Sex is totally natural

• Sex is a part of nature. I go along with nature. Marilyn Monroe
• I believe that sex is one of the most beautiful, natural, wholesome things that money can buy. Steve Martin
• Chastity is the most unnatural of the sexual perversions.  Remy de Gourmont
• If sex is such a natural phenomenon, how come there are so many books on how to do it. Bette Midler
• The only unnatural sex act is that which you cannot perform. Alfred Kinsey

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The differences between men and women when it comes to sex

• Men love mirrors. They look at themselves doing the deed and they see Rex the Wonder Horse. Women look at themselves and think they need to renew their membership at the gym. Janet Evanovich
• When a man goes on a date he wonders if he is going to get lucky. A woman already knows.  Frederike Ryder
• I think men talk to women so they can sleep with them and women sleep with men so they can talk to them. Jay McInerney
• Women need a reason to have sex. Men just need a place. Billy Crystal
• When men see an attractive woman, they fantasize about sex. When women see an attractive man they fantasize about a relationship. Alexandra Potter

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Love and sex

• Love is not the distant chord of a violin – but the triumphant twang of a bedspring.   Perelman
• Love is an irresistible desire to be irresistibly desired. Robert Frost
• Sex without love is a meaningless experience, but as far as meaningless experiences go its pretty damn good.  Woody Allen
• Love ain’t nothing but sex misspelled. Harlan Ellison
• Sex without love is mating, love without sex is philosophy.
• I need sex for a clear complexion, but I’d rather do it for love. Joan Crawford
• Sex without love is merely healthy exercise. Robert A. Heinlein
• Love is just a system for getting someone to call you Darling after sex. Julian Barnes
• Love is the self-delusion we manufacture to justify the trouble we take to have sex. Dan Greenburg
• The difference between sex and love is that sex relieves tension and love causes it. Woody Allen
• Someone asked me about the difference between love and lust. Hmmm. That will take a little thought. How to tell the difference? Well, for guys, if she looks better AFTER you’ve made love to her than before, that might be love. If you find yourself itching to get out the door afterward, probably just lust, y’know? Steven Barnes  
• Love is a matter of chemistry, but sex is a matter of physics.

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Sex is absolutely wonderful

• Sex between a man and a woman can be wonderful – provided you get between the right man and the right woman. Woody Allen
• Sex without love is an empty experience but as empty experiences go, it’s a pretty good empty experience. Woody Allen
• Sex is the most fun you can have without laughing. Woody Allen
• Sex pretty much cures everything. Chuck Palahniuk
• Sex is one of the nine reasons for reincarnation. The other eight are unimportant. Henry Miller
• I don’t see why human people make such a heavy trip out of sex. It isn’t anything complex, it is simply the best thing in life, even better than food. Robert A. Heinlein
• Sex is like pizza. When it’s good, it’s great.  When it’s bad, it’s still pretty good.
• Some things are better than sex, and some are worse, but there’s nothing exactly like it. W. C. Fields
• Sex is a two-way treat. Franklin P. Jones
• An orgasm a day keeps the doctor away. Mae West

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Sex is the answer

• Love is the answer, but while you are waiting for the answer, sex raises some pretty good questions. Woody Allen
• Sex is not the answer. Sex is the question.  “Yes” is the answer.  Swami X
• I don’t know the question, but sex is definitely the answer. Woody Allen

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Sex is overrated

• The pleasure is momentary, the position ridiculous and the expense damnable. Earl of Chesterfield
• Sex: the thing that takes up the least amount of time and causes the most amount of trouble. John Barrymore
• All this fuss about sleeping together. For physical pleasure I’d sooner go to my dentist any day. Evelyn Waugh
• Sex is the biggest nothing of all time. Andy Warhol
• It’s all overrated, man. Sex is only a great thing if you’re not getting any. Charles Bukowski
• There’s nothing better than good sex. But ?  A peanut butter and jelly sandwich is better than bad sex.  Billy Joel
• Sex is a bad thing because it rumples the clothes. Jacqueline Kennedy

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Keeping sex dirty

• The secret to a good marriage, as far as I am concerned, is a joke I make: Keep the fights clean and the sex dirty. Michael J. Fox
• Is sex dirty? Only if it’s done right. Woody Allen
• I can remember when the air was clean and sex was dirty. George Burns
• A dirty mind is a terrible thing to waste. Jules Carlysle
• How did sex come to be thought of as dirty in the first place? God must have been a Republican. Will Durst
• I thank God I was raised Catholic, so sex will always be dirty. John Waters

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Sex in marriage

• The secret to a good marriage, as far as I am concerned, is a joke I make: Keep the fights clean and the sex dirty. Michael J. Fox
• The other night I said to my wife Ruth, ‘Do you feel that the sex and excitement has gone out of our marriage?’ Ruth said, ‘I’ll discuss it with you during the next commercial.’  Milton Berle
• Personally, I know nothing about sex, because I have always been married. Zsa Zsa Gabor
• A man marries to have a home, but also because he doesn’t want to be bothered with sex and all that sort of thing. William Somerset Maugham
• With me, nothing goes right. My psychiatrist said my wife and I should have sex every night. Now, we’ll never see each other! Rodney Dangerfield
• What do I know about sex? I’m a married man. Tom Clancy
• I know nothing about sex, because I was always married. Zsa Zsa Gabor

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Infidelity

• I say I don’t sleep with married men, but what I mean is that I don’t sleep with happily married men. Britt Ekland
• Someone told me the delightful story of the crusader who put a chastity belt on his wife and gave the key to his best friend for safekeeping, in case of his death. He had ridden only a few miles away when his friend, riding hard, caught up with him, saying ‘You gave me the wrong key! Anaïs Nin
• Marriages are like diets–they can be ruined by having a little dish on the side. Croft M. Pentz
• Eighty percent of married men cheat in America. The rest cheat in Europe. James Holt Mcgavran
• Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery? Murray Banks
• I haven’t trusted polls since I read that 62% of women had affairs during their lunch hour. I’ve never met a woman in my life who would give up lunch for sex. Erma Bombeck
• What’s the three words you never want to hear while making love? ‘Honey, I’m home!” Ken Hammond
• Men cheat for the same reason that dogs lick their balls… because they can. Kim Cattrall
• A man is basically as faithful as his options. Chris Rock

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Masturbation

• The good thing about masturbation is that you don’t have to get dressed up for it. Truman Capote
• Masturbation: The primary sexual activity of mankind.  In the nineteenth century it was a disease; in the twentieth, it’s a cure.  Thomas Szasz
• We have reason to believe that man first walked upright to free his hands for masturbation. Lily Tomlin
• A woman occasionally is quite a serviceable substitute for masturbation. Karl Kraus
• Good sex is like good bridge. If you don’t have a good partner, you’d better have a good hand. Mae West
• I’m such a good lover because I practice a lot on my own. Woody Allen
• Don’t knock masturbation. It’s sex with someone you love. Woody Allen

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Orgasm

• I think that I shall never see a poem as lovely as a hot-gushing, butt-cramping, gut hosing orgasm. Chuck Palahniuk
• An orgasm a day keeps the doctor away. Mae West
• Laughter and orgasm are great bedfellows. John Callahan
• Everybody loves you when they are about to cum. Madonna
• “Have you ever heard of the expression, ladies first” “Yes”  “Well, it’s truer in bed than it is anywhere else.” Sherrilyn Kenyon
• Women fake orgasms and men fake finances. Suze Orman
• If you use the electric vibrator near water, you will come and go at the same time. Louise Sammons
• A chicken and an egg are lying in bed. The chicken is smoking a cigarette with a satisfied smile on its face and the egg is frowning and looking put out.  The egg mutters to no one in particular, “I guess we answered that question.”
• Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake a whole relationship.
• Vanity is having an orgasm and calling out your own name.

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Kissing

• A kiss is an application for a better position.
• A kiss is a vigorous exchange of saliva   Velsor
• Kissing is a pleasant way of proving two heads are better than one.    Mann
• Lipstick : A device to make every kiss tell   L levinson
• What do a kiss and a spider have in common? They both lead to the undoing of the fly.
• I can’t read lips unless they’re touching mine. Jon Troast
• Stolen kisses are always sweetest. Leigh Hunt
• People who throw kisses are hopelessly lazy. Bob Hope
• She tasted sweet, like oranges, liquid sunshine in my mouth as we kissed, our tongues playing together. Selena Kitt
• Then she kissed me and I knew it was puppy love. Her nose was cold.
• Her kisses left something to be desired – the rest of her.
• Were kisses all the joys in bed, one woman would another wed. William Shakespeare

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Having a one-track mind

• A student undergoing a word-association test was asked why a snowstorm put him in mind of sex. He replied frankly:  “Because everything does.”  Honor Tracy
• It has to be admitted that we English have sex on the brain, which is a very unsatisfactory place to have it. Malcom Muggeridge
• Sex is on the minds of most people, especially those who shouldn’t be having it. William Glasser
• In America, sex is an obsession, in other parts of the world it’s a fact. Marlene Dietrich
• Sex is the tabasco sauce which an adolescent national palate sprinkles on every course in the menu. Mary Day Winn
• “Eve: “Keep your mind off sex” Roake: “Why? It’s so happy there.”   D. Robb
• Supposedly, guys think about sex every eight seconds. If that’s true, how can they talk to their grandmothers? Jody Gehrman
• What laughter is to childhood, sex is to adolescence. Martha Beck
• It’s absolutely unfair for women to say that guys only want one thing: sex. We also want food. Jarod Kintz
• Young love is two hearts with only one thing in mind.
• The tragedy is when you’ve got sex in the head instead of down where it belongs. D. H. Lawrence
• Girls are always running through my mind. They don’t dare walk. Andy Gibb
• I ration myself. Only think about girls beginning with T. Today, tomorrow, Thursday, Thighday, Thaturday and Thunday.
• It is assured that men of all ages imagine a woman naked when they first meet. Tiffany Madison

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Be careful, sex can be dangerous

• For the first time in history, sex is more dangerous than the cigarette afterward.  Jay Leno
• Last time I had sex I was so good I got a standing ovation. Well, actually, I just got the clap. Jarod Kintz
• Sex on television can’t hurt you, unless you fall off.

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Sex and laughter – the perfect combination

• Really, sex and laughter do go very well together, and I wondered – and I still do – which is more important. Hermione Gingold
• Laughter and orgasm are great bedfellows. John Callahan
• Sex is the most fun you can have without laughing. Woody Allen
• My girlfriend always laughs during sex-no matter what she’s reading. Emo Philips
• If you can make a girl laugh – you can make her do anything… Marilyn Monroe
• Sex without smiling is as sickly and as base as vodka and tonic without ice. Stephen Fry

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Kinky sex

• My own belief is that there is hardly anyone whose sexual life, if it were broadcast, would not fill the world at large with surprise and horror. Somerset Maugham
• Don’t worry, it only seems kinky the first time.
• I’m all for bringing back the birch, but only between consenting adults. Gore Vidal
• Kinky is using a feather. Perverted is using the whole chicken.
• My girlfriend said to me in bed last night: ‘you’re a pervert.’ I said, ‘That’s a big word for a girl of nine. Emo Philips
• Sticks and stones may break my bones, but whips and chains excite me!  AJ McLean
• I think people should be free to engage in any sexual practices they choose; they should draw the line at goats though. Elton John
• You don’t appreciate a lot of stuff in school until you get older. Little things like being spanked every day by a middle aged woman: Stuff you pay good money for in later life. Emo Philips

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Chastity

• Chastity is the most unnatural of the sexual perversions.  Remy de Gourmont
• Of all sexual aberrations, chastity is the strangest. Anatole France
• Abstinence is a perversion. Bill Maher

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Pornography and art

• Pornography is supposed to arouse sexual desires. If pornography is a crime, when will they arrest makers of perfume?  Richard Fleischer
• The difference between pornography and erotica is lighting. Gloria Leonard
• Its avowed purpose is to excite sexual desire, which, I should have thought, is unnecessary in the case of the young, inconvenient in the case of the middle aged, and unseemly in the old. Malcolm Muggeridge, on pornography
• Playboy exploits sex the way Sports Illustrated exploits sports. Hugh Hefner
• Pornography: That which excites, whether from approval or disapproval. Leonard Rossiter
• What’s the difference between art and pornography? . . . a government grant!  Peter Griffin
• Pornography is literature designed to be read with one hand. Angela Lambert
• Pornography is in the loin of the beholder. Charles Rembar
• Sex is more exciting on the screen and between the pages than between the sheets. Andy Warhol

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Loss of lust

• When you’ve been around as long as me, Lucy, you’ll know that there are three types of sex… One – brand- new, kitchen-table sex. Two – bedroom sex. Then number three – hallway sex, when you pass each other in the hallway and say ‘Fuck you.’  Kathy Lette
• Lust fades, so you’d better be with someone who can stand you. Alan Zweibel and Jessie Nelson

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Advice on sex

• There is nothing wrong with making love with the light on. Just make sure the car door is closed.  George Burns
• Remember, if you smoke after sex you’re doing it too fast.  Woody Allen
• Never sleep with someone whose troubles are worse than your own. Nelson Algren
• It’s the height of bad manners to sleep with somebody less than three times. Mark Boxer
• Sex should be friendly. Otherwise stick to mechanical toys; it’s more sanitary. Robert A. Heinlein

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It’s tough when you’re not getting any sex

• If it weren’t for pickpockets, I’d have no sex life at all. Rodney Dangerfield
• I’m a modern, intelligent, independent-type woman. In other words, a girl who can’t get a man. Shelley Winters
• I’m not against half-naked girls – not as often as I’d like to be… Benny Hill
• My wife is a sex object. Every time I ask for sex, she objects.  Les Dawson
• The other night I said to my wife Ruth, ‘Do you feel that the sex and excitement has gone out of our marriage?’ Ruth said, ‘I’ll discuss it with you during the next commercial.   Milton Berle
• You know that look that women get when they want to have sex? Me neither. Steve Martin
• My love life is terrible. The last time I was inside a woman was when I visited the Statue of Liberty. Woody Allen
• I didn’t practice abstinence, I perfected it. Dennis Wolfberg
• It’s so long since I’ve had sex I’ve forgotten who ties up who. Joan Rivers
• A terrible thing happened to me last night – nothing. Phyllis Diller
• Good sex is like good bridge. If you don’t have a good partner, you’d better have a good hand. Mae West
• I’m such a good lover because I practice a lot on my own. Woody Allen
• Don’t knock masturbation. It’s sex with someone you love. Woody Allen
• How is your love life…still holding your own?

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Sex and talking

• Sex is better than talk…Talk is what you suffer through so you can get to sex. Woody Allen
• Don’t have sex man. It leads to kissing and pretty soon you have to start talking to them. Steve Martin

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Sex and food

• I haven’t trusted polls since I read that 62% of women had affairs during their lunch hour. I’ve never met a woman in my life who would give up lunch for sex. Erma Bombeck  
• Food has replaced sex in my life, now I can’t even get into my own pants.
• Sex is like pizza. When it’s good, it’s great.  When it’s bad, it’s still pretty good.
• There’s nothing better than good sex. But ?  A peanut butter and jelly sandwich is better than bad sex.  Billy Joel
• I don’t see why human people make such a heavy trip out of sex. It isn’t anything complex, it is simply the best thing in life, even better than food. Robert A. Heinlein
• No, no food. I want sex. Bring me some sex. Elliott Gould
• I’m at the age where food has taken the place of sex in my life. In fact, I’ve just had a mirror put over my kitchen table. Rodney Dangerfield
• When you get to fifty-two food becomes more important than sex. Tom Lehrer
• Amazing that the human race has taken enough time out from thinking about food or sex to create the arts and sciences. Mason Cooley
• For flavor, instant sex will never supersede the stuff you have to peel and cook. Quentin Crisp
• It’s been said that men think only about sex and food. And some men, like my uncle Lester, think about sex with food. Needless to say the church has ordered him to cease bringing his own food to the potlucks. Jarod Kintz
• As life’s pleasures go, food is second only to sex. Except for salami and eggs. Now that’s better than sex, but only if the salami is thickly sliced. Alan King
• Love is an ice cream sundae, with all the marvellous coverings. Sex is the cherry on top.  Jimmy Dean

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Sex, love and chocolate

• Don’t wreck a sublime chocolate experience by feeling guilty. Chocolate isn’t like premarital sex. It will not make you pregnant. And it always feels good.  Lora Brody
• Forget love – I’d rather fall in chocolate! Sandra J. Dykes
• All you need is love. But a little chocolate now and then doesn’t hurt. Charles M. Schulz

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Sexual fantasy

• During sex I fantasize that I’m someone else. Richard Lewis
• If your sexual fantasies were truly of interest to others, they would no longer be fantasies. Fran Lebowitz
• In my sex fantasy, nobody ever loves me for my mind. Nora Ephron 

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Definitions

• A nymphomaniac is a woman as obsessed with sex as the average man. Mignon McLaughlin
• What is a promiscuous person? It’s normally someone getting more sex than you are. Victor Lownes
• Chivalry is a man’s inclination to protect a woman from every man but himself.
• Cleavage is something you can approve of and look down on at the same time.   Garnett
• Erotic is using a feather as a sex aid. Kinky is when you use the whole duck.
• Experience is what you have left after you have forgotten her name.  John Barrymore
• Infatuation is when you think he’s as sexy as Robert Redford, as smart as Henry Kissinger, as noble as Ralph Nader, as funny as Woody Allen, and as athletic as Jimmy Conners. Love is when you realize that he’s as sexy as Woody Allen, as smart as Jimmy Connors, as funny as Ralph Nader, as athletic as Henry Kissinger and nothing like Robert Redford – but you’ll take him anyway.   Judith Viorst
• A pessimist is a man who thinks all women are bad. An optimist is one who hopes they are. Chauncey Depew

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Promiscuity and being over-sexed

• A promiscuous person is a person who is getting more sex than you are. Victor Lownes
• A nymphomaniac is someone who has more sex than you do.  Alfred Kinsey
• Nymphomaniac: a woman as obsessed with sex as an average man. Mignon McLaughlin
• Easy is an adjective used to describe a woman who has the sexual morals of a man. Nancy Linn- Desmond
• Everyone probably thinks that I’m a raving nymphomaniac, that I have an insatiable sexual appetite, when the truth is I’d rather read a book. Madonna
• Vanity, revenge, loneliness, boredom, all apply: lust is one of the least of the reasons for promiscuity. Mignon McLaughlin
• If a man is highly sexed he’s virile. If a woman is, she’s a nymphomaniac. With them it’s power but with us it’s a disease! Even the act of sex is called penetration! Why don’t they call it enclosure?  Gemma Hatchback

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Breasts

• The mammary fixation is the most infantile and the most American, of the sex fetishes. Molly Haskell
• Yes, I have breasts. So does 50% of the population. Do we really have to waste time talking about mine? I don’t think so. Keira Knightley
• Breast milk is best for 4 reasons. Fresh, body temp, full of vitamins and it comes in a really cute container.
• Cleavage: Something which excites disapproval in everyone but the audience.
• cleavage: something you can approve of and look down on at the same time.
• How do you make 6 pounds of fat look attractive? Put a nipple on top.
• I have everything now I had twenty years ago – except now it’s lower. Gypsy Rose Lee
• I have little feet because nothing grows in the shade. Dolly Parton
• I reckoned if my boobs got any lower I would have to buy them their own pair of shoes. Jeanette Winterson
• The bigger they are, the harder it is to see your shoes. Dolly Parton Principle
• She has breasts of granite and a mind like a Gruyere cheese. Billy Wilder
• Pizza is like a lady’s breasts: there’s good pizza… and there’s great pizza; but there isn’t bad pizza. Richard Jeni
• My husband said ‘Show me your boobs.’ and I had to pull up my skirt… so it was time to get them done! Dolly Parton
• My breast are so versatile now — I can wear them down, up, or side by side. Cybill Shepherd
• Looking at a cleavage is like looking at the sun; you don’t stare at it; it’s too risky. Jerry Seinfeld

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Penises

• My brain: it’s my second favorite organ. Woody Allen
• The three words a man most hates to hear during sex: “Is it in yet?”
• She likes her men tall, dark and hung some.
• God gave us a penis and a brain, but only enough blood to run one at a time.
• I don’t want to boast but I was approached to pose for Playgirl but I proved to be overqualified for the job.
• See, the problem is that God gives men a brain and a penis, and only enough blood to run one at a time. Robin Williams

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Vaginas

• Why do people say “grow some balls”? Balls are weak and sensitive. If you wanna be tough, grow a vagina. Those things can take a pounding. Betty White

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Buttocks

• My bottom is so big, it’s got its own gravitational field. Carol Vorderman
• All I can say is, if they show my butt in a movie, it better be a wide shot. Jennifer Lopez
• I really don’t think I need buns of steel; I’d be happy with buns of cinnamon. Ellen DeGeneres

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Erections

• The difference between light and hard is that you can sleep with a light on.
• An erection is like the Theory of Relativity – the more you think about it, the harder it gets.
• Anticipation makes the hard-on longer. Itsby Stevintary
• Obscenity is whatever gives the Judge an erection.
• Men wake up aroused in the morning. We can’t help it.  We just wake up and we want you.  And the women are thinking, “How can he want me the way I look in the morning?”  It’s because we can’t see you.  We have no blood anywhere near our optic nerve.    Sean Morey

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Sex and dancing

• Dancing is a perpendicular expression of a horizontal desire. George Bernard Shaw
• If a man doesn’t know how to dance he doesn’t know how to make love, there I said it! Craig Ferguson

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Roving hands

• Give a man a free hand and he will run it all over you. Mae West
• Men are those creatures with two legs and eight hands.  Jayne Mansfield

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Sex, contraception and making babies

• Kids in back seats cause accidents, accidents in back seats cause kids.
• Familiarity breeds contempt – and children. Mark Twain
• Literature is mostly about having sex and not much about having children; life is the other way around. David Lodge
• The best contraceptive is a glass of cold water: not before or after, but instead.
• Contraceptives should be used on every conceivable occasion. Spike Milligan
• It is not economical to go to bed early to save the candles if the result is twins. Chinese Proverb
• Wearing a condom is like eating an icecream cone with a sock on your tongue. Mark Gungor
• You know, the condom is the glass slipper of our generation. You slip it on when you meet a stranger. You dance all night, then you throw it away. The condom, I mean. Not the stranger. Chuck Palahniuk
• The condom broke. I know how stupid that sounds. It’s the reproductive version of the dog ate my homework. Jennifer Weiner
• No glove, no love. Lauren Oliver
• The best contraceptive for old people is nudity. Phyllis Diller

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Sex as you get older

• I’m at the age where food has taken the place of sex in my life. In fact, I’ve just had a mirror put over my kitchen table. Rodney Dangerfield
• Sex at age 90 is like trying to shoot pool with a rope. George Burns
• I can remember when the air was clean and sex was dirty. George Burns
• I’ve been around so long, I knew Doris Day before she was a virgin. Groucho Marx
• Sex is something that evolves over the years from tri-weekly to try weekly to try weakly.

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Sex and money

• Sex is like art. Most of it is pretty bad, and the good stuff is out of your price range.  Scott Roeben
• Sex is one of the most wholesome, beautiful and natural experiences that money can buy. Steve Martin.
• I believe that sex is one of the most beautiful, natural, wholesome things that money can buy. Steve Martin
• The big difference between sex for money and sex for free is that sex for money usually costs less. Brendan Francis
• Money, it turned out, was exactly like sex, you thought of nothing else if you didn’t have it and thought of other things if you did. James Arthur Baldwin
• I remember the first time I had sex — I kept the receipt. Groucho Marx
• There are a number of mechanical devices which increase sexual arousal, particularly in women. Chief among these is the Mercedes- Benz 380SL convertible. J. O’Rourke
• Sex: the pleasure is momentary, the position ridiculous, and the expense damnable. Lord Chesterfield
• Software is like sex: it’s better when it’s free. Linus Torvalds  
• I remember the first time I had sex – I kept the receipt. Groucho Marx
• People will always choose more money over more sex. Doug Coupland
• I spent 90% of my money on women and drink. The rest I wasted. George Best
• Sex is like money; only too much is enough. John Updike
• The sex element is the most important in the business. You must sell sex. Bobby Darin
• In advertising, sex sells. But only if you’re selling sex. Jef I Richards
• Women fake orgasms and men fake finances. Suze Orman
• There’s nothing more expensive than a girl who’s free for the evening.
• All I’m looking for is a man who is kind and understanding. Is that too much to ask of a millionaire?

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In praise of sexy clothes

• Those hot pants of hers were so damned tight, I could hardly breathe. Benny Hill
• The skirts are gettting shorter and the necklines lower. I’d like to be there when they meet
• Do you remember that backless, frontless, bottomless, topless evening gown I bought? I just found out it’s a belt
• That’s not a bikini, its a baiting suit!
• She was wearing a sweater so tight I could hardly breathe.
• She was wearing one of those dresses that holds on tight going round curves.
• She was stark naked except for a PVC raincoat, dress, net stockings, undergarments, shoes, rain hat and gloves. Keith Waterhouse

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Sex is only a big deal if you’re not getting any

• Money, it turned out, was exactly like sex, you thought of nothing else if you didn’t have it and thought of other things if you did. James Arthur Baldwin
• It’s all overrated, man. Sex is only a great thing if you’re not getting any. Charles Bukowski
• Sex is like air; it’s not important unless you aren’t getting any. John Callahan

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Sex education

• Conservatives say teaching sex education in the public schools will promote promiscuity. With our education system?  If we promote promiscuity the same way we promote math or science, they’ve got nothing to worry about.  Beverly Mickins
• My father told me all about the birds and the bees, the liar – I went steady with a woodpecker till I was twenty-one. Bob Hope
• The best sex education for kids is when Daddy pats Mommy on the fanny when he comes home from work. William H. Masters
• Sex education may be a good idea in the schools, but I don’t believe the kids should be given homework. Bill Cosby
• I blame my mother for my poor sex life. All she told me was ‘the man goes on top and the woman underneath.’ For three years my husband and I slept in bunk beds. Joan Rivers
• Don’t bother discussing sex with small children. They rarely have anything to add. Fran Lebowitz
• Sex education is legitimate in that girls cannot be taught soon enough how children don’t come into the world. Karl Kraus
• The fact is that young people are going to have sex whether you like it or not. Emma Thompson
• Son, it is time we talked about the facts of life. Sure, dad, what would you like to know?
• Sex education is legitimate in that girls cannot be taught soon enough how children don’t come into the world. Karl Kraus
• The best sex education for kids is when Daddy pats Mommy on the fanny when he comes home from work. William H. Masters
• There was no sex education in the …70s; we thought the Kama Sutra was Indian takeaway.   Kathy Lette
• Who knows the difference between education and training? For those of you with daughters, would you rather have them take sex education or sex training?  Need I say more?  Dennis Rubin

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Sex and ageing

• The older a man the more grotesque people find his couplings, like the spasms of a dying animal. J. M. Coetzee
• When you get to fifty-two food becomes more important than sex. Tom Lehrer
• I’m at the age where food has taken the place of sex in my life. In fact, I’ve just had a mirror put over my kitchen table. Rodney Dangerfield
• Sex at age 90 is like trying to shoot pool with a rope. George Burns
• I can remember when the air was clean and sex was dirty. George Burns
• I’ve been around so long, I knew Doris Day before she was a virgin. Groucho Marx
• Sex is something that evolves over the years from tri-weekly to try weekly to try weakly.
• The best contraceptive for old people is nudity. Phyllis Diller

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Being a sex symbol

• Sex appeal is fifty percent what you’ve got and fifty percent what people think you’ve got. Sophia Loren
• Being a sex symbol is a heavy load to carry, especially when one is tired, hurt and bewildered. Marilyn Monroe
• That’s the trouble, a sex symbol becomes a thing. But if I’m going to be a symbol of something, I’d rather have it sex than some other things we’ve got symbols of. Marilyn Monroe
• I don’t try to be a sex bomb. I am one. Kylie Minogue
• A sex symbol becomes a thing. I just hate to be a thing. Marilyn Monroe
• Everyone probably thinks that I’m a raving nymphomaniac, that I have an insatiable sexual appetite, when the truth is I’d rather read a book. Madonna
• People equate sexy with promiscuous. They think that because I’m shaped this way, I must be scandalous – like running around and bringing men into my hotel room. But it’s just the opposite. Jennifer Lopez
• Being a sex symbol has to do with an attitude, not looks. Most men think it’s looks, most women know otherwise. Kathleen Turner
• I am not a sexy woman, I’m not beautiful, I’m not a sex kitten, I don’t flirt with people, yet I’ve been tagged more of sex symbol than women who truly are and I that’s solely because I don’t reveal too much: people are curious. Shirley Manson
• Beyond the beauty, the sex, the titillation, the surface, there is a human being. And that has to emerge. Jeanne Moreau
• I don’t know what it means to be a sex symbol. When I look myself on a magazine cover I don’t see it as me, but as someone painted, fluffed, puffed and done up. Jennifer Aniston

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Bad sex

• There’s nothing better than good sex. But bad sex? A peanut butter and jelly sandwich is better than bad sex. Billy Joel
• Sex is like pizza. When it’s good, it’s great.  When it’s bad, it’s still pretty good.
• When sex is good there’s nothing better, when it’s bad it’s not bad.
• Sex is always about emotions. Good sex is about free emotions; bad sex is about blocked emotions. Deepak Chopra
• There’s nothing as overrated as bad sex, and as underrated as a good bowel movement.
• Life is like sex. It’s not always good, but its always worth trying. Pamela Anderson

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Religion, God and sex

• A teenager is God’s punishment for enjoying sex.
• Catholics have more extreme sex lives because they’re taught that pleasure is bad for you. Who thinks it’s normal to kneel down to a naked man who’s nailed to a cross? It’s like a bad leather bar. John Waters
• Christian fundamentalism is the doctrine that there is an absolutely powerful, infinitely knowledgeable, universe spanning entity that is deeply and personally concerned about my sex life. Andrew Lias
• How did sex come to be thought of as dirty in the first place? God must have been a Republican. Will Durst
• I thank God I was raised Catholic, so sex will always be dirty. John Waters
• If there is reincarnation, I’d like to come back as Pamela Andersons fingertips. Woody Allen
• Men reach their sexual peak at eighteen. Women reach theirs at thirty-five.  Do you get the feeling that God is playing a practical joke?  Rita Rudner
• Of all the sexual aberrations, chastity is the strangest. Anatole France
• Of the delights of this world man cares most for sexual intercourse, yet he has left it out of his heaven. Mark Twain
• Religion is probably, after sex, the second oldest resource which human beings have available to them for blowing their minds. Susan Sonrag
• Sex is God’s joke on human beings. Bette Davis
• Sex is not sinful, but sin has perverted it. Walter Lang
• Sex is the mysticism of materialism and the only possible religion in a materialistic society. Malcolm Muggeridge
• Sex is the substitute religion of the 20th Century. Malcolm Muggeridge
• Take the Kama Sutra. How many people died from the Kama Sutra as opposed to the Bible? Who wins? Frank Zappa
• The church should just stay out of people’s pants. Alex Sanchez
• The only thing wrong with being an atheist is that there’s nobody to talk to during an orgasm.
• To hear many religious people talk, one would think God created the torso, head, legs and arms, but the devil slapped on the genitals. Don Schrader
• When authorities warn you of the sinfulness of sex, there is an important lesson to be learned. Do not have sex with the authorities. Matt Groening
• When I get down on my knees, it is not to pray. Madonna
• Why should we take advice on sex from the pope? If he knows anything about it, he shouldn’t!  George Bernard Shaw

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Homosexuality

• There is nothing wrong with going to bed with someone of your own sex. People should be very free with sex, they should draw the line at goats.   Elton John
• Bisexuality doubles your chances of a date on Saturday night. Woody Allen
• If I was gay, I’d be a closet heterosexual.
• My sexual preference is often.
• Mom, Dad, this is hard to say, you see. I like my women like I like my coffee, and, well, I don’t like coffee.
• The Bible contains six admonishments to homosexuals and 362 admonishments to heterosexuals. That doesn’t mean that God doesn’t love heterosexuals.  It’s just that they need more supervision.  Lynn Lavner
• It doesn’t matter what you do in the bedroom as long as you don’t do it in the street and frighten the horses. Daphne Fielding
• Let’s get one thing straight, I’m not.
• Labels? Okay, fine.  I’m bisensual.    And life-curious.  That about covers it.  Morgan Torva
• If God had wanted me otherwise, He would have created me otherwise. Johann Wolfgang von Goethe
• What’s another name for a lesbian hippo – lickalotapoes

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Sex and anatomy

• Whoever called it necking was a poor judge of anatomy. Groucho Marx
• Anatomy is something everyone has, it just looks better on a girl.
• It’s not true that men seldom make passes at girls who wear glasses; it’s the frame that counts. Bill Wilson
• There is nothing that keeps a woman on the straight and narrow so much as being made that way. E. Shaw
• Women take longer to dress cause they’ve got to slow down on the curves.
• Women’s styles might change, but the designs stay the same.

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Craving it

• I admit, I have a tremendous sex drive. My boyfriend lives forty miles away. Phyllis Diller
• There is no remedy for sex but more sex.
• It’s impossible to ravish me I’m so willing. John Fletcher
• She was a lovely girl. Our courtship was fast and furious – I was fast and she was furious. Kauffmann Max
• My friends would copulate with anything that moved but I never saw reason to limit myself. Emo Philips
• They made love as if they were an endangered species. Peter De Vries
• I’m not cheap, but I am on special this week.
• My sexual preference is often.
• I would rather cuddle then have sex. If you’re good with grammar, you’ll get it.
• She’s my type – a woman.

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Oral sex

• Clinton lied. A man might forget where he parks or where he lives, but he never forgets oral sex, no matter how bad it is. Barbara Bush

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Bad girls

• The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live. George Carlin
• A pessimist is a man who thinks all women are bad. An optimist is one who hopes they are. Chauncey Depew
• When I’m good, I’m very good, but when I’m bad, I’m even better. Mae West
• She’s the kind of girl who climbed the ladder of success wrong by wrong. Mae West
• If men knew all that women think, they’d be twenty times more daring. Fran Lebowitz
• Be naughty–save Santa a trip.
• Good girls go to heaven and bad girls go everywhere. Helen Gurley Brown
• A man is as good as he has to be, and a woman is as bad as she dares. Elbert Hubbard
• Girls are like pianos. When they’re not upright, they’re grand. Benny Hill

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Four letter words

• The hypothalamus is one of the most important parts of the brain, involved in many kinds of motivation, among other functions. The hypothalamus controls the “Four F’s”: fighting, fleeing, feeding, and mating.  Marvin Dunnette
• Sex is a three-letter word which needs some old-fashioned four-letter words to convey its full meaning.
• Tell him I’ve been too fucking busy – or vice versa. Dorothy Parker
• Anyone who calls it “sexual intercourse” can’t possibly be interested in actually doing it. You might as well announce you’re ready for lunch by proclaiming, “I’d like to do some masticating and enzyme secreting. Allan Sherman

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More light-hearted quotes on sex

• I believe a little incompatibility is the spice of life, particularly if he has income and she is pattable. Ogden Nash
• The trouble is not that players have sex the night before a game. It’s that they stay out all night looking for it. Casey Stengel
• Children always assume the sexual lives of their parents come to a grinding halt at their conception. Alan Bennett
• It’s funny how you never think about the women you’ve had. It’s always the ones who get away that you can’t forget. Chuck Palahniuk
• I was like, Am I gay? Am I straight? And I realized…I’m just slutty. Where’s my parade?  Margaret Cho
• My own belief is that there is hardly anyone whose sexual life, if it were broadcast, would not fill the world at large with surprise and horror. Somerset Maugham
• For married men, I think after a while they realize the morning’s your best shot. You have a higher percentage in the morning. Well, there’s a couple reasons. One–she can’t say she’s tired really. You know, but seriously. She’s had eight hours sleep…. And also, in her mind, she’s thinking I’m gonna shower anyway. But the best thing you have going for you is she can’t really see you yet. She could squint you into Bruno Mars if she had to. Ray Romano
• I admit I have a tremendous sex drive. My boyfriend lives forty miles away. Phyllis Diller
• If sex is dignified it’s not being done right. J. D. Robb
• In a way, comedy is like sex. The more noise you hear, the better you think you’re doing. Ray Romano
• Sex is God’s joke on human beings. Bette Davis
• Last time I was inside a woman was when I visited the Statue of Liberty. Woody Allen
• Musical beds is the faculty sport around here. Edward Albee, Who’s Afraid of Virginia Woolf?
• Nothing was happening in my marriage. I nicknamed our water bed Lake Placid. Phyllis Diller
• Publishing a sophisticated men’s magazine seemed to me the best possible way of fulfilling a dream I’d been nurturing ever since I was a teenager: to get laid a lot. Hugh Hefner
• Sex and a cocktail: they both lasted about as long, had the same effect, and amounted to about the same thing. D. H. Lawrence, Lady Chatterley’s Lover
• I am always looking for meaningful one night stands. Dudley Moore
• Fuck! Is one expected to be a gentleman when one is stiff? Marquis de Sade
• Sex is kicking death in the ass while singing. Charles Bukowski
• Sex is better than talk. Ask anybody in this bar. Talk is what you suffer through so you can get to sex. Woody Allen
• Sex is interesting but not totally important. I mean, it’s not even as important (physically) as excretion. a man can go 70 years without a piece of ass but he can die in a week wi thout a bowel movement. Charles Bukowski
• Sex is one of the nine reasons for reincarnation … The other eight are unimportant. Henry Miller
• Sex is only a three-letter word so how can it be dirty? Erma Bombeck
• I only go birdwatching during mating season. I’m a pornithologist. Bauvard
• You know that look that women have when they want to have sex? Me, either. Steve Martin
• Vacation sex. So much better than home sex. Yeah. Because … there’s no pressure on the guy. Even if he doesn’t perform that well, she’s still on vacation. Ray Romano
• The worst sex I’ve ever had has always been great. Vince Mcmahon
• Young people are moving away from feeling guilty about sleeping with somebody to feeling guilty if they are not sleeping with someone. Margaret Mead
• The main thing to remember is that making love is at once the silliest and the most sacred act humans can perform. Patricia Briggs
• I’m interested in women as a whole, not simply as three holes. Jarod Kintz
• Older women are best because they always think they may be doing it for the last time. Ian Fleming
• I’m a heroine addict. I need to have sex with women who have saved someone’s life. Mitch Hedberg
• After two days in hospital, I took a turn for the nurse. W.C.Fields
• I once knew a woman who offered her honor. So I honored her offer and all night long I was on her and off her.
• It’s better to be looked over than to be overlooked. Mae West
• The three words a man most hates to hear during sex: “Is it in yet?” Three words a woman hates to hear: “I don’t know.”
• An intellectual is a person who has discovered something more interesting than sex. Aldous Huxley
• When the authorities warn you of the dangers of having sex, there is an important lesson to be learned. Do not have sex with the authorities. Matt Groening
• I really enjoyed reading The Joy of Sex. I couldn’t put the wife down until I’d finished it.
• To succeed with the opposite sex, tell her you’re impotent. She can’t wait to disprove it. Cary Grant
• I wouldn’t recommend sex, drugs or insanity for everyone, but they’ve always worked for me. Hunter S. Thompson
• I know a man who gave up smoking, drinking, sex, and rich food. He was healthy right up to the day he killed himself. Johnny Carson
• How lucky we are that we can reach our genitals instead of that spot on our back that itches. Flash Rosenberg
• This morning my girlfriend was so loud in bed that we woke up the neighbors. So I told them to roll over and go back to sleep. Jarod Kintz
• The difference between sex and death is that with death you can do it alone and no one is going to make fun of you. Woody Allen
• Strong women leave big hickies. Madonna
• There’s no sex in Middle Earth. Ian McKellen
• No matter how love-sick a woman is, she shouldn’t take the first pill that comes along. Joyce Brothers
• If you want romance, fuck a journalist. W.H. Auden
• You always know when he’s ready for sex, ’cause naked, he looked like one of them butterball turkeys with the little pop-up timer. Lisa Lampanelli
• A dirty book is rarely dusty.
• It isn’t premarital sex if you have no intention of getting married. Matt Barry
• I like threesomes with two women, not because I’m a cynical sexual predator. Oh no! But because I’m a romantic. I’m looking for “The One.” And I’ll find her more quickly if I audition two at a time. Russell Brand
• According to a new survey, women say they feel more comfortable undressing in front of men than they do undressing in front of other women. They say that women are too judgmental, where, of course, men are just grateful.
• Madam, you have between your legs an instrument capable of giving pleasure to thousands – and all you can do is scratch it. Sir Thomas Beecham
• Sex is like snow, you never know how many inches you’re going to get or how long it will last.
• Now that food has replaced sex in my life, I can’t even get into my own pants.
• If you don’t attach beliefs to it, sex is just like breathing  or walking. It’s beauty; it’s you. But when you  go into it seeking things like satisfaction, ecstasy,  intimacy, connectedness, and romance, don’t count  on finding them.  Byron Katie
• I married a German; every night I dress up as Poland and he invades me. Bette Midler
• They’re not easy. But there has to be some penalty for sex. Bill Maher

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