News

• ‘A dog bites a man’—that’s a story; ‘A man bites a dog’—that’s a good story. Jesse Lynch Williams
• A newspaper consists of just the same number of words, whether there be any news in it or not. Henry Fielding
• Evening news is where they begin with ‘Good evening’, and then proceed to tell you why it isn’t.
• Gossip is just news running ahead of itself in a red satin dress. Liz Smith
• Historian: An editor of yesterday’s news.
• I would like to be able to watch the evening news with my family and not have to explain what oral sex means to my wife. David Feldman
• In health news, scientists have announced the invention of a women’s condom; it works by fitting snugly over a woman’s wine glass. Kevin Nealon
• In small towns, news travels at the speed of boredom. Carlos Ruiz Zafón
• It’s amazing that the amount of news that happens in the world every day always just exactly fits the newspaper. Jerry Seinfeld
• News : The first rough draft of history.
• Nothing in fine print is ever good news. Andy Rooney
• Nothing travels faster than the speed of light with the possible exception of bad news which obeys its own special laws. Douglas Adams
• The news of any politician’s death should be listed under Public Improvements. Frank Dane
• The one function that TV news performs very well is that when there is no news we give it you with the same emphasis as if there were. David Brinkley

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The press

• Wooing the press is an exercise roughly akin to picnicking with a tiger; you might enjoy the meal, but the tiger always eats last. Maureen Dowd
• Freedom of the press is guaranteed only to those who own one. J. Liebling
• If I rescued a child from drowning the press would no doubt headline the story: “…Benn Grabs Child.”   Tony Benn
• A. is very dangerous; I carry a gun in my car that way in case the police stop me I can fend them off until the press gets there. Jeff Joseph
• The freedom of the press works in such a way that there is not much freedom from it. Grace Kelly
• Politicians who complain about the media are like ships’ captains who complain about the sea. Enoch Powell
• It’s high time the press finally got one thing right about me. Chris Evert (On a publication proclaiming she “has the best boobs in the business.”)

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Editors

• An editor is someone who separates the wheat from the chaff and then prints the chaff. Adlai E. Stevenson
• An editor should have a pimp for a brother so he’d have someone to look up to. Gene Fowler
• Democracy : A government of bullies tempered by editors
• Editor: a person employed by a newspaper, whose business it is to separate the wheat from the chaff, and to see that the chaff is printed. Elbert Hubbard
• Editor: The fellow who makes a long story short.
• Historian: An editor of yesterday’s news.
• I am not the editor of a newspaper and shall always try to do right and be good so that God will not make me one. Mark Twain
• If you substitute “damn” every time you’re inclined to write very your editor will delete it and the writing will be just as it should be. Mark Twain
• Only kings presidents editors and people with tapeworms have the right to use the editorial “we.”    Mark Twain
• Small Town: Where everybody knows what everybody else is doing and all buy the weekly newspaper to see how much the editor dares to print. Anonymous
• Some editors are failed writers but so are most writers. S. Eliot

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Journalism

• America is a country of inventors and the greatest of inventors are the newspaper men. Alexander Graham Bell
• Ascribe: Newspaper reporter.
• Diplomats tell lies to journalists and they believe what they read. Karl Kraus
• Every journalist has a novel in him which is an excellent place for it. Russell Lynes
• It was while making newspaper deliveries, trying to miss the bushes and hit the porch, that I first learned the importance of accuracy in journalism. Charles Osgood
• Journalism — a profession whose business it is to explain to others what it personally does not understand. Lord Northcliffe
• Journalism: Literature in a hurry.
• Journalism: Buying white paper at two cents a pound and selling it at ten cents a pound.
• Journalists do not live by words alone, although sometimes they have to eat them. Adlai E. Stevenson
• Journalists say a thing that they know isn’t true in the hope that if they keep on saying it long enough it will be true. Enoch Arnold Bennett
• People will accept the fact that a person can be an alcoholic, a dope, fiend, a wife beater and even a newspaperman but if a man doesn’t drive there’s something wrong with him. Art Buchwald
• Sociology: Journalism without news.
• The fact that a man is a newspaper reporter is evidence of some flaw of character. Lyndon Johnson
• The only contact I ever made with the dead was when I spoke to a journalist from The Sun. Morrissey
• We journalists make it a point to know very little about an extremely wide variety of topics; this is how we stay objective. Dave Barry

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Newspapers

• A day without newspapers is like walking around without your pants on. Jerry Coleman
• A newspaper consists of just the same number of words whether there be any news in it or not. Henry Fielding
• A newspaper is a circulating library with high blood pressure. Arthur ‘Bugs’ Baer
• A newspaper is a device for making the ignorant more ignorant and the crazy crazier. L. Mencken
• Accuracy to a newspaper is what virtue is to a lady except that a newspaper can always print a retraction. Adlai E. Stevenson
• Accuracy to a newspaper is what virtue is to a lady, except that a newspaper can always print a retraction. Adlai E. Stevenson
• America is a country of inventors, and the greatest of inventors are the newspaper men. Alexander Graham Bell
• Before marriage a man declares that he would lay down his life to serve you; after marriage he won’t even lay down his newspaper to talk to you. Helen Rowland
• Everything you read in newspapers is absolutely true except for that rare story of which you happen to have first-hand knowledge. Erwin Knoll
• Everything you read in the newspapers is absolutely true, except for that rare story of which you happen to have first- hand knowledge.
• Half of the American people have never read a newspaper; and half never voted for president… one hopes it is the same half. Gore Vidal
• If it’s called the USA Today, why is all the news from yesterday? BAM. Busted! Stephen Colbert
• If you want your name spelled wrong die. Blanchard’s Newspaper Obituary Law
• It’s always darkest before dawn. So if you’re going to steal the neighbor’s newspaper, that’s the time to do it.
• It’s amazing that the amount of news that happens in the world every day always just exactly fits the newspaper. Jerry Seinfeld
• My school was so tough the school newspaper had an obituary section. Norm Crosby
• Newspaper: A publication that condemns gambling and promotes lottery numbers.
• Newspapers: Dead trees with information smeared on them. Horizon
• No self-respecting fish would want to be wrapped in a Rupert Murdoch newspaper. Mike Royko
• Press agent: How do I get our leading lady’s name in your newspaper? George S. Kaufman: Shoot her.
• Small Town: Where everybody knows what everybody else is doing, and all buy the weekly newspaper to see how much the editor dares to print.
• Some newspapers have complained about the graphic scenes of sex and killing but frankly it was the violence done to the facts that really made me squirm What is so irritating about Rome is its unerring instinct for missing the point.   Robert Harris
• Tabloid: A screamlined newspaper.
• The difference between burlesque and the newspapers is that the former never pretended to be performing a public service by exposure. F. Stone
• The fury engendered by the misspelling of a name in a (newspaper) column is in direct ratio to the obscurity of the mentionee. Deitz’s Law of Ego
• They kill good trees to put out bad newspapers. James G. Watt
• Where ignorance is bliss, it’s foolish to borrow your neighbor’s newspaper. Frank ‘Kin’ Hubbard
• With the newspaper strike on, I wouldn’t consider dying. Bette Davis

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Magazines

• The more boring and out-of-date the magazines in the waiting room the longer you will have to wait for your scheduled appointment. Second Principle for Patients
• The road to enlightenment is long and difficult, and you should try not to forget snacks and magazines. Anne Lamott
• There’s very little advice in men’s magazines because men think I know what I’m doing; just show me somebody naked. Jerry Seinfeld

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Television

• All television is children’s television. Richard P. Adler
• Carman’s First Law of Television: The third-rated network always has the best shows because in its desperation it begins to take chances. John Carman
• Color television! Bah I won’t believe it until I see it in black and white. Samuel Goldwyn
• Hey Alex – You know the really great thing about television? If something important happens anywhere in the world night or day,  you can always change the channel.   Christopher Lloyd
• I can think of nothing more boring for the American people than to have to sit in their living rooms for a whole half hour looking at my face on their television screens. Dwight D. ‘Ike’ Eisenhower
• I don’t know what was wrong with my television last night but I was getting C-Span and the Home Shopping Network on the same station and I actually bought a congressman. Bruce Baum
• I don’t like sex on television. I keep falling off. Saul Feldman
• I don’t like to watch golf on television because I can’t stand people who whisper. David Brenner
• I don’t watch television I think it destroys the art of talking about oneself. Stephen Fry
• I find television very educational. Every time someone switches it on I go into another room and read a good book. Groucho Marx
• I hate television. In fact, some nights I stay up until 2 am, just glaring at it.
• I have high-definition television because I felt the lack of resolution was affecting my ability to solve cases on C.S.I. Daniel Tosh
• Imitation is the sincerest form of television. Fred Allen
• It is difficult to produce a television documentary that is both incisive and probing when every twelve minutes one is interrupted by twelve dancing rabbits singing about toilet paper. Rod Serling
• Life doesn’t imitate art, it imitates bad television. Woody Allen
• My father hated radio and could not wait for television to be invented so he could hate that too. Peter De Vries
• Radio is the theater of the mind; television is the theater of the mindless. Steve Allen
• Saturday morning was their unrestricted television time, and they usually took advantage of it to watch a series of cartoon shows that would certainly have been impossible before the discovery of LSD. Jeff Lindsay, Dexter in the Dark
• Seeing a murder on television… can help work off one’s antagonisms. And if you haven’t any antagonisms, the commercials will give you some.  Alfred Hitchcock
• Sex on television can’t hurt you, unless you fall off.
• Television enables you to be entertained in your home by people you wouldn’t have in your home. David Frost
• Television has brought back murder into the home – where it belongs.   Alfred Hitchcock
• Television has done much for psychiatry by spreading information about it, as well as contributing to the need for it. Alfred Hitchcock
• Television has raised writing to a new low. Samuel Goldwyn
• Television is a device that permits people who haven’t anything to do to watch people who can’t do anything. Fred Allen
• Television is a gold goose that lays scramble eggs; and it is futile and probably fatal to beat it for not laying caviar. Lee Loevinger
• Television is a medium because anything well done is rare. Fred Allen
• Television is an invention that permits you to be entertained in your living room by people you wouldn’t have in your home. David Frost
• Television is for appearing on – not for looking at.   Noel Coward
• Television is like the American toaster you push the button and the same thing pops up every time. Alfred Hitchcock
• Television is the triumph of machine over people. Fred Allen
• Television is to news what bumper stickers are to philosophy. Richard M. Nixon
• Television: A medium – so called because it is neither rare nor well done.  Ernie Kovacs
• Television: A means of getting a babysitter so Mom and Dad can get out to the movies.
• Television: A watching machine.
• Thank God we’re living in a country where the sky’s the limit the stores are open late and you can shop in bed thanks to television. Joan Rivers
• The best that can be said for Norwegian television is that it gives you the sensation of a coma without the worry and inconvenience Bill Bryson
• The great thing about television is that if something important happens anywhere in the world, day or night, you can always change the channel.
• The one function that TV news performs very well is that when there is no news we give it you with the same emphasis as if there were. David Brinkley
• Today, watching television often means fighting, violence and foul language – and that’s just deciding who gets to hold the remote control. Donna Gephart
• Violence and smut are of course everywhere on the airwaves. You cannot turn on your television without seeing them, although sometimes you have to hunt around. Dave Barry
• We owe a lot to Thomas Edison – if it wasn’t for him, we’d be watching television by candlelight. Milton Berle
• Why should people go out and pay to see bad movies when they can stay home and see bad television for nothing. Samuel Goldwyn
• You cannot turn on your television without seeing them although sometimes you have to hunt around. Dave Barry
• Your cable television is experiencing difficulties. Please do not panic.  Resist the temptation to read or talk to loved ones.  Do not attempt sexual relations, as years of TV radiation have left your genitals withered and useless.  Matt Groening, The Simpsons

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Social media

• When I was kid, my social network was called “outside”.
• On optimism: Instagram: My life is a party.  Snapchat: My life is a quirky tv show.  Facebook: My life turned out great!  Twitter: We’re all going to die.
• I would love to start an interview series with random people from Instagram called “How Do You Afford Your Life?” Sam Lansky

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Social media funny pics