Religion (funny quotes)

What is religion?

  • Religion: A broad concept trapped in narrow minds   Parker Bowles
  • Religion: A great perhaps.  Francois Rabelais
  • Religion has convinced people that there’s an invisible man … living in the sky. Who watches everything you do every minute of every day. And the invisible man has a list of ten specific things he doesn’t want you to do. And if you do any of these things, he will send you to a special place, of burning and fire and smoke and torture and anguish for you to live forever, and suffer, and suffer, and burn, and scream, until the end of time. But he loves you. He loves you. He loves you and he needs money. George Carlin
  • Religion is basically guilt with different holidays. Cathy Ladman
  • Religion:  A daughter of Hope and Fear, explaining to Ignorance the nature of the Unknowable.  Ambrose Bierce
  • It’s given people hope in a world torn apart by religion.
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More definitions

  • Cult:  A religion with no political power.  Thomas Wolfe
  • Calendar: An attempt underwritten by the principal religions to make the heavenly bodies keep regular hours.
  • Infidel: In New York one who does not believe in the Christian religion; in Constantinople one who does. Ambrose Bierce
  • The difference between a saint and a hypocrite is that one lies for his religion the other by it. Minna Antrim
  • Rite: A religious or semi-religious ceremony fixed by law precept or custom with the essential oil of sincerity carefully squeezed out of it. Ambrose Bierce
  • Monastery: Consecration camp.
  • Nun: A creature of habit.
  • Archbishop: An ecclesiastical dignitary one point holier than a bishop.
  • Righteous indignation: Your own wrath as opposed to the shocking bad temper of others. Elbert Hubbard
  • Evangelist: A bearer of good tidings who gives us the good news and assures us of our own salvation and damnation of our neighbors. Ambrose Bierce
  • Unitarian: One who denies the divinity of a Trinitarian. Ambrose Bierce
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Christianity

  • He made us all one true religion Edith which he named after his son Christian – or Christ for short.   Archie Bunker
  • Christian: A man who feels repentance on a Sunday for what he did on Saturday and is going to do on Monday. Ambrose Bierce
  • Christian fundamentalism:  The doctrine that there is an absolutely powerful, infinitely knowledgeable, universe spanning entity that is deeply and personally concerned about my sex life.
  • Christian: One who believes that the New Testament is a divinely inspired book admirably suited to the spiritual needs of his neighbors. Ambrose Bierce
  • They always throw around this term ‘the liberal elite’ and I kept thinking to myself about the Christian right; what’s more elite than believing that only you will go to heaven? Jon Stewart
  • The missionaries go forth to Christianize the savages – as if the savages weren’t dangerous enough already.   Edward Abbey
  • The trouble with born-again Christians is that they are an even bigger pain the second time around. Herb Caen
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Catholicism

  • Catholics don’t get divorced; they stay together through anger and hatred and festering misery just like God intended. Lenny Clarke
  • I thank God I was raised Catholic so sex will always be dirty. John Waters
  • Catholicism is the most adhesive religion in the world; if you joined the Taliban you’d merely be regarded as a bad Catholic. Dara’–Briain
  • Basically the Catholic religion is ‘If it feels good – stop.’   Adam Ferrara
  • I guess the biggest issue my husband and I are going to have is how do we raise the baby because he’s Jewish and I’m Protestant and the baby’s father is Catholic. Bonnie McFarlane
  • It is now quite lawful for a Catholic woman to avoid pregnancy by a resort to mathematics though she is still forbidden to resort to physics or chemistry. L. Mencken
  • Photons have mass? I didn’t even know they were Catholic. Woody Allen
  • The Catholics have an interesting view of sex; it is disgusting amoral and filthy and you should save it for one you love. Paul Provenza
  • There were many reasons we broke up; there was a religious difference: I’m a Catholic and she’s the devil. Adam Ferrara
  • There’s only one difference between Catholics and Jews; Jews are born with guilt and Catholics have to go to school to learn it. Elayne Boosler
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Judaism

  • I was born into the Hebrew persuasion, but when I got older I converted to narcissism. Woody Allen
  • I was raised in the Jewish tradition taught never to marry a Gentile woman shave on Saturday and most especially never to shave a Gentile woman on Saturday. Woody Allen
  • I’m going to marry a Jewish woman because I like the idea of getting up Sunday morning and going to the deli. Michael J. Fox
  • My friend Phil was brought up Orthodox Jewish – he actually thought the New Testament was the paperback version of the Old Testament. Lizz Winstead
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Eastern religion

  • As a great Eastern religion says it’s all about striking a balance between the ping and the pong. Christina Applegate
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What religion?

  • I am determined that my children shall be brought up in their father’s religion if they can find out what it is. Charles Lamb
  • I definitely want Brooklyn [his daughter] to be Christened but I don’t know into what religion yet. David Beckham
  • Tracy: So what’s your religion Liz Lemon? Liz: I pretty much do whatever Oprah tells me to do. Tina Fey
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Religion and England

  • In England there are sixty different religions and only one sauce. Francis Caracciolo
  • What a pity it is that we have no amusements in England but vice and religion. Reverend Sydney Smith
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Prayer

  • Amen:  A special way of saying “over and out” to God.
  • Dear God, I pray for patience.  And I want if RIGHT NOW!  Oren Arnold
  • God has editing rights over our prayers. He will edit them, correct them, bring them in line with His will and then hand them back to us to be resubmitted.  Stephen Crotts
  • I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn’t work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.
  • If we could all hear one another’s prayers, God might be relieved of some of his burdens.   Ashleigh Brilliant
  • If you talk to God you are praying; if God talks to you you have schizophrenia. Thomas Szasz
  • My prayer to God is a very short one: ‘Oh Lord, make my enemies ridiculous;’ God has granted it. Voltaire
  • Pray pray very much; but beware of telling god what you want. French proverb
  • Prayer of the modern American: Dear God, I pray for patience. And I want it right now! 
  • Why is it that when we talk to God we’re said to be praying but when God talks to us we’re schizophrenic? Lily Tomlin
  • Amen: The only part of a prayer that everyone knows.
  • As long as there are tests there will be prayer in public schools.
  • At my house we pray AFTER we eat. Rodney Dangerfield
  • Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day; teach a man to fish and he will eat for a lifetime; give a man religion and he will die praying for a fish.
  • I often pray, though I’m not really sure Anyone’s listening; and I phrase it carefully, just in case He’s literary. Mignon McLaughlin
  • I ran up the door, opened the stairs, said my pajamas and put on my prayers – turned off my bed, tumbled into my light, and all because he kissed me good-night!
  • I’m normally not a praying man but if you’re up there please save me Superman. Homer Simpson
  • I’ve found that prayers work best when you have big players. Knute Rockne
  • In certain trying circumstances, urgent circumstances, desperate circumstances, profanity furnishes a relief denied even to prayer.   Mark Twain
  • It is best to read the weather forecast before we pray for rain. Mark Twain
  • More than any other time in history, mankind faces a cross-roads. One path leads to despair and utter hopelessness. The other, to total extinction. Let us pray we have the wisdom to choose correctly.   Woody Allen
  • Practical prayer is harder on the soles of your shoes than on the knees of your trousers. Austin O’Malley
  • Pray: To ask the laws of the universe to be annulled on behalf of a single petitioner confessedly unworthy. Ambrose Bierce
  • Prayer must never be answered: if it is, it ceases to be prayer and becomes correspondence.   Oscar Wilde
  • Sow your wild oats on Saturday night; on Sunday pray for crop failure. Proverb
  • The time to pray is not when we are in a tight spot but just as soon as we get out of it. Josh Billings
  • There are only two occasions when Americans respect privacy especially in presidents; those are prayer and fishing. Herbert Hoover
  • There are two things you can do with your head down – play golf and pray. ‘Chi Chi’ Rodriguez
  • We don’t pray after a game. That’s too late. Abe Lemons
  • When I get down on my knees, it is not to pray.  Madonna
  • When I was a kid, I used to pray every night for a new bicycle. Then I realised that the Lord doesn’t work that way so I stole one and asked Him to forgive me. Emo Philips
  • When the missionaries came to Africa they had the Bible and we had the land; they said… Let us pray.’ We closed our eyes and when we opened them we had the Bible and they had the land. Desmond Tutu
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God

  • Every day people are straying away from the Church and going back to God. Lenny Bruce
  • God – the John Doe of philosophy and religion. Elbert Hubbard
  • God didn’t create the world in seven days.  He pulled an all-nighter on the sixth.
  • God is a comedian playing to an audience too afraid to laugh.
  • I believe in God; I just don’t trust anyone who works for him.
  • I don’t know why it is that the religious never ascribe common sense to God. Somerset Maugham
  • I’ve never understood how God could expect his creatures to pick the one true religion by faith — it strikes me as a sloppy way to run a universe. Robert A. Heinlein
  • If God is watching us, the least we can do is be entertaining.
  • If only God would give me some clear sign! Like making a large deposit in my name in a Swiss bank.   Woody Allen
  • If we’re all God’s children, what’s so special about Jesus? Jimmy Carr
  • Most people wish to serve God – but only in an advisory capacity.
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The devil

  • A religion can no more afford to degrade its Devil than to degrade its God. Havelock Ellis
  • Don’t you know there ain’t no devil? There’s only God when He’s drunk. 
  • Satan: The scarecrow in the religious cornfield.
  • I am an agent of Satan, but my duties are largely ceremonial.
  • An apology for the devil: it must be remembered that we have heard only one side of the case; God has written all the books. Samuel Butler
  • And God said: ‘Let there be Satan so people don’t blame everything on Me; and let there be lawyers so people don’t blame everything on Satan.’ John Wing Jr.
  • Don’t you know there ain’t no devil, it’s just god when he’s drunk.  Tom Waits
  • God is in my head but the devil is in my pants. Jonathan Winters
  • God sends meat and the devil sends cooks. Thomas Deloney
  • I trust everyone.  I just don’t trust the devil inside them.  Troy Kennedy-Martin
  • May ye be in heaven an hour before the devil knows you’re dead. Epitaph
  • The theory seems to be that as long as a man is a failure he is one of God’s children but that as soon as he succeeds he is taken over by the Devil. H. L. Mencken
  • Tis no sin to cheat the devil. Daniel Defoe
  • To hear many religious people talk, one would think God created the torso, head, legs and arms, but the devil slapped on the genitals. Don Schrader
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Atheism

  • A dead atheist is someone who is all dressed up with no place to go.  James Duffecy
  • An atheist is a man who has no invisible means of support. Bishop Fulton Sheen
  • Atheism is a fervid belief in disbelief. Dr Laurence Peter
  • Atheism is a non-prophet organization. George Carlin
  • Atheist: A man who has no invisible means of support. John Buchan
  • I did not marry the first girl that I fell in love with, because there was a tremendous religious conflict, at the time. She was an atheist, and I was an agnostic. Woody Allen
  • I once wanted to become an atheist, but I gave up – they have no holidays.  Henny Youngman
  • I was just thinking, if it is really religion with these nudist colonies, they sure must turn atheists in the wintertime. Will Rogers
  • I’m a born-again atheist. Gore Vida
  • I’m an Atheist thank God.   Dave Allen
  • I’m still an atheist thank God. Luis Busuel
  • I’m an atheist and I thank God for it. George Bernard Shaw
  • Isn’t an agnostic just an atheist without balls? Stephen Colbert
  • Sometimes when I’m faced with an atheist, I am tempted to invite him to the greatest gourmet dinner that one could ever serve, and when we have finished eating that magnificent dinner, to ask him if he believes there’s a cook.  Ronald Reagan
  • The atheist religion don’t believe in the Bible. Archie Bunker
  • The only thing wrong with being an atheist is that there’s nobody to talk to during an orgasm.
  • To you I’m an atheist; to God, I’m the Loyal Opposition. Woody Allen
  • When I told the people of Northern Ireland that I was an atheist, a woman in the audience stood up and said, ‘Yes, but is it the God of the Catholics or the God of the Protestants in whom you don’t believe? Quentin Crisp
  • Be sure to lie to your kids about the benevolent, all-seeing Santa Claus. It will prepare them for an adulthood of believing in God. Scott Dikkers
  • I’ve begun worshipping the sun for a number of reasons. First of all, unlike some other gods I could mention, I can see the sun. It’s there for me every day. And the things it brings me are quite apparent all the time: heat, light, food, and a lovely day. There’s no mystery, no one asks for money, I don’t have to dress up, and there’s no boring pageantry. And interestingly enough, I have found that the prayers I offer to the sun and the prayers I formerly offered to “God” are all answered at about the same 50% rate. George Carlin
  • Most people have some sort of religion, at least they know which church they’re staying away from. John Erskine
  • Agnostics are just atheists without balls.  Stephen Colbert
  • An atheist is one who hopes the Lord will do nothing to disturb his disbelief. Franklin Jones
  • Gods like to see an atheist around – gives them something to aim at. Terry Pratchett
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Anti-religious

  • God save us from religion. David Eddings
  • Religion has convinced people that there’s an invisible man … living in the sky. Who watches everything you do every minute of every day. And the invisible man has a list of ten specific things he doesn’t want you to do. And if you do any of these things, he will send you to a special place, of burning and fire and smoke and torture and anguish for you to live forever, and suffer, and suffer, and burn, and scream, until the end of time. But he loves you. He loves you. He loves you and he needs money. George Carlin
  • We must respect the other fellow’s religion but only in the sense and to the extent that we respect his theory that his wife is beautiful and his children smart. L. Mencken
  • Going to war over religion is basically just killing people in an argument over who has the better imaginary friend. Richard Jeni
  • Humanity without religion is like a serial killer without a chainsaw.
  • I ain’t got no respect for no religion where the head guy claims he can’t make no mistakes. Like he’s waddya call inflammable. Archie Bunker
  • Reason has been a part of organized religion ever since two nudists took dietary advice from a talking snake. Jon Stewart
  • The easy confidence with which I know another man’s religion is folly teaches me to suspect that my own is also. Mark Twain
  • When one guy sees an invisible man he’s a nut case; ten people see him it’s a cult; ten million people see him it’s a respected religion. Richard Jeni
  • Man will never be free until the last king is strangled with the entrails of the last priest. Denis Diderot
  • A celibate clergy is an especially good idea, because it tends to suppress any hereditary propensity toward fanaticism. Carl Sagan
  • More people are driven insane through religious hysteria than by drinking alcohol. C. Fields
  • I would never want to be a member of a group whose symbol was a guy nailed to two pieces of wood. George Carlin
  • When I hear that a man is religious I conclude he is a rascal! David Hume
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Sin

  • The Bible and several other self-help or enlightenment books cite the Seven Deadly Sins. They are: pride, greed, lust, envy, wrath, sloth, and gluttony. That pretty much covers everything that we do, that is sinful… or fun for that matter. Dave Mustaine
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The Bible

  • I read the bible – every goddam day. George Patton
  • The Bible’s full of wine. God ain’t got nothing against a little drink to celebrate His Son’s birthday with.   Archie Bunker
  • The Bible declares that on the sixth day God created man. Right then and there, God should have demanded a damage deposit.  Jim Hightower
  • Scriptures:  The sacred books of our holy religion, as distinguished from the false and profane writings on which all other faiths are based.  Ambrose Bierce
  • I got kicked out of Dymocks once for moving all the bibles into the fiction section
  • I was thinking about how people seem to read the bible a lot more as they get older, and then it dawned on me—they’re cramming for their final exam. George Carlin
  • Read the Bible –  It Will Scare the Hell Out of You.  Sign
  • Sometimes I like to read the Bible in public and yell out… Oh Bullshit!’   Zach Galifianakis
  • The best cure for Christianity is reading the Bible. Mark Twain
  • The Bible tells us to love our neighbors and also to love our enemies; probably because they are generally the same people. K. Chesterton
  • The number one book of the ages was written by a committee and it was called the Bible. Louis B. Mayer
  • The Book of Life begins with a man and a woman in a garden. It ends with Revelations. Oscar Wilde
  • Most people are bothered by those passages of Scripture they do not understand but the passages that bother me are those I do understand. Mark Twain
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Going to church

  • A church is a place in which gentlemen who have never been to heaven brag about it to persons who will never get there. H. L. Mencken
  • All those football coaches who hold dressing-room prayers before a game should be forced to attend church once a week. Duffy’ Daugherty
  • Church is the only society on earth that exists for the benefit of non-members. William Temple
  • Fanatic:  Someone who won’t change his mind and won’t change the subject.  Winston Churchill
  • Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian any more than going to the garage makes you a car. K. Chesterton
  • He was of the faith chiefly in the sense that the church he currently did not attend was Catholic. Kingsley Amis
  • I always have trouble deciding wether to go to church or golf. Last Sunday I had to flip a coin 27 times.
  • I think of the church often; not because religion was closing in on me but because for a long time my ass was sore from that hard unupholstered pew. C. Fields
  • If fishing is a religion fly, fishing is high church. Tom Brokaw
  • If Your Religion Will Not Bring You To Church It Will Not Take U to Heaven Church sign
  • It’s interesting to speculate how it developed that in two of the most anti-feminist institutions the church and the law court the men are wearing the dresses. Florynce Kennedy
  • Most of us spend the first six days of each week sowing wild oats then we go to church on Sunday and pray for a crop failure. Fred Allen
  • Most people have some sort of religion, at least they know which church they’re staying away from. John Erskine
  • The first time I sang in the church choir; two hundred people changed their religion. Fred Allen
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The church collection

  • Our church welcomes all denominations – fives, tens, twenties…
  • Sceptic:  Someone who once lost his wallet in a church while standing between a policeman and a nun.   Parker Bowles
  • Collection: A church function in which many take but a passing interest.
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Church signs

  • Church notice: If you’re tired of sin, come in. Scrawled underneath – if not, ring Angie’s Escort at 615436
  • Come in and pray today. Beat the Christmas rush! Church sign
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Religion and sex

  • I thank God I was raised Catholic so sex will always be dirty. John Waters
  • Life in Lubbock Texas taught me two things: One is that God loves you and you’re going to burn in hell; the other is that sex is the most awful filthy thing on earth and you should save it for someone you love. Butch Hancock
  • To hear many religious people talk, one would think God created the torso, head, legs and arms, but the devil slapped on the genitals. Don Schrader
  • It is impossible to believe that the same God who permitted His own son to die a bachelor regards celibacy as an actual sin. L. Mencken
  • The Bible contains six admonishments to homosexuals and 362 admonishments to heterosexuals.  That doesn’t mean that God doesn’t love heterosexuals.  It’s just that they need more supervision.  Lynn Lavner
  • Sex is the substitute religion of the 20th Century.
  • Take the Kama Sutra. How many people died from the Kama Sutra as opposed to the Bible? Who wins?  Frank Zappa
  • Baptists never make love standing up; they’re afraid someone might see them and think they’re dancing! Lewis Grizzard Jr.
  • Why should we take advice on sex from the pope? If he knows anything about it he shouldn’t!   George Bernard Shaw
  • Religion is probably, after sex, the second oldest resource which human beings have available to them for blowing their minds. Susan Sontag
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Heaven and hell

  • Heaven: The Coney Island of the Christian imagination. Elbert Hubbard
  • Hell is easy to define; it would be spending eternity with Evangelicals. Don Koons
  • I do benefits for all religions – I’d hate to blow the hereafter on a technicality.   Bob Hope
  • A church is a place in which gentlemen who have never been to heaven brag about it to persons who will never get there. L. Mencken
  • Clergyman: A ticket speculator outside the gates of Heaven.
  • Everybody wants to go to heaven but nobody wants to die. Joe Louis
  • Go to heaven for the climate and hell for the company. Mark Twain
  • Good girls go to heaven and bad girls go everywhere. Helen Gurley Brown
  • Heaven goes by favor; for if it went by merit you would stay out and your dog would go in. Mark Twain
  • If there’s no chocolate in Heaven, I’m not going. Jane Seabrook
  • If you die in an elevator, be sure to push the up button. Sam Levenson
  • In heaven all the interesting people are missing. Friedrich Nietzsche
  • It is a statistical fact that the wicked work harder to reach hell than the righteous do to enter heaven. Josh Billings
  • Of the delights of this world man cares most for sexual intercourse yet he has left it out of his heaven. Mark Twain
  • Over the massive front doors of a church these words were inscribed: “The Gates of Heaven.” Below that was a small cardboard sign which read: “Please use other entrance.” Church Bulletin
  • There’s good climate in heaven, but a better company in hell.
  • When I die, I hope to go to heaven… whatever the hell that is. Ayn Rand
  • Without you Heaven would be too dull to bear And Hell would not be Hell if you are there. John Sparrow

 

Religious holidays

  • Easter is the day we celebrate Jesus rising from the grave and coming back to Earth as a rabbit that hides colored eggs. Adam Ferrara
  • Once again we come to the holiday season a deeply religious time that each of us observes in his own way by going to the mall of his choice. Dave Barry

 

Final thoughts

  • A Sunday school is a prison in which children do penance for the evil conscience of their parents. L. Mencken
  • Ever notice how people who believe in creationism look really unevolved? Bill Hicks
  • I respect faith but doubt is what gets you an education. Wilson Mizner
  • I’m looking for loopholes. C. Fields
  • If Jesus was a Jew how come he has a Mexican first name? Billy Connolly
  • It is a curious thing that every creed promises a paradise which will be absolutely uninhabitable for anyone of civilized taste.   Evelyn Waugh
  • It was not the apple on the tree but the pair on the ground that caused the trouble in the garden.
  • It’s hard to be religious when certain people are never incinerated by bolts of lightning. Bill Watterson
  • My uncle is deeply religious. He worships himself.
  • Lord if there is a Lord save my soul if I have a soul. Ernest Renan
  • Say what you will about the Ten Commandments you must always come back to the pleasant fact that there are only ten of them. L. Mencken
  • Starbucks says they are going to start putting religious quotes on cups; the very first one will say ‘Jesus! this cup is expensive!’   Conan O’Brien
  • The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending then having the two as close together as possible. George Burns
  • The Supreme Court has ruled that they cannot have a nativity scene in Washington, D.C. This wasn’t for any religious reasons.  They couldn’t find three wise men and a virgin.  Jay Leno
  • Theology is the effort to explain the unknowable in terms of the not worth knowing. L. Mencken
  • When deciding between two competing theories always go with the one that doesn’t involve a magic spell. Emo Phillips
  • When you ever hear girls say that “I’m not religious but I’m spiritual” I like to reply with “I’m not honest but you’re interesting! Daniel Tosh
  • Why do they put the Gideon Bibles only in the bedrooms where it’s usually too late? Christopher Morley
  • Religion often gets credit for curing rascals when old age is the real medicine. Austin O’Malley
  • A man will do more for his stubbornness than for his religion or his country. Edgar Watson Howe
  • Coffee in styrofoam is against my religion. Betsy Cañas Garmon
  • My wife converted me to religion; I never believed in hell until I married her. Harold Eugene ‘Hal’ Roach Sr.
  • The one thing that unites all human beings regardless of age gender religion or ethnic background is that we all believe we are above-average drivers. Dave Barry
  • Tracy: So what’s your religion Liz Lemon? Liz: I pretty much do whatever Oprah tells me to do. Tina Fey
  • We have a whole religion based on a woman who really stuck to her story. Greg Giraldo