanted to be in show business. I didn’t care if I was going to be an actor or a magician or what. Comedy was a point of the least resistance, really. And on the simplest level, I loved comedy.
  • I understood that as much as I had resisted the outside, as much as I had constricted my life, as much as I had closed and narrowed the channels into me, there were still many takers for the quiet heart.
  • I just don’t identify myself with a place. I just don’t get it. Like, why am I cheering for this town? Towns are good and bad but they don’t have principles, constitutions. You wouldn’t go to war for your town.
  • I think films are about having a good time, so I don’t know that there’s a message. The message of a film is always what a critic writes, and the fun of a film or the emotion of a film is what the audience feels.
  • Acting has helped me understand people, not only because you are acting as a character, but also because you are watching other actors work. That really helps you identify in life when someone is acting, not being true.
  • A friend of mine once asked how to make it in show business and I said “Be so good that they can’t ignore you.” She thought I was being flip but it’s true. The challenge is trying to live up to the opportunities given me.
  • When people ask me, ‘how do you make it in show business,’ or whatever, what I always tell them‚ and nobody ever takes note of it,cuz it’s not the answer they wanted to hear‚ but I always say, ‘Be so good they can’t ignore you.’
  • I’ve run into people in my life who were so dramatic; people who are so extreme and so frustrating to be around that you end up thinking about them and talking about them for literally years after your experience with them is over.
  • There’s a lot of thought in art. People get to talk about important things. There’s a lot of sex, you know, in art. There’s a lot of naked women and men, and there’s intrigue, there’s fakery. It’s a real microcosm of the larger world.
  • The conscious mind is the editor, and the subconscious mind is the writer. And the joy of writing, when you’re writing from your subconscious, is beautiful – it’s thrilling. When you’re editing, which is your conscious mind, it’s like torture.
  • I choose a project based on whether it feels worthwhile working on when it comes to me. But secondly I choose it if it sounds like fun. Projects are determined by just how they strike me at the moment, as they have done throughout my whole life.
  • I did stand-up comedy for 18 years. Ten of those years were spent learning, four years were spent refining, and four years were spent in wild success. I was seeking comic originality, and fame fell on me as a byproduct. The course was more plodding than heroic.
  • As a human being on Earth, you can’t imagine friendship not being important in some other solar system or some other planet, or some other context of beings that are conscious. We even see it in animals. It is important for people on Earth to reach out or reach into someone.
  • I had loved magic tricks from the time I was six or seven. I bought books on magic. I did magic acts for my parents and their friends. I was aiming for show business from early days, and magic was the poor man’s way of getting in: you buy a trick for $2, and you’ve got an act.
  • I would say the three stages of making a film are the initial ‘are we gonna do this,’ ‘how much will I be paid,’ is there a lot of nights, who’s it going to be with? The second stage of doing a film is how much fun your going to have doing it. The third stage is was the film a hit?
  • I loved to make people laugh in high school, and then I found I loved being on stage in front of people. I’m sure that’s some kind of ego trip or a way to overcome shyness. I was very kind of shy and reserved, so there’s a way to be on stage and be performing and balance your life out.
  • I knew I wanted to be in show business so I took the path of least resistance. I loved comedy. But you never know you are funny until people laugh. It’s just what I was interested in. I could make people laugh, I guess, but doing it at school and doing it onstage are very different things.
  • What I mean is that none of my talents had a – what’s that great word – rubric. A singer, an actor, a dancer – there was nothing I could really say I was. The writing came much later. And, actually, thank God, because if I had said I’m a singer, I would really have just had one thing to do.
  • In a strange way, I don’t have a job, so I have a lot of time on my hands. When I do work, it might be very concentrated, and it might be months where you’re not really doing anything except maybe playing the banjo or writing something. You know, there’s a lot of time in the day if you’re not working 9 to 5.
  • I don’t think anyone is ever writing so that you can throw it away. You’re always writing it to be something. Later, you decide whether it’ll ever see the light of day. But at the moment of its writing, it’s always meant to be something. So, to me, there’s no practicing; there’s only editing and publishing or not publishing.
  • No matter how many times people say it – ‘Oh, I’m just writing this for myself’ ‘Oh, I’m just doing this for myself’ – nobody’s doing it for themselves! You’re doing it for an audience. So whether I’m performing or writing a book or playing music, it’s definitely to be put out there and to be received in some way, definitely.
  • My fear represented the failure of the human system. It is a sad truth of our creation: Something is amiss in our design, there are loose ends of our psychology that are simply not wrapped up. My fears were the dirty secrets of evolution. They were not provided for, and I was forced to construct elaborate temples to house them.
  • Your only guidepost is your own instinct and judicious editing. In my stand-up act I learned that in the first 10 minutes I could say anything and it would get a laugh. Then I’d better deliver. In the movie it’s the same thing. You get a lot of laughs when people first sit down and then the story better kick in. Many years in front of an audience, I would hope, give me a sense of what works.
  • My most persistent memory of stand – up is of my mouth being in the present and my mind being in the future: the mouth speaking the line, the body delivering the gesture, while the mind looks back, observing, analyzing, judging, worrying, and then deciding when and what to say next. Enjoyment while performing was rare – enjoyment would have been an indulgent loss of focus that comedy cannot afford.
  • I take editing seriously. It’s a joy to edit. I always hand a manuscript to several editors and can’t wait to get back their notes and see what they’ve said. I don’t criticize myself for making blunders here and there, because it’s just natural. You write in chunks, and you may not remember that that sentence you wrote yesterday had the same word repeated three times. I do enjoy that. I love the feeling of repairing. Repairing is really nice.
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On a lighter note

  • She was feeling her bohemian oats.
  • … you’re nuts but you’re welcome here.
  • I’m hello, and I’d like to say myself.
  • A day with out sun shine is like……….night
  • A day without sunshine is like, you know, night.
  • It’s not tipping I believe in. It’s overtipping.
  • Teaching is, after all, a form of show business.
  • All of life’s riddles are answered in the movies.
  • All of life’s riddles are answered in the movies.
  • Women have choices, and men have responsibilities.
  • …teaching is, after all, a form of show business.
  • Finally, we do become wise, but then it’s too late.
  • The greatest thing you can do is surprise yourself.
  • How many people have never raised their hand before?
  • A father carries pictures where his money used to be.
  • I got a flue shot and now my chimney works perfectly.
  • It’s not what you know, it’s what you think you know.
  • Talking about music is like dancing about architecture.
  • Thankfully, perseverance is a good substitute for talent.
  • I like a woman with a head on her shoulders. I hate necks.
  • Why sip from a tea cup, when you can drink from the river.
  • How to make a million dollars: First, get a million dollars
  • Boy, those French: they have a different word for everything!
  • A kiss may not be the truth, but it is what we wish were true.
  • I’m tired of wasting letters when punctuation will do, period.
  • The operation was a success, but I’m afraid the doctor is dead.
  • Knowledge of means without knowledge of ends is animal training.
  • You kill me and I’ll see that you never work in this town again.
  • Comedy is the art of making people laugh without making them puke.
  • Were they beautiful? We were all beautiful. We were in our twenties.
  • We’ve had some fun tonight…considering we’re all gonna die someday.
  • All I’ve ever wanted was an honest week’s pay for an honest day’s work.
  • I just gave my cat a bath. Now how do I get all this fur off my tounge?
  • I started a grease fire at McDonald’s – threw a match in the cook’s hair.
  • To be with another woman, that is French. To be caught, that is American.
  • You know that look that women get when they want to have sex? Me neither.
  • I’ve got to keep breathing. It’ll be my worst business mistake if I don’t.
  • It’s not the size of the nose that matters, it’s what’s inside that counts.
  • Some people have a way with words, and other people…oh, uh, not have way.
  • Somewhere in the world is…The world’s worst doctor and he could be yours.
  • I’ve decided to take up smoking, my doctor said I wasn’t getting enough tar.
  • I can’t smell moth balls, I find it too difficult to get their tiny legs apart
  • I just downloaded eleven hundred books onto my Kindle, and now I can’t lift it.
  • I was deeply unhappy, but I didn’t know it because I was so happy all the time.
  • I will do anything to look like him – except, of course, exercise or eat right.
  • When someone less capable is ahead of me, I am not pleased. It makes me insane.
  • She had destroyed whatever was between us by making a profound gaffe: She met me.
  • I cannot smell mothballs because it’s so difficult to get their little legs apart.
  • First the doctor told me the good news: I was going to have a disease named after me.
  • I could never be a woman, ’cause I’d just stay home and play with my breasts all day.
  • I’m not trying to be a big shot or anything like that, but I get my drinks half price.
  • I guess I wouldn’t believe in anything if it weren’t for my lucky astrology mood watch.
  • I thought yesterday was the first day of the rest of my life but it turns out today is.
  • Halle Berry is here, whose win last year broke down barriers for unbelievably hot women.
  • Dinosaurs did not walk with humans. The evolutionary record says different. They gambled.
  • Talent is the ability to say things well, but genius is the ability to, well, say things.
  • These days it’s hard to look at a poodle without thinking what a good meal he would make.
  • You know, you’re really nobody in L.A. unless you live in a house with a really big door.
  • Don’t have sex man. It leads to kissing and pretty soon you have to start talking to them.
  • So, while fitting in, she was like a wicked detail standing out against a placid background.
  • I believe you should place a woman on a pedestal: high enough so you can look up  her dress.
  • I never touched a gun in my life. That and that alone forever doomed me to middle management.
  • I think I did pretty well, considering I started out with nothing but a bunch of blank paper.
  • I believe that sex is one of the most beautiful, natural, wholesome things that money can buy.
  • Writer’s block is a fancy term made up by whiners so they can have an excuse to drink alcohol.
  • I guess I wouldn’t believe in anything anymore if it weren’t for my lucky astrology mood watch.
  • I have found that– just as in real life–imagination sometimes has to stand in for experience.
  • I have decided to give the greatest performance of my life! Oh, wait, sorry, that’s tomorrow night.
  • I believe Ronald Reagan can make this country what it once was… an Arctic region covered with ice.
  • When I die, now don’t think that I’m a nut, don’t want no fancy funeral, just one like old King Tut.
  • The Apple Pie Hubbub was a significant novel for me, because that’s when I first started using verbs.
  • An apology? Bah! Disgusting! Cowardly! Beneath the dignity of any gentleman, however wrong he might be.
  • I believe in equality. Equality for everybody. No matter how stupid they are or how superior I am to them.
  • People come up to me and say “Steve, what is film editing?” And I say “How should I know? You’re the director.
  • The banjo is such a happy instrument–you can’t play a sad song on the banjo – it always comes out so cheerful.
  • There’s someone out there for everyone – even if you need a pickaxe, a compass, and night goggles to find them.
  • A celebrity is any well-known TV or movie star who looks like he spends more than two hours working on his hair.
  • With a cheery delicacy she divided my obsessions into three categories: acceptable, unacceptable, and hilarious.
  • How is it possible to miss a woman whom you kept at a distance, so that when she was gone you would not miss her?
  • I handed in a script last year and the studio didn’t change one word. The word they didn’t change was on page 87.
  • I believe in eight of the ten commandments. I believe in going to church every Sunday… unless there’s a game on.
  • Lacy was just as happy alone as with company. When she was alone, she was potential; with others she was realized.
  • There is one thing I would break up over, and that is if she caught me with another woman. I won’t stand for that.
  • The self-prepared dinner is a great time killer for lonely people and as much time should be spent on it as possible.
  • Hollywood must be the only place on earth where you can be fired by a man wearing a Hawaiian shirt and a baseball cap.
  • Hosting the Oscars is much like making love to a woman. It’s something I only get to do when Billy Crystal is out of town.
  • He never complicates a desire by overthinking it, unlike Mirabelle, who spins a cocoon around an idea until it is immobile.
  • You know what your problem is, it’s that you haven’t seen enough movies – all of life’s riddles are answered in the movies.
  • Through the years, I have learned there is no harm in charging oneself up with delusions between moments of valid inspiration.
  • I believe the United States should allow all foreigners in this country, provided they can speak our native language… Apache.
  • I’ve put an umbrella in my mouth and opened it. I sat in a lemon-meringue pie. I’ve done terrible things to my dog with a fork.
  • What is a movie star? A movie star is many things. They can be tall, short, thin, or skinny. They can be Democrats… or skinny.
  • You want to know how I think art should be taught to children? Take them to a museum and say, ‘This is art, and you can’t do it.
  • Yeah, well, we’re all writers, aren’t we? He’s a writer that hasn’t been published, and I’m a writer who hasn’t written anything.
  • …the divided world of Aspen, where locals with a sense of entitlement were pitted against developers with a sense of condominiums.
  • Before you criticize a man, walk a mile in his shoes. That way, when you do criticize him, you’ll be a mile away and have his shoes.
  • Anyone who’s ever worked with Meryl Streep always says the same thing: can that woman act! And what’s with all the Hitler memorabilia?
  • I opened the show with this line: “I have decided to give the greatest performance of my life! Oh, wait, sorry, that’s tomorrow night.
  • I’m for the Wall Street Occupiers. But will they accept me when they find out I sell packaged mortgage default instruments to children?
  • Kids like my act because I’m wearing nose glasses. Adults like my act because there’s a guy who thinks putting on nose glasses is funny.
  • She has learned that her body is precious and it mustn’t be offered carelessly ever again, as it holds a direct connection to her heart.
  • There are some people that will not pick up a phone and call you, but if you knock on a door and talk to them, they’ll talk back to you.
  • There is something going on now in Mexico that I happen to think is cruelty to animals. What I’m talking about, of course, is cat juggling.
  • I couldn’t see his face, because the light came in from behind him and he was in shadow, and he said, “I am Picasso.” And I said, “Well, so what?
  • The only thing that bothers me is if I’m in a restaurant and I’m eating and someone says, ‘Hey, mind if I smoke?’ I always say, ‘No. Mind if I fart?
  • Be pompous, obese, and eat cactus. Be dull and boring and omnipresent. Criticize things you don’t know about. Be oblong and have your knees removed.
  • Now let’s repeat the non-conformists’ oath: I promise to be different! I promise to be unique! I promise not to repeat things other people say! Good!
  • Tweeting is really only good for one thing – it’s just good for tweeting… It is rewarding, because it’s just its own reward. It’s sort of like heaven.
  • The thing about the banjo is when you first hear it, it strikes many people as what’s that? There’s something very compelling about it to certain people.
  • I gave my cat a bath the other day…they love it. He sat there, he enjoyed it, it was fun for me. The fur would stick to my tongue, but other than that…
  • I happened to take a photo, and there was my wife, my dog and my banjo, all in the same shot – and I thought, “Oh, that’s like a family portrait right there.”
  • Be tasteless, rude, and offensive, Live in a swamp and be three dimensional, Put a live chicken in your underwear, Get all excited and go to a yawning festival.
  • I have no fear, no fear at all. I wake up, and I have no fear. I go to bed without fear. Fear, fear, fear, fear. Yes, ‘fear’ is a word that is not in my vocabulary.
  • I saw the movie, ‘Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon’ and was surprised because I didn’t see any tigers or dragons. And then I realized why: they’re crouching and hidden.
  • She didn’t even finish her last sentence; it just trailed off. I think the subject had changed in her head while her mouth had continued on the old topic, not realizing it was out of supplies.
  • A girl who is willing to give every ounce of herself to someone, who could never betray her lover, who never suspects maliciousness of anyone, and whose sexuality sleeps in her, waiting to be stirred.
  • I used to think a wedding was a simple affair. Boy and girl meet, they fall in love, he buys a ring, she buys a dress, they say I do. I was wrong. That’s getting married. A wedding is an entirely different proposition.
  • In talking to girls I could never remember the right sequence of things to say. I’d meet a girl and say, Hi, was it good for you too? If a girl spent the night, I’d wake up in the morning and then try to get her drunk.
  • I actually learned about sex watching neighborhood dogs. And it was good. Go ahead and laugh. I think the most important thing I learned was: Never let go of the girl’s leg, no matter how hard she tries to shake you off.
  • I love money. I love everything about it. I bought some pretty good stuff. Got me a $300 pair of socks. Got a fur sink. An electric dog polisher. A gasoline powered turtleneck sweater. And, of course, I bought some dumb stuff, too.
  • His view of the world is one that keeps his blood pressure low, sweeping the cholesterol from his relaxed, freeway-sized arteries. Everyone knows he is going to live till age ninety, although the question that goes begging is, what?
  • If you’ve got a dollar and you spend 29 cents on a loaf of bread, you’ve got 71 cents left; But if you’ve got seventeen grand and you spend 29 cents on a loaf of bread, you’ve still got seventeen grand. There’s a math lesson for you.
  • You know, a lot of people come to me and they say, “Steve, how can you be so fucking funny?” There’s a secret to it, it’s no big deal. Before I go out, I put a slice of bologna in each of my shoes. So when I’m on stage, I feel funny.
  • I would like a wine. The purpose of the wine is to get me drunk. A bad wine will get me as drunk as a good wine. I would like the good wine. And since the result is the same no matter which wine I drink, I’d like to pay the bad wine price.
  • I would assign every lie a color: yellow when they were innocent, pale blue when they sailed over you like the sky, red because I knew they drew blood. And then there was the black lie. That’s the worst of all. A black lie was when I told you the truth.
  • When I first started doing my stand-up act, I played the banjo, did comedy, magic tricks, juggled, read poetry. I stuck it all in. I didn’t know you were supposed to just stand up and tell jokes. Essentially, that’s what my act became: those five elements – except I dropped the poetry.
  • I studied with the Maharishi for many years, and really didn’t learn that much. But one thing that he taught me, I’ll never forget: ‘ALWAYS…’ no, wait– ‘NEVER…’ no, wait, it was ‘ALWAYS carry a litter bag in your car. It doesn’t take up much room, and if it gets full, you can toss it out the window.’
  • Communication has changed so rapidly in the last 20 years, it’s almost impossible to predict what might occur even in the next decade. E-mail, which now sends data hurtling across vast distances at the speed of light, has replaced primitive forms of communication such as smoke signals, which sent data hurtling across vast distances at the speed of light.
  • It’s so hard to believe in anything anymore, you know what I mean? It’s like, religion, you really can’t take it seriously, ’cause it seems so mythological, and seems so arbitrary; and then on the other hand, science is just pure empiricism, and by virtue of its method, it excludes metaphysics. I guess I wouldn’t believe in anything if it weren’t for my lucky astrology mood watch.
  • I used to smoke marijuana. But I’ll tell you something: I would only smoke it in the late evening. Oh, occasionally the early evening, but usually the late evening – or the mid-evening. Just the early evening, midevening and late evening. Occasionally, early afternoon, early mid-afternoon, or perhaps the late-midafternoon. Oh, sometimes the early-mid-late-early morning. . . But never at dusk!

 

Robin Williams (quotes)

More serious quotes

  • Be prepared for luck.
  • Reality: What a concept!
  • It’s cheaper to keep her.
  • Comedy is acting out optimism.
  • Even mistakes can be wonderful.
  • Comedy is acting out of optimism.
  • I feel like I’m a big human snot.
  • Carpe per diem – seize the check.
  • The only weapon we have is comedy.
  • When in doubt, go for the dick joke.
  • A place where we all go can’t be bad.
  • Don’t mess with me, man, I’m a lawyer!
  • Keating: Carpe Diem! Sieze the day!
  • Cricket is basically baseball on valium.
  • Make your life spectacular, I know I did.
  • My comedy is like emotional hang-gliding.
  • Go pump some neurons. Expand your craniums
  • I love kids, but they are a tough audience.
  • There are no rules. Just follow your heart.
  • A human life is just a heartbeat in heaven.
  • You have to break in half to love somebody.
  • I only ever play Vegas one night at a time.
  • Seize the day. Make your life extraordinary.
  • Ronald Reagan is the world’s largest Muppet.
  • The idea of having a steady job is appealing.
  • Comedy pays the bills if I can’t find a film.
  • For a while you get mad, then you get over it.
  • I don’t do well with snakes, and I can’t dance.
  • Being alone onstage is like legalized insanity.
  • Dreams don’t deal in time. Time doesn’t count.
  • I know size can be daunting but don’t be afraid.
  • I’m sorry, if you were right, I’d agree with you.
  • Three wishes – no substitutes, exchanges or refunds
  • Death is nature’s way of saying, ‘Your table is ready.’
  • The world is your oyster. Never stop trying new things.
  • I was a serious method actor until I visited this site.
  • Nobody takes a picture of something they want to forget.
  • The things we fear the most have already happened to us.
  • Imagining something is better than remembering something.
  • There’s a world out there. Open a window, and it’s there.
  • There’s a world out there. Open a window, and it’s there.
  • Comedy can be a cathartic way to deal with personal trauma.
  • What’s right is what’s left if you do everything else wrong.
  • What’s right is what’s left if you do everything else wrong.
  • Anything that is not funny at a certain point will be funny.
  • We used to be hunter-gatherers, now we’re shopper-borrowers.
  • In America, they really do mythologize people when they die.
  • The truth is, if anything, I’m probably addicted to laughter.
  • Oh, no. To live… to live would be an awfully big adventure.
  • The truth is, if anything, I’m probably addicted to laughter.
  • You’re best when you’re not in charge. The ego locks the muse.
  • Do you think God gets stoned? I think so… look at the platypus.
  • With a bike you go from zero to a hundred in terms of mobility.
  • You’re going to the cemetery with your toothbrush. How Egyptian
  • Sucking the marrow out of life doesn’t mean choking on the bone.
  • I was an only child. I did have kind of like a lonely existence.
  • You’re still young. Being a true loser takes years of inaptitude
  • You’re only given a little spark of madness. You mustn’t lose it.
  • You’re only given a little spark of madness. You mustn’t lose it.
  • Good people end up in Hell because they can’t forgive themselves.
  • The meek may inherit the earth, but they don’t get in to Harvard.
  • Our job is improving the quality of life, not just delaying death.
  • There’s no question this is where I want to live. Never has been.
  • But poetry, beauty, romance, love, these are what we stay alive for.
  • I used food to make myself feel better, but I felt worse when I ate.
  • No matter what people tell you, words and ideas can change the world.
  • Compassionate conservative, that’s like having a gun rack on a Volvo.
  • What’s true in our minds is true, whether some people know it or not.
  • Time is the best teacher. Unfortunately, it kills all of its students.
  • You need a touch of madness, just enough that you don’t become stupid!
  • All you have to do is think one happy thought, and you’ll fly like me.
  • I’m history! No, I’m mythology! Nah, I don’t care what I am, I’m free!
  • What some folks call impossible is just stuff they haven’t seen before.
  • If we were interested in making money, we wouldn’t have become teachers.
  • Stop being afraid of getting older. With age comes wisdom and confidence.
  • You know what music is – a harmonic connection between all living beings.
  • I think it’s great when stories are dark and strange and weirdly personal.
  • I always thought the idea of education was to learn to think for yourself.
  • I think it’s great when stories are dark and strange and weirdly personal.
  • If heaven exists, to know that there’s laughs, that would be a great thing.
  • The idea of being a character who is kind of isolated, I can relate to that.
  • If heaven exists, to know that there are laughs, that would be a great thing.
  • Some are born great. Some achieve greatness. Some get it as a graduation gift.
  • It doesn’t matter who you are, if you’ve got the legs, you can hang with them.
  • Sometimes it’s more noble to tell a small lie than to deliver a painful truth.
  • Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about. Be kind. Always.
  • When you have a great audience, you can just keep going and finding new things.
  • Real loss is only possible when you love something more than you love yourself.
  • I learned that by being entertaining you make a connection with another person.
  • There’s no shame in failing. The only shame is not giving things your best shot.
  • The Second Amendment says we have the right to bear arms, not to bear artillery.
  • The sort of liveliness which increases with age is not far distant from madness.
  • Stand-up is the place where you can do things that you could never do in public.
  • There is no shame in failing. The only shame is not giving things your best shot.
  • As an alcoholic, you will violate your standards quicker than you can lower them.
  • You’d think all of these “atypical” somethings would add up to a typical something
  • Being in the same room with people and creating something together is a good thing.
  • People say satire is dead. It’s not dead; it’s alive and living in the White House.
  • People would say I never censor. As Billy Crystal says, ‘I don’t have that button.’
  • The world is open for play, everything and everybody is mockable in a wonderful way.
  • If women ran the world, we wouldn’t have wars… just intense negotiations every 28 days.
  • Politicians should wear sponsor jackets like Nascar drivers. Then we know who owns them.
  • Kid, if You Need Booze or Drugs to Enjoy Your Life to the Fullest, You’re Doing It Wrong.
  • Sometimes you got to specifically go out of your way to get into trouble. It’s called fun.
  • Gentlemen, haven’t we learned anything from the music of John Lennon? All we need is love.
  • The world is open for play, that everything and everybody is mockable, in a wonderful way.
  • Crying never helped anybody do anything, okay? You have a problem, you face it like a man.
  • Sometimes, you got to specifically go out of your way to get into trouble. It’s called fun.
  • But only in their dreams can men be truly free. It was always thus and always thus will be.
  • Explore an idea until you’ve exhausted it, really go to all the different parameters of it.
  • I don’t practice anything. I spend time looking over ideas and then just get out and do it.
  • Self-reliance is the key to a vigorous life. A man must look inward to find his own answers.
  • You’ve got to be crazy! It’s too late to be sane, too late. You’ve got to go full-tilt bozo.
  • A hungry stomach, an empty wallet, and a broken heart can teach you the best lessons of life.
  • Self-reliance is the key to a vigorous life. A man must look inward to find his own answers.
  • I just want to do movies, and I want to sell them. I don’t want to link up with some product.
  • I stand upon my desk to remind myself that we must constantly look at things in a different way.
  • I do believe in love. It’s wonderful, especially love third time around; it’s even more precious.
  • My favorite thing to do is ride a bicycle. I ride road bikes. And for me, it’s mobile meditation.
  • Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn’t, but when it does, it’s like open-field running.
  • What’s my credibility? Why are they looking to me for advice? Isn’t there someone more qualified?
  • If you don’t keep pushing the limits, you wake up one day and you’re the “center square to block.”
  • When I’m riding my bicycle I feel like a Buddhist who is happy just to enjoy his mundane existence
  • To be free. Such a thing would be greater than all the magic and all the treasures in all the world.
  • Comedy is there to basically show us we fart, we laugh, to make us realize we still are part animal.
  • A friend is someone who listens to your bullshit, tells you that it’s bullshit, and listens some more.
  • If we’re going to fight a disease, let’s fight one of the most terrible diseases of all, indifference.
  • Sometimes you can have a whole lifetime in a day and never notice that this is a beautiful as it gets.
  • She is not perfect. You are not perfect. The question is whether or not you are perfect for each other
  • See, the problem is that God gives men a brain and a penis, and only enough blood to run one at a time.
  • Sometimes you can have a whole lifetime in a day and never notice that this is as beautiful as it gets.
  • You will have bad times, but they will always wake you up to the stuff you weren’t paying attention to.
  • You will have bad times, but they will always wake you up to the stuff you weren’t paying attention to.
  • I love doing live action movies, but there’s a great job in doing animation, especially one with music.
  • There is still a lot to learn and there is always great stuff out there. Even mistakes can be wonderful.
  • After I quit drinking, I realized I am the same asshole I always was; I just have fewer dents in my car.
  • You can start any ‘Monty Python’ routine and people finish it for you. Everyone knows it like shorthand.
  • There’s a time for daring and there’s a time for caution, and a wise man understands which is called for.
  • Sometimes with a comedy it’s just having the instinct of how real you play it and what level you want it.
  • I want everyone out there in TV land to touch the TV. Touch the back of the TV and get a shock for Jesus.
  • Please, don’t worry so much. Because in the end, none of us have very long on this Earth. Life is fleeting.
  • Gradual school is where you go to school and you gradually find out you don’t want to go to school anymore.
  • But if there’s love, dear… those are the ties that bind, and you’ll have a family in your heart, forever.
  • On stage you’re free. You can say and do things that if you said and did any place else, you’d be arrested.
  • My children give me a great sense of wonder. Just to see them develop into these extraordinary human beings.
  • To make fun of an administration, to make fun of anything, Mark Twain said, is the last defense of democracy.
  • I’ve always improvised, and stand-up was this great release. All of a sudden, it was just me and the audience.
  • There’s this thing called freebasing. It’s not free, it costs you your home. It should be called ‘homebasing’.
  • It was kind of a decompression – from straight alcohol to mixed drinks to wine to spritzers – and then you’re out.
  • You have an internal critic, an internal drive that says, ‘OK, you can do more.’ Maybe that’s what keeps you going.
  • You treat a disease, you win, you lose. You treat a person, I guarantee you, you’ll win, no matter what the outcome.
  • It’s always great when you want scientific fact to get a really good science fiction writer to talk to you about it.
  • We don’t read and write poetry because it’s cute. We read and write poetry because we are members of the human race.
  • If you’re that depressed, reach out to someone. And remember, suicide is a permanent solution, to a temporary problem.
  • If you want to die, don’t make a mistake and not quite kill yourself because the medical bills in America are hideous.
  • I have no desire to go anywhere near drugs. People say, “Aren’t you tempted?” No, because of the ridiculousness of it.
  • If there was a pill that allowed you to drink and not get drunk, an alcoholic would go “What happens if you take two?”
  • Acting is different from stand-up. It gives you this ability to enter into another character, to create another person.
  • I do believe in love; it’s wonderful – especially love third time around, it’s even more precious; it’s kind of amazing.
  • Women are wonderful. They’re amazing creatures. You can never learn enough! They’re addicting in the most amazing sense.
  • I can be trained, I can actually show you how intelligent I am, I can use a word like delicatessen and know what it means.
  • The Second Amendment! It says you have the right to bear arms, or the right to arm bears, whatever the hell you want to do!
  • On rides you see things that trigger ideas. And most the time it’s just not doing anything but riding … letting it all go.
  • Boys, you must strive to find your own voice, because the longer you wait to begin the less likely you are to find it at all.
  • In down times I do things like go for a long bike ride or run. The other thing I’m doing in that quiet time is just observing.
  • If I ever asked you about love, you’d probably quote me a sonnet. But you’ve never looked a woman and been totally vulnerable.
  • I’ve actually gone to the zoo and had monkeys shout to me from their cages, “I’m in here when you’re walking around like that?”
  • Shooting in New York is the shiznit, if I may be so bold. It was great. New York is a character. People who live here know that.
  • There are times when life’s just real quiet and simple. I sometimes get tired of people saying, “Well, what are you really like?”
  • Humor is a great defense, and an offense too. Usually the recipient isn’t too happy about it, but the people around are laughing.
  • Women are incredibly intuitive. If anybody on the planet is going to evolve to the next level, that telekinetic thing, women will.
  • I try to make sense of things. Which is why, I guess, I believe in destiny. There must be a reason that I am as I am. There must be.
  • I love to ride my bike, which is great aerobics, but also just a great time for me to think, so it’s like this terrific double bill.
  • I never performed on drugs. That’d be stupid. It’s the same thing with athletes. They can’t perform when they have cocaine problems.
  • The great thing about marriage is the idea of really getting to know someone. And really getting to know a woman is a life long task.
  • When I find out a hotel doesn’t have a DSL, it’s like “What? There’s no toilet?” Once you get used to high speed you ain’t going back
  • Friends come in all sizes, take it from me! Golly gee, size doesn’t matter, when you want some friendly patter from a pal who is true.
  • Seize the day. Because, believe it or not, each and every one of us in this room is one day going to stop breathing, turn cold, and die.
  • We have a president for whom English is a second language. He’s like ‘We have to get rid of dictators,’ but he’s pretty much one himself.
  • Women have so many levels. There’s the physical level, which is a lot of fun. There’s this emotional level, which is extremely mercurial.
  • I met Jonah Lomu. I never knew how huge he was. I felt like a peasant in a Godzilla movie. ‘Quickly! Tell the other villagers! We go now!’
  • Just now when I said, “I have a crush on you,” you didn’t say, “no way loser”. I’d rather have a lobotomy by a leper. That means something
  • The Chinese had accused the Tibetans of being terrorists, which is weird. A Tibetan terrorist is like an Amish hacker. It just doesn’t fit.
  • My preference is live performance, because you get the feedback. There’s an energy. It’s live theater. That’s why I think actors like that.
  • Don’t associate yourself with toxic people. It’s better to be alone and love yourself than surrounded by people that make you hate yourself.
  • Don’t associate yourself with toxic people. It’s better to be alone and love yourself than surrounded by people that make you hate yourself.
  • There’s three things in this world that you need: Respect for all kinds of life, a nice bowel movement on a regular basis, and a navy blazer.
  • There are three things in this world that you need: respect for all kinds of life, a nice bowel movement on a regular basis, and a navy blazer.
  • I used to think the worst thing in life was to end up alone. It’s not. The worst thing in life is to end up with people who make you feel alone.
  • Politics is so personal, vicious and immediate, how are you going to get anything done? Even the local politics where I live have gotten so ugly.
  • It’s that idea that you can have one drink – and no you can’t. Within a week I was drinking heavily. It was so quick that even I was like, ‘Wow.’
  • A lot of celebrities golf because they want to be away. For them it’s a chance to get away and be peaceful. For me it’s peaceful to ride [cycling].
  • I used to think the worst thing in life was to end up all alone. It’s not. The worst thing in life is to end up with people who make you feel all alone.
  • I don’t have a college degree, and my father didn’t have a college degree, so when my son, Zachary, graduated from college, I said, “My boy’s got learnin’!”
  • Change is not popular; we are creatures of habit as human beings. ‘I want it to be the way it was.’ But if you continue the way it was there will be no ‘is.’
  • Change is not popular; we are creatures of habits as human beings. ‘I want it to be the way it was.’ But if you continue the way it was there will be no ‘is.’
  • As intellectual as we think we are, you still trip, we still have human foibles, sexuality, all the different things to still make you aware of your humanity.
  • The human spirit is more powerful than any drug, and that is what needs to be nourished: with work, play, friendship, family. These are the things that matter.
  • The human spirit is more powerful than any drug – and that is what needs to be nourished: with work, play, friendship, family. These are the things that matter.
  • Divorce is expensive. I used to joke they were going to call it ‘all the money,’ but they changed it to ‘alimony.’ It’s ripping your heart out through your wallet.
  • Most of all, I want to thank my father, up there, the man who when I said I wanted to be an actor, he said, ‘Wonderful. Just have a backup profession like welding.’
  • Most of all, I want to thank my father, up there, the man who when I said I wanted to be an actor, he said, ‘Wonderful. Just have a back-up profession like welding.’
  • Terrible wars have been fought where millions have died for one idea – freedom. And it seems that something that means so much to so many people would be worth having.
  • Cocaine for me was a place to hide. Most people get hyper on coke. It slowed me down. Sometimes it made me paranoid and impotent, but mostly it just made me withdrawn.
  • My battles with addiction definitely shaped how I am now. They really made me deeply appreciate human contact. And the value of friends and family, how precious that is.
  • It is hard to find something where you can go off as much as I do in stand-up, but I think stand-up allows me that freedom where you can really go off and have a good time.
  • If you listen real close, you can hear them whisper their legacy to you. Go on, lean in. Listen, you hear it?  Carpe diem, seize the day boys, make your lives extraordinary.
  • Cable is not bound because people pay for it. It’s literally a choice, that’s the operative word. If you don’t like the language, if cocksucker offends you, then turn it off.
  • It’s been a tough year. . . Someone said I should send out Buddhist thank-you cards since Buddhists believe that anything that challenges you makes you pull yourself together.
  • I had one or two steady girlfriends in high school, but then in college, it was three, four… I went crazy. At one point I had three separate girlfriends, running around mad.
  • You know what music is? God’s little reminder that there’s something else besides us in this universe; harmonic connection between all living beings, every where, even the stars.
  • I’ve never had a “hankering” to direct. I can perform, but I can’t write on that level. I tend to go off on tangents. Directing also requires a kind of specificity and I don’t have it.
  • My father retired to San Francisco, and I got a chance to know him and be around him. It’s always been someplace where everything changed for the better. It’s always been a home for me.
  • Age makes you more confident. When you realize that it’s time now to just do things. When there’s not the pressure to perform on some level of expectations, there’s more to just explore.
  • I think the saddest people always try their hardest to make people happy because they know what it’s like to feel absolutely worthless  and they don’t want anyone else to feel like that.
  • All the new people you meet, it’s pretty amazing. The vampire needs new blood. And there is still a lot to learn and there is always great stuff out there. Even mistakes can be wonderful.
  • You’ve got to be crazy! It’s too late to be sane, too late. You’ve got to go full tilt bozo… ‚ÄòCause you’re only given a little spark of madness… and if you lose that, you’re nothing
  • How much more can you give? Other than, literally, open-heart surgery onstage? Not much. But the only cure you have right now is the honesty of going, this is who you are. I know who I am.
  • I think the saddest people always try their hardest to make people happy. Because they know what it feels like to feel absolutely worthless and they don’t want anybody else to feel like that.
  • Sometimes, keeping track of people. It’s always a weird combination of worrying so much about the outside world, and not… you have to be more aware of the inner circle, the folks that matter.
  • [when asked about what he was most thankful about]: Being alive. After heart surgery, you dig that part. Breath, family and friends are just amazing. Just to have a second shot is pretty great!
  • We were romantics. We didn’t just read poetry. We let it drip from our tongues like honey. Spirits soared. Women swooned, and gods were created, gentlemen. Not a bad way to spend an evening, eh?
  • Come on now! You kick out the gooks, the next thing you know, you have to kick out the chinks, the spicks, the spooks, the kikes and all that’s going to be left is a couple of brain-dead rednecks.
  • You have this idea that you’d better keep working otherwise people will forget. And that was dangerous. And then you realize, no, actually if you take a break people might be more interested in you.
  • I was once walking in an airport and a woman came up to me and said, ‘Be zany!’. That’d be like walking up to Baryshikov and going, ‘Plie! Just do a plie! Do it! Do a releve right now! Lift my wife!’
  • Stand-up is the place where you can do things that you could never do in public. Once you step on stage you’re licensed to do that. It’s an understood relationship. You walk on stage – it’s your job.
  • I couldn’t imagine living the way I used to live. Now people come up to me from the drug days and go, ‘Hi, remember me?’ And I’m going, ‘No, did I have sex with you? Did I take a dump in your tool box?’
  • [On creating] And you get that little endorphin buzz, it’s great. Why do you think Einstein looked like that? I don’t think he was going “You know this is some dynamite weed! It’s all relative you know.”
  • The dramas for me allow me to explore more behavioral, deeper psychological things. But the comedies obviously allow me to explore the idea of really working off other people. I’m having more fun doing that.
  • When you really do find a new idea or you’re in and it’s all working, that’s the gift. It’s like a musician when they hit a riff, that’s when you’re like all right, it’s mellow. You back off and just ride it.
  • I want to do a movie, but it has to be the right movie, whether it’s independent or a studio movie. I’m much more open to being a supporting actor. At the age of 60, I’ll be second fiddle. Fine. I’m happy to do it.
  • With mountain biking, it’s always that constant thing, negotiating singletrack, which I like, but for a road ride that rhythm is really Buddhist. When you get a good pedal stoke, it’s that thing of everything works.
  • My mother’s idea of natural childbirth was giving birth without makeup. She was hyper-positive – the world is a wonderful place, rainbows and unicorns. If you said anything contrary to her, you were basically exiled.
  • Everyone has these two visions when they hold their child for the first time. The first is your child as an adult saying “I want to thank the Nobel Committee for this award.” The other is “You want fries with that?”.
  • It’s a wonderful feeling when your father becomes not a God but a man to you — when he comes down from the mountain and you see he’s this man with weaknesses. And you love him as this whole being, not as a figurehead.
  • It’s a wonderful feeling when your father becomes not a god but a man to you – when he comes down from the mountain and you see he’s this man with weaknesses. And you love him as this whole being, not as a figurehead.
  • My childhood was really nice. My parents never forced me to do anything; it was always, “If you want to do that, fine.” When I told my father I was going to be an actor, he said, “Fine, but study welding just in case.”
  • Cross-country running was so beautiful with all the trails and the lake regions … very physical and also a bit spiritual, where you could come over the mountain and all of a sudden you’d see a Buddhist landscape fog.
  • When your spinal cord freezes up, you’re vulnerable to everything. But he [Chrestopher Reese] was tough as nails. And he kept a great, kind of dark sense of humor about it, but also was able to accomplish amazing things.
  • My favorite is when you go to Afghanistan and you meet the special forces guys, and they look like these heavily armed surfers. These guys are the best. You see guys dressed as full Afghans, but then wearing a Yankees hat.
  • Avoid using the word ‘very’ because it’s lazy. A man is not very tired, he is exhausted. Don’t use very sad, use morose. Language was invented for one reason boys – to woo women – and in that endeavor, laziness will not do.
  • We were totally opposite – me coming from the West Coast and a junior college, and him [ Christopher Reeve] from the hard-core Ivy League. He used to be the studly studly of all studlies, and I was the little fool ferret boy.
  • After my training wheels, my first real bike was a Schwinn, and my first time out, I rode down a hill, didn’t know how to stop, and ran right into a tree. So, that was a nice experience … like realizing, oh, there are brakes!
  • The essential truth is that sometimes you’re worried that they’ll find out it’s a fluke, that you don’t really have it. You’ve lost the muse or — the worst dread — you never had it at all. I went through all that madness early on.
  • Finding a good script is really difficult and the scariest thing of all is when they say about a script that’s not right, “we will fix it..” It’s like before you get on the Titanic and you see a big hole. In process, it’s too late.
  • Bicycles are pieces of art. You get that combination of kinetic engineering, but then, besides the welds, the paint jobs, the kind of the sculpture of it all is quite beautiful. Bikes have such great lines, and all different styles.
  • The little idiosyncrasies that only I know about: that’s what made her my wife. Oh she had the goods on me too, she knew all my little peccadilloes. People call these things imperfections, but they’re not. Ah, that’s the good stuff!
  • There was an old, crazy dude who used to live a long time ago. His name was Lord Buckley. And he said, a long time ago, he said, ‘People–they’r e kinda like flowers, and it’s been a privilege walking in your garden.’ My love goes with you.
  • I thought I was fooling people. But it’s the old thing of ‘they say vodka doesn’t smell’. No, not until you sweat. And you just lie and lie and you think ‘I can deal with this’. And then you finally go, ‘No you can’t’. And then you give up.
  • Even when I did my Broadway show, I did 15 minutes no one had seen before, because that was the night that Michael Jackson protested about Al Sharpton bailing on him. I said, “Wow, if that man bails on you, this must be really a lost cause.”
  • People say that I’m a tree hugger, but I do a lot more than hug trees. I like having my drinking water without faecal matter, that’s really nice. Or acceptable levels of strychnine. I’m an air breather, I’ve gotten used to that over the years.
  • I started doing comedy because that was the only stage that I could find. It was the pure idea of being on stage. That was the only thing that interested me, along with learning the craft and working, and just being in productions with people.
  • I stopped drinking when I had children because I wanted to be awake and aware. I did not want to be going, you know, daddy loves you and then drop my head on the table. I do not want to miss anything that they do or say. It is important to me.
  • Life is fleeting. And if you’re ever distressed, cast your eyes to the summer sky when when the stars are strung across the velvety night. And when a shooting star streaks through the blackness, turning night into day… make a wish and think of me.
  • To be acknowledged for who and what I am, no more, no less. Not for acclaim, not for approval, but, the simple truth of that recognition. This has been the elemental drive of my existence, and it must be achieved, if I am to live or die with dignity.
  • I enjoy that, and the idea of doing small things over a period of time. I think there are certain things you can do for water control in America, because that will be our most precious resource. In America, you pay more for water than you do for gas.
  • Politically, I don’t care what party you’re from, offer a point of view and let’s see what happens and really debate the issues rather than use personal attacks. Really talk about it, talk about immigration, talk about education, talk about pollution.
  • We’re dealing with fundamentalists… the Amish are fundamentalists, but they don’t try and hijack a carriage at needlepoint. And, if you’re ever in Amish country and you see a man with his hand buried in a horse’s ass, that’s a mechanic. Remember that.
  • Things that I see in the future. I see… it could be quite incredible if we can master a few problems, like the air and the water thing might be nice. I see governments dissolving these barriers are all falling down for economic reasons. They’re all so interbound.
  • If I asked you about love, you’d probably quote me a sonnet. But you’ve never looked at a woman and been totally vulnerable. Known someone that could level you with her eyes, feeling like God put an angel on earth just for you. Who could rescue you from the depths of hell.
  • I got to ninth grade and there was wrestling, and I went, ‘Wait a minute, this is fun.’ Basically, it was a chance for a small kid like me to get a chance to wail on another small kid. I went, ‘I love this.’ The discipline of it was great. Plus, I really started to be good at it.
  • I can see it now: Osama bin Laden goes up to the pearly gates where George Washington comes out, starts beating him and is then joined by 70 other members of the Continental Congress. Osama will say, Hey, wait! Where are my 71 virgins? And George will reply It’s 71 Virginians, you asshole!
  • For me, comedy starts as a spew, a kind of explosion, and then you sculpt it from there, if at all. It comes out of a deeper, darker side. Maybe it comes from anger, because I’m outraged by cruel absurdities, the hypocrisy that exists everywhere, even within yourself, where it’s hardest to see.
  • We are surrounded by a lot of failed ecosystems; the moon being one, Mars, Venus. There¬ís evidence of water on Mars and rivers and it didn¬ít take. Also, we have planets to guard us like Jupiter and Saturn that take the hits of the comets. It is miraculous that we exist on this planet, that it took.
  • I basically started performing for my mother, going, ‘Love me!’ What drives you to perform is the need for that primal connection. When I was little, my mother was funny with me, and I started to be charming and funny for her, and I learned that by being entertaining, you make a connection with another person.
  • Ever since my children were born, the moment I looked at them I was crazy about them. Once I held them I was hooked. I am addicted to my children sir. I love them with all my heart and the idea of someone telling me I can’t be with them, I can’t see them everyday. Well, it’s like someone saying I can’t have air.
  • I basically started performing for my mother, going, ‘Love me!’ What drives you to perform is the need for that primal connection. When I was little, my mother was funny with me, and I started to be charming and funny for her, and I learned that by being entertaining, you make a connection with another person.
  • In truth I never really liked any of the heavy drugs, because normally my energy is up when I’m performing, and that’s about it. Cocaine is nothing new. It’s the pressure, I think. People use it to relieve that, and for me it is about getting numb and forgetting. I have a reverse metabolic reaction to the stuff.
  • What’s wrong with death sir? What are we so mortally afraid of? Why can’t we treat death with a certain amount of humanity and dignity, and decency, and God forbid, maybe even humor. Death is not the enemy gentlemen. If we’re going to fight a disease, let’s fight one of the most terrible diseases of all, indifference.
  • Directing requires great discipline, that ability to be in and out at the same time. The great ones I’ve worked with are like generals. It’s a bit like a small war on that level. The great ones have that combination of freedom and control. I’m nowhere near that. There’s still so much to do as an actor. I have enough to explore with that.
  • My preference is live performance. Because you get the feedback. There’s an energy. It’s live theater. That’s why I think actors like that. You know, musicians need it, comedians definitely need it. It doesn’t matter what size and what club, whether it’s 30 people in the club or 2,000 in a hall or a theater. It’s live, it’s symbiotic, you need it.
  • I did an event in Washington, and it was like we lifted a sea.Immediately after [9/11], there was a stunned shock – kind of this feeling of “What do we do now?” I started performing, and there was a catharsis in the laughing. People started to be able to laugh again. Laughter can be many things – sometimes a medicine, sometimes a weapon, depending on.
  • The idea of the industrial fishing affects everyone. Those factory ships play this game of hit and run with the international fishing limits, and somebody said it’s like hunting squirrels with a bulldozer. They pull everything in and they are only looking for certain types of fish and everything else dies and they just throw it back. It’s like chumming.
  • A Pentagon official once said the people who would actually push the button probably have never seen a person die. He said the only hope -and it’s a strange thought – is if they put the button to launch the nuclear war behind a man’s heart. The President, then, with a rusty knife, would have to cut out the man’s heart, kill the man, to get to the button.
  • I’m fascinated by the new iPhone. I bought it and kept trying to use it in France. “Siri, what is a good restaurant?” (In a robotic voice.) “I’m sorry, Robin. I can’t give locations in France.” “Why, Siri?” “I don’t know.” It’s like she was upset with the French or something. “They seem to have an attitude I can’t understand. Should I look for Germans, Robin?”
  • One day [when I relapsed] I walked into a store and saw a little bottle of Jack Daniel’s. And then that voice – I call it the ‘lower power’ – goes, ‘Hey. Just a taste. Just one.’ I drank it, and there was that brief moment of ‘Oh, I’m okay!’ But it escalated so quickly. Within a week I was buying so many bottles I sounded like a wind chime walking down the street.
  • You look at the world and see how scary it can be sometimes and still try to deal with the fear. Comedy can deal with the fear and still not paralyze you or tell you that it’s going away. You say, OK, you got certain choices here, you can laugh at them and then once you’ve laughed at them and you have expunged the demon, now you can deal with them. That’s what I do when I do my act.
  • My childhood was lonely. Both my parents were away a lot, working, and the maid basically raised me. And I think that’s where a lot of my comedy comes from. Not only was the maid very funny and witty, but when my mother came home I’d use humour to try and get her attention. If I made mommy laugh, then maybe everything would be all right. I think that’s where it [my comedy] all started.
  • It’s just literally being afraid. And you think, oh, [the alcohol] will ease the fear. And it doesn’t. What was he afraid of? “Everything. It’s just a general all-round arggghhh. It’s fearfulness and anxiety.” He added, “For that first week you lie to yourself, and tell yourself you can stop, and then your body kicks back and says, no, stop later. And then it took about three years, and finally you do stop.”
  • My children give me a great sense of wonder. Just to see them develop into these extraordinary human beings. And a favorite book as a child? Growing up, it was ‘The Lion, The Witch and The Wardrobe’ – I would read the whole C.S. Lewis series out loud to my kids. I was once reading to Zelda, and she said ‘don’t do any voices. Just read it as yourself.’ So I did, I just read it straight, and she said ‘that’s better.’
  • It’s that idea that you can have one drink – and no you can’t. Within a week I was drinking heavily. It was so quick that even I was like, ‘Wow.’ Because you have that initial warm feeling going, ‘Oh, I remember this’. And your body does, too. And your body goes, ‘Yeah, so do I’.  Then the demon voice comes, ‘Yeah, so do I. You know what would be great? You know we bought a little bottle before? A full bottle would be wonderful’.
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On a lighter note

  • Cricket is baseball on valium.
  • When in doubt, go for the dick joke.
  • Situations Burglars Furniture Homosexuals
  • ..so many pedestrians, so little time…
  • Decaf is like masturbating with an oven mitt!
  • No man is an island; but some are peninsulas.
  • Freud: If it’s not one thing, it’s your mother
  • It’s hotter than a snake’s ass in a wagon rut.
  • Never go to Pluto, it’s a Mickey Mouse planet.
  • Why do they call it rush hour if no one moves?
  • I don’t do well with snakes, and I can’t dance.
  • I don’t do well with snakes, and I can’t dance.
  • Spring is nature’s way of saying, ‘Let’s party!’
  • Women! Can’t live with ’em, can’t live with ’em!
  • I like my wine like my women – ready to pass out.
  • I’m sorry, if you were right, I’d agree with you.
  • Why do they call it rush hour when nothing moves?
  • His golf bag does not contain a full set of irons.
  • I like my wine like my women — ready to pass out.
  • I thought lacrosse was what you find in la church.
  • If you can remember the sixties, you weren’t there.
  • Why do they call it “rush hour” when nothing moves?
  • We’re not laughing at you – we’re laughing near you.
  • Gentiles are people who eat mayonnaise for no reason.
  • I’m looking for Miss Right, or at least Miss Right Now
  • Death is nature’s way of saying, ‘Your table is ready.’
  • If we bury you ass up, I’ve got a place to park my bike.
  • In the dictionary under redundant it says see redundant.
  • Incoming is not the thing you want to hear at Christmas.
  • Mickey Mouse to a three-year-old is a six-foot-tall RAT!
  • He makes a Macy’s Thanksgiving Day float look ridiculous.
  • Canada is like a loft apartment over a really great party.
  • Death – to blink for an exceptionally long period of time.
  • My first day as a woman and I am already having hot flushes
  • Clouds are like boogers hanging on the nostrils of the moon.
  • Cocaine is God’s way of saying you’re making too much money.
  • If it’s the Psychic Network why do they need a phone number?
  • What’s right is what’s left if you do everything else wrong.
  • Never fight with an ugly person, they’ve got nothing to lose.
  • Running for senator in New York is like bobbing for piranhas.
  • Whenever a big white man picks up a banjo, my cheeks tighten.
  • You might say he was one taco short of a combination platter.
  • Along with the Oscars, the Academy is giving out a green card.
  • I went to rehab in wine country, just to keep my options open.
  • Reality is just a crutch for people who can’t cope with drugs.
  • We’ve had cloning in the South for years. It’s called cousins.
  • We’ve had cloning in the South for years. It’s called cousins.
  • Do you think God gets stoned? I think so… look at the platypus.
  • That’s the formaldehyde. That’s why Granny’s so well-preserved.
  • Sucking the marrow out of life doesn’t mean choking on the bone.
  • Cocaine is God’s way of telling you you are making too much money.
  • I love being backstage, or doing littler things like Blame Canada.
  • I’m a very tolerant man, except when it comes to holding a grudge.
  • Look at the walls of Pompeii. That’s what got the internet started.
  • Do you think God gets stoned? I think so . . . look at the platypus.
  • Never pick a fight with an ugly person, they’ve got nothing to lose.
  • Shakespeare said, “Kill all the lawyers.” There were no agents then.
  • Keith Richards is the only man who can make the Osbournes look Amish.
  • Before the Web, there was just one guy running around saying ‘I KNOW!’
  • Time is the best teacher. Unfortunately, it kills all of its students.
  • You’ll notice that Nancy Reagan never drinks water when Ronnie speaks.
  • Do you realize we’re only a heart attack away from Bush being president?
  • Do you think Adam said to Eve, ‘Back up, I don’t know how big this gets.
  • My religious background is that my mother is a Christian Dior Scientist.
  • If I could light my own farts I could fly to the moon or at least Uranus.
  • I wonder what chairs think about all day: “Oh, here comes another asshole.”
  • Is it rude to Twitter during sex? To go “omg, omg, wtf, zzz”? Is that rude?
  • You appreciate little things, like walks on the beach with a defibrillator.
  • Ballet: men wearing pants so tight that you can tell what religion they are.
  • Being a famous print journalist is like being the best-dressed woman on radio.
  • I had sex with a prostitute when I was 21, I was so bad, she gave me a refund.
  • Some are born great. Some achieve greatness. Some get it as a graduation gift.
  • You’ve got to give the guy some slack… he’s caught between Iraq and a hard-on.
  • I went to rehab [for alcoholism] in wine country, just to keep my options open.
  • Golf is a game where white men can dress up as black pimps and get away with it.
  • I feel like Adam when he said to Eve, “Back up, I don’t know how big this gets.”
  • The Second Amendment says we have the right to bear arms, not to bear artillery.
  • We had gay burglars the other night; they broke in and rearranged the furniture.
  • Politics: Poli a Latin word meaning many and tics meaning bloodsucking creatures.
  • When the media ask George W. Bush a question, he answers, ‘Can I use a lifeline?’
  • I’m an Episcopal, which is Catholic Lite. It’s like same religion, half the guilt.
  • People say satire is dead; it’s not dead; it’s alive and living in the White House.
  • Divorce, from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man’s genitals through his wallet.
  • Politics: Poli a Latin word meaning many; and “tics” meaning bloodsucking creatures.
  • It’s five o’clock in the morning. You’ve just pissed on a dumpster. It’s Miller time.
  • The Russians love Brooke Shields because her eyebrows remind them of Leonid Brezhnev.
  • If women ran the world we wouldn’t have wars, just intense negotiations every 28 days.
  • They say our mothers really know how to push our buttons – because they installed them
  • We Americans, we’re a simple people . . . but piss us off, and we’ll bomb your cities.
  • Canadian money is also called the loony. How can you take an economic crisis seriously?
  • The first time I ate organic whole-grain bread I swear it tasted like roofing material.
  • Politicians should wear sponsor jackets like Nascar drivers. Then we know who owns them.
  • Even evangelicals realize that Pinocchio’s father was a carpenter too. That’s the old joke.
  • When my friends and I played cowboys and Indians, I was always the Chinese railroad worker.
  • When the Williams sisters play tennis, it gets pretty hot. When they start grunting, I’m in.
  • When you create you get a little endorphin rush. Why do you think Einstein looked like that?
  • Golf is one of the few sports where a white man can dress like a black pimp and not look bad.
  • Compassionate conservative. I don’t know what that is, it sounds like a Volvo with a gun rack.
  • I play a lot of computer games. I love computer graphics. I’ve had Pixar in me for a long time.
  • The entire world will be in nuclear war, and only the Swiss will be going, ‘what’s that noise?’
  • Taking Viagra after open heart surgery is like a Civil War re-enactment with live ammo. Not good.
  • Ah, yes, divorce . . . from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man’s genitals through his wallet.
  • I had my back waxed once by two women… and at one point they said, Do you mind if we take a break?
  • My God, look at the size of this man! Quick! Tell the other villagers we’re going back to the boats!
  • I think Nancy does most of his talking; you’ll notice that she never drinks water when Ronnie speaks.
  • A friend is someone who listens to your bullshit, tells you that it’s bullshit, and listens some more.
  • See, the problem is that God gives men a brain and a penis, and only enough blood to run one at a time.
  • God gave men a penis and a brain, but unfortunately not enough blood supply to run both at the same time.
  • I had to stop drinking alcohol, because I used to wake up nude in front of my car with my keys in my ass.
  • You know the difference between a tornado and divorce in the south? Nothing! Someone is losing a trailer.
  • It’s great that we’ve got a compassionate conservative, but to me, that sounds like a Volvo with a gun rack.
  • You know, you get that tattoo of barbed wire when you’re 18, but by the time you’re 80, it’s a picket fence.
  • It’s great that we’ve got a compassionate conservative, but to me, that sounds like a Volvo with a gun rack.
  • The French don’t have a baseball team. And if they did, there’d only be a left field, and no one would be safe.
  • You could talk about same-sex marriage, but people who have been married (say) ‘It’s the same sex all the time.’
  • We were talking briefly about cocaine…yeah. Anything that makes you paranoid and impotent, give me more of that!
  • If women ran the world there would be no wars. However every 28 days there would be some very intense negotiations.
  • When you look at Prince Charles, don’t you think that someone in the Royal family knew someone in the Royal family?
  • And if you want a linguistic adventure, go drinking with a Scotsman. Cause you can’t fucking understand them before.
  • The human body was designed by a civil engineer. Who else would run a toxic waste pipeline through a recreational area ?
  • What is this demilitarized zone? Whatever it is, I like it! Gets you on your toes better than a strong cup of cappuccino.
  • You don’t need cocaine! There’s another way to get real high, and really mess your mind up, it’s called marathon running!
  • The Second Amendment! It says you have the right to bear arms, or the right to arm bears, whatever the hell you want to do!
  • Men may have wars, but women have their period. Men go off and kill each other, but women say nasty things, which is even better.
  • Being a functioning alcoholic is kind of like being a paraplegic lap dancer: You can do it, just not as well as the others, really.
  • I love running cross-country…You come up a hill and see two deer going, ‘What the hell is he doing?’ On a track I feel like a hamster.
  • Texting and driving at the same time is like jerking off and juggling at the same time. Too many balls in the air, if you catch my drift.
  • We have a president for whom English is a second language. He’s like ‘We have to get rid of dictators,’ but he’s pretty much one himself.
  • There are three things in this world that you need: respect for all kinds of life, a nice bowel movement on a regular basis, and a navy blazer.
  • They’re talking about partial nuclear disarmament, which is also like talking about partial circumcision – you either go all the way or forget it.
  • [Imitating a Frenchman] Fuck you Americans! Uncultured, crass Americans! We hate all of you! Fu- the Germans are here! Hello Americans! We love you!
  • A woman would never make a nuclear bomb. They would never make a weapon that kills, no, no. They’d make a weapon that makes you feel bad for a while.
  • Now you can’t even carry a nail clipper on a plane. Are they afraid you’re going to go…”All right! Give me the plane or the b*tch loses her cuticle.” ?
  • The Statue of Liberty is no longer saying, ‘Give me your poor, your tired, your huddled masses.’ She’s got a baseball bat and yelling, ‘You want a piece of me?’
  • In England, if you commit a crime, the police don’t have a gun and you don’t have a gun. If you commit a crime, the police will say ‘Stop, or I’ll say stop again.’
  • Okra is the closest thing to nylon I’ve ever eaten. It’s like they bred cotton with a green bean. Okra, tastes like snot. The more you cook it, the more it turns into string.
  • There’ll be cold fusion. We’ll actually be able to power our cars with our own feces. That’s right. The emissions problem will be a little intense, but just light a match.
  • Age makes you more confident. When you realize that it’s time now to just do things. When there’s not the pressure to perform on some level of expectations, there’s more to just explore.
  • When I was growing up they used to say, “Robin, drugs can kill you.” Now that I’m 58 my doctor’s telling me, “Robin, you need drugs to live.” I realize now that my doctor is also my dealer.
  • I was once on a German talk show, and this woman said to me, ‘Mr. Williams, why do you think there is not so much comedy in Germany?’ And I said, ‘Did you ever think you killed all the funny people?’
  • Some people say Jesus wasn’t Jewish. Of course he was Jewish. Thirty years old, single, lives with his parents, come on. He works in his father’s business, his mom thought he was God’s gift, he’s Jewish.
  • And some people say Jesus wasn’t Jewish. Of COURSE he was Jewish! 30 years old, single, lives with his parents, come on! He works in his father’s business, his mom thought he was God’s gift, he’s Jewish! Give it up!
  • Look at airport security now. What started out as definite racial profiling is now where the computer picks a name. That’s why you get a seven-month-old getting a pat down. [Imitates a security officer.] “Check the diapers. They’re full.”
  • A woman wouldn’t make a bomb that kills you. A woman would make a bomb that makes you feel bad for a while. That’s why there should be a woman President. There’d never be any wars, just every twenty-eight days there’d be very intense negotiations.
  • I walked into my son’s room the other day, and he’s got four screens going at the same time. He’s watching a movie on one screen, playing a game on another, downloading something on this one, texting on that one, people say “He’s got ADD.” Fuck that, he’s multitasking.
  • Here’s the best birth control in the whole world, if you really, if you have no pills, if you have no diaphragm, if you have no other form of contraception. Use it for ladies, if he comes at you with that little thing in his hand, just laugh at it. They can’t deal with it, OK, it’ll be gone.
  • Beer commercials usually show big men, manly men, doing manly things: “You’ve just killed a small animal. It’s time for a light beer.” Why not have a realistic beer commercial, with a realistic thing about beer, where someone goes, “It’s 5:00 in the morning. You’ve just pissed on a dumpster. It’s Miller time.”
  • And the French! The French have a bomb too! Maybe they have the Michelin Bomb- ah! Only destroys restaurants under four stars! They are the one of the only people that still test their bombs! Where do they do it? In the Sahara, in the total wasteland? No, fuck off! In Tahiti! In paradise. Why? Because we’re French. Oh, look, a Greenpeace boat coming to protest- fuck off, I sink you.
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Lines from movies

  • Make your life spectacular. I know I did. — Jack
  • To live… to live would be an awfully big adventure. — Peter Pan
  • A human life is just a heartbeat in heaven. — What Dreams May Come
  • We get to choose who we let into our weird little worlds. — Good Will Hunting
  • Our job is improving the quality of life, not just delaying death. — Patch Adams
  • Some men are born great; others have greatness thrust upon them. — Night at the Museum
  • No matter what anybody tells you, words and ideas can change the world. — Dead Poets Society
  • To be free. Such a thing would be greater than all the magic and all the treasures in all the world. — Aladdin
  • You will have bad times, but they will always wake you up to the stuff you weren’t paying attention to. — Good Will Hunting
  • You treat a disease, you win, you lose. You treat a person, I guarantee you, you’ll win, no matter what the outcome. — Patch Adams
  • You must strive to find your own voice because the longer you wait to begin, the less likely you are to find it at all. — Dead Poets Society
  • Well, good luck in the big city. If you can make it here, you can make it anywhere. And if you can’t make it here, welcome to the club. — Robots
  • I try to make sense of things. Which is why, I guess, I believe in destiny. There must be a reason that I am as I am. There must be. — Bicentennial Man
  • You know what music is? God’s little reminder that there’s something else besides us in this universe; harmonic connection between all living beings, everywhere even the stars. — August Rush
  • You’re not perfect, sport. And let me save you the suspense: This girl you met, she isn’t perfect either. But the question is whether or not you’re perfect for each other. That’s the whole deal — that’s what intimacy is all about. — Good Will Hunting
  • What’s wrong with death, sir? What are we so mortally afraid of? Why can’t we treat death with a certain amount of humanity and dignity, and decency, and God forbid, maybe even humor? Death is not the enemy, gentleman. If we’re going to fight a disease, let’s fight one of the most terrible diseases of all, indifference. — Patch Adams
  • You know, some parents, when they’re angry, they get along much better when they don’t live together. They don’t fight all the time, and they can become better people, and much better mummies and daddies for you. And sometimes they get back together. And sometimes they don’t, dear. And if they don’t, don’t blame yourself. Just because they don’t love each other anymore doesn’t mean that they don’t love you. There are all sorts of different families. — Mrs. Doubtfire
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Richard Pryor (quotes)

  • All humor is rooted in pain.
  • I wanna grow up and be a critic.
  • I believe in divine forces and energies.
  • Everyone carries around his own monsters.
  • Bitch was so fine I’d suck her daddy’s dick.
  • No, I’m not dying, and I sure… ain’t dead.
  • Friends take up time, and I didn’t have time.
  • I ain’t no movie star, man. I’m a booty star.
  • I’m not for integration and I’m not against it.
  • If I ain’t horny, I check to see if my heart’s beatin’.
  • I’m not addicted to coke, i just love the way it smells.
  • I became a performer because it was what I enjoyed doing.
  • I love show business. I wake up every morning and kiss it.
  • I don’t want to go through life as a Wonder Wheel murderer!
  • I’m not addicted to cocaine. I just like the way it smells.
  • Booty is just a ghetto expression, and I’m just a booty star.
  • I’m slower and some days are better than others, but I’m a fighter.
  • Crosses only scare vampires away because they’re allergic to bullshit.
  • He’s just always positive. He’s always smiling and he’s always trying.
  • I was a loner and never hung out with anyone. I never had any friends.
  • If you ask me about women’s lib, I say I don’t even know what that is.
  • I see people as the nucleus of a great idea that hasn’t come to be yet.
  • I don’t see myself getting married again, but if I do, it will be forever.
  • I don’t see myself getting married again, but if I do, it will be forever.
  • It’s been a struggle for me because I had a chance to be white and refused.
  • I had to stop drinkin, cuz I got tired of waking up in my car driving ninety.
  • Most people that you talk to, they’s intelligent. Like I said, “Most people.”
  • Marriage is really tough because you have to deal with feelings… and lawyers.
  • I had to stop drinking, ‘cause I got tired of waking up in my car driving ninety.
  • I think about dying. I’ve come to realize we all die alone in one way or another.
  • I went through every phone book in Africa, and I didn’t find one god damned Pryor!
  • I never met anybody who said when they were a kid, I wanna grow up and be a critic.
  • Now they’re calling taking drugs an epidemic – that’s cos white folks are doing it.
  • I’d like to make you laugh for about ten minutes though I’m gonna be on for an hour.
  • I’d like to make you laugh for about ten minutes though I’m gonna be on for an hour.
  • My grandmother used to discipline me, I mean, beat my ass, and I deserved them, too.
  • I know that if I wasn’t scared, something’s wrong, because the thrill is what’s scary.
  • I believe in the institution of marriage, and I intend to keep trying till I get it right.
  • A lie is profanity. A lie is the worst thing in the world. Art is the ability to tell the truth.
  • I’m for human lib, the liberation of all people, not just black people or female people or gay people.
  • I urge you to ask yourself just how honorable it is to preside over the abuse and suffering of animals.
  • If you want a friend, you don’t buy a friend, Eric, you earn a friend through love and trust and respect.
  • Even when I was a little kid, I always said I would be in the movies one day, and damned if I didn’t make it.
  • Have you ever noticed how quiet you get when you go in the woods? It’s almost like you know that God’s there.
  • I had some great things and I had some bad things. The best and the worst . . . In other words, I had a life.
  • But for the use of physical punishment by, and fear of their oppressors, animals would never be a part of a circus.
  • Movies are movies, and I don’t think any of them are going to hurt the moral fiber of America and all that nonsense.
  • I don’t want them hip white people coming up to me and calling me no n – – or telling me n – – jokes. I don’t like it.
  • I expected Dracula to come jumping out any second. If he did I’d have held up a cross, cause he’s allergic to bullshit.
  • I was kicked out of school because of my attitude. I was not assimilating. So I went to work, taking any jobs I could get.
  • I can’t just say the words, do a lot of one-liners. I love each person I play; I have to be that person. I have to do him true.
  • I was given two weeks to walk again, so I hooked up with a trainer, and he… had me walking. I’ll never forget that, it was grueling.
  • I bought my parents a home before they died, and they got to see that I was going to be all right. They always thought I would go someplace.
  • I won’t talk about what it was like in prison, except to say I’m glad I’m out and that I plan never to go back and to pay my taxes every day.
  • I went to Zimbabwe. I know how white people feel in America now; relaxed! Cause when I heard the police car I knew they weren’t coming after me!
  • A sold-out house my first night back. Do you have any idea what kinda pressure that is? I could have been at home in my warm bed, playing Nintendo.
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  • I’d like to die like my father died… My father died fucking. My father was 57 when he died. The woman was 18. My father came and went at the same time.
  • If I thought about it, I could be bitter, but I don’t feel like being bitter. Being bitter makes you immobile, and there’s too much that I still want to do.
  • I think about being married again, having a home and a wife. No one can ever be married too many times, and maybe if I keep trying I’ll get it right one day.
  • I believe the ability to think is blessed. If you can think about a situation, you can deal with it. The big struggle is to keep your head clear enough to think.
  • I live in racist America and I’m uneducated, yet a lot of people love me and like what I do, and I can make a living from it. You can’t do much better than that.
  • I just don’t want to die alone, that’s all. That’s not too much to ask for, is it It would be nice to have someone care about me, for who I am, not about my wallet.
  • In March I had a minor heart attack while I was vacationing in Australia. it scared me, but it was nothing compared to what someone had in store for me down the road.
  • Hawaii is the best form of comfort for me. When I die, I want to be cremated, and I want half my ashes spread in the Pacific around the island, the rest on the property.
  • Imagine people calling you to find out if you’re dead. I’ve led a real crazy life at times, and I’ve had many strange things happen to me, but that was one of the strangest.
  • I realized this is what God has dealt me, and I should be thankful considering all that’s happened to me in my life, but MS caused the movies to stop – stop dead – and I miss it.
  • Let me tell you what really happened… Every night before I go to bed, I have milk and cookies. One night I mixed some low-fat milk and some pasteurized, then I dipped my cookie in and the shit blew up.
  • It’s so much easier for me to talk about my life in front of two thousand people than it is one-to-one. I’m a real defensive person, because if you were sensitive in my neighborhood you were something to eat.

 

Jerry Seinfeld (quotes)

About comedy

  • Success is the enemy of comedy.
  • The Four Levels of Comedy: Make your friends laugh, Make strangers laugh, Get paid to make strangers laugh, and Make people talk like you because it’s so much fun.
  • The whole object of comedy is to be yourself and the closer you get to that, the funnier you will be.
  • The hardest thing in comedy is to have the biggest laugh at the end, and it’s the most satisfying thing.
  • Comedy is just complaining in an entertaining way, Enterplaining.
  • Well, all comedy starts with anger. You get angry, and its never for a good reason, right? You know its not a good reason. And then you try and work it from there.
  • The greatest thing about being a comedian is knowing other comedians. And you get to talk to them. Its the most fun.
  • You know, crankiness is at the essence of all comedy.
.

On a lighter note

  • The best revenge is living well.
  • I am speechless: I have no speech
  • Yes, freckles’ ugly cousin.
  • Economy is essential to all good art.
  • I love advertising because I love lying.
  • I love the day date. No wine, no shower.
  • Maybe if we lie down our brains will work.
  • All I ever wanted to do is make people laugh.
  • You know why fish are so thin? They eat fish.
  • You’ll fold faster than Superman on laundry day
  • If someone’s lying, are their pants really on fire
  • People who read the tabloids deserve to be lied to.
  • There is no such thing as fun for the whole family.
  • I had a dream last night that a hamburger was eating me.
  • People on dates shouldn’t even be allowed out in public.
  • Boy, I miss the days they made toys that could kill a kid.
  • Sex to save the friendship? Well if we have to we have to.
  • I can’t eat chicken and look at strippers at the same time.
  • In my world, the wronger something feels, the righter it is.
  • I don’t return fruit. Fruit’s a gamble. I know that going in.
  • I prefer the old theaters because the audience is… trapped.
  • Folks who go through the tabloids ought to have to be lied to.
  • Men don’t care what’s on TV. They only care what else is on TV.
  • She said I wasn’t sponge-worthy. Wouldn’t waste a sponge on me.
  • Sometimes the road less traveled is less traveled for a reason.
  • Comedy is just complaining in an entertaining way, Enterplaining.
  • That’s why breakups take two or three times- to build up immunity.
  • The IRS! They’re like the Mafia, they can take anything they want!
  • When you look annoyed all the time, people think that you’re busy.
  • I think it’s funny to be delicate with subjects that are explosive.
  • I wonder if illiterate people get the full effect of alphabet soup?
  • If I want a long, boring story with no point to it, I have my life.
  • Work is the least important thing and family is the most important.
  • People have an infinite attention span if you are entertaining them.
  • After you get a job and before you have to do it. Nothing beats that.
  • I love how you just make coffee and then somehow something gets done.
  • I wonder is illiterate people know the full meaning of alphabet soup?
  • Cry when you get a Golden Globe. Then you can get an Oscar nomination.
  • People don’t turn down money! It’s what separates us from the animals.
  • There’s more to life than making shallow, fairly obvious observations.
  • When you interrupt, you’ve stopped listening. People need to be heard.
  • Writer’s block is a phony, made up, BS excuse for not doing your work.
  • Having fun is a very particular skill. And not everyone has that skill.
  • Men like a ref decision because they just want to get back to the game.
  • Do you think it’s effeminate for a man to put clothes in a gentle cycle?
  • People don’t just bump into each other and have sex. This isn’t Cinemax.
  • I admire the hell out of her. You can’t have sex with someone you admire.
  • If people would only look to the cookie, all our problems would be solved.
  • Fatherhood makes you cute. Women find bumbling fathers cute and attractive.
  • Your blessing in life is when you find the torture you’re comfortable with.
  • A really hard laugh is like sex-one of the ultimate diversions of existence.
  • Having a 2 year old is like having a blender that you don’t have the top for.
  • I’m in the unfortunate position of having to consider other people’s feelings
  • I don’t want to hear the specials. If they’re so special, put ’em on the menu.
  • If every instinct you have is wrong, then the opposite would have to be right.
  • Make no mistake about why these babies are here – they are here to replace us.
  • What’s the deal with lampshades? I mean if it’s a lamp, why do you want shade?
  • There’s a tremendous power and energy in sharing your life with another person.
  • A chef who doesn’t wash his hands is like a cop who steals. It’s a cry for help.
  • A two-year-old is kind of like having a blender, but you don’t have a top for it.
  • That’s the true spirit of Christmas; people being helped by people other than me.
  • There is nothing more rewarding than completing a goal you have set for yourself.
  • To me, if life boils down to one thing, it’s movement. To live is to keep moving.
  • I was the best man at the wedding… If I’m the best man, why is she marrying him?
  • If you go to a bad movie, it’s two hours. If you’re in a bad movie, it’s two years.
  • Did you know that the original title for War and Peace was War, What Is It Good For?
  • My parents didn’t want to move to Florida, but they turned sixty and that’s the law.
  • Most people, you do a TV series, it ends three, four, five years later; it’s a relic.
  • On the side of box of my superman costume it actually said – ‘Do not attempt to fly!’
  • There’s no way that moving in with your parents is a sign that your life is on track.
  • Ever noticed that no matter what happens in one day, it exactly fits in the newspaper?
  • I have a nice bookshelf in my office, but not my house. I’m crass, but not that crass.
  • I love a good nap. Sometimes it’s the only thing getting me out of bed in the morning.
  • What’s the point of dating without games? How do you know if you’re winning or losing?
  • When someone does a small task beautifully, their whole environment is affected by it.
  • No encounter, mouth open up … that is how the drug businesses see the general public.
  • Pay attention; don’t let life go by you. Fall in love with the back of your cereal box.
  • Who goes on vacation without a job? What do you need a break from getting up at eleven?
  • A bookstore is one of the only pieces of evidence we have that people are still thinking.
  • And that’s when I realized, when you’re a kid you don’t need a costume, you ARE superman.
  • Introducing ‘Lite’: the new way to spell ‘Light’; but with twenty per cent fewer letters.
  • I can’t go to a bad movie by myself. What, am I gonna make sarcastic remarks to strangers?
  • Everybody lies about sex. People lie during sex. If it weren’t for lies, there’d be no sex.
  • I like to try anything… You have to do the experiments to find out what the formulas are.
  • I’ll tell you one thing, since I’m married, single people look absolutely ridiculous to me.
  • If you’ve got a bloodstain on your T-shirt, maybe dirty laundry isn’t your biggest problem.
  • I like any cereal. I like the idea of just eating and drinking with one hand without looking.
  • Once you start doing only what you’ve already proven you can do, you’re on the road to death.
  • It’s hard to do nothing because you tend to do something and then you have to drop everything.
  • Sex, that’s meaningless, I can understand that, but dinner; that’s heavy. That’s like an hour.
  • Twitter is good. Why say a lot to a few people when you can say virtually nothing to everyone?
  • Well, sometimes we do actually have to get up early, but a man will always trade sleep for sex.
  • Of course, everyone wants to be healthy. The amusing thing is no one’s really sure how to do it.
  • I’ve compiled a book from the Internet. It’s a book of quotations attributed to the wrong people.
  • How long do you have to wait for a guy to come out of a coma before you ask his ex-girlfriend out?
  • Sometimes I think more creativity is put into muffin recipes than into the rest of society combined.
  • Hey! What’s the deal with decaf? How do they get the caffeine out of there and then where does it go?
  • I always did well on the essay questions. Just put everything you know on there, maybe you’ll hit it.
  • I’ve been car crazy my whole life, since I was nine years old. It’s just something I’m very aware of.
  • You know how your charger for your phone? It’s like if you had a charger for your whole body and mind
  • Just what is the handicapped parking situation at the Special Olympics? Is it still just the two spaces?
  • Why do I always have the feeling that everybody’s doing something better than me on Saturday afternoons?
  • Nothing in life is fun for the whole family. There are no massage parlors with ice cream and free jewelry.
  • Why is it illegal to park in a handicapped parking space but okay to go the bathroom in a handicapped stall?
  • There’s no downside to fame and people who whine about it make me sick. It’s the greatest thing in the world.
  • The big advantage of a book is that it’s very easy to rewind. Close it and you’re right back at the beginning.
  • I have no plants in my house. They won’t live for me. Some of them don’t even wait to die, they commit suicide.
  • I like staying in hotels. I like their tiny soap. I like to pretend it’s regular-sized and my muscles are huge.
  • If airline seat cushions are such great flotation devices, why don’t you ever see anyone take one to the beach?
  • It’s amazing that the amount of news that happens in the world every day always just exactly fits the newspaper.
  • The padded outfits, the bad scripts, the phony-looking sets… he dealt with it all. He had to. He was Superman.
  • You know you’re getting old when you get that one candle on the cake. It’s like, ‘See if you can blow this out.’
  • The less you know about a field, the better your odds. Dumb boldness is the best way to approach a new challenge.
  • The peak of being a fan is a hotdog and a beer and a seat at the game. There’s nothing above that. Nothing above it.
  • What could possess anyone to throw a party? I mean, to have a bunch of strangers treat your house like a hotel room.
  • Where lipstick is concerned, the important thing is not color, but to accept God’s final word on where your lips end.
  • Women go after doctors like men go after models. They want someone with knowledge of the body. We just want the body.
  • I mean, she’s giving and caring and genuinely concerned about the welfare of others. I can’t be with someone like that.
  • Celebrity is no different from any other energy. It’s a force for good or evil. It’s no different from money. It’s power.
  • Being a good husband is like being a good stand-up comic – you need ten years before you can even call yourself a beginner.
  • You can tell what was the best year of your father’s life, because they seem to freeze that clothing style and ride it out.
  • I won’t do something unless I can get at least two or three good laughs out of it. If I can’t, it’s not gonna make the team.
  • Magazines are another medium I love, because 95% is simply based on ‘How the hell are we going to fill all this blank space?
  • We got the hot fudge on the bottom…. that allows you to control the fudge distribution while you’re eating your ice cream.
  • What’s the deal with Ovaltine? It comes in a round container, you put it in a round glass, why don’t they call it Roundtine?
  • Men want the same thing from their underwear that they want from women: a little bit of support, and a little bit of freedom.
  • When men are growing up and they’re reading about Batman, Spiderman, Superman … those are not fantasies … they’re options.
  • Why would you want to work for a living if you could just joke around? Being a celebrity expands your commercial possibilities.
  • The first real thought that I had of something that I might do was to write for car magazines, because I always had a car thing.
  • I think that you think that a certain something is not all that it could be, when, in fact, it is all that it should be, and more!
  • Looking at cleavage is like looking into the sun. You don’t stare at it. It’s too risky. You get a sense of it, then you look away.
  • The advice I would give [the younger me]—or any young person—would be “Keep your head up in failure and your head down in success.”
  • Looking at cleavage is like looking at the sun. You don’t stare at it, it’s too risky. You get a sense of it and then you look away.
  • The only way a show works is you find people who you think are qualified and talented and you give them a chance to do what they do.
  • The greatest Jewish tradition is to laugh. The cornerstone of Jewish survival has always been to find humor in life and in ourselves.
  • If you want to make a person feel better after they sneeze, you shouldn’t say ‘God bless you.’ You should say, ‘You’re so good looking!
  • What is it about sleep that makes you so thirsty? Do dreams require liquid? It’s not like I’m running a marathon, I’m just lying there.
  • Why does McDonald’s have to count every burger that they sell? What is their ultimate goal? Do they want cows to surrender voluntarily?
  • I will never understand the bathrooms in this country. Why is it that the doors on the stalls do not come all the way down to the floor?
  • The truth is, I had always wanted to be a comedian, but I really didn’t have that kind of personality, and it’s a terrifying thing to say.
  • I’ll tell you what the big advantage of homosexuality is: if you’re going out with someone your size, right there you double your wardrobe.
  • Hey! So what’s the deal with brunch? I mean that if it’s a combination of breakfast and lunch, how comes there’s no ‘lupper’ or no ‘linner’?
  • Our good time is sitting in a coffee shop with a newspaper, writing a line on the back of a napkin. That is the most fun comedians ever have
  • Hey, how come people don’t have dip for dinner? Why is it only a snack, why can’t it be a meal, you know? I don’t understand stuff like that.
  • There is no more embarrassing thing in my life than the fact that I have actually uttered the phrase, ‘I would like to order the Ginsu Knife.’
  • What is this obsession people have with books? They put them in their houses like they’re trophies. What do you need it for after you read it?
  • What is this obsession people have with books? They put them in their houses—like they’re trophies. What do you need it for after you read it?
  • Anyone who would laugh at a recital is probably some sort of lunatic anyway. I mean, only a sick, twisted mind could be that rude and ignorant.
  • Dogs have no money. Isn’t that amazing? They’re broke their entire lives. But they get through. You know why dogs have no money? .. No Pockets.
  • I feel like humor is the answer to everything. If you have a little bit of humor in the shaker and you can sprinkle that on, that’s your answer.
  • I can walk through a hotel lobby and watch people at the desk and see what they’re doing. People don’t look at me. They don’t even know I’m there.
  • I think vacations are mostly completely stupid. Going to have coffee with a friend, you’re probably going to have more fun than if you go to Aruba.
  • See, the thing of it is, there’s a lot of ugly people out there walking around but they don’t know they’re ugly because nobody actually tells them.
  • There are more social skills required to talk one-on-one [than to an audience]. You don’t have to be socially fluid to talk to two thousand people.
  • We sold ‘Seinfeld’ all over the world but it was a very specific kind of show. In some countries it went down really well, in others they hated it.
  • Breaking up is like knocking over a Coke machine. You can’t do it in one push; you got to rock it back and forth a few times, and then it goes over.
  • Men, as an organization, are getting more women than any other group working anywhere in the world. Wherever women are, we have men looking into it.
  • We’re all trying to get to the same island — whether you swim, fly, surf, or skydive, it doesn’t matter. What matters is when the red light goes on.
  • Pain is usually represented by lightning attacking the guy. Glowing redness is also popular. Sometimes parts of the guy would just burst into flames.
  • What’s with this weird hotel custom of leaving a piece of chocolate on the pillow? I awoke thinking my brain had hemorrhaged some sort of fecal matter.
  • Marriage is like a game of chess except the board is flowing water, the pieces are made of smoke and no move you make will have any effect on the outcome.
  • Actually, the only memory I have of being a Cub Scout was trying to get my hat back. That was all I did. Run back and forth at my bus stop going “Quit it.”
  • The Beatles created something that never trailed off. What a gift that was to their fans. If you’re into the Beatles, you loved them from beginning to end.
  • What I don’t understand is how women can pour hot wax on their bodies, let it dry, then rip out every single hair by its root and still be scared of spiders.
  • I’d like to do one of those jumps they do in the movies; in a car, over a bridge, in the air with a huge explosion. It would be a final moment of entertainment.
  • You don’t even really need a place. But you feel like you’re doing something. That is what coffee is. And that is one of the geniuses of the new coffee culture.
  • It’s like having… you know, your phone has a charger, right? It’s like having a charger for your whole body and mind. That’s what Transcendental Meditation is!
  • I have a problem with that silver medal. It’s like, ‘Congratulation s, you almost won. Of all the losers, you’re the number one loser. No one lost ahead of you.’
  • It’s like having… you know, your phone has a charger, right? It’s like having a charger for your whole body and mind. That’s what Transcendental Meditation is!
  • That’s the most comfortable place for me. In the beginning, yes, I was nervous going on stage. I was not a natural performer. I really had to acquire that skill.
  • I wrote an article on a new Porsche for ‘Automobile Magazine.’ I knew the editor, and she asked me to write this article. So I’m more proud of that than anything.
  • The Four Levels of Comedy: Make your friends laugh, Make strangers laugh, Get paid to make strangers laugh, and Make people talk like you because it’s so much fun.
  • If professional wrestling did not exist, could you come up with this idea? Could you envision the popularity of huge men in tiny bathing suits, pretending to fight?
  • A movie is kind of like being the captain of a ship, which is nice, but when I perform by myself it’s just surfing on the water and nobody really knows what happens.
  • For people on my side of the cubicle, the goal is always creativity. Spending your time overcoming corporate resistance to creativity – I just don’t want to do that.
  • So let me get this straight. You find yourself in the kitchen. You see an éclair in the receptacle… and you think to yourself: “What the hell, I’ll just eat some trash.”
  • I’ll tell you what I like about Chinese people: they’re hanging in there with the chop sticks, aren’t they? You know they’ve seen the fork. They’re staying with the sticks.
  • I’d rather be dating the blind. You know you could let the house go. You could let yourself go. A good-looking blind woman doesn’t even know you’re not good enough for her.
  • The truth is, the family is much more creatively nourishing because you’re playing on a full keyboard. Whereas when you’re single, you’re just playing the upbeat jazzy tunes.
  • I do not know why anyone would host an awards show. No matter how unbelievably well you do at it, the only thing that can happen is you get asked again to host an awards show.
  • Artists are always looking for new things and fresh ground and fresh air. If it feels new to me, there’s a chance it’ll feel new to the audience and we’ll have found something.
  • Yeah, like Bizarro Superman, Superman’s exact opposite, who lives in the backwards Bizarro world. Up is down, down is up, he says hello when he leaves, goodbye when he arrives.
  • I am so busy doing nothing… that the idea of doing anything – which as you know, always leads to something – cuts into the nothing and then forces me to have to drop everything.
  • My wife is funny. And I dabble in it. So being funny is big around our house. But what’s surprised me is my daughter can do an English accent. I don’t know how she learned this.
  • Surveys show that the #1 fear of Americans is public speaking. #2 is death. That means that at a funeral, the average American would rather be in the casket than doing the eulogy.
  • I see TV ads about detergents that can get blood stains out of your cloths. I say if you have blood stains on your cloths you should be thinking about something other than laundry.
  • We want to do a lot of stuff; we’re not in great shape, we didn’t get a good night’s sleep, we’re a little depressed. Coffee solves all these problems in one delightful little cup.
  • Have you ever seen that guy who has the record for fattest man in the world? Bob Hughes, the fattest man in the world… 1400 pounds. Ladies and gentlemen, the man has let himself go.
  • I have a problem with the strip that runs along the bottom of the news programs. Don’t these idiots who run the news programs know we don’t want to read? That’s why we’re watching TV.
  • This is one of my big things of creative pursuits. You have your idea you want to do, but then you got to figure out what does this thing want to be? You got to let it lead you a little.
  • Timmy: You dipped the chip. You took a bite. And you dipped again. That’s like putting your whole mouth right in the dip! From now on, when you take a chip — just take one dip and end it. 
  • I wish I was a phone machine. I wish if I saw somebody on the street I didn’t want to talk to I could just go, “Excuse me, I’m not here right now, If you just leave a message, I can walk away.”
  • See, you know how to take the reservation, you just don’t know how to hold the reservation and that’s really the most important part of the reservation, the holding. Anybody can just take them.
  • You know the message you’re sending out to the world with sweatpants? You’re telling the world: ‘I give up. I can’t compete in normal society. I’m miserable, so I might as well be comfortable.’
  • Everybody in New York City knows there’s way more cars than parking spaces. You see cars driving in New York all hours of the night. Its like musical chairs except everybody sat down around 1964.
  • Why is it when you turn on the TV you see ads for telephone companies, and when you turn on the radio you hear ads for TV shows, and when you get put on hold on the phone you hear a radio station?
  • There’s very little advice in men’s magazines, because men don’t think there’s a lot they don’t know. Women do. Women want to learn. Men think, ‘I know what I’m doing, just show me somebody naked.’
  • There’s very little advice in men’s magazines, because men don’t think there’s a lot they don’t know. Women do. Women want to learn. Men think, “I know what I’m doing, just show me somebody naked.”
  • When you’ve been in the business 5-years, as a person, it’s like you’re 5-years old – like a child. 10-years and you’re 10-years old, 20… Etcetera. That’s how I measure maturity in this industry.
  • Why do people give each other flowers? To celebrate various important occasions, they’re killing living creatures? Why restrict it to plants? ‘Sweetheart, let’s make up. Have this deceased squirrel.
  • You know the message you’re sending out to the world with these sweatpants? You’re telling the world, ‘I give up. I can’t compete in normal society. I’m miserable, so I might as well be comfortable.
  • TV commercials now show you how detergents take out bloodstains, a pretty violent image there. I think if you’ve got a T-shirt with a bloodstain all over it, maybe laundry isn’t your biggest problem.
  • Let’s face it: a date is a job-interview, that lasts all night. The only difference between a date and a job interview is: not many job-interviews is there a chance you’ll end up naked at the end of it.
  • What evidence is there that cats are so smart, anyway? Huh? What do they do? Because they’re clean? I am sorry. My Uncle Pete showers four times a day and he can’t count to ten. So don’t give me hygiene.
  • You know why dogs have no money? No pockets. ‘Cause they see change on the street all the time and it’s driving them crazy. When you’re walking them, he is always looking up at you. “There’s a quarter….”
  • Isn’t it weird that we drink milk, stuff designed to nourish baby cows? How did THAT happen? Did some cattleman once say, “Oh, man, I can’t wait till them calves are done so I can get ME a hit of that stuff.”
  • Have you ever noticed how they keep improving your laundry detergent, but they still can’t get those blue flakes out? Why do we trust them to get our clothes clean? These guys can’t even get the DETERGENT white!
  • I don’t even care about cops. I wanna see more garbage men. It’s much more important. All I wanna see are garbage trucks, garbage cans and garbage men. You’re never gonna stop crime, we should at least be clean.
  • Golf is the ultimate avoidance activity for the dysfunctional dad. A game so nonsensically difficult, so pointless, so irrationally time consuming, the word golf itself can only stand for ‘Get Out, Leave Family.’
  • I will never understand why they cook on TV. I can’t smell it. Can’t eat it. Can’t taste it. The end of the show they hold it up to the camera, ‘Well, here it is. You can’t have any. Thanks for watching. Goodbye.’
  • Fear of success is one of the new fears I’ve heard about lately. And I think its definitely a sign that we’re running out of fears. A person suffering from fear of success is scraping the bottom of the fear barrel.
  • I hate the waiting room. Because it’s called the waiting room, there’s no chance of not waiting. It’s built, designed, and intended for waiting. Why would they take you right away when they’ve got this room all set up?
  • I love advertising because I love lying. I think spending your life trying to dupe innocent people out of hard-won earnings to buy useless, low-quality, misrepresented items and services is an excellent use of your energy.
  • There [are] just two things I’d need to find out everything I want to know about everyone: 1) Let me see them drive; 2) let me hear them talk about marriage … That’s going to tell me exactly your relationship to the world.
  • All of a sudden it hit me, I realised what the problem is: I can’t be with someone like me. I hate myself! If anything, I need to get the exact opposite of me. It’s too much. It’s too much, I can’t take it. I can’t take it…
  • You know I have been issued a public urination pass by the city because of my condition. Unfortunately, my little brother ran out of the house with it this morning. Him and his friends are probably peeing all over the city.
  • People don’t think of their office as a workplace anymore. They think of it as a stationary store with Danish. You want to get your pastry, your envelopes, your supplies, your toilet paper, six cups of coffee, and you go home.
  • There is no such thing as an attention span. There is only the quality of what you are viewing. This whole idea of an attention span is, I think, a misnomer. People have an infinite attention span if you are entertaining them.
  • Having done quite a bit with studios and networks, I thought if I’m going to do something new and unformed, it would be fun to do it in a completely new space and place. The space being the Internet and the place being Crackle.
  • The toughest nights when I was a young, unknown comedian were opening for these real old-time Italian singers. I’m like Grace Jones to them. “This guy is nuts-talking about socks. Where’s the wife jokes, where’s the fat jokes?”
  • It reminds me of like this pathetic friend that everybody had when they were a little kid who would let you borrow any of his stuff if you would just be his friend. That’s what the library is. A government funded pathetic friend.
  • People should get married because they have finally seen the folly of being single: “Oh, this is all just kind of a bad magic trick. I just keep bending over to reach for this wallet on a string. How much longer am I gonna do that?”
  • The blessing in life is when you find the torture you are comfortable with. That’s marriage, it’s kids, it’s work, it’s exercise. Find the torture you’re comfortable with and you’ll do well. You’ve mastered that, you’ve mastered life.
  • If aliens are watching us through telescopes, they’re going to think the dogs are the leaders of the planet. If you see two life forms, one of them’s making a poop, the other one’s carrying it for him, who would you assume is in charge?
  • The worst thing about television is that everybody you see on television is doing something better than what you’re doing. You never see anybody on TV just sliding off the front of the sofa, with potato chip crumbs all over their shirt.
  • I read that the number one fear of the average person is [public] speaking … Number two was death. To me, that means that, to the average person, if you were going to be at a funeral, you would rather be in the casket than doing the eulogy.

 

  • Now they show you how detergents take out bloodstains, a pretty violent image there. I think if you’ve got a T-shirt with a bloodstain all over it, maybe laundry isn’t your biggest problem.Maybe you should get rid of the body before you do the wash.
  • Sometimes they’ll make little Play-Doh animals, and when they go to sleep, I’ll break the heads off the animals and put them at the foot of their beds for them to discover in the morning. Nothing wrong with sending your kids a little Sicilian message.
  • I was in the drug store the other day trying to get a cold medication…Not easy. There’s an entire wall of products you need. You stand there going,”Well, this one is quick acting but this is long lasting…Which is more important, the present or the future?”
  • What would the world be like if people said whatever they were thinking, all the time, whenever it came to them? How long would a blind date last? About 13 seconds, I think. Oh, sorry, your rear end is too big. That’s ok, your breath stinks anyway. See you later.
  • Dogs want to be people. That’s what their lives are about. They don’t like being a dog. They’re with people all the time, they want to graduate. My dog would sit there all day, he would watch me walk by, he would think to himself, “I could do that! He’s not that good.
  • To me a lawyer is basically the person that knows the rules of the country. We’re all throwing the dice, playing the game, moving our pieces around the board, but if there’s a problem, the lawyer is the only person that has actually read the inside of the top of the box.
  • I once had a leather jacket that got ruined in the rain. Why does moisture ruin leather? Aren’t cows outside a lot of the time? When it’s raining, do cows go up to the farmhouse, “Let us in! We’re all wearing leather! Open the door! We’re going to ruin the whole outfit here!”
  • And I’ll tell ya, I’m really enjoying this marriage thing. You think about each other. You care about each other. It’s wonderful! Plus, I love saying ‘my wife.’ Once I started saying it, I couldn’t stop – ‘my wife’ this, ‘my wife’ that…it’s an amazing way to begin a sentence.
  • This is really a crazy idea, you know. It probably won’t work, but that will be interesting, too. You have to motivate yourself with challenges. That’s how you know you’re still alive. Once you start doing only what you’ve already proven you can do, you’re on the road to death.
  • So the first time you hear the concept of Halloween when you’re a kid your brain can’t even process the information. You’re like: “What is this? What did you say?” “What did you say about giving out candy? Who’s giving out candy?” “Everyone that we know is just giving out candy!”
  • They seal the subway change-booth guy up inside this thing with bullet-proof glass, closed in on all sides, it’s like some kind of Houdini torture tank of doom. How do you breathe in there? It looks like if you put your hand over the change slot, you could suffocate him in thirty seconds.
  • Have you ever noticed that the waiter who takes your order is not the one who brings your food anymore? What is THAT about? And which waiter are you tipping, anyway? I think next time I go to a restaurant I’ll just say, “Oh, sorry, I only eat the food. The guy who pays the bill will be along shortly.”
  • A recent survey stated that the average person’s greatest fear is having to give a speech in public. Somehow this ranked even higher than death which was third on the list. So, you’re telling me that at a funeral, most people would rather be the guy in the coffin than have to stand up and give a eulogy.
  • Seems to me the basic conflict between men and women, sexually, is that men are like firemen. To men, sex is an emergency, and no matter what we’re doing we can be ready in two minutes. Women, on the other hand, are like fire. They’re very exciting, but the conditions have to be exactly right for it to occur.
  • Sometimes you can do certain things on stage, or even in a TV series, and people see the look on your face and they know what you mean, so you can get away with certain things. But if you can’t create that look on an animated character, which is essentially a puppet, the line will hit the audience in a very bad way.
  • Why does that pharmacist have to be two and a half feet higher than everybody else? Who the hell is this guy? “Clear out, everybody. I’m working with pills up here. I’m taking them from this big bottle and then I’m gonna put them in the little bottle. That’s my whole job. I can’t be down on the floor with you people.”
  • What’s the worst movie you ever saw in the theater? by Caitlin PenzeyMoog, William Hughes, Laura Adamczyk, Alex McLevy, Clayton Purdom, Sam Barsanti, Gwen Ihnat, Sean O’Neal, Esther Zuckerman, Katie Rife, Erik Adams, A.A. Dowd, Josh Modell, Danette Chavez, Kevin Pang, and Nick Wanserski, www.avclub.com. April 14, 2017.
  • I’ll tell you one of the great activities is skateboarding. To learn to do a skateboard trick, how many times do you gotta get something wrong til you get it right? …And you hurt yourself, and you learn to do that trick, now you got a life lesson. Every time I see those skateboard kids, I think ‘those kids’ll be alright.’
  • Did you ever notice, when you are sitting at a red light, that when the person in front of you pulls up a couple of inches, you are compelled to move up too? Do we really think we are making progress toward our destination? “Whew, I thought we would be late, but now that I am nine inches closer, I can stop for coffee and a danish!”
  • Then, finally, the third year, begging the parents, I got the Superman Halloween costume. Cardboard box, self-made top, mask included. Remember the rubber band on the back of that mask? That was a quality item there, wasn’t it? That was good for about 10 seconds before it snapped out of that cheap little staple they put it in there with.
  • Cremation has become the most popular form of burial in the United States… People used to want a big, thick granite stone, their names carved into with a chisel. “I was here dammit!” Cremation is like you’re trying to cover up a crime. “Burn the body. Scatter the ashes around. As far as anyone’s concerned this whole thing never happened.”
  • Kids don’t say, “Wait.” They say, “Wait up, hey wait up!” Because when you’re little, your life is up. The future is up. Everything you want is up. “Hold up. Shut up! Mum, I’ll clean up. Let me stay up!” Parents, of course, are just the opposite. Everything is down. “Just calm down. Slow down. Come down here! Sit down. Put… that… down.”
  • Let’s face it, the human body is like a condominium apartment. The thing that keeps you really enjoying it is the maintenance. There’s a tremendous amount of daily, weekly, monthly and yearly work that has to be done. From showering to open heart surgery, we’re always doing something to ourselves. If your body was a used car, you wouldn’t buy it.
  • The best piece of advice I received before I got married was, “Be careful what you say when you’re in a fight, because it could stick in someone’s head.” I don’t think I’ve ever said anything I really regretted. I’m very sympathetic to women. I’ve really studied wife-ology, and I know you’ve got to figure out the feelings. Deal with the feelings.
  • What is the story with the airport sinks, that they will not give us a twist-on twist-off human faucet. “Is it that too risky for the human population? We have to do the one-handed pain-in-the-ass Alcatraz-style faucets. “What is it they think we will do? Turn ’em all on full, run out into the parking lot, laughing, pushing each other into the bushes?
  • They have the greeting cards with the couples on the front. They photograph them. These hazy focus people. They’re always having picnics. There’s always a tree, a pond… who are these people? I don’t know them. I don’t want them on my card either. What am I going to write inside there anyway? “Here’s another couple having a better relationship than us.”
  • I had a parakeet that used to fly around the house and crash into these huge mirrors my mother put in. Ever heard of this interior design principle, that a mirror makes it seem like you have an entire other room? What kind of jerk walks up to a mirror and goes, Hey look, there’s a whole other room in there. There’s a guy that looks just like me in there.
  • You know what I never get with the limo? The tinted windows. Is that so people don’t see you? Yeah, what a better way not to have people notice you than taking a thirty foot Cadillac with a TV antenna and a uniformed driver. How discreet. Nobody cares who’s in the limo. You see a limo go by, you know it’s either some rich jerk or fifty prom kids with $1.75 each.
  • One day I was watching these construction workers go back to work. I was watching them kind of trudging down the street. It was like a revelation to me. I realized these guys don’t want to go back to work after lunch. But they’re going. That’s their job. If they can exhibit that level of dedication for that job I should be able to do the same. Trudge your ass in.
  • The Swiss have an interesting army. Five hundred years without a war. Pretty impressive. Also pretty lucky for them. Ever see that little Swiss Army knife they have to fight with? Not much of a weapon there. Corkscrews, Bottle openers. ‘Come on, buddy, let’s go. You get past me, the guy in back of me, he’s got a spoon. Back off. I’ve got the toe clippers right here.
  • I have a friend who’s collecting unemployment insurance. This guy has never worked so hard in his life as he has to keep this thing going. He’s down there every week, waiting on the lines and getting interviewed and making up all these lies about looking for jobs. If they had any idea of the effort and energy that he is expending to avoid work, I’m sure they’d give him a raise.
  • Well, birthdays are merely symbolic of how another year has gone by and how little we’ve grown. No matter how desperate we are that someday a better self will emerge, with each flicker of the candles on the cake, we know it’s not to be, that for the rest of our sad, wretched pathetic lives, this is who we are to the bitter end. Inevitably, irrevocably; happy birthday? No such thing.
  • The Olympics is my favourite sporting event. Although I have a problem with that silver medal. When you think about it, you win the gold – you feel good, you win the bronze – you think, ‘Well at least I got something’. But when you win silver, it’s like, ‘Congratulations, you ‘almost’ won. Of all the losers, you came in first of that group. You’re the number one ‘loser.’ No one lost ahead of you.
  • There are many things you can point to as proof that the human is not smart. But my personal favorite would have to be that we needed to invent the helmet. What was happening, apparently, was that we were involved in a lot of activities that were cracking our heads. We chose not to avoid doing those activities but, instead, to come up with some sort of device to help us enjoy our head-cracking lifestyles.
  • Any day you had gym class was a weird school day. It started off normal. You had English, Social Studies, Geometry, then suddenly your in Lord of the Flies for 40 minutes. Your hanging from a rope, you have hardly any clothes on, teachers are yelling at you, kids are throwing dodge balls at you and snapping towels – you’re trying to survive. And then it’s Science,Language, and History. Now that is a weird day.
  • The idea behind the tuxedo is the woman’s point of view that men are all the same; so we might as well dress them that way. That’s why a wedding is like the joining together of a beautiful, glowing bride and some guy. The tuxedo is a wedding safety device, created by women because they know that men are undependable. So in case the groom chickens out, everybody just takes one step over, and she marries the next guy.
  • The luge is the only Olympic event where you could have people competing in it against their will, and it would look exactly the same. Take people off the street, ‘Hey, hey, hey, what is this?! I don’t wanna be in the luge!’ Once you put that helmet on them, ‘You’re in the luge, buddy!’ ‘aaaAAAaaaAAAaaaAAA… aaaAAAAA…’ World record. Didn’t even wanna do it. I’d like to see that next Olympics, the Involuntary Luge.
  • I think the answer is we all need a little help, and the coffee’s a little help with everything — social, energy, don’t know what to do next, don’t know how to start my day, don’t know how to get through this afternoon, don’t know how to stay alert. We want to do a lot of stuff; we’re not in great shape. We didn’t get a good night’s sleep. We’re a little depressed. Coffee solves all these problems in one delightful little cup.
  • I was in front of an ambulance the other day, and I noticed that the word ambulance was spelled in reverse print on the hood of the ambulance. And I thought, Well, isn’t that clever. I look in the rear-view mirror; I can read the word ambulance behind me. Of course while you’re reading, you don’t see where you’re going, you crash. You need an ambulance. I think they’re trying to drum up some business on the way back from lunch.
  • A dog will stay stupid. That’s why we love them so much. The entire time we know them, they’re idiots. Think of your dog. Every time you come home, he thinks it’s amazing. He has no idea how you accomplish this every day. You walk in the door; the joy of this experience overwhelms him. He looks at you, He’s back. It’s that guy, that same guy. He can’t believe it. Everything is amazing to your dog. Another can of food? I don’t believe it.
  • Life is truly a ride. We’re all strapped in and no one can stop it. When the doctor slaps your behind, he’s ripping your ticket and away you go. As you make each passage from youth to adulthood to maturity, sometimes you put your arms up and scream, sometimes you just hang on to that bar in front of you. But the ride is the thing. I think the most you can hope for at the end of life is that your hair’s messed, you’re out of breath, and you didn’t throw up.
  • Why is commitment such a big problem for a man? I think that for some reason when a man is driving down that freeway of love, the woman he’s with is like an exit, but he doesn’t want to get off there. He wants to keep driving. And the woman is like, “Look, gas, food, lodging, that’s our exit, that’s everything we need to be happy… Get off here, now!” But the man is focusing on the sign underneath that says, “Next exit 27 miles,” and he thinks, “I can make it.”
  • We know the product is going to stink. We know that because we live in the world, and we know that everything stinks. We all believe, Hey, maybe this one wont stink. We are a hopeful species. Stupid but hopeful. But were happy in that moment between the commercial and the purchase. And I think spending your life trying to dupe innocent people out of hard-won earnings to buy useless, low-quality, misrepresented items and services is an excellent use of your energy.
  • Why is McDonalds still counting? How insecure is this company? 40 million, 80 billion million jillion killion tillion… who cares? Is anyone really impressed by that any more? Ooh, 89 billion sold? All right, I’ll have one! I’m satisfied! I’d like to tell the CEO of McDonalds, “Look. We all get it, okay? You’ve sold a lot of hamburgers. Whatever the number is, just put up a sign, ‘McDonalds: We’re Doing Very Well.’ We are tired of hearing about every goddamn one of them.”
  • Some of the events in the Olympics don’t make sense to me. I don’t understand the connection to any reality… Like in the Winter Olympics they have that biathlon that combines cross-country skiing with shooting a gun. How many alpine snipers are into this? Ski, shoot a gun… ski, bang, bang, bang… It’s like combining swimming and strangling a guy. Why don’t we have that? That makes absolutely as much sense to me. Just put people in the pool at the end of each lane for the swimmers.
  • With any kind of physical test, I don’t know what it is, I always seem to get competitive. Remember when you were in school and they’d do those hearing tests? And you’d really be listening hard, you know? I wanted to do unbelievable on the hearing test. I wanted them to come over to me after and go, ‘We think you may have something close to super-hearing. What you heard was a cotton ball touching a piece of felt. We’re sending the results to Washington, we’d like you to meet the President.’
  • What causes homophobia? What is it that makes the heterosexual man worry about this? I think it’s because deep down all men know that we have weak sales resistance. We’re constantly buying shoes that hurt us, pants that don’t fit right. Men think, ‘Obviously I can be talked into anything. What if I accidentally wander into some sort of homosexual store thinking it’s a shoe store and the salesmen says, ‘Just hold this guy’s hand, walk around a little bit, see how it feels. No obligation, no pressure, just try it.’

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Quotes from The Seinfeld show

  • Elaine: Can you die from an odour? I mean, like if you were locked in a vomitorium for two weeks, could you actually die from the odour?
  • Elaine: What evidence is there that cats are so smart, anyway? Huh? What do they do? Because they’re clean? I am sorry. My Uncle Pete showers four times a day and he can’t count to ten. So don’t give me hygiene. Seinfeld TV show
  • Elaine: Ugh, I hate people. Jerry: Yeah, they’re the worst. Seinfeld TV show
  • George on the benefits of mental institutions: “I should be in a place like this. You get to wear slippers all day. Friends visit. They pity you. Pity is very underrated. I like it, it’s good. Plus, they give you those word association tests. I love those. Seinfeld TV show
  • George, on women wanting ‘bad boys’: “Why is nice bad? What kind of a sick society are we living in when nice is bad?” Seinfeld TV show
  • George: Divorce is very difficult. Especially on a kid. Of course, I’m the result of my parents having stayed together, so you never know. Seinfeld TV show
  • George: Don’t insult me, my friend. Remember who you’re talking to. No one’s a bigger idiot than me. Seinfeld TV show
  • George: Hey believe me, baldness will catch on. When the aliens come, who do you think they’re gonna relate to? Who do you think is going to be the first ones getting a tour of the ship? Seinfeld TV show
  • George: I can’t die with dignity. I have no dignity. I want to be the one person who doesn’t die with dignity. I live my whole life in shame. Why should I die with dignity? Seinfeld TV show
  • George: I can’t stand kids. Adults think it’s so wonderful how honest kids are. I don’t need that kind of honesty. I’ll take a deceptive adult over an honest kid any day. Seinfeld TV show
  • George: I can’t carry a pen. I’m afraid I’ll puncture my scrotum. Seinfeld TV show
  • George: I love a good nap. Sometimes it’s the only thing getting me out of bed in the morning. Seinfeld TV show
  • George: I think if one’s going to kill oneself, the least you could do is leave a note—it’s common courtesy. I don’t know, that’s just the way I was brought up. Seinfeld TV show
  • George: I will never understand the bathrooms in this country. Why is it that the doors on the stalls do not come all the way down to the floor? Seinfeld TV show
  • George: I’d rather be dating the . You know you could let the house go. You could let yourself go. A good-looking blind woman doesn’t even know you’re not good enough for her. Seinfeld TV show
  • George: I’m much more comfortable criticizing people behind their backs. Seinfeld TV show
  • George: This woman hates me so much, I’m starting to like her. Seinfeld TV show
  • George: What am I scared of? I’m scared of the same thing that you are, everything. Seinfeld TV show
  • George: Yeah, I’m a great quitter. It’s one of the few things I do well. I come from a long line of quitters. My father was a quitter, my grandfather was a quitter. I was raised to give up. Seinfeld TV show
  • George: “I gotta call Elaine.”Jerry: “She’s out.”George: “Oh, yeah. The blind date.”Jerry: “They call it a ‘setup’, now. I guess the blind people don’t like being associated with all those losers.” Seinfeld TV show
  • George: “She calls me up at my office. She says, ‘We have to talk.’”Jerry: “Ugh. The four worst words in the English language.”George: “That or ‘Whose bra is this?’”Jerry: “That’s worse.” Seinfeld TV show
  • George: “You’re gonna over-dry your laundry.”Jerry: “You can’t over-dry.”George: “Why not?”Jerry: “Same reason you can’t over-wet.” Seinfeld TV show
  • George: “Why do they make the condom packets so hard to open?” Jerry: “Probably to give the woman a chance to change her mind.” Seinfeld TV show
  • George: I’ve never assisted in a birth before. It’s really quite disgusting. Seinfeld TV show
  • Jerry, on bad food choices: “Salad! What was I thinking? Women don’t respect salad eaters.” Seinfeld TV show
  • Jerry, on public displays of affection: “People on dates shouldn’t even be allowed out in public.” Seinfeld TV show
  • Jerry: “This isn’t a good time.”Telemarketer: “When would be a good time to call back, sir?”Jerry: “I have an idea, why don’t you give me your home number and I’ll call you back later?”Telemarketer: “Umm, we’re not allowed to do that.”Jerry: “Oh, I guess because you don’t want strangers calling you at home. Well, now you know how I feel.” Seinfeld TV show
  • Jerry: “You’re on a desert island, you can bring five books. Which five do you take?” George: “I gotta read five books?” Seinfeld TV show
  • Kramer, on cultural differences: “See, here, you’re just another apple, but in Japan, you’re an exotic fruit. Like an orange. Which is rare there. Seinfeld TV show
  • Kramer, on male self-pleasure: “We have to do it. It’s part of our lifestyle. It’s like, uh… shaving.” Seinfeld TV show
  • Kramer: Moles — freckles’ ugly cousin. Seinfeld TV show
  • Kramer: Oh, understudies are a very shifty bunch. The substitute teachers of the theatre world. Seinfeld TV show
  • Kramer: They don’t have a decent piece of fruit at the supermarket. The apples are mealy, the oranges are dry. I don’t know what’s going on with the papayas! Seinfeld TV show
  • Kramer: You know what would make a great coffee table book? A coffee table book about coffee tables! Seinfeld TV show
  • Kramer: “You’re wasting your life.”George: “I am not. What you call wasting, I call living. I’m living my life.”Kramer: “OK, like what? No, tell me. Do you have a job?”George: “No.”Kramer: “You got money?”George: “No.”Kramer: “Do you have any action at all?”George: “No.”Kramer: “Do you have any conceivable reason for even getting up in the morning?”George: “I like to get the Daily News.” Seinfeld TV show
  • Kramer: “You wouldn’t last a day in the army!” Jerry: “Well how long did you last?” Kramer: “Well, that’s classified.” Seinfeld TV show
  • Kramer: Boxers! How do you wear these things!! They’re baggin’ up, they’re rising in! And there’s nothing holding me in place! I’m flippin’! I’m floppin’! Seinfeld TV show
  • Kramer: You know, I got a great idea for a cologne. ‘The Beach’. You spray it on and you smell like you just came home from the beach. Seinfeld TV show

Ronald Reagan (quotes)

  • I’m not smart enough to lie.
  • I hope you’re all Republicans.
  • I’m a sucker for hero worship.
  • The future belongs to the free.
  • If you think you can – you can!
  • There are no degrees of honesty.
  • Now, I happen to be an optimist.
  • Please tell me you’re Republicans.
  • One picture is worth 1,000 denials.
  • Gorbachev, tear down this wall!
  • Without a vision the people perish.
  • If you’re explaining, you’re losing.
  • Don’t be afraid to see what you see.
  • How can a president not be an actor?
  • America’s best days are yet to come.
  • How could an actor become president?
  • Where there’s liberty, art succeeds.
  • If not us, who? And if not now, when?
  • I usually never walk by a microphone.
  • Cars don’t cause pollution, trees do.
  • I spoke to ears that refused to hear.
  • America is too great for small dreams.
  • An informed patriotism is what we want.
  • I don’t have too much time for fiction.
  • What does an actor know about politics?
  • Doverey, no proverey – Trust but verify.
  • Every new day begins with possibilities.
  • Excellence does not begin in Washington.
  • The current tax code is a daily mugging.
  • People do not make wars; governments do.
  • You and I have a rendevous with destiny.
  • People don’t start wars, governments do.
  • As government expands, liberty contracts.
  • This administration is totally colorblind.
  • America is to great to dream small dreams.
  • … a faceless mass, waiting for handouts.
  • Evil is powerless if the good are unafraid.
  • I believe the best social program is a job.
  • We have every right to dream heroic dreams.
  • We fought a war on poverty, and poverty won
  • Through you, we feel as giants, once again.
  • The Federal Reserve is answerable to no one.
  • You get a little stir crazy during the week.
  • … the moral equal of our Founding Fathers.
  • Information is the oxygen of the modern age.
  • Bureaucracy is adept at protecting its nest.
  • A nation without borders is no nation at all.
  • If the family goes, so goes our civilization.
  • Man is not free unless government is limited.
  • A stronger defense is an investment in peace.
  • The District of Columbia is one gigantic ear.
  • I like photographers-you don’t ask questions.
  • Regimes planted by bayonets do not take root.
  • Fascism was really the basis for the New Deal.
  • Please assure me that you are all Republicans.
  • State problems should involve state solutions.
  • We may be the generation that sees Armageddon.
  • We are never defeated unless we give up on God.
  • We must act today in order to preserve tomorrow
  • There is a limit to what you can do in politics.
  • Church and state are, and must remain, separate.
  • Well, I think there has to be some (gun) control.
  • If you’ve seen one redwood, you’ve seen them all.
  • A people free to choose will always choose peace.
  • I am an environmentalist. … I am for clean air.
  • I’m just a citizen temporarily in public service.
  • Poverty is a career for lot’s of well paid people
  • There is purpose and worth to each and every life.
  • Life is one grand, sweet song, so start the music.
  • Entrepreneurs are the forgotten heroes of America.
  • Self-defense is not only our right; it is our duty.
  • If it takes a bloodbath now let’s get it over with.
  • The future is best decided by ballots, not bullets.
  • There are worse things to be called than a dreamer.
  • The more the plans fail, the more the planners plan.
  • Hope remains the highest reality, the age-old power.
  • Latinos are Republican. They just don’t know it yet.
  • This crime against humanity must never be forgotten.
  • The best social reform program in the world is a job.
  • We can’t help everyone, but everyone can help someone.
  • Are you better off today than you were four years ago?
  • Here’s my strategy on the Cold War: we win, they lose.
  • No government ever voluntarily reduces itself in size.
  • A tree’s a tree. How many more do you need to look at?
  • Form and Substance are opposite ends of the same coin.
  • Spending on the military doesn’t increase the deficit.
  • Terrorism is the preferred weapon of weak and evil men.
  • All great change in America begins at the dinner table.
  • Status quo, you know, is Latin for ‘the mess we’re in’.
  • The United Sates has much to offer the third world war.
  • Government does not solve problems; it subsidizes them.
  • Without God, democracy will not and cannot long endure.
  • Without God, democracy cannot and will not long endure.
  • I’d like to harness their youthful energy with a strap.
  • Concentrated power has always been the enemy of liberty.
  • Government Steals from the needy and gives to the greedy
  • Everywhere we go, Nancy makes the world a little better.
  • I would have voted against the Civil Rights Act of 1964.
  • I think we should keep the grain and export the farmers.
  • It’s just too bad we can’t have an epidemic of botulism.
  • What is important is that one strives to achieve a goal.
  • You’d be surprised how much being a good actor pays off.
  • I want to talk about political and economic fairy tales.
  • A nation that cannot control its borders is not a nation.
  • Nothing lasts longer than a temporary government program.
  • This generation may be the one that will face Armageddon.
  • America is still an eagle, and she’s ready to soar again.
  • I miss going to church, but I think the Lord understands.
  • Facts are stupid things ¬ó stubborn things, I should say.
  • The greatest security for Israel is to create new Egypts.
  • America is, and always will be, a shining city on a hill.
  • Americans are hungering to feel proud and patriotic again.
  • The very heart and soul of conservatism is libertarianism.
  • Government always finds a need for whatever money it gets.
  • Trust the people — that is the crucial lesson of history.
  • I’ll be like Scarlett O’Hara-I’ll think about it tomorrow.
  • America’s best days lie ahead. You ain’t seen nothing yet.
  • If we love our country, we should also love our countrymen.
  • Why should the government subsidize intellectual curiosity?
  • We should never fear to negotiate, nor negotiate from fear.
  • What would this country be without this great land of ours.
  • There is no security, no safety, in the appeasement of evil.
  • We intend to keep the peace – we will also keep our freedom.
  • Eighty percent of air pollution comes from plants and trees.
  • We meant to change a nation, and instead, we changed a world.
  • America has never gotten in a war because we were too strong.
  • There is nothing wrong with America that Americans can’t fix.
  • If politics were a musical, it would be “Promises, Promises”.
  • Unemployment insurance is a pre-paid vacation for freeloaders.
  • I won’t hold my opponent’s youth and inexperience against him.
  • The best way to get over a dog’s death is to get another soon.
  • I know I’m not in government anymore. In fact I’m out of work.
  • Democracy is not a fragile flower; still it needs cultivating.
  • Freedom is never more than one generation away from extinction.
  • Governments tend not to solve problems, only to rearrange them.
  • America needs jobs and opportunity, not make-work and handouts.
  • Marijuana is probably the most dangerous drug in America today.
  • Let us ask ourselves; “What kind of people do we think we are?”
  • The time has come to turn to God and reassert our trust in Him.
  • The family has always been the cornerstone of American society.
  • I wasn’t a great communicator, but I communicated great things.
  • The criminal element now calculates that crime really does pay.
  • Her many achievements will be appreciated more as time goes on.
  • When you can’t make them see the light, make them feel the heat.
  • I don’t believe in a government that protects us from ourselves.
  • One of mankind’s problems is we keep committing the same errors.
  • We can’t socialize the doctors without socializing the patients.
  • Government is not the answer to the problem – it IS the problem.
  • Individual liberty depends upon keeping government under control.
  • We the people tell the government what to do, it doesn’t tell us.
  • We can not play innocents abroad in a world that is not innocent.
  • I know that for America there will always be a bright dawn ahead.
  • Coersion, after all, merely captures man. Freedom captivates him.
  • I notice that everbody who is Pro-Abortion already has been born.
  • The joke in our family is that we can cry reading the phone book.
  • Violence has been Nicaragua’s most important export to the world.
  • I didn’t leave the Democratic party; the Democratic party left me.
  • They [The Soviet Union] are the focus of evil in the modern world.
  • The closest thing to eternal life on earth is a Government Program
  • Our liberty springs from and depends upon an abiding faith in God.
  • We now know that inflation results from all that deficit spending.
  • I have decided that whatever time I may have left is left for Him.
  • It’s time that we recognized that ours was in truth a noble cause.
  • In this springtime of hope, some lights seem eternal; America’s is.
  • The Bible can touch our hearts, order our minds, refresh our souls.
  • George Burns . . . the only man I know who does fool Mother Nature.
  • Before I refuse to take your questions, I have an opening statement.
  • Never let the things you can’t do, stop you from doing what you can.
  • Abortion is advocated only by persons who have themselves been born.
  • Cold, hungry, scared as hell inside, but too damn brave to admit it.
  • I’ve noticed that everyone who is for abortion has already been born.
  • Government is not the solution, but rather the cause of our problems.
  • I was alarmed at my doctor’s report: He said I was sound as a dollar.
  • We need more Democrats in the Senate -Like Custer needed more arrows.
  • There are simple answers to the nation’s problems, but not easy ones.
  • Government’s first duty is to protect the people, not run their lives.
  • Government is not a solution to our problem government is the problem.
  • I notice that all of the people who support abortion are already born.
  • There is a mandate to impose a voluntary return to traditional values.
  • Even now I wonder what I might have accomplished if I’d studied harder
  • If more government is the answer, then it was a really stupid question.
  • Presidents come and go. History comes and goes, but principles endure.
  • One of the worst mistakes anybody can make is to bet against Americans.
  • If there’s one thing the American people aren’t lacking, it is courage.
  • My basic rule is that I want people who don’t want a job in government.
  • [Andrew Jackson] was actually 70 years old when he left the White House
  • Either you will control your government, or government will control you.
  • The future doesn’t belong to the light-hearted. It belongs to the brave.
  • Those who have known freedom and then lost it, have never known it again
  • If it’s to be a bloodbath, let it be now. Appeasement is not the answer.
  • These gentlemen are the moral equivalents of America’s founding fathers.
  • There was a time when “sound as a dollar” was a description, not a joke.
  • Our reluctance for conflict should not be misjudged as a failure of will.
  • Do what’s right and you’ll please some of the people and astound the rest.
  • You can‚Äôt tax business. Business doesn‚Äôt pay taxes. It collects taxes.
  • Politics is, for me, forgive and -as you may have heard- sometimes forget.
  • Wherever a beautiful soul has been there is a trail of beautiful memories.
  • Freedom is one of the deepest and noblest aspirations of the human spirit.
  • I have only one thing to say to the tax increasers: Go ahead, make my day.
  • I believe Moses was 80 when God first commissioned him for public service.
  • I never drink coffee at lunch. I find it keeps me awake for the afternoon.
  • I don’t know why anyone would want to study the expansion of the universe.
  • Hayek is amongst the top 2-3 of the all the people who ever influenced me.
  • Surround yourself with great people; delegate authority; get out of the way
  • America was founded by people who believe that God is their Rock of safety.
  • Where free unions and collective bargaining are forbidden, freedom is lost.
  • Yes, the cost is high, but the price of neglect would be infinitely higher.
  • If adults want to take such chances (with marijuana) that is their business
  • When cruelty is inflicted on innocent people, it discredits whatever cause.
  • We didn’t discover our values in a poll taken a week before the convention.
  • The state of California has no business subsidizing intellectual curiosity.
  • A bird on a tether, no matter how long the rope, can always be pulled back.
  • Stick to your dreams and determine that you’re going to make them come true.
  • I am very proud to be called a pig. It stands for pride, integrity and guts.
  • It’s true hard work never killed anybody, but I figure, why take the chance?
  • Going to college offered me the chance to play football for four more years.
  • Detente – isn’t that what a farmer has with his turkey – until Thanksgiving?
  • I am not worried about the deficit. It is big enough to take care of itself.
  • Don’t let the doom criers and the cynics persuade you that the best is past.
  • A drastic reduction in the deficit…will take place in the fiscal year ’82.
  • Within the covers of the Bible are the answers for all the problems men face.
  • We maintain the peace through our strength; weakness only invites aggression.
  • You can tell alot about a fellow’s character by his way of eating jellybeans.
  • The best social program is a productive job for anyone who’s willing to work.
  • We must have faith in the people of this country and faith in our principles.
  • One way to make sure crime doesn’t pay would be to let the government run it.
  • They say the world has become too complex for simple answers. They are wrong.
  • If you put it on the table as a bargaining chip, it becomes a bargaining chip
  • I believe now, as I alway have, that America’s strength is in ‘We the People.’
  • The thought of being President frightens me and I do not think I want the job.
  • All the waste in a year from a nuclear power plant can be stored under a desk.
  • We seek the elimination one day of nuclear weapons from the face of the Earth.
  • Wearing love beads and touting our sincerity will not make this a safer world.
  • Live simply, love generously, care deeply, speak kindly, leave the rest to God.
  • I think the presidency is an institution over which you have temporary custody.
  • Bobby Kennedy is so concerned with poverty because he didn’t have any as a kid.
  • The most confident person in any transaction ALWAYS introduces themselves first.
  • Some years ago, the federal government declared war on poverty, and poverty won.
  • Freedom is the right to question and change the established way of doing things.
  • We’re the party that wants to see an America in which people can still get rich.
  • We’ve got to teach history based not on what’s in fashion, but what’s important.
  • The man who puts into the marriage only half of what he owns will get that out.
  • The best view of big government is in the rearview mirror as we leave it behind.
  • Baseball is our national pastime, that is if you discount political campaigning.
  • But I also happen to be someone who believes in tithing–the giving of a tenth .
  • Permanent brain damage is one of the inevitable results of the use of marijuana.
  • Gorbachev, tear down this wall. And get a massage – you look really stressed
  • . . . Government should do only those things the people cannot do for themselves.
  • Of the four wars in my lifetime, none came about because the U.S. was too strong.
  • To say Congress is spending like drunken sailors is an insult to drunken sailors.
  • The United States trades more with the province of Ontario alone than with Japan.
  • The best minds are not in government. If any were, business would steal them away.
  • We are forever indebted to those who have given their lives that we might be free.
  • Show me an executive that works long hard hours and I’ll show you a bad executive.
  • Economists are people who wonder if what works in reality can also work in theory.
  • In this new world economy, national boundaries are increasingly becoming obsolete.
  • If we get the federal government out of the classroom, maybe we’ll get God back in.
  • A hippie is someone who looks like Tarzan, walks like Jane and smells like Cheetah.
  • If you want more of something, subsidize it; if you want less of something, tax it.
  • You know, if Nancy Davis hadn’t come along when she did, I would have lost my soul.
  • Heroes may not be braver than anyone else. They’re just braver five minutes longer.
  • While I take inspiration from the past, like most Americans, I live for the future.
  • Let us not forget who we are. Drug abuse is a repudiation of everything America is.
  • Money can’t buy happiness, but it will certainly get you a better class of memories.
  • I have a feeling that we are doing better in the war than the people have been told.
  • No matter what time it is, wake me, even if it’s in the middle of a Cabinet meeting.
  • The purpose of America is to unleash the full talent and genius of every individual.
  • A recession is when your neighbor loses his job. A depression is when you lose yours.
  • It’s not that liberals aren’t smart, it’s just that so much of what they know isn’t so
  • Many a man has failed because he had his wishbone where his backbone should have been.
  • Here you discover that so long as books are kept open, then minds can never be closed.
  • I favor the Civil Rights Act of 1964 and it must be enforced at gunpoint if necessary.
  • When I’ve heard all I need to make a decision, I don’t take a vote. I make a decision.
  • To do whatever needs to be done to preserve this last and greatest bastion of freedom.
  • Balancing your budget is like protecting your virtue. You have to learn when to say no.
  • The person who pays an ounce of principle for a pound of popularity gets badly cheated.
  • We don’t celebrate dependence day on the Fourth of July. We celebrate Independence Day.
  • If we ever forget that we are One Nation Under God, then we will be a nation gone under.
  • Today, if you invent a better mousetrap, the government comes along with a better mouse.
  • Freedom prospers when religion is vibrant and the rule of law under God is acknowledged.
  • Tyranny, like fog in the well known poem, often creeps in silently ‘on little cat feet.’
  • If you can’t summarize an issue on one page, you don’t understand the issue well enough.
  • Anybody from any corner of the world can come to America to live and become an American.
  • Freedom prospers only where the blessings of God are avidly sought, and humbly accepted.
  • You know, it was only a generation ago that actors couldn’t be buried in the churchyard.
  • There’s no question I am an idealist, which is another way of saying ‘I am an American.’
  • I know all the bad things that happened in that war. I was in uniform four years myself.
  • You can achieve anything in politics provided that you let someone else take the credit.
  • There is no limit to the amount of good you can do if you don’t care who gets the credit.
  • If we lose freedom here, there is no place to escape to. This is the last stand on earth.
  • Peace is not absence of conflict, it is the ability to handle conflict by peaceful means.
  • Liberals are people who think that being tough on crime means longer suspended sentences.
  • We can have peace and brotherly love by accepting our responsibility to preserve freedom.
  • We will remain steady. We will pursue every avenue in the search for peace and stability.
  • It should be the right of the individual to decide whether he wants to belong to a union.
  • The [Carter] administration doesn’t know the difference between a diplomat and a doormat.
  • Today we did what we had to do. They counted on America to be passive. They counted wrong.
  • Love your country, not for her power or wealth, but for her selflessness and her idealism.
  • History teaches that war begins when governments believe the price of aggression is cheap.
  • My golf-loving friend Bob Hope asked me what my handicap was, so I told him – the Congress.
  • Greatest gift is human life and that we have a duty to protect the life of an unborn child.
  • I’ve often said there’s nothing better for the inside of a man than the outside of a horse.
  • Someone told me it was a round thing that gobbles up money. I thought that was Tip O’Neill.
  • The federal government did not create the states; the states created the federal government.
  • Today, the world looks to America for leadership. And America looks to its Corps of Marines.
  • The time has come to match outgo to income, instead of always doing it the other way around.
  • We will never disarm any American who seeks to protect his or her family from fear and harm.
  • My dream is to see the day when nuclear weapons will be banished from the face of the Earth.
  • Welfare’s purpose should be to eliminate, as far as possible, the need for its own existence.
  • I do not want to go back to the past; I want to go back to the past way of facing the future.
  • Preservation of our environment is not a liberal or conservative challenge, it’s common sense.
  • Everyone is a liberal until they have something to conserve. Then they become a conservative.
  • Once people who have been deprived of basic freedom taste a little of it, they want all of it.
  • Let us renew our faith that as free men and women we still have the power to better our lives.
  • Elena, my four year old, says to me in all seriousness; “Mommy, you need to buy another baby”.
  • If I’d gotten the job I wanted at Montgomery Ward, I suppose I would never have left Illinois.
  • I thought the function of the government was to promote the general welfare, not to provide it.
  • I’m not a politician by profession. I am a citizen who decided I had to be personally involved.
  • You can’t be for big government, big taxes and big bureaucracy and still be for the little guy.
  • When those who are governed do too little, those who govern can – and often will – do too much.
  • There were so many candidates on the platform that there were not enough promises to go around.
  • Double – no, triple – our troubles and we’d still be better off than any other people on earth.
  • If history teaches anything, it teaches self-delusion in the face of unpleasant facts is folly.
  • Work and family are at the center of our lives, the foundation of our dignity as a free people.
  • We should measure welfare’s success by how many people leave welfare, not by how many are added.
  • No nation in history has ever survived a tax burden that reached a third of its national income.
  • Piling up material goods cannot fill the emptiness of lives which have no confidence or purpose.
  • Government can and must provide opportunity, not smother it; foster productivity; not stifle it.
  • The torch of liberty is hot; warms those who hold it high; burns those who try to extinguish it.
  • A strong American economy is essential to the well-being and security of our friends and allies.
  • Those who say that we’re in a time when there are no heroes, they just don’t know where to look.
  • Environmental extremists … wouldn’t let you build a house unless it looked like a bird’s nest.
  • God, the source of all knowledge, should never have been expelled from our children’s classrooms.
  • I don’t think any of us should forget that the security of America is our highest responsibility.
  • Young Americans must never again be sent to fight and die unless we are prepared to let them win.
  • I feel that the whole Western World will benefit by the resurrection of the neutron bomb project.
  • In America, our origins matter less than our destination, and that is what democracy is all about.
  • With freedom goes responsibility, a responsibility that can only be met by the individual himself.
  • May every day be a new beginning, and every dawn bring us closer to that shining city upon a hill.
  • If we listen to our hearts, believe in ourselves, and pull together, nothing can stand in our way.
  • The crew of the space shuttle Challenger honored us by the manner in which they lived their lives.
  • Inflation is as violent as a mugger, as frightening as an armed robber and as deadly as a hit man.
  • For too long, the victims of crime have been the forgotten persons of our criminal justice system.
  • This country was founded and built by people with great dreams and the courage to take great risks.
  • Freedom is not the sole prerogative of a chosen few, but the universal right of all God’s children.
  • Christmas is a holiday that we celebrate not as individuals nor as a nation, but as a human family.
  • The true lesson of the Vietnam War is: certainty of purpose and ruthlessness of execution win wars.
  • I do not feel betrayed. … He has a fine record. He is a national hero. (On Oliver L North’s work)
  • For the eight years I was president I never let my dream of a nuclear-free world fade from my mind.
  • The most terrifying words in the English language are: I’m from the government and I’m here to help.
  • The problem is not that people are taxed too little, the problem is that government spends too much.
  • When you start talking about government as ‘we’ instead of ‘they,’ you have been in office too long.
  • When the lives of the unborn are snuffed out, they often feel pain, pain that is long and agonizing.
  • If history teaches anything, it teaches that self-delusion in the face of unpleasant facts is folly.
  • In Hollywood, as I’ve often said, if you don’t sing or dance, you end up as an after-dinner speaker.
  • These young Americans sent a message to terrorists everywhere. . . . You can run but you can’t hide.
  • Republicans believe every day is the Fourth of July, but the democrats believe every day is April 15.
  • Some people wonder all their lives if they’ve made a difference. The Marines don’t have that problem.
  • Governments don’t control things. A government can’t control the economy without controlling people.
  • You can never underestimate the ability of the Democrats to wet their finger and hold it in the wind.
  • It’s hard, when you’re up to your armpits in alligators, to remember you came here to drain the swamp.
  • For the average American, the message is clear. Liberalism is no longer the answer. It is the problem.
  • It’s difficult to believe that people are still starving in this country because food isn’t available.
  • Perhaps no custom reveals our character as a Nation so clearly as our celebration of Thanksgiving Day.
  • Growing and decaying vegetation in this land are responsible for 93 percent of the oxides of nitrogen.
  • There are no limits to growth and human progress when men and women are free to follow their dreams.
  • I think maybe there could be some restrictions that there had to be a certain amount of training taken.
  • One of the traditional methods of imposing statism or socialism on a people has been by way of medicine.
  • We will always remember. We will always be proud. We will always be prepared, so we will always be free.
  • I’m no linguist, but I have been told that in the Russian language, there isn’t even a word for freedom.
  • We will never recognize the true value of our own lives until we affirm the value in the life of others.
  • Isn’t it interesting that all of those people who support the choice of abortion have already been born?
  • Simple fairness dictates that government must not raise taxes on families struggling to pay their bills.
  • Through the history of our nation, Americans have always extended their hands in gestures of assistance.
  • The person who agrees with you 80 percent of the time is a friend and an ally – not a 20 percent traitor.
  • Free enterprise is a rough and competitive game. It is a hell of a lot better than a government monopoly.
  • By working together, pooling our resources and building on our strengths, we can accomplish great things.
  • From my mother I learned the value of prayer, how to have dreams and believe I could make them come true.
  • My doctors told me this morning my blood pressure is down so low that I can start reading the newspapers.
  • Free enterprise has done more to reduce poverty than all the government programs dreamed up by Democrats.
  • But the simple truth is that we’ve lost control of our own borders, and no nation can do that and survive.
  • You know, by the time you reach my age, you’ve made plenty of mistakes if you’ve lived your life properly.
  • Outside of its legitimate function, government does nothing as well or economically as the private sector.
  • The size of the federal budget is not an appropriate barometer of social conscience or charitable concern.
  • I have left orders to be awakened at any time during national emergency, even if I’m in a cabinet meeting.
  • In a world wracked by hatred, economic crisis, and political tension, America remains mankind’s best hope.
  • I’ve heard drug experts say they believe if penicillin were discovered today, the FDA wouldn’t license it.
  • We are going to put an end to the notion that the American taxpayer exists to fund the Federal Government.
  • When I took the oath of office, I pledged loyalty to only one special interest group – ‚ÄòWe the people‚Äô.
  • The nine most terrifying words in the English language are “I’m from the government, and I’m here to help.”
  • I believe the highest aspiration of man should be individual freedom and the development of the individual.
  • For an America of wisdom that honors the family, knowing that if the family goes, so goes our civilization.
  • I’m spending more time at this library in four days than I did at the Eureka College Library in four years.
  • Nations do not distrust each other because they are armed. They are armed because they distrust each other.
  • Our tax policy is engineered by people who view tax as a means of achieving changes in our social structure.
  • Democracy is worth dying for, because it’s the most deeply honorable form of government ever devised by man.
  • We know that this mad dog of the Middle East has a goal of a world revolution. (On Muammar Qaddafi of Libya)
  • If no one among us is capable of governing himself, then who among us has the capcity to govern someone else.
  • Unless bureaucracy is constantly resisted, it breaks down representative government and overwhelms democracy.
  • For the first time ever, everything is in place for the Battle of Armageddon and the Second Coming of Christ.
  • Margaret Thatcher – this great lady has not only served her country well, she has served the free world well.
  • No mother would ever willingly sacrifice her sons for territorial gain, for economic advantage, for ideology.
  • The great dynamic success of capitalism had given us a powerful weapon in our battle against Communism-money.
  • There can be no greater good than the quest for peace, and no finer purpose than the preservation of freedom.
  • The Bible tells us there will be a time for peace. But, so far in this century, mankind has failed to find it.
  • That’s the nice thing about this job. You get to quote yourself shamelessly. If you don’t, Larry Speakes will.
  • With the right to bear arms comes a great responsibility to use caution and common sense on handgun purchases.
  • There are only two things that the liberals don’t understand: the things that change and the things that don’t.
  • There are no great limits to growth because there are no limits of human intelligence, imagination, and wonder.
  • Good citizenship and defending democracy means living up to the ideals and values that make this country great.
  • There are some who’ve forgotten why we have a military. It’s not to promote war, it’s to be prepared for peace.
  • A socialist is someone who has read Lenin and Marx. An anti-socialist is someone who understands Lenin and Marx.
  • Anyone that’s ever had their kitchen done over knows that it never never gets done as soon as you wish it would.
  • As long as there are guns, the individual that wants a gun for a crime is going to have one and going to get it.
  • What’s happening in Cuba is not a failure of the Cuban people. It’s a failure of Fidel Castro and the Communists.
  • What we don’t need is more spending, and what we don’t need are taxes, and what we do need is a lot less of both.
  • The trouble with our Liberal friends is not that they’re ignorant; it’s just that they know so much that isn’t so.
  • Entrepreneurs and their small enterprises are responsible for almost all the economic growth in the United States.
  • Medicare will usher in federal programs that will invade every area of freedom as we have know it in this country.
  • America is the moral force that defeated communism and all those who would put the human soul itself into bondage.
  • People who think a tax boost will cure inflation are the same ones who believe another drink will cure a hangover.
  • I just don’t think it’s good for us to be run out of town. (Refusing to cancel Secretary of State visit to Moscow)
  • I like photographers – you don’t ask questions. (To a gathering of the White House News Photographers Association)
  • We think there is a parallel between federal involvement in education and the decline in profit over recent years.
  • Anyone who seeks success or greatness should first forget about both and seek only the truth. The rest will follow.
  • Government is never more dangerous than when our desire to have it help us blinds us to its great power to harm us.
  • Middle age is when you’re faced with two temptations and you choose the one that will get you home by nine o’clock.
  • If there’s one observation that rings true in today’s changing world, it is that freedom and peace go hand in hand.
  • A state is nothing more than a reflection of its citizens; the more decent the citizens, the more decent the state.
  • If our planes were shot down, yes, they’s wake me right away. If the other fellows’ were shot down, why wake me up?
  • If a tax hike makes it to my desk, I’ll veto it in less time than it takes Vanna White to turn the letters V-E-T-O!
  • The victims of crime have been transformed into a group oppressively burdened by a system designed to protect them.
  • It’s not fair to say that Congress spends money like a drunk sailor. At least the sailor is spending his own money!
  • Today a newcomer to the state is automatically eligible for our many aid programs the moment he crosses the border.
  • We must be cautious in claiming God is on our side. I think the real question we must answer is, are we on His side?
  • The bill’s a textbook example of special interest pork barrel politics at work, and I have no choice but to veto it.
  • They’ve done away with those committees. That shows the success of what the Soviets were able to do in this country.
  • You and I have a rendezvous with destiny. We will preserve for our children this, the last best hope of man on earth.
  • Republicans believe the best way to assure prosperity is to generate more jobs. The Democrats believe in more welfare.
  • There are no easy answers’ but there are simple answers. We must have the courage to do what we know is morally right.
  • We were poor when I was young but the difference was that the government didn’t come around telling you you were poor.
  • The White House is the leakiest place I’ve ever been in. (On special measures to ensure secrecy of plans to bomb Libya)
  • We can meet our destiny, and that destiny to build a land here that will be, for all mankind, a shining city on a hill.
  • Politics is just like show business. You have a hell of an opening, coast for a while, and then have a hell of a close.
  • You on the cutting edge of technology have already made yesterday’s impossibilities the commonplace realities of today.
  • I have wondered at times what the Ten Commandments would have looked like if Moses had run them through the US Congress.
  • Don’t give up on your ideals. Don’t compromise. Don’t turn to expediency. And for heaven’s sake . . . don’t get cynical.
  • I told you once that [our marriage] was like an adolescent’s dream of what marriage should be like. That hasn’t changed.
  • The signs of the Vietnam War protestors said “Make Love not War!” It didn’t seem to me that they were capable of either.
  • Certain forms of ammunition have no legitimate sporting, recreational, or self-defense use and thus should be prohibited.
  • The difference between them and us is that we want to check government spending and they want to spend government checks.
  • Every new day begins with possibilities. It’s up to us to fill it with the things that move us toward progress and peace.
  • We are a nation that has a government-not the other way around. And that makes us special among the nations of the earth.
  • Government is like a baby. An alimentary canal with a big appetite at one end and no sense of responsibility at the other.
  • The taxpayer – that’s someone who works for the federal government but doesn’t have to take the civil service examination.
  • I believe no challenge is more important to the character of America than restoring the right to life to all human beings.
  • There can be no security anywhere in the free world if there is no fiscal and economic stability within the United States.
  • Government is the people’s business and every man, woman and child becomes a shareholder with the first penny of tax paid.
  • You know economists; they’re the sort of people who see something works in practice and wonder if it would work in theory.
  • We’re looking forward to a great season at the University of California – if we find a way to put cleats on their sandals.
  • The Constitution was never meant to prevent people from praying, it’s declared purpose was to protect their freedom to pray
  • We stand together as we did two centuries ago, One people under God determined that our future shall be worthy of our past.
  • A broader reading of history shows that appeasement, no matter how it is labeled, never fulfills the hopes of the appeasers.
  • Our American tradition of neighbor helping neighbor has always been one of our greatest strengths and most noble traditions.
  • Our country is great because it is built on principles of self-reliance, opportunity, innovation, and compassion for others.
  • Are you entitled to the fruits of your own labor or does government have some presumptive right to spend and spend and spend?
  • If history teaches us anything, it teaches that simple-minded appeasement or wishful thinking about our adversaries is folly.
  • The Founding Fathers believed that faith in God was the key to our being a good people and America’s becoming a great nation.
  • No matter how big and powerful government gets, and the many services it provides, it can never take the place of volunteers.
  • I was raised to believe that God has a plan for everyone and that seemingly random twists of fate are all a part of His plan.
  • A leader, once convinced that a particular course of action is the right one, must….be undaunted when the going gets tough.
  • Well, my head’s full of questions My temp’rature’s risin’ fast Well, I’m lookin’ for some answers But I don’t know who to ask
  • Protecting the rights of even the least individual among us is basically the only excuse the government has for even existing.
  • Politics is not a bad profession. If you succeed there are many rewards, if you disgrace yourself you can always write a book.
  • Revenues should be increased not by increasing the tax rates on the individual but by building a bigger economy for everybody.
  • It is the Soviet Union that runs against the tide of human history by denying human freedom and human dignity to its citizens.
  • We don’t have a trillion-dollar debt because we haven’t taxed enough; we have a trillion-dollar debt because we spend too much.
  • The arts and humanities teach us who we are and what we can be. They lie at the very core of the culture of which we’re a part.
  • When liberals say ‘family’, they mean ‘Big Brother in Washington.’ When we say ‘family,’ we mean ‘honor thy father and mother.’
  • The fact is, we’ll never build a lasting economic recovery by going deeper into debt at a faster rate than we ever have before.
  • A friend of mine was asked to a costume ball a short time ago. He slapped some egg on his face and went as a liberal economist.
  • Trains are not any more energy efficient than the average automobile, with both getting about 48 passenger miles to the gallon.
  • My dream is that you will travel the road ahead with liberty’s lamp guiding your steps and opportunity’s arm steadying your way.
  • A strong nation is one that is loved by its people and, as Edmund Burke put it, for a country to be loved it ought to be lovely.
  • It has been said that politics is the second oldest profession. I have learned that it bears a striking resemblance to the first.
  • I’m convinced, more than ever, that man finds liberation only when he binds himself to God and commits himself to his fellow man.
  • The government is currently experiencing withdrawal symptoms, and we musn’t feed the habit by injecting more tax dollars into it.
  • Our military strength is a prerequisite to peace, but let it be clear we maintain this strength in the hope it will never be used.
  • I once played a sheriff who thought he could do the job without a gun. I was dead in twenty-seven minutes of a thirty minute show.
  • The basis of conservatism is a desire for less government interference or less centralized authority or more individual freedom…
  • To this day, America is still the abiding alternative to tyranny. This is our purpose in the world, nothing more and nothing less.
  • When PLO sniper fire is followed by 14 hours of Israeli bombardment, that’s stretching the definition of defensive action too far.
  • For the sake of peace and justice, let us move toward a world in which all people are at last free to determine their own destiny.
  • Throughout our history, We Americans have been willing to meet great challenges and do what is right when our destiny demanded it.
  • I oppose registration for the draft… because I believe the security of freedom can best be achieved by security through freedom.
  • Revolution means democracy in today’s world, not the enslavement of peoples to the corrupt and degrading horrors of totalitarianism
  • Nations crumble from within when the citizenry asks of government those things which the citizenry might better provide for itself.
  • If we don’t want to see the map of Central America covered in a sea of red, eventually lapping at our own borders, we must act now.
  • I do not believe in a fate that will fall on us no matter what we do. I do believe in a fate that will fall on us if we do nothing.
  • But there are advantages to being elected President. The day after I was elected, I had my high school grades classified Top Secret.
  • [Write to your congressional representative against the health care reform proposal or] we will awake to find that we have socialism.
  • It’s all part of taking a chance and expanding man’s horizons. The future doesn’t belong to the fainthearted; it belongs to the brave.
  • We’re in greater danger today than we were the day after Pearl Harbor. Our military is absolutely incapable of defending this country.
  • Meaningful work, not welfare, is every American’s hope, and we have a continuing responsibility to make those hopes a lasting reality.
  • The Bible and its teachings helped form the basis for the Founding Fathers’ abiding belief in the inalienable rights of the individual.
  • Information is the oxygen of the modern age. It seeps through the walls topped by barbed wire, it wafts across the electrified borders.
  • Our opponents see an America in which every day is April 15, tax day. Well, we see an America in which every day is the Fourth of July.
  • We were told four years ago that 17 million people went to bed hungry each night. Well that was probably true. They were all on a diet.
  • Intelligence reports say Castro is very worried about me. I’m very worried that we can’t come up with something to justify his worrying.
  • Our moral imperative is to work with all our powers for that day when the children of the world grow up without the fear of nuclear war.
  • I, for one, resent it when a representative of the people refers to you and me, the free men and women of this country, as ‘the masses.’
  • No longer must government be allowed to ride roughshod, absorbing the people’s wealth, usurping their rights, and crushing their spirit.
  • I’ve always believed that a lot of the trouble in the world would disappear if we were talking to each other instead of about each other.
  • My fellow Americans, I am pleased to tell you I just signed legislation which outlaws Russia forever. The bombing begins in five minutes.
  • Inside the Bible’s pages lie the answers to all the problems that mankind has ever known. I hope Americans will read and study the Bible.
  • I believe that the most essential element of our defense of freedom is our insistence on speaking out for the cause of religious liberty.
  • It is the tendency of Government to grow, for practices and programs to become the nearest thing to eternal life we’ll see on this earth.
  • Government exists to protect us from each other. Where government has gone beyond its limits is in deciding to protect us from ourselves.
  • Only our deep moral values and our strong social institutions can hold back that jungle and restrain the darker impulses of human nature.
  • The greatest leader is not necessarily the one who does the greatest things. He is the one that gets the people to do the greatest things.
  • There are no constraints on the human mind, no walls around the human spirit, no barriers to our progress except those we ourselves erect.
  • We have the means to change the laws we find unjust or onerous. We cannot, as citizens, pick and choose the laws we will or will not obey.
  • Politics is supposed to be the second-oldest profession… and I have come to realize that it bears a very close resemblance to the first.
  • We in government should learn to look at our country with the eyes of the entrepreneur, seeing possibilities where others see only problems
  • To grasp and hold a vision, that is the very essence of successful leadership-not only on the movie set where I learned it, but everywhere.
  • I know in my heart that man is good. That what is right will always eventually triumph. And there’s purpose and worth to each and every life.
  • I now have absolute proof that smoking even one marijuana cigarette is equal in brain damage to being on Bikini Island during an H-bomb blast
  • The defense policy of the United States is based on a simple premise: The United States does not start fights. We will never be an aggressor.
  • Jesse Helms wants me to move to the right, Lowell Weiker wants me to move to the left, and Teddy Kennedy wants me to move back to California.
  • Because Vietnam was not a declared war, the veterans are not even eligible for the G. I. Bill of Rights with respect to education or anything.
  • California produces 40% of America’s fresh fruits, vegetables and nuts – the kind you eat. We have had a bumper crop of the other variety, too.
  • Someone must stand up to those who say, “Here’s the key, there’s the Treasury, just take as many of those hard-earned tax dollars as you want.”
  • Elvis epitomised America, and for that we shall be eternally grateful. There will never be anyone else like him. Let’s all rejoice in his music.
  • May all of you as Americans never forget your heroic origins, never fail to seek Divine guidance, and never lose your natural God-given optimism.
  • Peace is more than just an absence of war. True peace is justice, true peace is freedom, and true peace dictates the recognition of human rights.
  • Governments don’t reduce deficits by raising taxes on the people; governments reduce deficits by controlling spending and stimulating new wealth.
  • I have learned that one of the most important rules in politics is poise – which means looking like an owl after you have behaved like a jackass.
  • I believe in a sound, strong environmental policy that protects the health of our people and a wise stewardship of our nation’s natural resources.
  • We believe faith and freedom must be our guiding stars, for they show us truth, they make us brave, give us hope, and leave us wiser than we were.
  • For a time, we forgot the American dream isn’t one of making government bigger, it’s keeping faith with the mighty spirit of free people under God
  • The economic welfare of all our people must ultimately stem not from government programs, but from the wealth created by a vigorous private sector.
  • Let us thank God for life and the blessings He’s put before us. High among them are our families, our freedom, and the opportunities of a new year.
  • When the Lord calls me home, whenever that may be, I will leave with the greatest love for this county of ours and eternal optimism for its future.
  • Our government needs the church, because only those humble enough to admit they’re sinners can bring democracy the tolerance it requires to survive
  • The federal government has taken too much tax money from the people, too much authority from the states, and too much liberty with the Constitution.
  • America must remain freedom’s staunchest friend, for freedom is our best ally and it is the world’s only hope to conquer poverty and preserve peace.
  • We have found, in our country, that when people have the right to make decisions as close to home as possible, they usually make the right decisions.
  • We could say the government spend like drunken sailors, but that would be unfair to drunken sailors, because the sailors are spending their own money.
  • By emphasizing the importance of a common language, we safeguard a proud legacy and help to ensure that America’s future will be as great as her past.
  • We establish no religion in this country. We command no worship. We mandate no belief, nor will we ever. Church and state are and must remain separate.
  • We seek a constitutional amendment to permit voluntary school prayer. God should never have been expelled from America’s classrooms in the first place.
  • Could there be a better answer to the stupidity of Karl Marx than millions of workers individually sharing in the ownership of the means of production.
  • One day we will spend our sunset years telling our children and our children’s children what it was once like in the United States where men were free.
  • How does it feel to be the ‘s third choice? Humiliating? You could have thrown a dart. That’s how close they were. We had so many excellent candidates.
  • The time has come to turn to God and reassert our trust in Him for the healing of America – our country is in need of and ready for a spiritual renewal.
  • The . . . inescapable truth is: government does not have all the answers. In too many instances, government does not solve problems; it subsidizes them.
  • Professional politicians like to talk about the value of experience in government. Nuts! The only experience you gain in politics is how to be political.
  • More than any gift or toy, ornament of tree, let us resolve that this Christmas shall be, like that first Christmas, a celebration of interior treasures.
  • If the Soviet Union let another political party come into existence, they would still be a one-party state, because everybody would join the other party.
  • T]he state Republican chairman, Gaylord Parkinson, postulated what he called the Eleventh Commandment: Thou shalt not speak ill of any fellow Republican.
  • The other day, someone told me the difference between a democracy and a people’s democracy. It’s the same difference between a jacket and a straitjacket.
  • For the people of Israel and America are historic partners in the global quest for human dignity and freedom. We will always remain at each other’s side.
  • When you see all that rhetorical smoke billowing up from the Democrats, well ladies and gentleman, I’d follow the example of their nominee; don’t inhale.
  • I was going to have an opening statement, but I decided that what I was going to say I wanted to get a lot of attention, so I’m going to wait and leak it.
  • We have to realize that this country in its private sector has been fighting the most successful war on poverty the world has seen for the last 200 years.
  • He struck a mighty blow for equality, freedom and the American way of life. Jackie Robinson was a good citizen, a great man, and a true American champion.
  • If we miss this chance to make a fresh start, we may look back on this moment from some later vantage point and realize how much that failure cost us all.
  • The national Democratic leadership is going so far left, they’ve left America. Don’t let them bury the American dream in their graveyard of gloom and envy.
  • An actor knows two important things – to be honest in what he is doing and to be in touch with the audience. That’s not bad advice for a politician either.
  • In case anybody asks you about my position on capital punishment, you can tell them I favor it; and if they want to know why, you can tell them this story.
  • I believe that George Washington knew the City of Man cannot survive without the City of God; that the Visible City will perish without the Invisible City.
  • Seventy-five years ago I was born in Tampico, Illinois, in a little flat above the bank building. We didn’t have any other contact with the bank than that.
  • The neutron warhead is a defensive weapon designed to offset the great superiority that the Soviet Union has on the western front against the NATO nations.
  • Surround yourself with the best people you can find, delegate authority, and don’t interfere as long as the policy you’ve decided upon is being carried out.
  • Families cannot prosper and keep America strong if government becomes a Goliath that preys upon their wealth, usurps their rights, and crushes their spirit.
  • The American people cannot close their eyes to abuses of human rights and injustice, whether they occur among friend or adversary or even on our own shores.
  • I wasn’t a great communicator, but I communicated great things, and they didn’t spring full-bloom from my brow – they came from the heart of a great nation.
  • Like the genocide of the Armenians before it, and the genocide of the Cambodians which followed it … the lessons of the Holocaust must never be forgotten.
  • How do you tell a communist? Well, it’s someone who reads Marx and Lenin. And how do you tell an anti-Communist? It’s someone who understands Marx and Lenin.
  • Millions of individuals making their own decisions in the marketplace will always allocate resources better than any centralized government planning process.
  • I don’t know what I expected, but my first morning in the Oval Office had a surprising ring of familiarity to it. It reminded me a lot of my job as governor.
  • For three decades, we have sought to solve the problems of unemployment through government planning, and the more the plans fail, the more the planners plan.
  • Blondes have the hottest kisses. Red-heads are fair-to-middling torrid, and brunettes are the frigidest of all. It’s something to do with hormones, no doubt.
  • A truly successful army is one that, because of its strength and ability and dedication, will not be called upon to fight, for no one will dare to provoke it.
  • Respect for human rights is not social work; it is not merely an act of compassion. It is the first obligation of government and the source of its legitimacy.
  • Accepting a government grant with its accompanying rules is like marrying a girl and finding out her entire family is moving in with you before the honeymoon.
  • To sit back hoping that someday, some way, someone will make things right is to go on feeding the crocodile, hoping he will eat you last – but eat you he will.
  • The ongoing migration of persons to the United States in violation of our laws is a serious national problem detrimental to the interests of the United States.
  • I knew Thomas Jefferson. He was a friend of mine. And believe me, you are no Thomas Jefferson. (at 1992 Republican party convention, referring to Bill Clinton)
  • We who live in free market societies believe that growth, prosperity and ultimately human fulfillment, are created from the bottom up, not the government down.
  • I never thought it was my style or the words I used that made a difference. It was the content. I wasn’t a great communicator, but I communicated great things.
  • I sometimes think if someone appealed the Ten Commandments to some of our courts, they would rule – ‘Thou shalt not, unless you feel strongly to the contrary’.
  • With our eyes fixed on the future, but recognizing the realities of today, we will achieve our destiny to be as a shining city on a hill for all mankind to see.
  • My philosophy of life is that if we make up our mind what we are going to make of our lives, then work hard toward that goal, we never lose – somehow we win out.
  • Throughout America today, we honor the dead of our wars. We recall their valor and their sacrifices. We remember they gave their lives so that others might live.
  • While other [military] alliances have been formed to win wars, our fundamental purpose is to prevent war while preserving and extending the frontiers of freedom.
  • To paraphrase Winston Churchill, I did not take the oath I have just taken with the intention of presiding over the dissolution of the world’s strongest economy.
  • We who live in free market societies believe that growth and prosperity, and ultimately human fulfillment are created from the bottom up, not the government down.
  • Has anyone stopped to consider that we might come closer to balancing the budget if all of us simply tried to live up to the Ten Commandments and the Golden Rule?
  • The challenge of statesmanship is to have the vision to dream of a better, safer world and the courage, persistence, and patience to turn that dream into reality.
  • . . . I hope that when you’re my age, you’ll be able to say as I have been able to say: We lived in freedom, we lived lives that were a statement, not an apology.
  • We cannot diminish the value of one category of human life — the unborn — without diminishing the value of all human life . . . there is no cause more important.
  • Of the many influences that have shaped the United States into a distinctive nation and people, none may be said to be more fundamental and enduring than the Bible.
  • I want you to know that also I will not make age an issue of this campaign. I am not going to exploit, for political purposes, my opponent’s youth and inexperience.
  • And children, if your parents haven’t been teaching you what it means to be an American, let ’em know and nail ’em on it. That would be a very American thing to do.
  • I’m beginning to wonder if the symbol of the United States pretty soon isn’t going to be an ambassador with a flag under his arm climbing into an escape helicopter.
  • We’re more than friends and neighbors and allies; we are kin, who together have built the most productive relationship between any two countries in the world today.
  • We welcome change and openness; for we believe that freedom and security go together, that the advance of human liberty can only strengthen the cause of world peace.
  • One hundred nations in the UN have not agreed with us on just about everything that’s come before them, where we’re involved, and it didn’t upset my breakfast at all.
  • We’re told about a woman’s right to control her own body. But doesn’t the unborn child have a higher right, and that is to life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness?
  • Government’s view of the economy could be summed up in a few short phrases: If it moves, tax it. If it keeps moving, regulate it. And if it stops moving, subsidize it.
  • Indeed, it is an indisputable fact that all the complex and horrendous questions confronting us at home and worldwide have their answer in that single book [the Bible].
  • Too often, people forget the basic fact of life: all those good things we enjoy come from the ache in [our] backs and the willingness to shoulder great personals risks.
  • Too often character assassination has replaced debate in principle here in Washington. Destroy someone’s reputation, and you don’t have to talk about what he stands for.
  • You and I are told increasingly we have to choose between left or right. Well, I’d like to suggest there is no such thing as a left or right. There’s only an up or down.
  • Well I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again ¬ó America’s best days are yet to come. Our proudest moments are yet to be. Our most glorious achievements are just ahead.
  • America’s view of apartheid is simple and straightforward: We believe it is wrong. We condemn it. And we are united in hoping for the day when apartheid will be no more.
  • History comes and history goes, but principles endure, and ensure future generations will defend liberty not as a gift from government but as a blessing from our Creator.
  • Our federal tax system is, in short, utterly impossible, utterly unjust and completely counterproductive . . . [It] reeks with injustice, and is fundamentally un-American
  • I hope the people on Wall Street will pay attention to the people on Main Street. If they do, they will see there is a rising tide of confidence in the future of America.
  • Conservatives were brought up to hate deficits and justifiably so. We’ve long thought there are two things in Washington that are unbalanced – the budget and the liberals.
  • May each of you have the heart to conceive, the understanding to direct, and the hand to execute works that will leave the world a little better for your having been here.
  • These are the boys of Pointe du Hoc. These are the men who took the cliffs. These are the champions who helped free a continent. These are the heroes who helped end a war.
  • Are you better off than you were four years ago? One of my favorite quotes Is it easier for you to go and buy things in the stores … Is there more or less unemployment?
  • The vote on the Peacekeeper is also a vote on Geneva. Rejecting the Peacekeeper will knock the legs out from under the negotiating table. (On importance of the MX missile)
  • The same government that requires a taxpaying citizen to document every statement on his tax return decrees that questioning a welfare applicant demeans and humiliates him.
  • I supported this bill. I believe in the idea of amnesty for those who have put down roots and who have lived here even though sometime back they may have entered illegally.
  • We’ve been blessed with the opportunity to stand for something – for liberty and freedom and fairness. And these are things worth fighting for, worth devoting our lives to.
  • There is no greater happiness for a man than approaching a door at the end of a day knowing someone on the other side of that door is waiting for the sound of his footsteps.
  • I have always thought of government as a kind of organism with an insatiable appetite for money, whose natural state is to grow forever unless you do something to starve it.
  • We have so many people who can’t see a fat man standing beside a thin one without coming to the conclusion that the fat man got that way by taking advantage of the thin one!
  • I heard one presidential candidate say that what this country needed was a president for the nineties. I was set to run again. I thought he said a president IN his nineties.
  • I’m convinced that today the majority of Americans want what those first Americans wanted: A better life for themselves and their children; a minimum of government authority.
  • I’ve never been able to understand why a Republican contributor is a ‘fat cat’ and a Democratic contributor of the same amount of money is a ‘public-spirited philanthropist’.
  • The American dream is not that every man must be level with every other man. The American dream is that every man must be free to become whatever God intends he should become.
  • I sometimes think Adam and Eve were Russians. They didn’t have a roof over their head, nothing to wear, but they had one apple between them and they thought that was Paradise.
  • God’s miracles are to be found in nature itself; the wind and waves, the wood that becomes a tree – all of these are explained biologically, but behind them is the hand of God.
  • If you don’t know whether a body is alive or dead, you would never bury it. I think this consideration itself should be enough for all of us to insist on protecting the unborn.
  • Our liberties, our values, all for which America stands is safe today because brave men and women have been ready to face the fire at freedom’s front. And we thank God for them.
  • It is no coincidence that when the thugs tried to wrest control over Grenada, there were 30 Soviet advisors and hundreds of Cuban military and paramilitary forces on the island.
  • Every dollar the federal government does not take from us, every decision it does not make for us, will make our economy stronger, our lives more abundant, our future more free.
  • Freedom is indivisible – there is no “s” on the end of it. You can erode freedom, diminish it, but you cannot divide it and choose to keep “some freedoms” while giving up others.
  • Each generation goes further than the generation preceding it because it stands on the shoulders of that generation. You will have opportunities beyond anything we’ve ever known.
  • I don’t want to do a TV series. It’s no fun working from dawn to sunset every day. An occasional movie would be fine, and then I’ll see what might develop on the political front.
  • Our National Motto – ‘In God We Trust’ – was not chosen lightly. It reflects a basic recognition that there is a divine authority in the universe to which this nation owes homage.
  • Isn’t it strange that … people build walls to keep an enemy out, and there’s only one part of the world and one philosophy where they have to build walls to keep their people in
  • I don’t have to tell you how fragile this precious gift of freedom is. Every time we hear, watch, or read the news, we are reminded that liberty is a rare commodity in this world.
  • Since I came to the White House, I got two hearing aids, a colon operation, skin cancer, a prostate operation, and I was shot. The damn thing is, I’ve never felt better in my life.
  • Education is not the means of showing people how to get what they want. Education is an exercise by means of which enough men, it is hoped, will learn to want what is worth having.
  • I know that some believe that voluntary prayer in schools should be restricted to a moment of silence. We already have the right to remain silent – we can take our Fifth Amendment.
  • Government should uphold-and not undermine-those institutions which are custodians of the very values upon which civilization is founded: religion, education and, above all, family.
  • If the federal government had been around when the Creator was putting His hand to this state, Indiana wouldn’t be here. It’d still be waiting for an environmental impact statement.
  • You get to know people as individuals. The dreams of people may differ, but everybody wants their dreams to come true. And America, above all places, gives us the freedom to do that
  • Today it is difficult to find leaders who are independent of the forces that have brought us our problems: The Congress, the bureaucracy, the lobbyists, big business, and big labor.
  • I deplore the tendency, in some institutions, to go directly toward training for a trade or profession or something and ignoring the liberal arts. It is the foundation of education.
  • Our whole system of government is based on “We the people,” but if we the people don’t pay attention to what’s going on, we have no right to bellyache or squawk when things go wrong.
  • In an atmosphere of liberty, artists and patrons are free to think the unthinkable and create the audacious; they are free to make both horrendous mistakes and glorious celebrations.
  • Let us be sure that those who come after will say of us in our time, that in our time we did everything that could be done. We finished the race; we kept them free; we kept the faith.
  • Our country and state have a special obligation to work toward the stabilization of our own population so as to credibly lead other parts of the world toward population stabilization.
  • A small nation, faced with the denial of its sovereignty ‚Äî indeed, of its very existence ‚Äî reminded us that the price of freedom is high but never so costly as the loss of freedom.
  • . . . And always remember that you are Americans, and it is your birthright to dream great dreams in this sweet and blessed land, truly the greatest, freest, strongest nation on Earth.
  • Let me make our goal in this program very clear: jobs, jobs, jobs, and more jobs. Our policy has been and will continue to be: What is good for the American worker is good for America.
  • In some dim beginning, man created the institution of government as a convenience for himself. And, ever since that time, government has been doing its best to become an inconvenience.
  • I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again. The U.S. Geological Survey has told me that the proven potential for oil in Alaska alone is greater than the proven reserves in Saudi Arabia.
  • I think people have a need to feel good about the country they live in, but what’s happening, I think, is that that need – which is a good thing – is getting manipulated and exploited.
  • Approximately 80% of our air pollution stems from hydrocarbons released by vegetation, so let’s not go overboard in setting and enforcing tough emission standards from man-made sources.
  • A political party cannot be all things to all people. It must represent certain fundamental beliefs which must not be compromised to political expediency, or simply to swell its numbers.
  • Let it never be said of this generation of Americans that we became so obsessed with failure that we refused to take risks that could further the cause of peace and freedom in the world.
  • It’s silly talking about how many years we will have to spend in the jungles of Vietnam when we could pave the whole country and put parking stripes on it and still be home by Christmas.
  • Don’t let anyone tell you that America’s best days are behind her – that the American spirit has been vanquished. We’ve seen it triumph too often in our lives to stop believing in it now.
  • Our natural, inalienable rights are now considered to be a dispensation from government, and freedom has never been so fragile, so close to slipping from our grasp as it is at this moment.
  • I’ve always believed that we were, each of us, put here for a reason, that there is a plan, somehow a divine plan for all of us. I know now that whatever days are left to me belong to him.
  • We still have too much air and water pollution and we still need to work to reduce it. But we also need to put the problem of pollution into a historical as well as scientific perspective.
  • Without God, there is no virtue because there is no prompting of the conscience… without God, there is a coarsening of the society; without God, democracy will not and cannot long endure.
  • The fourth landing of the Columbia is the historical equivalent of the driving of the golden spike which completed the first transcontinental railroad. It marks our entrance into a new era.
  • For too long, too many people dependent on Social Security have been cruelly frightened by individuals seeking political gain through demagoguery and outright falsehood, and this must stop.
  • Freedom is never more than one generation away from extinction. We didn’t pass it to our children in the bloodstream. It must be fought for, protected, and handed on for them to do the same.
  • In this present crisis, government is not the solution to our problem, government IS the problem. It isn’t so much that liberals are ignorant, it’s just that they know so much that isn’t so.
  • Yes, deficits are a problem. I’ve been saying so for more than a quarter of a century now. But the problem is not the size of the deficit, it’s the size of government’s claim on our economy.
  • Yes, the deficit doctors have their scalpels out all right, but they’re not poised over the budget. That’s as fat as ever and getting fatter. What they’re ready to operate on is your wallet.
  • Law and freedom must be indivisible partners. For without law, there can be no freedom, only choas and disorder; and without freedom, law is but a cynical veneer for injustice and oppression.
  • There is no foundation like the rock of honesty and fairness, and when you begin to build your life on that rock, with the cement of the faith in God that you have, then you have a real start.
  • Our forbearance should never be misunderstood. Our reluctance for conflict should not be misjudged as a failure of will. When action is required to preserve our national security, we will act.
  • In opening our hearts, we hope this might promote greater awareness of this condition. Perhaps it will encourage a clearer understanding of the individuals and families who are affected by it.
  • It doesn’t do good to open doors for someone who doesn’t have the price to get in. If he has the price, he may not need the laws. There is no law saying the Negro has to live in Harlem or Watts.
  • Human beings are not animals, and I do not want to see sex and sexual differences treated as casually and amorally as dogs and other beasts treat them. I believe this could happen under the ERA.
  • If some among you fear taking a stand because you are afraid of reprisals from customers, clients, or even government, recognize that you are just feeding the crocodile hoping he’ll eat you last.
  • I know at times we feel that perhaps in our prayers we ask too much. Or possibly we feel something isn’t important enough to be bothering God with it. Maybe we should let Him decide these things.
  • Could there be anything but widespread misery, where a privileged few controlled a nation’s wealth, while millions labored for a pittance, and millions more were desperate for want of employment?
  • I’ve talked to you on a number of occasions about the economic problems our nation faces, and I am prepared to tell you it’s in a hell of a mess-we’re not connected to the press room yet, are we?
  • If I thought there was some reason to be concerned about them, I wouldn’t be sleeping in this house tonight. (When asked about continued presence of Soviet nuclear submarines along US coastlines)
  • Let’s face it.., our current [immigration control] system is like a busy intersection without a traffic cop: sure there are laws on the books, but absent enforcement, there are too many accidents.
  • We must reject the idea that every time a law’s broken, society is guilty rather than the lawbreaker. It is time to restore the American precept that each individual is accountable for his actions.
  • Together, we’ll build a far better future for America — a future of growth, opportunity, and security, anchored by the values of a people who are confident, compassionate, and whose heart is good.
  • Over hundred years ago Abraham Lincoln signed the Homestead Act. There was wide distribution of land and they didn’t confiscate anyone’s privately owned land… We need an industrial Homestead Act.
  • The things that unite us-America’s past of which we are so proud, our hopes and aspirations for the future of the world and this much loved country-these things far outweigh what little divides us.
  • You and I have the courage to say to our enemies, ‘There is a price we will not pay.’ There is a point beyond which they must not advance. This is the meaning of the phrase ‘Peace through strength.’
  • Dreams became issues of East versus West. Hopes became political rhetoric. Progress became a search for power and domination. Somewhere the truth was lost that people don’t make war, governments do.
  • When we speak of peace, we should not mean just the absence of war. True peace rests on the pillars of individual freedom, human rights, national self-determination, and respect for the rule of law.
  • The Founding Fathers knew a government can’t control the economy without controlling people. And they knew when a government sets out to do that it must use force and coercion to achieve its purpose.
  • I will stand on, and continue to use, the figures I have used, because I believe they are correct. Now, I’m not going to deny that you don’t now and then slip up on something; no one bats a thousand.
  • My mother told me that everything in life happened for a purpose. She said all things were part of God’s plan, even the most disheartening setbacks, and in the end, everything worked out for the best.
  • Wouldn’t it be better for the human spirit and for the soul of this nation to encourage people to accept more responsibility to care for each other rather than leaving those tasks to paid bureaucrats.
  • Could there be anything resembling a free enterprise economy, if wealth and property were concentrated in the hands of a few, while the great majority owned little more than the shirts on their backs?
  • The doors of this Library are open now and are all welcome. The judgment of history is left to you, the people. I have no fears of that, for we have done our best. And so I say, come and learn from it.
  • I hope Americans will read and study the Bible in the coming year. It’s my firm belief that the enduring values, as I say, presented in its pages have a great meaning for each of us and for our nation.
  • We’re not just discussing limits on a further increase of nuclear weapons; we seek, instead, to reduce their number. We seek the total elimination one day of nuclear weapons from the face of the Earth.
  • …100% of what is collected is absorbed solely by interest on the Federal Debt…all individual income tax revenues are gone before one nickel is spent on the services taxpayers expect from government.
  • No government ever voluntarily reduces itself in size. Government programs, once launched, never disappear. Actually, a government bureau is the nearest thing to eternal life we’ll ever see on this earth!
  • We are participating in the orderly transfer of administrative authority by the direction of the people. And this is the simple magic which makes a commonplace routine a near miracle to many of the world
  • A nation’s greatness is measured not just by its gross national product or military power, but by the strength of its devotion to the principles and values that bind its people and define their character.
  • Thomas Jefferson once said. He said , “We should never judge a President by his age, only by his works.” And ever since he told me that, I’ve stopped worrying. There are those who say I’ve stopped working.
  • [The Soviets] preach the supremacy of the state, declare its omnipotence over individual man, and predict its eventual domination of all peoples on the earth; they are the focus of evil in the modern world.
  • We don’t need more politicians insisting we have deficits because you’re not taxed enough. Those deficits ballooned from an economy that didn’t grow enough and from 50 years of government spending too much.
  • We desire peace. But peace is a goal, not a policy. Lasting peace is what we hope for at the end of our journey. It doesn’t describe the steps we must take nor the paths we should follow to reach that goal.
  • All of us should remember that the federal government is not some mysterious institution comprised of buildings, files and paper. The people are the government. What we create we ought to be able to control.
  • I have come to the conclusion that the 22nd Amendment [limiting the presidency to two terms] was a mistake. Shouldn’t the people have the right to vote for someone as many times as they want to vote for him?
  • What has happened to the dreams of the United Nations’ founders? What has happened to the spirit which created the United Nations? The answer is clear: Governments got in the way of the dreams of the people.
  • Fascism was really the basis for the New Deal. It was Mussolini’s success in Italy, with his government-directed economy, that led the early New Dealers to say “But Mussolini keeps the trains running on time.
  • The struggle now going on for the world will never be decided by bombs or rockets, by armies or military might. The real crisis we face today is a spiritual one; at root, it is a test of moral will and faith.
  • If you owe the bank $10,000 you have a problem. If you owe the bank $10,000,000 they have a problem. After all is said and done, more is said than done. Government does not solve problems; it subsidizes them.
  • America was founded by people who believe that God was their rock of safety. I recognize we must be cautious in claiming that God is on our side, but I think it’s all right to keep asking if we’re on His side.
  • Our nation will prosper or decline in direct proportion to our selection of leaders who are guided by the Holy Spirit. If we fail to select Godly leaders our destiny will surely be as that of the Roman Empire.
  • There seems to be an increasing awareness of something we Americans have known for some time – that the ten most dangerous words in the English language are “Hi, I’m from the government, and I’m here to help.”
  • They don’t worship at the altar of forced busing and mandatory quotas. They don’t believe you can remedy past discrimination by mandating new discrimination. (Defending his nominees for Civil Rights Commission)
  • Some may try to tell us that this is the end of an era. But what they overlook is that in America, every day is a new beginning. For this is the land that has never become, but is always in the act of becoming.
  • Are you willing to spend time studying the issues, making yourself aware, and then conveying that information to family and friends? Will you resist the temptation to get a government handout for your community?
  • Those who advocate more and more government regulation have been experimenting for 40 years, trying to create an economic system in which everyone can somehow be made more prosperous by the toil of someone else.
  • The little dictator who went to Moscow in his green fatigues to receive a bear hug did not forsake the doctrine of Lenin when he returned to the West and appeared in a two-piece suit. (On Daniel Ortega Saavedra)
  • I saw them; there is nothing beautiful about them, just that they are a little higher than the others. Referring to one of the oldest and loveliest groves of redwoods, showing insensitivity to their magnificence.
  • …I believe that it is not enough, as I said, to tinker at the margins of U.S. immigration law… the United States must institute comprehensive reforms that conform to the realities of the era in which we live.
  • Of the many messages found in the Hanukah story, the one that has always inspired me most is this: with a strong faith in the Almighty, nothing is impossible; and without the help of our Creator, we labor in vain.
  • I believe with all my heart that our first priority must be world peace, and that use of force is always and only a last resort, when everything else has failed, and then only with regard to our national security.
  • An America that is militarily and economically strong is not enough. The world must see an America that is morally strong with a creed and a vision. This is what has led us to dare and achieve. For us, values count.
  • We’re Americans, and we have a rendezvous with destiny . . . No people who have ever lived on this earth have fought harder, paid a higher price for freedom, or done more to advance the dignity of man than Americans.
  • Unless and until it can be proven that an unborn child is not a living human being, can we justify assuming without proof that it isn’t? No one has yet offered such proof; indeed, all the evidence is to the contrary.
  • Perhaps we need some outside, universal threat to make us recognize this common bond. I occasionally think how quickly our differences worldwide would vanish if we were facing an alien threat from outside this world.
  • Perhaps there is a simple answer — not an easy answer — but simple: If you and I have the courage to tell our elected officials that we want our national policy based on what we know in our hearts is morally right.
  • Government must not supersede the will of the people or the responsibilities of the people. The function of government is not to confer happiness, but to give men the opportunity to work out happiness for themselves.
  • They don’t subscribe to our sense of morality; they don’t believe in an afterlife; they don’t believe in a God or religion. And the only morality they recognize, therefore, is what will advance the cause or socialism.
  • Above all, we must realize that no arsenal, or no weapon in the arsenals of the world, is so formidable as the will and moral courage of free men and women. It is a weapon our adversaries in today’s world do not have.
  • The family has always been the cornerstone of American society. Our families nurture, preserve, and pass on to each succeeding generation the values we share and cherish, values that are the foundation of our freedoms.
  • A nuclear war cannot be won and must never be fought. The only value in our two nations possessing nuclear weapons is to make sure they will never be used. But then would it not be better to do away with them entirely?
  • America’s economic strength depends on industry’s ability to improve productivity and quality and to remain on the cutting edge of technology, and that’s why the Malcolm Baldrige National Quality Award is so important.
  • History shows that when the taxes of a nation approach about 20 percent of the people’s income, there begins to be a lack of respect for government…. When it reaches 25 percent, there comes an increase in lawlessness.
  • I can’t help but believe that in the future we will see in the United States and throughout the Western world an increasing trend toward the next logical step, employee ownership. It is a path that befits a free people.
  • We must always meet our obligation to those who fall behind without our assistance. But let’s remember, without a race there can be no champion, no records broken, no excellence – in education or any other walk of life.
  • I’m not a politician by profession. I am a citizen who decided I had to be personally involved in order to stand up for my own values and beliefs. My candidacy is based on my record, and for that matter, my entire life.
  • Freedom and the dignity of the individual have been more available and assured here than in any other place on earth. The price for this freedom at times has been high, but we have never been unwilling to pay the price.
  • I’m proud of having been one of the first to recognize that states and the federal government have a duty to protect our natural resources from the damaging effects of pollution that can accompany industrial development.
  • Admittedly, there is a risk in any course we follow other than this, but every lesson in history tells us that the greater risk lies in appeasement, and this is the specter our well-meaning liberal friends refuse to face.
  • America stands unique in the world: the only country not founded on race but on a way, an ideal. Not in spite of but because of our polyglot background, we have had all the strength in the world. That is the American way.
  • I do not believe in taking away the right of the citizen for sporting, for hunting and so forth, or for home defense. But I do believe that an AK-47, a machine gun, is not a sporting weapon or needed for defense of a home.
  • The work of volunteer groups throughout our country represents the very heart and soul of America. They have helped make this the most compassionate, generous, and humane society that ever existed on the face of this earth.
  • Until now has there ever been a time in which so many of the prophecies are coming together? There have been times in the past when people thought the end of the world was coming, and so forth, but never anything like this.
  • The war in vietnam threatened to tear our society apart, and the political and philosophical disagreements that separated each side continue, to some extent. It’s been said that these memorials reflect a hunger for healing.
  • Abraham Lincoln freed the black man. In many ways, Dr. King freed the white man. How did he accomplish this tremendous feat? Where others – white and black – preached hatred, he taught the principles of love and nonviolence.
  • For us to ignore by inaction the slaughter of American civilians and American soldiers, whether in nightclubs or airline terminals, is simply not in the American tradition. Self-defense is not only our right, it is our duty.
  • I hope we once again have reminded people that man is not free unless government is limited. There’s a clear cause and effect here that is as neat and predictable as a law of physics: As government expands, liberty contracts.
  • A university is a place where ancient tradition thrives alongside the most revolutionary ideas. Perhaps as no other institution, a university is simultaneously committed to the day before yesterday and the day after tomorrow.
  • We speak with pride and admiration of that little band of Americans who overcame insuperable odds to set this nation on course 200 years ago. But our glory didn’t end with them. Americans ever since have emulated their deeds.
  • Sometimes when I’m faced with an atheist, I am tempted to invite him to the greatest gourmet dinner that one could ever serve, and when we have finished eating that magnificent dinner, to ask him if he believes there’s a cook.
  • [A woman waiting for him in the Kremlin asked Gobachev] “Was communism invented by a politician or a scientist?” [He replied] “Well, a politician.” She said, “That explains it. The scientist would have tried it on mice first.”
  • What we have found in this country, and maybe we’re more aware of it now, is one problem that we’ve had, even in the best of times, and that is the people who are sleeping on the grates, the homeless, you might say, by choice.
  • Our loyalty lies with little taxpayers, not big spenders. What our critics really believe is that those in Washington know better how to spend your money than you, the people, do. But we’re not going to let them do it, period.
  • Whether meeting with leaders and parents concerned about drugs in Bonn, Lisbon, or with the Holy Father at the Vatican, or doing a pretty fair flamenco in Madrid, I think Nancy’s one of the best ambassadors America’s ever had.
  • We have not inherited an easy world. If developments like the Industrial revolution, which began here in England, and the gifts of science and technology have made life much easier for us, they have also made it more dangerous.
  • Christopher Columbus was looking for a passage to India, but he landed in America. He landed in the wrong place, and when he got back, he wasn’t sure where he’d been. But most important of all, he did it on someone else’s money.
  • America has not been a story or a byword. That small community of Pilgrims prospered and, driven by the dreams and, yes, by the ideas of the Founding Fathers, went on to become a beacon to all the oppressed and poor of the world.
  • General Secretary Gorbachev, if you seek peace, if you seek prosperity for the Soviet Union and Eastern Europe, if you seek liberalization: Come here to this gate! Mr. Gorbachev, open this gate! Mr. Gorbachev, tear down this wall!
  • Constructive trade, the two-way exchange of goods and services, is the most efficient and logical way for each nation . . . to build a stable prosperity, a prosperity based not on aid, but on mutually beneficial economic contacts.
  • When our Founding Fathers passed the First Amendment, they sought to protect churches from government interference. They never intended to construct a wall of hostility between government and the concept of religious belief itself.
  • This democracy of ours, which sometimes we’ve treated so lightly, is more than ever a comfortable cloak, so let us not tear it asunder, for no man knows, once it is destroyed, where or when he will find its protective warmth again.
  • Our leaders must remember that education doesn’t begin with some isolated bureaucrat in Washington. It doesn’t even begin with state or local officials. Education begins in the home, where it is a parental right and responsibility.
  • When government gets too big, freedom is lost. Government is supposed to be the servant. But when a government can tax the people with no limit or restraint on what the government can take, then the government has become the master.
  • It doesn’t do any good to hold the door open for someone if they don’t have a way to walk through it. And if they do have a way to pass through it then you probably don’t need to hold it open because they can open it for themselves.
  • These are the values inspiring those brave workers in Poland. The values that have inspired other dissidents under communist domination. They remind us that where free unions and collective bargaining are forbidden, freedom is lost.
  • You know, if I listened to Michael Dukakis long enough, I would be convinced we’re in an economic downturn and people are homeless and going without food and medical attention and that we’ve got to do something about the unemployed.
  • Words are even more feeble on this Memorial Day, for the sight before us is that of a strong and good nation that stands in silence and remembers those who were loved and who, in return, loved their countrymen enough to die for them.
  • We do not deny any nation’s legitimate interest in security. But protecting the security of one nation by robbing another of its national independence and national traditions is not legitimate. In the long run, it is not even secure.
  • My fellow Americans, I must speak to you tonight about a mounting danger in Central America that threatens the security of the United States. This danger will not go away it will grow worse, much worse, if we fail to take action now.
  • History teaches that wars begin when governments believe the price of aggression is cheap. To keep the peace, we and our allies must be strong enough to convince any potential aggressor that war could bring no benefit, only disaster.
  • The Federalist Society is changing the culture of our nation’s law schools. You are returning the values and concepts of law as our founders understood them to scholarly dialogue, and through that dialogue, to our legal institutions.
  • Thomas Jefferson made a comment about the Presidency and age. He said that one should not worry about one’s exact chronological age in reference to his ability to perform one’s task. And ever since he told me that, I stopped worrying.
  • We need true tax reform that will at least make a start toward restoring for our children the American dream that wealth is denied to no one, that each individual has the right to fly as high as his strength and ability will take him.
  • We owe this freedom of choice and action to those men and women in uniform who have served this nation and its interests in time of need. In particular, we are forever indebted to those who have given their lives that we might be free.
  • When the Commander-in-Chief of a nation finds it necessary to order employees of the government or agencies of the government to do things that would technically break the law, he has to be able to declare it legal for them to do that.
  • Make no mistake, abortion-on-demand is not a right granted by the Constitution. No serious scholar, including one disposed to agree with the Court’s result, has argued that the framers of the Constitution intended to create such a right.
  • It should be clear to everyone that the nation’s steadfast policy should afford every American of working age a realistic opportunity to acquire the ownership and control of some meaningful form of property in a growing national economy.
  • We developed at the local school district level probably the best public school system in the world. Or it was until the Federal government added Federal interference to Federal financial aid and eroded educational quality in the process.
  • Life involves effort and growth. You won’t grow by watching a situation comedy, though you can grow by reading a book. I hope we aren’t becoming a nation of watchers, because what made us great is that we’ve always been a nation of doers.
  • We’ve gone astray from first principles. We’ve lost sight of the rule that individual freedom and ingenuity are at the very core of everything that we’ve accomplished. Government’s first duty is to protect the people, not run their lives.
  • Almost all the worlds’ constitutions are documents in which governments tell the people what their privileges are. Our Constitution is a document in which We the People tell the government what it is allowed to do. We the People are free.
  • You will be competing against athletes from many nations. But, most important, you are competing against yourself. All we expect is for you to do your very best, to push yourself just one second faster, one notch higher, one inch further.
  • As for the enemies of freedom, those who are potential adversaries, they will be reminded that peace is the highest aspiration of the American people. We will negotiate for it, sacrifice for it, we will not surrender for it – now or ever.
  • I call upon the scientific community in our country, those who gave us nuclear weapons, to turn their great talents now to the cause of mankind and world peace: to give us the means of rendering these nuclear weapons impotent and obsolete.
  • We can’t have it both ways. We can’t expect God to protect us in a crisis and just leave Him over there on the shelf in our day-to-day living. I wonder if sometimes He isn’t waiting for us to wake up, He isn’t maybe running out of patience.
  • Shouldn’t someone tag Mr. Kennedy’s bold new imaginative program with its proper age? Under the tousled boyish haircut is still old Karl Marx – first launched a century ago. There is nothing new in the idea of a Government being Big Brother.
  • Socialists ignore the side of man that is the spirit. They can provide you shelter, fill your belly with bacon and beans, treat you when you’re ill, all the things guaranteed to a prisoner or a slave. They don’t understand that we also dream.
  • Simple morality dictates that unless and until someone can prove the unborn human is not alive, we must give it the benefit of the doubt and assume it is (alive). And, thus, it should be entitled to life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness.
  • Those concerns of a national character-such as air and water pollution that do not respect state boundaries, or the national transportation system, or efforts to safeguard your civil liberties-must, of course, be handled on the national level.
  • Because you won’t get gun control by disarming law abiding citizens. There’s only one way to get real gun control: Disarm the thugs and the criminals, lock them up, and if you don’t actually throw away the key, at least lose it for a long time.
  • Freedom-loving people around the world must say . . . I am a refugee in a crowded boat foundering off the coast of Vietnam. I am Laotian, a Cambodian, a Cuban, and a Miskito Indian in Nicaragua. I, too, am a potential victim of totalitarianism.
  • The American people aren’t overtaxed. The government in Washington is overfed. The main difference between ourselves and the other side is: we see an America where every day is the Fourth of July. They see an America where every day is April 15.
  • Labor force needs and economic conditions are disregarded in our policies. Many aspects of our current policies and procedures are patently wrong. For example, legal immigration has almost no link to U.S. employment needs or economic conditions.
  • ‘Trust-me’ government asks that we concentrate our hopes and dreams on one man, that we trust him to do what’s best for us. My view of government places trust not in one person or one party, but in those values that transcend persons and parties.
  • Diplomacy, of course, is a subtle and nuanced craft, so much so that it’s said that when the most wily diplomat of the nineteenth-century passed away, other diplomats asked, on reports of his death, “What do you suppose the old fox meant by that?
  • Were not cutting the budget simply for the sake of sounder financial management. This is only a first step toward returning power to the states and communities, only a first step toward reordering the relationship between citizen and government.
  • Our goal is peace. We can gain that peace by strengthening our alliances, by speaking candidly about the dangers before us, by assuring potential adversaries of our seriousness, by actively pursuing every chance of honest and fruitful negotiation.
  • Christmas can be celebrated in the school room with pine trees, tinsel and reindeers, but there must be no mention of the man whose birthday is being celebrated. One wonders how a teacher would answer if a student asked why it was called Christmas.
  • When people tell me that I became President on January 20th, 1981, I feel I have to correct them. You don’t become President of the United States. You are given temporary custody of an institution called the Presidency, which belongs to our people.
  • I’ve long believed one of the mainsprings of our own liberty has been the widespread ownership of property among our people and the expectation that anyone’s child, even from the humblest of families, could grow up to own a business or corporation.
  • I intend to go right on appointing highly qualified individuals of the highest personal integrity to the bench, individuals who understand the danger of short-circuiting the electoral process and disenfranchising the people through judicial activism.
  • As a nation, we must choose between the sanctity of life ethic and the quality of life ethic. I have no trouble identifying the answer our nation has always given to this basic question, and the answer that I hope and pray it will give in the future.
  • In our observances this Memorial Day, we honor the brave Americans who paid the highest price for their commitment to the ideals of peace, freedom, and justice. Our debt to them can be paid only by our own recommitment to preserving those same ideals.
  • Since the foundation of the State of Israel, the United States has stood by her and helped her to pursue security, peace, and economic growth. Our friendship is based on historic moral and strategic ties, as well as our shared dedication to democracy.
  • There are some who’ve forgotten why we have a military. It’s not to promote war. It’s to be prepared for peace. There’s a sign over the entrance to the Fairchild Air Force Base in Washington state, and that sign says it all: ‘Peace is our profession’.
  • I’ve been told that some members of Congress disagree with my tax cut proposal. Well, you know it’s been said that taxation is the art of plucking feathers without killing the bird. It’s time they realized the bird just doesn’t have any feathers left.
  • My belief has always been… that wherever in this land any individual’s constitutional rights are being unjustly denied, it is the obligation of the federal government-at point of bayonet if necessary-to restore that individual’s constitutional rights
  • For centuries the Bible’s emphasis on compassion and love for our neighbor has inspired institutional and governmental expressions of benevolent outreach such as private charity, the establishment of schools and hospitals, and the abolition of slavery.
  • We don’t lump people by groups or special interests. And let me add, in the party of Lincoln there is no room for intolerance and not even a small corner for anti-Semitism or bigotry of any kind. Many people are welcome in our house, but not the bigots.
  • The First Continental Congress made its first act a prayer, the beginning of a great tradition. We have then a lesson from the founders of our land. That lesson is clear: That in the winning of freedom and in the living of life, the first step is prayer.

 

  • This is a matter of vital importance to the public safety … While we recognize that assault-weapon legislation will not stop all assault-weapon crime, statistics prove that we can dry up the supply of these guns, making them less accessible to criminals.
  • Let us remember with devotion that the flag we love and honor is the flag of freedom that flew in victory at Yorktown, the flag the United States Marines raised on Mount Suribachi, the flag Francis Scott Key saw by the dawn’s early light. Long may it wave.
  • America has begun a spiritual reawakening. Faith and hope are being restored. Americans are turning back to God. Church attendance is up. Audiences for religious books and broadcasts are growing. And I do believe that he has begun to heal our blessed land.
  • You and I, as individuals, can, by borrowing, live beyond our means, but for only a limited period of time. Why, then, should we think that collectively, as a nation, we’re not bound by that same limitation? We must act today in order to preserve tomorrow.
  • We’re approaching the end of a bloody century plagued by a terrible political invention, totalitarianism. Optimism comes less easily today, not because democracy is less vigorous, but because democracy’s enemies have refined their instruments of repression.
  • I have recently been told that I am one of the millions of Americans who will be afflicted with Alzheimer’s Disease. . .. I now begin the journey that will lead me into the sunset of my life. I know that for America there will always be a bright dawn ahead.
  • They are our brothers, these freedom fighters…. They are the moral equal of our Founding Fathers and the brave men and women of the French Resistance. We cannot turn away from them, for the struggle here is not right versus left; it is right versus wrong.
  • There is no love like a mother‚Äôs – she who carries the child that God knits in the womb, she who nourishes and guides, she who teaches and inspires, she who gives of her heart and soul and self for the good and the happiness of her children and her family.
  • Our policy is simple: We are not going to betray our friends, reward the enemies of freedom, or permit fear and retreat to become American policies ‚Äî especially in this hemisphere. None of the four wars in my lifetime came about because we were too strong.
  • I recently learned something quite interesting about video games. Many young people have developed incredible hand, eye, and brain coordination in playing these games. The air force believes these kids will be our outstanding pilots should they fly our jets.
  • With regard to the freedom of the individual for choice with regard to abortion, there is one individual who is not being considered at all, and that is the one who is being aborted. And I have noticed that everybody that is for abortion has already been born.
  • Our goals are the same as those of the U.N.’s founders, who sought to replace a world at war with one where the rule of law would prevail, where human rights were honored, where development would blossom, where conflict would give way to freedom from violence.
  • Extreme taxation, excessive controls, oppressive government competition with business, frustrated minorities and forgotten Americans are not the products of free enterprise. They are the residue of centralized bureaucracy, of government by a self-anointed elite.
  • The frustrating thing is that those who are attacking religion claim they are doing it in the name of tolerance, freedom and openmindedness. Question: Isn’t the real truth that they are intolerant of religion? They refuse to tolerate its importance in our lives.
  • Well, I would – if they realized that we – again if – if we led them back to that stalemate only because our retaliatory power, our seconds, or strike at them after our first strike, would be so destructive they they couldn’t afford it, that would hold them off.
  • I know that it is often difficult to stand up for one’s beliefs when they are being harshly challenged. But as one who has seen many challenges over a long lifetime, I can assure you that personal faith and conviction are strengthened, not weakened, in adversity.
  • It’s said that prayer can move mountains. Well, it’s certainly moved the hearts and minds of Americans in their times of trial and helped them to achieve a society that, for all its imperfections, is still the envy of the world and the last, best hope of mankind.
  • The WPA was one of the most productive elements of FDR’s alphabet soup of agencies because it put people to work building roads, bridges, and other projects… It gave men and women a chance to make some money along with the satisfaction of knowing they earned it.
  • It would seem that not only is religion lacking in the schools – so is common sense. I wonder what a teacher is supposed to say if a kid asks about those four words on a dime – ‘In God We Trust.’ Or maybe that’s why they aren’t being taught how to read these days.
  • Freedom is the recognition that no single person, no single authority or government has a monopoly on the truth, but that every individual life is infinitely precious, that every one of us put in this world has been put there for a reason and has something to offer.
  • ALEC has forged a unique partnership between state legislators and leaders from the corporate and business community. This partnership offers businessmen the extraordinary opportunity to apply their talents to solve America’s problems and build on our opportunities.
  • I can’t claim to know the words of all the national anthems in the world, but I don’t know of any other that ends with a question and a challenge as ours does: Does that flag still wave o’er the land of the free and the home of the brave? That is what we must all ask.
  • Every year, an average of 9,200 Americans are murdered by handguns, according to Department of Justice statistics. This does not include suicides or the tens of thousands of robberies, rapes and assaults committed with handguns. This level of violence must be stopped.
  • Only when the human spirit is allowed to invent and create, only when individuals are given a personal stake in deciding economic policies and benefiting from their success – only then can societies remain economically alive, dynamic, prosperous, progressive and free.
  • And let us never forget that in honoring our flag, we honor the American men and women who have courageously fought and died for it over the last 200 years, patriots who set an ideal above any consideration of self. Our flag flies free today because of their sacrifice.
  • I have seen the rise of fascism and communism. Both philosophies glorify the arbitrary power of the state… But both theories fail. Both deny those God-given liberties that are the inalienable right of each person on this planet, indeed, they deny the existence of God.
  • And there is the matter of abortion. We must with calmness and resolve help the vast majority of our fellow Americans understand that the more than 112 million abortions performed in America in 1980 amount to a great moral evil, an assault on the sacredness of human life.
  • My friends, we did it. We weren’t just marking time, we made a difference. We made (America) stronger – we made (America) freer – and we left her in good hands. All in all, not bad. Not bad at all. And so, goodbye. God bless you. And God bless the United States of America.
  • We’re entering our third century now, but it’s wrong to judge our nation by its years. The calendar can’t measure America because we were meant to be an endless experiment in freedom, with no limits to our reaches, no boundaries to what we can do, no end point to our hopes.
  • It is the Soviet Union that runs against the tide of history . . . . [It is] the march of freedom and democracy which will leave Marxism-Leninism on the ash heap of history, as it has left other tyrannies which stifle the freedom and muzzle the self-expression of the people.
  • Our spirit is back, but we haven’t reinstitutionalized it. We’ve got to do a better job of getting across that America is freedom – freedom of speech, freedom of religion, freedom of enterprise. And freedom is special and rare. It’s fragile; it needs production [protection].
  • By outlawing Solidarity, a free trade organization to which an overwhelming majority of Polish workers and farmers belong, they have made it clear that they never had any intention of restoring one of the most elemental human rights the right to belong to a free trade union.
  • My fellow citizens, our nation is poised for greatness. We must do what we know is right, and do it with all our might. Let history say of us: “These were golden years – when the American Revolution was reborn, when freedom gained new life, and America reached for her best.”
  • I warned that there should be no place on Earth where terrorists can rest and train and practice their deadly skills. I meant it. I said that we would act with others, if possible, and alone if necessary to ensure that terrorists have no sanctuary anywhere. Tonight, we have.
  • My philosophy and my belief was that there was a long way for us to go in improving what we had ever known before, that this country of ours was a country of constant improvement. And so I thought that, well, what my whole approach was based on the promise of a better America.
  • It ought to be remembered by all [that] the Games more than 2,000 years ago started as a means of bringing peace between the Greek city-states. And in those days, even if a war was going on, they called off the war in order to hold the Games. I wish we were still as civilized.
  • One of the traditional methods of imposing statism or socialism has been by way of medicine….If you don’t do this, one of these days you and I are going to spend our sunset years telling our children and our children’s children what it was like in American when men were free.
  • What if free people could live secure in the knowledge that their security did not rest upon the threat of instant U.S. retaliation to deter a Soviet attack, that we could intercept and destroy strategic ballistic missiles before they reached our own soil or that of our allies?
  • Concentrated power has always been the enemy of liberty. Democracy is worth dying for, because it’s the most deeply honorable form of government ever devised by man.Entrepreneurs and their small enterprises are responsible for almost all the economic growth in the United States.
  • Meanwhile, what about the workers in those state monopolies that are being put up for sale? I am reminded of a technique for employee ownership that has worked well for many U.S. companies. It goes by various names, but the best known is “Employee Stock Ownership Program,” or ESOP.
  • It doesn’t require expropriation or confiscation of private property or business to impose socialism on a people. What does it mean whether you hold the deed or the title to your business or property if the government holds the power of life and death over that business or property?
  • During my first press conference as president, in answer to a direct question, I pointed out that, as good Marxist-Leninists, the Soviet leaders have openly and publicly declared that the only morality they recognize is that which will further their cause, which is world revolution.
  • Generations hence, parents will take their children to these woods to show them how the land must have looked to the first Pilgrims and pioneers. And as Americans wander through these forests, climb these mountains, they will sense the love and majesty of the Creator of all of that.
  • It was leadership here at home that gave us strong American influence abroad, and the collapse of imperial Communism. Great nations have responsibilities to lead, and we should always be cautious of those who would lower our profile, because they might just wind up lowering our flag.
  • By 1980, we knew it was time to renew our faith, to strive with all our strength toward the ultimate in individual freedom consistent with an orderly society. We believed then and now there are no limits to growth and human progress when men and women are free to follow their dreams.
  • Deficits, as I’ve often said, aren’t caused by too little taxing, they’re caused by too much spending. Presidents can’t appropriate a dollar of tax payers money, only Congressmen can; and Congress is susceptible to all sorts of influences that have nothing to do with good government.
  • I couldn’t help but say to [Mr. Gorbachev], just think how easy his task and mine might be in these meetings that we held if suddenly there was a threat to this world from another planet. [We’d] find out once and for all that we really are all human beings here on this earth together.
  • Our nation was built and civilized by men and women who used guns in self-defense and in pursuit of peace. One wonders indeed, if the rising crime rate, isn’t due as much as anything to the criminal’s instinctive knowledge that the average victim no longer has means of self-protection.
  • A troubled and afflicted mankind looks to us, pleading for us to keep our rendezvous with destiny; that we will uphold the principles of self-reliance, self-discipline, morality, and – above all – responsible liberty for every individual that we will become that shining city on a hill.
  • Die-hard conservatives thought that if I couldn’t get everything I asked for, I should jump off the cliff with the flag flying-go down in flames. No, if I can get 70 or 80 percent of what it is I’m trying to get … I’ll take that and then continue to try to get the rest in the future.
  • Public servants say, always with the best of intentions, ‘What greater service we could render if only we had a little more money and a little more power.’ But the truth is that outside of its legitimate function, government does nothing as well or as economically as the private sector.
  • Now back in 1927 an American socialist, Norman Thomas, six times candidate for president on the Socialist Party ticket, said the American people would never vote for socialism. But he said under the name of liberalism the American people will adopt every fragment of the socialist program.
  • When a business or an individual spends more than it makes, it goes bankrupt. When government does it, it sends you the bill. And when government does it for 40 years, the bill comes in two ways: higher taxes and inflation. Make no mistake about it, inflation is a tax and not by accident.
  • People are tired of wasteful government programs and welfare chiselers, and they are angry about the constant spiral of taxes and government regulations, arrogant bureaucrats, and public officials who think all of mankind’s problems can be solved by throwing the taxpayers dollars at them.
  • Freedom is the very essence of our nation. To be sure, ours is not a perfect nation. But even with our troubles, we remain the beacon of hope for oppressed peoples everywhere. Never give up the fight for freedom – a fight which, though it may never end, is the most ennobling known to man.
  • In Israel, free men and women are every day demonstrating the power of courage and faith. Back in 1948 when Isreal was founded, pundits claimed the new country could never survive. Today, no one questions that. Israel is a land of stability and democracy in a region of tyranny and unrest.
  • The crew of the space shuttle Challenger honored us by the manner in which they lived their lives. We will never forget them, nor the last time we saw them, this morning, as they prepared for their journey and waved good-bye and ‘slipped the surly bonds of earth’ to ‘touch the face of God.
  • Some months before I declared, I asked for a meeting and crossed the border to meet with the president of Mexico. I did not go with a plan. I went, as I said in my announcement address, to ask him his ideas – how we could make the border something other than a locale for a nine-foot fence.
  • This is the real task before us: to reassert our commitment as a nation to a law higher than our own, to renew our spiritual strength. Only by building a wall of such spiritual resolve can we, as a free people, hope to protect our own heritage and make it someday the birthright of all men.
  • There are no words to express the extraordinary strength and character of this breed of people we call American. They are the kind of men and women Tom Paine had in mind when he wrote, during the darkest days of the American Revolution, we have it in our power to begin the world over again.
  • Now, so there will be no misunderstanding, it’s not my intention to do away with government. It is rather to make it work – work with us, not over us; to stand by our side, not ride on our back. Government can and must provide opportunity, not smother it; foster productivity, not stifle it.
  • As two proud and independent peoples, there is much that distinguishes us one from the other, but there is also much that we share: a vast continent, with its common hardships and uncommon duties; generations of mutual respect and support, and an abiding friendship that grows ever stronger.
  • Where others fear trade and economic growth, we see opportunities for creating new wealth and undreamed-of opportunities for millions in our own land and beyond. Where others seek to throw up barriers, we seek to bring them down; where others take counsel of their fears, we follow our hopes.
  • I think there are some things … that may even be distorted in the practice, such as some affirmative action programs becoming quota systems. And I’m old enough to remember when quotas existed in the United States for the purpose of discrimination, and I don’t want to see that happen again.
  • We can’t build a safer world with honorable intentions and good will alone. Achieving the fundamental goals our nation seeks in world affairs – peace, human rights, economics progress national independence and international stability – means supporting our friends and defending our interests.
  • Freedom is a fragile thing and is never more than one generation away from extinction. It is not ours by inheritance; it must be fought for and defended constantly by each generation, for it comes only once to a people. Those who have known freedom, and then lost it, have never known it again.
  • As long as there are guns, the individual that wants a gun for a crime is going to have one and going to get it. The only person who’s going to be penalized and have difficulty is the law-abiding citizen, who then cannot have [it] if he wants protection — the protection of a weapon in his home.
  • Throughout our history Americans have put their faith in God and no one can doubt that we have been blessed for it. The earliest settlers of this land came came in search of religious freedom. Landing on a desolate shoreline, they established a spiritual foundation that has served us ever since.
  • Congressional mistakes have dramatically increased immigration through a series of what I believe were ill-advised actions going back to 1965 when the basic notions of our immigration laws were revised. In 1990, Congress opened the floodgates by passing a 35-percent increase in legal immigration.
  • I believe we must resolve the problem at our southern border with full regard to the problems and needs of Mexico. I have suggested legalizing the entry of Mexican labor into this country on much the same basis you proposed, although I have not put it into the sense of restoring the bracero program.
  • I just have to believe that with love for our natural heritage and a firm resolve to preserve it with wisdom and care, we can and will give the American land to our children, not impaired, but enhanced. And in doing this, we’ll honor the great and loving God who gave us this land in the first place.
  • The Congress of the United States, in recognition of the unique contribution of the Bible in shaping the history and character of this Nation, and so many of its citizens, has by Senate Joint Resolution 165 authorized and requested the President to designate the year 1983 as the ‘Year of the Bible.’
  • The American Petroleum Institute filed suit against the EPA [and] charged that the agency was suppressing a scientific study for fear it might be misinterpreted… The suppressed study reveals that 80 percent of air pollution comes not from chimneys and auto exhaust pipes, but from plants and trees.
  • ..should never have been expelled from America’s schools. As we struggle to teach our children…we dare not forget that our civilization was built by men and women who placed their faith in a loving God. If Congress can begin each day with a moment of prayer…so then can our sons and daughters.
  • The dustbin of history is littered with remains of those countries that relied on diplomacy to secure their freedom. We must never forget . . . in the final analysis . . . that it is our military, industrial and economic strength that offers the best guarantee of peace for America in times of danger.
  • The Declaration of Independence and the Constitution of these United States are covenants we have made not only with ourselves, but with all mankind. Our founding documents proclaim to the world that freedom is not the sole prerogative of a chosen few. It is the universal right of all God’s children.
  • In the 38th chapter of Ezekiel, it says that the land of Israel will come under attack by the armies of the ungodly nations, and it says that Libya will be among them. Do you understand the significance of that? Libya has now gone Communist, and that’s a sign that the day of Armageddon isn’t far off.
  • There you go again. When I opposed Medicare, there was another piece of legislation meeting the same problem before the Congress. I happened to favor the other piece of legislation and thought that it would be better for the senior citizens to provide better care than the one that was finally passed.
  • One of the traditional methods of imposing statism or socialism on a people has been by way of medicine. It‚Äôs very easy to disguise a medical program as a humanitarian project, most people are a little reluctant to oppose anything that suggests medical care for people who possibly can‚Äôt afford it.
  • I am told that tens of thousands of prayer meetings are being held on this day; for that I am deeply grateful. We are a nation under God, and I believe God intended for us to be free. It would be fitting and good, I think, if on each inaugural day in future years it should be declared a day of prayer.
  • For one, we very much need in any immigration bill – we need protection for people who are in this country and who have not become citizens, for example, that they are protected and legitimized and given permanent residency here. And we want to see some things of that kind added to the immigration bill.
  • Anytime you and I question the schemes of the do-gooders, we’re denounced as being against their humanitarian goals. They say we’re always “against” things-we’re never “for” anything. Well, the trouble with our liberal friends is not that they’re ignorant; it’s just that they know so much that isn’t so.
  • Whatever else history may say about me when I’m gone, I hope it will record that I appealed to your best hopes, not your worst fears; to your confidence rather than your doubts. My dream is that you will travel the road ahead with liberty’s lamp guiding your steps and opportunity’s arm steadying your way.
  • Illegal immigrants in considerable numbers have become productive members of our society and are a basic part of our work force. Those who have established equities in the United States should be recognized and accorded legal status. At the same time, in so doing, we must not encourage illegal immigration.
  • I have seen the rise and fall of Nazi tyranny, the subsequent cold war and the nuclear nightmare that for fifty years haunted the dreams of children everywhere. During that time my generation defeated totalitarianism. As a result, your world is poised for better tomorrows. What will you do on your journey?
  • In 1939 Winston Churchill, describing the 5000-mile peaceful border dividing Canada and the United States, said, ‘That long frontier from the Atlantic to the Pacific Oceans, guarded only by neighborly respect and honorable obligations, is an example to every country and a pattern for the future of the world.
  • America is a melting pot, and education has been a mainspring for our democracy and freedom, a means of providing gifts of knowledge and opportunity to all citizens, no matter how humble their background, so they could climb higher, help build the American dream, and leave a better life for those who follow.
  • Our enemies may be irrational, even outright insane, driven by nationalism, religion, ethnicity or ideology. They do not fear the United States for its diplomatic skills or the number of automobiles and software programs it produces. They respect only the firepower of our tanks, planes and helicopter gunships.
  • Abraham Lincoln recognized that we could not survive as a free land when some men could decide that others were not fit to be free and should therefore be slaves. Likewise, we cannot survive as a free nation when some men decide that others are not fit to live and should be abandoned to abortion or infanticide.
  • The founders of the United Nations expected that member nations would behave and vote as individuals after they had weighed the merits of an issue – rather like a great, global town meeting. The emergence of blocks and the polarization of the United Nations undermine all that this organization initially valued.
  • I want you to know that this administration is motivated by a political philosophy that sees the greatness of America in you, her people, and in your families, churches, neighborhoods, communities – the institutions that foster and nourish values like concern for others and respect for the rule of law under God.
  • The years ahead will be great ones for our country, for the cause of freedom and the spread of civilization. The West will not contain Communism, it will transcend Communism. We will not bother to denounce it, we’ll dismiss it as a sad, bizarre chapter in human history whose last pages are even now being written.
  • This is not the time for political fun and games. This is the time for a new beginning. I ask you now to put aside any feelings of frustration or helplessness about our political institutions and join me in this dramatic but responsible plan to reduce the enormous burden of Federal taxation on you and your family.
  • America has always been greatest when we dared to be great. We can reach for greatness again. We can follow our dreams to distant stars, living and working in space for peaceful, economic, and scientific gain. Tonight, I am directing NASA to develop a permanently manned space station, and to do it within a decade.
  • God, the source of our knowledge, has been expelled from the classroom. He gives us His greatest blessing, life, and yet many would condone the taking of innocent life. We expect Him to protect us in a crisis, but turn away from Him too often in our day-to-day living. I wonder if He isn’t waiting for us to wake up.
  • The American taxing structure, the purpose of which was to serve the people, began instead to serve the insatiable appetite of government. If you will forgive me, you know someone has once likened government to a baby. It is an alimentary canal with an appetite at one end and no sense of responsibility at the other.
  • Education is like a diamond with many facets: It includes the basic mastery of numbers and letters that give us access to the treasury of human knowledge, accumulated and refined through the ages; it includes technical and vocational training as well as instruction in science, higher mathematics, and humane letters.
  • Every honor is appropriate for the courageous Americans who made the supreme sacrifice for our Nation at Pearl Harbor and in the many battles that followed in World War II. Their sacrifice was for a cause, not for conquest; for a world that would be safe for future generations. Their devotion must never be forgotten.
  • We are a nation that has a government – not the other way around. And this makes us special among the nations of the earth. Our government has no power except that granted to it by the people It is time to check and reverse the growth of government which shows signs of having grown beyond the consent of the governed.
  • Will you resist the temptation to get a government handout for your community? Realize that the doctor’s fight against socialized medicine is your fight. We can’t socialize the doctors without socializing the patients. Recognize that government invasion of public power is eventually an assault upon your own business.
  • The societies which have achieved the most spectacular broad-based economic progress in the shortest period of time are not the most tightly controlled, not necessarily the biggest in size, or the wealthiest in natural resources. No, what unites them all is their willingness to believe in the magic of the marketplace.
  • Poland is at the center of European civilization. It has contributed mightily to that civilization. It is doing so today by being magnificently unreconciled to oppression. Poland’s struggle to be Poland and to secure the basic rights we often take for granted, demonstrates why we dare not take those rights for granted.
  • Perhaps no custom reveals our character as a Nation so clearly as our celebration of Thanksgiving Day. Rooted deeply in our Judeo-Christian heritage, the practice of offering thanksgiving underscores our unshakable belief in God as the foundation of our Nation and our firm reliance upon Him from Whom all blessings flow.
  • Have we the courage and the will to face up to the immorality and discrimination of the progressive tax, and demand a return to traditional proportionate taxation? … Today in our country the tax collector’s share is 37 cents of every dollar earned. Freedom has never been so fragile, so close to slipping from our grasp.
  • To those who cite the first amendment as reason for excluding God from more and more of our institutions and everyday life, may I just say: The first amendment of the Constitution was not written to protect the people of this country from religious values; it was written to protect religious values from government tyranny.
  • Sixty percent of our immigrants are admitted merely because they have relatives here. Many of these people are not immediate relative, but are part of extended families. The nepotistic U.S. policy lets in relatives then lets in the relatives’ relatives, and so on, creating an endless and ever growing chain of new immigrants.
  • We cannot survive as a free nation when some men decide that others are not fit to live and should be abandoned to abortion or infanticide…t here is no cause more important for preserving that freedom than affirming the transcendent right to life of all human beings, the right without which no other rights have any meaning.
  • We must never remain silent in the face of bigotry. We must condemn those who seek to divide us. In all quarters and at all times, we must teach tolerance and denounce racism, anti-Semitism and all ethnic or religious bigotry wherever they exist as unacceptable evils. We have no place for haters in America — none, whatsoever.
  • I’ve often wondered about the shyness of some of us in the West about standing for these ideals that have done so much to ease the plight of man and the hardships of our imperfect world. Let us be shy no longer. Let us go to our strength. Let us offer hope. Let us tell the world that a new age is not only possible, but probable.
  • We have seen numerous instances in which American businesses have brought in foreign skilled workers after having laid off skilled American workers, simply because they can get the foreign workers more cheaply. It has become a major means of circumventing the costs of paying skilled American workers or the costs of training them.
  • The most fundamental paradox is that if we’re never to use force, we must be prepared to use it and to use it successfully. We Americans don’t want war and we don’t start fights. We don’t maintain a strong military force to conquer or coerce others. The purpose of our military is simple and straightforward: we want to prevent war.
  • The NRA believes America’s laws were made to be obeyed and that our Constitutional liberties are just as important today as 200 years ago. And by the way, the Constitution does not say Government shall decree the right to keep and bear arms. The Constitution says ‘The right of the people to keep and bear arms shall not be infringed.’
  • You hear a lot of jokes every once in a while about ‘Silent Cal Coolidge.’ The joke is on the people who make the jokes. Look at his record. He cut the taxes four times. We had probably the greatest growth and prosperity that we’ve ever known. I have taken heed of that because if he did that by doing nothing, maybe that’s the answer.
  • The Democrats say that the United States has had its days in the sun, that our nation has passed its zenith. They expect you to tell your children that the American people no longer have the will to cope with their problems, that the future will be one of sacrifice and few opportunities. My fellow citizens, I utterly reject that view.
  • I, in my own mind, have always thought of America as a place in the divine scheme of things that was set aside as a promised land…Any person with the courage, with the desire to tear up their roots, to strive for freedom, to attempt and dare to live in a strange and foreign place, to travel halfway across the world was welcome here.
  • Today, we’re taking a break from the concerns and the bustle of the work-a-day world. But we’re also making a new beginning. As we gather around our dining room tables for the midday meal, let us thank God for life and the blessings He’s put before us. High among them are our families, our freedom, and the opportunities of a new year.
  • If you serve a child a rotten hamburger in America, federal, state, and local agencies will investigate you, summon you, close you down, whatever. But if you provide a child with a rotten education, nothing happens, except that you’re liable to be given more money to do it with. Well, we’ve discovered that money alone isn’t the answer.
  • We are at war with the most dangerous enemy that has ever faced mankind in his long climb from the swamp to the stars, and it has been said if we lose that war, and in so doing lose this way of freedom of ours, history will record with the greatest astonishment that those who had the most to lose did the least to prevent its happening.
  • The people of Central America – and, in a broader sense, the entire developing world – need to know first-hand that freedom and opportunity are not just for the elite, but the birthright of every citizen; that property is not just something enjoyed by a few, but can be owned by any individual who works hard and makes correct decisions.
  • I think, too, that we’ve got to recognize that where the preservation of a natural resource like the redwoods is concerned, that there is a common sense limit. I mean, if you’ve looked at a hundred thousand acres or so of trees-you know, a tree is a tree, how many more do you need to look at? Opposing expansion of Redwood National Park.
  • We remember those who were called upon to give all a person can give, and we remember those who were prepared to make that sacrifice if it were demanded of them in the line of duty, though it never was. Most of all, we remember the devotion and gallantry with which all of them ennobled their nation as they became champions of a noble cause.
  • All of us can see what happens once you establish the precedent that the government can determine a man’s working place and his working methods, determine his employment. From here it’s a short step to all the rest of socialism, to determining his pay….He will wait for the government to tell him where he will go to work and what he will do.
  • I’ve always thought New Year’s Day was an especially American tradition, full of the optimism and hope we’re famous for in our daily lives — an energy and confidence we call the American spirit. Perhaps because we know we control our own destiny, we believe deep down inside that working together we can make each new year better than the old.
  • You and I have a rendezvous with destiny. We will preserve for our children this, the last best hope of man on earth, or we will sentence them to take the first step into a thousand years of darkness. If we fail, at least let our children and our children‚Äôs children say of us we justified our brief moment here. We did all that could be done.
  • I think all of us are agreed that war is probably man’s greatest stupidity and I think peace is the dream that lives in the heart of everyone wherever he may be in the world, but unfortunately, unlike a family quarrel, it doesn’t take two to make a war. It only takes one, unless the other one is prepared to surrender at the first hint of force.
  • The founders of the United Nations sought to replace a world at war with a world of civilized order. They hoped that a world of relentless conflict would give way to a new era, one where freedom from violence prevailed…. But the awful truth is that the use of violence for political gain has become more, not less, widespread in the last decade.
  • I’ve often wondered, what if all of us in the world discovered that we were threatened by an outer — a power from outer space, from another planet. Wouldn’t we all of a sudden find that we didn’t have any differences between us at all, we were all human beings, citizens of the world, and wouldn’t we come together to fight that particular threat?
  • Someday, the realm of liberty and justice will encompass the planet. Freedom is not just the birthright of the few, it is the God-given right of all His children, in every country. It won’t come by conquest. It will come, because freedom is right and freedom works. It will come, because cooperation and good will among free people will carry the day.
  • I believe that communism is another sad, bizarre chapter in human history whose last pages even now are being written. I believe this because the source of our strength in the quest for human freedom is not material, but spiritual. And because it knows no limitation, it must terrify and ultimately triumph over those who would enslave their fellow men.
  • There is no institution more vital to our Nation’s survival than the American family. Here the seeds of personal character are planted, the roots of public virtue first nourished. Through love and instruction, discipline, guidance and example, we learn from our mothers and fathers the values that will shape our private lives and our public citizenship.
  • With all this talk about the supposed strain in relations [with the Soviet Union], there is an inference that somehow it is our fault. But we didn’t kill Russian civilians by shooting down a civilian airplane. We didn’t attempt to conquer an adjacent country to ours. We didn’t walk out on negotiations and refuse to give a date for when we would resume.
  • The United States and the freedom for which it stands, the freedom for which they died, must endure and prosper. Their lives remind us that freedom is not bought cheaply. It has a cost; it imposes a burden. And just as they whom we commemorate were willing to sacrifice, so too must we – in a less final, less heroic way – be willing to give of ourselves.
  • We in America have learned bitter lessons from two world wars: It is better to be here [in Europe] ready to protect the peace, than to take blind shelter across the sea, rushing to respond only after freedom is lost.  We’ve learned that isolationism never was and never will be an acceptable response to tyrannical governments with an expansionist intent.
  • We can look forward to the day when the free flow of trade, from the southern reaches of Tierra del Fuego to the northern outposts of the Arctic Circle, unites the people of the Western Hemisphere in a bond of mutually beneficial exchange, when all borders become what the U.S.-Canadian border so long has been: a meeting place, rather than a dividing line.
  • Great nations which fail to meet their responsibilities are consigned to the dustbin of history. We grew from that small, weak republic which had as its assets spirit, optimism, faith in God and an unshakeable belief that free men and women could govern themselves wisely. We became the leader of the free world, an example for all those who cherish freedom.
  • Politics and morality are inseparable. And as morality’s foundation is religion, religion and politics are necessarily related. We need religion as a guide. We need it because we are imperfect, and our government needs the church, because only those humble enough to admit they’re sinners can bring to democracy the tolerance it requires in order to survive.
  • I think it’s time we ask ourselves if we still know the freedoms that were intended for us by the Founding Fathers… Whether we believe in our capacity for self-government or whether we abandon the American Revolution and confess that a little intellectual elite in a far-distant capital can plan our lives for us better than we can plan them for ourselves.
  • I would like to dissolve the $10 billion national Department of Education created by President Carter and turn schools back to the local school districts, where we built the greatest public school system the world has ever seen. I think I can make a case that the decline in the quality of public education began when federal aid became federal interference.
  • Our economic assistance must be carefully targeted, and must make maximum use of the energy and efforts of the private sector… Economic freedom is the world’s mightiest engine for abundance and social justice… Developing countries need to be encouraged to experiment with a growing variety of arrangements for profit sharing and expanded capital ownership.
  • Remember that every government service, every offer of government – financed security, is paid for in the loss of personal freedom… In the days to come, whenever a voice is raised telling you to let the government do it, analyze very carefully to see whether the suggested service is worth the personal freedom which you must forgo in return for such service.
  • If we’ve learned any lessons during the past few decades, perhaps the most important is that preservation of our environment is not a partisan challenge; it’s common sense. Our physical health, our social happiness, and our economic well-being will be sustained only by all of us working in partnership as thoughtful, effective stewards of our natural resources.
  • We have God’s promise that what we give will be given back many times over, so let us go forth from here and rekindle the fire of our faith. Let our wisdom be vindicated by our deeds. We are told in II Timothy that when our work is done, we can say, “We have fought the good fight. We have finished the race. We have kept the faith.” This is an evidence of it.
  • Our nation is indeed fortunate that we can still draw on an immense reservoir of courage, character, and fortitude, that we are still blessed with heroes like those of the Space Shuttle Challenger. Man will continue his conquest of space. To reach out for new goals and ever-greater achievements, that is the way we shall commemorate our seven Challenger heroes.
  • The First Amendment of the Constitution was not written to protect the people from religion; that amendment was written to protect religion from government tyranny. . . But now we’re told our children have no right to pray in school. Nonsense. The pendulum has swung too far toward intolerance against genuine religious freedom. It is time to redress the balance.
  • The men of Normandy had faith that what they were doing was right, faith that they fought for all humanity, faith that a just God would grant them mercy on this beachhead or the next. It was the deep knowledge – and pray God we have not lost it – that there is a profound moral difference between the use of force for liberation and the use of force for conquest.
  • Two visions of the world remain locked in dispute. The first believes all men are created equal by a loving God who has blessed us with freedom. The second vision believes that religion is opium for the masses. It believes that eternal principles like truth, liberty, and democracy have no meaning beyond the whim of the state. And [Vladimir] Lenin spoke for them.
  • Two Soviets . . . were talking to each other. And one of them asked, “What’s the difference between the Soviet Constitution and the United States Constitution?” And the other one said, “That’s easy. The Soviet Constitution guarantees freedom of speech and freedom of gathering. The American Constitution guarantees freedom after speech and freedom after gathering.”
  • There is a fundamental difference between separation of church and state and denying the spiritual heritage of this country. Inscribed on the Jefferson Memorial in Washington, D.C. are Jefferson’s words, ‘The God Who gave us life gave us liberty — can the liberties of a nation be secure when we have removed a conviction that these liberties are the gift of God?’
  • As we celebrate Thanksgiving, we should reflect on the full meaning of this day as we enjoy the fellowship that is so much a part of the holiday festivities. Searching our hearts, we should ask what we can do as individuals to demonstrate our gratitude to God for all He has done. Such reflection can only add to the significance of this precious day of remembrance.
  • On Father’s Day, we pay tribute to all in our society who have taken on the responsibilities and joys of fatherhood. Whether our fathers are near at hand or a continent away, with their families or watching from the light of eternity, we take this day to remember them, to say our thanks for the years they have given us, and to ask that they receive God’s blessings.
  • I have flown twice over Mount St. Helens out on our West Coast. I’m not a scientist and I don’t know the figures, but I have a suspicion that that one little mountain has probably released more sulfur dioxide into the atmosphere of the world than has been released in the last ten years of automobile driving or things of that kind that people are so concerned about.
  • Directly down the lawn and accross the Ellipse from the White House are those ordered, classic lines of the Jefferson Memorial and the eyes of the 19-foot statue that gaze directly into the White House, a reminder to any of us who might occupy that mansion of the quality of mind and generosity of heart that once abided there and has been so rarely seen there again.
  • It is my fervent goal and hope… that we will someday no longer have to rely on nuclear weapons to deter aggression and assure world peace. To that end the United States is now engaged in a serious and sustained effort to negotiate major reductions in levels of offensive nuclear weapons with the ultimate goal of eliminating these weapons from the face of the earth.
  • The same technology transforming our lives can solve the greatest problem of the 20th century. A security shield can one day render nuclear weapons obsolete and free mankind from the prison of nuclear terror. America met one historic challenge and went to the Moon. Now America must meet another: to make our strategic defense real for all the citizens of planet Earth.
  • The people’s instincts are still right. You see them come to the rescue of someone-a child who falls down a well-hundreds of people rush to help, and labor and equipment are volunteered without any thought of who’s going to pay for it. This is a basic feeling in Americans. They don’t stand back in such a circumstance and ask what the government’s going to do about it.
  • I was 21 and looking for work in 1932, one of the worst years of the Great Depression. And I can remember one bleak night in the thirties when my father learned on Christmas Eve that he’d lost his job. To be young in my generation was to feel that your future had been mortgaged out from under you, and that’s a tragic mistake we must never allow our leaders to make again.
  • The glory of this land has been its capacity for transcending the moral evils of our past. For example, the long struggle of minority citizens for equal rights, once a source of disunity and civil war, is now a point of pride for all Americans.  We must never go back.  There is no room for racism, anti-Semitism, or other forms of ethnic and racial hatred in this country.
  • Yet optimism is in order, because day by day democracy is proving itself to be a not-at-all-fragile flower. From Stettin on the Baltic to Varna on the Black Sea, the regimes planted by totalitarianism have had more than 30 years to establish their legitimacy. But none – not one regime – has yet been able to risk free elections. Regimes planted by bayonets do not take root.
  • He will long be remembered as one of the great Christian thinkers of our century, with a childlike faith and a profound compassion toward others. It can rarely be said of an individual that his life touched many others and affected them for the better; it will be said of Francis Schaeffer that his life touched millions of souls and brought them to the truth of their creator.
  • Going around this country, I have found a great hunger in America for spiritual revival; for a belief that law must be based on a higher law; for a return to traditions and values that we once had. Our government, in its most sacred documents – the Constitution and the Declaration of Independence and all – speak of man being created, of a Creator; that we’re a nation under God.
  • Let the Fourth of July always be a reminder that here in this land, for the first time, it was decided that man is born with certain God-given rights; that government is only a convenience created and managed by the people, with no powers of its own except those voluntarily granted to it by the people. We sometimes forget that great truth, and we never should. Happy Fourth of July.
  • You know, by the time you reach my age, you’ve made plenty of mistakes if you’ve lived your life properly. So you learn. You put things in perspective. You pull your energies together. You change. You go forward. My fellow Americans, I have a great deal that I want to accomplish with you and for you over the next two years. And, the Lord willing, that’s exactly what I intend to do.
  • Someone asked me whether I was aware of all the people out there who were praying for the President. And I had to say, “Yes, I am. I’ve felt it. I believe in intercessory prayer.” But I couldn’t help but say to that questioner after he’d asked the question that – or at least say to them that if sometimes when he was praying he got a busy signal, it was just me in there ahead of him.
  • We’ve been a free people living under the law, with faith in our Maker and in our future. I’ve said before that the most sublime picture in American history is of George Washington on his knees in the snow at Valley Forge. That image personifies a people who know that it’s not enough to depend on our own courage and goodness; we must also seek help from God, our Father and Preserver.
  • Common sense told us that to preserve the peace, we’d have to become strong again after years of weakness and confusion. So, we rebuilt our defenses, and this New Year we toasted the new peacefulness around the globe. Not only have the superpowers actually begun to reduce their stockpiles of nuclear weapons…but the regional conflicts that rack the globe are also beginning to cease.
  • The one thing our Founding Fathers could not foresee – they were farmers, professional men, businessmen giving of their time and effort to an idea that became a country – was a nation governed by professional politicians who had an interest in getting re-elected. They probably envisioned a fellow serving a couple of hitches and then eagerly looking forward to getting back to the farm.
  • Well, the task I’ve set forth will long outlive our own generation. But together, we too have come through the worst. Let us now begin a major effort to secure the best- a crusade for freedom that will engage the faith and fortitude of the next generation. For the sake of peace and justice, let us move toward a world in which all people are at last free to determine their own destiny.
  • Freedom is always just one generation away from extinction. We don’t pass it to our children in the bloodstream. We have to fight for it and protect it and then hand it to them, so that they shall do the same, or we’re going to find ourselves spending our sunset years telling our children and our children’s children, about a time in America, back in the day, when men and women were free.
  • Ending inflation means freeing all Americans from the terror of runaway living costs. …  We have every right to dream heroic dreams.  Those who say that we are in a time when there are no heroes just don’t know where to look. …  Above all, we must realize that no arsenal, or no weapon in the arsenals of the world, is so formidable as the will and moral courage of free men and women.
  • All systems are capitalist. It’s just a matter of who owns and controls the capital — ancient king, dictator, or private individual. We should properly be looking at the contrast between a free market system where individuals have the right to live like kings if they have the ability to earn that right and government control of the market system such as we find today in socialist nations.
  • Mankind’s journey into space, like every great voyage of discovery, will become part of our unending journey of liberation. In the limitless reaches of space, we will find liberation from tyranny, from scarcity, from ignorance and from war. We will find the means to protect this Earth and to nurture every human life, and to explore the universe. . . .This is our mission, this is our destiny.
  • Since when do we in America believe that our society is made up of two diametrically opposed classes – one rich, one poor – both in a permanent state of conflict and neither able to get ahead except at the expense of the other? Since when do we in America accept this alien and discredited theory of social and class warfare? Since when do we in America endorse the politics of envy and division?
  • An old Russian woman goes into Kremlin, gets an audience with Mikhail Gorbachev and says, In America anyone can go to the White House, walk up to Reagan’s desk and say, ‘I don’t like the way you are running the country.’ Gorbachev replied, You can do the same thing in the Soviet Union.  You can go into the Kremlin, walk up to my desk and say ‘I don’t like the way Reagan is running his country.’
  • Government is not a solution to our problem, government is the problem. … Government does not solve problems; it subsidizes them. Government’s view of the economy could be summed up in a few short phrases: If it moves, tax it. If it keeps moving, regulate it. If it stops moving, subsidize it. … The problem is not that people are taxed too little, the problem is that government spends too much.
  • Today, we’re taking a break from the concerns and the bustle of the work-a-day world. But we’re also making a new beginning… Let us renew our faith that as free men and women we still have the power to better our lives, and let us resolve to face the challenges of the new year holding that conviction firmly in our hearts. That, after all, is our greatest strength and our greatest gift as Americans.
  • I also believe this blessed land was set apart in a very special way, a country created by men and women who came here not in search of gold, but in search of God. They would be free people, living under the law with faith in their Maker and their future. Sometimes, it seems we’ve strayed from that noble beginning, from our conviction that standards of right and wrong do exist and must be lived up to.
  • There is a flickering spark in us all which, if struck at just the right age…can light the rest of our lives, elevating our ideals, deepening our tolerance, and sharpening our appetite for knowledge about the rest of the world. Educational and cultural exchanges…provide a perfect opportunity for this precious spark to grow, making us more sensitive and wiser international citizens through our careers.
  • America’s foreign policy supports freedom, democracy, and human dignity for all mankind, and we make no apologies for it. The opportunity society that we want for ourselves we also want for others, not because we’re imposing our system on others but because those opportunities belong to all people as God-given birthrights and because by promoting democracy and economic opportunity we make peace more secure.
  • Today, the United States stands as a beacon of liberty and democratic strength before the community of nations. We are resolved to stand firm against those who would destroy the freedoms we cherish. We are determined to achieve an enduring peace – a peace with liberty and with honor. This determination, this resolve, is the highest tribute we can pay to the many who have fallen in the service of our Nation.
  • My central arms control objective has been to reduce substantially and ultimately to eliminate nuclear weapons and rid the world of the nuclear threat. The prevention of the spread of nuclear explosives is to additional countries is an indispensable part of our efforts to meet this objective. I intend to continue my pursuit of this goal with untiring determination and a profound sense of personal commitment.
  • In closing, let me thank you, the American people, for giving me the great honor of allowing me to serve as your president. When the Lord calls me home, whenever that day may be, I will leave with the greatest love for this country of ours and eternal optimism for its future. I now begin the journey that will lead me into the sunset of my life. I know that for America there will always be a bright dawn ahead.
  • After watching the State of the Union address the other night [1994], I’m reminded of the old adage that imitation is the sincerest form of flattery. Only in this case, it’s not flattery, but grand larceny: the intellectual theft of ideas that you and I recognize as our own. Speech delivery counts for little on the world stage unless you have convictions, and, yes, the vision to see beyond the front row seats.
  • Well, it [evolution] is a theory, it is a scientific theory only, and it has in recent years been challenged in the world of science and is not yet believed in the scientific community to be as infallible as it once was believed. But if it was going to be taught in the schools, then I think that also the biblical theory of creation, which is not a theory but the biblical story of creation, should also be taught.
  • There are those, of course, who claim we must give up freedom in exchange for economic progress. Well, pardon me, but anyone trying to sell you that line is no better than a three-card-trick man. One thing becoming more clear every day is that freedom and progress go hand in hand. Throughout the developing world, people are rejecting socialism because they see that it doesn’t empower people, it impoverishes them.
  • Although I held public office for a total of sixteen years, I also thought of myself as a citizen-politician, not a career one. Every now and then when I was in government, I would remind my associates that “When we start thinking of government as ‘us’ instead of ‘them,’ we’ve been here too long.” By that I mean that elected officeholders need to retain a certain skepticism about the perfectibility of government.
  • The Montreal Protocol is a model of cooperation. It is a product of the recognition and international consensus that ozone depletion is a global problem, both in terms of its causes and its effects. The protocol is the result of an extraordinary process of scientific study, negotiations among representatives of the business and environmental communities, and international diplomacy. It is a monumental achievement.
  • You and I are told we must choose between a left or right, but I suggest there is no such thing as a left or right. There is only an up or down. Up to man’s age-old dream — the maximum of individual freedom consistent with order –or down to the ant heap of totalitarianism. Regardless of their sincerity, their humanitarian motives, those who would sacrifice freedom for security have embarked on this downward path.
  • So in your discussions of the nuclear freeze proposals, I urge you to beware the temptation of pride – the temptation blithely to declare yourselves above it all and label both sides equally at fault, to ignore the facts of history and the aggressive impulses of an evil empire, to simply call the arms race a giant misunderstanding and thereby remove yourself from the struggle between right and wrong, good and evil.
  • The real question today is not when human life begins, but, what is the value of human life? The abortionist who reassembles the arms and legs of a tiny baby to make sure all its parts have been torn from its mother’s body can hardly doubt whether it is a human being. The real question for him and for all of us is whether that tiny human life has a God-given right to be protected by the law – the same right we have.
  • Now I realize it’s fashionable in some circles to believe that no one in government should encourage others to read the Bible. That we’re told we’ll violate the constitutional separation of church and state established by the Founding Fathers and the First Amendment. The First Amendment was not written to protect people and their laws from religious values. It was written to protect those values from government tyranny.
  • And one more idea which may be laughed and sneered at in some supposedly sophisticated circles, but I just have to believe that the loving God who has blessed this land and thus made us a good and caring people should never have been expelled from America’s classrooms. It’s time to welcome Him back, because whenever we’ve opened ourselves and trusted in Him, we’ve gained not only moral courage but intellectual strength.
  • The despicable North Korean attack in Rangoon deprived us of trusted advisers and friends. So many of those who died had won admirers in America as they studied with us or guided us with their counsel. I personally recall the wisdom and composure of Foreign Minister Lee, with whom I met in Washington just a few short months ago. To the families and countrymen of all those who were lost, America expresses its deep sorrow.
  • At the root of everything that we‚Äôre trying to accomplish is the belief that America has a mission. We are a nation of freedom, living under God, believing all citizens must have the opportunity to grow, create wealth, and build a better life for those who follow. If we live up to those moral values, we can keep the American dream alive for our children and our grandchildren, and America will remain mankind‚Äôs best hope.
  • Regimes planted by bayonets do not take root… Our military strength is a prerequisite to peace, but let it be clear we maintain this strength in the hope it will never be used, for the ultimate determinant in the struggle that’s now going on in the world will not be bombs and rockets but a test of wills and ideas, a trial of spiritual resolve, the values we hold, the beliefs we cherish, the ideals to which we are dedicated.
  • In an ironic sense, Karl Marx was right. We are witnessing today a great revolutionary crisis, a crisis where the demands of the economic order are conflicting directly with those of the political order. But the crisis is happening not in the . . . West, but in the home of Marxism-Leninism, the Soviet Union. It is the Soviet Union that runs against the tide of history by denying human freedom and human dignity to its citizens.
  • Isn’t our choice really not one of left or right, but of up or down? Down through the welfare state to statism, to more and more government largesse accompanied always by more government authority, less individual liberty, and ultimately, totalitarianism, always advanced as for our own good. The alternative is the dream conceived by our Founding Fathers, up to the ultimate in individual freedom consistent with an orderly society.
  • We must remove government’s smothering hand from where it does harm; we must seek to revitalize the proper functions of government. We do these things to set loose again the energy and the ingenuity of the American people. We do these things to reinvigorate those social and economic institutions which serve as a buffer and a bridge between the individual and the state – and which remain the real source of our progress as a people.
  • Freedom is the right to question and change the established way of doing things. It is the continuing revolution of the marketplace. It is the understanding that allows us to recognize shortcomings and seek solutions. It is the right to put forth an idea, scoffed at by the experts, and watch it catch fire among the people. It is the right to follow your dream, or stick to your conscience even if you’re the only one in a sea of doubters.
  • In 1992, the federal Government actually issued more work authorizations to immigrants and temporary foreign workers than the net number of new jobs created by our economy. Something is fundamentally wrong when we have millions of American citizens and legal residents begging for jobs, and yet we are admitting thousands and thousands of immigrants a year with virtually no consideration to our employment needs or their employment skills.
  • And how stands the city on this winter night? More prosperous, more secure, and happier than it was 8 years ago. But more than that: After 200 years, two centuries, she still stands strong and true on the granite ridge, and her glow has held steady no matter what storm. And she’s still a beacon, still a magnet for all who must have freedom, for all the pilgrims from all the lost places who are hurtling through the darkness, toward home.
  • Our status as a free society and world power is not based on brute strength. When we’ve taken up arms, it has been for the defense of freedom for ourselves and for other peaceful nations who needed our help. But now, faced with the development of weapons with immense destructive power, we’ve no choice but to maintain ready defense forces that are second to none. Yes, the cost is high, but the price of neglect would be infinitely higher.
  • How can we not believe in the greatness of America? How can we not do what is right and needed to preserve this last best hope of man on Earth? After all our struggles to restore America, to revive confidence in our country, hope for our future – after all our hard-won victories earned through the patience and courage of every citizen – we cannot, must not, and will not turn. We will finish our job. How could we do less? We’re Americans.
  • Either [Jesus] was what he said he was or he was the world’s greatest liar. It is impossible for me to believe a liar or charlatan could have had the effect on mankind that he has had for 2000 years. We could ask, would even the greatest of liars carry his lie through the crucifixion, when a simple confession would have saved him? … Did he allow us the choice… to believe in his teaching but reject his statements about his own identity?
  • A moment I’ve been dreading. George brought his ne’re-do-well son around this morning and asked me to find the kid a job.  Not the political one who lives in Florida.  The one who hangs around here all the time looking shiftless.  This so-called kid is already almost 40 and has never had a real job.  Maybe I’ll call Kinsley over at The New Republic and see if they’ll hire him as a contributing editor or something.  That looks like easy work.
  • I looked out the window and saw this white light.It was zigzagging around. I went up to the pilot and said,Have you ever seen anything like that? He was shocked and he said, “Nope.” And I said to him: “Let’s follow it!” We followed it for several minutes. It was a bright white light.We followed it to Bakersfield, and all of a sudden to our utter amazement it went straight up into the heavens. When I got off the plane I told Nancy all about it.
  • The freedom of thought and action we Americans enjoy today seems as natural as the air we breathe. But there is a danger we may take this freedom for granted. We must never forget it was bought for us at a great price. The brave and resourceful Americans whose sacrifices gained our Independence and preserved it for more than 200 years against formidable foes have set an example of unflinching loyalty to the ideal of liberty and justice for all.
  • Our principles were revolutionary. We began as a small, weak republic. But we survived. Our example inspired others, imperfectly at times, but it inspired them nevertheless. This constitutional republic, conceived in liberty and dedicated to the proposition that all men are created equal, prospered and grew strong. To this day, America is still the abiding alternative to tyranny. That is our purpose in the world – nothing more and nothing less.
  • I received a letter just before I left office from a man. I don’t know why he chose to write it, but I’m glad he did. He wrote that you can go to live in France, but you can’t become a Frenchman. You can go to live in Germany or Italy, but you can’t become a German, an Italian. He went through Turkey, Greece, Japan and other countries. But he said anyone, from any corner of the world, can come to live in the United States and become an American.
  • We are not a warlike people. Nor is our history filled with tales of aggressive adventures and imperialism, which might come as a shock to some of the placard painters in our modern demonstrations. The lesson of Vietnam, I think, should be that never again will young Americans be asked to fight and possibly die for a cause unless that cause is so meaningful that we, as a nation, pledge our full resources to achieve victory as quickly as possible.
  • Our problems are both acute and chronic, yet all we hear from those in positions of leadership are the same tired proposals for more government tinkering, more meddling and more control—all of which led us to this state in the first place… We must have the clarity of vision to see the difference between what is essential and what is merely desirable, and then the courage to bring our government back under control and make it acceptable to the people.
  • For decades, we have piled deficit upon deficit, mortgaging our future and our children’s future for the temporary convenience of the present. To continue this long trend is to guarantee tremendous social, cultural, political, and economic upheavals. You and I, as individuals, can, by borrowing, live beyond our means, but for only a limited period of time. Why, then, should we think that collectively, as a nation, we are not bound by that same limitation?
  • The task that has fallen to us as Americans is to move the conscience of the world, to keep alive the hope and dream of freedom. For if we fail or falter, there’ll be no place for the world’s oppressed to flee to. This is not a role we sought. We preach no manifest destiny. But like the Americans who brought a new nation into the world 200 years ago, history has asked much of us in our time. Much we’ve already given; much more we must be prepared to give.
  • The Bible and its teachings helped form the basis for the Founding Fathers’ abiding belief in the inalienable rights of the individual, rights which they found implicit in the Bible’s teachings of the inherent worth and dignity of each individual. This same sense of man patterned the convictions of those who framed the English system of law inherited by our own Nation, as well as the ideals set forth in the Declaration of Independence and the Constitution.
  • There are many well-meaning people today who work at placing an economic floor beneath all of us so that no one shall exist below a certain level or standard of living, and certainly we don’t quarrel with this. But look more closely and you may find that all too often these well-meaning people are building a ceiling above which no one shall be permitted to climb and between the two are pressing us all into conformity, into a mold of standardized mediocrity.
  • This is not to say that the government should confiscate from the “haves” and bestow upon the “have-nots”, beyond the requirements of a compassionate welfare program to provide for those who cannot provide for themselves. Far from it. But it is to say that our duty is to foster a strong, vibrant wealth-producing economy which operates in such a way that new additions to wealth accrue to those who presently have little or no ownership stake in their country.
  • I just wanted to speak to you about something from the Internal Revenue Code. It is the last sentence of section 509A of the code and it reads: ‘For purposes of paragraph 3, an organization described in paragraph 2 shall be deemed to include an organization described in section 501C-4, 5, or 6, which would be described in paragraph 2 if it were an organization described in section 501C-3.’ And that’s just one sentence out of those fifty-seven feet of books.
  • In my eighty years, I prefer to call that the forty-first anniversary of my thirty ninth birthday, I’ve seen what men can do for each other and do to each other, I’ve seen war and peace, feast and famine, depression and prosperity, sickness and health. I’ve seen the depth of suffering and the peaks of triumph and I know in my heart that man is good, that what is right will always eventually triumph and that there is purpose and worth to each and every life.
  • The United States remains the last best hope for a mankind plagued by tyranny and deprivation. America is no stronger than its people — and that means you and me. Well, I believe in you, and I believe that if we work together, then one day we will say, “We fought the good fight. We finished the race. We kept the faith.” And to our children and our children’s children, we can say, “We did all what could be done in the brief time that was given us here on earth.”.
  • When the Labor Department is forced to relent and let these visitors do this work it is of course all legal. But it makes one wonder about the illegal alien fuss. Are great numbers of our unemployed really victims of the illegal alien invasion or are those illegal tourists actually doing work our own people won’t do? One thing is certain in this hungry world; no regulation or law should be allowed if it results in crops rotting in the field for lack of harvesters.
  • [Our goal] is to help revive America’s traditional values: faith, family, neighborhood, work and freedom. Government has no business enforcing these values but neither must it seek, as it did in the recent past, to suppress or replace them. That only robbed us of our tiller and set us adrift. Helping to restore these values will bring new strength, direction and dignity to our lives and to the life of our nation. It’s on these values that we’ll best build our future.
  • If we look to the answer as to why for so many years we achieved so much, prospered as no other people on earth, it was because here in this land we unleashed the energy and individual genius of man to a greater extent than has ever been done before. Freedom and the dignity of the individual have been more available and assured here than in any other place on earth. The price for this freedom at times has been high, but we have never been unwilling to pay that price.
  • We’re here to mark that day in history when the Allied peoples joined in battle to reclaim this continent to liberty. For four long years, much of Europe had been under a terrible shadow. Free nations had fallen, Jews cried out in the camps, millions cried out for liberation. Europe was enslaved, and the world prayed for its rescue. Here in Normandy the rescue began. Here the Allies stood and fought against tyranny in a giant undertaking unparalleled in human history.
  • To many of us now, computers, silicon chips, data processing, cybernetics, and all the other innovations of the dawning high technology age are as mystifying as the workings of the combustion engine must have been when that first Model T rattled down Main Street, U.S.A. But as surely as America’s pioneer spirit made us the industrial giant of the 20th century, the same pioneer spirit today is opening up on another vast front of opportunity, the frontier of high technology.
  • Together, let us make this a new beginning. Let us make a commitment to care for the needy, to teach our children the values and the virtues handed down to us by our families, to have the courage to defend those values and the willingess to sacrifice for them. Let us pledge to restore, in our time, the American spirit of voluntary service, of cooperation, of private and community initiative, a spirit that flows like a deep and mighty river through the history of our nation.
  • Fellow Americans, our duty is before us tonight. Let us go forward, determined to serve selflessly a vision of man with God, government for people, and humanity at peace. For it is now our task to tend and preserve, through the darkest and coldest nights, that “sacred fire of liberty” that President Washington spoke of two centuries ago, a fire that tonight remains a beacon to all oppressed of the world, shining forth from this kindly, pleasant, greening land we call America.
  • In this present crisis, government is not the solution to our problem; government is the problem. From time to time we’ve been tempted to believe that society has become too complex to be managed by self-rule, that government by an elite group is superior to government for, by, and of the people. Well, if no one among us is capable of governing himself, then who among us has the capacity to govern someone else? All of us together, in and out of government, must bear the burden.
  • I’ve always believed that this blessed land was set apart in a special way, that some divine plan placed this great continent here between the oceans to be found by people from every corner of the Earth who had a special love for freedom and the courage to uproot themselves, leave homeland and friends, to come to a strange land. And coming here they created something new in all the history of mankind-a land where man is not beholden to government, government is beholden to man.
  • Deep religious beliefs stemming from the Old and New Testaments of the Bible inspired many of the early settlers of our country, providing them with the strength, character, convictions, and faith necessary to withstand great hardship and danger in this new and rugged land. These shared beliefs helped forge a sense of common purpose among the widely dispersed colonies – a sense of community which laid the foundation for the spirit of nationhood that was to develop in later decades.
  • The pursuit of science, the study of the great works, the value of free inquiry, in short, the very idea of living the life of the mind – yes, these formative and abiding principles of higher education in America had their first and firmest advocate, and their greatest embodiment, in a tall, fair-headed, friendly man who watched this university take form from the mountainside where he lived, the university whose founding he called a crowning achievement to along and well-spent life.
  • When a child loses his parent, they are called an orphan. When a spouse loses her or his partner, they are called a widow or widower. When parents lose their child, their isn’t a word to describe them. This month recognizes the loss so many parents experience across the United States and around the world. It is also meant to inform and provide resources for parents who have lost children due to miscarriage, ectopic pregnancy, molar pregnancy, stillbirths, birth defects, SIDS, and other causes.
  • We’re resolved tonight that young Americans will always see those Potomac lights, that they will always find here a city of hope in a country that’s free so that when other generations look back at this conservative era in American politics and our time in power, they’ll say of us that we did hold true to that dream of Joseph Winthrop and Joseph Warren, that we did keep faith with our God, that we did act worthy of ourselves, that we did protect and pass on lovingly that shining city on a hill.
  • Our Founding Fathers well understood that concentrated power is the enemy of liberty and the rights of man. They knew that the American experiment in individual liberty, free enterprise and republican self-government could succeed only if power were widely distributed. And since in any society social and political power flow from economic power, they saw that wealth and property would have to be widely distributed among the people of the country. The truth of this insight is immediately apparent.
  • I believe this nation hungers for a spiritual revival; hungers to once again see honor placed above political expediency; to see government once again the protector of our liberties, not the distributor of gifts and privilege. Government should uphold and not undermine those institutions which are custodians of the very values upon which civilization is founded-religion, education and, above all, family. Government cannot be clergyman, teacher and patriot. It government is our servant, beholden to us.
  • More than a decade ago, a Supreme Court decision literally wiped off the books of fifty states statutes protecting the rights of unborn children. Abortion on demand now takes the lives of up to 1.5 million unborn children a year. Human life legislation ending this tragedy will some day pass the Congress, and you and I must never rest until it does. Unless and until it can be proven that the unborn child is not a living entity, then its right to life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness must be protected.

 

  • One day, a pretty, fresh-faced young lady – intelligent and sincerely concerned – asked me if abortion wasn’t preferable to making a young, unmarried girl have a baby she didn’t want and which would, therefore, grow up unloved and probably turn out to be a criminal. I gave an answer which apparently she hadn’t considered. I told her there were literally millions of people in this country who wanted but could not have children and who waited eagerly, sometimes for years, to adopt the baby she had described.

 

  • f you analyze it I believe the very heart and soul of conservatism is libertarianism. I think conservatism is really a misnomer just as liberalism is a misnomer for the liberals – if we were back in the days of the Revolution, so-called conservatives today would be the Liberals and the liberals would be the Tories. The basis of conservatism is a desire for less government interference or less centralized authority or more individual freedom and this is a pretty general description also of what libertarianism is.
  • Some years ago a top Ford official was showing the late Walter Reuther through the very automates plant in Cleveland, Ohio and he said to him jokingly, “Walter, you’ll have a hard time collecting union dues from these machines.” and Walter said, “you are going to have more trouble trying to sell automobiles to them.” Both of them let it stop there. There was a logical answer to that … the owners of the machines could buy automobiles and if you increase the number of owners you increase the number of consumers.
  • Our system freed the individual genius of man. Released him to fly as high & as far as his own talent & energy would take him. We allocate resources not by government. decision but by the millions of decisions customers make when they go into the market. place to buy. If something seems too high-priced we buy something else. Thus resources are steered toward those things the people want most at the price they are willing to pay. It may not be a perfect system but it’s better than any other that’s ever been tried.
  • Israel exists; it has a right to exist in peace behind secure and defensible borders; and it has a right to demand of its neighbors that they recognize those facts. I have personally followed and supported Israel’s heroic struggle for survival, ever since the founding of the State of Israel 34 years ago. In the pre-1967 borders Israel was barely 10 miles wide at its narrowest point. The bulk of Israel’s population lived within artillery range of hostile Arab armies. I am not about to ask Israel to live that way again.
  • Freedom is one of the deepest and noblest aspirations of the human spirit. People, worldwide, hunger for the right of self-determination, for those inalienable rights that make for human dignity and progress. America must remain freedom’s staunchest friend, for freedom is our best ally and it is the world’s only hope to conquer poverty and preserve peace. Every blow we inflict against poverty will be a blow against its dark allies of oppression and war. Every victory for human freedom will be a victory for world peace.
  • I’ve spoken of the shining city all my political life, but I don’t know if I ever quite communicated what I saw when I said it. But in my mind it was a tall, proud city built on rocks stronger than oceans, windswept, God-blessed, and teeming with people of all kinds living in harmony and peace; a city with free ports that hummed with commerce and creativity. And if there had to be city walls, the walls had doors and the doors were open to anyone with the will and heart to get there. That’s how I saw it, and see it still.
  • The doctor begins to lose freedoms; it’s like telling a lie, and one leads to another. First you decide that the doctor can have so many patients. They are equally divided among the various doctors by the government. But then the doctors aren’t equally divided geographically, so a doctor decides he wants to practice in one town and the government has to say to him you can’t live in that town, they already have enough doctors. You have to go someplace else. And from here it is only a short step to dictating where he will go.
  • We have consistently supported a legalization program which is both generous to the alien and fair to the countless thousands of people throughout the world who seek legally to come to America. The legalization provisions in this act will go far to improve the lives of a class of individuals who now must hide in the shadows, without access to many of the benefits of a free and open society. Very soon many of these men and women will be able to step into the sunlight and, ultimately, if they choose, they may become Americans.
  • We in the United States, above all, must remember that lesson, for we were founded as a nation of openness to people of all beliefs. And so we must remain. Our very unity has been strengthened by our pluralism. We establish no religion in this country, we command no worship, we mandate no belief, nor will we ever. Church and state are, and must remain, separate. All are free to believe or not believe, all are free to practice a faith or not, and those who believe are free, and should be free, to speak of and act on their belief.
  • And we’re also remembering the guiding light of our Judeo-Christian tradition. All of us here today are descendants of Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob, sons and daughters of the same God. I believe we are bound by faith in our God, by our love for family and neighborhood, by our deep desire for a more peaceful world, and by our commitment to protect the freedom which is our legacy as Americans. These values have given a renewed sense of worth to our lives. They are infusing America with confidence and optimism that many thought we had lost.
  • The full consequences of a default or even the serious prospect of default by the United States are impossible to predict and awesome to contemplate. Denigration of the full faith and credit of the United States would have substantial effects on the domestic financial markets and on the value of the dollar in exchange markets. The Nation can ill afford to allow such a result. The risks, the cost, the disruptions, and the incalculable damage lead me to but one conclusion: the Senate must pass this legislation before the Congress adjourns.
  • We hear much of special interest groups. Well, our concern must be for a special interest group that has been too long neglected. It knows no sectional boundaries or ethnic and racial divisions, and it crosses political party lines. It is made up of men and women who raise our food, patrol our streets, man our mines and factories, teach our children, keep our homes, and heal us when we’re sick – professionals, industrialists, shopkeepers, clerks, cabbies, and truck drivers. They are, in short, “We the people,” this breed called Americans.
  • It was the hard work of our people, the freedom they enjoyed and their faith in God that built this country and made it the envy of the world. In all of our great cities and towns evidence of the faith of our people is found: houses of worship of every denomination are among the oldest structures. While never willing to bow to a tyrant, our forefathers were always willing to get to their knees before God. When catastrophe threatened, they turned to God for deliverance. When the harvest was bountiful the first thought was thanksgiving to God.
  • Americans are not going to tolerate intimidation, terror and outright acts of war against this nation and its people. And we are especially not going to tolerate these attacks from outlaw states run by the strangest collection of misfits, Looney Tunes and squalid criminals since the advent of the Third Reich … There can be no place on earth where it is safe for these monsters to rest,or train or practice their cruel and deadly. We must act together – or unilateraly, if necessary – to ensue that these terrorists have no sanctuary, anywhere.
  • I’ve long believed that one of the mainsprings of our own liberty has been the widespread ownership of property among our people and the expectation that anyone’s child, even from the humblest of families, could grow up to own a business or a corporation. Thomas Jefferson dreamed of a land of small farmers, of shopowners, and merchants. Abraham Lincoln signed into law the Homestead Act that ensured that the great western prairies of America would be the realm of independent, propertyowning citizens-a mightier guarantee of freedom is difficult to imagine.
  • Small business is the gateway to opportunity for those who want a piece of the American dream… Well, wouldn’t it be nice to hear a little more about the forgotten heroes of America – those who create most of our new jobs, like the owners of stores down the street; the faithfuls who support our churches, synagogues, schools, and communities; the brave men and women everywhere who produce our goods, feed a hungry world, and keep our families warm while they invest in the future to build a better America? That’s where miracles are made, not in Washington, D.C.
  • I have been one who believes that abortion is the taking of a human life . . . . The fact that they could not resolve the issue of when life begins was a finding in and of itself. If we don’t know, then shouldn’t we morally opt on the side that it is life? If you came upon an immobile body and you yourself could not determine whether it was dead or alive, I think that you would decide to consider it alive until somebody could prove it was dead. You wouldn’t get a shovel and start covering it up. And I think we should do the same thing with regard to abortion.
  • We cannot escape our destiny, nor should we try to do so. The leadership of the free world was thrust upon us two centuries ago in that little hall of Philadelphia. In the days following World War II, when the economic strength and power of America was all that stood between the world and the return to the dark ages, Pope Pius XII said, ‘The American people have a great genius for splendid and unselfish actions. Into the hands of America God has placed the destinies of an afflicted mankind.’ We are indeed, and we are today, the last best hope of man on earth.
  • We are for aiding our allies by sharing of our material blessings with those nations which share in our fundamental beliefs, but we’re against doling out money government to government, creating bureaucracy, if not socialism, all over the world. We set out to help 19 countries. We’re helping 107. We’ve spent 146 billion dollars. With that money, we bought a 2 million dollar yacht for Haile Selassie. We bought dress suits for Greek undertakers, extra wives for Kenya[n] government officials. We bought a thousand TV sets for a place where they have no electricity.
  • Cannot swords be turned to plowshares? Can we and all nations not live in peace? In our obsession with antagonisms of the moment, we often forget how much unites all the members of humanity. Perhaps we need some outside, universal threat to make us recognize this common bond. I occasionally think how quickly our differences worldwide would vanish if we were facing an alien threat from outside this world. And yet, I ask you, is not an alien force already among us? What could be more alien to the universal aspirations of our peoples than war and the threat of war?
  • You are worried about what man has done and is doing to this magical planet that God gave us. And I share your concern. What is a conservative after all but one who conserves, one who is committed to protecting and holding close the things by which we live…And we want to protect and conserve the land on which we live – our countryside, our rivers and mountains, our plains and meadows and forests. This is our patrimony. This is what we leave to our children. And our great moral responsibility is to leave it to them either as we found it or better than we found it.
  • I welcome this chance to further strengthen the unbreakable ties between the United States and Israel and to assure you of our commitment to Israel’s security and well-being. Israel and America may be thousands of miles apart, but we are philosophical neighbors sharing a strong commitment to democracy and the rule of law. What we hold in common are the bonds of trust and friendship, qualities that in our eyes make Israel a great nation. No people have fought longer, struggled harder, or sacrificed more than yours in order to survive, to grow, and to live in freedom
  • But in the West today, we see a free world that has achieved a level of prosperity and well-being unprecedented in all human history. In the Communist world, we see failure, technological backwardness, declining standards of health, even want of the most basic kind – too little food. Even today, the Soviet Union still cannot feed itself. After these four decades, then, there stands before the entire world one great and inescapable conclusion: Freedom leads to prosperity. Freedom replaces the ancient hatreds among the nations with comity and peace. Freedom is the victor.
  • The preservation of parks, wilderness, and wildlife has also aided liberty by keeping alive the 19th century sense of adventure and awe with which our forefathers greeted the American West. Many laws protecting environmental quality have promoted liberty by securing property against the destructive trespass of pollution. In our own time, the nearly universal appreciation of these preserved landscapes, restored waters, and cleaner air through outdoor recreation is a modern expression of our freedom and leisure to enjoy the wonderful life that generations past have built for us.
  • Supporters of this fundamental change in immigration policy say we need to import more well-educated talent if we’re to stay competitive. But exactly whose competitiveness are we talking about? Not the competitiveness of, say, American-born computer engineers. Adjusted for inflation, their earnings haven’t gone anywhere in years. That’s in part because American companies have been sending so much of their high-tech work abroad. Bringing more foreign-born engineers here under an expanded H1-B visa program, or a point system for that matter, will just depress wages even further.
  • Ours was the first revolution in the history of mankind that truly reversed the course of government, and with three little words: ‘We the people.’ ‘We the people’ tell the government what to do, it doesn’t tell us. ‘We the people’ are the driver, the government is the car. And we decide where it should go, and by what route, and how fast. Almost all the world’s constitutions are documents in which governments tell the people what their privileges are. Our Constitution is a document in which ‘We the people’ tell the government what it is allowed to do. ‘We the people’ are free.
  • We must realize that no arsenal or no weapon in arsenals of the world is so formidable as the will and moral courage of free men and women. It is a weapon our adversaries in today’s world do not have. It is a weapon that we as Americans do have. Let that be understood by those who practice terrorism and prey upon their neighbors. As for the enemies of freedom, those who are potential adversaries, they will be reminded that peace is the highest aspiration of the American people. We will negotiate for it, sacrifice for it; We will not surrender for it, now or ever. We are Americans.
  • We have not inherited an easy world. If developments like the Industrial revolution, which began in England, and the gifts of science and technology have made life much easier for us, they have also made it more dangerous. There are threats now to our freedom, indeed to our very existence, that other generations could never even have imagined. There is first the threat of global war. No president, no Congress, no prime minister, no parliament can spend a day entirely free of this threat. If history teaches anything, it teaches self-delusion in the face of unpleasant facts is folly.
  • It’s been written that the most sublime figure in American history was George Washington on his knees in the snow at Valley Forge. He personified a people who knew that it was not enough to depend on their own courage and goodness, that they must also seek help from God – their Father and preserver. Where did we begin to lose sight of that noble beginning, of our conviction that standards of right and wrong do exist and must be lived up to? Do we really think that we can have it both ways, that God will protect us in a time of crisis even as we turn away from him in our day-to-day life?
  • I can’t believe that this world can go on beyond our generation and on down to succeeding generations with this kind of weapon on both sides poised at each other without someday some fool or some maniac or some accident triggering the kind of war that is the end of the line for all of us. And I just think of what a sigh of relief would go up from everyone on this earth if someday-and this is what I have-my hope, way in the back of my head-is that if we start down the road to reduction, maybe one day in doing that, somebody will say, ‘Why not all the way? Let’s get rid of all these things’.
  • I’m sure everyone feels sorry for the individual who has fallen by the wayside or who can’t keep up in our competitive society, but my own compassion goes beyond that to those millions of unsung men and women, who get up every morning, send the kids to school, go to work, try to keep up the payments on their house, pay exorbitant taxes to make possible compassion for the less fortunate, and as a result have to sacrifice many of their own desires and dreams and hopes. Government owes them something better than always finding a new way to make them share the fruit of their toils with others.
  • You and I know and do not believe that life is so dear and peace so sweet as to be purchased at the price of chains and slavery. If nothing in life is worth dying for, when did this begin-just in the face of this enemy? Or should Moses have told the children of Israel to live in slavery under the pharaohs? Should Christ have refused the cross? Should the patriots at Concord Bridge have thrown down their guns and refused to fire the shot heard ’round the world? The martyrs of history were not fools, and our honored dead who gave their lives to stop the advance of the Nazis didn’t die in vain.
  • I know Teddy Kennedy had fun at the Democratic convention when he said that I said that trees and vegetation caused 80 percent of the air pollution in this country. … Well, now he was a little wrong about what I said. I didn’t say 80 percent. I said 92 percent-93 percent, pardon me. And I didn’t say air pollution, I said oxides of nitrogen. Growing and decaying vegetation in this land are responsible for 93 percent of the oxides of nitrogen. … If we are totally successful and can eliminate all the manmade oxides of nitrogen, we’ll still have 93 percent as much as we have in the air today.

 

 

Mae West (quotes)

  • Sex is emotion in motion.
  • A man’s kiss is his signature.
  • I’m a good woman for a bad man.
  • Flattery will get you everywhere.
  • I’ve been things and seen places.
  • I like a man what takes his time.
  • He who hesitates is a damned fool.
  • Never ask a man where he has been.
  • It takes two to get one in trouble.
  • I’d like to see Paris before I die.
  • To err is human, but it feels divine.
  • I’ve been in more laps than a napkin.
  • I’ve been things and I’ve seen places.
  • Brains are an asset, if you hide them.
  • … love is banality to all outsiders.
  • Men are not realists – only women are.
  • Well behaved women do not make history.
  • I used to be Snow White, but I drifted.
  • The best way to behave is to misbehave.
  • I’m single because I was born that way.
  • You are never too old to become younger!
  • Look your best – who said love is blind?
  • I speak two languages, Body and English.
  • Men are my life, diamonds are my career.
  • Too much of a good thing can be wonderful.
  • The curve is more powerful than the sword.
  • One more drink and I’ll be under the host.
  • It’s not what you say, but how you say it!
  • Anything worth doing is worth doing slowly.
  • The best way to hold a man is in your arms.
  • Some of the wildest men make the best pets.
  • I like restraint, if it doesn’t go too far.
  • I don’t like myself, I’m crazy about myself.
  • The score never interested me, only the game.
  • I’m no angel, but I’ve spread my wings a bit.
  • When women go wrong, men go right after them.
  • A man in the house is worth two in the street.
  • The finest woman that ever walked the streets.
  • It is better to be looked over than overlooked.
  • It’s hard to be funny when you have to be clean.
  • I didn’t discover curves; I only uncovered them.
  • I started out as Snow White, but then I drifted.
  • I’ve always had a weakness for foreign affairs.
  • Curve: The loveliest distance between two points.
  • Love is what you make it and who you make it with.
  • I’m a woman of very few words, but lots of action.
  • Love isn’t an emotion or an instinct – it’s an art.
  • An ounce of performance is worth pounds of promises.
  • I only like two kinds of men, domestic and imported.
  • I only have ‘yes’ men around me. Who needs ‘no’ men?
  • I believe in censorship. I made a fortune out of it.
  • It’s easy to get married, but hard to stay that way.
  • I never loved another person the way I loved myself.
  • Give a man a free hand and he’ll run it all over you.
  • I generally avoid temptation unless I can’t resist it.
  • Love conquers all things except poverty and toothache.
  • Don’t ever make the same mistake twice unless it pays.
  • I made myself platinum, but I was born a dirty blonde.
  • I always say, keep a diary and someday it’ll keep you.
  • I believe in the single standard — for men and women.
  • Diamonds talk, and I can stand listenin’ to ’em often.
  • I have never loved a man as much as I have loved myself
  • He’s the kind of man who picks his friends – to pieces.
  • When you get the personality, you don’t need the nudity.
  • I know so much about men because I went to night school.
  • The bite of existence did not cut into one in Hollywood.
  • If you put your foot in it, be sure it’s your best foot.
  • A dame that knows the ropes isn’t likely to get tied up.
  • Virtue has its own reward, but no sale at the box office.
  • Good theater is not what is expected, but what surprises.
  • When I’m good, I’m very good. But when I’m bad I’m better.
  • His mother should have thrown him away and kept the stork.
  • Give a man free hands, and you’ll know where to find them.
  • Those who are easily shocked should be shocked more often.
  • Let’s get out of these wet clothes and into a dry Martini.
  • Just a little sheep dip. Panacea for all stomach ailments.
  • A girl in the convertible is worth five in the phone book.
  • You only live once, but if you do it right, once is enough.
  • It’s not what you can do, but the way you do it that counts.
  • Why don’t you come up and have a little … scotch and sofa?
  • Don’t let a man put anything over on you except an umbrella.
  • Dating means two things; disillusionment or a racing heart.
  • Kiss and make up-but too much makeup has ruined many a kiss.
  • Some women pick men to marry–and others pick them to pieces.
  • Is that a gun in your pocket, or are you just happy to see me?
  • Between two evils, I always pick the one I never tried before.
  • There are no good girls gone wrong – just bad girls found out.
  • Men are all alike – except the one you’ve met who’s different.
  • A man in love is like a clipped coupon – it’s time to cash in.
  • I consider sex a misdemeanor, the more I miss, de meaner I get.
  • It’s hard to find a good man, but it’s good to find a hard one.
  • Men are my hobby, if I ever got married I’d have to give it up.
  • He’s the kind of man a woman would have to marry to get rid of.
  • I never said it would be easy, I only said it would be worth it.
  • It’s not the men in my life that count, it’s the life in my men.
  • A good man is hard to find — but you’ll mostly find him asleep.
  • I never set out to make men a career; it just happened that way.
  • Personality is the most important thing to an actress’s success.
  • I’m the girl that works at Paramount all day, and Fox all night.
  • Never mind about the six feet. Let’s talk about the seven inches.
  • Love is the only industry which can’t operate on a five-day week.
  • I’m no model lady. A model’s just an imitation of the real thing.
  • Women like a man with a past, but they prefer a man with a present
  • Sometimes I don’t drink so the next day I can remember having fun.
  • Every man I meet wants to protect me. I can’t figure out what from.
  • The best way to learn to be a lady is to see how other ladies do it.
  • I’ll try anything once, twice if I like it, three times to make sure.
  • Ten men waiting for me at the door? Send one of them home, I’m tired.
  • March isn’t the only thing that’s in like a lion and out like a lamb.
  • Don’t marry a man to reform him – that’s what reform schools are for.
  • You can do what you want, but saving love doesn’t bring any interest.
  • Life’s just a merry-go-round. Come on up. You might get a brass ring.
  • Hollywood was like a mouse being followed by a cat called television.
  • Marriage is a great institution, but I’m not ready for an institution.
  • Ladies who play with fire must remember that smoke gets in their eyes.
  • No one can have everything, so you have to try for what you want most.
  • Opportunity knocks for every man, but you have to give a woman a ring.
  • I go for two kinds of men. The kind with muscles, and the kind without.
  • Poor Mary Ann! She gave the guy an inch and now he thinks he’s a ruler.
  • Save a boyfriend for a rainy day – and another, in case it doesn’t rain.
  • Cultivate your curves – they may be dangerous but they won’t be avoided.
  • She’s the kind of girl who climbed the ladder of success wrong by wrong.
  • Brains are an asset to the woman in love who’s smart enough to hide ’em.
  • Any time you got nothing to do – and lots of time to do it – come on up.
  • Marriage is like a book. The whole story takes place between the covers.
  • We’re intellectual opposites. Well, I’m intellectual and you’re opposite.
  • Goodness, what beautiful diamonds!’ ‘Goodness had nothing to do with it’.
  • A woman in love can’t be reasonable – or she probably wouldn’t be in love.
  • Don’t cry for a man who’s left you–the next one may fall for your smile.
  • Don’t come crawlin’ to a man for love-he likes to get a run for his money.
  • Women with pasts interest men because they hope history will repeat itself.
  • Women are as old as they feel and men are old when they lose their feelings.
  • If I asked for a cup of coffee, someone would search for the double meaning.
  • Let men see what’s coming to them, and women will get what’s coming to them.
  • Women are like roads. The more curves they have, the more dangerous they are.
  • All discarded lovers should be given a second chance, but with somebody else.
  • I enjoyed the courtroom as just another stage but not so amusing as Broadway.
  • I see you’re a man with ideals. I better be going before you’ve still got them.
  • It’s all right for a perfect stranger to kiss your hand as long as he’s perfect.
  • Getting married is like trading in the adoration of many for the sarcasm of one.
  • A real farmer. He spent his childhood in the wheat, and his marriage in the hay.
  • In my long and colorful career, one thing stands out: I have been misunderstood.
  • Don’t keep a man guessing too long – he’s sure to find the answer somewhere else.
  • If a little is great, and a lot is better, then way too much is just about right!
  • Words should be used as tools of communication and not as a substitute for action
  • No gold-digging for me; I take diamonds! We may be off the gold standard someday.
  • You can say what you like about long dresses, but they cover a multitude of shins.
  • I have found men who didn’t know how to kiss. I’ve always found time to teach them.
  • I only read biographies, metaphysics and psychology. I can dream up my own fiction.
  • Men are like linoleum floors. Lay ’em right and you can walk all over them for years.
  • A man has one hundred dollars and you leave him with two dollars, that’s subtraction.
  • A man can be short and dumpy and getting bald but if he has fire, women will like him.
  • I have always felt a gift diamond shines so much better than one you buy for yourself.
  • A man has more character in his face at forty than at twenty – he has suffered longer.
  • Too many girls follow the line of least resistance, but a good line is hard to resist.
  • I don’t know a lot about politics, but I can recognise a good party man when I see one.
  • I like my clothes tight enough to show I’m a woman, but loose enough to show I’m a lady.
  • I’ve always taken men just as I found ’em, and thank heavens I’ve been able to find ’em.
  • Hiring someone to write your autobiography is like hiring someone to take a bath for you
  • Don’t forget honey. Never let one man worry your mind. Find ’em, fool ’em and forget ’em.
  • All the raves were just words. You don’t want to let words confuse you. Words come cheap.
  • I like a man who’s good, but not too good – for the good die young, and I hate a dead one.
  • It ain’t no sin if you crack a few laws now and then, just so long as you don’t break any.
  • Ya know it was a toss-up whether I go in for diamonds or sing in the choir. The choir lost.
  • I wrote the story myself. It’s all about a girl who lost her reputation but never missed it.
  • Sex with love is the greatest thing in life. But sex without love–that’s not so bad either.
  • When it comes to finances, remember that there are no withholding taxes on the wages of sin.
  • Always remember honey. A good motto is: Take all you can get and give as little as possible.
  • When you think about it, what other playwrights are there besides O’Neill, Tennessee and me?
  • You gotta get up early in the morning to catch a fox and stay up late at night to get a mink.
  • Men would wither and custom stale them, but diamonds! Ah, they were crystallized immortality!
  • I meet a man with a thousand dollars and leave him with two; that’s the meaning of subtraction.
  • Imagine censors that wouldn’t let you sit in a man’s lap. I’ve been in more laps than a napkin!
  • One and one is two, and two and two is four, and five will get you ten if you know how to work it.
  • Women want certain things in marriage–the right to a title and a front seat in the lap of luxury.
  • I never worry about diets. The only carrots that interest me are the number of carats in a diamond.
  • Your real security is yourself. You know you can do it, and they can’t ever take that away from you.
  • The censors wouldn’t even let me sit on a guy’s lap, and I’ve been on more laps than a table-napkin.
  • Girls, give all your gentlemen friends an even break, even if you have to break them in the attempt.
  • For a long time I was ashamed of the way I lived. Did I reform, you ask? No. I’m not ashamed anymore.
  • Love is like a booger, you pick and pick at it. Then when you get it you wonder how to get rid of it.
  • You may admire a girl’s curves on the first introduction, but the second meeting shows up new angles.
  • How tall are you big boy? Six foot nine inches! Let’s go up to my place and talk about the nine inches!
  • Love thy neighbor – and if he happens to be tall, debonair and devastating, it will be that much easier.
  • I’ve been in ‘Who’s Who’ and I know what’s what, but it’ll be the first time I ever made the dictionary.
  • I always did like a man in uniform. And that one fits you grand. Why don’t you come up sometime and see me?
  • Reason was nowhere, time was an immovable object nailed high on the wall, except where the world kept shop.
  • Well, the end of another busy day. I can’t wait till I get back to bed. If that don’t work I’ll try to sleep.
  • Sometimes it seems to me I’ve known so many men that the FBI ought to come to me first to compare fingerprints.
  • Everything’s in the mind. That’s where it all starts. Knowing what you want is the first step toward getting it.
  • Marriage? I ain’t got time for a husband or child. All my life I’ve looked after myself as if I was my own child.
  • Everyone has the right to run his own life- even if you’re heading for a crash. What I’m against is blind flying.
  • It isn’t what I do, but how I do it. It isn’t what I say, but how I say it, and how I look when I do it and say it.
  • Money is of value for what it buys, and in love it buys time, place, intimacy, comfort, and a private corner alone.
  • Good women are no fun… The only good woman I can recall in history was Betsy Ross. And all she ever made was a flag.
  • I’ve no time for broads who want to rule the world alone. Without men, who’d do up the zipper on the back of your dress?
  • Why don’t you come up sometime ‘n see me? I’m home every evening. . . . Come up. I’ll tell your fortune. . . . Ah, you can be had.
  • Dress gives one the outward sign from which people in general can, and often do, judge upon the inward state of mind and feelings.
  • all pleasures should be taken in great leisure and are worth going into in detail; love is not like eating a quick lunch with one’s hat on.
  • what’s life good fer anyhow? The minute you crawl into the world for no good reason of yer own, it’s got you licked four ways from the ace.
  • Dates in Calendar are Closer Than They Appear! Time is what keeps everything from happening at once. Keep a diary, and someday it’ll keep you.
  • Positive thoughts generate positive feelings and attract positive life experiences. You only live once, but if you do it right, once is enough.
  • Personality is the glitter that sends your little gleam across the footlights and the orchestra pit into that big black space where the audience is.
  • I believe that one day the world will judge the witch hunt against homosexuals just as harshly as it judges the Spanish Inquisition and the Holocaust.
  • The bite of existence did not cut into one in Hollywood … Life elsewhere was real and slippery and struggled in the arms like a big fish dying in air.
  • [On the metaphysical:] … I knew in some marvelous way I had touched the hem of the unknown. And being me, I wanted to lift that hemline a little bit more.
  • I never needed Panavision and stereophonic sound to woo the world. I did it in black and white on a screen the size of a postage stamp. Honey, that’s talent.
  • I freely chose the kind of life I led because I was convinced that a woman has as much right as a man to live the way she does if she does no actual harm to society.
  • You may think you’re in love when the passions of sex get hold of you, but if you didn’t love the man before, you won’t love him after. Like him, maybe, but not love him.
  • Never ask a man where’s he’s been. If he’s out on legitimate business, he doesn’t need an alibi. And, girls, if he has been out on illegitimate business, it’s your own fault.
  • I have never been able to sleep with anyone. I require a full-size bed so that I can lie in the middle of it and extend my arms spreadeagle on both sides without being obstructed.
  • Dennis Thatcher, husband of Margaret Thatcher, when asked who wore the pants in his house, said “I do, and I also wash and iron them.” I only like two kinds of men; domestic and foreign.
  • Right now I think censorship is necessary; the things they’re doing and saying in films right now just shouldn’t be allowed. There’s no dignity anymore and I think that’s very important.
  • My advice to those who think they have to take off their clothes to be a star is, once you’re boned, what’s left to create the illusion? Let em wonder. I never believed in giving them too much of me.
  • Tira begins to sing “I’m No Angel” to him as the screen fades: Baby, I can warm you with this love of mine. I’m No Angel. Aw, let me feel my fingers running through your hair, I can give you kisses. . . .
  • Is that a pistol in your pocket or are you just glad to see me? (She made this remark in February 1936, at the railway station in Los Angeles upon her return from Chicago, when a Los Angeles police officer was assigned to escort her home)
  • Men? Sure, I’ve known lots of them. But I never found one I liked well enough to marry. Besides, I’ve always been busy with my work. Marriage is a career in itself and to make a success of it you’ve got to keep working at it. So until I can give the.
  • I saw what a mess a lot of people could make of their lives when they’re smitten. Some of them go temporarily insane. They find a person who they think holds the key to their happiness-the only key to their happiness… My work has always been my greatest happiness
  • More people saw me than saw Napoleon, Lincoln and Cleopatra. I was better known than Einstein and Picasso. … I changed the fashion of two continents. The style of the Gay Nineties became the rage … women were trying to walk and talk like me. Women became more sex-conscious – sex was out in the open and fun.
  • Too many Broadway actors in motion pictures lost their grip on success–had a feeling that none of it had ever happened on that sun-drenched coast, that the coast itself did not exist, there was no California. It had dropped away like a hasty dream and nothing could ever have been like the things they thought they remembered.
  • Tira: Whatever you’re thinkin’ you’re wrong. I only like him like a brother. You ain’t got nothin’ to worry about. . . . Say listen you. A better dame than you once called me a liar and they had to sew her up in twelve different places. You’re lucky I’m a little more refined than I used to be. And if you was as much a lady as I am, you’d get out of here before I get real sore. Alicia: You haven’t a streak of decency in you. Tira: I don’t show my good points to strangers. I’ll trouble you to scram.

 

 

Will Rogers (quotes)

  • Common sense ain’t common.
  • I don’t know what humor is.
  • Never miss a chance to shut up
  • Lord, let me live until I die.
  • Don’t squat with your spurs on.
  • Make crime pay. Become a lawyer.
  • No party is as bad as its leaders.
  • No man is great if he thinks he is.
  • Never kick a cow chip on a hot day.
  • Always drink upstream from the herd.
  • I never met a man that I didn’t like.
  • Don’t invite me if you don’t want me.
  • A fool and his money are soon elected.
  • Whoever said a horse was dumb, was dumb
  • Be a politician; no training necessary.
  • Nothing you can’t spell will ever work.
  • Congress is deadlocked and can’t act.
  • Never slap a man who’s chewing tobacco.
  • Never slap a man who is chewing tobacco.
  • Originality will be rewarded in any line.
  • A company is known by the people it keeps.
  • Don’t wait to buy land, buy land and wait.
  • Work to make a living; serve to make a life.
  • The US is safest when Congress is in recess.
  • Prohibition is better than no liquor at all.
  • Don’t let yesterday use up too much of today.
  • We have the best Congress that money can buy.
  • When you’re through learning, you’re through.
  • Strangers are just friends I haven’t met yet.
  • Every guy looks in his pocket and then votes.
  • Syntax must be bad, having sin and tax in it.
  • I tell you folks, all politics is applesauce.
  • A stranger is just a friend I haven’t met yet.
  • America has the best politicians money can buy.
  • When you find yourself in a hole, quit digging.
  • The best way out of a difficulty is through it.
  • When ignorance gets started it knows no bounds.
  • We’re all ignorant, just about different stuff.
  • Spinnin’ a rope is fun if your neck ain’t in it
  • Nothing makes a man broad-minded like adversity.
  • The more ignorant you are, the quicker you fight.
  • Chaotic action is preferable to orderly inaction.
  • Every man gets an opportunity once in a lifetime.
  • The country has gone sane and got back to horses.
  • A vision, without a plan, is just a hallucination.
  • Everybody is ignorant, only on different subjects.
  • Buy land. They ain’t making any more of the stuff.
  • We are here for just a spell, so get a few laughs.
  • We do more talking progress than we do progressing.
  • Every man is ignorant – just on different subjects.
  • Invest in inflation. It is the only thing going up.
  • I love a dog. He does nothing for political reasons.
  • A remark generally hurts in proportion to its truth.
  • It’s great to be great, but its greater to be human.
  • Americans will feed anyone that’s not close to them.
  • Democrats are the only reason to vote for Republicans
  • Do the best you can, and don’t take life too serious.
  • People who fly into a rage always make a bad landing.
  • The Schools ain’t what they used to be and never was.
  • If you want to be successful, love what you are doing.
  • I am always going to do my best, no matter where I am.
  • The self persists like a dying star, In sleep, afraid.
  • What’s considered enough money? Just a little bit more.
  • I’m not a member of an organized party. I’m a Democrat.
  • Being young is beautiful, but being old is comfortable.
  • If you are trying to get out of the hole, stop digging.
  • Why one Ad is worth more to a paper than 40 Editorials.
  • The United States never lost a war or won a conference.
  • Live your life so that whenever you lose, you are ahead.
  • There is no income tax in Russia. But there’s no income.
  • Steak on the plate went up. Steak on the hoof went down.
  • You never get a second chance to make a first impression.
  • I guess the only way to stop divorce is to stop marriage.
  • Politicians are dumb, but they can count to 50% plus one.
  • Worrying is like paying on a debt that may never come due.
  • Everyone is a self-made man. Only the successful admit it.
  • It don’t take a genius to spot a goat in a flock of sheep.
  • Heroing is one of the shortest-lived professions there is.
  • I belong to no organized political body. I am a
  • America is a land of opportunity and don’t ever forget it.
  • Foreign relations is an open book– generally a checkbook.
  • Don’t be misled by History, or any other unreliable source.
  • Our constitution protects aliens, drunks and U.S. Senators.
  • Plans get you into things, but you got to work your way out.
  • A fanatic is always the fellow that is on the opposite side.
  • Farmers spend more time at Conventions than they do plowing.
  • The trouble with land is that they’re not making it anymore.
  • If you can build a business up big enough, it’s respectable.
  • Things will get better – despite our efforts to improve them.
  • Rumor travels faster, but it don’t stay put as long as truth.
  • It’s a good thing we don’t get all the government we pay for.
  • We are all here for a spell, get all the good laughs you can.
  • Common sense is not an issue in politics–it’s an affliction.
  • Ammunition beats persuasion when you are looking for freedom.
  • The stock market has spoiled more appetites than bad cooking.
  • The only way you can beat the lawyers is to die with nothing.
  • Being a hero is about the shortest-lived profession on earth.
  • When you straddle a thing it takes a long time to explain it.
  • Many a politician wishes there was a law to burn old records.
  • There are two theories to arguing with a woman. Neither works.
  • You can’t legislate intelligence and common sense into people.
  • Does college pay? They do if you are a good open-field runner.
  • The income tax has made liars out of more Americans than golf.
  • See what will happen if you don’t stop biting your fingernails
  • You must judge a man’s greatness by how much he will be missed.
  • It’s not what you pay a man, but what he costs you that counts.
  • Sometimes people deserve a high five, in the face, with a chair.
  • What the country needs is dirtier fingernails and cleaner minds.
  • The road to success is dotted with many tempting parking spaces.
  • She was so ugly she could make a mule back away from an oat bin.
  • I don’t know how I got over the hill without getting to the top.
  • Liberty doesn’t work as well in practice as it does in speeches.
  • Everything is funny, as long as it’s happening to somebody else.
  • A politician is not as narrow-minded as he forces himself to be.
  • There is no more independence in politics than there is in jail.
  • The only thing that can stop hair from falling … is the floor.
  • You got to do more than just live in the country to be a Farmer.
  • There is nothing in the world that we do as much as we do eating
  • Communism to me is one-third practice and two-thirds explanation.
  • If Stupidity got us into this mess, then why can’t it get us out?
  • If we took Congress seriously, we would be worrying all the time.
  • We are all ignorant. We are just ignorant about different things.
  • America is a great country, but you can’t live in it for nothing.
  • Labor leaders don’t do much laboring after they are able to lead.
  • Give her a day, and then in return Momma gives you the other 364.
  • The man who never makes a mistake must get tired of doing nothing.
  • The older we get, the fewer things seem worth waiting in line for.
  • Just because it’s common sense, doesn’t mean it’s common practice.
  • You know you’ve got to exercise your brain just like your muscles.
  • The only time people dislike gossip is when you gossip about them.
  • People learn more from observation that they do from conversation.
  • Nobody wants to be called common people, especially common people.
  • The farmer has to be an optimist or he wouldn’t still be a farmer.
  • Be thankful we’re not getting all the government we’re paying for.
  • Politicians, after all, are not over a year behind public opinion.
  • Things in our country run in spite of government, not by aid of it.
  • We live in an age of ‘urge’. We do nothing till somebody shoves us.
  • Communism is like prohibition, it is a good idea, but it won’t work.
  • If you ever injected truth into politics you would have no politics.
  • I am not a member of any organized political party. I am a Democrat.
  • If you don’t have malice in our heart, it doesn’t come across harsh.
  • A difference of opinion is what makes horse racing and missionaries.
  • The United States investigates everything – usually after it’s dead.
  • They are each good when they are out, and each bad when they are in.
  • I don’t make jokes. I just watch the government and report the facts.
  • The trouble with practical jokes is that very often they get elected.
  • The trouble with Democrats is that they all want to run for President
  • Baseball is a skilled game. It’s America’s game – it, and high taxes.
  • You know you are getting old when everything either dries up or leaks.
  • There’s only one thing that can kill the movies, and that’s education.
  • If you live right, death is a joke to you as far as fear is concerned.
  • People love high ideals, but they got to be about 33-percent plausible
  • Take the diplomacy out of war and the thing would fall flat in a week.
  • I remember when being liberal meant being generous with your own money.
  • Under capitalism man exploits man; under socialism the reverse is true.
  • Diplomacy is the art of saying ‘Nice doggie’ until you can find a rock.
  • It’s the fellow who knows when to quit that the audience wants more of.
  • We don’t know what we want, but we are ready to bite somebody to get it
  • It is a good thing that we do not get as much government as we pay for.
  • Nobody wants his cause near as bad as he wants to talk about his cause.
  • People’s minds are changed through observation and not through argument.
  • An ignorant person is one who doesn’t know what you have just found out.
  • When a fellow ain’t got much mind, it don’t take him long to make it up.
  • My forefathers didn’t come over on the Mayflower, but they met the boat.
  • Every Harvard class should have one Democrat to rescue it from oblivion.
  • A man that don’t love a horse, there is something the matter with him.
  • You can’t fool all of the people all of the time. But it isn’t necessary.
  • Get someone else to blow your horn and the sound will carry twice as far.
  • The trouble with our praying is, we just do it as a means of last resort.
  • Lettin’ the cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier ‘n puttin’ it back in.
  • If you don’t like the weather in Oklahoma, wait a minute and it’ll change.
  • I never took a human life, I only sold the fellow the gun to take it with.
  • You’ve got to go out on a limb sometimes because that’s where the fruit is.
  • Money, horse racing and women: three things the boys just can’t figure out.
  • There is nothing fairer than workmen having unions of their mutual benefit.
  • It’s almost worth the Great Depression to learn how little our big men know.
  • America is the first country where people go to the poor house in their car.
  • We always want the best man to win an election. Unfortunately, he never runs.
  • If there are no dogs in Heaven, then when I die I want to go where they went.
  • Even if you’re on the right track, you’ll get run over if you just sit there.
  • You never know how much a man can’t remember until he is called as a witness.
  • There ought to be one day – just one – when there is open season on senators.
  • The French couldn’t hate us any more unless we helped ’em out in another war.
  • One revolution is like one cocktail, it just gets you organized for the next.
  • Local conservation programs can help our communities shape thoughtful growth.
  • I love horses and I only ask-don’t let me know which one we are eating today.
  • Take me ham away, take away my eggs, even my Chili, but leave me my newspaper.
  • This thing of being a hero, about the main thing to it is to know when to die.
  • There is nothing that sets a nation back as far in civilization as prosperity.
  • If this depression stays with us, the loser Tuesday is going to be the winner.
  • I know worrying works, because none of the stuff I worried about ever happened.
  • Good judgment comes from experience, and a lot of that comes from bad judgment.
  • The crime of taxation is not in the taking it, it’s in the way that it’s spent.
  • When you are dissatisfied and would like to go back to youth, think of Algebra.
  • I can remember way back when a liberal was one who was generous with his money.
  • This would be a great world to dance in if we didn’t have to pay the fiddler.
  • Senators are a never-ending source of amusement, amazement, and discouragement.
  • More words ain’t good for anything in the world only to bring on more argument.
  • I bet after seeing us, George Washington would sue us for calling him ‘father.’
  • People are marvelous in their generosity, if they just know the cause is there.
  • There are men running governments who shouldn’t be allowed to play with matches.
  • It’s easy being a humorist when you’ve got the whole government working for you.
  • I’ll bet you the time ain’t far off when a woman won’t know any more than a man.
  • It takes a lifetime to build a good reputation, but you can lose it in a minute.
  • The best thing about this group of candidates is that only one of them can win.
  • The movies are the only business where you can go out front and applaud yourself.
  • You shake a slogan at an American and it’s just like showing a hungry dog a bone.
  • Know what you’re doing, love what you’re doing, and believe in what you’re doing.
  • The short memories of the American voters is what keeps our politicians in office.
  • Politics has become so expensive that it takes a lot of money even to be defeated.
  • Politicians can do more funny things naturally than I can think of to do purposely
  • In Europe public men do resign. But here it’s a lost art. You have to impeach ’em.
  • People don’t change under governments. Governments change. People remain the same.
  • Farmers have more Associations, and Bureaus, and Clubs, than they have pitchforks.
  • I would rather be the man who bought the Brooklyn Bridge than the man who sold it.
  • If you let women have their way, you will generally get even with them in the end.
  • It’s one of the most progressive cities in the world. Shooting is only a sideline.
  • The nation is prosperous on the whole, but how much prosperity is there in a hole?
  • Mona Lisa is the only beauty who went through history and retained her reputation.
  • I was born because it was a habit in those days, people didn’t know anything else.
  • I wonder if it isn’t just cowardice instead of generosity that makes us give tips.
  • The English should give Ireland home rule – and reserve the motion picture rights.
  • Cattlemen have lost more in the last few years than anybody and say less about it.
  • Conferences are just like the poor and the Democrats, they will always be with us.
  • There is one guaranteed formula for failure, and that is to try to please everyone.
  • All I know is just what I read in the papers, and that’s an alibi for my ignorance.
  • Last year we said, ‘Things can’t go on like this’, and they didn’t, they got worse.
  • A king can stand people’s fighting but he can’t last long if people start thinking.
  • Our public men are speaking every day on something, but they ain’t saying anything.
  • The best way to make a fire with two sticks is to make sure one of them is a match.
  • Broad-minded is just another way of saying a fellow is too lazy to form an opinion.
  • A holding company is the people you give your money to while you’re being searched.
  • It isn’t what we don’t know that gives us trouble, it’s what we know that ain’t so.
  • If your time is worth anything, travel by air. If not, you might just as well walk.
  • You can’t say civilization don’t advance… in every war they kill you in a new way.
  • When I make a joke, nobody gets injured… when Congress makes a joke, it’s the law.
  • A politician is just like a pickpocket; it’s almost impossible to get him to reform.
  • There is no more interesting place in the world to meet characters than a movie set.
  • Farmers, get out your sense of humor. Congress meets to relieve you again next week.
  • There will never be a time when the old horse is not superior to any auto ever made.
  • I like to hear a man talk about himself because then I never hear anything, but good.
  • In time of crisis people want to know that you care, more than they care what you know
  • We don’t give our criminals much punishment, but we sure give ’em plenty of publicity.
  • Golf is good for the soul. You get so mad at yourself you forget to hate your enemies.
  • A conference is just an admission that you want somebody to join you in your troubles.
  • There isn’t any finer folks living than a Republican that votes the Democratic ticket.
  • I never met a man I didn’t get a kind of strange and exciting tingling sensation from.
  • Asking Europe to disarm is like asking a man in Chicago to give up his life insurance.
  • They call it the Latin Quarter because nobody there is Latin and nobody has a quarter.
  • It is awful hard to get people interested in corruption unless they can get some of it.
  • I’m not so much interested in the return ON my money as I am in the return OF my money.
  • If you want to know how a man stands, go among the people who are in his same business.
  • Live in such a way that you would not be ashamed to sell your parrot to the town gossip.
  • When you get into trouble 5,000 miles from home, you’ve got to have been looking for it.
  • You shouldn’t say anything mean about people who can’t read. You should write it instead.
  • I have Indian Blood in me. I have just enough white blood for you to question my honesty!
  • If all politicians fished instead of spoke publicly, we would be at peace with the world.
  • I never expected to see the day when girls would get sunburned in the places they now do.
  • Everyone wants to vote for the best and most qualified man, but he never runs for office.
  • Ten men in our country could buy the whole world and ten million can’t buy enough to eat.
  • Politics is not worrying this country one-tenth as much as where to find a parking space.
  • We have killed more people celebrating our independence day than we lost fighting for it.
  • Where I come from, they won’t let me play with this rope. They think I might hurt myself.
  • One-third of the people in the United States promote, while the other two-thirds provide.
  • Ignorance lies not in the things you don’t know, but in the things you know that ain’t so.
  • Let Wall Street have a nightmare and the whole country has to help them back to bed again.
  • I have always noticed that people will never laugh at anything that is not based on truth.
  • In Washington, one man could do what ten of them do. Things kinder run themselves, anyhow.
  • Outside of traffic, there is nothing that has held this country back as much as committees.
  • The problem ain’t what people know. It’s what people know that ain’t so that’s the problem.
  • An onion can make people cry but there’s never been a vegetable that can make people laugh.
  • It looks to me like any man that wants to be President in times like these lacks something.
  • I guess truth can hurt you worse in an election than about anything that can happen to you.
  • We can’t all be heroes, because somebody has to sit on the curb and applaud when they go by.
  • There is a hundred things to single you out for promotion in party politics besides ability.
  • You’ve got to be (an) optimist to be a Democrat, and you’ve got to be a humorist to stay one
  • We are the first nation in the history of the world to go to the poorhouse in an automobile.
  • We elect our Presidents, be they Republican or Democrat, then start daring ’em to make good.
  • Fanatical religion driven to a certain point is almost as bad as none at all, but not quite.
  • I hope we never live to see the day when a thing is as bad as some of our newspapers make it.
  • We will never have true civilization until we have learned to recognize the rights of others.
  • Political elections are a good deal like marriages, there’s no accounting for anyone’s taste.
  • Some guy invented Vitamin A out of a carrot. I’ll bet he can’t invent a good meal out of one.
  • Any person that don’t read at least one well-written country newspaper is not truly informed.
  • You have to have a serious streak in you, or you can’t see the funny side of the other fellow.
  • Money and women are the most sought after and the least known about of any two things we have.
  • Hurray! Congress is to adjourn! Only four more days of Congressional burglary on the Treasury!
  • Farmers have about given up hope of getting farm relief and have decided to fertilize instead.
  • There is nothing so stupid as the educated man if you get him off the thing he was educated in.
  • In a real estate man’s eye, the most expensive part of the city is where he has a house to sell
  • Parades should be classed as a nuisance and participants should be subject to a term in prison.
  • Rotation of crops and less automobiles will relieve the farmers whenever they decide to try it.
  • When you are satisfied, you are successful. For that’s all there is to success is satisfaction.
  • We don’t seem to be able to check crime, so why not legalize it and then tax it out of business?
  • It costs ten times more to govern us than it used to, and we are not governed one-tenth as good.
  • America is becoming so educated that ignorance will be a novelty. I will belong to a select few.
  • That’s the trouble with a politician’s life-somebody is always interrupting it with an election.
  • Golf is a wonderful exercise. You can stand on your feet for hours, watching somebody else putt.
  • The theater is a great equalizer: it is the only place where the poor can look down on the rich.
  • A comedian can only last till he either takes himself serious or his audience takes him serious.
  • You can be killed just as dead in an unjustified war as you can in one protecting your own home.
  • A man only learns by two things; one is reading and the other is association with smarter people.
  • Eventually you will reach a point when you stop lying about your age and start bragging about it.
  • The deer season just opened. A deer hunter in Ventura Country brought in his first man yesterday.
  • There is a horse here-the furthest north of any horse, and he eats fish and travels on snowshoes.
  • It is not the return on my investment that I am concerned about; it’s the return of my investment
  • The good old horse-and-buggy days: then you lived until you died and not until you were run over.
  • With Congress, every time they make a joke it’s a law, and every time they make a law it’s a joke.
  • If you get to thinking you’re a person of some influence, try ordering somebody else’s dog around.
  • You know horses are smarter than people. You never heard of a horse going broke betting on people.
  • Everything is changing. People are taking their comedians seriously and the politicians as a joke.
  • I’m not a real movie star. I’ve still got the same wife I started out with twenty-eight years ago.
  • American invents everything, but the trouble is we get tired of it the minute the new is wore off.
  • Our country has plenty of five-cent cigars, but the trouble is they charge fifteen cents for them.
  • Congress knew Coolidge would veto the farm bill. There was more politics than relief in that bill.
  • One way to solve the traffic problem is to keep all the cars that are not paid for off the streets.
  • Civilization has taught us to eat with a fork, but even now if nobody is around we use our fingers.
  • Both political parties have their good times and bad times, only they have them at different times.
  • Wish all the Farmers would move to town one year, that’s the only way I know to clear the thing up.
  • You must never tell a thing. You must illustrate it. We learn through the eye and not the noggin.
  • The “Ways & Means Committee” is a committee that’s supposed to find the Ways to divide up the Means.
  • People that pay for things never complain. It’s the guy you give something to that you can’t please.
  • When should a college athlete turn pro? Not until he has earned all he can in college as an amateur.
  • There ain’t nothing that breaks up homes, country and nations like somebody publishing their memoirs
  • In Hollywood you can see things at night that are fast enough to be in the Olympics in the day time.
  • If you’re ridin’ ahead of the herd, take a look back every now and then to make sure it’s still there
  • A country can get more real joy out of just hollering for their freedom than they can if they get it.
  • A holding company is a thing where you hand an accomplice the goods while the policeman searches you.
  • We fed ’em Xmas and New Years; now all the poor have to do is just fill the few meals until next Xmas
  • We know lots of things we didn’t use to know but we don’t know any way to prevent ’em from happening.
  • The only difference between death and taxes is that death doesn’t get worse every time Congress meets.
  • People should be more concerned with the return of their principal than the return on their principal.
  • Politicians are just a bunch of local bandits, sent by their local voters to raid the public treasury.
  • Pain is such an uncomfortable feeling that even a tiny amount of it is enough to ruin every enjoyment.
  • More men have been elected between Sundown and Sunup than ever were elected between Sunup and Sundown.
  • It looks to me like the candidates are trying to relieve the farmer of his vote, instead of his debts.
  • If I could kick the person in the tail that causes me the most problems I could not sit down for a week
  • A man who dies without adequate life insurance should have to come back and see the mess he created.
  • Hundreds and hundreds of beautiful horses in the parade and a man without a silver saddle is a vagrant.
  • How is the government going to get the extra taxes? Out of the rich, or just out of the poor, as usual?
  • Government investigations have always contributed more to our amusement than they have to our knowledge.
  • One of the evils of democracy is, you have to put up with the man you elect whether you want him or not.
  • Course, that’s the trouble with politics, it breeds politics! So that makes it pretty hard to stamp out.
  • Will Rogers used to say he wouldn’t run for president no matter how badly the country needed a comedian.
  • Advertising is the art of convincing people to spend money they don’t have for something they don’t need.
  • Real estate is the best investment in the world because it is the only thing they’re not making any more.
  • The Republicans have their splits right after election and Democrats have theirs just before an election.
  • The South is dry and will vote dry. That is, everybody that is sober enough to stagger to the polls will.
  • There have been three great inventions since the beginning of time: fire, the wheel, and central banking.
  • The worst thing that happens to you may be the best thing for you if you don’t let it get the best of you.
  • This country has come to feel the same when Congress is in session as when the baby gets hold of a hammer.
  • Nothing makes a man, or a body of men, as mad as the truth. If there is no truth in it, they laugh it off.
  • I read about eight newspapers in a day. When I’m in a town with only one newspaper, I read it eight times.
  • We are always saying: Let the Law take its Course but what we really mean is: Let the Law take OUR Course.
  • Long ago when men cursed and beat the ground with sticks, it was called witchcraft. Today it’s called golf.
  • When you give a lesson in meanness to a critter or a person, don’t be surprised if they learn their lesson.
  • It ain’t so much what a man doesn’t know that causes him so many problems, but what he knows that ain’t so.
  • People are getting smarter nowadays; they are letting lawyers, instead of their conscience, be their guide.
  • No nation ever had two better friends that we have. You know who they are? The Atlantic and Pacific oceans.
  • We are the only nation in the world that waits till we get into a war before we start getting ready for it.
  • Every day you meet a delegation going to some convention to try and change the way of somebody else’s life.
  • Rail-splitting produced an immortal president in Lincoln, but golf hasn’t produced even a good Congressman.
  • So the question rises: How much liberty can you get away with? Well, you get no more liberty than you give!
  • Polo, racing and horse shows all are doing great work to help the farmer and rancher to raise better horses.
  • I doubt if a charging elephant, or a rhino, is as determined or hard to check as a socially ambitious mother.
  • If Wall Street paid a tax on every game they run, we would get enough revenue to run the government on.
  • I am proud of the fact there is not a human being that I have got it in for. I never met a man I didn’t like.
  • If any of us had a child that we thought was as bad as we know we are, we would have cause to start to worry.
  • Don’t just grab at the first thing that comes along. Know when to refuse something that won’t get you anywhere
  • Prosperity this Winter is going to be enjoyed by everybody that is fortunate enough to get into the poor farm.
  • I go too fast to see much, only the tops of everything. I’ve got to prowl slow some time through this country.
  • Horses raise what the farmer eats and eats what the farmer raises. You can’t plow the ground and get gasoline.
  • We have plenty of Confidence in this country, but we are a little short of good men to place our Confidence in.
  • Half our life is spent trying to find something to do with the time we have rushed through life trying to save.
  • If you feel the urge, don’t be afraid to go on a wild goose chase. What do you think wild geese are for anyway?
  • He [Calvin Coolidge] is the first president to discover that what the American people want is to be left alone.
  • Successful colleges will start laying plans for a new stadium; unsuccessful ones will start hunting a new coach
  • Ancient Rome declined because it had a Senate, now what’s going to happen to us with both a House and a Senate?
  • The Lord so constituted everybody that no matter what color you are you require the same amount of nourishment.
  • In the Middle West now you got to put a brand on your soil, then in the Spring go on a round-up looking for it.
  • Now if there is one thing that we do worse than any other nation, it is try and manage somebody else’s affairs.
  • There is some talk of lowering (the income tax), and they will have to. People are not making enough to pay it.
  • Too many people spend money they haven’t earned to buy things they don’t want to impress people they don’t like.
  • Never slap a man who’s chewing tobacco. Never kick a cow chip on a hot day. Never miss a good chance to shut up.
  • When the Okies left Oklahoma and moved to California, they raised the average intelligence level in both states.
  • If I studied all my life, I couldn’t think up half the number of funny things passed in one session of congress.
  • There’s no way in the world you’re going to make a political party respectable unless you keep it out of office.
  • Even when you make a tax form out on the level, you don’t know when it’s through if you are a crook or a martyr.
  • Harvard students have completed more English courses and less forward passes than any school in this generation.
  • The minute you read something that you can’t understand, you can almost be sure that it was drawn up by a lawyer.
  • About all I can say for the United States Senate is that it opens with a prayer and closes with an investigation.
  • The Senate just sits and waits till they find out what the president wants, so they know how to vote against him.
  • The taxpayers are sending congressmen on expensive trips abroad. It might be worth it except they keep coming back
  • One thing I will say about the Germans, they are always perfectly willing to give somebody’s land to somebody else
  • Some say, what is the Salvation of the Movies? I say, run ’em backwards. It can’t hurt ’em and it’s worth a trial.
  • A successful outcome shows what hard work, perseverance and taking advantage of your opportunities will do for you.
  • Every time a woman leaves off something she looks better, but every time a man leaves off something he looks worse.
  • We may elevate ourselves but we should never reach so high that we would every forget those who helped us get there.
  • Those tax-exempt bonds were put in so that a town or a state or a government could sell more bonds than it ought to.
  • The business of government is to keep the government out of business – that is, unless business needs government aid.
  • On prohibiting anybody from learning anything: Why, in five years we would have the smartest race of people on earth.
  • When you put down the good things you ought to have done, and leave out the bad ones you did do well, that’s Memoirs.
  • There’s a simple solution to our traffic problems. We’ll have business build the roads, and government build the cars.
  • That’s what a Congressman or a Senator is for — to see that too much money don’t accumulate in the national Treasury.
  • Don’t wait to buy land, Buy land and wait. Find out where the people are going and buy the land before they get there.
  • I have a scheme for stopping war. It’s this – no nation is allowed to enter a war till they have paid for the last one.
  • You politicians have got to look further ahead; you always got a Putter in your hands, when you ought to have a Driver.
  • The reason political party platforms are so long is that when you straddle anything it takes a long time to explain it.
  • That’s the trouble with our charities; we are always saving somebody away off, when the fellow next to us ain’t eating.
  • You can take any line of business and skill and the ones who do it the best are the ones who get the most money for it.
  • If we could just go back the last two or three years and do our buying a little more carefully, why… we would be O.K.
  • If a man ain’t nothin’ else, then he’s an artist. It’s the only thing he can claim to be that nobody can prove he ain’t.
  • I was just thinking, if it is really religion with these nudist colonies, they sure must turn atheists in the wintertime.
  • Samuel Gompers has spent his life trying to keep labor from working too hard and has succeeded beyond his wildest dreams.
  • What’s the matter with the world? Why, there ain’t nothing but one word wrong with everyone of us, and that’s selfishness.
  • The problem in America isn’t so much what people don’t know; the problem is what people think they know that just ain’t so.
  • Democrats never agree on anything, that’s why they’re Democrats. If they agreed with each other, they would be Republicans.
  • Alexander Hamilton started the U.S. Treasury with nothing, and that was the closest our country has ever been to being even.
  • Say, did you read what this writer just dug up in George Washington’s diary? I was so ashamed I sat up all night reading it.
  • A liberal is a man who wants to use his own ideas on things in preference to generations who he knows know more than he does.
  • It rained in the Middle West. Farmers are learning that the relief they get from the sky beats what they get from Washington.
  • Everything worthwhile is a good idea, but did you ever notice there is more bad ideas that will work than there is good ones?
  • If we got one-tenth of what was promised to us in these acceptance speeches there wouldn’t be any inducement to go to heaven.
  • Well, the disarmament conference is off to a flying start. There is nothing to prevent their succeeding now but human nature.
  • The more you read and observe about this Politics thing, the more you’ve got to admit that each party is worse than the other.
  • You could transfer Congress over to run Standard Oil or General Motors, and they would have both things bankrupt in two years.
  • The Republicans have a habit of having three bad years and one good one, and the good one always happens to be election years.
  • The American people are a very generous people and will forgive almost any weakness, with the possible, exception of stupidity.
  • When everybody has got money they cut taxes, and when they’re broke they raise them. That’s statesmanship of the highest order.
  • It’s getting so if a man wants to stand well socially, he can’t afford to be seen with either the Democrats or the Republicans.
  • The budget is like a mythical bean bag. Congress votes mythical beans into it, then reaches in and tries to pull real ones out.
  • If the other fellow sells cheaper than you, it is called dumping. ‘Course, if you sell cheaper than him, that’s mass production.
  • The trip across Arizona is just one oasis after another. You can just throw anything out and it will grow there, I like Arizona.
  • When I die, I want to die like my grandfather who died peacefully in his sleep. Not screaming like all the passengers in his car.
  • Congress is going to start tinkering with the Ten Commandments just as soon as they find someone in Washington who has read them.
  • Do anything in this world but monkey with somebody eles’s religion. What reasoning of conceit makes anyone think theirs is right?
  • Technocracy wants to do everything by machinery. Machinery is doing just fine. If it can’t kill you, it will put you out of work.
  • America is a nation that conceives many odd inventions for getting somewhere but it can think of nothing to do once it gets there.
  • Americans are getting like a Ford car, they all have the same exact parts, the same upholstering and make exactly the same noises.
  • There is two things that can disrupt business in this country. One is War, and the other is a meeting of the Federal Reserve Bank.
  • I have always claimed Americans didn’t want a drink as bad as they wanted the right to take a drink if they did happen to want one.
  • The only real diplomacy ever performed by a diplomat is in deceiving their own people after their dumbness has got them into a war.
  • In the early days of the Indian Territory, there were no such things as birth certificates. You being there was certificate enough.
  • A president just can’t make much showing against congress. They lay awake nights, thinking up things to be against the president on.
  • The Democrats and the Republicans are equally corrupt where money is concerned. It’s only in the amount where the Republicans excel.
  • There is something about riding down the street on a prancing horse that makes you feel like something, even when you ain’t a thing.
  • I see a good deal of talk from Washington about lowering taxes-I hope they do get ’em lowered enough so people can afford to pay ’em
  • If you eliminate the names of Lincoln, Washington, Roosevelt, Jackson and Wilson, both conventions would get out three days earlier.
  • And, when the votes are counted, let everybody, including the candidates, get into a good humor as quick as they got into a bad one.
  • No man can be condemned for owning a dog. As long as he has a dog, he has a friend; and the poorer he gets, the better friend he has.
  • Anything important is never left to the vote of the people. We only get to vote on some man; we never get to vote on what he is to do.
  • The way to make money in the stock market is to buy a stock. Then, when it goes up, sell it. If it’s not going to go up, don’t buy it!
  • If all the time consumed in attending dinners and luncheons was consumed in some work, the production of this country would be doubled
  • You could be the World’s greatest orator and if you don’t say anything while orating, they are going to walk out on you after a while.
  • If America ever passes out as a great nation, we ought to put on our tombstone: America died from a delusion she had Moral Leadership.
  • You know, women always could endure more than men. Not only physically, but mentally – did you ever get a peek at some of the husbands?
  • You should never try and teach a pig to read for two reasons. First, it’s impossible; and secondly, it annoys the hell out of the pig!.
  • Don’t gamble; take all your savings and buy some good stock and hold it till it goes up, then sell it. If it don’t go up, don’t buy it.
  • I see where they are going to be more strict with these robbers; when they catch ’em from now on, they’re going to publish their names.
  • The time to save is now. When a dog gets a bone, he doesn’t go out and make a down payment on a bigger bone. He buries the one he’s got.
  • These dust storms…. Poor farmer spent a lifetime fixin’ his farm and everything, goes out and looks down at it, and it’s up above him.
  • Ohio claims they are due a president as they haven’t had one since Taft. Look at the United States, they have not had one since Lincoln.
  • Your mothers get mighty shocked at you girls nowadays, but in her day, her mother was just on the verge of sending her to reform school.
  • Alexander Hamilton originated the put and take system in our national treasury: the taxpayers put it in, and the politicians take it out
  • If you want to be successful, it’s just this simple. Know what you are doing. Love what you are doing. And believe in what you are doing.
  • The man with the best job in the country is the vice-president. All he has to do is get up every morning and say, ‘How is the president?’
  • There’s the one thing no nation can ever accuse us of and that is secret diplomacy. Our foreign are an open book, generally a check book.
  • They are voting whether to keep a governor two years or four. I think a good, honest governor should get four years, and the others life.
  • Banking and after-dinner speaking are two of the most nonessential industries we have in this country. I am ready to reform, if they are.
  • I haven’t seen a tractor working all day. The country has gone sane and got back to horses. Farmers all look worse, but they feel better.
  • They used to take your horse and if they were caught they got hung for it. Now they take your car, and if they are caught it’s a miracle.
  • Lord, the money we do spend on Government and it’s not one bit better than the government we got for one-third the money twenty years ago.
  • Let advertisers spend the same amount of money improving their product that they do on advertising and they wouldn’t have to advertise it.
  • In all your life, you will never find a method more effective in getting through to another person than to make that person feel important.
  • If you make any money, the government shoves you in the creek once a year with it in your pockets, and all that don’t get wet you can keep.
  • If everybody (traded his car for a horse) they would be out of debt in a couple of years. Just think, no gas, no tires, no roads to pay for.
  • I see by the papers that they are going to do away with all the nuisance taxes. That means that a man can get a marriage license for nothing.
  • Wine had such ill effects on Noah’s health that it was all he could do to live 950 years. Show me a total abstainer that ever lived that long.
  • In Hollywood the woods are full of people that learned to write but evidently can’t read. If they could read their stuff, they’d stop writing.
  • Don’t raise anything, except what fits your appetite. Then the price don’t worry you. Just raise all you can eat and let the low prices go by.
  • There wasn’t any more truth in over half of what any so-called orator said. If it wasn’t a Deliberate Lie, why it was an Exaggerated Falsehood.
  • This session of Congress is also to relieve the farmer again, relieve him of any encouragement that he might have received during the last one.
  • I was born on Nov. 4, which is election day … my birthday has made more men and sent more back to honest work than any other days in the year.
  • We all joke about Congress but we can’t improve on them. Have you noticed that no matter who we elect, he is just as bad as the one he replaces?
  • We are sure living in a peculiar time. You get morefor not working than you will for working, and morefor not raising a hog than for raising it.
  • Texas is a great state. It’s the ‘Old Man River’ of states. No matter who runs it or what happens to it politically, it just keeps rolling along!
  • An economist is a man that can tell you…what can happen under any given condition, and his guess is liable to be as good as anybody else’s too.
  • Old Hollywood is just like a desert water in Africa. Hang around long enough and every kind of animal in the world will drift in for refreshments.
  • People want just taxes more than they want lower taxes. They want to know that every man is paying his proportionate share according to his wealth.
  • I maintain that it should cost as much to get married as to get divorced. Make it look like marriage is worth as much as divorce, even if it ain’t.
  • What would we say if the Chinese sent a gunboat with their marines up the Mississippi River claiming they were protecting their laundries in Memphis?
  • There is not a better day in the world to be spent than with a lot of wise old cowmen around barbecued beef, black coffee and good “free holy” beans.
  • Mothers are the only race of people that speak the same tongue. A mother in Manchuria could converse with a mother in Nebraska and never miss a word.
  • There are two things I don’t care how smart you are, you will never understand. One is an alienist’s testimony, and the other is a railroad timetable.
  • Shrewdness in public life all over the world is always honored, while honesty in public men is generally attributed to dumbness and is seldom rewarded.
  • I don’t care how little your country is, you got a right to run it like you want to. When the big nations quit meddling then the world will have peace.
  • We are here just for a spell and then pass on. So get a few laughs and do the best you can. Live your life so that whenever you lose it, you are ahead.
  • There is a tremendous movement on to get lower taxes on earned incomes. Then will come the real problem, ‘Who among us on salary are earning our income?’
  • There is one rule that works in every calamity. Be it pestilence, war, or famine, the rich get richer and poor get poorer. The poor even help arrange it.
  • You can’t tell what a man is like or what he is thinking when you are looking at him. You must get around behind him and see what he has been looking at.
  • I don’t think either one of them knows what it’s all about, to be honest with you. Both sides are doing nothing but just looking towards the next election.
  • Personally, I have always felt that the best doctor in the world is the Veterinarian. He can’t ask his patients what is the matter…he’s just got to know.
  • Government spending? I don’t know what it’s all about. I don’t know any more about this thing than an economist does, and, God knows, he doesn’t know much.
  • I guess there is no two races of people in worse repute with everybody than the international bankers, and the folks that put all those pins in new shirts.
  • Never blame a legislative body for not doing something. When they do nothing, that don’t hurt anybody. When they do something is when they become dangerous.
  • On account of being a democracy and run by the people, we are the only nation in the world that has to keep a government four years, no matter what it does.
  • Every land or property owner in America would be tickled to death to pay 45 per cent of his profits, if he didn’t have to pay anything if he didn’t make it.
  • There is nothing as easy as denouncing. It don’t take much to see that something is wrong, but it does take some eyesight to see what will put it right again
  • Diplomats are just as essential to starting a war as soldiers are for finishing it… You take diplomacy out of war, and the thing would fall flat in a week.
  • The difference between a Republican and a Democrat is that the Democrat is a cannibal, they live off each other, while the Republicans live off the Democrats.
  • There is an awful lot of difference between reading something and actually seeing it, for you can never tell, till you see it, just how big a liar History is.
  • I don’t know how a lot of these nations existed as long as they have till we could get some of our people around and show ’em how to be good and pure like us.
  • George Washington was quite a farmer. He was a farmer, Civil Engineer and gentleman. He made enough at civil engineering to indulge in both the other luxuries.
  • The old horse is coming back in a high lope. Thousands of people are riding a horse today that five years ago couldn’t sit in a Ford with all the doors locked.
  • I don’t think you can make a lawyer honest by an act of legislature. You’ve got to work on his conscience. And his lack of conscience is what makes him a lawyer.
  • The minute a thing is long and complicated, it confuses. Whoever wrote the Ten Commandments made ’em short. They may not always be kept, but they are understood.
  • There are three kinds of men. The one that learns by reading. The few who learn by observation. The rest of them have to pee on the electric fence for themselves.
  • Lobbyists have more offices in Washington than the President. You see, the President only tells Congress what they should do. Lobbyists tell’em what they will do.
  • When you figure it right down, none of us are in a really essential business but the farmer, and he raises so much that even his business is partly non-essential.
  • There is no credit to being a comedian, when you have the whole Government working for you. All you have to do is report the facts. I dont even have to exaggerate.
  • The president says, ‘There is lots of people worse off than the Farmers.’ I don’t know who it could be unless it is the fellow who holds the Mortgages on the Farms.
  • The bankers just got a good cussing by everybody for loaning too much money. Well, they got some awful nice buildings. So when a banker fails, he fails in splendor.
  • If you want to know when a war might be coming, you just watch the U.S. and see when it starts cutting down on its defenses. It’s the surest barometer in the world.
  • That’s one thing about Republican Presidents. They never went in much for plans. They only had one plan. It says “Boys, my head is turned. Just get it while you can.
  • Coolidge is a better example of evolution than either Bryan or Darrow, for he knows when not to talk, which is the biggest asset the monkey possesses over the human.
  • This stuff they are talking here in Congress costs the people of the United States $44 a page. That’s beside what it costs to ship it to the asylums where it’s read.
  • Statistics have proven that the surest way to get anything out of the public mind and never hear of it again is to have a Senate committee appointed to look into it.
  • I will never joke about old soldiers who try to get to reunions to talk over the war again. To talk of old times with old friends is the greatest thing in the world.
  • The rest of the people know the condition of the country, for they live in it, but Congress has no idea what is going on in America, so the President has to tell ’em.
  • It will take America fifteen years of steady taking care of our own business and letting everybody else’s alone, to get us back to where everybody speaks to us again.
  • A senator got up today in Congress and called his fellow senators sons of wild jackasses. Now, if you think the senators were hot, imagine how the jackasses must feel.
  • I bet you, if I had met Trotsky, and had had a chat with him, I would have found him a very interesting and human fellow, for I have never yet met a man I didn’t like.
  • Some people try to turn back their odometers. Not me, I want people to know ‚úwhy I look this way. I’ve traveled a long way and some of the roads weren’t paved.
  • So let’s be honest with ourselves and not take ourselves too serious, and never condemn the other fellow for doing what we are doing every day, only in a different way.
  • I love words but I don’t like strange ones. You don’t understand them and they don’t understand you. Old words is like old friends, you know ’em the minute you see ’em.
  • … while the Republicans are smart enough to make money, the Democrats are smart enough to get in office every two or three times a century and take it away from ’em.
  • There are three types of men in the world. One type learns from books. One type learns from observations. And one type just has to urinate on the electric fence himself.
  • All I know is just what I read in the Congressional Record. They have had some awful funny articles in there lately. As our government deteriorates, our humor increases.
  • I am just an old country boy in a big town trying to get along. I have been eating pretty regular and the reason I have been is because I have stayed an old country boy.
  • There is no argument in the world that carries the hatred that a relioious belief does. The more learned a man is, the less consideration he has for another man’s belief.
  • Labor Day, I suppose set by an Act of Congress. Everything we do nowadays is either by, or against, Acts of Congress. How Congress knew anything about Labor is beyond us.
  • Our whole Depression was brought on by gambling, not in the stock market alone but in expanding and borrowing and going in debt… all just to make some easy money quick.
  • The greatest loss of time is delay and expectation. I never yet talked to the man who wanted to save time who could tell me what he was going to do with the time he saved.
  • Noah must have taken into the Ark two taxes, one male and one female. And did they multiply bountifully! Next to guinea pigs, taxes must have been the most prolific animals
  • You know, a Communist’s whole life work is based on complaint of how everything is done…. So if they ever get their country running good they will defeat their own cause.
  • A debt is just as hard for a Government to pay as it is for an individual. No debt ever comes due at a good time. Borrowing is the only thing that seems handy all the time.
  • Our financial ills will never be settled till you fix it so every man will pay an income tax on what he earns, be it a farm, grocery store or municipal or government bonds.
  • And kid Congress and the Senate, dont scold em. They are just children thats never grown up. They dont like to be corrected in company. Dont send messages to em, send candy.
  • When I die, my epitaph or whatever you call those signs on gravestones is going to read: “I joked about every prominent man of my time, but I never met a man I didn’t like.”
  • We will never get anywhere with our finances till we pass a law saying…every time we appropriate something, we…pass another bill…stating where the money is coming from.
  • Out here I had been putting what little money I had in Ocean Frontage, for the sole reason that there was only so much of it and no more, and that they wasent making any more.
  • The government says they have loaned over One Billion dollars to the Farmers. In other words, we can’t help you make any money, but we will show you where you can owe some more.
  • The public perceives there are problems with the water system, and with the efficiency of the system. We need some leadership and to provide expertise in the area of efficiency.
  • Every time somebody has thought of relief for the farmer it has been to make it so he could borrow more money. What he needs is some way to pay back. Not some way to borrow more.
  • Democrats always were a cheap lot. They never had much money to operate on…. They would rather make a speech than a dollar. They cultivate their voice instead of their finances.
  • There is something about a Republican that you can only stand him just so long; and on the other hand, there is something about a Democrat that you can’t stand him quite that long.
  • If a thousand shares of stocks or bonds make nothing, you pay nothing. But on a thousand acres of land you pay enough to support half the community who own no land and pay no taxes.
  • You can have all the advanced war methods you want, but, after all, nobody has ever invented a war that you don’t have to have somebody in the guise of soldiers to stop the bullets.
  • This country has gotten where it is in spite of politics, not by the aid of it. That we have carried as much political bunk as we have and still survived shows we are a super nation.
  • Every time we have an election, we get in worse men and the country keeps right on going. Times have proven only one thing and that is you can’t ruin this country even with politics.
  • After seeing kids play polo against big guys, it only shows that horses are the greatest equalizer in the world. No matter what you weigh, the little fellow is your equal on a horse.
  • There is only one redeeming thing about this whole election. It will be over at sundown, and let everybody pray that it’s not a tie, for we couldn’t go through with this thing again.
  • What the Secretary of Agriculture is trying to do is to teach the farmer corn acreage control, and the hogs birth control, and one is just as hard to make understand it as the other.
  • Even if you’re on the right track, you’ll get run over if you just sit there. Opportunity rarely knocks on your door. Knock rather on opportunity’s door if you ardently wish to enter.
  • With all our crime and all our immorality … and about as much contentment and respose as a fresh-caged hyena, we go to tell the whole world: we are the only one with the right idea!
  • Women are not the weak, frail little flowers that they are advertised. There has never been anything invented yet, including war, that a man would enter into, that a woman wouldn’t, too.
  • Funny to watch these Senators switching back and forth on Prohibition. Politics is a great character builder. You have to take a referendum to see what your convictions are for that day.
  • We cuss Congress, and we joke about ’em, but they are all good fellows at heart, and if they wasn’t in Congress, why, they would be doing something else against us that might be even worse.
  • Every Gag I tell must be based on truth. No matter how much I may exaggerate it, it must have a certain amount of Truth…. Now Rumor travels Faster, but it don’t stay put as long as Truth.
  • I represent what is left of a vanishing race, and that is the pedestrian. That I am still able to be here, I owe to a keen eye and a nimble pair of legs. But I know they’ll get me someday.
  • If we have Senators and Congressmen there that can’t protect themselves against the evil temptations of lobbyists, we don’t need to change our lobbies, we need to change our representatives.
  • It looks like the financial giants of the world have bungled as much as the diplomats and politicians. This would be a great time in the world for some man to come along that knew something.
  • Elections are a good deal like marriages. There’s no accounting for anyone’s taste. Every time we see a bridegroom we wonder why she ever picked him, and it’s the same with public officials.
  • After eating an entire bull, a mountain lion felt so good he started roaring. He kept it up until a hunter came along and shot him… The moral: When you’re full of bull, keep your mouth shut.
  • The Supreme Court is divided almost in half on the decisions. Talk about an international court. How would we ever agree with a lot of foreigners when we can’t even agree among our own judges?
  • My own mother died when I was 10 years old. My folks have told me that what little humor I have comes from her. I can’t remember her humor, but I can remember her love and understanding of me.
  • And if you call one a real estate agent and he won’t sell you anything. He is a REALATOR. It’s the same as what the old fashioned real estate agent used to be only the commission is different.
  • Believe in something for another world, but don’t be too set on what it is, and then you won’t start out that life with a disappontment. Live your life so that whenever you lose you are ahead.
  • We are always yapping about the ‘Good Old Days’ and how we look back and enjoy it, but I tell you there is a lot of hooey to it. There is a whole lot of all our past lives that wasn’t so hot.
  • In politics practically everything you hear is scandal, and besides, the funny thing is that the things they are whispering ain’t half has bad as the things they have been saying right out loud.
  • President Coolidge said, ‘I don’t want the Government to go into business.’ Well, if I was Mr. Coolidge I wouldn’t worry over that. The Government never has been accused of being a business man.
  • I bet any Sunday could be made as popular at church as Easter is if you made ’em fashion shows too. The audience is so busy looking at each other that the preacher just as well recite Gunga Din.
  • You have a wonderful organization. I understand you have ten thousand here. And if you count the ones in the various federal prisons, it brings your total membership up to around thirty thousand.
  • I’m not against (bull fighting). Some nations like to see blood, and some like to see their victims suffer from speculation… They kill the bull very quick. Wall Street lets you live and suffer.
  • A foreigner coming here and reading the Congressional Record would say that the President of the United States was elected solely for the purpose of giving Senators somebody to call a horse thief.
  • I traveled a good deal all over the world, and I got along pretty good in all these foreign countries, for I have a theory that it’s their country and they got a right to run it like they want to.
  • Legalize racing in every State. Sure people will bet, but they get to see the horses run and you certain can’t see General Motors and General Electric and General Utility run when you bet on them.
  • There is two types of Larceny, Petty and Grand. They are supposed to be the same in the eyes of the law, but judges always put a little extra on you for Petty, which is kind of a fine for stupidness.
  • The farmers can be thankful. Didn’t the Farm Board decide in Washington last week that they could have cheaper interest? All the farmers have to do now is to find something new to put up as security.
  • We have been just going like a house afire, and we couldent see any reason why we shouldent keep right on burning. Our tastes were acquired on credit, and we wanted to keep on enjoying ’em on credit.
  • It would drive a person crazy to dope out really what does divide the two parties. Prosperity don’t divide the two parties, for under either administration the poor get poorer and the rich get richer.
  • Just read the farm relief bill. It’s just a political version of Einstein’s last theory. If a farmer could understand it, he certainly would know more than to farm. He would be a professor at Harvard.
  • Both gangs have been bad sports, so see if at least one can’t redeem themselves by offering no alibis, but cooperate with the winner, for no matter which one it is the poor fellow is going to need it.
  • The man that found the 726-carat diamond in Africa, received $350,000 for it and wants to buy a farm and silk hat. Well, I can understand a man perhaps being eccentric enough to want to own a silk hat.
  • All one has to do to get one’s stuff in the Congressional Record is to find a stenographer that can stay awake long enough to take it down. Then you mark in the ‘Applause’ and ‘Laughter’ parts yourself.
  • The more that learn to read the less learn how to make a living. That’s one thing about a little education. It spoils you for actual work. The more you know the more you think somebody owes you a living.
  • The 1928 Republican Convention opened with a prayer. If the Lord can see His way clear to bless the Republican Party the way it’s been carrying on, then the rest of us ought to get it without even asking.
  • Congress meets tomorrow morning. Let us all pray: Oh Lord, give us strength to bear that which is about to be inflicted upon us. Be merciful with them, oh Lord, for they know not what they’re doing. Amen.
  • I guess there is nothing that will get your mind off everything like golf. I have never been depressed enough to take up the game, but they say you get so sore at yourself you forget to hate your enemies.
  • Bankers are likeable rascals. Now that we are all wise to ’em, it’s been shown that they don’t know any more about finances than the rest of us know about our businesses… which has proved to be nothing.
  • Show me a healthy community with a healthy economy and I will show you a community that has its green infrastructure in order and understands the relationship between the built and the unbuilt environment.
  • Candidates have been telling you that if elected they would ‘pull you from this bog hole of financial misery.’ Now is a good chance to get even with ’em, by electing ’em, just to prove what a liar they are.
  • I don’t care how poor and inefficient a little country is – they like to run their own business. I know men that would -make my wife a better husband than I am but, darn it, I’m not going to give her to ’em.
  • If a bank fails in China, they behead the men at the top of it that was responsible… If we beheaded all of ours that were responsible for bank failures, we wouldn’t have enough people left to bury the heads.
  • Everything is funny as long as it is happening to Somebody Else, but when it happens to you, why it seems to lose some of its Humor, and if it keeps on happening, why the entire laughter kinder Fades out of it.
  • The fellow that can only see a week ahead is always the popular fellow, for he is looking with the crowd. But the one that can see years ahead, he has a telescope but he can’t make anybody believe that he has it.
  • Andrew Jackson was the first one to think up the idea to promise everybody that if they will vote for you, you will give them an office when you get it, and the more times they vote for you, the bigger the office.
  • I was born because it was a habit in those days, people didn’t know anything else … I was not a Child Prodigy, because a Child Prodigy is a child who knows as much when it is a child as it does when it grows up.
  • You can’t legitimately kick on income tax, for it’s on what you have made. You have already made it. But, look at land, farms, homes, stores, vacant lots. You pay year after year on them whether you make it or not.
  • The Democrats are going to change the name of the Hoover Dam. That is the silliest thing I ever heard of in politics . . . Lord if they feel that way about it, I don’t see why they don’t just reverse the two words.
  • A lot of guys have had a lot of fun joking about Henry Ford because he admitted one time that he didn’t know history. He don’t know it, but history will know him. He has made more history than his critics ever read.
  • A Democrat is just like a baby. If it’s hollering and making a lot of noise, there is nothing serious the matter with it. When it’s quiet and doesn’t pay much attention to anything, that’s when it’s really dangerous.
  • I see where we are starting to pay some attention to our neighbors to the south. We could never understand why Mexico wasn’t just crazy about us, for we have always had their good will, and oil and minerals, at heart
  • I have always said that a conference was held for one reason only, to give everybody a chance to get sore at everybody else. Sometimes it takes two or three conferences to scare up a war, but generally one will do it.
  • It’s the greatest game I ever saw. You can’t lose. Everybody buys to sell and nobody buys to keep. What’s worrying me is who is going to be the last owner. It’s just like an auction; the only one stuck is the last one.
  • They are having quite an argument over Treasury Secretary Mellon’s Tax Bill. Mr. Mellon wants to cut the surtax on the rich, and leave it as is on the poor, as there is more poor than rich. I suppose the majority will win.
  • The only way to solve the traffic problems of the country is to pass a law that only paid-for cars are allowed to use the highways. That would make traffic so scarce, we could use our boulevards for children’s playgrounds.
  • Now they got such a high inheritance tax on ’em that you won’t catch these old rich boys dying promiscuously like they did. This bill makes patriots out of everybody. You sure do die for your country if you die from now on.
  • Politics is the best show in America. I love animals and I love politicians, and I like to watch both of ’em at play, either back home in their native state, or after they’ve been captured and sent to a zoo, or to Washington.
  • There is a terrible lot of us who don’t think that we come from a monkey, but if there are some people who think that they do, why, it’s not our business to rob them of what little pleasure they might get out of imagining it.
  • We Americans think we are pretty good! We want to build a house, we cut down some trees. We want to build a fire, we dig a little coal. But when we run out of all these things, then we will find out just how good we really are.
  • Funny thing about being a U.S. senator, the only thing the law says you have to be is 30 years old. Not another single requirement. They just figure that a man that old got nobody to blame but himself if he gets caught in there.
  • You’ve never in your life seen a picture, I bet any one of you, never seen a picture of one of these old Pilgrims praying when they didn’t have a gun right by the side of them. That was to see that he got what he was praying for.
  • My father was one-eighth Cherokee indian and my mother was quarter-blood Cherokee. I never got far enough in arithmetic to figure out how much injun that made me, but there’s nothing of which I am more proud than my Cherokee blood.
  • It’s no laughing matter being a Republican in these perilous times. Anyone can be a Republican when the stock market is up, but when stocks are selling for no more than they’re worth, I tell you, being a Republican – it’s a sacrifice.
  • I make a living off (politicians), so I can’t knock ’em. Every time we elect some fellow we think he’s terrible and then when we get another one in he’s worse. So, I am always in favor of keeping the one we’ve got and let the other go.
  • I do honestly believe the Republicans have reformed and want to do better. But whether they have done it in time to win the election is another thing. The old voter is getting so he wants to be saved before October every election year.
  • If you got a dollar, soak it away, put it in a savings bank, bury it, do anything but spend it. Spending when we didn’t have it put us where we are today. Saving when we’ve got it will get us back to where we was before we went cuckoo.
  • I would never make a good economist. You know, an economist is a man that can tell you anything about‚ well, he will tell you what can happen under any given condition ‚ and his guess is liable to be as good as anybody else’s, too.
  • Coolidge has the best idea on this farm relief. He said, ‘Farmers, you are in a hole. I can’t help you, but I will get in with you.’ He did. That made it fine so the farmers were satisfied as long as Coolidge was going to get in with them.
  • I am a great believer in high-priced people. If a thing cost a lot it may not be any better, but it adds a certain amount of class that the cheap thing can never approach; in the long run it’s the higher-priced things that are the cheapest.
  • I argue with wife over what little pieces of real estate investments we should try to pay on and hold, and which to let go back. We always said, “Put it in land, and you can always walk on it.” We did, but no buyers would walk on it with us.
  • Will somebody please tell me what they do with all the Vice-Presidents a bank has? Why the United States is the biggest business institution in the world, and they got only one Vice-President and nobody has ever found anything for him to do.
  • There is not a man in the country that can’t make a living for himself and family. But he can’t make a living for them and his government, too, the way his government is living. What the government has got to do is live as cheap as the people
  • If your Income Taxes go to help out the less fortunate, there could be no legitimate kick against it in the world. This is becoming the richest, and the poorest Country in the world. Why? Why, on account of an unequal distribution of the money.
  • The sales tax is the best and most equitable tax. The gasoline tax, which is nothing but a sales tax, has proven painless, productive and punitive. Everything we buy should have its equal proportion of tax, outside of cheap food and cheap clothes.
  • But we can’t alibi all our ills by just knocking the old banker. First he loaned the money, then the people all at once wanted it back, and he didn’t have it. Now he’s got it again, and is afraid to loan it, so the poor devil don’t know what to do.
  • Why don’t somebody print the truth about our present economic situation? We spent six years of wild buying on credit – everything under the sun, whether we needed it or not – and now we are having to pay for ’em, and we are howling like a pet coon.
  • Horsemanship through the history of all nations has been considered one of the highest accomplishments. You can’t pass a park without seeing a statue of some old codger on a horse. It must be to his bravery, you can tell it’s not to his horsemanship.
  • I am telling folks that the Country as a whole is “Sound,” and that all those who’s heads are solid are bound to get back into the market again. I tell ’em that this Country is bigger than Wall Street, and if they don’t believe it, I show ’em the map.
  • It sure did kick up some excitement in the Senate when one Senator called the other Senators ‘sons of Wild jackasses.’ Well, if you thought it made the Senators hot, you wait till you see what happens when the jackasses hear how they have been slandered.
  • Coolidge made less speeches and got more votes than any man that ever run. (William Jennings) Bryan was listened to and cheered by more people than any single human in politics, and he lost. So there is a doubt just whether talking does you good or harm.
  • Of course nothing is ever done about a [presidential] commission report, except, they say, once a man at the state prison for the criminally insane actually read one once clear through. Then he did something about it. He made a bonfire that lasted a week.

 

  • There wasn’t any Republicans in Washington’s day. No Republicans, no Boll Weevil, no income tax, no cover charge, no disarmament conference, no luncheon clubs, no stop lights, no static, no head winds. My Lord, living in those days, who wouldn’t be great?

 

  • A Realtor is an old fashioned Real Estate man with a neck tie. A Real Estate man sold you what you wanted, a Realtor sells you what you don’t need. A Real Estate man showed you what you could raise on the land, a Realtor tells you what you can build on it.
  • A woman can make a man feel older or younger than his years if she so chooses. Being a woman is a terribly difficult task since it consists principally in dealing with men. Women were made with a sense of humor so they could love men instead of laughing at them.
  • Get a sales tax, small on necessities and large on luxuries; then a stiff inheritance tax on the fellow that saves and don’t spend. That will get him either way. A tax paid on the day you buy is not as tough as asking you for it the next year when you are broke.
  • The small town is passing. It was the incubator that hatched all our big men, and that’s why we haven’t got as many big men today as we used to have. Take every small-town-raised leader out of business and you would have nobody left running it but vice-presidents.
  • Cities are like gentlemen, they are born, not made. You are either a city, or you are not, size has nothing to do with it.  I bet San Francisco was a city from the very first time it had a dozen settlers.  New York is “Yokel”, but San Francisco is “City at Heart”.
  • This thing about getting rid of a man in the Cabinet is all right, but there is one bad feature to it that few people realize. That is, that unfortunately every one of them is replaced by someone else. If it wasn’t for that, this resignation business would be great.
  • You know Lincoln’s famous remark about “God must have loved the common people, because he made so many of them?” Well, you are not going to get people’s votes nowadays by calling ’em common. Lincoln might have said it, but I bet it was not until after he was elected.
  • It wasn’t what we needed then that was hurting us, it was what we was paying for that we had already used up. The country was just buying gasoline for a leaky tank. Everything was going into a gopher hole and you couldent see where you was going to get any of it back.
  • I don’t make jokes. I just watch the government and report the facts. I’m not a member of any organized political party, I’m a Democrat! If we ever pass out as a great nation we ought to put on our tombstone ‘America died from a delusion that she had moral leadership.’
  • George Bernard Shaw of England stopped over just long enough to make one speech in Bombay, India, started a war and 100 Indians killed each other. That’s what I call good speech-making. The only enthusiasm any of our speakers can rouse is a demand to kill the speaker.
  • The high income tax come pretty near passing in the Senate. Only lacked about six votes. So it won’t be long now. Well, there is millions and millions that are not making it, that would be glad to give up 99 per cent if you would let ’em earn a hundred thousand or more.
  • When you have helped to raise the standard of cooking, you have helped to raise the only thing in the world that really matters. We only have one or two wars in a lifetime, but we have three meals a day — there’s nothing in the world that we do as much as we do eating.
  • I don’t see why a man shouldn’t pay an inheritance tax. If a Country is good enough to pay taxes to while you are living, it’s good enough to pay in after you die. By the time you die you should be so used to paying taxes that it would just be almost second nature to you.
  • Instead of giving money to found colleges to promote learning, why don’t they pass a constitutional amendment prohibiting anybody from learning anything? If it works as good as the Prohibition one did, why, in five years we would have the smartest race of people on earth.
  • Parades should be classed as a Nuisance and participants should be subject to a term in prison. They stop more work, inconvenience more people, stop more traffic, cause more accidents, entail more expense, and commit and cause I don’t remember the other hundred misdemeanors.
  • Everytime a lawyer writes something, he is not writing for posterity, he is writing something so that endless others of his craft can make a living out of trying to figure out what he said. Course perhaps he really haden’t said anything, that’s what makes it so hard to explain.
  • I read where they are going to limit debate in the Senate. It used to be that a man could talk all day, but now, as soon as he tells all he knows, he has to sit down. Most of these birds will just be getting up and nodding now. Why, some of them won’t be able to answer roll call.
  • A Republican moves slowly. They are what we call conservatives. A conservative is a man who has plenty of money and doesn’t see any reason why he shouldn’t always have plenty of money. A Democrat is a fellow who never had any, but doesn’t see any reason why he shouldn’t have some.
  • Politics pretty quiet over the week-end. Democrats are attacking and the Republicans are defending. All the Democrats have to do is promise “what they would do if they got in.” But the Republicans have to promise “what they would do” and then explain why they haven’t already “done it”.
  • I have often said in answer to inquiries as to how I got away with kidding some of our public men, that it was because I liked all of them personally, and that if there was no malice in your heart there could be none in your “Gags”, and I have always said I never met a man I dident like.
  • One of these days they are going to remove so much of the ‘hooey’ and the thousands of things the schools have become clogged up with, and we will find that we can educate our broods for about one-tenth of the price and learn ’em something that they might accidentally use after they escape.
  • Say, this new home building idea of President Hoover’s sounds good. They are working out a lot of beneficial things. The only thing is it took ’em so long to think of any of ’em. We ought to have plans in case of depression, just like we do in case of fire, ‘Walk, don’t run, to the nearest exit.’
  • You see, in Washington they have these bodies, Senate and the House of Representatives. That is for the convenience of the visitors. If there is nothing funny happening in one, there is sure to be in the other, and in case one body passes a good bill, why, the other can see it in time and kill it.
  • I would love to see Mr. (Henry) Ford in there, really. I don’t know who started the idea that a President must be a Politician instead of a Business man. A Politician can’t run any other kind of business. So there is no reason why he can run the U.S. That’s the biggest single business in the World.
  • And the thing about my jokes is, they don’t hurt anybody. You can take ’em or leave ’em – you can say they’re funny or they’re terrible or they’re good, or whatever, but you can just pass ’em by. But with Congress, every time they make a joke, it’s a law! And every time they make a law, it’s a joke!
  • Ability is all right but if it is not backed up by honesty and public confidence you will never be a successful person. The best a man can do is to arrive at the top in his chosen profession. I have always maintained that one profession is deserving of as much honor as another provided it is honorable.
  • Millions and millions of people don’t pay an income tax, because they don’t earn enough to pay on one, but you pay a land tax whether it ever did or ever will earn you a penny. You should pay on things that you buy outside of bare necessities. I think this sales tax is the best tax we have had in years.
  • The money was all appropriated for the top in the hopes that it would trickle down to the needy. Mr. Hoover didn’t know that money trickled up. Give it to the people at the bottom and the people at the top will have it before night, anyhow. But it will at least have passed through the poor fellow’s hands.
  • There is one thing about Englishmen, they won’t fix anything till it’s just about totally ruined. You couldn’t get the English to fix anything at the start. No! They like to sit and watch it grow worse. Then, when it just looks like the whole thing has gone up Salt Creek, why, the English jump in and rescue it.
  • Wall Street is being investigated, but they are not asleep while it’s being done. You see where the Senate took that tax off the sales of stocks, didn’t you? Saved ’em $48,000,000. Now, why don’t somebody investigate the Senate and see who got to them to get that tax removed? That would be a real investigation.
  • Here is my Farm Relief bill: Every time a Southerner plants nothing on his farm but cotton year after year, and the Northerner nothing but wheat or corn, why, take a hammer and hit him twice right between the eyes. You may dent your hammer, but it will do more real good than all the bills you can pass in a year.
  • Now I am not unpatriotic, and I want to do my bit, so I hereby offer my services to my President, my country and my friends to do anything, outside of serving on a commission, that I can in this great movement. But you will have to give me some idea of where “confidence” is. And just who you want it restored to.
  • In Washington, one man could do what ten of them do. There could be only a quarter or a third as many congressmen or senators, and we would pick better ones then. But it’s the system that we have always used, and there is no use getting all overcome with perspiration over it. Things kinder run themselves, anyhow.
  • Even if you’re on the right track, you’ll get run over if you just sit there. My folks were Indian. Both my mother and father had Cherokee blood in them. I was born and raised in Indian Territory. ‘Course we’re not the Americans whose ancestors came over on the Mayflower, but we met them at the boat when they landed.
  • When I die, my epitaph or whatever you call those signs on gravestones is going to read: “I joked about every prominent man of my time, but I never met a man I didn’t like.” I am so proud of that I can hardly wait to die so it can be carved. And when you come to my grave you will find me sitting there, proudly reading it.
  • You know the more you read and observe about this Politics thing, you got to admit that each party is worse than the other. The one that’s out always looks the best. My only solution would be to keep em both out one term and hire my good friend Henry Ford to run the whole thing, and give him a commission on what he saves us.
  • We owe more money than any Nation in the World, and we are LOWERING TAXES. When is the time to pay off a debt if it is not when you are doing well? You let a Politician return home from Washington and announce, ‘Boys we lowered your taxes. We had to borrow the money to do it, but we did it.’ Say, they would elect him for life.
  • The whole trouble with the Republicans is their fear of an increase in income tax, especially on higher incomes. They speak of it almost like a national calamity. I really believe if it come to a vote whether to go to war with England, France and Germany combined, or raise the rate on incomes of over $100,000, they would vote war.
  • The minute you read something and you can’t understand it, you can be sure it was written by a lawyer. Then, if you give it to another lawyer to read and he don’t know just what it means, then you can be sure it was drawn up by a lawyer. If it’s in a few words and is plain, and understandable only one way, it was written by a non-lawyer.
  • See where Congress passed a two billion dollar bill to relieve bankers’ mistakes. You can always count on us helping those who have lost part of their fortune, but our whole history records nary a case where the loan was for the man who had absolutely nothing. Our theory is to help only those who can get along, even if they don’t get a loan.
  • With old inflation riding the headlines, I have read till I am bleary-eyed, and I can’t get head from tails of the whole thing. … Now we are living in an age of explanations-and plenty of ’em, too-but no two things that’s been done to us have been explained twice the same way, by even the same man. It’s and age of in one ear and out the other.
  • We never will have any prosperity that is free from speculation till we pass a law that every time a broker or person sells something, he has got to have it sitting there in a bucket, or a bag, or a jug, or a cage, or a rat trap, or something, depending on what it is he is selling. We are continually buying something that we never get from a man that never had it.
  • The government sent the Indians to Oklahoma. They had a treaty that said, ‘You shall have this land as long as grass grows and water flows.’ It was not only a good rhyme but looked like a good treaty, and it was till they struck oil. Then the Government took it away from us again. They said the treaty only refers to ‘Water and Grass; it don’t say anything about oil.’
  • One wants recovery to start from the bottom, and the other wants it to start from the top. I don’t know which is right. I’ve never heard of anybody suggesting that they might start it in the middle, so I hereby make that suggestion. To start recovery halfway between the two, because it’s the middle class that does everything anyhow. But I don’t know anything about it.
  • America already holds the record for freak movements. Now we have a new one. It’s called “Restoring Confidence.” Rich men who never had a mission in life outside of watching a stock ticker are working day and night “restoring confidence.” Writers are working night shifts, speakers’ tables are littered up, ministers are preaching statistics, all on “restoring confidence.”
  • Our president delivered his State of the Union message to Congress. That is one of the things his contract calls for — to tell congress the condition of the country. This message, as I say, is to Congress. The rest of the people know the condition of the country, for they live in it, but Congress has no idea what is going on in America, so the president has to tell ’em.
  • Just been talking today out here to all the Senators investigating these stock swindles and overcapitalizations. There has been hundreds of millions lost. There ought to be some form of guardianship for people that buy all this junk. Education won’t do it. The buyers are the ones we have educated up till they are just smart enough to fall for everything that comes along.
  • I know things are going to get better in spite of both sides. Then when things do get better, then you’ll hear the yell that will go up. The Democrats will swear that recovery was due to them. Now the Republicans, they’ll say it was due to them. Nobody wanted to claim the credit for the country blowing up, but wait until it starts picking up and they’ll both be on it then. See?
  • We had a great lunch. Senator Capper paid for it. The Republican pays, as usual. And everything that the Democrats are doin’ now, the Republicans pay for it. Everybody asks me, “Will, how long is this going to go on, spending all this money and everything going like this?” I says, “Well, it will go on just as long as the Republicans has got any money. That’s all I know about it.”
  • Politics are receiving a lot of attention because we have nothing else to interest us. No nation in the history of the world was ever sitting as pretty. If we want anything, all we have to do is go and buy it on credit. So that leaves us without any economic problem whatever, except perhaps some day to have to pay for them. But we are certainly not thinking about that this early.
  • Now these fellows in Washington wouldn’t be so serious and particular if they only had to vote on what they thought was good for the majority of the people in the U.S. That would be a cinch. But what makes it hard for them is every time a bill comes up they have things to decide that have nothing to do with the merit of the bill. The principal thing is of course: What will this do for me personally back home?
  • The good people of Dakota offered to give Calvin Coolidge a farm if he would live on it. I wouldn’t advise you to give those people too much credit for generosity. There is not a farmer in any State in the West that wouldn’t be glad to give him a farm if he will paint it, fix up the fences and keep up the series of mortgages that are on it. And if you think Coolidge ain’t smart, you just watch him not take it.
  • So here we are in a country with more wheat and corn and more money in the bank, more cotton, more everything in the world-there’s not a product that you can name that we haven’t got more of than any other country ever had on the face of the earth-and yet we’ve got people starving. We’ll hold the distinction of being the only nation in the history of the world that ever went to the poor house in an automobile.
  • Land taxes is the thing. They got so high that there is no chance to make anything. Not only land but all property tax. You see in the old days, why the only thing they knew how to tax was land, or a house. Well, that condition went along for quite awhile, so even today the whole country tries to run its revenue on taxes on land. They never ask if the land makes anything. “It’s land ain’t it? Well tax it then.”
  • I originated a remark many years ago that I think has been copied more than any little thing that I’ve ever said, and I used it in the follies of 1922. I said America has a unique record. We never lost a war and we never won a conference in our lives. I believe that we could without any degree of egotism, single-handed lick any nation in the world. But we can’t confer with Costa Rica and come home with our shirts on.
  • Sure must be a great consolation to the poor people who lost their stock in the late crash to know that it has fallen in the hands of Mr. Rockefeller, who will take care of it and see that it has a good home and never be allowed to wander around unprotected again. There is one rule that works in every calamity. Be it pestilence, war or famine, the rich get richer and the poor get poorer. The poor even help arrange it.
  • I arrived at my hut in Beverly Hills just in time to keep real estate men from plotting off and selling my front yard. They will sell you anything or anybody’s in the world as long as they can get a first payment… It used to be only Iowa that was out here but now they have three or four adjoining states interested and they are here, too. Real estate agents – you never saw as many in your life; they are as thick as bootleggers.
  • Say did you read in the papers about a bunch of Women up in British Columbia as a protest against high taxes, sit out in the open naked, and they wouldent put their clothes on? The authorities finally turned a Sprayer that you use on trees, on ’em. That may lead into quite a thing. Woman comes into the tax office nude, saying I won’t pay. Well they can’t search her and get anything. It sounds great. How far is it to British Columbia?
  • Here’s another way of putting it. Roosevelt wants recovery to start at the bottom. In other words, by a system of high taxes, he wants business to help the little fellow to get started and get some work, and then pay business back by buying things when he’s at work. Business says, ‘Let everybody alone. Let business alone, and quit monkeying with us, and we’ll get everything going for you, and if we prosper, naturally the worker will prosper.’
  • Borrowing money on what’s called ‘easy terms,’ is a one-way ticket to the Poor House. If you think it ain’t a Sucker Game, why is your Banker the richest man in your Town? Why is your Bank the biggest and finest building in your Town? Instead of passing Bills to make borrowing easy, if Congress had passed a Bill that no Person could borrow a cent of Money from any other person, they would have gone down in History as committing the greatest bit of Legislation in the World.
  • The whole financial structure of Wall Street seems to rise or fall on the mere fact that the Federal Reserve Bank raises or lowers the amount of interest. Any business that can’t survive a one percent change must be skating on thin ice. Why even the poor farmer took a raise of another ten percent just to get a loan from the bank, and nobody from the government paid any attention. But you let Wall Street have a nightmare and the whole country has to help to get them back into bed again.
  • Well, another senator rose and said {as they always do} ‘Does the gentleman yield?’ They always say that – least they call each other ‘gentleman’ in there. But the tone they put on the word, it would sound more appropriate if they came right out and said ‘Would the coyote from Maine yield?’ ’cause that’s about the way it sounds. Well, then, the other senator says ‘I yield’ (for if he don’t the other guy’ll keep on talking anyhow). So the coyote from Maine says ‘I yield to…the polecat from Oregon!’
  • They have passed the big inheritance tax, and that gets you when you are gone. You used to could die and be able to beat taxes, but not now. The undertaker don’t go over your body as carefully as the assessor does your accumilated assets, and he gets his before the undertaker. They have it on these big fortunes now where they pay as high as 60 to 70 percent of what they leave. That’s mighty expensive dying when it runs into money like that, and you won’t see ’em dropping off as casually as they have been.
  • When a party can’t think of anything else they always fall back on Lower Taxes. It has a magic sound to a voter, just like Fairyland is spoken of and dreamed of by all children. But no child has ever seen it; neither has any voter ever lived to see the day when his taxes were lowered. Presidents have been promising lower taxes since Washington crossed the Delaware by hand in a row boat. But our taxes have gotten bigger and their boats have gotten larger until now the President crosses the Delaware in his private yacht.
  • If you have a radio, the next three months is a good time to have it quit working. All you will hear from now until the 4th of November will be: ‘We must get our government out of the hands of predatory wealth.’ ‘The good people of this great country are burdened to death with taxes. Now what I intend to do is …’ What he intends to do is try and get elected. That’s all any of them intend to do. Another one that will hum over the old static every night will be: ‘This country has reached a crisis in its national existence.’

 

Marilyn Monroe (quotes)

  • Anything’s possible, almost.
  • I am good, but not an angel.
  • It stirs up envy, fame does.
  • I sin, but I’m not the devil.
  • I’m pretty, but not beautiful.
  • Wise girls kiss but never love,
  • Who said nights were for sleep?
  • Fear is stupid. So are regrets.
  • I keep my undies in the icebox!
  • I’m good, but I’m not an angel.
  • Jewish men don’t know anything.
  • I like to feel blonde all over.
  • Diamonds are a girls bestfriend
  • I’m sin, but I’m not the devil.
  • It’s all make believe, isn’t it?
  • Happiness never becomes a habit.
  • Dogs never bite me. Just humans.
  • I restore myself when I’m alone.
  • Happy Birthday, Mr Presidenttttt
  • I want the world to see my body.
  • I do sin, but I am not the devil.
  • I’m pretty, but I’m not beautiful.
  • I love a natural look in pictures.
  • It was my fans who made me a star.
  • Friends accept you the way you are.
  • Inspirational, Happiness, Inspiring
  • I don’t digest things with my mind.
  • I wish I knew why I am so anguished.
  • The happiest time of my life is now.
  • Thinking, Wonderful Friends, Stories
  • I think I made his back feel better.
  • Well, whatever I am, I am the blonde!
  • They will only care when you’re gone.
  • The sky is not the limit. Your mind is
  • A smart girl leaves before she is left.
  • I believe in everything – a little bit.
  • Song: Diamonds Are A Girl’s Best Friend
  • No sex is wrong, if there’s love in it.
  • Dogs have never hurt me. Only men have.
  • all girls are beautiful in their own way
  • President, President Kennedy, Democratic
  • I’ve never dropped anyone I believed in.
  • I think I have always had a little humor.
  • Marriage is the dark side of the honeymoon
  • You must feel attractive to be attractive.
  • Creativity has got to start with humanity.
  • Happiness is not in money, but in shopping.
  • I’m very definitely a woman and I enjoy it.
  • The ‘public’ scares me, but people I trust.
  • Sisters make the best friends in the world.
  • You know, most people really don’t know me.
  • Fame may go by and – so long, I’ve had you.
  • Within crisis, are the seeds of opportunity.
  • I’m going to be a great movie star some day.
  • I enjoy acting when you really hit it right.
  • I sleep in the nude but I pull the sheets up.
  • I am alone; I am always alone no matter what.
  • I feel that beauty and femininity are ageless
  • I have too much imagination to be a housewife
  • If I’m a star, then the people made me a star.
  • There is a need for aloneness… for an actor.
  • The truth can only be recalled, never invented.
  • A career is born in public – talent in privacy.
  • I love to do the things the censors won’t pass.
  • I believe that everything happens for a reason.
  • It takes a smart brunette to play a dumb blonde.
  • There is a future, and I can’t wait to get to it
  • In spite of everything life is not without hope.
  • You’re always running into people’s unconscious.
  • All little girls should be told they are pretty.
  • Nothing’s ever easy as long as you go on living.
  • The body is meant to be seen, not all covered up.
  • Sex is a part of nature. I go along with nature.
  • If marriage were only bed, we could have made it.
  • I don’t want to be rich, I just want to be loved.
  • A girl does not need anyone who does not need her.
  • We are all of us stars, and we deserve to twinkle.
  • We should all start to live before we get too old.
  • Telegram to Robert and Ethel Kennedy, 13 June 1962
  • After all, all we demanded was a right to twinkle.
  • An actor is supposed to be a sensitive instrument.
  • It’s not true I had nothing on, I had the radio on.
  • I’m thirty-six years old. I’m just getting started!
  • You’re the beautiful one. It’s society that’s ugly.
  • Everyone’s a star and deserves the right to twinkle.
  • Don’t stop when you’re tired; stop when you’re done.
  • I live to succeed, not to please you or anyone else.
  • Women who try to be equivalent with men need desire.
  • By nature, I suppose I have a languorous disposition
  • What do I wear in bed? Why, Chanel No. 5, of course.
  • Isn’t there any other part of the matzo you can eat?
  • As long as I can remember, I’ve always loved people.
  • I’ve been on a calendar, but I’ve never been on time.
  • I am not a victim of emotional conflicts. I am human.
  • My work is the only ground I’ve ever had to stand on.
  • I am trying to find myself. Sometimes that’s not easy.
  • I know I will never be happy, but I know I can be gay!
  • Only parts of us will ever touch only parts of others.
  • Men are so willing to respect anything that bores them.
  • I wanna be loved by you, just you, nobody else but you.
  • The only thing a star asks is to be allowed to twinkle.
  • Of the nude pictures: Sure I posed. I needed the money.
  • I want to be an artist, not… a celluloid aphrodisiac.
  • I don’t stop when I’m tired. I only stop when I’m done.
  • If a man isn’t a certain age, he just isn’t interesting.
  • I didn’t mind being thought of as dumb. I knew I wasn’t.
  • I don’t want to make money, I just want to be wonderful.
  • I’m trying to find myself. Sometimes it’s not that easy.
  • Ever since I became a movie star,I’ve been really weird.
  • A sex symbol becomes a thing. I just hate to be a thing.
  • It is wonderful to have someone praise you, to be desired.
  • President Kennedy is very democratic and very penetrating.
  • There isn’t anybody that looks like me without clothes on.
  • Sometimes good things the best things coincide fall apart.
  • You never know what life is like, until you have lived it.
  • Sometimes I feel my whole life has been one big rejection.
  • In Rockford I decided that I had seen enough of the world.
  • Marriage destroyed my relationship with two wonderful men.
  • Why is it you always meet people when you look your worst?
  • If you can make a girl laugh, you can make her do anything.
  • If I’d observed all the rules, I’d never have got anywhere.
  • Ever notice how ‘What the hell’ is always the right answer?
  • There’s only one sort of natural blonde on earth – albinos.
  • The chief drawback with men is that they are too talkative.
  • The nicest thing for me is sleep, then at least I can dream.
  • Always remember to smile and look up at what you got in life.
  • Fictional character: Cherie. “Bus Stop”, www.imdb.com. 1956.
  • Enjoy the fact that you’re a woman and men will enjoy it too.
  • You might as well make yourself fly as to make yourself love.
  • If you’re gonna be two-faced at least make one of them pretty.
  • I learned to walk as a baby, and I haven’t had a lesson since.
  • Personally, I react to Marlon Brando. He’s a favorite of mine.
  • Book by Stanley Buchthal and Bernard Comment, 2010.
  • I’ve found men are less likely to let petty things annoy them.
  • I myself would like to become more disciplined within my work.
  • Things go wrong so that you appreciate them when they’re right.
  • I don’t mind making jokes, but I don’t want to look like one…
  • For a long time I was scared I’d find out I was like my mother.
  • I think that when you are famous every weakness is exaggerated.
  • How do I know about a man’s needs for a sex symbol? I’m a girl.
  • A man makes you feel important – makes you glad you are a woman.
  • It’s better being completely ridiculous than unbelievably boring.
  • Dreaming about being an actress, is more exciting then being one.
  • A woman knows by intuition, or instinct, what is best for herself.
  • Love is something you cant invent, no matter how much you want to.
  • I don’t know who invented high heels, but all women owe him a lot.
  • They’ve said I want to direct pictures. I couldn’t direct traffic.
  • Being a movie star was never as much fun as dreaming of being one.
  • A wise girl knows her limits, a smart girl knows that she has none.
  • It’s better to be unhappy alone than unhappy with someone – so far.
  • try to enjoy myself when I can – I’ll be miserable enough as it is.
  • There’s no such thing as chance, it’s all preordained.Lik e KISMET.
  • I have too many fantasies to be a housewife. I guess I am a fantasy.
  • Gee, I never thought I had an effect on people until I was in Korea.
  • I just got to feel that whoever I marry has some real regard for me.
  • In Hollywood a girl’s virtue is much less important than her hairdo.
  • In fact, my popularity seems almost entirely a masculine phenomenon.
  • A career is wonderful, but you can’t curl up with it on a cold night.
  • Don’t let your fear of failing triumph over the joy of participating.
  • I have always had a talent for irritating women since I was fourteen.
  • Sometimes good things fall apart so better things could fall together.
  • The real lover is the man who can thrill you by kissing your forehead.
  • You believe lies so you eventually learn to trust no one but yourself.
  • Music for Chameleons (A Beautiful Child). Book by Truman Capote, 1980.
  • it is better to be happy alone than to be miserable with someone else
  • If you don’t love me at my worst, then you don’t deserve me at my best.
  • It’s easier to look sexy when you’re thinking of one man in particular.
  • I don’t mind living in a man’s world as long as I can be a woman in it.
  • Someday I want to have children and give them all the love I never had.
  • One of the things I like best about men is they’re a little vulnerable.
  • A career is a wonderful thing, but you can’t snuggle up to it at night.
  • a struggle with shyness is in every actor more than anyone can imagine.
  • Maybe I’ll never be able to do what I hope to, but at least I have hope.
  • That’s the story of my life; I always get the fuzzy end of the lollipop.
  • Husbands are chiefly good as lovers when they are betraying their wives.
  • A kiss on the hand might feel very good, but a diamond tiara is forever.
  • When I was five I think, that’s when I started wanting to be an actress.
  • Never regret anything because at one time it was exactly what you wanted.
  • Just because you fail once doesn’t mean you’re gonna fail at everything.
  • I think to love bravely is the best and accept – as much as one can bear.
  • Girls shouldn’t worry about being the equal of men in the business world.
  • I don’t look at myself as a commodity, but I’m sure a lot of people have.
  • Acting became more than a profession to me. It became a sort of religion.
  • Men love you more if they can be made a little uncertain about owning you.
  • A smart girl is one who knows how to play tennis, golf, piano — and dumb.
  • It’s a terrible thing to be lonesome, especially in the middle of a crowd.
  • I often wake up in the night, and I like to have something to think about.
  • Fictional character: The Girl. “The Seven Year Itch”, www.imdb.com. 1955.
  • A friend tells you what you want to hear;a best friend tells you the truth.
  • I’m personally opposed to a deep tan because I like to feel blond all over.
  • Fame doesn’t fulfill you. It warms you a bit, but that warmth is temporary.
  • Most men judge your importance in their lives by how much you can hurt them.
  • I don’t understand why people aren’t a little more generous with each other.
  • When it comes to gossip, I have to readily admit men are as guilty as women.
  • I think that sexuality is only attractive when it’s natural and spontaneous.
  • When Clark Gable died, I cried for 2 days straight. I couldn’t eat or sleep.
  • …I’ve found out it’s fun to go shopping. It’s such a feminine thing to do.
  • No girl should ever forget that she doesn’t need anyone who doesn’t need her.
  • I’m one of the world’s most self-conscious people. I really have to struggle.
  • A sweater is like life, you get nothing out of it that you don’t put into it!
  • I have been told my eating habits are absolutely bizarre. But I don’t think so.
  • The truth is, I’ve never fooled anyone. I’ve let men sometimes fool themselves.
  • Arthur Miller wouldn’t have married me if I had been nothing but a dumb blonde.
  • Black men don’t like to be called ‘boys,’ but women accept being called ‘girls.’
  • You can read about yourself but what’s important is how you feel about yourself.
  • An actress is not a machine, but they treat you like a machine. A money machine.
  • It’s better to be angry without paying for gold than to be angry after you paid.
  • When it gets hot like this, you know what I do? I keep my undies in the ice box.
  • Beneath the makeup and behind the smile I am just a girl who wishes for the world.
  • I was never used to being happy, so that wasn’t something I ever took for granted.
  • Keep smiling, because life is a beautiful thing and there’s so much to smile about.
  • I have never been able to wear pajamas or creepy nightgowns; they disturb my sleep.
  • Just because you’ve failed once, it doesn’t mean you’re going to fail at everything.
  • The more I think of it, the more I realize there are no answers. Life is to be lived.
  • Only the public can make a star. It’s the studios who try to make a system out of it.
  • The one thing a person wants in life is usually something basic that money can’t buy.
  • A woman can bring a new love to each man she loves, providing there are not too many.
  • All a girl really wants is for one guy to prove to her that they are not all the same.
  • Having a child, that’s always been my biggest fear. I want a child and I fear a child.
  • People always ask me if I believe diamonds are a girl’s best friend. Frankly, I don’t.
  • I learned to walk when I was ten months old and I’ve been walking this way ever since.
  • I have never liked sex. I do not think I ever will. It just seems the opposite of love.
  • Nearly everyone I knew talked to me about God. They always warned me not to offend Him.
  • Promises are worse than lies. You don’t just make them believe, you also make them hope.
  • I want to be an artist, an actress with integrity, and that includes all kinds of parts.
  • Always, always, always believe in yourself, because if you don’t, then who will, sweetie?
  • Men are climbing to the moon, but they don’t seem interested in the beating human heart.
  • We human beings are strange creatures and still reserve the right to think for ourselves.
  • People had a habit of looking at me as if I were some kind of mirror instead of a person.
  • Fictional character: Lorelei Lee. “Gentlemen Prefer Blondes”, www.imdb.com. July 1, 1953.
  • There are no women who do not like perfume, there are women who have not found their scent.
  • In life, we weep at the thought of death. In death, perhaps we weep at the thought of life.
  • I’m the type of person that tries to fall back asleep in the morning just to finish a dream.
  • She was a girl who knew how to be happy even when she was sad. And that’s important—you know
  • Dating a new man is like holding a strawberry milkshake; first the taste, then the pleasure.
  • I don’t want everybody to see exactly where I live, what my sofa or my fireplace looks like.
  • I’ve always felt those articles somehow reveal more about the writers than they do about me.
  • Cutting negative people from my life does not mean I hate them, it simply means I respect me.
  • The outside world wants me to have glamour; my fans want me glamorous. I won’t let them down.
  • I don’t want to play sex roles any more. I’m tired of being known as the girl with the shape.
  • Happiness is the most important thing in the world, without it, you live a life of depression.
  • The Films of Barbra Streisand. Book by Christopher Nickens and Karen Swenson, October 1, 2000.
  • Do people ever get over being shy? I think it’s with you for life-like the color of your eyes.
  • What’s the good of drawing in the next breath if all you do is let it out and draw in another?
  • If a man doesn’t want you at your worst, then he sure as hell doesn’t deserve you at your best.
  • Girdles and wire stays should have never been invented. No man wants to hug a padded bird cage.
  • I have feelings too. I am still human. All I want is to be loved, for myself and for my talent.
  • I think cheesecake helps call attention to you. Then you can follow through and prove yourself.
  • It’s better for the whole world to know you, even as a sex star, than never to be known at all.
  • When I was 11, the whole world was closed to me. I just felt I was on the outside of the world.
  • Being a sex symbol is a heavy load to carry, especially when one is tired, hurt and bewildered.
  • A wise girl kisses but doesn’t love, listens but doesn’t believe, and leaves before she is left.
  • If you spend your life competing with business men, what do you have? A bank account and ulcers!
  • For those who are poor in happiness, each time is a first time; happiness never becomes a habit.
  • I doubt if any doctor could recommend a more nourishing breakfast for a working girl in a hurry.
  • If there is only one thing in my life that I am proud of, it’s that I’ve never been a kept woman.
  • Fame is like caviar, you know – it’s good to have caviar but not when you have it at every meal.
  • It’s nice to be included in people’s fantasies but you also like to be accepted for your own sake.
  • Wouldnt it be nice to be like men and get notches in your belt… and not get emotionally involved?
  • Important people are much more interesting when they are drunk and seem much more like human beings.
  • Men who think that a woman’s past love affairs lessen her love for them are usually stupid and weak.
  • What good am I? I can’t have kids. I can’t cook. I’ve been divorced three times. Who would want me?
  • Everyones childhood plays itself out. No wonder no one knows the other or can completely understand.
  • I think one of the basic reasons men make good friends is that they can make up their minds quickly.
  • I want to grow old without facelifts. I want to have the courage to be loyal to the face I have made.
  • Millions of people live their entire lives without finding themselves. But it is something I must do.
  • But square-cut or pear-shaped, These rocks don’t lose their shape. Diamonds are a girl’s best friend.
  • The public doesn’t mind people living together without being married, providing they don’t overdo it.
  • Hollywood is a place where they’ll pay you a thousand dollars for a kiss and fifty cents for your soul.
  • Respect is one of life’s greatest treasures. I mean, what does it all add up to if you don’t have that?
  • I don’t think sun-tanned skin is any more attractive than white skin, or any healthier, for that matter
  • When you’re famous you kind of run into human nature in a raw kind of way. It stirs up envy, fame does.
  • Her Inspiration: Secrets to Help You Work Smart, Be Successful, and Have Fun. Book by Mina Parker, 2008.
  • Next to my husband and along with Marlon Brando, Yves Montand is the most attractive man I’ve ever met.
  • I learned also that the best way to keep out of trouble was by never complaining or asking for anything.
  • I’ve given pure sex appeal very little thought. If I had to think about it I’m sure it would frighten me.
  • This life is what you make it. Not matter what, you’re going to mess up sometimes, it’s a universal truth.
  • I’ve often stood silent at a party for hours listening to my movie idols turn into dull and little people.
  • I don’t consider myself an intellectual. And this is not one of my aims. But I admire intellectual people.
  • The trouble with censors is that they worry if a girl has cleavage. They ought to worry if she hasn’t any.
  • If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you sure as hell shouldn’t schedule a meeting with me before 10am.
  • First, I’m trying to prove to myself that I’m a person. Then maybe I’ll convince myself that I’m an actress.
  • One of the best things that ever happened to me is that I’m a woman. That is the way all females should feel.
  • I want to be an artist, not an erotic freak. I don’t want to be sold to the public as a celluloid aphrodisiac.
  • Boys think girls are like books, If the cover doesn’t catch their eye they won’t bother to read what’s inside”.
  • We are all born sexual creatures,thank God, but it’s a pity so many people despise and crush this natural gift.
  • When you’re young and healthy you can plan on Monday to commit suicide, and by Wednesday you’re laughing again.
  • To put it bluntly, I seem to have a whole superstructure with no foundation. But I’m working on the foundation.
  • I don’t forgive people because I’m weak, I forgive them because I am strong enough to know people make mistakes.
  • I want to say to the people, if I am a star, the people made me a star. No studio, no person, but the people did.
  • It’s almost having certain kinds of secrets for yourself that you’ll let the whole world in on only for a moment.
  • I enjoy acting when you really hit it right. And I guess I’ve always had too much fantasy to be only a housewife.
  • Creativity starts with humanity when were being human we feel – joys, sadness, when we’re sick, when we’re nervous
  • I never used to bother with exercises. Now I spend at least 10 minutes each morning working out with small weights
  • When you don’t have any money, the problem is food. When you have money, it’s sex. When you have both, it’s health.
  • I always have a full-length mirror next to the camera when I’m doing publicity stills. That way, I know how I look.
  • There is just no comparison between having a dinner date with a man and staying home playing canasta with the girls.
  • Designers want me to dress like Spring, in billowing things. I don’t feel like Spring. I feel like a warm red Autumn.
  • I finally made up my mind I wanted to be an actress and I was not going to let my lack of confidence ruin my chances.
  • I like actors very much, but to marry one would be like marrying your brother. You look too much alike in the mirror.
  • Fame is fickle, and I know it. It has its compensations but it also has its drawbacks, and I’ve experienced them both.
  • Frankly, I’ve never considered my own figure so exceptional; until quite recently, I seldom gave it any thought at all
  • Before marriage, a girl has to make love to a man to hold him. After marriage, she has to hold him to make love to him.
  • For life: it is rather a determination not to be overwhelmed. For work: the truth can only be recalled, never invented.
  • To all the girls that think you’re fat because you’re not a size zero, you’re the beautiful one, its society who’s ugly.
  • The worst thing that happens to people when they dress up and go to a party is that they leave their real selves at home.
  • Always admired men who had many women. It must be that to a child of a dissatisfied woman the idea of monogamy is hollow.
  • I hear you’re looking for a sexy blonde to play with the Marx Brothers. Would you like to see me. I’m blonde and I’m sexy.
  • That’s the way you feel when you’re beaten inside. You don’t feel angry at those who’ve beaten you. You just feel ashamed.
  • I could have loved you once And said it But then you went away And when you came back Love was a forgotten word, Remember?
  • A man is more frank and sincere with his emotions than a woman. We girls, I’m afraid, have a tendency to hide our feelings.
  • I was brought up differently than the average American child because the average child is brought up expecting to be happy.
  • A man has a tendency to accept you the way you are, while most women immediately start to pick flaws and want to change you.
  • If I play a stupid girl and ask a stupid question, I’ve got to follow it through. What am I supposed to do, look intelligent?
  • Doing a scene is like opening a bottle. If it doesn’t open one way, try another – perhaps even give it up for another bottle?
  • A woman can’t be alone. She needs a man. A man and a woman support and strengthen each other. She just can’t do it by herself.
  • As Michael (Chekhov)’s pupil, I learned more about acting. I learned psychology, history, and the good manners of art – taste.
  • No one ever told me I was pretty when I was a little girl. All little girls should be told they’re pretty, even if they aren’t.
  • The thing I want more than anything else? I want to have children. I used to feel for every child I had, I would adopt another.
  • I usually eat four or five raw carrots with my meat, and that is all. I must be part rabbit; I never get bored with raw carrots
  • (about her teen years) My admirers all said the same thing in different ways. It was my fault, their wanting to kiss and hug me.
  • I think every human being knows how to hate. Because if they didn’t know how to hate how to hate they wouldn’t know how to love.
  • The real lover is the man who can thrill you just by touching your head or smiling into your eyes – or just by staring into space.
  • The fact is that I find more most men are more open, more generous, and much more stimulating than the majority of females I know.
  • I lay in bed at night crying to myself. The only one who loved me and watched over me was someone I couldn’t see or hear or touch.
  • I once wanted to prove myself by being a great actress. Now I want to prove that I’m a person. Then maybe I’ll be a great actress.
  • I’m looking forward to becoming a marvelous – excuse the word marvelous – character actress. like Marie Dressler, like Will Rogers.
  • When you have only a single dream it is more than likely to come true – because you keep working toward it without getting mixed up.
  • I am good, but not an angel. I do sin, but I am not the devil. I am just a small girl in a big world trying to find someone to love.
  • Suicide, is a persons privilege. I don’t believe it’s a sin or a crime it’s your right if you do. Though it doesn’t get you anywhere.
  • Love and work are the only two real things in our lives. They belong together, otherwise it is off. Work is in itself a form of love.
  • I guess I have always been deeply terrified to really be someone’s wife since I know from life one cannot love another, ever, really.
  • An actor is supposed to be a sensitive instrument. Isaac Stern takes good care of his violin. What if everybody jumped on his violin?
  • You can’t sleep your way into being a star. It takes much, much more. But it helps a lot of actresses get their first chance that way.
  • I used to get the feeling, and sometimes I still get it, that sometimes I was fooling somebody; I don’t know who or what, maybe myself.
  • I won’t be satisfied until people want to hear me sing without looking at me. Of course, that doesn’t mean I want them to stop looking.
  • When you’re a failure in Hollywood, that’s like starving to death outside a banquet hall, with smells of filet mignon driving you crazy.
  • It’s not to much fun to know yourself too well or think you do – everyone needs a little conceit to carry them through & past the falls.
  • Just remember, some come, some go. The ones that stay with you through everything – they’re your true best friends. Don’t let go of them.
  • People respect you because they feel you’ve survived hard times and endured, and although you’ve become famous, you haven’t become phony.
  • It’s often just enough to be with someone. I don’t need to touch them. Not even talk. A feeling passes between you both. You’re not alone.
  • I am good, but not an angel. I do sin, but I am not the devil. I am pretty, but not beautiful. I have friends, but I am not the peacemaker.
  • When it comes down to it, I let them think what they want. If they care enough to bother with what I do, then I’m already better than them.
  • I always felt I was a nobody, and the only way for me to be somebody was to be – well, somebody else. Which is probably why I wanted to act.
  • Confidentially, the type of male I find most enjoyable for a friend is one who has enough fire and assurance to speak up for his convictions.
  • My public is growing up just as I am. After all, I’m not 19 anymore and if I stick with the sex bit, who will be paying to see me when I’m 50?
  • Looking back, I guess I used to play-act all the time. For one thing, it meant I could live in a more interesting world than the one around me.
  • Most people in the world are Christ lovers. And then there are Christ haters. But all of them are fixated on Christ, and he perpetuates for ever.
  • Creativity has got to start with humanity and when you’re a human being, you feel, you suffer. You’re gay, you’re sick, you’re nervous or whatever.
  • In leaving Hollywood and coming to New York, I feel I can be more myself. After all, if I can’t be myself, what’s the good of being anything at all?
  • Sometimes I think it would be easier to avoid old age, to die young, but then you’d never complete your life, would you? You’d never wholly know you.
  • I would have told her then she was the only thing that I could love in this dying world but the simple word “love” itself already died and went away.
  • If your man is a sports enthusiast, you may have to resign yourself to his spouting off in a monotone on a prize fight, football game or pennant race.
  • I’ve fallen in love with Brooklyn. I’m going to buy a little house in Brooklyn and live there. I’ll go to the coast only when I have to make a picture.
  • Don’t you know that a man being rich is like a girl being pretty? You wouldn’t marry a girl just because she’s pretty, but my goodness, doesn’t it help?
  • I have noticed… that men usually leave married women alone and are inclined to treat all wives with respect. This is no great credit to married women.
  • Just because you fail once, doesn’t mean you’re fail at everything. Keep trying, hold on, and always trust yourself, because if you don’t then who will??
  • The first effect marriage had on me was to increase my lack of interest in sex…. Actually our marriage was a sort of friendship with sexual privileges.
  • I knew I belonged to the public and to the world, not because I was talented or even beautiful, but because I had never belonged to anything or anyone else.
  • Success makes so many people hate you. I wish it wasn’t that way. It would be wonderful to enjoy success without seeing envy in the eyes of those around you.
  • A strong man doesn’t have to be dominant toward a woman. He doesn’t match his strength against a woman weak with love for him. He matches it against the world.
  • What I really want to say: That what the world really needs is a real feeling of kinship. Everybody: stars, laborers, Negroes, Jews, Arabs. We are all brothers.
  • Naturally, there are times when every woman likes to be flattered… to feel she is the most important thing in someone’s world. Only a man can paint this picture.
  • If fame goes by, so long, I’ve had you, fame. If it goes by, I’ve always known it was fickle. So at least it’s something I experience, but that’s not where I live.
  • I am involved in a freedom ride protesting the loss of the minority rights belonging to the few remaining earthbound stars. All we demanded was our right to twinkle.
  • I’m so many people. They shock me sometimes. I wish I was just me! I used to think I was going crazy, until I discovered that some people I admired were like that to.
  • I could never pretend something I didn’t feel. I could never make love if I didn’t love, and if I loved I could no more hide the fact than change the color of my eyes.
  • I am invariably late for appointments – sometimes as much as two hours. I’ve tried to change my ways but the things that make me late are too strong, and too pleasing.
  • Fame has a special burden, which I might as well state here and now. I don’t mind being burdened with being glamorous and sexual. But what goes with it can be a burden
  • I love a natural look in pictures. I like people with a feeling one way or another – it shows an inner life. I like to see that there’s something going on inside them.
  • I wanted to ask a thousand questions, but there was no one to ask. Besides I knew that people only told lies to children-lies about everything from soup to Santa Claus.
  • When I was a youngster I lived with different families. I nearly always felt closer to the man of the house. Maybe because I always dreamed of having a father of my own.
  • A sex-symbol becomes a thing, I just hate being a thing. But if I’m going to be a symbol of something I’d rather have it sex than some other things we’ve got symbols of.
  • Squeezing yourself to ooze out the last ounce of sex allure is terribly hard. I’d like to do roles like Julie in Bury the Dead, Gretchen in Faust and Teresa in Cradle Song.
  • If a star or studio chief or any other great movie personages find themselves sitting among a lot of nobodies, they get frightened – as if somebody was trying to demote them.
  • Let yourself go, the pleasure of physical movement is so important. If that’s a problem, you say to yourself, what is there that I am afraid of, or hiding? Maybe your libido!
  • Yes, there was something special about me, and I knew what it was. I was the kind of girl they found dead in a hall bedroom with an empty bottle of sleeping pills in her hand.
  • Do not ever go back to that from which decided to leave. As much as you did not ask, and how would you not want to own. Having conquered a mountain, begin to attack the other.
  • I have evolved my own exercises, for the muscles I wish to keep firm, and I know they are right for me because I can feel them putting the proper muscles into play as I exercise.
  • Consider the fellow. He never spends his time telling you about his previous night’s date. You get the idea he has eyes only for you and wouldn’t think of looking at another woman.
  • I was never happy as a child, so it wasn’t something I took for granted.i did’nt grow up as an average, american child. An average child grows up with an expectation of being happy.
  • Like any creative human being, I would like a bit more control so that it would be a little easier for me when the director says, ‘One tear, right now,’ that one tear would pop out.
  • Beauty and femininity are ageless and can’t be contrived, and glamour, although the manufacturers won’t like this, cannot be manufactured. Not real glamour; it’s based on femininity.
  • Please don’t make me a joke. End the interview with what I believe. I don’t mind making jokes, but I don’t want to look like one… I want to be an artist, an actress with integrity…
  • Speaking of Oscars, I would win overwhelmingly if the Academy gave an Oscar for faking orgasms. I have done some of my best acting convincing my partners I was in the throes of ecstasy.
  • At twelve I looked like a girl of seventeen. My body was developed and shapely. I still wore the blue dress and the blouse the orphanage provided. They made me look like an overgrown lummox.
  • There was my name up in lights. I said, ‘God, somebody’s made a mistake.’ But there it was, in lights. And I sat there and said, ‘Remember, you’re not a star.’ Yet there it was up in lights.
  • With fame, you know, you can read about yourself, somebody else’s ideas about you, but what’s important is how you feel about yourself – for survival and living day to day with what comes up.
  • My marriage didn’t make me sad, but it didn’t make me happy either. My husband and I hardly spoke to each other. This wasn’t because we were angry. We had nothing to say. I was dying of boredom.
  • The studio people want me to do “Good-bye Charlie” for the movies, but I’m not going to do it. I don’t like the idea of playing a man in a woman’s body – you know? It just doesn’t seem feminine.
  • It stirs up envy, fame does. People feel fame gives them some kind of privilege to walk up to you and say anything to you – and it won’t hurt your feelings – like it’s happening to your clothing.
  • Acting isn’t something you do. Instead of doing it, it occurs. If you’re going to start with logic, you might as well give up. You can have conscious preparation, but you have unconscious results.
  • Trying to build myself up with the fact that I have done things right that were even good and have had moments that were excellent but the bad is heavier to carry around and feel have no confidence.
  • There are many times when a woman will ask another girl friend how she likes her new hat. She will reply, ‘Fine,’ but slap her hand to her forehead the minute the girl leaves to yipe, ‘What a horror!’
  • People had a habit of looking at me as if I were some kind of mirror instead of a person. They didn’t see me, they saw their own lewd thoughts, then they white-masked themselves by calling me the lewd one.
  • Everybody is always tugging at you. They’d all like a sort of chunk out of you. I don’ think they realize it, but it’s like ‘grrr do this, grr do that’ But you do want to stay intact-intact and on two feet.
  • Too often they don’t realize what they have until it’s gone. …they’re too stubborn to say, ‘Sorry, I was wrong’ they hurt the ones closest to their hearts, and we let the most foolish things tear us apart
  • I’ll think I have a few wonderful friends and all of a sudden, ooh, here it comes. They do a lot of things. They talk about you to the press, to their friends, tell stories, and you know, it’s disappointing.
  • Some people have been unkind. If I say I want to grow as an actress, they look at my figure. If I say I want to develop, to learn my craft, they laugh. Somehow they don’t expect me to be serious about my work.
  • I used to think as I looked out on the Hollywood night, ‘There must be thousands of girls sitting alone like me dreaming of being a movie star.’ But I’m not going to worry about them. I’m dreaming the hardest.
  • I have always felt comfortable in blue jeans. I have found it interesting, however, that people also whistle at blue jeans. I have to admit that I like mine to fit. There’s nothing I hate worse than baggy blue jeans.
  • I’ve read all of Shakespeare and practiced a lot of lines. … I am going to do Juliet first. Don’t laugh. What, with what makeup, costume and camera can do, my acting will create a Juliet who is 14, an innocent virgin.
  • Experts on romance say for a happy marriage there has to be more than a passionate love. For a lasting union, they insist, there must be a genuine liking for each other. Which, in my book, is a good definition for friendship.
  • Sometimes I’ve been to a party where no one spoke to me for a whole evening. The men, frightened by their wives or sweeties, would give me a wide berth. And the ladies would gang up in a corner to discuss my dangerous character.
  • I’ve never fooled anyone. I’ve let people fool themselves. They didn’t bother to find out who and what I was. Instead they would invent a character for me. I wouldn’t argue with them. They were obviously loving somebody I wasn’t.
  • Everybody says I can’t act. They said the same thing about Elizabeth Taylor. And they were wrong. She was great in A Place in the Sun. I’ll never get the right part, anything I really want. My looks are against me. They’re too specific.
  • Someone said to me, ‘If fifty percent of the experts in Hollywood said you had no talent and should give up, what would you do?’ My answer was then and still is, ‘If a hundred percent told me that, all one hundred percent would be wrong.’
  • You’ve got a way with words. You got me smiling even when it hurts. There’s no way to measure what your love is worth, I can’t believe the way you get through to me. ~ Shania Twain If you can make a girl laugh, you can make her do anything
  • Of course, it does depend on the people, but sometimes I’m invited places to kind of brighten up a dinner table like a musician who’ll play the piano after dinner, and I know you’re not really invited for yourself. You’re just an ornament.
  • As far as I can make out, women’s friendships with each other are based on a gush of lies and pretty speeches that mean nothing. You’d think they were all wolves trying to seduce each other the way they flatter and flirt when they’re together.
  • I’m for the individual as opposed to the corporation. The way it is the individual is the underdog, and with all the things a corporation has going for them the individual comes out banged on her head. The artist is nothing. It’s really tragic.
  • My illusions didn’t have anything to do with being a fine actress. I knew how third rate I was. I could actually feel my lack of talent, as if it were cheap clothes I was wearing inside. But, my God, how I wanted to learn, to change, to improve!
  • I’ve always felt toward the slightest scene, even if all I had to do in a scene was just to come in and say, ‘Hi,’ that the people ought to get their money’s worth and that this is an obligation of mine, to give them the best you can get from me.
  • I don’t know if high society is different in other cities, but in Hollywood, important people can’t stand to be invited someplace that isn’t full of other important people. They don’t mind a few unfamous people being present because they make good listeners.
  • I’m trying to find myself as a person, sometimes that’s not easy to do. Millions of people live their entire lives without finding themselves. But it is something I must do. The best way for me to find myself as a person is to prove to myself that I am an actress.
  • I used to get the feeling, and sometimes I still get it, that I was fooling somebody – I don’t know who or what – maybe myself. I have feelings some days where there are scenes with a lot of responsibility, and I’ll wish, ‘Gee, if only I had been a cleaning woman.’
  • I’m a failure as a woman. My men expect so much of me, because of the image they’ve made of me- and that I’ve made of myself- as a sex symbol. They expect bells to ring and whistles to whistle, but my anatomy is the same as any other woman’s and I can’t live up to it.
  • As of today, I have absolutely no regrets. I think I am a mature person who can take things in stride. I’m grateful for people in my past. They helped me get to where I am, wherever that is. But now, I am thinking for myself and sitting in on all the business transactions.
  • I had to use my wits or else I’d have been sunk – and nothings going to sink me. Everyone was always pulling at me, tugging at me, as if they wanted a piece of me. It was always, ‘do this, do that,’ and not just on the job but off, too. God, I’ve tried to stay intact, whole.
  • But chiefly, no lies! No lies about there being a Santa Claus or about the world being full of noble and honorable people all eager to help each other and do good to each other. I’ll tell her there are honor and goodness in the world, the same as there are diamonds and radium.
  • All my stepchildren carried the burden of my fame. Sometimes they would read terrible things about me, and I’d worry about whether it would hurt them. I would tell them: ‘Don’t hide these things from me. I’d rather you ask me these things straight out, and I’ll answer all your questions.’
  • Fame to me certainly is only a temporary and a partial happiness … fame is not really for a daily diet, that’s not what fulfills you. It warms you a bit but the warming is temporary. It’s like caviar, you know – it’s good to have caviar but not when you have to have it every meal and every day.
  • There is a need for aloneness, which I don’t think most people realise for an actor. It’s almost having certain kinds of secrets for yourself that you’ll let the whole world in on only for a moment, when you’re acting. But everybody is always tugging at you. They’d all like sort of a chunk of you.
  • I believe that everything happens for a reason. People change so that you can learn to let go, things go wrong so that you appreciate them when they’re right, you believe lies so you eventually learn to trust no one but yourself, and sometimes good things fall apart so better things can fall together.
  • I remember when I was in high school I didn’t have a new dress for each special occasion. The girls would bring the fact to my attention, not always too delicately. The boys, however, never bothered with the subject. They were my friends, not because of the size of my wardrobe but because they liked me.
  • In Hollywood a girl’s virtue is much less important than her hairdo. You’re judged by how you look, not by what you are. Hollywood’s a place where they’ll pay you a thousand dollars for kiss, and fifty cents for your soul. I know, because I turned down the first offer often enough and held out for the fifty.
  • Some of my foster families used to send me to the movies to get me out of the house and there I’d sit all day and way into the night. Up in front, there with the screen so big, a little kid all alone, and I loved it. I loved anything that moved up there and I didn’t miss anything that happened and there was no popcorn either.
  • Just because you fail once, doesn’t mean you’re gonna fail at everything. Keep trying, hold on, and always, always, always believe in yourself, because if you don’t, then who will, sweetie? So keep your head high, keep your chin up, and most importantly, keep smiling, because life’s a beautiful thing and there’s so much to smile about.
  • I didn’t pay much attention to the whistles and whoops, in fact, I didn’t quite hear them. I was full of a strange feeling, as if I were two people. One of them was Norma Jeane from the orphanage who belonged to nobody; the other was someone whose name I didn’t know. But I knew where she belonged; she belonged to the ocean and the sky and the whole world.
  • Sometimes I think I was more in control of my life years and years ago, and yet one should make progress; one should learn more every year and become…well, if not happier, then calmer and more able to handle your problems. But I’m not. Sometimes I just seem to make more problems for myself. I do. It makes me feel I haven’t grown up as much as I should have by now.
  • Couldn’t we end this interview with what I really want to say? That what the world really needs is a real feeling of kinship — everybody: stars, laborers, Negroes, Jews, Arabs. We are all brothers. If we could end this article saying just that, we’d get down to what we should all be talking about. Please don’t make me a joke. End the interview with what I believe.
  • This life is what you make it. No matter what, you’re going to mess up sometimes, it’s a universal truth. But the good part is you get to decide how you’re going to mess it up. Girls will be your friends – they’ll act like it anyway. But just remember, some come, some go. The ones that stay with you through everything – they’re your true best friends. Don’t let go of them.
  • Beneath the makeup & behind the smile I’m just the girl who wishes for the world. A wise girl kisses, but doesn’t love. Listens but dosen’t believe. And leaves before she is left. If you can make a girl laugh – you can make her do anything. It’s often just enough to be with someone. I don’t need to touch them. Not even talk. A feeling passes between you both. You’re not alone.
  • My travels have always been of the same kind. No matter where I’ve gone or why I’ve gone there it ends up that I never see anything. Becoming a movie star is living on a merry-go-round. When you travel you take the merry-go-round with you. You don’t see natives or new scenery. You see chiefly the same press agents, the same sort of interviewers, and the same picture layouts of yourself.
  • Acting became important. It became an art that belonged to the actor, not to the director or producer, or the man whose money had bought the studio. It was an art that transformed you into somebody else, that increased your life and mind. I had always loved acting and tried hard to learn it. But with Michael Chekhov, acting became more than a profession to me. It became a sort of religion.
  • It might be a kind of relief to be finished. You have to start all over again. But I believe you’re always as good as your potential. I now live in my work and in a few relationships with the few people I can really count on. Fame will go by, and, so long, I’ve had you fame. If it goes by, I’ve always known it was fickle. So at least it’s something I experienced, but that’s not where I live.
  • Friendship is the bestiest thing that comes to life . Friends will always be there for you don’t worry about the fakes worry about the people who had your back from the start and never treated you wrong always remember they are your real friends don’t never take them as granted because one day your going to lose a good friend by the way your action’s are when you see a good friend stick to that person .
  • Joe: You don’t want me, Sugar. I’m a liar and a phony. A saxophone player. One of those no-goodniks you keep running away from. Sugar: I know, every time. Joe: Sugar, do yourself a favor. Go back to where the millionaires are, the sweet end of the lollipop, not the cole slaw in the face, the old socks and the squeezed-out tube of toothpaste. Sugar: That’s right. Pour it on. Talk me out of it. (She grabs him to kiss him.)
  • Hollywood parties not only confuse me, but they often disillusion me. The disillusion comes when I meet a movie star I’ve been admiring since childhood. I always thought that movie stars were exciting and talented people full of special personality. Meeting one of them at a party I discover usually that he (or she) is colorless and even frightened. I’ve often stood silent at a party for hours listening to my movie idols turn into dull and little people.
  • This industry should behave like a mother whose child has just run out in front of a car. But instead of clasping the child to them, they start punishing the child. Like you don’t dare get a cold. How dare you get a cold! I mean, the executives can get colds and stay home forever and phone it in, but how dare you, the actor, get a cold or a virus. You know, no one feels worse than the one who’s sick. I sometimes wish, gee, I wish they had to act a comedy with a temperature and a virus infection.
  • Everyone’s childhood plays itself out. No wonder no one knows the other or can completely understand. By this I don’t know if I’m just giving up with this conclusion or resigning myself — or maybe for the first time connecting with reality. How do we know the pain or another’s earlier years, let alone all that he drags with him since along the way at best a lot of leeway is needed for the other — yet how much is unhealthy for one to bear. I think to love bravely is the best and accept — as much as one can bear.
  • Frankly, I’ve never considered my own figure so exceptional; until quite recently, I seldom gave it any thought at all. My biggest single concern used to be getting enough to eat. Now I have to worry about eating too much. I never used to bother with exercises. Now I spend at least 10 minutes each morning working out with small weights. I have evolved my own exercises, for the muscles I wish to keep firm, and I know they are right for me because I can feel them putting the proper muscles into play as I exercise.
  • A woman is often measured by the things she cannot control. She is measured by the way her body curves or doesn’t curve, by where she is flat or straight or round. She is measured by 36-24-36 and inches and ages and numbers, by all the outside things that don’t ever add up to who she is on the inside. And so if a woman is to be measured, let her be measured by the things she can control, by who she is and who she is trying to become. Because as every woman knows, measurements are only statistics… and STATISTICS LIE.
  • I remember when I got the part in Gentlemen Prefer Blondes. Jane Russell – she was the brunette in it and I was the blonde. She got $200,000 for it, and I got my $500 a week, but that to me was, you know, considerable. She, by the way, was quite wonderful to me. The only thing was I couldn’t get a dressing room. Finally, I really got to this kind of level and I said, “Look, after all, I am the blonde, and it is Gentlemen Prefer Blondes!” Because still they always kept saying, “Remember, you’re not a star.” I said, “Well, whatever I am, I am the blonde!
  • When you have a good friend that really cares for you and tries to stick in there with you, you treat them like nothing. Learn to be a good friend because one day you’re gonna look up and say I lost a good friend. Learn how to be respectful to your friends, don’t just start arguments with them and don’t tell them the reason, always remember your friends will be there quicker than your family. Learn to remember you got great friends, don’t forget that and they will always care for you no matter what. Always remember to smile and look up at what you got in life.

 

 

Charlie Chaplan (quotes)

  • Greed has poisoned men’s souls.
  • There is greatness in everyone.
  • Let us fight to free the world!
  • In the end, everything is a gag.
  • I am for people. I can’t help it.
  • What a sad business is being funny!
  • Remember You, Remembers You, Stoops
  • I’m an old sinner. Nothing shocks me.
  • Why should poetry have to make sense?
  • We think too much and feel too little.
  • Simplicity of approach is always best.
  • More than machinery, we need humanity.
  • Why not? After all, it belongs to him.
  • A day without laughter is a day wasted.
  • Life salutes u when u make others happy
  • The heart and the mind, what an enigma.
  • Imagination means nothing without doing.
  • If you smile through your pain and sorrow
  • The glamour of it all! New York! America!
  • Simplicity is a difficult thing to achieve.
  • except for my cup of coffee in the morning.
  • Nothing quite like it. The feeling of film.
  • From such trivia, I believe my soul was born.
  • One murder makes a villain; millions, a hero.
  • As long as men die, liberty will never parish.
  • When there are clouds in the sky, you’ll get by
  • In this desperate way, I started many a comedy.
  • You’ll see the sun come shining through for you.
  • I am at peace with God. My conflict is with Man.
  • Nothing is more important than the moving image;
  • I hate the sight of blood, but it’s in my veins.
  • A man’s true character comes out when he’s drunk.
  • What can stars do? Nothing..But sit on their axis!
  • We might as well die as to go on living like this.
  • You have to believe in yourself. That’s the secret.
  • Tomorrow, the birds will sing. Be brave. Face life.
  • My lips never know my problem they just always smile
  • Remember, you can always stoop and pick up nothing.
  • The Great Dictator. www.imdb.com. October 15, 1940.
  • You’ll never find rainbows, If you’re looking down…
  • Only the unloved hate; the unloved and the unnatural.
  • Soldiers, in the name of democracy, let us all unite!
  • More than cleverness, we need kindness and gentleness.
  • I will not join any club who will take me as a member.
  • Nothing in life is permanent, not even one’s troubles.
  • I like friends as I like music – when I am in the mood.
  • In the light of our egos, we are all dethroned monarchs
  • By simple common sense I don’t believe in God, in none.
  • Life could be wonderful if people would leave you alone
  • Dictators free themselves, but they enslave the people!
  • Life could be wonderful if people would leave you alone.
  • I like to walk in rain, so that nobody can see my tears.
  • I don’t need interesting camera angles, I am interesting.
  • Brunettes are troublemakers. They’re worse than the Jews.
  • The saddest thing I can imagine is to get used to luxury.
  • Laughter is the tonic, the relief, the surcease for pain.
  • You are only as good as the woman you are standing beside.
  • I can’t understand Karl Marx, so how can I be a Communist?
  • Unless I write every day, I don’t feel I deserve my dinner.
  • Despair is a narcotic. It lulls the mind into indifference.
  • Life is a beautiful, magnificent thing, even to a jellyfish.
  • My prodigious sin was, and still is, being a non-conformist.
  • That’s the trouble with the world. We all despise ourselves.
  • You’ll find that life is still worthwhile, if you just smile.
  • Time is the best author. It always writes the perfect ending.
  • Words are cheap. The biggest thing you can say is “elephant”.
  • I always like walking in the rain, so no one can see me crying.
  • The mirror is my best friend because when I cry it never laughs.
  • What do you want a meaning for? Life is a desire, not a meaning.
  • Have them all shot. I don’t want any of my workers dissatisfied.
  • I’d sooner be called a successful crook than a destitute monarch.
  • Nothing is permanent in this wicked world – not even our troubles.
  • Anyone can make them cry, but it takes a genius to make them laugh.
  • Ability to think, like the violin or piano, requires daily practice
  • This is a ruthless world and one must be ruthless to cope with it.
  • If anybody else says it’s like old times, I’ll jump out the window.
  • If you’re really truthful with yourself, it’s a wonderful guidance.
  • It isn’t the ups and downs that make life difficult; it’s the jerks.
  • Failure is unimportant. It takes courage to make a fool of yourself.
  • To truly laugh, you must be able to take your pain, and play with it!
  • All I need to make a comedy is a park, a policeman and a pretty girl.
  • 3 is a prime, 5 is a prime, 7 is a prime, 9 is the next prime after 8.
  • Movies are a fad. Audiences really want to see live actors on a stage.
  • Moving pictures need sound as much as Beethoven symphonies need lyrics.
  • The basic essential of a great actor is that he loves himself in acting.
  • Actors search for rejection. If they don’t get it they reject themselves.
  • I have found that great ideas come when you have a great desire to have them.
  • I don’t want to create a revolution – I just want to create a few more films.
  • Judge a man not by how he treats his equals but by how he treats his inferiors.
  • I believe in the power of laughter and tears as an antidote to hatred and terror
  • That’s what all we are: amateurs. We don’t live long enough to be anything else.
  • I am known in parts of the world by people who have never heard of Jesus Christ.
  • I have Many Problems in My Life. But my leaps don`t know that. They always smile
  • My character of the Tramp, the millions of workers symbolized in that one figure.
  • Your naked body should only belong to those who fall in love with your naked soul.
  • Your Pain May Give Laugh To Somebody But Your Laugh Shouldn’t Give Pain To Anybody
  • To help a friend in need is easy, but to give him your time is not always opportune.
  • Quebec from the boat looked like the ramparts where Hamlet’s ghost might have walked.
  • I suppose that’s one of the ironies of life doing the wrong thing at the right moment.
  • There are more valid facts and details in works of art than there are in history books.
  • Life is laughter when seen in a long shot, but it is a tragedy when seen in a close-up.
  • We must laugh in the face of our helplessness against the forces of nature, or go insane.
  • I am not religious in the dogmatic sense… I neither believe nor disbelieve in anything.
  • Words seem so futile, so feeble. You are all such lovely, beautiful people … thank you.
  • The kingdom of God is within man, not one man nor a group of men, but in all men! In you!
  • I have no further use for America. I wouldn’t go back there if Jesus Christ was President.
  • I do not have much patience with a thing of beauty that must be explained to be understood.
  • Dictators free themselves by enslaving others. They work not for your benefit, but their own.
  • Perfect love is the most beautiful of all frustrations because it is more than one can express.
  • I’ve arrived at the age where a platonic friendship can be sustained on the highest moral plane.
  • They cheer me because they all understand me, and they cheer you because no one understands you.
  • Don’t be afraid of the unknown because, even when they wander into chaos, planets are born stars!
  • A tramp, a gentleman, a poet, a dreamer, a lonely fellow, always hopeful of romance and adventure.
  • Think about yourself at least once in your life otherwise you may miss the best comedy in this world.
  • Through humour, we see in what seems rational, the irrational; in what seems important, the unimportant
  • I do not need drugs to be a genius, do not take a genius to be human, but I need your smile to be happy.
  • My pain may be the reason for somebody’s laugh. But my laugh must never be the reason for somebody’s pain.
  • You need Power, only when you want to do something harmful otherwise Love is enough to get everything done.
  • You the people have the power to make this life free and beautiful, to make this life a wonderful adventure.
  • So when I cease to be I want to go back…to the sea! Oh for the life of a sardine! That is the life for me!
  • Life can be wonderful if you’re not afraid of it. All it takes is courage, imagination … and a little dough
  • I don’t believe that the public knows what it wants; this is the conclusion that I have drawn from my career.
  • I’m sorry, but I don’t want to be an emperor. That’s not my business. I don’t want to rule or conquer anyone.
  • Greed has poisoned men’s souls, has barricaded the world with hate, has goose-stepped us into misery and bloodshed.
  • The people are applauding you because none of them understands you and applauding me because everybody understands me.
  • The building is a special place because of its architecture; But it’s people who make it special by participating in it.
  • I remain just one thing, and one thing only – and that is a clown. It places me on a far higher plane than any politician.
  • The cinema is little more than a fad. It’s canned drama. What audiences really want to see is flesh and blood on the stage.
  • As for politics, I’m an anarchist. I hate governments and rules and fetters. Can’t stand caged animals. People must be free.
  • Life laughs at you when you are unhappy; Life smiles at you when you are happy; But life salutes you when you make other happy.
  • Man as an individual is a genius. But men in the mass form the headless monster, a great, brutish idiot that goes where prodded.
  • My technique is the outcome of thinking for myself, of my own logic and approach; it is not borrowed from what others are doing.
  • We all want to help one another. Human beings are like that. We want to live by each other’s happiness – not by each other’s misery.
  • Sound has spoiled the most ancient of the world’s arts, the art of pantomime, and has canceled out the great beauty that is silence.
  • The very nature of these inventions cries out for the goodness in men; cries out for universal brotherhood; for the unity of us all.
  • My prodigious sin was, and still is, being a non-conformist. Although I am not a Communist I refused to fall in line by hating them.
  • The saddest thing I can imagine is to get used to luxury. [and therefore not appreciate it fully or be grateful for it every moment.]
  • Let us fight for a new world, a decent world that will give men a chance to work, that will give youth a future and old age a security.
  • I went into the business for the money, and the art grew out of it. If people are disillusioned by that remark, I can’t help it. It’s the truth.
  • Beauty is an omnipresence of death and loveliness, a smiling sadness that we discern in nature and all things, a mystic communion that the poet feels.
  • Life is a play that does not allow testing. So, sing, cry, dance, laugh and live intensely, before the curtain closes and the piece ends with no applause.
  • This is a story of a period between two World Wars – an interim in which Insanity cut loose. Liberty took a nose dive, and Humanity was kicked around somewhat.
  • I hope we shall abolish war and settle all differences at the conference table I hope we shall abolish all hydrogen and atom bombs before they abolish us first.
  • The hate of men will pass, and dictators die, and the power they took from the people will return to the people and so long as men die, liberty will never perish.
  • To those who can hear me, I say, do not despair. The misery that is now upon us is but the passing of greed, the bitterness of men who fear the way of human progress.
  • In this world there is room for everyone, and the good earth is rich and can provide for everyone. The way of life can be free and beautiful, but we have lost the way.
  • As I began to love myself I stopped craving for a different life, and I could see that everything that surrounded me was inviting me to grow. Today I call it ‘maturity’.
  • I thought I would dress in baggy pants, big shoes, a cane and a derby hat. everything a contradiction: the pants baggy, the coat tight, the hat small and the shoes large.
  • All my pictures are built around the idea of getting in trouble and so giving me the chance to be desperately serious in my attempt to appear as a normal little gentleman.
  • Had I known of the actual horrors of the German concentration camps, I could not have made The Great Dictator, I could not have made fun of the homicidal insanity of the Nazis.
  • Man is an animal with primary instincts of survival. Consequently his ingenuity has developed first and his soul afterwards. The progress of science is far ahead of man’s ethical behavior.
  • In this book I do not intend to give a blow-by-blow description of a sex bout: I find them inartistic, clinical and unpoetic. The circumstances that lead up to sex I find more interesting.
  • The rights of citizenship will be taken away from all Jews and other non-Aryans. They are inferior and therefore enemies of the state. It is the duty of all true Aryans to hate and despise them.
  • When we got off the streetcar at Times Square, it was somewhat of a letdown. Newspapers were blowing about the road and pavement, and Broadway looked seedy, like a slovenly woman just out of bed.
  • I do not wish to lose my temper because very shortly I will lose my head. Nevertheless, upon leaving this spark of earthly existence, I have this to say: I shall see you all very soon … very soon.
  • Over the years I have discovered that ideas come through an intense desire for them; continually desiring, the mind becomes a watchtower on the lookout for incidents that may excite the imagination.
  • We think too much and feel too little. More than machinery, we need humanity. More than cleverness, we need kindness and gentleness. Without these qualities, life will be violent and all will be lost.
  • I had no idea of the character. But the moment I was dressed, the clothes and the make-up made me feel the person he was. I began to know him, and by the time I walked onto the stage he was fully born.
  • I am what I am: an individual, unique and different, with a lineal history of ancestral promptings and urgings, a history of dreams, desires, and of special experiences, all of which I am the sum total.
  • That is why, no matter how desperate the predicament is, I am always very much in earnest about clutching my cane, straightening my derby hat and fixing my tie, even though I have just landed on my head.
  • Hair is vitally personal to children. They weep vigorously when it is cut for the first time; no matter how it grows, bushy, straight or curly, they feel they are being shorn of a part of their personality.
  • As I began to love myself I recognized that my mind can disturb me and it can make me sick. But as I connected it to my heart, my mind became a valuable ally. Today I call this connection “WISDOM OF THE HEART”.
  • I don’t think the real America is in New York or on the Pacific Coast; personally, I like the Middle West much better, places like North and South Dakota, Minneapolis and Saint Paul. There, I think, are the true Americans
  • Let us fight to free the world! To do away with national barriers! To do away with greed, with hate and intolerance! Let us fight for a world of reason, a world where science and progress will lead to all men’s happiness.
  • I do not have much patience with a thing of beauty that must be explained to be understood. If it does need additional interpretation by someone other than the creator, then I question whether it has fulfilled its purpose.
  • Where words leave off, gesture begins. Don’t we speak of a person being speechless with rage, dancing with impatience, setting his teeth? The final motions of the soul are speechless, animal, grotesque, or of an incomparable beauty.
  • In the creation of comedy, it is paradoxical that tragedy stimulates the spirit of ridicule; because ridicule, I suppose is an attitude of defiance: we must laugh in the face of our helplessness against the forces of nature – or go insane
  • In Philadelphia, I inadvertently came upon an edition of Robert Ingersoll’s Essays and Lectures. This was an exciting discovery; his atheism confirmed my own belief that the horrific cruelty of the Old Testament was degrading to the human spirit.
  • Don’t fight for slavery! Fight for liberty! […] You, the people, have the power, the power to create machines, the power to create happiness! You, the people, have the power to make this life free and beautiful, to make this life a wonderful adventure.
  • It seems to me that my mother was the most splendid woman I ever knew… I have met a lot of people knocking around the world since, but I have never met a more thoroughly refined woman than my mother. If I have amounted to anything, it will be due to her.
  • As I began to love myself I freed myself of anything that is no good for my health – food, people, things, situations, and everything that drew me down and away from myself. At first I called this attitude a healthy egoism. Today I know it is Love of Oneself.
  • Even when I was in the orphanage, when I was roaming the street trying to find enough to eat, even then I thought of myself as the greatest actor in the world. I had to feel the exuberance that comes from utter confidence in yourself. Without it, you go down to defeat.
  • In the work of the greatest geniuses, humble beginnings will reveal themselves somewhere, but one cannot trace the slightest sign of them in Shakespeare … I am not concerned with who wrote the works of Shakespeare … but I can hardly think it was the Stratford boy. Whoever wrote them had an aristocratic attitude.
  • I am not a political man and I have no political convictions. I am an individual and a believer in liberty. That is all the politics I have. On the other hand I am not a super-patriot. Super-patriotism leads to Hitlerism – and we’ve had our lesson there. I don’t want to create a revolution – I just want to create a few more films.
  • The best thing in life is to go ahead with all your plans and your dreams, to embrace life and to live everyday with passion, to lose and still keep the faith and to win while being grateful. All of this because the world belongs to those who dare to go after what they want. And because life is really too short to be insignificant.
  • I should like to help everyone if possible; Jew, Gentile, black man, white. We all want to help one another. Human beings are like that. We want to live by each other’s happiness, not by each other’s misery. We don’t want to hate and despise one another. In this world there is room for everyone, and the good earth is rich and can provide for everyone. The way of life can be free and beautiful.
  • Life is a beautiful, magnificent thing, even to a jellyfish… The trouble is you won’t fight. You’ve given in, continually dwelling on sickness and death. But there’s something just as inevitable as death, and that’s life. Life, life, life. Think of all the power that’s in the universe, moving the earth, growing the trees. That’s the same power within you if you only have courage and the will to use it.
  • Friends have asked how I came to engender this American antagonism. My prodigious sin was, and still is, being a non-conformist. Although I am not a Communist I refused to fall in line by hating them. Secondly, I was opposed to the Committee on Un-American Activities – a dishonest phrase to begin with, elastic enough to wrap around the throat and strangle the voice of any American citizen whose honest opinion is a minority of one.
  • During my incarceration Mother visited me. She had in some way managed to leave the workhouse and was making an effort to establish a home for us. Her presence was like a bouquet of flowers; she looked so fresh and lovely that I felt ashamed of my unkempt appearance and my shaved iodined head.’You must excuse his dirty face,’ said the nurse.Mother laughed, and how well I remember her endearing words as she hugged and kissed me: ‘With all thy dirt I love thee still.
  • The way of life can be free and beautiful, but we have lost the way. Greed has poisoned men’s souls, has barricaded the world with hate, has goose-stepped us into misery and bloodshed. We have developed speed, but we have shut ourselves in. Machinery that gives abundance has left us in want. Our knowledge has made us cynical; our cleverness, hard and unkind. We think too much and feel too little. More than machinery, we need humanity. More than cleverness, we need kindness and gentleness. Without these qualities, life will be violent and all will be lost.
  • In the seventeenth chapter of St. Luke, it is written that the kingdom of God is within man, not one man nor a group of men, but in all men! In you! You, the people, have the power, the power to create machines, the power to create happiness! You, the people, have the power to make this life free and beautiful, to make this life a wonderful adventure… Let us fight to free the world! To do away with national barriers! To do away with greed, with hate and intolerance! Let us fight for a world of reason, a world where science and progress will lead to all mens happiness.

 

Bette Davis (quotes)

  • Success only breeds a new goal.
  • I’ve lost my faith in science.
  • Pray to God and say the lines.
  • Getting old is not for sissies.
  • Old age is no place for sissies.
  • I will never be below the title.
  • Strong women only marry weak men.
  • Your luck is how you treat people.
  • Sex is God’s joke on human beings.
  • I’ve been lucky. I’ll be lucky again.
  • To look back is to relax one’s vigil.
  • I believe one should be a woman at home.
  • There’s only one way to work — like hell.
  • Everybody has a heart. Except some people.
  • If everybody likes you, you’re pretty dull.
  • I’m the nicest goddamn dame that ever lived.
  • It is my last wish to be burried sitting up.
  • Life is the past, the present and the perhaps.
  • I’d luv to kiss ya, but I just washed my hair.
  • Joan Crawford is a movie star. I am an actress.
  • She’s the original good time who was had by all.
  • I guess I’m larger than life. That’s my problem.
  • I was the female Marlon Brando of my generation.
  • If everyone likes you, you’re not doing it right.
  • Technicolor makes me look like death warmed over.
  • Home is where you go to when you’ve nowhere to go.
  • I survived because I was tougher than anybody else.
  • You’ve got to know someone pretty well to hate them.
  • I want to die with my high heels on, still in action.
  • Attempt the impossible in order to improve your work.
  • I have always felt proud of my Oscars and my numerous
  • I wouldn’t piss on Joan Crawford if she were on fire.
  • I think I’ll have a large order of prognosis negative.
  • I hope each winner of an Oscar is as thrilled as
  • The only way you can become a legend is in your coffin.
  • With the newspaper strike on, I wouldn’t consider dying.
  • In this rat-race everybody’s guilty till proved innocent!
  • There is a certain ecstasy in wanting things you can’t get.
  • One can make more enemies as a female with a brain, I think.
  • Dramatic art in her opinion is knowing how to fill a sweater.
  • If everybody likes you, you are not a very interesting person.
  • Oh, don’t let’s ask for the moon. We’ve already got the stars.
  • The male ego with few exceptions is elephantine to start with.
  • I went back to work because someone had to pay for the groceries.
  • I will not retire while I’ve still got my legs and my make-up box.
  • Hollywood always wanted me to be pretty, but I fought for realism.
  • If you want a thing done well, get a couple of old broads to do it.
  • Pleasure of love lasts but a moment, Pain of love lasts a lifetime.
  • Farewell Falwell by Tim Footman, www.theguardian.com. May 16, 2007.
  • There may be a heaven, but if Joan Crawford is there, I’m not going.
  • The secret of marriage is: separate bedrooms and separate bathrooms.
  • We movie stars all end up by ourselves. Who knows? Maybe we want to.
  • I was thought to be “stuck up.” I wasn’t. i was just sure of myself.
  • In this business, until you’re known as a monster you’re not a star.
  • If you’ve never been hated by your child, you’ve never been a parent.
  • I am a woman meant for a man, but I never found a man who could compete.
  • Fictional character: Kit Marlowe. “Old Acquaintance”, www.imdb.com. 1943.
  • If men found out how to give birth to children they’ll never propose again.
  • You know what I’m going to have on my gravestone? ‘She did it the hard way.’
  • Never, never trust anyone who asks for white wine. It means they’re phonies.
  • You mustn’t miss the moment. There’s only one first sailing into Rio harbor.
  • I never did pal around with actresses. Their talk usually bored me to tears.
  • I don’t take the movies seriously, and anyone who does is in for a headache.
  • I think it’s just too much trouble to be dishonest and keep up with yourself.
  • Gay Liberation? I ain’t against it, it’s just that there’s nothing in it for me.
  • I think men have got to change an awful lot. They still prefer the little woman.
  • There was more good acting at Hollywood parties than ever appeared on the screen.
  • Without wonder and insight, acting is just a trade. With it, it becomes creation.
  • The key to life is accepting challenges. Once someone stops doing this, he’s dead.
  • Success is built on disappointment, and disappointment is inherent in all success.
  • The real actor – like any real artistj- has a direct line to the collective heart.
  • 1966 On her favourite character roles. In the NewYork State Theater programme, Jun.
  • If Hollywood didn’t work out, I was prepared to be the best secretary in the world.
  • The only reason anyone goes to Broadway is because they can’t get work in the movies.
  • Brought up to respect the conventions, love had to end in marriage. I’m afraid it did.
  • A sure way to lose happiness, I found, is to want it at the expense of everything else.
  • The real female should be partly male and the real male should be partly female anyway.
  • Almost as many inhumanities are committed in the name of love as in the name of religion.
  • It’s a rare man who can stand being around an intelligent woman, let alone married to her.
  • Evil people you never forget them. And that’s the aim of any actress-never to be forgotten.
  • Fasten your seat belts, it’s going to be a bumpy night! – As Margo Channing in All About Eve
  • You will never be happier than you expect. To change your happiness, change your expectation.
  • You should know me well enough by now to know I don’t ask for things I don’t think I can get.
  • I would take a bad script and a good director any day against a good script and a bad director.
  • I have often seen an actor laugh off the stage, but I don’t remember ever having seen one weep.
  • There comes a time in every woman’s life when the only thing that helps is a glass of champagne.
  • One begins to realize that one is getting old when the birthday candles weigh more than the cake.
  • I don’t think of myself as a character actress – that’s become a phrase which means you’ve had it.
  • I didn’t forget your breakfast. I didn’t bring your breakfast. Because you didn’t eat your din-din.
  • I firmly believe, however, that if your children have never hated you, you have failed as a parent.
  • I never said anything that was unprintable. Never said anything just for the sake of being startling.
  • Acting should be bigger than life. Scripts should be bigger than life. It should all be bigger than life.
  • You should never say bad things about the dead, you should only say good . . . Joan Crawford is dead. Good.
  • I don’t think in business it matters whether you’re a man or a woman if you can do your job and have a brain.
  • You know what nostalgia is, don’t you? It’s basically a matter of recalling the fun without reliving the pain.
  • An affair now and then is good for a marriage. It adds spice, stops it from getting boring… I ought to know.
  • Good actors I’ve worked with all started out making faces in a mirror, and you keep making faces all your life.
  • I sent my flowers across the hall to Mrs Nixon but her husband remembered what a Democrat I am and sent them back.
  • The best time I ever had with Joan Crawford was when I pushed her down the stairs in Whatever Happened to Baby Jane?
  • People often become actresses because of something they dislike about themselves: They pretend they are someone else.
  • Temperament is something that is an integral part of the artist. Not temper, temperament. There is a vast difference.
  • From the moment I was six I felt sexy. And let me tell you it was hell, sheer hell, waiting to do something about it.
  • Today everyone is a star – they’re all billed as ‘starring’ or ‘also starring’. In my day, we earned that recognition.
  • The act of sex, gratifying as it may be, is God’s joke on humanity. It is man’s last desperate stand at superintendency.
  • Wave after wave of love flooded the stage and washed over me, the beginning of the one great durable romance of my life.
  • I may not have been wearing a mink coat, but I was traveling with a dog. That should have made you think I was an actress!
  • One can be respected with the truth in Hollywood just as much as anywhere else you know or else I wouldn’t have had a career.
  • I do not regret one professional enemy I have made. Any actor who doesn’t dare to make an enemy should get out of the business.
  • I have eyes like a bullfrog, a neck like an ostrich and long, limp hair. You just have to be good to survive with that equipment.
  • I often think that a slightly exposed shoulder emerging from a long satin nightgown packs more sex than two naked bodies in bed.
  • What a fool I was to come to Hollywood where they only understand platinum blondes and where legs are more important than talent.
  • Being called very, very difficult is the beginning of success. Until you’re called very, very difficult you’re really nobody at all.
  • May each of my grandsons know, at an early age, what his life’s ambition is — and may he be successful in his pursuit of that goal.
  • My passions were all gathered together like fingers that made a fist. Drive is considered aggression today; I knew it then as purpose.
  • I was thought to be ‘stuck up.’ I wasn’t. I was just sure of myself. This is and always has been an unforgivable quality to the unsure.
  • Men become much more attractive when they start looking older. But it doesn’t do much for women, though we do have an advantage: make-up.
  • I’d marry again if I found a man who had fifteen million dollars, would sign over half to me, and guarantee that he’d be dead within a year.
  • I have been uncompromising, peppery, intractable, monomaniacal, tactless, volatile, and oftentimes disagreeable… I suppose I’m larger than life.
  • It has been my experience that one cannot, in any shape or form, depend on human relations for lasting reward. It is only work that truly satisfies.
  • Basically, I believe the world is a jungle, and if it’s not a bit of a jungle in the home, a child cannot possibly be fit to enter the outside world.
  • To fulfill a dream, to be allowed to sweat over lonely labor, to be given a chance to create, is the meat and potatoes of life. The money is the gravy.
  • I was never very interested in boys – and there were plenty of them – vying with one another to see how many famous women they would get into the hay.
  • Locations are all tough, all miserable. I never left the sound stage for 18 years at Warners. We never went outside the studio, not even for big scenes.
  • It’s better to be hated for who you are, than to be loved for someone you’re not. It’s a sign of your worth sometimes, if you’re hated by the right people.
  • Women are the essential part of the theater but the writers are not writing about women. I think they’re too perplexed about the whole female situation probably.
  • I am doomed to an eternity of compulsive work. No set goal achieved satisfies. Success only breeds a new goal. The golden apple devoured has seeds. It is endless.
  • The out-of-work actor wears out more than shoe leather. The very sensibilities that make him an artist are shattered by the disregard he is shown as a human being.
  • Among the reasons marriages fail, sex ranks no higher than fourth, behind money, having only one bathroom, and an inability to communicate, reasons one, two and three.
  • I have been at war from the beginning. I’ve never looked back before. I’ve never had the time and it has always seemed so dangerous. To look back is to relax one’s vigil.
  • The world’s all full of thoughts about wars and space, and tragedies to the world. That’s what writers are thinking about because that’s what the world is thinking about.
  • Some young Hollywood starlets remind me of my grandmother’s old farmhouse — all painted up nice on the front side, a big swing on the backside, and nothing whatsoever in the attic.
  • It’s true we don’t know what we’ve got until its gone, but we don’t know what we’ve been missing until it arrives. Pleasure of love lasts but a moment, Pain of love lasts a lifetime.
  • It’s a very independent male creature that lives alone, and a lot of independent females who live alone. It’s all very sad but it’s much easier for both sexes to do it this way nowadays.
  • Actually, I think business women are better women at home, if you want to know the truth because you do understand what goes into a day’s work out in the world, a very nerve-racking affair.
  • [On gay men:] Let me say, a more artistic, appreciative group of people for the arts does not exist … They are more knowledgeable, more loving of the arts. They make the average male look stupid.
  • Almost went three times – almost. Then I decided what was peculiar about me was probably what made me successful. I’ve seen some very talented actors go into analysis and really lose it.
  • They say that in Hollywood one can’t be honest, but I think honesty counts in Hollywood just as much as it does anywhere else. I think it’s just too much trouble to be dishonest and keep up with yourself.
  • There are new words now that excuse everybody. Give me the good old days of heroes and villains, the people you can bravo or hiss. There was a truth to them that all the slick credulity of today cannot touch.
  • Playing our parts. Yes, we all have to do that and from childhood on, I have found that my own character has been much harder to play worthily and far harder at times to comprehend than any of the roles I have portrayed.
  • Once the love bug wears off, as it inevitably does, you are shocked to discover that you really didn’t know the object of your affections at all. We know this to be so, even as we repeat the same mistake over and over and over.
  • Mother of three; divorcee; American. Twenty years experience as an actress in motion pictures. Mobile still and more affable than rumour would have it. Wants steady employment in Hollywood. (Has had Broadway). References upon request.
  • As a female I think it’s a terrible hindrance in business. I think it’s a terrible hindrance for any female to have a lot of intelligence in private life, but I think in business sometimes it’s even worse because there’s deep resentment.
  • At 50, I thought proudly: Here we are, half century! Being 60 was fairly frightening. You want to know how I spent my 70th birthday? I put on a completely black face, a fuzzy black Afro wig, wore black clothes and hung a black wreath on my door.
  • I wanted to be the first to win three Oscars, but Miss Hepburn has done it. Actually it hasn’t been done. Miss Hepburn only won half an Oscar. If they’d given me half an Oscar I would have thrown it back in their faces. You see, I’m an Aries. I never lose.
  • Discipline is a symbol of caring to a child.He needs guidance.If there is love, there is no such thing as being too tough with a child. A parent must also not be afraid to hang himself. If you have never been hated by your child, you have never been a parent.
  • Don’t you hate people who drink white wine? I mean, my dear, every alcoholic in town is getting falling-down drunk on white wine. They think they aren’t drunks because they only drink wine. Never, never trust anyone who asks for white wine. It means they’re phonies.
  • People stood on their chairs, cheering and waving. And it was all for me! Waves of love flooded the stage and washed over me. I started to cry. The sweetness of such a moment is impossible to describe. One is both lover and beloved. … I’d found the one true, enduring romance of my life.
  • I was so uncomfortable at a party recently when the conversation droned on about women who are constantly getting married. I was on the edge of my chair, close to squirming in embarrassment because I myself was guilty of four husbands. I finally leaned forward and squeaked, ‘But one died!
  • Without discipline and detachment, an actor is an emotional slob, spilling his insides out. This abandonment is having an unfortunate vogue. It is tasteless, formless, absurd. Without containment there is no art. All this vomiting and wheezing and bursting at the seams is no more great acting than the convulsions of raving maniacs.